How Feeling Unwanted as a Child Follows You Into Adulthood

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]unwanted child. How it follows people into adulthood. And the hardest part is most adults don't even realize that they're still trying to earn the love that they never received as kids. Some of you grew up feeling tolerated instead of truly loved. And nobody talks about what that does to your nervous system.

[00:00:23]As an adult, you become the person that overexlains, overgives, overthinks, overperforms, and still somehow emotionally feels homeless around people.

[00:00:38]A lot of us in here are adopes, scapegoats, emotionally neglected children that grow up feeling invisible.

[00:00:48]Like no matter how clearly you'd speak, no matter nobody really hears you, no matter how much pain you were in, nobody heard you. Your feelings somehow became inconvenient to everybody.

[00:01:03]So this is where you learn to minimize yourself, to shrink yourself, to silence yourself, and overexlain yourself to finally maybe be heard.

[00:01:16]So after years of that, you don't just become hurt, you become disconnected from yourself.

[00:01:25]People think being the unwanted child is something that you grow out of. I wish it was that easy. But a lot of adults are walking around functioning while still carrying that identity inside of them.

[00:01:38]Welcome everybody. For those of you that are new here, my name is Glennice, creator of Shredding Silence.

[00:01:45]Um, happy Mother's Day to those of you in here that are mothers. Um, I'm also excited about after this discussion today. I have a link that I've posted in the community. It's on the community tab. So, you'll be able to come on here and go live. I finally figured it out.

[00:02:04]You'll be able to come in here and audibly talk. You don't have to have your face on the screen if you don't want to, but that is an option. So, I'm excited to open this chat up for to actually hear you guys. Hi you guys.

[00:02:16]Welcome in. Hi Deanna. Hi Katie. It's good to see you. Um so I said happy Mother's Day whoever missed it. Happy Mother's Day to you guys. And I'm opening up the live later to there's a link inside the community um tab on my YouTube. If you go in and grab that um then you'll have an opportunity to come on here and talk so I can audibly hear you. If you want to be on the screen, you can do that. So, tonight's going to have we're going to have a deeper conversation, not just about narcissistic abuse, but what leads up to it, feeling like the unwanted child, adopes, scapegoats, um just the neglected child, how that follows you into your adulthood. Some of us not even knowing that that is the case. Um but when you come out of narcissistic abuse, your eyes are wide open to that. And so it this is really about what happens to you when you grow up emotionally unseen, emotionally unsafe, uh, dismissed, unwanted, and how those wounds quietly follow you into adulthood. And some of this, like I'm saying, this conversation's going to start hard. It might hit hard tonight, but if it does, you're probably in the right place. I'm not speaking as a therapist. I speak from lived experience, healing, observation, studying patterns, surviving trauma, raising children, and trying to unlearn survival mode in real time.

[00:03:42]So, the invisible child, feeling like a burden, feeling emotionally like they're too much, being ignored unless you're useful, always walking on eggshells, you know, feeling unseen in your own family, the scapegoat, adoption wounds, emotional neglect, parentification. How many of you guys dealt with this? If you had a sibling and you were the one delegated to babysit all the time, like raising your siblings, always cooking dinner, always cleaning the house, aside from no normal chores that children have, um that's what I mean by parentification.

[00:04:22]Um just feeling emotionally relate re Oh, with with parentification too, like sometimes you feel like you have to manage the emotions of the household.

[00:04:32]you know, if if a parent is is lonely or trying to be your friend rather than your parent. I I was guilty of that. Um feeling emotionally erased, being talked over, being dismissed, being labeled too sensitive, hyperindependent, you know, you're afraid to ask people for help. That was me. Now, how many in here can relate to that? Um becoming hyper aware of other people's moods for survival, you know, shrinking yourself down. Um, so you don't piss somebody off or make them uncomfortable.

[00:05:06]A lot of a lot of scapegoats become adults who feel invisible in rooms full of people.

[00:05:13]And some adoptes spend years wondering, why do I always feel emotionally misplaced? Where do I belong? And the scary part is children normalize what they survive. Like for for so long I thought there's just something wrong with me, you know? There's something wrong with me. I just don't belong. I'm I don't know. You can you guys to relate to that? Always had to regulate my mom's emotions for my survival. Yeah. How many of you can relate to what Katie said in here? Um so we learned to stay quiet, useful, funny, helpful, hyperindependent just to feel emotionally safe.

[00:05:52]And that makes sense, Katie. A lot of children adapt instead of feeling safe.

[00:05:57]um safe enough just to exist just for breathing. So, children don't become hyperindependent for no reason. You know, some of you survived by becoming emotionally lowmaintenance.

[00:06:09]How many of you felt like the truth teller in your family and you got punished for it? How many scapegoats in here?

[00:06:17]Because scapegoats are often the ones reacting to dysfunction that everybody else normalized. That's why you're called the problem child, right? I'm a problem child. I was a problem child.

[00:06:29]Anybody else? Because you see what others refuse to see and somehow you're the issue. See how that goes handinhand with narcissism? Anytime you brought up an issue with a narcissist, you're all of a sudden the problem. When you are speaking the freaking truth, you are the problem now because you didn't close your eyes and pretend everything's okay.

[00:06:52]So yeah, we got punished for it. The truth tellers, the scapegoats. Um, sometimes the person blamed the most is actually the one that sees things the clearest.

[00:07:02]Always the funny one, never myself, always the problem child. Yep, absolutely. That makes sense. Um, being punished for honesty creates deep confusion later in adulthood. Like you somehow feel like you're the problem because you are speaking the truth.

[00:07:19]It's it it's insane the way it works and it follows us into our adulthood into adulthood. So, how many of you in here felt like you grew up with emotions that didn't matter?

[00:07:33]Me, I know I'm not the only one. There's so many of us out there. Cuz that kind of emotional dismissal changes how a person relates to themselves. A lot of people in here were taught to invalidate themselves before anybody else could.

[00:07:49]So, some of you learned your feelings were inconvenient instead of important.

[00:07:54]You know, dimming yourself down, being quiet, learning learning just to shut your mouth, like accept that this is just how it is. And then as adults, you start apologizing for having needs.

[00:08:08]So I talked about how it follows you into adulthood.

[00:08:12]Overexplaining, fear of rejection, attachment wounds, difficulty trusting, peopleleasing, hyper vigilance, um the toxic attachment styles, you know, an anxious avoidant attachment rather than secure attachment. Um feeling like somebody's always going to leave, those abandonment issues. Um, feeling guilty for having needs, for asking for help, accepting breadcrumbs, staying too long in toxic relationships, feeling emotionally lonely around people, um, difficulty resting, constantly proving your worth. Um, so people think again like the unwanted child is just somehow magically supposed to disappear once you turn into an adult. And unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The child just learns how to wear adult clothes.

[00:09:08]So, a lot of survivors become adults who keep trying to earn the love they should have received freely as a child.

[00:09:17]Um, Katie says, "I remember always having to be present but made to be quiet. Having to be cute to be worthy."

[00:09:26]Yeah, you all remember that saying, children should be seen and not heard. I remember either my grandparents or uncles or somebody. That's what they especially for us Gen Xers, excuse me, Gen Xers were told um to be seen and not not to be heard.

[00:09:47]And that followed us, of course, it followed us into our adulthood. But it doesn't mean like you're broken when you have those when you struggle to believe that people actually care about you. Like I said earlier, I always felt like something was wrong with me. I thought I'm just a bad egg or something, you know? And now going through the narcissistic abuse and looking back and getting into generational trauma and all that, I see that it wasn't. It wasn't like I was normal. We weren't broken.

[00:10:20]Hi, honey Pepper. Welcome in. I'm glad you made it. I'm in the small square again because I figured out how to add people on here. So, if you go into my um my YouTube page and go on the community tab and I pinned the comment, you can grab the link to later come on here if you want to talk. You don't have to show your face if you don't want to. Um, but I can hear you and we can hear each other. Well, whoever comes on there. So, if you want that, go grab that.

[00:10:54]So, it doesn't mean you're broken. When love felt inconsistent growing up, trust becomes difficult. Your nervous system remembers unpredictability.

[00:11:04]Some people will never love conditionally for so long that genuine care feels unfamiliar.

[00:11:11]I know my friend and I say, "I never I don't think I've ever been touched by a hand that loves me." When you look back at all your relationships, you know, if you grew up with toxic parents, always very interesting topics. I'm glad you're in here and thank you.

[00:11:28]And happy Mother's Day today, by the way, if you missed it, if you're a mother, Penny Pepper, or anybody else who came in here. Um, so how many of you still apologize or feel like just for existing like you're somehow in trouble or you're always waiting for the shoe to drop, you know, like if there's a situation you automatically feel like I don't know if you were blamed as a child. I would be blamed as a child even though I had nothing to do with it. I I didn't I didn't even have to be in the room and it was somehow my fault. And that still follows me today. Can you guys relate to that?

[00:12:08]Just apologizing for existing, for breathing.

[00:12:14]And the reason why you were made to feel like a burden, so you over apologize. I remember saying sorry for everything even though it wasn't my fault. Just like with the narcissist and in relationship with the narcissist, things that aren't your fault, you say sorry for just to keep the peace. And that is learned from childhood from feeling like an unwanted child not being listened to.

[00:12:37]Um your feelings just never mattered.

[00:12:41]So you learn to shrink yourself to keep the peace and then you feel I remember this too.

[00:12:49]Growing up it was hard to accept um compliments. I would always come back with some something negative like, "Oh, you you do this really well." And I'd say, "Yeah, but you know, you find a way to dismantle that."

[00:13:05]Uh, let's see. Daryl says, "I was spanked sometimes two to three times a week. Never considered it to be abuse.

[00:13:11]Then I got older realizing it's not normal." Absolutely. It's not normal.

[00:13:17]That that's that's so traumatic as a child. And a little story about that my mom had she made leather. She would make leather saddles, leather purses, and she had the fancy tools, you know, for all the designs and the letters on them. And um she made a special belt for me, and it had my name on it with those special tools. And she used that a lot on me, and I got bruises and colors. And I don't ever remember seeing my brothers. She said she had one for them, but I don't ever remember seeing them get spanked with anything. That's awful memories.

[00:13:59]Definitely wasn't normal and not loving.

[00:14:02]Um, Honey Pepper says, "I find myself apologizing numerous times if someone makes a mistake. Sometimes I have to tell myself just say sorry once that's good enough."

[00:14:13]And is it actually something that you did, Honey Pepper, or you feel like you have to take on the role of apologizing for somebody else's mistake?

[00:14:25]my resolution for myself. I stopped unnecessary apologies. Yeah. Do you catch yourself a lot? Because I catch myself a lot wanting to say sorry. Um not learning how to take compliments and now when you become more self-aware and the fog clears from the window and you can catch yourself doing that.

[00:14:46]Yeah.

[00:14:48]So when care came with conditions attached to it, some people learned that kindness was temporary or transactional. And your nervous system may still be waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is why so many survivors grow up into adults and end up in these narcissistic abusive relationships, emotionally unavailable relationships.

[00:15:17]toxic relationships all goes back to your childhood and because toxic people feel familiar, you know, that's what we're used to.

[00:15:26]We're it's familiar chaos. Uh the intermittent reinforcement, the lovebombing, the breadcrumbming, the you know, your nervous system addiction to unpredictability, trying to finally feel chosen, re repeating childhood dynamics unconsciously, the trauma bonding. Hi, welcome in the random guy.

[00:15:50]Yes, I'm inclined to apologize for everyone.

[00:15:54]No, someone could just bump into they say you good and I'm like I'm sorry. I'm sorry there. No, it was my bad. I do the same thing still to this day. you know, it we have to catch ourselves and rewire that part of ourselves that, you know, because we we've played that role for so long, you know, I'll I'll catch myself.

[00:16:16]I'm like, why did I say sorry? Like I I didn't do anything.

[00:16:20]Yeah, exactly, honey. This the same thing. So, you know, the toxic people like getting back to that like they feel familiar because the trauma body and you confusing intensity with love.

[00:16:35]So, if your nervous system was raised in inconsistency, consistency can feel suspicious at first. You're like, what what is going on? This doesn't feel right. It's uncharted waters. And you start mistaking emotional chaos for chemistry.

[00:16:52]you know, just that that dopamine and the um cortisol rush and the back and the forth and the hot and the cold feels completely normal to us because that's what we all we knew as children. So, a lot of people stay in toxic relationships because some part of them is trying to finally receive the understanding they never got as a child.

[00:17:13]So, how many of you confuse that intensity with love? you know, uh I hear a lot of people like describe so this guy I remember in a conversation from a while back and he said um him and his wife, you know, weren't happy and he wanted a divorce but um it was cheaper to keep her is what his attorney said.

[00:17:36]And then he was telling me that he doesn't get the butterflies in his stomach. and butterflies in your stomach is isn't love, you know? It's it's that um that intensity that's confused for love because to me, love is a choice. Like you get to know someone and then you fall in love and you you choose to keep loving them through the bad and the good. It's not like, wow, I don't get the butterflies anymore, therefore I don't love them. That to me, that's not the way it is. What What's your guys' take on that? intensity for love.

[00:18:17]And then I hear that when we meet someone that's healthy for us, it's actually boring. It feels boring because we're used to that craziness, you know, that toxicity, the intensity, the chaos.

[00:18:32]And so when you meet someone that's not like that, that it can feel boring. And that's actually a green flag. It's a good sign.

[00:18:43]So some and some survivors too, they they'll think if they explain themselves perfectly enough, they'll finally be understood and love the right way.

[00:18:53]Love is enduring, not superficial.

[00:18:55]Exactly.

[00:19:00]Um I think I skipped a question here.

[00:19:12]So, some of us weren't taught what that calm love feels like.

[00:19:18]And then there's those of us who stayed too long trying to explain our pain to someone committed to misunderstanding us. I know we've all probably been through that in this group. This hits deep for a lot of people. just you think if you say it a different way or maybe if you explain it one more time or they had a bad day so I'll try again tomorrow or now is not a good time so I'll try you know there's always every excuse in the book where we try to keep explaining and explaining that we'll finally be understood is love he still loves us throughout all our mistakes he doesn't just discard us yeah that's what real love is not being discarded because you're a human because you can't you can't heal also in a relationship where you're really your reality is constantly being denied. You know the gaslighting and eventually healing starts requiring boundaries and you have to love yourself first to love someone else. Exactly. And I've said this before too like we can't meet people on a healthy level if they're not at a healthy level themselves. People can only meet us where they meet themselves.

[00:20:29]And we can only meet them where we meet ourselves. It's like a two-way road.

[00:20:36]Absolutely.

[00:20:38]So, if this conversation like hits hard tonight, it's probably cuz nobody explained that before many of your adult behaviors may actually be survival ad adaptations from childhood. You were surviving emotionally long before you realized it.

[00:20:56]operating out of survival mode trauma.

[00:21:01]That's insane when I think about it.

[00:21:02]Just going like our whole lives being operating out of a childhood trauma and unprocessed emotions and shoving things down all these years. And then there comes you know so when you were surviving emotionally long before you realize it and then when you wake up and you realize it um this is the loneliness of waking up.

[00:21:27]You know you outgrow old relationships.

[00:21:30]You realize that many many people avoid self-awareness.

[00:21:35]There's that emotional mismatch. You know you just feel emotionally disconnected from people cuz It's being awake in a world that's still asleep. It It gets pretty freaking lonely. It's isolating your solitude versus the loneliness. Um like we we choose to stay in solitude.

[00:21:57]My friend and I are always joking like I don't want a people today. I don't want to I don't want to go outside because so many people, especially with technology, most people don't even acknowledge you when you walk by them. They're down looking at their phones. They don't even know a person passed them by, you know, and so you learn how to protect your energy because it was sucked. All of it was sucked out of you. So you choose, we choose solitude. But that does feel lonely sometimes at the same time. And we're grieving our old identities, our old self, you know, it it's we've buried that part of us and it's it's lonely. It's not all fun. Like I used to think healing was like, wow, you know, you you leave the narcissist and then everything's okay. You know, you get over the grieving process and stuff like that and then and then you're good, right?

[00:22:49]No, I mean, you're good as far as you're not in the abuse anymore. Hi MK Klein, welcome in. Born into trauma is extremely infuriating once you figure it out. Yeah, I've been doing like Exactly.

[00:23:03]I've been doing some videos touching on generational trauma and it and it just pisses me off so much, you know? It's it's so unfair cuz nobody asks for it.

[00:23:14]It get we get inherited.

[00:23:16]What's worse is that we're mixing and mingling with many people who've grown up with healthy emotions and boundaries and they're looking at us like something is a little off with how we interact.

[00:23:25]Yeah. You think cuz that's all we knew.

[00:23:29]Like, wouldn't it be so nice to grow up with loving parents? I mean, we all deserve that. And it's it's just really unfair.

[00:23:37]We we really got the shitty end of the stick.

[00:23:41]So the isolation after healing, the solitude versus the loneliness, grieving old identities, grieving people that we lost, you know, because we have to cut off and stop the bleeding, you know, family, friends, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, whoever that is because we can't tolerate being around that anymore. It's extremely lonely sometimes. That's why I look so forward to these lives now. And I'm really excited that I figured out how to get the um the link. Has anybody got the link in here? If you want to come on after I'm done with this discussion, uh, let me know. And if you found it, um, it's under the, um, community tab on my page. I pinned it today.

[00:24:26]Uh, so what else? So, and then another thing is you you start realizing that a lot of people don't actually want depth.

[00:24:34]They're very superficial and it's intolerable.

[00:24:40]Once you come out of narcissistic abuse and you start healing your you start seeing all the patterns. I don't know about you guys, but I cannot tolerate surface level people anymore. It's just not worth it to me. Like I am I am depth. I'm all about depth. Like actually leaning in and getting to know people rather than what can they get from me? What what can they like using people? Most people just use people nowadays.

[00:25:05]So you realize people don't want depth.

[00:25:07]They want comfort and they want access to you. And once you become emotionally aware, you cannot unsee all this stuff.

[00:25:15]You can't go back to the old way. Um they blamed you for absolutely everything and then ask what's wrong with you. They use the same phrase over and over again. Yeah. It's always you.

[00:25:26]It's never accountability at all. And it's so infuriating, isn't it? like they it's like I'm sorry but you're a human too and you make mistakes too but it's always somebody else's fault. What's wrong with you?

[00:25:43]So, as I said, once you become emotionally aware, you just can't unsee that. And it it it physically sickens me to be around people that are emotionally shallow. I I can't do it because that's how narcissists are. They are just emotionally shallow. And you're able to see and pick up the signs of someone that's trying to love bomb you, some someone that's trying to charm you, someone that's trying to use uh pet names, you know, like guys calling women, hey sweetheart, or hey baby, or hey beautiful, and they think that's just going to make you melt and and they're going to have control of you after that. It's very minimal effort and it's it makes me physically sick. I don't know how many of you others can relate to that. Like once you start healing, certain conversations start feeling empty. Like why are you wasting my time? You know, and it doesn't mean that we're better than them. We're just we're awake and they're not awake and the two worlds don't collide. Like you can't connect with someone like you can't go swimming with someone that only wants to stay in the shallow water. You know, you want to swim out and you want to see the fish and whatever's out there and they they're too afraid. they want to stay over here in the shallow part and and you just you can't connect with someone like that. It just doesn't work. And so that can be very lonely because most of the world is accepting of not connecting. You know, we got their got our phones. Everybody's got their phone base in their phones.

[00:27:12]So, have have any of you noticed that that one some once you start healing certain conversations just feel completely empty? Like what are we even talking about? It never goes beyond like say the checker in the grocery store. It's just such surface talk. How was your day? How are you? Fine. It's all cookie cutter responses. You know what I mean? It's like, do you guys feel like that? They use the same phrases over and over again. Okay, I read that one. Yes, love bombers are everywhere. It's really creepy. That is the first major red flag that I see and I'm like, "Oh, hell no.

[00:27:50]We're not going down this road." So healing changes what your nervous system can tolerate. You know, you start craving death depth instead of distraction.

[00:28:01]You know, actual intelligent conversation.

[00:28:06]Uh let's see. Honey pepper. One of them tried to pick me up at Chicken Trout. Is that like a restaurant? Chicken trout.

[00:28:14]That's cute. a few days ago. He really thought that I was ready to jump in his truck and go home with him just because I engaged with him in conversation.

[00:28:24]Yeah, they're so entitled, aren't they?

[00:28:26]That's like really alarming. Like you just met the guy and he wants you to jump in his truck. Wow.

[00:28:32]Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Um that's crazy.

[00:28:35]It's getting hot in here now.

[00:28:38]Okay. So, that's an example. And right there, like she says, you just and even like being nice to someone, they they see that as you're flirting or you're trying to pick up on them. And you can't even be a nice human being anymore because people take that in such a wrong way, you know? So really learning your boundaries and laying those down is is vital.

[00:29:07]And I know you guys know this. Um, so you start beginning to feel emotionally just completely disconnected from surf surface level relationships. I I won't have surface level relationships anymore. That's that's for like going to the checkout stand. That's for, you know, seeing someone at the gas station and passing them by or passing the mailman getting your mail and just saying, "Hi, how are you? It's hot out here." or whatever weather, just surface conversation, but they're not your friends. They're not. But you'll have friends that'll say that they're your friends or family, but it never goes beyond the surface level. They don't lean in. They don't see like h even know you as a person. You know, it's frustrating because you can't make people want to get to know you. Like I said earlier, they're only going to meet you where they can meet themselves. And and it's I don't know. I feel like Do you guys feel like Do you feel like the internet and social media and everything like that has completely ruined even more so made it hard to connect to people or do you think it's made it easier?

[00:30:24]Um I'm like, "No, I don't want your number. You literally just met me."

[00:30:29]Yeah. He's probably going to ask you to marry him the next day.

[00:30:33]That's what they do. Why do you become hyper independent when your parents made you feel unwanted?

[00:30:39]Because you feel like you don't matter.

[00:30:42]You feel like you have to shrink. Um you feel like your needs aren't important.

[00:30:46]Your feelings aren't important. So you learn to try to depend on yourself and never ask anybody else.

[00:30:53]Yeah. Even to this day, I am like that because depending on other people, especially if it gets you hurt, you don't want to go there or they they'll they'll turn it around on you. Well, you owe me for this and you owe me for that.

[00:31:09]It's not out of the kindness of their heart. It's because they wanted something in return. Chicken Trout is a small restaurant in Baltimore County. Do they have good food?

[00:31:22]And welcome in whoever came in. Um, if you didn't hear earlier, when this discussion is over, I'm gonna like turn it into kind of a free chat to whoever wants to come on here, I've got a link on my page under the community tab. It's pinned and you can get the link to um request to come on the live and you can talk. You don't have to show your face if you don't want to, but we can hear you audibly audibly because I know some of you came on here and said you'd like to talk.

[00:31:50]So, that's available. Thank you for the explanation. You're welcome. Like the fried chicken. Oh, it's going to start making me hungry now.

[00:32:01]All right. Um, so, how many of you feel lonier around emotionally unavailable people than you do by yourself?

[00:32:12]Put a one in the chat or throw down a comment because I know I do. Like, I'd rather be alone than be with someone that is emotionally unavailable. It's just it's just like it's it's like sitting with a mannequin or something like the lights are on and nobody's home.

[00:32:28]Katie Katie does. Yes.

[00:32:32]Like being in a in a room full of people and no one It's like you're not even there cuz no one interacts with you, but when you try to interact with them, it's very surface level like I said before.

[00:32:43]And it's like why are we even here? It feels lonier. Yeah. Being alone is is much better than that. Being unseen around people can feel more painful than actual solitude. For real. And a lot of a lot of survivors aren't lonely because they're alone. They're alone because they don't feel emotionally met. I don't like unavailable and superficial people.

[00:33:07]That's understandable, especially when you've grown up your whole life feeling like an unwanted child.

[00:33:13]Why do we want to keep repeating that in in adulthood? You do because it's a heavy negative presence and you don't feel free to be yourself. Yes, exactly.

[00:33:25]Being alone is no longer a threat. It's actually nice. You know what? I think it's the new flex. It's the being alone and in solitude is the new flex of 2026.

[00:33:36]Before it used to be, okay, I I made a video about this, too. like how we're conditioned as little girls, little boys, whatever, that we're supposed to grow up, you know, go to school, graduate, u find a job, get married, have children, and all of that stuff.

[00:33:52]And um that used to be the flex, right?

[00:33:55]Like take the Disney princess movies. It they Disney ingrained it into little girls' minds that you are nobody until you find your prince and he comes and rescues you and then you live happily ever after. That was the flex and they were lying to us and I don't like Disney for that reason. So being alone is now the flex and it's much better in 2026.

[00:34:19]How many are with me? Drop a one, drop a heart, drop anything in the chat if you you think solitude and being alone rather than being around emotionally unavailable people and toxic people is the flexible narcissist, the love bombing, you know, acting like they're going to be so helpful to you, like they're, oh, they're such a nice person. You guys know all those red flags. So, we watch for those. We honor them. We validate them.

[00:35:26]um self- validation, healthy boundaries, nervous system regulation, reparing yourself, rewiring your brain, grieving, giving yourself the grace to grieve all those people that you have lost. Cuz most of the times when you come out of narcissistic abuse and you start healing, you lose people, most of them.

[00:35:50]So, you grieve people that are still alive. Um, learning emotional safety, not abandoning yourself anymore, listening to your thoughts and noticing your feelings, learning to rest, choosing yourself, building healthier relationships slowly.

[00:36:07]The goal of healing is not becoming perfect. It's becoming someone who no longer abandons themselves. You stop begging to be chosen because you finally choose yourself. You don't beg for a seat at anybody's table because you are the table. Where? There's a song about that, too. I'm the highway. I am I'm not your carpet ride. I am something about I am the highway. I can't remember the name of the song.

[00:36:35]But you are the table. They shouldn't have to beg anybody if they truly want to get to know you as a person. Every time you honor yourself instead of shrinking yourself, you be you build another piece of yourself back.

[00:36:49]Uh, I watch this YouTuber called Joe Gallas. She flexes about being alone all the time and no one can make her feel bad about it at all.

[00:36:59]That's cool. I'll have to look her up.

[00:37:00]Let me write it down. Joe Gallas. Where is my pen and a piece of paper? I can't find paper now.

[00:37:13]Yeah. And another thing is you find out that your crowd is different. The people that you choose to be around. I cannot be around people that aren't healing. I I just won't do it. It's not worth it cuz it's the same people that are usually asleep and they don't either they don't want to face their shadows and do the healing work.

[00:37:36]They're afraid to or it's too hard because I you guys know it's not easy. It's not for weak. Healing is not for the weak people. Actually, looking in the mirror beyond your reflection is hard work.

[00:37:50]So, people don't want to do that. They'd rather accept that this is just how things are. This is just how I am. And I don't know about you guys, but I cannot be around people like that. I want to be around people that are growing and evolving, facing their shadows, doing the healing work, you know, because when you talk like that's why we all come in here. We can relate to each other. We're on the same vibration. And when you're on the vibration with someone down here, not saying again that you're better than they are. They just choose not to come up here. So, you have the right to choose not to meet them down here anymore cuz we did that all our lives since we were kids. Okay, let me go back to her. Joe Gallas. Joe Gallas. YouTuber.

[00:38:37]Yeah, I always like watching YouTubers that are doing the work like we are.

[00:38:43]Reparenting is no fun but necessary for your healing journey.

[00:38:48]Absolutely is.

[00:38:50]And I I do like exercises with my therapist and I did this before I even started therapy where you just picture yourself as a child. You close your eyes and you actually talk to yourself. I talk to my little self like she's sitting right next to me. And I'll say, "Come on, honey. It's okay. You know, you didn't deserve that. You know, you deserve love." And and just talk to yourself like that. It feels crazy at first, but that's how you got to reparent yourself because we not all of us had good parents. We had shitty parents. We had parents that were operating out of their own damn trauma that never even realized it. Some parents never wake up. And that's a sad thing. But we we inherited it.

[00:39:36]Unfortunately.

[00:39:38]So every time you honor yourself, instead of shrinking yourself, you build another little piece. There's another little brick back. And you're building, building, building, building. That is growth.

[00:39:51]You're allowed to take up space. You're allowed to have needs. You're allowed to protect your peace. You're allowed to have boundaries. And that something happened with my daughter last night.

[00:40:01]I'm so proud of her. And I told her she should be proud of herself because and she told me that I modeled it for her. So, we're proud of each other. And she had just met this person, I don't know, a couple months ago, and they already wanted to be in a relationship with her. And she explained that, "No, my head is not in the right space right now for a relationship. I have too much going on with my health." Da da da da da da. And they wound up being very manipulative, um, using a third party and trying to manipulate her through them, saying that they weren't doing very well and all this like toddler tantrum, not gross stuff.

[00:40:48]So, I'm proud that she's come far and we've come far. When you learn to set boundaries, not everybody's going to like them, but that's what weeds people out like that. Especially narcissists, when they have a fit and you set a boundary, that is a major red flag. So, my daughter blocked her and she's done with it. You know, we just get to a point in life like life is hard enough in itself than dealing with people that want to be manipulating us and putting us through crap, you know? And like be a damn adult. like learn to grow up and talk like an adult. If if your whole world falls apart and you're not okay because someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, you probably need therapy and to work through stuff. And that's not to bag on those people. And I actually told my daughter it's really sad because she has these attachment issues and she's looking for validation outside of herself. you know, instead of loving herself first, a person that has healthy boundaries is like that's a prize because that means they have self-respect and they're going to have self-respect for you. And it's just it's a good thing all around. Yeah. Be an adult.

[00:42:01]The only availability for potential people is if they are on a healing path 100%.

[00:42:07]Because we have to protect our our peace. You're allowed to protect your peace because healing starts with no longer abandoning yourself.

[00:42:16]So what's something you guys tolerated in the past that you can no longer tolerate today?

[00:42:23]Because awareness changes your tolerance.

[00:42:26]Once you have once you heal, certain dynamics become impossible to ignore and your nervous system, your nervous system rejects what once felt normal. Like when I gave the example before, like when a guy used to call me a pet name before, I'd be like, "Oh my god, my heart would melt and you know the butterflies and all that." And now it makes me sick. It makes me want to vomit. I'm like, "Dude, really? That's how loweffort you are? I don't like it. What's one thing you guys cannot tolerate anymore?"

[00:42:59]because your nervous system starts rejecting what used to feel normal to you and now it's like a no bueno. That's it's like what I strongly did like is how they play the long game. Everyone can see you're in the tornado except you. When you finally see it, it's because you've already lost so much. Yeah. Pain causes change unfortunately.

[00:43:34]Yep.

[00:43:36]Someone else's alcoholism or choice of addiction.

[00:43:42]Yeah. To numb themselves out because they can't deal with the emotions, let alone they they don't even know what's going on with them half the time. Like, why why do I drink so much? Why do I want to get high? Why do I, you know, whatever their addiction is to numb out their feelings. Um, most people don't question it. They just, I don't know, kind of float through life. It's sad.

[00:44:10]I know how to correct causes problems, doesn't it?

[00:44:14]It's always messing me up. Me, too.

[00:44:17]It likes to misspell things and get people in trouble.

[00:44:24]So, some of you are finally putting language to things you felt your entire life, and you're not weak by feeling emotional neglect.

[00:44:34]Children aren't supposed to carry adult emotional burdens. But a lot of us, unfortunately, did.

[00:44:42]I'm not their mother. I have conditions.

[00:44:46]Yeah. Cuz some people want us to be their mother or their therapist, namely the narcissist. That's the top one on the list. They'll always cuz they got the mother issues, you know, and they attach to you because of your loving, giving nature.

[00:45:05]So, a lot of people survive things they were never meant to normalize.

[00:45:14]But you don't have to prove your pain for it to matter.

[00:45:19]You know, some wounds are invisible, but they are lifealtering and healing like healing.

[00:45:28]You don't even know that you're healing.

[00:45:29]Some of the times it's so subtle, but then when you're put in the situation and you think back, hey, I handled that differently than I used to handle that last year or 6 months ago. And then you know that you're healing. you're actually healing because there's no like marching band that comes along and says, "Hey, you reached this stage of healing. Congratulations. Move on to the next level."

[00:46:01]So, what else you guys? I think I think I pretty much covered everything in here that I wanted to talk about.

[00:46:15]Yeah. So, the painful realization is all this this narcissistic abuse goes way back before they even existed.

[00:46:26]Unfortunately, generational trauma, which is it's so unfair. It's so unfair. And then waking up later in life. I wish waking up 20 years ago, 30 years ago would have been helpful.

[00:46:41]But we all do it in our own time. A narcissist wants you to be everything their mother was not. But then they turn and hate you for everything they wanted.

[00:46:52]Yeah. They hate you for being a human as well. So I want to ask, does anybody want to come on here? and you can grab the link and come on to the live. I used to be in a smaller uh like my face was off to the side so people could come in the live so that I don't know if they can if anybody can grab that link if you want to come in here cuz I'm going to kind of leave it open right now. Generational trauma is so visible now.

[00:47:23]It makes me mad you guys. It really does cuz it's so unfair. Like nobody deserves it. And then when you're, you know, you're a kid, you don't freaking know.

[00:47:34]You think it's normal. These are your parents. They're supposed to love you.

[00:47:38]You know, they must not want me because I'm something's wrong with me. You know, when you're a kid, you just don't know.

[00:47:47]I mean, your brain isn't even fully developed yet. your prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed. I don't think until you're like 23, 24. And then sometimes I think some people's, especially a narcissist never develops.

[00:48:06]So if nobody told you this growing up, your worth was never supposed to be measured by how useful, quiet, attractive, or successful, needed, or self-sacrificing you were. You deserved emotional safety, too. All children do. And if you're beginning to wake up and recognize these patterns now computer's not um hang on you guys. I need I need a second computer. I know a lot of YouTubers uh have two computers and I know the reason why now because they have their notes on one and then they do the live stream on the other. So when I am able to get another one. So your worth was never supposed to be measured how useful, quiet, attractive, successful, needed or self-sacrificing you were. If nobody told you this growing up, you deserve emotional safety. And if you're beginning to wake up and recognize these patterns now, it doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're becoming conscious.

[00:49:16]That's what was cut off before.

[00:49:19]Eventually, I hope I get to where I can just talk freely. I still get brain fog so bad. So, I have to go by notes. I don't like looking away from the screen.

[00:49:28]I'd rather look at you. I try to as much as I can, but this stuff's not easy.

[00:49:34]Some of them talk so normally naturally.

[00:49:36]It just flows. Not me. Because the brain fog, I'm still trying to rewire my brain so the brain fog doesn't take over.

[00:49:43]It doesn't always work.

[00:49:49]So, does anybody want to come in here and talk?

[00:49:53]Have you found the the live link? You can come and talk and you don't have to show your face if you don't want to.

[00:49:59]That's an option. So, don't be don't be scared.

[00:50:02]I want to talk to you guys, actually hear your voice. It's so different from text messages. It's just a better way to connect.

[00:50:10]So, if you want to just go over to the community tab, it's a pinned comment from today and it has the live in there, the live link, so you can join.

[00:50:20]I'm curious if it works. So, even if you don't want to talk, can someone go grab it and tell me if it works? Click it and see what happens. Cuz there's supposed to be a waiting room in here and then um I can accept or deny who comes in there on the live.

[00:50:39]Where's Deanna? Is Diana still in here?

[00:50:46]The brain fog is terrible. I used to speak so eloquently and now I struggle to speak clearly. It's so frustrating, isn't it, Honey Pepper?

[00:50:56]It is so frustrating. So, I see other content creators and that's a bad thing I shouldn't do. That's one thing we do in healing, too. And a lot of content creators compare themselves to others.

[00:51:07]And I'm like, man, I just wish I could speak without having notes here. I mean, it's not a bad thing to have notes, but I don't want to like read every freaking word because my brain won't. It's foggy.

[00:51:20]Good afternoon. Hey, Stargazer.

[00:51:24]I pretty much talked about everything on here and I was just going to open up the live. I finally figured out how to get a link. If someone wants to come on here and talk, you can either show your face or not show your face. Um, but we can like I can audibly hear you and others can audibly hear you. If anybody wants to please volunteer and go into the community tab on my page and the pinned comment in there, you can grab the link and come on here. I'm just curious if it works and I really want to talk to you guys because it's not the same when it's just text messages.

[00:52:01]I wonder where Jeppe is today. Where's all our regulars?

[00:52:08]And happy Mother's Day, Stargazer, if you're a mother. Oh, no. You're not a mom. You're a Are you a dad? I think you're a dad.

[00:52:19]Sorry about that.

[00:52:27]So, this is just open right now. I'm seeing if anybody wants to volunteer.

[00:52:32]Even if you don't come on and talk. Yes, I thought you were, Dad. I'm sorry. I remembered something though. I had brain fog. The brain fog is getting less and less. It was just like for a couple seconds. I'm trying to get a volunteer.

[00:52:44]Even if you don't want to talk, I just want to see if it works. Can someone go in the community tab and grab that link?

[00:52:52]No. We compare because before understanding narcissism we used to remember and speak clearly like they do.

[00:52:58]We don't even know what our brain was being actively rewired. Yeah, we don't.

[00:53:03]It was happening insidiously and slowly without our awareness.

[00:53:14]Yeah, I am the retired truck driver. Yes. Do you want to be a volunteer for me, Stargazer?

[00:53:24]I just want to see if this works. Even if you don't want to talk, there's a link in my community tab. It's the pinned comment to be able to come on to this live to see um if it works. That's the way we can like actually talk to each other.

[00:53:42]And if you wanted to come on the screen, you could.

[00:53:45]Just trying to find a volunteer.

[00:53:49]I think Deanna left. Did Deanna leave?

[00:54:01]I wish I was a retired truck driver.

[00:54:05]I'm trying.

[00:54:09]I love my job, though. They do. They do treat me good there.

[00:54:14]It's just I'd rather be retired and enjoy life and stop, you know, surviving.

[00:54:21]Just surviving.

[00:54:27]Guess everybody's too shy. Nobody wants to be my volunteer. Katie, we were being rewired one small cut at a time.

[00:54:40]Yeah. unknowingly, unfairly.

[00:54:53]Okay. Well, you guys, if nobody wants to volunteer. Okay, there you go. Add. Yay.

[00:55:02]Okay, I pressed add. Yay, it worked.

[00:55:07]>> Yeah, it can you hear me?

[00:55:11]Yes.

[00:55:13]>> I I don't want to appear on camera because it's my hair. It's not really >> That's okay.

[00:55:18]>> But yeah, I enjoy your lives all the time. You give good information.

[00:55:23]I love listening to you. I learn so much. Especially me now learning about what it was like growing up in a narcissistic family system. I I had no idea until a few years ago I started delving into that information and you gives you you just help me. It's like my online therapy. You and a few others and I really appreciate you.

[00:55:53]>> That's good. I'm so glad it helps and that's the whole reason for this channel.

[00:55:57]>> Much better. I will come back on again when I when I have better hair and everything.

[00:56:02]>> Okay. No worries.

[00:56:04]But it's nice to meet to meet you.

[00:56:06]>> It's nice to meet you, too. And thank you for being the first volunteer.

[00:56:12]>> Okay. Bye-bye.

[00:56:14]>> Bye.

[00:56:16]I don't know how you disconnect from it.

[00:56:20]Yay. That was cool. It works. Yay, you guys. So, whoever wants to come on here, um, now I know how to do it. It took me a minute, but it worked.

[00:56:31]Anybody else want to come on?

[00:56:35]Because I went over pretty much everything um on all my notes. If you guys want to talk about anything else, it's just kind of open right now for whatever.

[00:56:48]I'm so glad, honey. Yeah. Thank you.

[00:56:53]Yes. And I'm so thankful for social media. It's like a lovehate thing really. It's kind of good for you, but it can be really bad for you. But this is a good thing. Like Tik Tok, it started with Tik Tok. Tik Tok really taught me about narcissism and, you know, connecting with other people. And I met I met my best friend on there at Tik Tok. And you connect to other people and you don't feel so alone even though it's through a phone screen.

[00:57:19]And eventually, you know, I think Tik Tok now you could c can you be on the phone like visually? I don't know. I don't use Tik Tok as much as YouTube now. I've kind of graduated over here, but yeah, it's been a lifesaver and therapy for a lot of people. It really has. I know it saved my life, you know, just hearing and having people put to words what you didn't understand what was going on. Um, you're like, "Wow, you feel so validated." And then you binge watch. You binge watch so much Tik Tok.

[00:57:53]Like, that's all I did. narcissist this and narcissist that and these red flags and those red flags and it it's just like overwhelming.

[00:58:02]But then when you, you know, learn all that and you're healing, that's why I decided to start this channel because I wanted to help other people and heal at the same time cuz when you teach something, you learn it, too. And and just meeting all different people like this is so cool. like finding your tribe people that like I was talking about earlier that you know you can relate to them on some level and you there's a connection there you know it's not surface level talk and they get you and you feel validated and yes the doom scrolling I'm still guilty of that you know I'm trying not to because we really need to pay attention to our feelings and deal with that and do healthy things so it's it baby steps.

[00:58:49]Just we have to not beat ourselves up.

[00:58:51]Just awareness and baby steps, you know. Um cuz we have to be careful to what we put into our minds, what everything that we watch, everything we listen to people. It's not only people that we're around. Um protecting our heart and our peace. It's not just people, it's everything. Things we put into our body. Um not getting enough rest. uh watching whatever we watch on when we're doom scrolling. Like I start getting paranoid when I watch too much stuff about like conspiracy, you know, the chemtrails, all that stuff. This this new virus that was on a ship and all of that. I noticed that four years out, I am on a different level now. Like I have closure and I don't feel the pain anymore. That's so awesome.

[00:59:41]Yay. That's so cool when you have that realization. I'm so glad for you.

[00:59:46]And then but the pain is gone.

[00:59:50]It's so nice to know when you're growing because sometimes you don't realize that you're actually healing. Like I said, you don't there's no marching band that comes in or any of that, you know? So when something happens and you're like, "Wait, I don't feel pain anymore. That doesn't bother me anymore." It's really cool. Or you don't respond the same way to something, you know? And I I've learned Have you guys learned that like you've I know that I have more patience.

[01:00:20]I mean, I'm still I was telling my friend this earlier. I was like, I can't even walk outside my house and someone neighbors wanting to talk to me and I'm tired. I just got home from work. I don't want to have a conversation. But in terms of like understanding other people, I'm like, "Oh, I can see they're operating out of trauma right now or, you know, they're projecting." you could just see and you have a better understanding for people. I've noticed that about myself cuz as I said earlier, it's like we can only meet people as far as we can meet ourselves. So when you see that transition in yourself, you're healing. You're transitioning from that caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly or whatever you want to be because I don't know if men want to be butterflies, but you know what I'm saying. It's just nice to to see the growth, you know, and notice it.

[01:01:16]I did I didn't know about it. Now I'm 44 and I only learned about it at 41.

[01:01:22]That's better than never, though. Some people never never learn. They never wake up. They just they just accept it as normal. And it's really sad because God, I'm really so on fire about generational trauma lately. It's just a it's a family. It's a thief. Thief of families, thief of relationships.

[01:01:48]It steals everything unless you're the one to break the cycle.

[01:01:54]And I do I don't I want to share something good because I had to cut off my own daughter and granddaughters um shortly before I finally cut it off with the narcissist for good. This was like over 14 months ago and she just recently came back into my life.

[01:02:14]So, and we both have our eyes open now. So, cuz she's going through something. I don't want to say too much on here. Um, but now we're able to talk instead of reacting to pe to each other out of anger. We're we're willing to see each other's sides and have understanding.

[01:02:36]And so far the conversations have been nice, very different from before. The earliest you learn self-love and empowerment, the better. Yeah. Free to be me now. It's Isn't it so nice to be you? You know, not having to put on an act. Can you It It always makes me think that, you know, and sometimes my daughter and I say like, "I don't care anymore. I don't care what people think. It is really freeing." And then I think about how the narcissist like they care so much about what everybody thinks and how just exhausting that is. Yeah. So that that is so awesome. Celebrate. Yay. It's free to be free to be you.

[01:03:20]It's nice to feel that freedom. It really is.

[01:03:24]Yes. Congratulations.

[01:03:29]So, we've been on for an hour, you guys.

[01:03:31]Um I don't know what else there is to talk about.

[01:03:40]So, if you guys want to talk about anything, let me know. If not, um, probably in the next 5 minutes, I'll just call it a alive. Till next time. I am a newer view version of myself.

[01:03:55]That's awesome.

[01:03:57]It's because they want to protect the false self. Yeah. Because they can't face their shadows.

[01:04:05]They don't They're scared of who they are. They're always running from themselves.

[01:04:09]Running from their shadow. Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. They run their whole life.

[01:04:15]It's really sad because even though they put on the mask, they're never really ever happy.

[01:04:24]They are vain. Vain me.

[01:04:28]Oh, and you got the little mirror.

[01:04:31]Yeah. They can't look past their own reflection. And it's really sad when you think about it because if they could only do that, some of them can be some pretty awesome people. You know, I used to tell the ex-narcissist all the time.

[01:04:43]I'm like, because he was so generous with money. Um, he would help with dishes and chores and, you know, um, he wasn't controlling as far as like we're going to do this and we're going to do that and you can't buy that or this. And he was very helpful. And I always used to tell him like, if you could just stop lying, stop being a narcissist and and have some freaking feelings, then we'd be great. But I guess that was too tall of an order for a narcissist.

[01:05:15]Yeah. If you could just stop being a narcissist, we'd be great.

[01:05:24]I tried to dream. I dreamed. Sad and very infuriating for people around them.

[01:05:30]It is cuz they just go around causing destruction from one person to the next.

[01:05:34]They run from what they break. just person after person after person. It It's It's so sad the chaos and the just like that video I showed you with the tornado of what was it? Uh Shadow Beloved.

[01:05:53]They have this video with the tornado and it and I think some of the lyrics in there are are you whatever you touch you destroy.

[01:06:01]Yep. They're just like a tornado.

[01:06:05]Welcome whoever came in. Um, we're at the end of the discussion and I was just opening up the live for whoever wants to come on here and talk. Um, it's kind of a free talk right now. If you go into the community tab on my YouTube page, it's a pinned comment at the top. It has a link to come on here and talk. You don't have to show your face if you don't want to. If you want to, that's cool, too. Um, just opening it up because if nobody has anything else they want to talk about, I'm probably going to wrap it up in five minutes.

[01:06:42]Yeah.

[01:06:50]So, what are you guys doing on to Mother's Day today?

[01:06:56]Uh what I find it heartbreaking that it was their parents that formed the narc but there came a point in their lives that they realized that they were a narcissist and instead of trying to seek help.

[01:07:11]Yeah, it is sad when they don't want to seek help.

[01:07:15]They just want to accept what it is and they chose to master the craft to be even more evil.

[01:07:23]Some of them do that too. It's spiritual warfare.

[01:07:28]The continued chaos appears very pathetic after a while.

[01:07:33]It is cuz we know their game. And we know how it ends, too.

[01:07:40]They just go from one person to the next. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

[01:07:44]Uh-oh. This person is starting to see who I am. Let's go get some more supply.

[01:07:48]That's why they always have backup supply.

[01:07:52]You know, I always got to have backup because I know every relationship is going to fail.

[01:08:00]Every stinking one of them.

[01:08:12]And then when they choose to be more evil, so upsetting that. Why would you choose that? Why don't you just be a good person? Dang it.

[01:08:23]Taking it on the ham radio and 420ing it. What does that mean? Ham radio.

[01:08:32]420.

[01:08:34]Isn't that marijuana?

[01:08:36]420.

[01:08:48]Evil people need everyone else's energy.

[01:08:54]Yep.

[01:08:56]Because they don't have it internally, so they need to suck it from you. Suck your energy.

[01:09:02]Thank you.

[01:09:06]Thank you very much. And my daughter got me this. It had It had a bunch of candies on here like M&M's and Reese's.

[01:09:18]And it had a Rice Krispies and some pretzels. And then I got to keep the balloon. That's my mommy's day thing.

[01:09:30]But I'm not doing anything special. That my highlight today was this live and talking to you guys. Does anybody else want to come on and actually talk?

[01:09:40]So I can see your faces.

[01:09:42]Katie, somebody.

[01:09:45]Amateur ham radio is licensed people talking to other licensed people all around the world. And what about that?

[01:09:52]What what about ham radio?

[01:09:58]420ing it. Doesn't 420 mean marijuana?

[01:10:02]It's some kind of holiday for marijuana.

[01:10:05]Oh yeah. What? We already passed that, didn't we? We're in May now. Wow.

[01:10:11]That will be a fun session on the radio.

[01:10:13]Very nice.

[01:10:17]Is that what you're doing? You're going to be on the radio.

[01:10:29]I don't know if Deanna was still in here. I asked earlier. I think maybe she left. But, um, I'm going to post the cuz I think Deanna and someone else had asked about my, uh, my northern lights in my room and I'm going to have the affiliate link to that and post it in the community as well cuz it helps me like when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'll just stare at it and it helps me fall back to sleep. I really love that thing. It's very therapeutic.

[01:11:03]And then these Moon Brew Sleep Vitamin Gummies. I love these. I think these help, too. My friend got me these. Got me these. These are strawberry flavor.

[01:11:14]And they only have mel They don't have melatonin in them. They have um just magnesium. And there's other good stuff in here. Supposed to be good for your digestion, your hair, your nails, your sleep. It's a hobby. enthusiasts like myself use a ham radio inside and have an outdoor antenna and we all talk to each other thousands and thousands of miles apart. Yeah. I remember when I had a CB in my truck and people had that. I was talking to them inside their house.

[01:11:41]That's the same thing, right?

[01:11:45]I don't have a CB anymore.

[01:11:49]There's too much crap talking on it.

[01:11:54]Yeah, it's just like noise pollution.

[01:11:58]The only time I would use it really is for uh weather and if there was an accident or something, you know, talking to the truckers that were way ahead. My voice is raspy, but I heard we got someone in here with rain and it's been like triple digits where I am. It's been super hot.

[01:12:24]Well, I'm bummed Jeppi's not here.

[01:12:26]Katie, do you want to get on and we can have conversations?

[01:12:31]I don't want to get off yet.

[01:12:36]But if I I've already discussed everything on the list.

[01:12:42]So, the stage is your guys's.

[01:12:48]Moon brew is great. What is Moon Brew?

[01:12:52]Oh, the the sleep gummies. Yes, I like it.

[01:12:57]I like it. I think it helps.

[01:13:08]I guess Deanna couldn't stay.

[01:13:13]She must had something come up. and Jeppi and our regulars.

[01:13:20]The unlicensed version or anything goes, I talked with a professional talk.

[01:13:28]That's good. It's better than regular CB talk on the one nine.

[01:13:51]I'm out of words, you guys.

[01:13:54]I don't know what else to talk about today.

[01:14:00]So, one last call. If anybody wants to get on the live and there's the link in the uh community tab, you can hop on. At least we know it works now. That's cool. I'm just bummed that nobody else wants to come on.

[01:14:27]I'll have to have an indepth look once we're off. There's nothing to look at.

[01:14:32]It's just a link to get you in here.

[01:14:37]Just like Honey Pepper came in. You just click it and then I accept it and then you're in the the live.

[01:14:48]But you don't have to. I'm not pressuring anybody.

[01:14:52]I'm just excited.

[01:15:02]Talk about things to be grateful for.

[01:15:05]Grateful for. We can be grateful for our health. We're healthy. Grateful that we have this community. Grateful for social media because I feel like social media really helped a lot of us, you know. Um, you couldn't find it.

[01:15:24]Um, the community tab.

[01:15:30]I'm grateful for my remote control.

[01:15:35]Remember the old TVs? We'd have to get up and actually change the channel.

[01:15:41]Okay, let me see if I can show it to you. But the phone is not the same as the TV.

[01:15:52]um frequencies that we talked are between government frequencies and the cell towers. So, we have to have a license to know where not to interfere. Oh, okay. I see. That's cool. And honey pepper, maybe I'll come again next Sunday. I might be better prepared. That sounds awesome. It'd be great to have you.

[01:16:17]Uh where is my channel? Here we go.

[01:16:20]Wait.

[01:16:24]If you Okay, so you know when you go directly to my page at the top you'll see um videos, shorts, live.

[01:16:36]Um then community up. It's community or post. Go to the post. It's in the post.

[01:16:43]That's what it looks like.

[01:16:56]CBS were so common way back in the day.

[01:16:58]I won't stay long. Maybe you can tell us how long to be on. Maybe 3 minutes or however long you want to be on unless somebody else wants to come on and then we can get more than one person on there. We can all talk to each other.

[01:17:12]I'm just glad you came on to um just to test it so I could see if it works.

[01:17:21]>> Yeah, we could talk till we all get tired cuz you know talking about narcissism and generational trauma and healing.

[01:17:30]There's endless things to talk about. I just can't think of what to talk about at the moment.

[01:17:38]All right. Um did you find it Katie?

[01:17:42]It's just on the post tab, but you don't have to. If you don't want to come on, that's fine. I'm not pressuring you. I'm just excited cuz I know it works now.

[01:18:07]Are you on it on your phone, Katie, or on the TV?

[01:18:18]And the TV looks different from the phone. Let me get it up on my computer again and I will show you. So, I'm going have to get another computer.

[01:18:33]This will be much easier. Okay. So, I'm going to turn this around.

[01:18:37]I don't know why I didn't just do this to for the beginning. So, this should look the same thing way on the phone.

[01:18:43]So, you have videos, shorts, live, playlist, and post. If you go to post, you can go to post here or community.

[01:18:53]It's on the post.

[01:18:57]We'll go to that. And then let me go down.

[01:19:02]So, it's this first one right here. I pinned it.

[01:19:06]Um, the live today.

[01:19:10]Um, let me see.

[01:19:13]Read more. There we go. So, if you go down a little bit, there's the link to the live. And then this one, guest invite link for after the main live.

[01:19:24]It's right here. Then you just click on that and it should bring you right in. I just get cut off from the live stream.

[01:19:31]My phone. Oh, that's right. You never got a new phone. Dang it, woman. You need to get a new phone so you can participate in this.

[01:19:45]All right. Anything else you guys want to talk about?

[01:19:50]If not, I'm going to exit the live for now, but I just don't want to end it if there's something somebody else wants to talk about.

[01:20:07]Welcome in, whoever that is.

[01:20:10]I'm trying to get someone to come on live. You can get the link in my community tab, the post tab. It's the pinned comment and you can get the link to come on here and actually talk. And if I could see your face, that would be cool, too. Welcome in.

[01:20:26]Otherwise, I was going to uh end the live cuz I'm all out of words today.

[01:20:33]The narcissist is an antagonist.

[01:20:37]Yep.

[01:20:39]Absolutely. Deceptive master manipulator.

[01:20:50]They will make you go insane if you participate in their shenanigans.

[01:20:59]Absolutely.

[01:21:00]Protect your peace.

[01:21:11]Just waiting patiently for someone to come on.

[01:21:20]Most definitely. That's how they steal your energy. Yes, because they don't have their own.

[01:21:28]Maybe I will go down to the pool because it's very quiet right now. I can't believe nobody's out there. I'll go get some sun on my skin.

[01:21:38]I never can enjoy the pool because there's always kids out there splashing around and stuff. Have you seen the black eyes? old girl. Yes. I only saw them one time. That was enough. And it wasn't when he was angry. It was during an intimate moment. And I got chills up and down my spine. And it was like it was not him. It was not him. It It was something else completely like something trying to take over.

[01:22:08]It was creepy.

[01:22:11]What was your experience like, honey?

[01:22:13]Anybody want to share that?

[01:22:15]Thank you, Stargazer.

[01:22:19]I appreciate that.

[01:22:24]I'd love to hear your story if you if you want to share it.

[01:22:29]Yeah, it's the creepiest thing ever.

[01:22:33]And I'm pretty sure he probably had them when he was angry, but I was at a distance to where I couldn't see close up. But it was close up cuz it was in an intimate moment. And I just remember getting chills all up and down my spine.

[01:22:46]And it was the most creepiest thing ever.

[01:22:50]I just wanted him to go away. Like, get off me. Go away. I was like frozen with fear.

[01:23:03]It's like a hollow person. Like something just takes over them. It's No, it's so creepy.

[01:23:15]the black eyes, the Yeah.

[01:23:24]A lot of the times you guys um this is kind of a cool thing that you know that you're healing when you have memories and they don't affect you emotionally like they used to. Like when I think about the black eyes, I mean, it scares me. I know that it was scary, but it doesn't like trigger me or disregulate me anymore.

[01:23:47]You know, that's why I was talking about like that's the main reason like I'll keep his pictures because now when I see his pictures, I see him in a whole different way. I'm sure you guys have seen that. Um, it's a Tik Tok video somewhere out there on social media where it says how you used to see your ex and then it shows a picture of like Quasimoto, how you see your ex now. It's sad they use Quasimoto cuz Quasimoto was so sweet, but he wasn't good to look at, but he was he had such a kind heart. So, it's not really a good depiction of a narcissist. Um but you know like you just you see them totally different and that's the only reason I keep the pictures and because um Hi Mary think it's their controlling demon showing you who is truly in control.

[01:24:37]Yeah. And that's the exact thoughts that were coming through my mind when I saw the black eyes is that um I'm controlling you. That's the voice that I heard whatever it was.

[01:24:50]It's crazy and it's very brief. I saw it when they crossed my boundaries in a major way in someone else's presence.

[01:24:58]I I kept talking about it and they wanted me to stop. Then the black eyes took over. Oh, did you get chills?

[01:25:09]Hi, Mary.

[01:25:11]How are you today? If you're a mother, happy Mother's Day. And I was telling whoever came in here, if you would like to come on the live and talk, you can or cannot show your face. You don't have to, but I have a link now if you go to my page to the post tab. It's in the community and it's it's a pinned comment that has the link to get into this live if you would like to talk because I'm excited. I figured it I finally figured it out cuz I've been promising you guys for the last few lives now. Stargazer, have you seen the narcissistic black eyes? Yeah. Who all in here has seen the narcissistic black eyes? Anybody want to come on on the live and tell their story?

[01:25:59]There's a link now.

[01:26:08]Spiritual warfare, y'all.

[01:26:11]Demons. They're demons.

[01:26:15]We are walking not walking among humans.

[01:26:19]I have my ex is a demon. Satan. Thank you for the hearts.

[01:26:26]Yeah, I think we all have in here.

[01:26:39]I wish we could all get on the uh Oh, my neighbor just wished me a happy Mother's Day. I wish we could all get on here and like just verbally talk so you guys don't have to type. You don't have to show your face. Just come on and talk to me.

[01:26:53]I want to feel more like we're in the same room together and hear your voices.

[01:27:01]It won't work for Katie because she won't go get a new phone.

[01:27:06]She knows that needs to go get a new phone.

[01:27:11]It was super scary. They looked angry and very sad at the same time. They looked pale and other worldborn.

[01:27:19]It is sad because they're they're empty vessels and I honestly believe that demons take over them.

[01:27:30]And some say that they decided that they have a contract.

[01:27:36]And that's why they go out and they find their victims and their supply because they they have to latch on. They have to suck up their energy because they have they're hollow and empty.

[01:27:49]Being with a narcissist is kissing the devil. Yep. And dancing with the devil all at the same time.

[01:27:57]Never again. and never again.

[01:28:03]Now, I think it's safe to say that I choose to be single. It It's the safer choice like really, you know, cuz as I said earlier, when you are healing, you just cannot stand being around emotionally, uh, unavailable people, shallow people, people that don't want to truly get to know you. Um, they talk at you instead of with you. They don't really lean in and get to know you like that. To me, that's ick. That's That's ick. Get it away. I don't want it.

[01:28:36]I just I can't I can't tolerate it. So, I'm okay being alone the rest of my life because I'd rather be alone than getting that [ __ ] again ever.

[01:28:49]Oh, I think I hear someone at the pool.

[01:28:51]Dang it.

[01:28:58]Bang.

[01:29:09]I'm curious how many of you guys did you get rid of the pictures?

[01:29:15]Scientists don't believe we see the black eyes. They think it's anecdotal.

[01:29:18]Yeah, a lot of people don't believe it.

[01:29:20]But I believe it. I believe you. I believe everybody in here when they talk about it and then they'll argue with you about well when we you know when we get excited our eyes naturally dilate. No, this is a whole different thing. It's it's not the same. I don't care about scientists. We've seen it. I'm not going to let scientists gaslight us. I would not survive another narcissistic toxic person. I'm great by myself.

[01:29:46]Yeah. It is so not worth it. Like who wants to burn their hand on that stove again? Excuse me.

[01:29:56]No thanks. That hurt too much. I don't like being burned.

[01:30:05]No bueno. Welcome in. Whoever came in here, welcome in. Who would like to go on here? Um, I got the link in my on my page on my post. Um, it's the pinned comment. You can grab the link in there and come on here and we can talk narcissism, healing, generational trauma, adoption trauma, you know, the unwanted child thing, psychological abuse, any of it.

[01:30:35]Talk about black eyes. We were just talking about the black eyes and the narcissist.

[01:30:41]um not getting into shallow relationships again because once you come out of narcissistic abuse and you've done the healing, you just don't want to go there again. You you recognize unhealthy people, shallow people, um people of low emotional intelligence, they're still asleep. It is so hard to be awake in a world that is asleep. It's the loneliest thing, you know, because you feel like you're on another planet. like, oh, you you just want to go around with a frying pan and say, "Wake the hell up." Narcissists burn down your entire being. It's just gross. Yeah. They burn everything they touch. They burn it down to the ground and then they run away and then they do it again to the next person and the next person and the next person. And that's why we need to get on here and like help people be self-aware for the signs, you know, learning the healthy boundaries, learning the red flags because the more unhealed people there are out there, the more supply a narcissist will have. And sadly, narcissists will have endless supply because so many people choose to stay asleep.

[01:31:46]They don't want to wake up.

[01:31:48]That is the truly sad part. Welcome in whoever came in here. Um, I finally figured out as a new YouTuber how to get people on the live to actually talk so we can hear each other like audibly. And if you choose to, we can see each other as well. If you want to go into my community tab or the post tab, it's the pinned comment at the top. You can grab the link in there. Just click it and then I just add you to this and we can be talking. It's the smirk I don't like.

[01:32:19]Oh yeah, the dupers delight. Oh my gosh, it makes you want to smack it off their face, doesn't it? Yes, that dupers delight when they know they've gotten away with something or they think they're going to get away with something. I remember one time like you when you start to see subtle signs of their behaviors, you know those micro expressions. I remember one time he was gaslighting me about something and he thought because of what I said that I was gonna buy into it and you could see like the slight shift in his body like almost like relief that yes, she bought it again. Yes, I got away with it until I went back on it. I'm like no, something does not add up here. And then they go into the rage, of course, you know, the silent treatment, all the crap that they do. It's hard to appreciate the lesson from the narc.

[01:33:10]Yeah. But at the same time, I remember him saying at one time when we were arguing, it was by text messages and he said, "Wake up." All in huge letters, and now I look back at that and I thought he was trying to get me to wake up. Cuz I've heard from other creator creators out there, um, psychologists that they are trying to get you to wake up. I think even Sam Bathn said this that the narcissist there is there to get you to wake up to yourself to come back to yourself and you're in you come across that in their life to give them some last chance for them to wake up but 99.9% of chance of the time they're not going to wake up but at least we can so that's the time where I do appreciate that I met the narcissist because he got me to wake up He He told me, "Wake up." And I know what he meant now. Oh, I'm awake.

[01:34:07]I'm awake. Trust me.

[01:34:10]So, that's the one thing we can appreciate, Katie. That lesson. It was a hard ass lesson though. I'll tell you that. Never ever want to do that again.

[01:34:19]Yeah. No bueno.

[01:34:22]So, again, who wants to come on here and talk? It'd be cool to like see some faces of this community and to actually hear your voice and interact in that way. So true. That's exactly how I woke up. That's why we come that they come into our life for a reason to finally get us to wake up, you know, to that the childhood trauma, the generational trauma, all the abuse to come back to ourselves.

[01:34:52]So, I don't know if I should go back over the notes again today or is anybody that's come in here new? Do you know what the conversation's about? Did you miss anything? I'm just so excited. I wish someone would come on so we can like talk and like hear hear each other.

[01:35:07]I'm wide awake. That made me think of that Katy Perry song. I'm wide awake.

[01:35:16]My dog's starting to whine.

[01:35:20]They pray on those having an existential crisis. Oh yeah, that's the perfect victim. That's the situation I was in.

[01:35:29]You know, they see where you're vulnerable.

[01:35:32]And um like if you need financial help or with housing or whatever it is, they will take that and run with it.

[01:35:42]But I've also heard that they choose strong people as well and they try to break them down and they're attracted to what that strong person has. They want to extract it for themselves because they don't have that. They don't have the light. They're always chasing the light because they are the shadow.

[01:36:08]Take you out in a minute. Aren't she always running from their shadows?

[01:36:31]And I used to never know what shadow work was. It's like, what the heck is shadow work?

[01:36:37]Now I get it.

[01:36:41]working on all the things you don't want to face about yourself, you know, all the things that weren't true about you.

[01:36:46]Rewiring your brain, you know, getting rid of that old programming.

[01:37:00]Just looking at all who is in here.

[01:37:03]I don't think Deanna's in here.

[01:37:10]All right, you guys. I think I'm getting tired of sitting here. The dogs want to go for a walk and I might go. Yeah, there's kids at the pool. I guess I won't go to the pool. Dang it.

[01:37:22]So, I think I'm going to wrap this up and you all have a wonderful Mother's Day, those who are mothers on here.

[01:37:33]And remember never to allow others to dim your light and always choose yourself. They're scaredy-cats cuz they have had many chances to become a good person, including going to psychotherapy, and they don't want to take it. Yep. All the negative things that were done and said to you. Yep.

[01:37:52]Therapy does not work for them. They just use it to manipulate people. And then they take the psychotherapy terminology and put that in their language toolbox to seem like they're aware, to seem like they want to change and just use that as a tool.

[01:38:16]But you guys, I got to go. I got to take out the dogs and everything. And thank you all for being here today in the community. And um I'm going to put the the affiliate link to my Northern Light in the community cuz a few people were asking about it. And uh until then, keep on healing and never dim your light for others. Keep on keeping on. I love you guys all. Thank you for being here.