Just a Thought | My Response to an Adult Estranged Daughter’s 2 Questions on Criticism

[00:00:00]Hey everybody.

[00:00:02]An adult estranged daughter recently reached out to me and asked me two questions. And I'm going to read her comment to you.

[00:00:14]She says, "Hi Janna. I am an adult estranged daughter and I enjoy listening to your videos. It helps me learn and grow to understand better my own situation. May I ask you a question or maybe two?

[00:00:31]When your daughters have expressed that you hurt their feelings, do you interpret that as criticism?

[00:00:40]Also, do you feel that if someone criticizes you, then they do not accept you? Thank you for any response."

[00:00:50]So, first let me start off by saying um this comment did not come from one of my own estranged daughters. It came from one of um my viewers here on the channel um to help with her healing and I want to say thank you very much to this viewer. Um I I I love that some of these adult estranged children are coming in here and watching my videos. And I found her comment and question to be super respectful.

[00:01:30]And that's the kind of communication that I find really helpful. So, I thought in this I thought in this just a thought video that I would go ahead and answer her question questions and I'm going to do it through the lens of being a 68-year-old family scapegoat or escapegoat or former scapegoat as I I to call myself.

[00:01:57]Now, my first instinct as a family scapegoat, because it's been drilled into me, I was asking myself, "Does this mean I'm flawed?

[00:02:10]Does this mean I'm the problem?"

[00:02:13]Um you know, my family says so, outsiders say so. So, that was my very first instinct. But, you know, I am a good person.

[00:02:22]I'm I'm a regular person with issues just like everybody else, but I'm I'm not the I'm not the villain. I'm just an imperfect person.

[00:02:33]And um but I find questions like this really useful, because then I can reflect on like the patterns of my own personality and behavior, um and use that as self-improvement.

[00:02:47]Now, getting directly to her question, the first question, and um I'm going to read it again for you. "When your daughters have expressed that you hurt their feelings, do you interpret that as criticism?"

[00:03:02]And the short answer is no, I do not, and I'm going to explain why.

[00:03:09]So, let's dissect this first question, because she asks, "When my daughters have expressed that I have hurt them, did I take that as criticism?" That's just the thing. I don't see it as an expression of hurt, and I think this is where a lot of miscommunication comes in between estranged parents and estranged kids, because on the kids' side, they can be feeling like, "Well, I told I told her I told my parents I told them how I feel."

[00:03:49]And on the parents' side, uh a lot of us are saying, "We don't know what we did wrong."

[00:03:57]You know, and then the kids will come back and say, "That's not true. I told you." And And And you hear that a lot.

[00:04:04]But, the reality of it is that many of these estranged kids are coming to us angrily, with disrespect and name-calling, and you can't hear feelings when it's expressed that way.

[00:04:20]That is actually verbal abuse, and that is an act of aggression.

[00:04:30]Uh when uh an adult child comes at you that way, and it's not an expression of pain. It's an act of a um aggression, and in a toxic in a toxic family situation, it's used by the adult child to justify their poor behavior.

[00:04:53]So, um you know, and then they can act as a vic- victim um while they're operating as the aggressor. And, you know, parents and n- really not None of us are mind readers, and we shouldn't be expected to be.

[00:05:14]Now, in my own estrangement uh with my three daughters, there is one exception, and that was when my youngest daughter came to me and ex- did express her hurt feelings over me not visiting her new home. Uh I didn't take that as criticism or blame or anything, and I actually um like I didn't take it as criticism. I felt it was really healthy and refreshing, because it's not the usual blame and gossip and name-calling that I'm used to receiving from my family my entire life.

[00:05:54]Um and I did apologize to her and I apologized more than once.

[00:05:59]I explained or attempted to explain my feelings and why and my reasons, but that wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough and this is where the toxic ship came into play because and she immediately shifted to calling me out on issues that weren't even hers, that were issues her older sisters had with me. While at the same time she was saying, "Well, I don't think you did anything really wrong or really bad." I forget which word she used, wrong or bad.

[00:06:36]So um and and that's just another reason I am aware that I'm a scapegoat because they have um moving goalposts. You know, apologies are viewed as confessions and you're punished in the and the goal is not to mend. In a healthy family you mend. In a toxic family the goal is to punish.

[00:07:05]Now here's what I consider something to be real criticism, what real criticism looks like. This same daughter, the youngest daughter, said to me more than one time, "I hope you're working on yourself."

[00:07:19]And that in and of itself implies that I'm the problem and I need fixing. And it's really ironic because she wasn't even around in my life to even know uh if I wasn't working on myself or or anything. Um and you know, the first time she said that to me, I replied back to her and told her I was working on myself and that I hope she was working on herself, too.

[00:07:53]And what did I get in return? Just dead silence.

[00:07:59]Um and then in the next very next conversation, she repeated the same thing. Like, I hope you're working on yourself. You know, that just means, you know, here's this family narrative. I hadn't seen her in a very long time.

[00:08:13]Uh she just hears that I'm a bad person.

[00:08:15]How would she know?

[00:08:17]And And what does she even consider bad?

[00:08:19]But I can I I do consider comments like that criticism. I do take those as criticism.

[00:08:26]Um but, you know, when they say they hurt your feelings, do I take that as criticism?

[00:08:35]No, because there That That's not Saying something like, I hope you're working on yourself is not an expression of her hurt feelings.

[00:08:47]Um so, you know, what you take as cris- criticism is like within the manner in which it's said because you don't hear feelings. You just hear rudeness and accusations.

[00:09:02]Let me move on here to this adult estranged daughter who um to her second question. And that was Do you feel that if someone criticizes you, then they do not accept you? And again, another great question. Now, for a scapegoat, this is a lot harder for us. Um and it doesn't mean that we're too sensitive.

[00:09:31]It's not about that. For us, it feels threatening.

[00:09:37]In a In a healthy relationship, one would hear, "You made a mistake."

[00:09:44]For a scapegoat, you hear, "You are a mistake." And that That's like kind of hardwired into our brains after decades of being unfairly blamed.

[00:09:57]Um and then a lot of us have anxiety. I know I sure do. But it can be more than that. It can be hypervigilance, which is simply just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[00:10:11]There actually two types of acceptance um that are not acceptance.

[00:10:19]Um In a In a toxic situation, you aren't accepted for who you are. You They want you to change so they can be comfortable. And their goal is to punish and control, humiliate.

[00:10:38]Um and they do this through character attacks. Um They need to keep that family narrative going. And that's a That's an example of a non-acceptance.

[00:10:51]Now, in a healthy situation, the goal is connection. So, they still love you and they realize and accept that you're You know, they acknowledge that you're an imperfect human being that makes mistakes like all of us.

[00:11:12]You know, if you want to be heard, then it is a good idea to use I statements like You would say something like, "I feel hurt when You know, whatever."

[00:11:26]Um and not use you statements like, "You are toxic." Because that just drives people away.

[00:11:36]So, I think that's a very important communication skill to learn, um, to use I statements.

[00:11:43]Um, so, for her first question, did I take their hurt as criticism? No, it wasn't uh, it wasn't hurt, it was abuse. It was verbal abuse.

[00:11:58]Um, and then her second question, does criticism mean non-acceptance?

[00:12:04]Yes, in a toxic situation like me, it does. In a healthy situation, it does not. So, I am not taking their hurt as criticism, I'm taking their abuse as criticism. So, I hope that makes sense.

[00:12:21]As a scapegoat, I'm not playing the game any longer. I'm not I'm no longer willing to sit back in the corner silently and just accept that name-calling, um, and then trying to decolt decode their hurt feelings behind that. You know, I've tried that before. I've even been talked about it in previous videos.

[00:12:45]It's like, "Oh, I realized she was hurt when she did this." Meanwhile, she's screaming at me. Well, I'm not no longer going to do that. I'm past that. I'm I'm past that. I shouldn't I'm not a mind reader and I shouldn't have to decode those feelings. You know, if somebody wants you to hear them, then you need to lead with the feelings, not with an assault on somebody's character.

[00:13:12]Um, I'm just choosing not to participate in abuse, and that's not the same as being sensitive or overly sensitive to criticism.

[00:13:24]Um, it's choosing self-respect and peace.

[00:13:29]I hope you guys got something out of this video. Thank you once again to that adult daughter who was so kind and respectful with her questions. I truly appreciate you. I appreciate the questions. Take care and I hope you all have a great day.