This video from TMI Podcast KE, hosted by Murugi Munyi and Lydia KM, de-influences common internet dating advice that may ruin relationships. Key problematic advice includes: (1) 'Love shouldn't be hard' - while love itself shouldn't be hard, relationships require effort, communication, and compromise; (2) 'If you're fighting, you're incompatible' - conflict is normal in relationships, and the question is how you fight, not whether you fight; (3) 'Don't be too available' - this advice is appropriate for dating but not for committed relationships; (4) 'If they wanted to, they would' - this ignores the difference between desire and capacity; (5) 'You deserve better' - this can become a way to avoid accountability; (6) 'It's his loss' - this mindset prevents self-reflection and pattern recognition. The hosts emphasize that healthy relationships require mutual effort, emotional availability, and community support, and that discernment is needed when applying dating advice.
Deinfluencing You From Internet Advice That's Ruining Your Relationship | Episode 218Añadido:
Playing hard to get makes them want you more, and I feel like that's similar to like availability in a relationship. Um, and this is what she had to say about it. She said, "Or it just makes them think you're not interested, and they move on. If you're sitting back waiting to be pursued while giving nothing in return, you're not high-value, you're just unavailable." There's an element of that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't [music] get people to meet you more correctly.
>> Mhm.
>> So, it depends on what your your goal is. If your goal is to get a man, don't listen to all of these things, and you'll get a man.
>> Yeah.
>> But if your goal is to be met >> Mhm.
>> and seen truly by someone, this is why a lot of these things don't make any sense.
>> Hi, guys. Murugi Munyi here.
>> It's Lydia KM.
>> And we're back again with another episode of The Messy In Between.
>> It's definitely TMI.
>> [music] [music] [music] >> Yeah, it's definitely >> Sorry, I do TMI.
>> TMI.
>> Like, actually, is it even TMI?
>> I just got to put on my stories yesterday. It's like, am I running errands, or are errands running me?
>> They're running you, baby.
>> Uh, like, really.
>> Life is running me right now, and it is like two two to life >> Lydia Neil.
>> Zero.
>> Zero.
>> In fact, I might even go as far as saying negative, like negative something.
>> I would say that.
>> Like, you're almost like down below.
>> You know what I mean?
>> Yeah, May has been a lot.
>> How are you doing, sweetie?
>> Girl.
>> Aish. Honestly, this month has been This month has been actually crazy. From the 1st of May, >> literally.
>> Today Today's what? The 20th? The 21st?
>> Yeah, it's been >> 22nd.
>> That's how we're doing in Bethany.
>> We have literally how many more days to the end of this month?
>> Yeah, [snorts] too many.
>> Yeah, no, it's been a really difficult month. For those of you who don't follow me on social media, I lost a really close uncle to me, so it's been a tough season. Hence, by the way, us not having episodes last the last 2 weeks now cuz today we don't have an episode. Yeah, the last 2 weeks, um I was just taking time to be with my family and um for us to just like process things together.
And woo, yeah, it's been a lot. Then on top of that, I've just been dealing with a lot of other negative experiences in my personal life, which are just making life feel so a lot right now. And then the fact that I haven't had a PA, that one has just been now just a cherry.
>> I would say that I think that is the the center of the intensity.
>> on the cake, but I've really been trying to ask myself. Yesterday, I was just like, "Okay, what is God trying to teach me through this experience?" Because it's like too many things have happened in this month for it to be random. And I know there's like people who believe like, "No, things just happen. Like there's no reason why things happen at the time they do or when they or why they do."
But I truly believe that they don't just happen. I feel like things happen at a particular time for a particular reason, and I've been trying to process what that is. I've been trying to lean into gratitude, um lean into rest, lean into looking at how my life is structured right now and what I can um shift around to make the season more uh manageable for myself. So, I mean, I'm not the best I've ever been, but I'm okay.
>> Yeah, and you're managing really really well. Um one of the things that I actually, funny enough, as soon as I I um you told me the news and then I went to see Nelly, yeah, um now we were just talking about, you know, all of the things and I was just like, "Oh, like, you know, now I know like now this has started again and Joe is so hard to reach because you are impossible to reach during difficult season, but you have not."
You have not. And so have I. I have not been attempting to love Joe in a way that I think that that's what she needs, but I've been really trying to meet her from what it is that she wants. And I think that has allowed you then to be a bit more open and to lean in a bit more because you're not being suffocated with like intensity, you know?
>> Thank you. Thank you.
>> I think I've also learned that, but I feel like you've really leaned in. I actually think that we've gotten closer.
It hasn't felt like distant. Um so, I'm really, really glad for that and I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Um you have really handled it with so much grace, hun.
>> Yeah. What does grace mean? When you put something with grace, what does that mean?
>> It's kind of you you look like almost something is carrying you beyond your own effort, you know? Because I know it's difficult. I know you have a lot going on. I know Tiwa and Kenny still need their school project done and all of these other things, but you have been able to It feels like something has been carrying you and so you've been doing your bit, but then I can see how you've just been you've managed somehow to stay afloat.
>> Thank you. I feel like this season also, maybe I don't know, maybe it's just like therapy or it's also like talking to you and also knowing that element of how I like to be supported during these seasons, I feel like it as has actually helped me do like practicals. Let me say practicals now of that. So, one being able to state exactly how I feel and what I feel I need in a at a particular time. I also feel like I've been working on like releasing the fact that or rather understanding that many times I don't necessarily like when people are too there for me because then I start feeling like on top of managing my own feelings, I also now feel like I need to help manage how they will be. Like for example, you say you're coming for a funeral meeting. Now it's like, am I going to be able to focus on what I'm doing and them coming to support me or now it feels like, okay, I also need to check on them, manage them, but actually it's not like that at all. And when I release that, like I don't need to manage their experience, their emotions, their feelings, their own whatever, they're actually here to support me, it makes it so much easier to allow people to show up for me in the way that I need, yeah.
>> so so glad because we are more coming like I don't even expect to think of me.
I say hello to you and then you can just go about doing whatever and I'll figure myself out, yeah.
>> that's how it has felt.
>> Good. I'm so glad. You've done such a good job. Like I can see a genuine difference in the way that you've managed.
There we go, partner. How about we do it like an intro, maybe?
>> It would be good but this this was important. This was important to know Joe's state of mind because >> because of the break that we've been able to have.
>> Um my state of mind is more like in the in the next couple of weeks you guys will probably get where like all of the pressure is coming from. Um but I'm working on something that's like it's just taking a lot of my energy, a lot of my cognitive mind and we are coming closer to launch like closer and closer so then, you know, it's kind of getting locked in. I had to travel for a funeral um on Monday which by the way was a protest days and we were literally terrorized by goons the whole way from like Kiambu all the way to Nyahururu. It was so hectic. Then the funeral the next day, then the travel the next day so that's 3 weeks gone. 3 days gone and then now all of the work needs to get done Thursday and today Friday and now literally Saturday. So it's just more of like a lot on my plate but I also hadn't been sleeping well like you've traveled blah blah blah. Last night I slept really well. Today I've like been able to kind of reshuffle my schedule in a way that allows me to like this week is gone. I'm done for. We'll we'll start again on Monday so it's more busy exciting stuff. That's that's it.
I'm doing good.
>> And this is the thing with life is like there's the things which just happen like okay fine you're dealing with a loss, you're dealing with a lot of work, whatever. Then there's the other things which are just like oh here is just a spanner in the works. Like now who would have guessed that Monday and Tuesday kids are home, roads are closed, no transport. So it's like you can plan for things. Then, there's the other things that happen that make your plans kind of like, "Oh, I know you I thought you were prepared, but like you're actually not."
>> Yeah.
>> And like how do we now roll with those punches? Because like punches you don't even expect, you aren't seeing coming, and then you just kind of have to flow with it, flow through it. In fact, I remember watching your stories that day and I was just like can the funeral be postponed?
>> [laughter] >> Like and we can't.
>> Can it be postponed?
>> We couldn't. They flew in for the funeral. So, literally the whole point of this entire trip would have been like down the bin. So, you know, we had to we had to go. What I would say is that I know that I am always anchored when my when my routine is good. I need to have good enough sleep. I need to have movement. I need to eat three meals a day. When I keep those together, no matter how much is is coming on me, it's fine. But, now those three days when I wasn't able to like sleep well and I had a lot then it makes everything else feels like so much harder. It's more that. I need >> So, how do you how does someone maintain a routine through a difficult season?
Because the reality is that when, for example, we were doing all these funeral meetings and what not and whatever, it's like I know that if I work out, I'll have more energy, I'll feel better, there'll be endorphins. But, at the same time, I literally just didn't have the energy to work out because you're emotionally tired, you're coming home at like midnight, whatever. So, it's like you you want you need those things, but that's the season where it's hardest to keep them going. It's hardest for you to do that.
>> I agree. I think you did it right. It's like you prioritized what the thing was that felt the most important. And at that time was rest. It was just like taking as much time as possible to to breathe. Because the reason why you don't feel like doing it because you don't have energy because you're processing emotionally something so so intense. And by the way, May is May is mental health awareness month.
And yeah, it is. Yeah. It's okay.
Um it's mental health awareness month. I haven't done as much um, content on it, but one of the things is to manage the way it from that way, know what you need when, not necessarily just having like this is my fixed schedule, no matter what comes, I can't move it. Have a managing that. Um, so being able to um, just shift your schedule for what um, when you need and um, it is what it is.
Also, it's like knowing what you can pour into what pours into you and what drains you and adjust accordingly. And the third thing is just because your calendar has space doesn't mean you have availability. And I make that mistake all the time. It's like, are you available when you know all of the things that you've got going on? But because then I don't have a physical thing. No, but you have things that you're working on. Then you pile it on.
That's those That's the lesson I've learned more than anything.
>> That one actually is such an important one because guess what? You schedule a shoot, but guess what? The shoot you First of all, you schedule it let's say 10:00 to 11:00. You also need an hour to get to make-up. You need an hour for make-up. You need whatever. You need the time to drive. So now it's like your whole morning. Lunch.
>> [laughter] >> Your whole morning is actually done.
Yeah, we need to stop doing that. Maybe it feels sometimes it's like a guilt where someone I I always imagine like and this is obviously a prison that I've put myself in in my mind, but it's like if I tell someone they're like, "Oh, can we do this tomorrow morning?" I say, "No, I can't." Then tomorrow they see me, I'm just like, "Oh, I'm in bed most of the morning." Or something like that.
Like I've posted on my story and now it's like, "Whoa." Damn, but we need to give ourselves permission to do that and be that. Like no.
>> Because I've seen what is going Yes, I've seen what is going to what's going to happen to me if I don't. This week has been a lesson. If I know that I have a lot of things happening, I don't add anything else unless it's really, really necessary. So that I even have time to recoup for the allottedness of the first couple of days. Like now, how how am I going to be able to catch up everything?
Oh yeah, then you have TMI all day Friday.
So you have Thursday. Oh, and on Thursday you had a shoot.
>> That's it.
>> I've been able to to like kind of um make up for >> makeup for the shoot yesterday. You had makeup at 1:00. What time did you leave the script?
>> Like 6:00 or something.
>> So, there you go.
>> The Yeah, you see.
>> So, now the whole afternoon. Another thing is that sometimes one thing that I'm trying to do is like if I have a task on my to-do list, is there a way that you can actually schedule when you are going to do that task on your calendar.
>> I know that's why you need to do more.
>> And then you need to actually be able to like estimate how long is it going to take you because you see you have let's say on your on your to-do list car for real.
>> Mhm.
>> You actually need to schedule it's going to take you an hour and a half to edit cuz you see it's not just the posting.
Yeah, you need to put and you need to put when is that hour and a half going to be. Then you'll need to be like even when you're posting you're going to need to like whatever you've added a voice over you need to actually craft the caption. That's taken out 20 minutes exactly.
>> You're really going on for lunch, huh?
>> Yeah.
>> Lunch, yes.
>> So, now in reality posting car for real should be like a 1-minute thing, but everything that is con- connected to that we need to put that on the calendar as well.
>> I agree.
>> Yeah.
>> Creating concept note, CDQ, talking to the client, waiting for feedback, like all those things on schedule.
>> But yet they take time. They take a lot of time.
>> you get to the end of the week and now you didn't actually find time to do it because you filled up every single available slot that you should have been using to edit that reel.
>> That's definitely one I've got to work on.
>> Yep.
>> That's it.
>> But that's where we are mentally and that's how where our head space is.
>> Yep.
>> Um I had said I think the the the episode that aired literally the day before your uncle died that please as long as no one else dies again >> Yeah.
>> Actually to the day of and then someone literally messaged me that guys some of these things we say like in hope you don't remind me that I said that like when someone has died because we're just praying and we're just hoping that this this happens. But do you know what?
Whatever happens I ask for God to give us the grace to navigate. Because what's going to happen is going to happen.
>> What's going to happen is going to happen.
>> is going to happen.
>> That is both encouraging, but also [ __ ] scary at the same time. And just like I feel like such a victim, but the reality is that it is >> It is. What could you have done in the past?
>> God, the human experience is wild.
>> [sighs] >> And sometimes not wild in a good way, but it is what it is.
>> Yeah.
>> Anyway, thank you guys so much for clicking on to hear. We are happy to be back. Please make sure you're following us on our socials, TMI Podcast KE, Lydia KM, Murugi Munyi. And subscribe if you're listening to us on a podcast platform. We are so happy to be shooting at Dusit Princess again. This is our Is it our second shoot here?
>> It's our second shoot, but what we have guest for you guys about the third or so episode.
>> Exactly. We really, really love it here.
On top of it being at a very convenient location, on top of the yummy lunch, the yummy lunch.
Yeah, it's right. Right after this we are going to eat that lunch. On top of the yummy lunch, it's also just a fantastic place to shoot. The last time we were here, we spent the night and it was so >> We should do that more often.
>> It was really nice. Like we had such a nice dinner at the restaurant, and then we had the Actually, we had lunch, then we had dinner, then we had breakfast the next day. It was really, really fantastic.
And guess what guys, Dusit is celebrating Dusit Princess is celebrating 2 years. I could have sworn it was more than >> I was I was like I was like 2 >> 2 years? 2 only?
>> Yeah, I feel like I've heard so much about them even in the past 2 years, but they are celebrating 2 years and they have some amazing offers. One of them is that they are having a special um staycation package. It's called the DVK package, and it basically is going to be running from June, July, and August. For 19,500, you can get an amazing room for you and someone. So, it's you have to be in a sharing room. You'll get a complimentary bottle of wine. You'll be able to check in at 2:00 p.m. and check out at 4:00 p.m.
>> that was the best part.
>> 4:00 p.m.
>> Cuz normally 2:00 10:00 a.m. guys are like, "Excuse me, madam. We have someone about to check in to the room?
You get to check out at 4:00 p.m. You get access to the indoor heated pool.
You get breakfast. You get access to their steam room. It's just like a fantastic package. So, for 19.5 together like for the room, you are going to be able to enjoy that. It'll be like one night. So, it can be a Friday, a Saturday, or a Sunday anytime in June, July, or August. You can actually book now even though we are still in May. You can book now, but then they can choose any weekend in June, July, or August that you would want to go.
>> Yeah, that's Guys, that's such a good deal.
>> We tell you how our experience even if you do it with a friend. Not everyday, man. Not all the time.
And if you don't come to stay, but you you want to be part of like celebrating this, they're also going to be having a celebration party, free entry on June 12th, Friday, June 12th, and it starts at 7:00 p.m. There's going to be offers for drinks between 7:00 and 10:00 p.m.
There's going to be complimentary bitings including a barbecue, a terrace barbecue. There's going to be a DJ, and it's free. So, you and your girls come over and let's all celebrate Do Sit Princess at two. At two? That's going to be fun. It's June 12th, a Saturday or it's a Friday? Oh, cute. I love Friday hangouts more than Saturday hangouts.
Yeah, cuz it falls into Sunday. That's like a whole other thing. Then I have to think about work. Yeah, it's just it's too much. No, Friday hangouts are the best. Okay. So, yeah, guys, see you there. Come and enjoy the free bitings.
Come and enjoy the drinks. It's going to be fantastic.
>> to be so fun. So, 20 minutes into the episode, we'd like to tell you what we're actually talking about.
>> I love our friendship.
>> TMI is part of this problem of influencing people when it comes to dating advice. But today's episode is going to be about de-influencing you on the dating advice online that is actually ruining your relationship. And I know as I've said, you know the kind of dating advice that you hear and you're just like, what? Is that actually real? So, now we're de-influencing you.
>> Exactly. And we got this idea from a content creator called Yetunde Omo Bolanle. You've heard us talk about her so much.
>> Follow her on Instagram, guys. She has such amazing content. I think she might also be a YouTube creator, if I'm not wrong.
>> she's she's a writer, for sure.
>> She's a writer, exactly. Actually, she even has a book. So, go and check out her page. She has such amazing thoughts.
Every time I see a post from her, I'm like, "Yeah, by the way."
>> Yes.
>> "Yeah, by the way." You know, yeah. So, when I saw this one, I was like, "We definitely need to talk about this."
>> Yeah.
>> Some of them I agreed with. Some of them I was just like, "Mhm, not so much."
>> Not so much. Yeah. But basically, let us de-influence you. And we'll, of course, be sharing our thoughts with regards to her thoughts on these things. Yeah. So, the first one, and this one I was just like, "Everybody's heard this one.
Everybody's talked about this one." The first one is, "Love shouldn't be hard."
And these were her thoughts about it.
"Love itself, no, it shouldn't be hard.
But relationships, they require effort, communication, compromise, and growth.
Love can feel easy, but relationships require effort. If you're waiting for a relationship that feels effortless 24/7, you're going to be waiting forever. The right relationship isn't easy. It's worth it."
>> I 100% agree with that.
I have a little bit of a caveat, and it's mostly for those who have been conditioned, trained, and raised to believe that they have to earn love.
This is This can be a very tricky point, because you do believe that it's like there's some kind of like toughness that's supposed to come when you're with someone, and there's actually something that you're almost addicted to when it comes to like the toiling and the fights and the oh, he didn't text me back, then he texts me back. That addiction to chaos is also something that you need to be really, really conscious of.
>> Right.
>> So, it's more of when when you have like the discernment and consciousness, this you understand this. But when you're in the thick of it, maybe like in your 20s, where the boy who's making it hard to to love you is as with you, then you think that that's the thing. That can be a big problematic and I had that for a while. I felt like love needed to be earned. So, the harder it was for me to prove to someone that I'm worthy of love, the more addicted I was to them.
In fact, it was like picky picky ponky.
Who is Who here is the hardest person to please and to get to love me because if he's so hard to get if he's so hard to convince to love When I do it, it the high of convincing him will be even higher. Of course, when you do get him you're just like what the [ __ ] is this?
I've got in my inside my house. But like daddy issues personified is what it sounds like. It's like there's something that you missed in that relationship with your dad that now you're trying to find in someone else. Like okay, you think you wouldn't love me. You wouldn't love someone. Someone is going to Even sometimes your type is that way for a specific reason. The one who gets walks in the room and everyone thinks he's so hot. That's the one I want cuz he's the hardest one to get. Okay, fine. You got him. Then now?
Go on.
Go on. It's even harder cuz now he loves you but even the way he loves you is not the way that you would have wanted to be loved.
I think now I have the discernment where I know the difference between we have a dance that we You know it's like things are not going to be easy cuz you're a different person and I'm a different person. But things are not going to be feeling forced and like almost like it's you who's doing like the digging. You know what I mean? Yeah. You need some discernment on that point. I agree.
>> I feel like especially with this point and a lot of the other points we're going to discuss, the issue with social media is that we are accustomed to just seeing like a headline or just like a quote that has been put nicely in like some cute font or whatever and it doesn't have the explanation of what it means. That and the new ones exactly.
So, it just says love shouldn't be hard.
In by itself, I agree with that. Love shouldn't be hard. Like it shouldn't be something that you know everyday you wake up and just like oh my god. Oh my exactly. I get effort, but like hard.
It's almost even when I think about my work, I feel like, yeah, my work requires effort and it requires like I need to apply myself, but it shouldn't be like I wake up and it's like I don't even know how and where I'm going to begin to attack [laughter] this monster.
Like, yeah, love shouldn't be hard actually, you know? But will it require compromise? Will it require sacrifice?
Absolutely, yeah.
They also needs to be aligned because especially for I don't feel like men believe love should be hard.
I feel like men love or men act in relationships like when it gets hard, they're just checked out. Men it feels like they don't really push through. So, women are the ones who usually hang into that one of like No, me this is how I feel. And I will let me finish first. I feel like women are the ones who really hold on to that and it's used to make women suffer. When you think like, okay, yeah, it's hard, but you know, this when you push through or whatever and you're you're really I can't talk it, yeah. So, it's usually used to control women. So, now in this in this era of like female emancipation and putting ourselves first in self-love, that's when it's just like any bit of suffering in a relationship or any bit of whatever it's just like, no, love shouldn't be hard. No, I love definitely is not easy especially in the long term when now it's like, okay, children or finances or like now it's like growth. Now, okay, I need to go and work in another country. Are we going together or whatever? That definitely there's going to be some compromise and some sacrifice, but it shouldn't be hard like, oh my god, I'm literally going to kill myself. Yeah, kind of hard, yeah.
100%.
Actually, according to divorce rates, women actually ask for divorce 72% of the time and there's a reason for that because men are absolutely in ridiculous and all of that, right? That's one.
Second thing, you know, women choose from this perspective of like I feel and what yeah, and they also leave for I feel.
Whereas men are like kind of decision.
Like this is my wife.
They usually stick there cuz it's a decision. And then that's it.
Versus women, it's like if this feeling is like how I feel and diddle daddle.
That is tends to be the center and it's a good thing. It's not a bad thing. It's nothing to look down on. Um that feeling is like we are we are looking for a certain level of quality when it comes to like how we feel about things.
Whereas a lot of times, I know men who are suffering.
But it's like, yeah, well, you know, see me I married. That's it. They tend to stick that way. But because men are more terrible, it seems like um they're so much more committed, but it's cuz women are better.
>> Right. Yeah.
>> I disagree with that also.
>> [laughter] >> This is how I feel and this is based off of hearing so many men. Even in this episode that I was I was I'm telling you to listen to of So, This Is Love. The episode of Biggie, Maria, and Clarice.
If any of you have listened to it.
>> I I will listen to it though.
>> Yeah. This is the thing that I know for a fact with men. Men will want to leave, but they won't actually leave. They'll just try to make the environment so hostile such that you have to leave. So, the even though it shows that more women ask for divorce, I feel like it's likely that the man wanted the divorce. He They're just too Let me not use the word too weak. Let me not use the word too, you know, just like incapable of having a difficult conversation, but basically they'll cheat on you, they'll treat you badly, they'll do this. But you see now you as a woman because you're like, you know, okay, let me just hang in there.
Let me just fight for this or whatever.
You're not getting the hint that actually he doesn't care. In fact, there's a point where in this episode you listen to he's like he was cheating, but he was cheating and wasn't even a dicky ring to lock his phone or whatever and he's like looking back it's because he wanted her to find that she he can leave. So that she can now leave him, you know, and then he then feel the burden of like oh, okay, I'm the one who left you. I don't know what it is that they are against that or I left her.
They just don't want to have to do the hard work. Exactly. They don't want to do the hard work of like oh, let's sit and have a conversation cuz now you feel responsible for like I'm the one who has orchestrated this, so let me also now like see how we going to leave, you know, where we how we going to co-parent, whatever. That's the thing.
But yeah, these [ __ ] >> I hear it. So, I think let me give an example of like the love shouldn't be hard the correct way and love shouldn't be hard the not correct incorrect way. So, example one is you meet someone and um there's a distance issue.
>> Mhm.
>> Right? He's consistent, he's present, he's talking to you, but for the maybe like the first year or so, you guys are going to need to be apart. Love is hard.
Like if you want this person, this is a decision whether you say yes or no, it's a decision that's going to require some sacrifice, but this person is showing you that they value you, etc., but this is a hardship. Cuz for me distance is like getting short.
>> yeah.
>> The next example is you're both in Nairobi, right? But he's so busy that he has not taken the time to visit you once.
>> Mhm.
>> In like two three weeks because he's saying he's so busy, he doesn't have time, etc. That's that's the hard that I don't think that's the hard which I wouldn't see anymore as like a this is something to fight for because things are going to be so much harder in life than it is now. And if the idea or the way that you cope is that you just kind of a like you just need to be left alone for so long. That for me is not a thing that I want to tolerate. Maybe that sounds like love is hard in a good way to you, but I've realized that being able to kind of find effort and little ways to kind of keep the relationship alive while things are difficult is a characteristic that I need in a man. But three four years ago Lydia would I just been like, "Oh, yeah, like this is hard." No, he's not putting any effort.
He lives in Nairobi. Yeah. Also, what is Now when we say love shouldn't be hard, for me the hard needs to be like it's circumstances that we are managing together. Not You're not the You are the one who is beating me or you are the one who is unavailable. You are the one who Exactly. That is not now love should be hard because that is just like this person either hates you or they're not willing to do the work. So, it's only you sacrificing, it's only you compromising, it's only you who's putting in the effort. That's not the kind of love is hard we are trying to talk about. Yeah. Can I give another point which is like I think it's related to this one. It's also one of her points. She said, "This advice could be ruining your relationship. If you're fighting, you're incompatible."
>> Mhm.
>> So, she's like, "No, if you're fighting, you're human. Every relationship has conflict. The question isn't if you fight, it's how you fight. Does the fight feel malicious? Do you respect each other? Do you listen? Do you repair or do you attack, shut down, and hold grudges? That's what matters, not whether you disagree." This point to me really stood out because I remember there was a time that we um Zack and I had been going to marriage therapy and um at some point she's just like, "Ah, John, I realize you use the word like oh, Zack and I had a fight a lot." And I was like, "Yeah, because we did have a fight." Then she's like, "Okay, was it a fight or was it a disagreement?" "Was it a fight or was it a difference in opinion?" And I realized that for me, it's like it felt like there was no in between. It's either we are good or we are fighting. But it was like more of like how even I saw it in my mind in terms of like we are either good or we are just on this other extreme. Whereas she's like, "You know, um conflict is a spectrum. There's like you can have a little tiff. You can have like a okay, we've disagreed on this. Fight is like now, you know, things are really bad." And I asked her to redefine that. Sometimes when you say when I would say exactly. You see when I say she's like, "Did you guys actually have a fight or did you" And now I've started seeing things within that spectrum that it's not just fight or we are absolutely good. Sometimes people disagree. Sometimes it's like maybe where your energy is right now, it's not matching with mine. is definitely an ordinary part of all relationships. So, you're a human being with different experiences, knowledge, views, you know, just a different body, and I'm also one.
So, of course conflict is a must.
However, definitely if you are constantly fighting, I think you might be incompatible for sure. Like if you always daily it's the ones for like you're yelling at each other and you never have In fact, if more often than not you're fighting more than you're even good, then you might actually be incompatible.
>> is it seasonal because sometimes like seasons can bring up like you guys have a newborn. Yeah, the fights might escalate a bit more because everyone is high strong, you're deprived of sleep and your usual schedule, but that being like the brand of the relationship, no.
I also think that there is a time where you you are idolizing conflict, not consciously, but it was kind of like we fought and then there was like a an addiction to that chaos. So it actually benefited you to call things a fight because then they'll be like and then we fought and then we made up and then you know what I mean? Whereas now the less you're into that, the more it's just like >> You're right. Yeah.
>> Yeah. Also, you know when you're married to a really calm person, you can kind of like sometimes you want to see a certain intensity. Like an intensity to how they love you, an intensity of how they feel about you. So sometimes when we're fighting I'm just like, "Oh, so he really cares." You know, he's like >> It's like that you provoke some.
>> Yeah, it takes a lot for like Zach to raise his voice. So anytime he raises his voice, I'm like Mhm, but also you see we're in the fight. Addicted to chaos, addicted to chaos. So it's kind of like and then that one usually now it's like when you make up, it's like this intensity, but no, I don't I don't I don't like that no more.
>> I I but I get why.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. There's a There's a time and a place for that, but that being the brand is also really emotionally exhausting.
>> exactly. But yeah, definitely don't listen to the the advice that if you if you and your partner have conflict often, that it means you're incompatible. Again, it's about how you deal with it. Is it like during the fight that the other person is Another thing with that episode of Biggie. So the relationship was abusive. I'm sorry to ruin it for you, but his a relationship with his ex-wife now it was abusive. So every time they would fight, she would say things like, "But you're so stupid." Like calling him dumb, insulting him. Like, "Who even would think like that? Like, what's wrong with you?" So, it was like really like verbally abusive. And me, that's I I feel like that's not something that's not a line that should be crossed in a marriage or in a relationship even.
>> Yeah. You've crossed it, though.
>> With who?
>> Yeah. Thank you. So, everyone's human.
Things happen. But do not make that the standard of how you express [laughter] yourself to your partner.
>> You really like to expose me.
>> The truth.
>> Really? You said >> I'm I'm honest. And I know which one you're thinking about.
>> Honest conversations about?
About?
>> Life as it is.
>> Thank you so much. If you do call your man stupid, useless, dot dot dot, yeah.
>> Stop.
>> Exactly.
>> And also it can't be at like at every fight cuz there it was like at every fight. In fact, he was like on their honeymoon night. What's his relationship with his mom? It was horrible. And by the end of the episode, he does acknowledge that and realizes that actually he ended up marrying his mom.
>> Oh, 100%. Yes. Can I tell you something, guys?
Anyone who I've ever dated, their mom was like my character. Like strong-willed women and like, you know?
So, yeah.
>> Yeah. I have that mom.
>> Huh?
>> I am also just exactly that mom.
>> So, there you go. Okay. Another way some other advice that you need to be influenced from, don't be too available in the relationship. Her thoughts, I know your avoidant self will like this, but it's not a good way to build something real. If you're ignoring texts, canceling plans, or making yourself scarce just to seem more available, you're not building a relationship, you're running a strategy.
Availability is not desperation to the right person, and if your presence is not appreciated, that's not your person.
The right one will value it.
>> Yeah, I agree. I feel like there's a space for that, that like not being too available, but that space is in the pre-relationship.
That's not the way I see people who are in a committed relationship acting. If you are this one of like you're just in the dating, you know where it's just like everyone is kind of doing their own thing, whatever, I think that there is some value to playing a little bit hard to get for women like kind of like you are you know kind of like a little bit scarce, like you still have your own thing going on or whatever until now you guys have actually expressed like now we're in a relationship. Those are not the kind of games to be playing when you are in a relationship because that's how you make partner. Now they are anxious.
Exactly. I feel like once we are now we are in a committed relationship, expect to hear from me and see me every single time that we agree to. Like those are not games that I'm playing in a relationship or in a marriage.
>> I agree and I also would say that even in the dating phase, if you need to be so outside of your normal self, it's good it it it won't work because if this person falls for you because they feel like you're scarce, right? Let's say they're avoidant themselves and they don't want to be connected with someone actually truly emotionally. They don't want somebody who's like available. They they don't want any of the things that actually come with a relationship. So if you put on this I'm unavailable for this person and they're just like, "Yeah, this is exactly what I want. A woman who doesn't have needs. A woman who doesn't want doesn't have wants." When you do get into a relationship, he will be like, "What the hell is this?" And you will find that it will be now difficult and you won't even be able to see if he has the capacity to genuinely connect because you were trying to be like aloof and distant while you were doing in the pre. So I think you don't want to give someone so much of yourself before you know them. That's just common sense.
Like so don't you know, but as you want to give yourself enough to see whether this person actually likes you as you will be for the rest of the relationship. I'll give you an example.
Um if my therapist told me that if you aren't emotionally available yourself, if you don't actually open up vulnerably, you will never know if the person who you're trying to see can actually connect that that way emotionally. You will never know because you you're staying in the shallow end and so so are they. By the time you guys are getting deep, you don't know that you're with a stone.
You don't because you are also keeping it on the surface. So even when you're trying to get to know someone, there needs to be some little gentle pokes down to see their capacity because otherwise this is a complete waste of space. And I know I've done that many times that that whole thing. It's like I won't go there so much with you. I won't show you so much of this. But when we go into a relationship and I'm showing you that, why are you reacting like a 12-year-old to emotions? But I never gave any for you for us to see if you can actually You know what I mean?
>> There's two things I've I've picked up I'm picking up from what you're saying.
One, I feel like there's emotional availability and there's physical availability.
>> Yes.
>> I believe more in limiting physical availability sometimes especially in that run-up phase. Emotional availability also I feel like it's in between exactly. And also this is why I feel like often in relationships whether it's dating or relationship or even in marriage or whatever, women will often bear the emotional burden because we're the ones who tend to go deeper first.
>> Yeah.
>> And then I feel like the person who goes deeper first it's almost like you're now responsible for how deep are we going how deep are we going how deep are we going. So I feel like sometimes I'll be like okay fine I want to test emotional availability so I'll give a little bit.
But I need you to also reach here.
If you don't now you're already out. And then the next level it can't always be me trying to take us deeper deeper deeper. It needs to be like also you so you also need to kind of like gauge.
>> Otherwise you don't want to be the emotional driver. Now you will be the emotional driver forever. It's like how best of of how what you're willing to give that's when they are giving. You you're giving? No. It can't always be you.
>> I 100% agree and I I have learned now that I also haven't been able to be as emotionally vulnerable as a person and it makes sense why I have gotten into relationships with people who also aren't because I wasn't even willing to just just test it. Just go there and see if they'll meet you there. And guess what? If you go there and they don't meet you there, that is a good thing.
You know this is not the right person.
>> And then you keep it pushing.
>> Yeah. It's always a shock to me whenever I hear about your emotional unavailability because to me I feel like you're so emotionally available. And also you present as an extremely emotionally available person. Anyone here would tell you that. So it's difficult for me to fathom like that emotional unavailability in romantic relationships.
>> for you guys for you to be able to understand. I would rather set myself on fire than tell someone I want to see them.
Until you're my man, I will set myself on fire. Like it's never going to happen. If it's like telling someone like um something that I'm struggling with. Like this is a pre, right? Cuz to to a certain extent that pre can also be a good opportunity for someone to, you know, see that you're a human being. I will struggle with like I miss you. I I Ah, actually >> [laughter] >> It was something so stupid. Like a guy had asked me like oh like what would I like? Just something like that.
>> I remember.
>> Lydia.
>> Literally, I It's like I could be honest, right? But anything that might kind of put me in a position where I'm like too open or I seem vulnerable or I seem like uh But I'm working on it and I practice this time. I really really did. Whereas like how does someone connect with you?
How does it? And guess what? If you stay like that, then you and somebody who isn't also available are the perfect match because he also isn't trying to go there himself. I am eloquent. I know how to articulate every emotion in my body.
I am very emotionally attuned. But vulnerability requires something else.
It requires for me to let down my armor of wisdom and eloquence and I'm so smart and I'm so able and da da da da and be truly seen. Being seen as a human being in my struggles, in my imperfections.
That's the vulnerability which I absolutely can't stomach. And you, by the way, funny enough, Joe is more emotionally available >> Yeah.
>> um because there's actually there's two times a situation has happened and what your reaction has been, I was like, "Oh yeah, I could." It was some guy who had said that he um >> Some guy.
>> The guy who's watching this.
>> Some guy, I'm so sorry. Um he he had said something like he's unavailable a particular day or like we couldn't. And then you are like, "Why don't I suggest to see him tonight?" Something like that. And it was your knee-jerk reaction. I was like, "You are on drugs.
You are on drugs."
>> Cuz your initial reaction was just like, "Okay, he'll just tell me when the next time or whatever."
>> Maybe next week.
>> And that guard is coming from experience of being hurt and being let down. 100%.
It's coming from the fact that emotional availability wasn't practiced in my home. I wasn't taught to be like vulnerable, to sit in my emotions, any of that. And it's those stuff are usually most triggered in romantic relationships because they're the ones which are kind of duplicating my early childhood situations. With friends, even with friends sometimes you can see how I struggle. You know I >> I can, yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Also, I feel like with emotional availability, it's kind of like the the the risks are so much higher the more emotionally the more emotionally available you are. Exactly. If you didn't really give that many much emotions, like it'll end, okay, you know, whatever. The risk of like saying, "Oh, I miss you. I love you. I want to see you." and then not being met the way you need to be met.
>> Yeah.
>> It feels like [ __ ] But guess what? When I did practice it recently and I wasn't met there, I practiced that the world doesn't end when I'm not >> Right.
>> And that's what you're most afraid of.
So now I know the world won't end. Now I know that that's just going to be data to help me see that this person isn't someone who can meet me. So now let's go.
>> Yeah. Also, there's a certain like very pleasant feeling you get when you know that I'm happy I did this because I was honest with myself and I've expressed myself. Now the response, you can't really manage that, but you can still be proud of the way that you showed up because you showed up as a true authentic self.
>> 100% and guys, that is my next mountain.
I'm working so hard at that.
>> Come on. There's so many mountains. Like we we have to choose.
>> But with the relationship one, that's that one.
>> Big one. Okay, fine.
Like connected to that also, one of the other points where she was saying that this advice could be ruining your relationship is playing hard to get makes them want you more. And I feel like that's similar to like availability in a relationship. Um and this is what she had to say about it. She said, "Or it just makes them think you're not interested and they move on. If you're sitting back waiting to be pursued while giving nothing in return, you're not high value, you're just unavailable. If you like someone, show it even for a tad bit. You don't have to beg for attention, but you also can't expect someone to keep chasing you forever while you do nothing."
I definitely feel like playing hard to get does make people want you more.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> There's an element of that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't get people to meet you more correctly. So it depends on what your your goal. If your goal is to get a man, don't listen to all of these things and you'll get a man. But if your goal is to be met and seen truly by someone, this is why a lot of these things don't make any sense. But yeah, the modern way of like when you're not available for a guy, when you don't call him too often, it's going to entice him.
But is the goal just to get him in the door?
>> Yeah, that is the question.
>> If that's the goal, then sure, honey, do what you've got to do. But to be met, truly met.
>> Mhm.
>> Yeah, you know. Also, I feel like there's an art to playing hard to get.
First of all, like I said, this one is like if you're in the trying to date kind of whatever, not when you're in a relationship or marriage. Why are you playing hard to get in a marriage? You have three kids, Susan. Please. You know, get up, stand up. But like in that other phase, I feel like the art of playing hard to get is more of like um I don't know, call it like a game, but I find it I feel like it's a fun game or I imagine it is because, you know, you're dating out here. But I feel like it's it's a game of like being present when you need to, but also not being too present. So, for example, you guys were meant to go on a date Saturday night.
It's Saturday morning and you guys last time you spoke was Wednesday. He hasn't confirmed the plans and he had said he was going to confirm the plans. It gets to 12:00 p.m. It now gets to 2:00 p.m.
Like the cut-off surely should be like it's the morning of and he hasn't sent.
But now at 2:00 p.m. he sends a message saying, "Hey, are we still on for tonight?" No, sorry. You didn't get back to me. I made other plans. That's what I expect you to respond to. To me, that's playing hard to get. It's not like Like you're not >> It's not That's not even playing hard to get. That's like This is ridiculous. We haven't spoken since Wednesday.
>> Exactly. So, it's like almost like a It's It's just like a having a bare minimum standard which is higher much higher during that season because in that phase they should be showing you this is what I'm bringing to the table.
And what If what you're bringing is 5 hours to the date is when you're messaging me to say, "Are we still on?"
No, we're not still on.
>> There's somebody who I dated who we were talking through the week like normally and we had like a date maybe like Friday or Saturday. He didn't say anything about the date on the day.
But he was like since like we had agreed See, like that's that. I was like that works for work. Yeah, I showed up, but I told him that works for work where he's like, "I'm not going to call someone who I had a meeting, are we still on?" Most of the time it's like everyone's an adult. Like please just show up to the meeting that we said. So, I explained to him I was like, "Okay, like I get it.
We're already in communication. We already decided everything was agreed, but on the day of the date it's good to confirm because things change, right?
But that's just how he operated, you know? But if we hadn't spoke before until like Wednesday to Friday, yeah, for sure I'm not going to go because you haven't even checked in with my life today. You know what I mean? Like yeah, that's a bit much. That's >> And I think that's a that's a good point. Exactly.
>> Exactly. Another thing is that you remember how um there was a time I think we were having a conversation about someone who had just started seeing someone and they were literally seeing each other every day. It's like a week and they're seeing each other every day.
That's another example of how you should not really play hard to get, but like there needs to be some level of like limited interaction or like just uh yeah, an appropriate amount of interaction. You know, it's just like okay, we've seen each other today and he's like wow, I just had such a great time. Can we also have dinner tomorrow kind of thing? I know you don't have plans tomorrow, but I need you to say, "No, actually tomorrow I'm not able to do it. Could we maybe um perhaps towards the weekend?" So that's also you need to pace it. And that's what sometimes you see based off of like >> what your past >> dating interactions are or the kind of person you've been with, the kind of relationships you've been we've been in, our paces look different. So sometimes what someone calls hard playing hard to get is someone else just I need it to go slow enough for me to be able to truly see what am I seeing and truly feel what am I feeling. Yeah, you see because now it's like okay, we saw each other yesterday. Now it's today we've had lunch. Tomorrow we are meeting at this whatever and the next day whatever.
You saying no to a plan even though you don't have other plans is not playing hard to get, it's just playing >> smart.
>> smart. That's it. It's just playing smart.
>> Yeah, exactly. And now there's the seeing each other like once a month.
>> Yeah. That's also a pace maybe that doesn't work for you, you know?
>> thing, yeah.
>> Yeah. You see also when people give advice like this of like um you know, play hard to get, a lot of times we are not qualifying what they mean by that. Like what what is it that we are referring to? What phase of the relationship are people in?
>> And to be honest, generally speaking from all of these points, I've realized that a lot of people just give dating advice from the perspective of their own experience. Like even for you when you're saying that you know you like like the whole playing hard to get, but you are 25 or 26 when you were dating. I promise you at 35, when somebody even attempts to like play games with me, that's an ache. Like, you're you're done because it doesn't seem like you're conscious enough to understand that if you show up authentically and I show up authentically, if this alliance is going to work, you know? So, it's like there are some things also that won't work at a certain age and also that that worked well for you and your man. And then you you're trying to play the same games to a man who like you can't stand this stuff. So, it's good to also like see what the the tone is. Discernment is really needed for all dating advice.
Even this that we're here telling you, use your discernment. That's the thing.
>> Yeah. Also, if you're dating a man who's like 45, it's not This advice is not is not like I mean, you're dealing with someone who's 20, so you got Yeah. Also, see where are you? Where are you in this spectrum?
>> Um another piece of dating advice that's ruining your relationship is if they wanted to, they would. Her thoughts are, in some cases, that's true, but you can tell when a partner is intentionally shortchanging you. In other cases, people want to and just don't know how or they don't have the capacity at the moment. Sometimes, they need you to say what you need instead of expecting them to to read your mind. Yes, effort matters, but this phrase leaves no room for context. Not every missed action is a lack of love. Sometimes, it's just life. I have always disagreed with this statement, if they wanted to, they would, because if you wanted to, you would.
You've been wanting to lose weight for like 10 years straight.
>> Put that on a t-shirt.
>> to save.
You've been wanting to save a coin for 20 years straight. You've been wanting to change your attachment style. You've been wanting to go to the You've been wanting so many things. You've been wanting to be a millionaire. Well, >> are you?
Yeah.
>> You know, so I think for me the to to equate desire and capacity misses literally everything about the two meanings of those words. A desire is just a feeling. Okay, I want to I forgot. He has ADHD. He forgot to call you. Now you've canceled him because he has ADHD. Do you know what I mean? I think that just puts too much pressure and it puts undue pressure on people that you don't put on yourself. Because if you see all of the ways that you want to do something, but you struggle because of a capacity, because you have other things on your mind, like you know, you're trying to practice, you're waiting to a new character, you would have more grace. Because if anyone who's like, "I want everything I want, I'm always able to manage the first time round." Then maybe you need a partner who's like that. But majority of us are really, really not like that. But what she does say that sometimes is like somebody is shortchanging you. Sometimes somebody doesn't want to show up for you. So you know, it's not a capacity thing. And I think women we get so obsessed with the why.
>> Right.
>> I used to die for the why. You know, he isn't showing up emotionally. I wonder why. Is because his mom left. Is because he's And that might be true. And I >> Everything is trauma, she said.
>> [snorts] >> She said that everything is trauma.
>> What's his relationship with his mom?
>> Why? Exactly. But you see, you are right. You are on the money, baby. You are on the money.
>> So it's it's good to be curious of the why. But all you need to act from is from the perspective of what he's actually doing. Nobody cares why. Like I can't That why? That like being investigative.
>> Yeah.
>> I feel like it's good sometimes to be investigative, but you can't like it should not be like everything is based off of the why. Because guess what?
Whether or not whether or not find out that why, now he already did it or he didn't do it. I feel like a more accurate statement to me instead of if he wanted to, he would is if he wanted to, he would try.
>> Right.
>> I like that statement because for me it's like for sure someone does not necessarily have the capacity to I really want to spend the weekend at Kempinski. But he would try and and like, "Okay, I can see that maybe she has the desire for us to spend some time alone, for us to do something intimate, you know, to be treated a little bit."
And based on his capacity, he's able to show me, "This is what you want. This is what I'm is in my capacity to deliver."
Again, in that episode, they talk about that a lot, you know, about like that whole thing of like desire versus capacity. And I was like, it actually makes so much sense. Sometimes, we don't give room for people to be able to show up how they can because we want them to show up how we want them to show up. So, I actually feel like I feel like someone who truly loves me will at least be able to see what is the sentiment. But also, it's dependent on my ability to be able to describe that. It's not just I only just want to go to Kempinski only.
>> Yeah.
>> You know, it's like I need to >> as well? Like, why are you even asking for this? Like, yeah.
>> Yeah. I need But being able to see that your your partner is um is trying to see how can they in their own capacity meet that need for you.
That for me, I feel like is an essential part of our relationship and an essential part of our relationship.
Yeah.
>> being that I've been like single in and out for a long time, I have been on the other end of so much dating advice. And what I've got to tell you is that if you feel like you've got to play games, you've got to be someone you're not, you're not doing it right. Because if you're looking to meet someone who matches you and aligns with you who you authentically are, it requires you to first show up as that true self. So that if there's anythings that they they're not aligning with or the ones they're aligning with, you'll be able to see.
And it's so funny because it's taken me forever to know that at the end of it, that's what it's actually about. And some of the girls who are just like, "Me, I'm too available." But that whole thing is who they are.
>> Yeah.
>> That whole thing is who they are. It's what feels good to them. That's why the other partner is probably attracted to it because it's truly who they are. You, who is playing games, it comes off.
There's more that people read beyond just what you're doing. There's like that energy. When you walk into a room and you're pretending that you don't see he's there, you think he can't see that?
But you you're playing what Moruga told you to play.
>> Yeah, like actually no, that's who she is. That's why it works.
>> Yeah, but [laughter] you see me for me, I just feel like women maybe it's it's a a bit of a victimish mentality, but I just feel like when it comes to the dating scene, I feel like women get the short end of the stick because we are naturally more likely to you know, be our authentic selves or like show up as ourselves, you know, and be emotionally open and and like you know, share how you feel and say all and whatever and I feel like men don't necessarily do that or they're not trained or brought up to do that. So, if both people both parties were showing up like that or are showing up like that, that's the best case scenario. It's like that is really great. You're being honest about who you are, I'm being honest about who I am. Often there's like a an imbalance and that imbalance is I think what makes it what makes now more women be like no, actually let me do this. Let me play my hand like this.
Let me whatever because it's kind of like the situation >> Yeah, especially protective dating.
>> That's the thing. You're trying to protect yourself and I completely understand that, but I feel like probably the older that you get, the more you're able to now be as you're saying this person is probably a man by the way who's dating at 40 is not the same as a man who's dating at 20.
>> You would be [ __ ] surprised, Maj.
>> Ooh, damn. I I spoke out of turn. It would appear.
The 40-year-old acting like THE 20-YEAR-OLD.
OH, NO.
>> [snorts] >> OH, NO.
WOW, not the CEO acting like the university student.
>> Oh, baby.
>> Baby, I've got to tell you.
>> What's going on?
>> It's because I'm just it's like it's hard to be able to literally be someone who's emotionally available. The risk is so [ __ ] high.
You know, and even when I'm saying being your your authentic self, sweetie, not you need to also have stranger danger.
That's what my therapist says. It means that the way I act with Joe is not the way I'm going to act with girl number one when I just met her in the bathroom.
From a perspective of what I'm sharing about myself, it needs to be an appropriate level of being yourself. How do you act when you meet someone the first time? That's how you're supposed to be acting. Then week three, then week four, then month six, it needs to still be in levels, but not in you're not pretending. And a lot of advice I've gotten about like you playing hard to get. Yeah, I've seen what happens in the long run in the relationship. You're telling me that to get any, but then now you're in a situation where like this man hardly doesn't show up to meet your needs because it's the first time he knows you have any.
Yeah.
You know?
>> so true.
>> You you've got to find a way to still show up as you just on the level that makes sense with the level of familiarity that you have with someone.
Here's one thing I've seen people struggle with. People around in my life who are dating is that sometimes people don't trust themselves to know what those appropriate levels are.
>> Yeah, because you don't >> act it so far.
>> Exactly. So for example, you meet someone and you know like when you meet every woman I feel like has experienced a love bombing man.
>> Yeah.
>> So in when when you meet someone and they're love bombing you, it can feel like this is the right time to talk about this. This is the right time to share this. This is the right time for me to invite him. Whereas it's only been a span of two weeks, but because of the love bombing, because of the intense like I just feel like I've known you forever, you know, kind of thing. And then now you're reeled in and now it feels like yeah, I should actually share my phone number and my pin, you know, pin things. Like now you kind of like a sucked into that. I feel like there's also a level of like self trust, self awareness, self respect that you must get to to be able to trust that no, even though it's been two weeks and he's, you know, already bought me a car, I can also still pause and like this is I need to wait a bit of time for for this to happen. That element is what I often feel is lacking in especially women in their early 20s. That element is usually lacking. That's that's end up being snatched up in these relationships. You sit later on and you're like, "How did I end up here?"
>> But, you know, like actually I really don't think anyone in their 20s, you don't know anything really.
>> And it's like and that's not in a condescending way. It's that I I give grace to anyone in their 20s. It's like a Lord knows you are going through so much and so much understanding. And remember when I was clearly love bombed and you are falling you are down on the ground.
>> love bombing you?
>> She was down for this man. I was like, "No." Like I did not see the love bombing, but I um what you are seeing is that he's so great.
>> Yeah. I still stand by that. I thought I would like to stand by that. Also, I feel like me when I think about how I was impacted by that relationship is that because I had you had been single for such a long time and it's like sometimes I'm I just think about like you going home and it's like there's no one who's text you goodnight, you know, or like you know there's no one who's just like oh fixing this >> for you, buying this for you, whatever.
It just felt so nice. Those three minutes that you were in the relationship for me to just be like, "Wow, she's sleeping with her [ __ ] tonight." You know, she's he's getting her this, he's whatever. Like that to me just felt so good. So, even if I was allowing myself to be delusional for that season, I needed it. I needed it.
And it was good.
>> Madi didn't really pay much of a price, yeah, but I guess you did.
>> [laughter] >> Yeah, some somebody did. But, I do I totally understand what um the feel like actually when I know actually anytime something happens to you, the first thing I ask you is is Zach with you.
>> Right.
>> Yeah, because once he's with you, now it's like I know the entire situation changes how I feel. Like you know, now it's just like I ain't going to change my schedule.
>> She's with her [ __ ] >> You [laughter] know what I mean? So, I know all of the elements that make it like oh no one is there for her, no one can do this for her, no one can provide that for her. I totally get it, but wake up, switch up.
>> Stand on business. But anyway, don't worry, she didn't stand on business, but I did.
>> She She's still Yeah, and it really impacted me, but guys, it is what it is.
This is my last one that I'm going to share cuz this one really resonated with me. Some advice that is ruining your relationship is your partner should meet all your emotional needs.
One person cannot be everything for you, honey. Not your therapist, your best friend, your entire support system, and your emotional anchor all at once. That pressure will break even a good relationship. You still need your own life outside of them. This is definitely something that I feel particularly the church I feel like the church gets this wrong because I feel like there's some kind of like narrative in the church or at least in the circles that I was in when I was getting married where it's very much like you will leave In fact, even there's a Bible verse that says you will leave your mother and your father and be bound to your man, and like now it's just the two of you as almost like as one being forever. And I feel like there's a sense in which they try to make it seem like whatever even issues you're going through, it's your man you should be talking to. You need something handled, it's your man. You need, you know, something to be picked up, it's your man. They kind of make it seem like you Anything that you are trying to make someone else meet a need outside of your relationship is going to break the relationship. Which obviously you'll come to find out is not the case. In fact, the more support you have outside, it allows your partner to show up with the capacity that they have because again, desire, he may have a desire to be what Lydia is to me, but he does not have the capacity give me the wellness code that Lydia does. Yeah. But there are things that he is able to do which are specifically just for him. And of You know, and of course there are certain things like, you know, your sexual needs, of course it's only your your man, you know. There are certain things which is just like I mean, you know, you Who's emotionally unavailable? You tell us. You tell us.
Anyway, but there are certain things that, you know, it's just like I need my man to hear this and to and to affirm me in a particular way and to validate me in a particular way, but it's not every single thing. There are some things which is like it's you, it's my sisters, it's my friends. And all of those lead to a healthier, happier, supported Murugi. But if it's just Zach only, now and Zach is at work, when Zach has traveled, you know, when Zach is going through a difficult time himself, you know, and so that he's not able to be there for you the way you need to. No, your man can't be everything or your woman also can't be everything for you.
>> I agree and I think that's one of kind of the biggest the most detrimental advice I hear and it is always being shared for single ladies. No, my man just he did this and then he knew this and then he knew that. But here's the thing, you know, most people who are currently in relationships don't lead with what their men can't do. They lead with what their men can do because the other stuff is like they're things that they're working through, they're things that are private. You know, so if everyone is talking from the perspective of what is going right, then you think that everything is going right. It's just like this are the things that like they lean towards or their men do like really well, but there are all of these other things that maybe that they get they outsource their I don't know, like that kind of like depth or maybe like advice or whatever it is they outsource to other people. And back in the day, by the way, couples had so much community.
This idea of like you two isolated over there is a very new concept and it actually doesn't go towards the way that we are naturally wired. We need community. There's like you go to elders, all we don't have that anymore, you know? So I think it's it's actually smart and it's mature and I think it's the way to lead so that you don't put so much pressure on your relationship. And I know I've also struggled with that as well, kind of expecting my partner to be the beginning and the end for me.
>> It's also super tiring for them. Imagine like every single thing you they are the only ones that you can call, it gets exhausting being someone's everything.
>> But women are that to their men all the time.
>> the truth. Also, I've realized that there are elements of this in particular that at the beginning of a relationship it feels that way like you want to be everything to that person. But that thing which you love so much at the beginning later on you're like, "When you don't have friends? Or when you like I mean there's no one else you can talk to like oh my god, no."
>> Yeah, and men are mostly like that.
Mostly men their woman is like their beginning and their end for a lot of things.
>> true. Yeah.
>> Yeah. I feel like I'm his beginning and end.
>> You're back up. I know.
>> Help me.
>> You're the And this is the last one. So, this is dating advice.
>> It's ruining your relationship.
>> You deserve better.
>> [laughter] >> Maybe you do, but maybe you also need to be better.
>> [snorts] >> Maybe you also need to communicate better, show up more, or work on your own issues. You deserve better has has become a way to avoid accountability.
Yes, don't settle, but also don't act like you're perfect and every relationship failure is somebody else's fault. Growth goes both ways. And I think I'll say this from my perspective of like me learning like all of these tiny little ways I'm actually not emotionally emotionally available. And like kind of leading with the thing that I think brings me the most value and I've always done that which is like my intellect. So, I table that as like the most important thing. Great. They also table that.
3 months deep in the relationship no one here has has the capacity to actually hold each other like we can't hold space for emotions. And me what I've learned is that once I'm in I'm in a relationship I'm secure enough to be emotionally available. But now how do you know this person is?
You know? So, I think there's ways now that I'm seeing and actually I think I've always been able to take accountability of my part always. But now imagine you've gone through your life not knowing that actually part of the problem is this thing that you bring that then doesn't that limits you from like actually connecting with people like genuinely.
Then with going through life feeling like oh no, woe is me like God said You know? I actually think that in every situation that you get out of, it's good to understand the your own path towards it and your contribution to it. And I'm not saying think about why he hates you.
No, I'm talking about what were the signs that he could be someone who hates me. And not so that you can blame yourself, it's so that you can be aware to kind of now pick up that if ever someone else presents like that next time.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Also doing that also helps you stop thinking of as yourself so much as a victim, but also gives you power because then it makes you believe that next time I can choose different.
If I know how I chose this time, next time I can be able to choose different.
I also feel like the people who when you hear advice, you deserve better. The people who actually deserve better, when you hear it, I feel like you know that you deserve better. If it's something like your man is hitting you, your man is cheating on you, or your girlfriend is perpetually I don't know, verbally abusing you. Or like there are certain things which I think universally we all know if this is happening in your relationship, it's not right. You guys should definitely split up. If you are in a relationship where when you hear the advice I deserve better, it resonates and you instantly think that maybe you also need to just like think about it. You know, me, when when I hear the advice you deserve better, I'm just like, "No, I think I think I'm good. I think I'm good. I feel like I deserve Zach and Zach deserves me."
That's how I whenever I hear advice like that, that's how I feel. So, I feel like it's also an opportunity. Like sometimes when you listen to relationship advice online, it's an opportunity for you to just query. How do I feel when I hear that advice? What do I think? Is it like all And then you know, sometimes when you're going through a situation, you'll see particular advice and suddenly you're applying it to your own relationship.
>> Yeah.
>> You see another one, suddenly you're applying it to your own relationship.
Then another time when you're happy, you won't it won't even apply to you. Like you'll just see it and be like, "Oh, that was meant for someone else."
>> And sometimes it's a it's an deed. Like he could do something that is like you deserve better. That's true. But we're not saying burn him and the relationship down. Sometimes it's like a situation situational situation. And then that's something to actually lean in and be like, "Yeah, no. This behavior, I deserve better." versus the entire relationship can now go in the bin.
>> man can go in the bin.
>> Another thing that's kind of um connected with that that I think is uh advice that ruins relationship is um is it's it's his loss.
>> Is it?
>> No.
>> I think if you keep consistent with that without ever like kind of looking inward, the same as what they they've just said, you go through every single situation feeling like, "Wow, me. What their loss." Like, you know, because you've put put positioned yourself as like, "I am the prize. I am the gift." which doesn't allow you to see how you're constantly repeating the same patterns and getting the exact same result. So, yeah, maybe it was their loss. Maybe it truly is, but what what does that do to you except for make you feel good? And use it to your advantage, but don't let it blind you to the point of not being able to navigate with wisdom in the next situation because you're not trying to look at what your part was, you know?
Yeah. Also, it might be his loss. Maybe he's lost you, but like what have you lost? You could have lost self-respect.
You could have [laughter] lost time because you've been exactly You could have lost time. You could have lost There's so many other things besides just oh, he's lost kind of thing. And actually, I feel like that's definitely some kind of like um defense mechanism or like a coping mechanism for sure because you don't want to imagine that actually that could have been my life partner, but now, you know, I've lost it or whatever. You want to just be like, "Ah, yeah, I'm sure, you know, the next is going to be better. God never What do they say?
Something like, yeah, he right?"
>> find somebody who you found somebody who's better fitted to you.
>> Yeah.
>> They're better fitted to you because they're nothing like me. They're better fitted to you because they're not as I don't know intense. They don't They don't ask as much of you. It doesn't matter what. You will find someone who's better for you.
>> I find that so difficult to accept. Like the thought that I'm not the ultimate woman for all men who exist.
>> That's so delusional. It's crazy. It's crazy.
>> Yeah, but to me in my mind it's like, yeah, if all these men could pick anyone, it's me who they would pick. But because, you know, I'm married, I guess they can't. So I they have settled for the next best or whatever. Even the thought Even the thought that any of my exes are with anyone who is who they love more than they love me. I I I struggle I struggle with that thought.
Because I'm so amazing. So it's like I imagine Of course, it's all delusional like she's saying. It's all delusional.
I imagine that they spend their time being like, okay, at least I ended up with someone. I mean, it's not Murugi, but like it's someone, you know?
>> I think that there is possibility like based on how some people who have broken up have acted is like, okay, you had no choice but now to go with somebody who wasn't me. They Yeah, there's plenty of ways that they act that way. But I think just because they're they're I'm the one they wanted most doesn't mean I was their their better better fitted to them. You know what I mean? That's the way I imagine. For example, She's Do you know what I mean?
Does that make Exactly. So sometimes it's like, yeah, sure, I may be the desire, but who would based on your capacity is your best fit. And I like that when I do I don't feel It doesn't do anything to me to imagine that you're still hung up on me.
>> And she when exes are still like coming back to me afterwards I don't know what kind of ex. It depends on what kind of ex. So now Wrap up your episode, please.
And she showed she you even had And you kept adding points. Yeah. Anyway, I like the thought that someone is somewhere hung up on me. I like the thought.
However, it's like it just needs to be there as a thought, not your me.
You're exactly It's not my identity.
It's just like It's something which is slightly just like boosting. As I'm going through life, I'm just like, "Oh, I know that person is somewhere just thinking about me." Kind of thing. And sometimes you need to be delusional like that, you know, kind of thing. Yeah.
>> after a relationship, you must say that it is lost. You must keep up that practice and affirmation that yes, it was his loss. And are also delusional.
That's That's their whole story.
>> "Right now he's Right now he's at home crying himself to sleep." Meanwhile, he's at the club.
He's at the club having a blast.
[clears throat] The real life is like >> you need to do that, but you can't make that literally like your grounding practice and like your guiding light about moving on from relationships because it blinds you from seeing where maybe you're not getting your foot right.
>> Exactly. And then it can't be the basis upon which you've found your confidence because the day that you meet them out somewhere and you can see actually they are way way happier than when they were with you, then now it's going to your your self-confidence will now crumble. When you realize actually, no, you are not his ultimate woman. His ultimate woman is the one who he's with now and he actually thanks God every day that you broke up with him.
>> So damn.
>> It does. They're those two delusional.
They keep you going though. You can't tell yourself like he's really a lot happier without me. Not especially day one. After a while, it's like it doesn't matter if he is.
>> Yeah, it doesn't. Especially if you're happy in your own life or whatever with your next man or alone. Then, you know, you wouldn't even matter to you.
>> That alone was for me.
Thank you.
>> Even if you're alone, you can be very happy.
>> Yeah.
And that's all for today, folks. I have not looked here once. [snorts] >> We have not looked here once.
>> I think you've been looking here quite a bit. I've been looking there.
>> Really? Damn. Anyway, guys, that's the dating advice that we think maybe ruining relationships. And of course it's coming from like trusted sources because I have been in a relationship for a long time and >> I too.
>> So have I. So this is the advice to truly listen to. The only one you're going to listen to is us. It's very much us, but you guys can let us know what are some of the dating advice that you're hearing online on the internet that's making you feel like oh my god this is ruining relationships. I was actually having this conversation with my friend Bree. She's also been married like almost 10 years just like you. And like it was like a dating advice podcast and she was just like after 10 years of marriage the simplest things are the ones that are the most important but you never hear it. Like is he kind? Is he malleable? Is he open-minded? But people are just thinking about things like is he 6 ft? Does he You know what I mean?
And like those things in the end of it did not make as much difference to her as those simple principle things. So maybe you've been in a relationship for so long or maybe you're someone who's single and now you've learned.
>> Yeah.
>> You know? So you can let us know what are some of the advice that you think people should just stop listening to because it's ruining their relationships.
>> Exactly. And my advice as you navigate social media because it's not that all the advice on the internet is now useless. I would say question the source. Question the source that you're getting this advice and information from. So for me I feel like these certain pages which I follow or like podcasters or wellness people or therapists that I trust >> Yeah.
>> their voice. You know, I when they say something I still I'm always like okay, let me see how do I feel about this. But I'm more likely because they are perhaps in a the kind of relationship that I admire or from what I can see or they're just a voice that is trusted in the industry. As opposed to just like okay, there's this random person who is just your neighbor who just shares things and then because they have shared it and like maybe 10 other people have shared it you assume okay, it must be true. No, maybe the 10 people are wrong. So question the sources. The second thing I would say is that try to dig deeper. If it's like for example an article and the heading is love shouldn't be hard, read the article so you can see what the person means. Not just take the love shouldn't be hard and then you're just like now the next time your man says, "Oh, I think we might need to cut down our budget." Love shouldn't be hard. No.
Let's also just like query. See what does that what they mean by that and then just see if perhaps something a piece of advice works for Lydia might not work for me, works for me might not work for Lydia. Let's try and be more curious as opposed to just taking things at face.
>> Exactly. That kind of that key is the sermon of the internet.
>> Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.
>> Yeah, all right guys. Well, tell us in the comments and [music] we will see you on our next episode. Bye.
>> [music]
Videos Relacionados
What is the 'Four Sixes' Dating Trend? The Reality Behind Social Media's Impossible Standards
IsiahFactorUncensored
260 views•2026-05-29
Jason Reacts To PrimatePaige Showing Doubt For Her NMS Boxing 4 Fight..
jasontheweennews
1K views•2026-05-28
Why Do We Dream? The Strange Psychology Behind It
PsychologyIsSimplified
118 views•2026-06-03
🔥 Meghan’s Curtsy EXPOSED Harry’s Feelings
TheBehaviorPanel
16K views•2026-06-01
CHRONIK WANTS ALL THE SMOKE WITH CLUE...
kiddnchinx
2K views•2026-05-28
📩People Are Concerned About "His" Mental Health! You Leaving Broke💔Something In "Him"...
SeeWhatSee-n2m
4K views•2026-06-01
The Fastest Way of Calming Down Your Anxious Partn
emotionalsam
2K views•2026-05-29
Your Fear Starts Sounding Like Truth#PsychologyFacts #MindSecrets#Overthinking#HumanBehavior#mind
MindSecrets-d2v
222 views•2026-05-28
