This Question Will Help Resolve Your Arguments

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:02]WELCOME BACK. I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS show today. We've talked about why couples fight, the patterns that keep showing up. Now, we've got practical advice. Our experts are here to help navigate and heal conflict when it comes up in your actual real life relationship. We're back with therapist and relationship coaches Kim Polander and Shawn McBride, Kendall, Dom, Kayla, Margie. We got the whole TAM fam relationship squad here. Uh Sean, let's start off. Okay. If couple ums are watching right now and the same fight keeps coming up every week, what is the one question they should ask each other?

[00:00:36]>> There is one million dollar question.

[00:00:39]Tam, fam, studio audience, everybody, there's $1 million question. If you ask this question to your partner, it can resolve the argument immediately. You want to know what the question is?

[00:00:53]>> It's only one question. Here's the question. What do you want me to hear >> that I'm not hearing?

[00:01:01]>> Or what do you want me to understand in this moment >> that I'm not understanding?

[00:01:08]>> So now we're going to get clarity. Now we're going to understand why you're angry, why you are afraid, why you are sad. The milliondoll question. What do you want me to get in this moment? What do I need to comprehend in this moment so that I can validate you?

[00:01:27]>> Oh, >> you cannot validate a person unless you understand where they are.

[00:01:32]>> Okay, >> so conflicts continue to go >> when there's no understanding.

[00:01:38]>> Okay, so you got that question. Write it down. Put it in the kitchen next to your eat, pray, love sign it'll be in your mind when you need it. Kim, I wanted to go back to resentment because we talked about a little bit with Kayla earlier.

[00:01:52]You say resentment is not always bad.

[00:01:55]What is resentment trying to tell us?

[00:01:58]>> Resentment is actually a good emotion because it's showing you how much you care about the other person and the relationship. Resentment is the emotion, the space that you hold, waiting for that person to get back up on that pedestal that you put them on and to repair and make things right with you.

[00:02:11]>> In the book, you say resentment shows that you still want repair and you're holding space for the other person to make things right.

[00:02:20]>> Yes. Um, I think that's fascinating because sometimes people see resentment as, as you said, the volcano that's ready to explode versus I I want to get this right. I want And that's exactly what you and Derek I mean, you didn't offramp. You were trying to figure out a way to turn that resentment from this volcano to healing.

[00:02:39]>> Yes. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. So, when you're sitting there seething, wanting them to make things right and make amends, it shows a shows you a lot about how you feel about them. Oh, I love that. Coming up. Okay, one exercise that could change the way you and your partner talk tonight.

[00:02:56]Is it stretching? What exercise is this?

[00:02:59]We're going to get into it after the break. And our couples are sticking around. Don't go anywhere.