Anxious and avoidants/ Men don't feel appreciated/Codependency (Time stamps)

Added: 2026-05-13

[00:00:01]Hey guys, it's your girl Kizzy Rock and yes, Kizzy Rock is my birthday give a name. Happy Thursday. Want to say hey to all my subscribers, newest well season.

[00:00:10]I got a word for you. Tap in. Happy Thursday morning, depending on where you are. My chosen brothers and sisters, guys, I want to speak um in regards to a few things. My recordings have been longer than normal cuz I'm having more downloads. I'm going to try my best to plug in the timestamps. If I forget, can one of you guys so kindly please plug in the timestamps if you listen to the recording in its entirety? And I thank you in advance and I will after. So guys, and I'll pin it. I'll pin it regardless if it's mine or someone else's. I'll pin it. I want to speak in regards to codependency and how the chosen one may not even realize that they are codependent. I want to speak in regards to men do not feel appreciated.

[00:00:54]Ladies, quick disclaimer. If you're new here, I'm so grateful and thankful that you guys are here. I have a lot of new subscribers and I'm so thankful that you guys are here. Quick disclaimer, this is not that channel. This is not that channel where it's me. I don't care what some some other men are doing. Um we don't man bash over here. I love my brothers. I support my brothers. Um I So just please bear with me here because truly this is not about us. I know we don't feel appreciated. I'm the walking billboard of not feeling appreciated a lot of the times cuz I do so much. But please bear with me there. I want to also speak in regards to you are not the problem. They are. Now, this ain't bad either. Don't get it twisted because we got our stuff chosen ones, right? And we going to be uh self-aware here, right?

[00:01:42]But that's stay tuned. [laughter] I want to also speak in regards to why are anxious attachment styles and avoidance constantly attacking each other when most times or not most a lot of the times both stems from trauma. I'm not saying it's limited to trauma but both stems can stem from trauma yet they're constantly attacking each other. And I'm not speaking in regards to within a relationship cuz that's going to happen probably. But I'm speaking more so less of like strangers like they're making avoidance seem so bad.

[00:02:21]But anxious are also like we're both the problem if if that's if you're one of the styles. Like we're both the problem.

[00:02:29]I think secure would kind of be well I won't say the goal because everybody have a different goal but I think like secure should be the goal. But either which way, we'll talk about that, guys.

[00:02:40]This pollen is still on my neck. So, yeah. All right. Let's start really quickly with um my phone went out. Sorry. Let's start really quickly in regards to anxious attachment styles. Um, again, I'm not speaking from a clinical standpoint or anything like that, but a lot of the times we don't even realize that we are the way we are because of trauma that we may or may not even remember and how it can literally stem from some kind of seed. Okay, so I'll throw a few things out there really quickly. Again, this is not from a clinical standpoint. Um, let's just say you've been hurt really badly or you've been rejected.

[00:03:25]This could be in childhood. Maybe you were abandoned by your father, your mother. Uh, maybe your father your mother was a crackhead. Maybe your dad just wasn't there. He could have had kids in the same neighborhood, same school, but he rejected you because maybe you were the outside child. And the list goes on. Maybe you were a foster child. Um maybe you were bullied and and and just rejected in school. Uh many chosen people have dealt with either some kind of rejection in my case being misunderstood. Uh many your cases as well being rejected, being misunderstood, being abandoned, etc. Heartbreak, right?

[00:04:07]So narc abuse. So if we take all of those things that can be um that can cause trauma triggers and trauma responses, right? The the root of it all is still rejection, abandonment, and be being misunderstood. Okay? So that's that's the trauma. That's the trauma.

[00:04:30]It's the root.

[00:04:35]Avoidance will start to avoid sometimes because they get overstimulated and they don't they don't want to risk being rejected again once they open up, once they maybe catch feelings, fall in love.

[00:05:01]So they run, they have a fear of getting close to because the root cause of abandonment and rejection. Well, if my own father abandoned me, if my own mother abandoned me, if the very first crush I had in middle school rejected me in front of everybody, like so that fear is is is and I'm not saying it's right.

[00:05:22]It's is wrong. Both are wrong. So that fear Well, I can't say what's right or wrong. I'm sorry. So that fear have them running from you.

[00:05:34]So they may start off very strong because what when it's very in in the the beginning of things there's like no attachment there. I mean it might be some chemistry if you will right and everybody love chemistry. Chemistry is amazing. So it's that chemistry but then once time starts to go on and now maybe feelings are getting involved like something flares up in them that seed of rejection and abandonment. Oh no no no I can't risk getting hurt again.

[00:06:00]Everyone else have left me. This person will leave me too. I'm more safe if I stay far away and don't let you get too close. I'm more safe if I avoid you.

[00:06:12]Because if I avoid you, I get to limit how much access you have to me, which in turn allows me to be in control about how close you get to me.

[00:06:26]And a lot of the times you don't even realize that you're doing it and it's based on some level of trauma or could be based on some level of trauma. All right. Same root cause, same scenarios that we can plug in here.

[00:06:43]Abandonment, be misunderstood, rejected, this is that and the third.

[00:06:48]Now you have the anxious attachment style who's dealing with the same root cause of the traumas, but rather than run like the avoidant, they smother.

[00:07:05]They overstimulate you or over stimulate the avoidant.

[00:07:12]Why? Because someone rejected them.

[00:07:16]Someone abandoned them.

[00:07:18]someone hurt them.

[00:07:23]So, they're yearning for what they wish they could have gotten from whoever.

[00:07:29]They're yearning for that. So, that trauma wound has never been closed off.

[00:07:33]It never had been sealed unless they got maybe therapy or this that and third um or went through a healing process. It never been closed off.

[00:07:43]So that hole, that hole that they have, they're trying to get it filled. They need to feel safe, right? You feel, or not, you avoidance feels safe when they're far away and no one can kind of get close to them. Well, anxious feels safe when they're around you and they're all up under you. They need to know that you're not going to leave me.

[00:08:12]You're not going to abandon me. So if I stay around you, if I smother you, if I blow your phone up 35,000 times a day, it's going to make you realize how much I love you and how much I need you. So you won't have a minute to get away from me. Because if you have a minute to get away from me, then you're going to leave me like my parents. You're going to leave me like this. You're going to fall in love with somebody else and never return.

[00:08:39]So you see the point here. It's it's still cord at the root of trauma if that's the case.

[00:08:48]But they're both just responding to the trauma differently. Yet they want to like fight each other. Like have you ever been like in a comment section where where is is avoidant in anxious attachment styles? Like they're both in the comment section. It's like avoidance are going to hell. They they play with people feelings and they don't realize that they're hurting people and they're crazy and they're this and this and they're narcissistic and they're this and that and the third. Right? Now granted granted valid opinions but it's also deflection because even if they need to do better, what about you? Because it's not normal.

[00:09:33]It's not normal to smother, to chase, to overstimulate and and and and lose your mind and so much fear of abandonment that if a person don't answer their phone or respond to you within an hour, you're you're you're freaking out like they're going to leave me, so let me just pop up to their home.

[00:09:54]I'm not saying that's what you do or what someone else is doing. I'm trying to make a point here. Just ride with me.

[00:09:58]I'm trying to hit it from different perspectives. That's not normal either.

[00:10:07]Now the proper thing to do is for one take accountability, self-awareness.

[00:10:16]>> Okay, first of all, I should feel whole within myself that even if a person was to walk away or leave, listen dude or [laughter] or sis, listen dude, that's your loss because I know what I bring. I know what I carry. I know I'm rare.

[00:10:34]And if I'm in your life, you ain't going to leave. I'm just going to keep it real, right? I'm just saying you get cut off between Ky. This is so not about you. Um, so, so accountability here, right?

[00:10:52]Avoidance, self-awareness, and accountability. Okay, it's not normal, right? Yes, I don't want to be over stimulated, but it's not normal to like be all up on a person for one week and then ghost them for two weeks. That's that's not normal. You can we can make all the excuses we want.

[00:11:10]That's not normal. So, it's accountability and then it's communication. It is. So, I think if the avoidance have a true conversation, well, both, but if the avoidance let the anxious attachment style know like listen, this is not about you. It's not that I don't like you. Now, if you keep stressing me out with over stimulating me and stalking me, then yeah, you're going to turn me off. I'm just going to be Now, personally me, personally me, I don't I can't deal with avoidance or or people who are like very clingy. I I just I don't know if First of all, I'm just too busy and I got too much stuff going on and then I live in my head with a lot of stuff. Um I like more of the secure attachment. Um or even some avoidants who know how to properly communicate.

[00:11:57]So I don't think the goal is to try to change people because I mean that would be great but listen at some point you just got to accept the fact that people are going to be who they are and you can't change them. You can you can spend your life trying to make an avoidant be anxious attachment or make anxious attachment be avoidant or more secure.

[00:12:15]People can only do what they want to do.

[00:12:21]Proper communication. It's not about you but I need some time because this that and the third. I got a lot going on today. Um, I just want you to know that, you know, I'm busy, but it has nothing to do with you, right? If the avoidant can take that and seal it because it's properly communicated, then it's a win.

[00:12:39]But what do the avoidant do sometimes?

[00:12:42]I said that I will call you at 1 after I finish all this crazy chaos. It's 101 and I didn't call you.

[00:12:52][laughter] Now you're blowing my phone up, honey.

[00:12:57]You're popping up. What did I do? This Oh my god. It has nothing to do with you, boo.

[00:13:05]But it's properly communicated. If the tank if the anxious the uh uh uh anxious attachment style can articulate properly to the avoidant, I feel abandoned. I feel like you don't like me. I feel like you're going to leave me. Right? Can you please just help me to feel secure by giving me certain words of affirmation, etc. It's a win.

[00:13:32]But why are they attacking each other?

[00:13:34]Why do they hate each other so much, right? So, I just wanted to give my input on that, right? Because I saw a post and they I mean, they really anxious attachments. I mean they hate avoidance and I get it because for one you're you're you're further traumatizing them because if they're already anxious attachment then somebody have already abandoned them someone has already hurt them and here you are like you're abandoning them is not intentional that you're doing it but you're further traumatizing them.

[00:14:09]So just help them out and let them know.

[00:14:11]And then when they if they don't get it and and they just keep on then then you got to just have that tough conversation.

[00:14:17]But I feel like we keep ret-raumatizing each other.

[00:14:21]Communication is the key.

[00:14:23]So guys, I want to speak next in regards to men don't feel appreciated.

[00:14:35]Um, so I saw a post on Tik Tok a couple of days ago, last week sometime in regards to it was supposed to be a safe place for men.

[00:14:47]Why in the world? Every time it's a it's a comment section and it states that it's specifically for men. Why are women all up and down in the comment section?

[00:14:58]And I can hear women now. Men do it, too. I've seen that. I I have seen that, but I think I've seen more of the women being in the main comment section. So, someone a man posted a post and it said something in regards to [clears throat] excuse me, something in regards to men.

[00:15:15]How are you feeling? How are you doing now? This is a safe place. Um, we know many times you don't want to go to therapy, but this is a safe place. Just be honest, real and transparent about how you are feeling. How are you doing?

[00:15:31]Anything you want to vent about?

[00:15:35]Well, you already know women have the answers for everything.

[00:15:40]Now, I'm going to be honest and transparent, right? As a person whose grace to pour in to people have been all my life, men and women, especially men, I just have a gracing for it. It's very, very difficult. Oh my goodness. It is very very difficult when you feel like you have the words to pour into. You want to uplift. You want to support. You want to say I see you. I hear you. But the Holy Spirit is saying no. Because that ain't what this sometimes people just want to be heard.

[00:16:15]Excuse me. Unless they [cough] Excuse me, guys. Unless they ask for right. If you ask for mentorship, then you it's iron sharpening iron. It is what it is. But sometimes people want just to be heard. And that's what this forum was. And do you know I sat there and I can't I It may have been two hours honey. I don't even know. I got lost in the sauce.

[00:16:44]99.5 of the comments, and there were thousands, were men who all spoke about not feeling appreciated. And my goodness, sisters, I can hear you now. I get it. I am the walking billboard of not feeling appreciated because I do so much, right?

[00:17:08]This ain't that's not what this is, right? Let's let's just go ahead and get that out. I get it. I'm a woman. I know, right?

[00:17:18]But the comments look like I worked my finger to the bones. Matter of fact, I turned over my whole paycheck and I'm still not appreciated. I'm not even told thank you. Like, no one sees me. The comments look like um every weekend my wife plans a family day, but she leaves me out. like they go to the movies, they go to dinner, and I'm just home watching TV. Uh the comments look like everyone comes to me, my children, my wife, even her family, everyone comes to me when they're in need, let it be finances, this, this, that, and third, Mr. Fix It. But yet, I have nobody to go to, right? I I don't have anybody to turn to, but everybody turns to me.

[00:18:15]Um, the comments look like there were a ton of comments, but the point is it all reverted back to not feeling seen, heard, or appreciated.

[00:18:32]Now you had a couple of men maybe I don't know maybe 10% who were like man reading these comments I'm I'm I'm lucky like I'm lucky like my wife is my or my partner is my truly my partner like we make each other so you have that very small percentage as well and then again in addition to you had the women who were and and I I I have to be honest to say that I do agree with a lot of the things the women were saying but it just wasn't the time for it Are you communicating how you feel? Because a lot of the times we hear men say, "Well, well, women, we can't read your mind."

[00:19:07]And it's the same thing for us. But I do think we we have a better discerning level, but we still need to communicate.

[00:19:15]But but either which way, that's a different topic for a different day.

[00:19:20][cough] [clears throat] Excuse me. I say all that to say, my brothers, you are men, not machines. And I know some of you guys were raised to believe that if you speak or if you communicate how you feel, it makes you feminine or whatever else they say. I think it's insane that people even like raise little boys to believe that. Um, but I want you to know that you are seen and you are heard. I hear you. I'm not perfect. I'm a whole woman up over here, right? So, I've gotten it wrong a lot. The whole point here is like I'm trying every day to really try to like learn. I think men and women can learn a lot from each other if they just really sit and listen without trying to fix or without trying to blame. But truly just listen, right? And then intentionally apply actions to do better. But that will require people to listen.

[00:20:17]>> [laughter] >> you are seen and you are heard. But truly that that really doesn't matter sometimes a lot of the times if it's not coming from the person who you love or who you are assisting, pouring to, taking care of.

[00:20:41]So I I can say all day long you're seen and you heard. But truly how much would it matter, right? You want to hear it from the person you're doing it from.

[00:20:50]But I must also in addition to no letting you know that I hear you, I see, and I understand, communication is key because sometimes as women, we we move fast, right? And that's something we need to work on. But we move fast. And sometimes we don't even realize that we're doing something. Oh, another comment. One of the guys that I was trying to think of the other comment earlier. one of the other guys and I've done this before and a lot of women including myself I didn't comment but a lot of women were saying you know what I'm I'm going to go and hug my husband because my husband is a great provider like he's faithful he's this that and the third like and I don't I never even knew men were feeling like this like I'm going to go hug my husband I'm going to let him know he's appreciating I'm going to go cook him a homecooked meal like I'm going Right? So, a lot of the times we don't even realize it, but we don't know it because you're not communicating it if you're not. Right?

[00:21:48]Some some guys are great communicators.

[00:21:53]When we as women don't feel appreciated, like we're yelling it to the stars. We make it known, right? Where men are holding it in. And I think it's very important for a woman, especially if this is a man that you care for or love.

[00:22:05]I think it's very important to discern when something is off. Even because you know sometimes with men they have this this this thing where you can you you know something's off and then you try to really pull from them and then they say it's nothing. I'm I'm good. I'm good.

[00:22:20]But something in your spirit knows he's not good. Now we got to find that balance where we're not trying to like pull from them when they're really seriously need like a minute. But then when you know something is really, really, really off, you just don't go about your way and go shopping and just not even consider. None of this is a person you care about.

[00:22:41]Communication is key.

[00:22:48]But I just want to say a lot of men don't feel appreciated.

[00:22:53]Sisters, again, it ain't about us, right? We can make a recording about us. So if you have great men in your life um in whatever way purpose calling um try to pour into them, appreciate them more.

[00:23:13]And you know one thing I learned about men sometimes with them the appreciation is just thank you and and not and not pulling from them when you already see depletion. meaning you already know he's he's paying all the bills and and and you already know is is in your household. So you already know some things may be lacking this month because maybe business is not good or this that and third and then here you go on a shopping spree like who does that? a lot of women. But I listen, if you saw the if you saw my recording when I went out the other night to dinner and the guy came and paid the bill and I'm just like, "Sir, please just please reconsider because this bill is no joke." Right? I'm just not that chick.

[00:23:57]Never have been that chick. And I'm saying that on a public platform. Never been that chick. But some chicks are very, very inconsiderate. So I've learned that a lot of times with men, they thank you. and just acknowledging that they're doing a great job. Like just like seriously, you know, I'm just having a flashback. I was talking to Okay, so a couple several years ago, I went through like a very very very very very dark season.

[00:24:28]Yeah, I know you guys are probably thinking, "What? You child? I'm not here to pour into you when I'm having a dark season or tell you about my dark season, right? Um I'm here to help you get out of yours. So, I was out of town.

[00:24:44]Actually, it was Houston. I I I went to Houston.

[00:24:48]I just need to get away. And I have a a friend who lived there. And when I tell you this guy, truly, we're just friends, great friends. But he knew I was in a dark seat. He knew what I was going through. And when I tell you he tried everything, you know, I'm going to tie this in actually with you're not the problem, they're the problem. I'm gonna tie that in. Um, sorry guys, my phone keeps going out.

[00:25:21]Um, he tried everything in his power to make me feel better, right? He would take me out to dinner cuz he's like, "Kissy, I know you and you're too bubbly. You're too happy.

[00:25:41]You're too kind. I don't like to see you like this." Right now, mind you, it's the darkest, one of the darkest season of my life.

[00:25:50]So, he's taking me to dinner. He's buying me things. He know I love champagne. So, he's coming with all these beautiful champagne glasses and gifts for the dog and this that and the third and yeah.

[00:26:04]And granted, right, I'm a very kind, grateful person. So, I've always acknowledged, thank you, this, that, and the third. But what I also realized is that a lot of the stuff I was rejecting, not rejecting him, but you know, cuz I I had been there for like a couple of weeks. I was like, you know, I don't I honestly I don't feel like dinner tonight. I'm just I'm just not in that space for dinner tonight. He's like, "Well, yeah, but you you I'm sure you would like a glass of champagne."

[00:26:29][laughter] And I'm like, "No, I really don't."

[00:26:31]Right. So, I had this epiphany after speaking with him a couple of weeks ago. Now, mind you, I forgot about it, right? That was a a few years ago. But then I thought about it and I said, you know, I just want to acknowledge something because back when this, this, this, this, that, and the third, I know you were trying.

[00:26:53]Even though I was rejecting and I didn't want this, I don't want to go here. I just want to acknowledge that I know you were trying, but truly there was nothing you could do, nothing you could do to make me happy. And he was like, "Wow."

[00:27:12]Like, first, thank you for acknowledging that cuz I did feel rejected, right? I did feel. And we got to understand that a lot of the times it's not that a person is rejecting you, but with some things, you just got to get through it, right, on your own or between you and God or this, that, and the third. And but I think it's important to communicate that, right? But sometimes we're not even in a space to communicate it because you're just trying to survive. You're just trying to keep your head above water. You're just trying to like ride. But the person themselves feel rejected.

[00:27:47]So it amazed me on just how that acknowledgment like just really uplifted him. And I'm just like, "Wow." But I mean, I said thank you when I when I when you did it or whatever. He was like, "Yeah, but that thank you ain't like [laughter] but I just wanted him to know that truly truly I appreciated him because listen, sometimes it can be people closest to you who know what you're going through and honey, they're still pulling from you.

[00:28:19]So acknowledge with gratitude when you got um men of of any sort, ladies, who are truly truly trying and just say thank you.

[00:28:35]Next guys, I want to speak in regards to, you know, let's go back really quickly to um you're not the problem, even though that is tied in with that.

[00:28:44]Um, many times we keep deflecting and blaming other people without self-awareness.

[00:29:11]Right? And when we do that, you know, I'm trying to think if I want to tie this in with codependency.

[00:29:19]Actually, I do want to tie in with codependency.

[00:29:24]Yeah, let's tie that in with codependency. So guys, many chosen people are codependent and they don't even realize it. And the definition of codependency is um an emotional and behavior pattern where one person who is the giver sacrifices their own pattern or personal needs in order to make someone else happy or control the person. Now mind you control the person may not even be intentional. It could be a trauma response.

[00:30:00]Sorry guys, I'm trying to uh plug in these timestamps. [laughter] Um it it may not even be like now you got those people who will try to do something like they do things for you, a lot of things for you with intentions of controlling you. Like if I do this then I got that leverage over you. Listen, I Okay. And then you got other people who are doing it not intentionally, but they're doing it based on if I do this for you, if I overperform, if I do this, this that and the third, then you won't leave me because I'm I'm too good to you, I do too much for you, and you don't even realize that you're you're really the problem right here, right?

[00:30:40]That that's that's codependency because you're overperforming, right? You're you're you're sacrificing your own needs, your own desire, your people pleasing on steroids because the fear of a person will abandon you or leave you.

[00:31:06]So many chosen people have a codependency uh mindset and don't even realize it because again many chosen people have been abandoned um rejected misunderstood hurt narc abuse and the list goes on. So because that trauma response can flare up if not intentionally recognized.

[00:31:28]You do overperform. You do people please. You do forget about yourself and put everybody in front of you. That's not normal.

[00:31:37]So we have to be intentional. See, we can also get the twist of it because we are typically servers. That's why we're here. Chosen people are here to really pour into, serve, love on, support this, this, that, and the third. But that line can really get blurred. So we be overperforming, letting all kind of people in your life to use you this, that, and the third. And then we want to say, "Oh, but we're serving in the name of Jesus." No, we're not here to people please. We are here to purpose please. Now granted, yes, we we got to help. We got to serve.

[00:32:10]But that stuff got to be led by the Holy Spirit because our little beautiful big hearts and pure spirits of a chosen one. If that stuff is not like if we don't have that stuff like structure because we went through a healing process and we're not using discernment wisely to recognize when a person is being greedy, when a person is being ungrateful, when a person is trying to use and abuse, if you don't use your discern, and you may even miss it at first. You may miss it at first, but the Holy Spirit will convict you.

[00:32:51]So when you're moving out here and you're making everybody else, I mean, everybody's good. Everybody's good. Your man, the kids or your wife and the kids, the church members, the neighborhood, um your the people in your job. I mean, you take care of everybody else there.

[00:33:08]Everybody else's kids, all your friends kids. Honey, you are sacrificing anything you want to do, including your mental health just to please someone else. You don't realize that people needing you is usery. Instead, you see it as someone needs me. I feel needed so I'm all happy and fulfilled because someone needs me. I must be important. No, they're using you. Tell them no one time.

[00:33:40]Tell them no one time because people who are in your life for the right reason, you can tell them no and they're still there. I told my best best best best best friend no about something like I don't know two months ago and she called me the same day. Hey girl, right? Like start telling people no.

[00:34:02]In this season, God is really, really, really, really pressing the chosen ones to heal. Because healing, once you heal, everything else will fall into place.

[00:34:11]Because once you heal, honey, like you don't even you attract at a different level.

[00:34:23]So again, many chosen people are codependents and they don't even realize it. Again, at the end of the day, there's nothing wrong. That's just some people's personality to just like to help. I'm one of those people. But again, we're not speaking about that.

[00:34:35]We're speaking about when you are sacrificing yourself. I mean, sacrificing yourself. Everybody else is good, but you're not good, including your mental health. You guys have a great one. It's your girl cuz you