The Worst Mistake to Avoid in Heartbreak (Day 3)

[00:00:00]Well, hello again.

[00:00:03]Day three of five days to mend. Uh, how are we all today? So good to see you. So good to see these names I'm getting used to now. Denise, um, Diane, Manisha, so lovely to see you all here.

[00:00:22]Um, let's check in with ourselves for a moment. How are you feeling? How are you doing on day three? Uh, compared to day one, I had a very interesting exchange with someone from this community last night and this morning. I've been over the course of the last couple of days, I've been talking privately with a couple of you in the DMs just to really get a sense of what's going on in the room, how people are feeling. And I had a really interesting exchange this morning that I want to read to you. I won't give any identifying details to protect that person's privacy, but um lots of fit people feeling a lot better.

[00:01:02]Someone saying I can sleep. That's actually been a really common comment from people in the last couple of days is I I have slept better, which is just absolutely beautiful. Um I want to do a quick recap before we go any further um on a couple of key concepts.

[00:01:24]Uh, actually before we do, let me just read a couple of comments from you guys that have been sent into the Love Life community. Um, for those of you who aren't in the Love Life community yet, mendweek.com is how you register to get in there, uh, and into that free space that we created this week for the community. Um, Zara says, uh, thank you for this space and to everyone who's been sharing. It's been healing to see my pain isn't unique. Irma said, "I got the rug pulled out from under me last Thursday. Then I found Matthew in this series. How perfect of a timing is that?

[00:01:58]I'm still processing what happened because I thought things were progressing well, but I'm in a better spot today than last week for sure." Uh Evan says, "I cried more times in a row today," referring to yesterday, than I have in the last month. A lot of what was said hit me like a truck. It was painful, but it felt kind of good to break down again and to come out feeling a little better. Thank you to Matthew and the team and everyone else who shared. Uh Laura said, "The past two days have been more helpful than the psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists I have seen over the past year and a half." This is incredible, guys. Um thank you so much and and thank you again for being here. Thank you for having the consistency and to invest in yourself every day this week. For those of you who have been to every session, by the way, whether you made it live or you've been watching the recordings, it's amazing that you're here and you're investing in yourself in this way.

[00:02:54]Remember, as a recap, what gets us through heartbreak, this is kind of, it sounds oversimplified, but there's really something to this is 100 great conversations.

[00:03:06]100 great conversations. And we've had a few of those this week, so we're on our way. Every great conversation, every highfrequency conversation, every conversation that helps you process it the right way versus the wrong way is moving you forward, is getting you closer to being over this person, this situation, to feeling like yourself again. We need a great community because if we don't have a great community, we can't have those great conversations.

[00:03:35]Unfortunately, for many of us, we have certain people in our lives who it's not helpful to talk to. Have you got anyone like that who you speak to them and you somehow come away feeling worse? They don't know how to help you process it the right way. They make little comments that by the end of the conversation make you feel more insecure or make you feel more offbalance, make you miss this person even more. Or you're around certain friends that keep bringing up details of the relationship to you. or maybe they'll bring something up they see on social media that doesn't help you to know and you're like why did you I remember being in a breakup where I had friends of mine people who loved me who were bringing up things about this person and what they saw them being up to and I was like why why are you telling me I don't want to know this why you're not helping me you just made me feel 10 times worse so we need a great community in order to have those great conversations Okay, 100 great conversations.

[00:04:34]We also need to stay connected to our truths, right? What we're finding the in over the course of mend week, what will happen is you'll get connected to deeper truths. Deeper truths about your value, deeper truths about the beauty that's still ahead in your future, deeper truths about the a more accurate telling of the story. You get connected to those truths. And when you get connected to those truths, you feel a degree of peace. It's like you exhale when you connect to the truth.

[00:05:03]But we need to stay connected to those truths. We can't just hit, like I said, epiphies on their own don't last. What we need is epiphies repeated over and over again. The way we get over heartbreak is massive amounts of repetition. Write that down. Massive amounts of repetition.

[00:05:27]Now, I want to tell you about an exchange I had. Um, I'll read it to you because it really it it it perfectly framed up today.

[00:05:38]This person messaged me and said, "Day two was absolutely what I needed." I have to admit, I felt worse after the first day. I beat myself up seeing all of the positive comments and myself feeling so deep and low in a dark black hole. But today, referring to yesterday, day two, I saw the light from that dark black hole. I am so excited for tomorrow and also very nervous. So, she was referring to day three and said, "I'm excited, but also very nervous." Now, I instinctively knew what she meant, but I wanted to press her on it. So, I said, "It makes me so happy to hear that. I'll see you tomorrow. I wanted to ask, what in particular do you feel nervous about?" Here's what she said. She said, "You you mentioned you were going to explain why we sometimes almost choose not to let go and why we hold on to hope even when we know it's over. I want to hear it, but I'm also nervous. I think I'm scared because hearing it will make the breakup feel truly final. Isn't that honest? Such a painfully honest truth and so vulnerable. Even though I know logically that it's over, there's still a small part of me holding on to hope.

[00:07:01]Letting go of that hope means accepting that it's really over. And I think I'm afraid that once I do, I'll have to fully feel the pain instead of keeping it just far enough away to manage.

[00:07:15]Who relates to what this person is saying?

[00:07:24]Even Audrey is raising her hand over there and saying, "Oh my god, that's so real." Yeah.

[00:07:32]Let me tell you a key theme of today.

[00:07:37]Because today is about the best and the worst things we can do in a breakup. Day three, five days to mend. I told you this was going to be a story, didn't I?

[00:07:46]You can't miss a day of this because this is designed to be a sequence. This isn't random. I'm not just going live with you guys. This is a plan.

[00:07:55]A big theme of today is that getting over someone is a decision.

[00:08:02]And that was why this lovely human being was nervous is nervous about today because she intuitively knew today is going to be about making a decision.

[00:08:13]My question is are you making that decision?

[00:08:18]As my friend Guy Winch, the psychotherapist says, wishing to move on is not the same as resolving to move on.

[00:08:31]Wishing to move on is not the same as resolving to move on.

[00:08:39]Today we have to decide if we are resolved in our decision to move on.

[00:08:47]Who is ready to make that decision to move on? Today, leave me a comment right now if you're ready to make that decision to move on.

[00:08:59]I want to play you something. You may have seen this. It's only a 60 seconds or so, but I want to play you something because as we're thinking about resolving to move on, I want to give you a reason to. So, let's roll this clip.

[00:09:12]This was actually a a moment from a an event I did in Dallas years ago.

[00:09:19]I was 2019 and a man stood up and he said something that really surprised the audience because it came from a man and they didn't expect this this you know tough looking guy to stand up and say what he said but here's what he said and I have a surprise for you about this one. So watch this.

[00:09:39]>> My ex moved on fast. How do I change my perspective on letting stuff go? Because that's what I need to do. I need to let stuff go or I'm going to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

[00:09:50]>> Part of the pain is you continuing to convince yourself that this must on some level have been the right person and that your right person is now with someone else. Now, I don't believe that.

[00:10:03]I believe that the right person can only be the right person when it's two people choosing each other. Then there's the ego. The ego element of someone chose someone else. Why not me? What did that person have? Why wasn't I good enough?

[00:10:18]And now we take the baggage of that forward. So, there's the ego element.

[00:10:23]Kill your ego. Kill that [ __ ] That guy has to die. So, a bigger me comes back, right? And then there's the mourning cuz you think you've lost the person you're supposed to be with. I can promise you, you haven't. Because unless someone chooses you, they ain't the person you're supposed to be with. You could be disappointed.

[00:10:43]You can be disappointed she wasn't the person, but you can't grieve like she was the person cuz she's not.

[00:10:49]Disappointment takes a minute to get over, too. But it's much easier to get over than true grieving of I've lost the love of my life. You didn't lose that.

[00:10:59]That's still to come. Something better is coming for you. I promise you, my brother. I promise. Okay.

[00:11:08]So, we posted this clip in the last 24 hours or so, and we happened to post it on Instagram and Tik Tok.

[00:11:20]It turns out Roy was watching that man in that clip, Roy was watching. He saw himself appear on my Tik Tok account.

[00:11:33]And Roy left a little comment.

[00:11:39]Look at this.

[00:11:52]Everyone when they saw this clip wanted to know what happened to Roy. Someone even commented, this woman Barl commented and said, "Please tell me Roy met someone wonderful." And there is a comment underneath from Roy that says, "I did."

[00:12:13]My friends, there is a gift for letting go. We think letting go is simply about pain. It's simply about saying goodbye to something.

[00:12:26]Letting go is also making it possible to receive something better.

[00:12:33]Just like Roy.

[00:12:36]Now many of us we don't want to accept the situation we're in. One of my favorite quotes is actually from Echart Tol who says acceptance of the unacceptable and heartbreak is unacceptable isn't it? is unacceptably painful. Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in the world. Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in the world. I know that a huge part of being heartbroken is wishing that the pain would go away.

[00:13:19]But we have to accept that it's going to be there right now. And there is actually a peace to be found in accepting that that pain is there right now.

[00:13:30]And I will somehow survive this. It may feel like I'm dying, but I am not dying.

[00:13:37]It will be okay. I will be okay. My job right now is to sit with the unacceptable. To accept the unacceptable.

[00:13:48]There's a lot of relief in telling ourselves it's just pain.

[00:13:53]It's just pain.

[00:13:57]Tell yourself right now, it's just pain.

[00:14:03]There is a beauty in realizing, okay, I can't just push a button and be through all of this.

[00:14:10]But I can make peace with that. There's even a beauty in it. Part of what I'm experiencing is what it is to be a human being. Oh, it's not an it's not a conventionally happy or good experience, but it's an experience.

[00:14:27]Tell yourself right now, I'm having an experience.

[00:14:31]This is one of the worst times in my life, but my god, am I having an experience.

[00:14:42]And let me tell you another thing about moving on because some of you, I've been reading the comments. I can see the comments in front of me. Some of you are like, "I don't know how to move on. I just don't know if I'm ready to move on from them. I don't know if I can." You guys, I saw someone say, "You're all so brave." I think it was Elena said, "I'm You're so brave. I I don't feel like I'm ready to let go at all."

[00:15:02]I want to tell you something. Truly letting go. Truly letting go and moving on as if it's your job also happens to be the most attractive thing you can possibly show your ex. For those of you who are worried you're going to lose your ex, let me tell you something, and this is a poor reason to do this work, but if you need a reason to do this work that's connected to your ex, let me tell you, genuinely moving on is the greatest hope you have of your ex realizing what an idiot they've been.

[00:15:43]Here's the catch, though.

[00:15:46]That's not something that can be faked.

[00:15:48]You can't fake move on.

[00:15:51]You have to actually do it.

[00:15:55]And the second catch with that is that if you actually do it and your ex does does come back, there's a very good chance you don't want them anymore.

[00:16:04]But that will be you deciding.

[00:16:08]That will be you choosing, not from a place of fear, but from a place of what's right for you.

[00:16:14]So, if you want to have the best shot at a happy life with or without your ex, the answer is the same. You move forward aggressively.

[00:16:26]You decide to move on. That is the best chance of your ex realizing, I I've made a mistake here. I want you back. The catch for them is that when you genuinely move on, you may not even want it. It may change your whole perception of what you want in your life.

[00:16:50]Okay.

[00:16:53]So, best and worst things to do.

[00:16:58]Let's start by breathing.

[00:17:01]Taking a breath.

[00:17:11]In a breakup, everything everything every instinct in our body wants us to speed up. We have to slow down. We have to slow down at the very moment that everything is telling us to speed up.

[00:17:23]Our anxiety is telling us to speed up.

[00:17:26]Send that text. You're going to lose them. It's only a matter of time before they get with somebody else. It's only a matter of time before you lose them for good. Before they forget about you. We need to do something. We need to do something now. That's anxiety speaking.

[00:17:36]This is not the voice. This is not the voice that we channel in order to handle heartbreak the right way. We slow down at the very time everything is telling us to speed up. We do the completely counterintuitive thing. I want you to remember something. In heartbreak, our instincts often do us more harm than good.

[00:17:59]Our instincts are actually what hurt us.

[00:18:02]Our instinct says fight for them. Our instinct says do whatever we can to hold on. Our instincts is text them even though I shouldn't. I saw someone just the other night say in the community in love life, I sent an email tonight. I know I shouldn't have, but I sent it.

[00:18:15]Now I need to reset. It's okay that that we do these things, but that's an instinct that isn't serving us.

[00:18:24]There are also things that we can do, though counterintuitive, that will expedite our healing. So number one, we breathe. We slow down. We take it one step at a time. Okay, I think of this as taking it 15 minutes at a time if you have to.

[00:18:42]Just putting one foot in front of the other. What do I need to do today?

[00:18:48]What do I need to get done in the next hour? What do I need to do this week?

[00:18:53]Let me take this one thing at a time.

[00:18:55]Let me compartmentalize my life right now. I don't need to worry about the next 10 years and how I'm going to get through this.

[00:19:02]Let me think about what I'm doing right now.

[00:19:08]Now, you can do what you can if you especially if you're coming out of a long marriage or someone's, you know, maybe someone uh avoid uh uh did the avoidant discard on you. They just switched overnight even though you'd been with them a very long time.

[00:19:27]Well, there might be certain things you need to do in order to get closure.

[00:19:30]Maybe you do want to say, "Hey, maybe this person's having a meltdown right now. I shouldn't take too seriously. Let me see what's going on here. For my own peace of mind, I need to say to this person, shall we do therapy together? Like, should we do what we can? Now, I'm not saying that's going to work. I'm not saying it's even the right course. I'm suggesting that if you need to do something to get closure, you can do that thing. If you feel you need to write them a letter and say, "I think this is a giant mistake," you can write that letter. do the thing you feel you need to do for you to make it work, but that has to live alongside doing the things that are going to move you forward. And once we've taken an action, once we've written that letter or made that call, at that point we say, "I've done the thing, the thing that was playing on my mind. I did it. I I offered to work this out. Now I can't sit there and go, but I never offered to try and figure it out with it. I did the thing. I'm not saying that's relevant to every situation. There are some situations you definitely shouldn't be trying to work it out. But we have to pay respect to the fact that there are many people here whose breakup is not with someone they met 3 weeks ago. It's someone they've shared a life with.

[00:20:48]That the whole snap your fingers and walk away stuff doesn't quite apply when you've spent a lifetime with somebody. it. By the way, it should in some cases when you've been with a malignant narcissist for all these years in a perfect world, you would snap your fingers and just walk away. But sometimes we have to take an action to get some closure. But closure that way is not at odds with also moving on.

[00:21:19]And we take it one hour at a time. Okay, they didn't respond to that letter. They don't want to do therapy. They're not interested in moving forward in any kind of a way. Okay, what's the next thing?

[00:21:28]Okay. Well, now I need to think about where I'm going to live. Well, now I need to get our house valued. Now I need to uh uh, you know, tell work that I need some time because I'm not in a great spot. What's the next right thing?

[00:21:40]As uh is it Anna or Elsa says in Frozen?

[00:21:44]One of them. I think it's Anna. Um, you do the next right thing. Okay. You ha.

[00:21:51]But no matter what, we have to keep moving forward.

[00:21:56]The next thing we have to do is create space for our mind to heal. Okay, I hope you're making notes today because there's a lot to make notes on today. We have to make create space for our mind to heal.

[00:22:08]Now, we talk here in my coaching practice about the athlete recovery method in breakups, not the hangover recovery method, which is where we do all of the wrong things to get over someone. The athlete recovery method.

[00:22:24]And step one of the athlete recovery method is we stop reinjuring the wound.

[00:22:29]We stop reinjuring the wound.

[00:22:34]What does that mean? Well, firstly it means we have to stop the urge or rather we have to stop indulging the urge. We can't always stop an urge but we cannot indulge an urge to look up an ex to follow them to see what they're up to. Okay, this is not harmless.

[00:22:56]Even by the way, for those of you who are like, I've been trying to get over someone for years, because we have different types of people here. We have people who are going through a fresh heartbreak. We have people who are stuck in what I call chronic heartbreak, where the heartbreak was many years ago. The person they lost was many years ago, and they still haven't moved on. When we look up an ex from many years ago, it can reactivate our addiction.

[00:23:20]So, we can't see that as harmless. We can't see that as just casual. I'm just checking in to see what they're up to.

[00:23:27]That can reactivate all of those feelings from before.

[00:23:33]So, we have to limit our contact. We have to either go no contact or there are plenty of cases where no contact is not possible because there's either finances involved, businesses involved, children involved, uh things to untangle. We limit our contact contact to the barest minimum and we suspect ourselves anytime we're trying to find excuses to be in touch with that person.

[00:23:57]We have to remove the associations with that person. That means on one hand you can do a purge in your house of anything that reminds you of that person. If you haven't done that already, it is time friends.

[00:24:11]What needs to go? What reminders of them linger in your house, in your bedroom, in your bathroom. What needs to go?

[00:24:22]Their name on your phone. Change it.

[00:24:26]Change it right now. Their name might be set to their real name. It might be set to a nickname you had while you were together. Something cute. Go into your Let's do this together right now. Open up your phone.

[00:24:40]Open up your phone right now while we're together.

[00:24:44]Pull out their name in your contact list.

[00:24:50]I want you to delete their name. You don't have to delete their number if you don't want because sometimes you want to know if that person's calling, right? You want to know what who to ignore. But I want you to pull out their name and I want you to change their name. Here's what you're going to change it to.

[00:25:10]Done.

[00:25:13]Done. D O N E. Change their name to done. So that now when their name pops up, you don't get this Pavlovian response to seeing their name and the letters on a screen. Instead, it reminds you it's a it's a new trigger. Okay. Done.

[00:25:34]Right. And by the way, L says, and I get it. You said it's parasite in mind, but parasite's kind of emotive, right?

[00:25:43]Parasite is like very charged. It gives them a lot of power. Done. It's like whatever. I'm done. Done.

[00:25:54]Done. There's no huge emotion associated with you. Not parasite.

[00:26:00]Done.

[00:26:02]Done. Okay.

[00:26:06]And by the way, on social media, this isn't isn't just about removing them or blocking them or muting them. It's also about certain mutual connections you have deciding, I'm not going to I'm going to remove them. And people say, I couldn't remove them. That would be offensive to them. If they're your actual friends, you probably have their number. And if you have their number, you can text them and say, "Hey, I unfollowed you. It's not because I don't want to be friends. I actually do want to be friends. I just because you're still connected to my ex, it's still bringing up things for me. So, um I only unfollowed you for that reason, but I'd love to hang out still. I'd love to see you sometime.

[00:26:47]You know, can we see each other this weekend?

[00:26:49]And when you're with those friends, tell those friends, please don't talk about my ex.

[00:26:55]I know that you may feel it's helpful to me. I don't need to know I don't need to know what they're up to. I don't need to know who they're seeing. I don't need to know anything. Let's talk about anything else in the world. Okay? Okay, I need you to help me protect my energy. We have to start taking this seriously, friends. We have to start being aggressive about creating this space that our brain needs to heal.

[00:27:15]Okay. So, step one, stop reinjuring the wound. Create that space. Step two, we have to now in the athlete recovery method, we have to train every other part of our body. Right? That's what my jiu-jitsu instructor said to me. I said to him, I'm I'm I was going through heartbreak and I said, I'm struggling so much. Have you got any advice for me?

[00:27:35]And he said, you do what we do here in jiu-jitsu. If you try if you hurt something, you train every other part of your body. That injured muscle, you don't want to aggravate it right now.

[00:27:45]That's why we stop reinjuring it, but we train every other part of our body. So that's what we do. We may not be able to race through every stage of grief, but we can avoid doing things that prolong it, things that make it worse. So, we don't have time to obviously I could do a whole event on each one of these things individually, but do you have a meditation practice? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you moving, exercising? Create movement, energy in your body.

[00:28:15]Don't let this situation paralyze you.

[00:28:18]It wants us to be small. It wants us to to get frozen in our bodies. Create movement. Create energy in your body.

[00:28:25]This energy inside of us right now, it needs to move. It needs to be dissipated where we can where we can muster the strength. Let's get out and connect with people. This community that we have right here, let's connect with each other. Let's keep doing it. It's creating that flow of energy so it doesn't get stuck and locked into our bodies. If we have hobbies or sports we want to try, not going to alcohol, not taking drugs.

[00:28:53]This is so obvious. Who needs to say it, right? But we need to hear it.

[00:28:59]Spending time with people who are actually mutually loving, people we care about, friends who make us feel happy, family members who make us happy, getting out to a restaurant or two, doing things you're interested in, drinking enough water, getting your 10,000 steps, not staying up till 4:00 a.m., doom scrolling Instagram.

[00:29:21]Maybe delete [ __ ] Instagram, right? I've gone through periods of my life where I just I don't I don't just block a person. I delete the whole [ __ ] platform.

[00:29:32]So, I'm like, I don't need this.

[00:29:35]I don't need this. Now, none of these things on their own are just going to change the game overnight. But what they do is they give us miniature state changes.

[00:29:43]If right now our pain is a nine or a 10, any one of these things I've mentioned can take us to an eight.

[00:29:51]And an eight isn't great. An eight on the pain scale is still pain.

[00:29:56]But when we're at an eight, different things happen. At an eight, I might get out of the house. At an eight, I might have the energy to see a friend. Not be a great version of myself, but see a friend. At an eight, I might just get myself to the gym.

[00:30:13]Right? And break it down to smaller goals. If you have to do one class this week, don't I'm going to work out every day of the week. [ __ ] Maybe you won't. If you've not done it for the last 3 months, you're not going to do it five times a week right now. But one class, fine. Then let's build on that.

[00:30:29]Have a bad week, but try not to have a second bad week.

[00:30:35]Okay? We're going to have to go through this, guys. We are in pain town. We are going to have to go through this.

[00:30:42]There's no way out but through. But these things are going to make it easier to get through, right? It's like we're going to have a headache anyway. We have a headache. We're going to have a headache. Can't just get rid of the headache. So, what are we going to do?

[00:30:55]Are we going to take it easy, be kind to ourselves, drink lots of water, maybe take a couple of Advil, do something to actually help make it better, or are we going to take a hammer to our head?

[00:31:05]Can't get rid of the headache, but you can choose not to make it worse, and you might be able to improve the symptoms a little. Okay.

[00:31:13]So step two of the athlete recovery method, we train every other part of our body. Our heart may be offline right now. It may be injured, but we train every other part of our body so that when our heart comes back online, the rest of our life, our mind, our body is ready to go.

[00:31:32]Next, I want you to write this down.

[00:31:33]Keep a truth file on your phone. Keep a truth file on your phone. Anytime you hear something that makes you feel strong again, how how many people by being part of this in the last 3 days have heard something that made you feel strong again. It made you feel like I feel a little bit more like me right now or I feel a little bit more at peace right now. For the first time in the last two weeks or in the last month or in the last six months, I actually feel some daylight. I actually feel some peace. How many people have felt that?

[00:32:05]Monica, Claire, Nancy, Penny. So, here's what we do.

[00:32:11]When something gives us that feeling, we don't just move on past it. Winston Churchill said, "Men occasionally stumble over the truth." But most pick themselves up and carry on as if nothing happened.

[00:32:23]Well, when we stumble over a truth, we don't just keep going. We pause and we say, "What just happened?"

[00:32:30]What was the thought process? What did Matthew just say that made me feel better?

[00:32:34]Where am I right now? Oh, I'm in this group of people. We're all going through it together. I feel like I'm part of something. I feel like I've got this place every day I go to get strong. It's working. When something works, take out your phone, start a file in your phone that says truth at the be at the top.

[00:32:52]And every time you get a truth about something that's working for you, write it down. This is working. That line worked. That thing Matt said worked.

[00:32:59]That little process worked. Showing up here every day, that's working. Write it down. Don't just stumble over it and carry on.

[00:33:07]Okay? And when your truths are there, you get that repetition cuz anytime what you realize is you can actually manipulate your own emotions. It's not just this person or life or the heartbreak that's manipulating your mo your emotions. You have the power to manipulate your own emotions. How cool is that?

[00:33:26]And when you find a truth that works, when you find something that works, you lean into it. double down on that thing.

[00:33:37]I I have a whole concept I haven't got time for today or this week called emotional buttons. For those of you who join me in Miami for my retreat this year, I'm going to be doing a whole section on that. It is a gamecher. It's something I love. I've been teaching it for years and it's something I use every single day. It connects to this idea I'm talking about, but it goes much deeper on it.

[00:33:56]Okay. So, keep a truth file on your phone. Everyone got that? Grab a grab your notes app on your phone and start a file that says truth right now. And anytime, by the way, you get a little truth today about something that made you feel good, made you feel more peaceful, more strong, more happy, more excited about life, more something, you write it in that place. Keep it all in one place. Okay? You need it at your fingertips any time.

[00:34:22]Next conversation. We've been talking about this, right? But I just want to put you know codify it.

[00:34:31]Conversations are lifesaving.

[00:34:34]A conversa this is the power of a conversation my friends when in the space of an hour and a half that we spend together on one of these day on any one of these days nothing about your circumstances has changed. And yet from minute 1 to minute 60 or 90 your whole energy can change. Your whole outlook can change. The contents of your mind have completely changed.

[00:35:05]That's magical isn't it? It's a reminder. Nothing in my life actually we think in heartbreak everything needs to change for me to be happy. Nothing needs to change right now but the contents of your mind. And a great conversation can change the contents of your mind. Tell yourself right now, "Nothing changed this week. My ex didn't suddenly come running back.

[00:35:27]I'm not back in that relationship. I was grieving. I didn't get everything I was praying for 2 days ago. And yet, I feel different right now." Why? The power of the right conversations.

[00:35:43]And the right conversations begin upwards spirals. And those upward spirals spur us on to new action. New action changes our state. A different state produces new behaviors, new thoughts. So, we're beginning upward spirals by being together in the way we are right now.

[00:36:03]Next, don't be afraid to tell people, especially the people you trust. Not everyone, but the people you trust, the people that you love, the people that you know can genuinely uh give you some form of wisdom or even just a listen, a kind listening ear. One of the things that we do in a breakup is we hold it back. We're embarrassed. We don't want to tell someone, especially if we've been in that relationship a long time and we thought we were happy and someone just blindsided us with a betrayal or a discard. We feel humiliated. We feel some need to sugarcoat it. This is all ego.

[00:36:40]This is all ego. Things in our life will go wrong. All we can do when they go wrong is be honest about the situation.

[00:36:48]The truth is liberating. It sets us free from the need to preserve our identity.

[00:36:57]Focus on the you that you are becoming through all of this. Not the you that you've lost. Not the identity that you lost. That doesn't exist anymore.

[00:37:12]And by the way, when you tell people, it's going to come up. Like people are going to ask you about it. It's there's going to be an aftermath to that. You're going to have to tell the same story to 10 different people. That's going to get tiring. Know that this will this has a lifespan. It's word of mouth. It's gossip for a little bit and then it's done and no one gives a [ __ ] It will be old news, right?

[00:37:38]Okay, step three of the athlete recovery method. Who here is in enjoying this today? What's the what's the most useful thing you've heard so far today?

[00:37:49]What's the part that today you're like, that's what I need to do. That's something that's really important to me.

[00:37:53]Leave me a comment right now. Dominic, I'm loving it.

[00:37:59]Jack, realizing it's more my head than my heart. Interesting.

[00:38:04]It's Petra says it's just pain.

[00:38:08]Robert, be honest.

[00:38:10]Pit mom's truth notes.

[00:38:15]Change the name on the phone.

[00:38:18]Okay, very good.

[00:38:21]Step three of the athlete recovery method. Grab your pen, grab your paper.

[00:38:25]I want you to write this down. I need to reclaim my life. I need to reclaim my life.

[00:38:34]Okay. And I can't wait for that to happen. This simple phrase, I've been saying it for years. It's always been with me. Wait or create. Those are our options in life. We can either wait, which is usually the energy of anxiety.

[00:38:47]It's the energy of hoping. It's the energy of uh of of being depressed. It's the energy of waiting for something in our life to happen to make us not feel miserable. Or we can create we can create the states we want to feel. We can create the life we want to have. We can create the love that we want to experience. By the way, we can't choose when we will find love, but we can choose when we love.

[00:39:15]We can't choose when we will find love, but we can choose when to love.

[00:39:20]And we can start loving today. We can love our friends. We can love the people who are showing up for us. We can love the stranger who was kind to us today.

[00:39:28]We can we can experience love by being love today. We don't need to wait for love in that way. Wait or create. We are going to reclaim our lives. What does that mean? We have to rebuild our world one brick at a time.

[00:39:44]Okay? We have to start like when you've been in a relationship a long time. A lot's going to remind you of that person.

[00:39:52]It's going to be a lot of stuff in your house that's going to remind you of that person. Get rid of it. Maybe do a little redecorating so it feels fresh to you again. There's going to be stuff in your street, in your city, in in the area you live that's going to remind you of that person. Take it back. Take it back. Your ex doesn't get everything, right? It's very we can be very quick to shrink our lives because of our ex. Well, I loved eating that kind of food. I loved eating Indian food with my ex. I can't now that I can't eat Indian food without thinking of them. [ __ ] that. They don't get Indian food. It's too good. It's delicious.

[00:40:29]Your ex doesn't get Indian food, right? Oh, I can't go to that like that restaurant. I love that restaurant. It's one of my favorite places in the world and I can't go there anymore because it was one of me and my ex's favorite places. [ __ ] that. Take the restaurant back. That's your restaurant now. That restaurant belongs to you and your friends, right?

[00:40:52]Oh, we just we used to we used to love traveling to to France together. It was our favorite place in the world and it was my favorite place even before they came along and we did it together. We went to Paris together and now I associate Paris with them and I can't it's my favorite place in the world and I can't go there anymore. [ __ ] that.

[00:41:08]They don't get France.

[00:41:11]They don't get Paris.

[00:41:14]Take it back.

[00:41:17]Take it back. Be defiant. Don't let important things in your life belong to your ex. They don't get them in the deal.

[00:41:29]So, this is very important. And sometimes we actually have to cleanse places and and experiences of our ex. Go there with someone new. Go there with a friend. Have to go there and hysterically laugh with a friend who makes you laugh so much.

[00:41:48]And yes, the first time you're going to think of your ex, and the second time you'll think of your ex, and then the third time you'll have memories, new memories that have nothing to do with your ex. So maybe, oh, god forbid, you'll have to go to Paris three or four more times.

[00:42:01]That's a hardship.

[00:42:03]You know, guys, to in order to to get over your ex, you're going to have to go to Paris like three times, right? If you really want to get over them, you might have to go seven times.

[00:42:13]Damn, how sad.

[00:42:28]We have to reclaim things, my friends.

[00:42:31]We have to reclaim things.

[00:42:34]I had a a wonderful woman who came to my retreat. And when she first came to my retreat, there was a man that she could not get over, couldn't let go of this person. And she had been in an on andoff situation with him for many years. And she was addicted. And there was a whole story about it. And she knew that it was bad for her. She knew that this person treated her badly, didn't respect her, didn't respect her time, made her feel terrible. She knew, but she could not give him up.

[00:43:09]And at the time of the retreat, she wasn't even ready to. We ended up working together. She actually ended up joining another program I have where I only have a very small number of people a year called Club 320.

[00:43:22]And this was our mission in Club 320 was to get her out of this situation.

[00:43:29]And we do an adventure every year with Club 320. We go somewhere, we'll we'll do something really different and fun together. And this year we all went to Northern California to see the Redwoods.

[00:43:42]And we were staying in Airstreams. It was this beautiful time. It was with this small group of people coaching them. And there was a moment where we were walking through the redwood forest together. And there was this gorgeous hike and it was magic. I mean it was magical. We were around these trees, some of them thousands of years old. And we were looking up at them and it was majestic.

[00:44:07]And then at one point she came over while everyone was talking about what an amazing time they were having. She came over to me and she said, "I'm struggling."

[00:44:16]And I said, "What? What? You know, what's going on?" She said, "This is really conflicted for me because that guy that I'm trying to get over, he once surprised me with a trip to the redwoods. And so now I associate the redwoods with him.

[00:44:36]Like I look around and they're they're like it's like this is just reminding me of him. And I looked at her and I said, "You know how old these trees are?

[00:44:51]You know how much older than you and me these trees are? How long they've been around before we were here? Do you know how much older than your ex these trees are?

[00:45:01]You know how much these trees have seen?

[00:45:03]How many people have walked through these woods? How many people have touched these trees? The wars they have seen, the pain they've seen, the highs, the lows, the different chapters of history.

[00:45:15]Do you know how much these trees have seen?

[00:45:20]You think these trees give a [ __ ] about your ex?

[00:45:25]He's a He's a blip. He doesn't not even a blip on their timeline.

[00:45:32]He doesn't even register on their timeline.

[00:45:36]He's like a an ant that was just passing through for a second.

[00:45:41]Right. Your ex is insignificant in comparison to these trees. And you're going to tell me he gets the redwoods.

[00:45:49]Your ex gets the redwoods.

[00:45:53]And she looked at me and she said, "Oh my god, he doesn't get the redwoods." Said, "Of course he doesn't get the redwoods. He doesn't get the redwoods."

[00:46:10]This stuck with her, by the way, instantly changed the tone of that experience we were she was having in those trees and we were having together as a group. changed the game. The next time I saw her, because she people who come to club 320 get a ticket to a retreat, they get a ticket to another retreat.

[00:46:28]The moment she came back to the retreat, she and the other ladies that were with her had a band, a piece of jewelry they they'd had made. And that piece of jewelry said, "Nobody gets the Redwoods.

[00:46:46]Nobody gets the Redwoods." It became a metaphor for reclaiming our lives, for taking it back.

[00:46:55]Defiance.

[00:47:01]And we don't just take places back, we create new memories, new neural pathways.

[00:47:08]Right? So we introduce newness to our life right now wherever possible. That doesn't have to be take that doesn't have to be like going somewhere far-flung. can be doing a different route for a dog walk. It can be eating different foods that spark an appetite.

[00:47:24]It can be saying yes to things you previously would have said no to instead of declining it to stick to a routine that you used to have but isn't even really there anymore because that person is no longer in your life. It might be saying yes to a spontaneous invite to go on an evening walk with a friend.

[00:47:41]Even especially if that's not something you would normally do. Maybe you wouldn't go on a walk with a friend after work. You'd normally sit down, watch a TV show, and go to bed, but you say, "You know what? Screw it." And you do it. And it becomes a nice opportunity to get out of yourself, to talk about things other than your ex, to put your focus on somebody else. I always love this this speech Echart Tol gives where he talks about how our suffering ends at the edge of our skin.

[00:48:07]that all of our suffering, all of this pain we're experiencing, if you just go one inch outside of your skin, that suffering ends.

[00:48:18]It's not there anymore. This table isn't suffering.

[00:48:23]This book is not suffering. My suffering all happens on the inside of my skin. On the outside of my skin, my suffering doesn't exist. So sometimes hanging out with another person, hearing about their stuff, what their suffering is, what they're going through, putting yourself in their world is one of the most powerful things you can do. Tell yourself, "My heartbreak ends at the edge of my skin.

[00:48:49]All this pain, all of this, everything I'm going through, it it if I go one millimeter outside of my skin, it's no more." Isn't that funny?

[00:49:02]We have to rediscover the joy in our lives. I want you to write that down.

[00:49:05]Rediscover the joy in my life.

[00:49:09]Marie Condo who talks about you know tidying and she always has this concept of keeping objects in your house that spark joy. She also refers to the way that applies to life. There is a Japanese word tokamei which is a word for the inner spark that tells you that this matters. In other words, what sparks joy in life, not just in our house. What sparks joy for us in life?

[00:49:34]What's a place you could go that if you just booked a little trip there tomorrow, you'd be like, "That would light me up. That would be so beautiful." Me and Audrey are going to see uh at the Hollywood Bowl this week uh composer Joe Hashi who is um the composer of all of the Studio Ghibli uh music for movies like Spirits of Away and How's Moving Castle and he's like my he's like my number one and it sparks so much joy for me the music he he makes.

[00:50:04]So that's something that sparks joy.

[00:50:06]That's something we're going to go and do. What's something that's going to make you like this week is really hard.

[00:50:11]This week is like a really hard week. It takes a lot out of me. At the end of it, we're like we're going to go to let's go to Disney for a day. Like let's go play.

[00:50:19]Let's just go play and be kids, right?

[00:50:23]And you can do that whether it's by yourself or with a friend. What's something that would speak to the child in you? What's something that would speak to that part of you that just deserves joy? My friends, you deserve joy.

[00:50:35]You des tell yourself this, I deserve joy after how hard all of this has been. Do you know what the saddest part about heartbreak is? We go through one of the hardest things in our life and then we make it harder.

[00:50:49]We make it harder by beating ourselves up, by criticizing ourselves, by telling ourselves we're not good enough, by telling ourselves that if we had been more attractive, if we had been prettier, funnier, more charismatic, more successful, more more sexy, less insecure, then they wouldn't have dumped us. [ __ ] that.

[00:51:08][ __ ] that. that you're going you're you the human being that is you. Your best [ __ ] friend. The person you're supposed to show up for. The person you're supposed to love more than anything in this world. The person you're supposed to protect. The person you're supposed to be there for. The person you're supposed to encourage. The person you're supposed to stick up for is going through the hardest time in their life.

[00:51:31]And you're going to use that moment to make yourself feel worse, to beat yourself up, to pile on. [ __ ] that. You deserve joy.

[00:51:40]You deserve joy.

[00:51:46]Someone you love goes through a hard time. What's the instinct? How do I bring joy into their life again? What can I do to bring joy into their life?

[00:51:53]How can I give them the gift of joy? How can I help them dream again?

[00:51:58]The problem for most of us is we have lived a life that has made it really hard for us to experience joy. Many of us have. Many of us have lived a life in fight or flight. A life where we don't feel good enough. A life where we don't feel like we're entitled to joy. A life where we're always waiting for something bad to happen. We're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's this is a whole world we can get into if you and I end up on a bigger journey together. But the truth is many of us have not our lives have not prepared us to experience joy.

[00:52:32]But but you know what heartbreak does?

[00:52:34]Even if you're bad at giving yourself allowing yourself to feel joy and experiencing joy and feel like you're deserving of joy, heartbreak's a really good time to give ourselves an excuse to say, "I'm going through a hard time. If if I never give myself joy, this is the time to do it.

[00:52:52]This is the time to give myself joy."

[00:52:55]You know what I loved? There was a woman in the community. I was I was looking uh who wrote a little poem in the community the other day in love life and she said uh I used to love writing I used to love making writing poems and I decided to write a little poem and I thought that's it her inner child said I want to do something and she said okay if that's what you want to do if that's what's going to make you feel good today if that's going to bring some joy let's let's write a little poem and she posted it in the group and I want I I don't remember the name of that person, but I want to say thank you because you you modeled what it was to give yourself just a little bit of joy in that moment.

[00:53:45]We have to move forward. Bring joy into our lives. Focus on our mental health right now like it is our job. Like it is our job.

[00:53:55]There was a woman in the community, Zara. She said this. I just thought it was really, really um beautiful.

[00:54:03]She said, "I still have moments of weakness and doubt and rumination and poor self-esteem, but I think my desire to heal and grow is stronger than my pain, especially after signing up for this event. Isn't that cool?"

[00:54:22]I still have moments of doubt and rumination and poor self-esteem, but I think my desire to heal and grow is stronger than my pain.

[00:54:33]That's amazing. And the truth is the reason many of us haven't felt this before is we don't have this kind of support system in our life.

[00:54:42]We don't have somewhere we can go to have quality conversations like this, to have conversations on this level. You could have been feeling better sooner, right? It complete serendipity that me deciding to do this happened to coincide with you going through what you are going through.

[00:55:07]Who hears like there's there's a a magic to the fact that you and certainly not a magic to the pain you're feeling.

[00:55:15]Although I could argue there is even a kind of magic to that, but that's not what I'm referring to. How many people feel like there is a kind of magic to the fact that you in this dark place something meant that I was doing this at the exact same time at time that just made sense. I've never done this before. We've never done five days to mend. I've never sat online for five days with people and done something like this. This is for me it's so special.

[00:55:49]And who here is I want to ask again because it's really important like be be honest. Who here when you came in on Monday you felt like I'm I'm at a nine or a 10?

[00:56:04]Write the number of pain.

[00:56:06]Zero is blissfully happy and 10 is excruciating pain. Who here was at a 10 when they came in on Monday before you'd had any of these conversations before we had gotten together.

[00:56:22]So there's a lot of 10, 11, 12, a lot of eights and nines plus 50.

[00:56:30]Someone says Shell says 11.

[00:56:36]right now in this moment. We're only on day three. We've got 5 days of 5 days to mend.

[00:56:44]What's the number right now? Don't forget, don't let your brain drift to but where will it be in a week? Where is the number right now? How's the how's the number changed? And by the way, all I care about is what it was relative to when you came in. But what is it today?

[00:57:01]So this is interesting, right? Look at that spread.

[00:57:04]Lots of sevens, sixes, fives.

[00:57:09]Four. Four. If you were a 10 and now it's a four is huge.

[00:57:17]You have a completely different life at a four than at a 10.

[00:57:24]Who here today has made the decision to move on? Let me ask you again. I asked you at the beginning of this session. Let me ask you again, who has made the decision to move on?

[00:57:43]It's amazing. And by the way, many people who are saying that probably wouldn't have been saying that Monday morning, right?

[00:57:51]Con, I see you.

[00:57:54]I'm trying to see these names as we're going through. Niha, you've made the decision. Denise Shelly, who here thinks it's weird that on Monday we're not going to wake up together and do this?

[00:58:12]I think there's something so funny about like the getting together every day with the same group of people. I'm like, where's where's it going to be on Monday? Where like it's the same feeling people have when they join me on my retreat. It's like, I'm so used to doing this every day and showing up together every day. Where are you going to be when when I go home next week? Why aren't we all going to go to a room together and hang out and improve our lives?

[00:58:40]There is, look, I'm not going to lie to you guys. This is way more work and uh this has been much more than I ever imagined it would be. When I first had the idea, I came to my team and I was like, "Let's do this 5 days to men thing." And they were like, "Five Days?

[00:58:59]That sounds like a lot." I was like, "Yeah, it's going to be fine." It's been a lot more than I even thought it was going to be. And it this takes a lot out of me. It does. It's the There's a reason, by the way, that I do a retreat once a year. It when I do a retreat, it takes a lot out of me. Emotionally, it takes a lot out of me.

[00:59:20]But, and this is the same, but I am in with you guys. I am like, as far as I'm concerned, we have started something now. I'd love to finish it. I'd love to see it through with you. I want to continue with you. And You'll know from this week. I don't phone anything in. I I if you had paid $1,000 to be with me for this week for men week, I wouldn't have done it any differently.

[00:59:52]This is I've I've conducted this as if you paid a lot of money for it because I believe if I'm going to do something, let's go all the way. And that is what I'm trying to do this week. And this day three is not the end. We still have day four and day five. Um, I've thrown my entire team at this. We have a a size of community in this that we can't possibly manage on a day. We can do it for a week. I've lit we haven't got a big team, but we threw our entire team at this. Inside the Love Life app, we have an entire team who's managing the culture of that community and making sure it's up to our standards of kindness and generosity and vulnerability and authenticity.

[01:00:29]But I can't keep this up in the way that I'm doing right now. It makes me sad to say that because I want all of you to come with me, but I can't. I can't even have my team keep this up in the way that we're doing this this week. This is a very special one-off situation. If it were up to me, every single one of you would book your plane ticket now to come and be with me in Miami in October. I know a couple of you already have this week, but I know that's also not possible. By the way, we have 96 tickets left for the retreat. So, even on that level, it's not possible for everyone.

[01:01:02]But I also know financially it's not possible for everyone.

[01:01:07]I'm not here today to say come and join me on the retreat. I'd love you to come grab one of those tickets. But I am here to say that I want to continue with you to get you beyond what you're feeling right now and to truly make that last.

[01:01:22]And I wanted to create something that we could all do together over the next month to see this through.

[01:01:30]I don't need you to con to convince you to keep going with me. By the way, either you have found this helpful or you haven't. If you're here and you're like, h, it's not making any difference.

[01:01:39]I still feel absolutely dreadful in every possible way. Then it's not for you. I'm not your coach. I'm not the right person for you. To me, at this point, day three, you're either finding it helpful to spend time with me or you're not. But for those of you that are, you have seen what immersion can do.

[01:01:59]So I have put together something that is designed to flow straight from 5 days to mend into the next month that I am calling healing immersion month.

[01:02:14]My question to you is simple again. You already know whether that's going to be helpful to you or not. You already know whether you want to continue with me or not. So I'm not trying to convince anyone here. If this is helping you, I just want to keep going.

[01:02:26]If it was affordable for you to continue this with me, would you like to do that? Leave me a comment.

[01:02:35]If it was affordable for you to do so, would you like to continue?

[01:02:42]And I say that to this cohort only because what I'm about to tell you, in the same way that mend week, these five days, I can't do again anytime soon.

[01:02:54]What I'm about to tell you, I definitely can't do again anytime soon.

[01:03:00]Let me explain what it is. And I have designed this not to be something that works for me. I've not designed it to be something that's convenient for my time or my team's time. I've designed it to work. I've designed it to be right for you where you are.

[01:03:20]So, I put together something called healing immersion month, but really it's continuing with mend week. Next week, next Tuesday, and I'll explain, is going to be day nine of mend week. Over the next 30 days, I have put my entire coaching staff, including myself, on being with you as many times as possible in the next month live. What that amounts to is three times a week, you're going to have a 1-hour coaching session.

[01:03:55]You'll have one with me. You'll have one with my brother Steven Hussy, who co-wrote my book with me, who is one of our head trainers, who has worked with people for many years alongside me, helping them in their love lives. You have my wife Audrey Hussie, who is an exceptional coach and someone who's helped a lot of people at this point.

[01:04:14]Each of us, you're going to get for an hour a week over the next month. All right? I told you 100 great conversations. My job is to try and put as many of those conversations in the next month as possible cuz I don't want you to be feeling this 3 months from now. I in a month I want you to be in a very different place. You've already seen what you can do in a couple of days. Imagine what you can do in a month with us. So, you're going to get coaching three times a week. That means you're never more than even when your brain resets to sad, depressed, hurt, angry, uh you know, catastrophic thinking, you're never more than a couple of days away from your next conversation with us. The second thing I'm doing is I'm making Matthew Aai available for the rest of the month for everyone who joins me. The great thing about Matthew Aai is it remembers the history of your conversations. So, the more you use it, the better it gets.

[01:05:05]You've already been using it this week.

[01:05:07]Shout out if you've been loving Matthew Aai this week. You're already using it.

[01:05:11]That means Matthew Aai already has context for you, what you're going through, your story with your ex. When you continue with Matthew Aai, you're not starting again. Matthew Aai already has all of that. The answers are going to keep getting better and better because Matthew Aai knows you and your specific situation better and better.

[01:05:29]So, that's going to extend through the full uh 30 days of healing immersion month. you're going to continue in the community. Very important. So that we don't overt tax our regular support system, our friends and family. We need a place we can go to be strong and to be weak. We need a place where we can repeat the story a hundred times and no one says, "Are you talking about this again?" That's what this community is.

[01:05:53]I'm also going to give you a road map to structure your healing. So you're not just going to have live conversations.

[01:06:00]You're going to have a road map to structure your healing. So that means a couple of things. One, I have two different paths you can go down. I have a course specifically designed for new heartbreak, right? It's called surviving heartbreak.

[01:06:17]It's how you move on from acute heartbreak. In other words, heartbreak that just happened that you're in the throws of right now. I also have a course for chronic heartbreak called How to Move On. This is for any of you who have been in this place for months or even years and are still struggling to move on or you associate a little bit with both and you do both courses. You have access to both but you begin as soon as you get into healing immersion month. So you'll you'll book in your first session with me on Tuesday. You'll get a schedule for the month with all of our live calls, but you'll also choose which program is most relevant to you to start with.

[01:06:57]That's going to give you structure to your healing.

[01:07:01]Two weeks from now, we are going to be doing the Rashimon process. I talked to you about a process the other day that we do. It's based on a Japanese movie called Rashimon where the story of the situation changes depending on how you process it. The Rashimon process is designed to get you to process this relationship and this breakup through a very different lens. And we have a series of questions we ask you in this process to lead you to a different realization by the end of it. We're going to do that process two weeks in.

[01:07:34]Okay? So halfway through the month, we'll actually go through that process together.

[01:07:39]I'm going to give you a weekly mission so that you have proactive things that you can do for your healing. You're not waking up next week going, "What do I do?" You have a weekly mission from me.

[01:07:48]And my brother Steven is even going to give you daily reflections so that every day you wake up to something positive that's going to put you in a great state of mind. And remember, even when we're not in a live session, even when you're not doing one of your courses, even when you're not looking at a daily reflection, anytime you're struggling at 2:00 a.m., you don't know who to talk to, you have Matthew Aai unlimited. You don't lose access to that. You keep it by being part of this. We're including it.

[01:08:15]So I have included as like I said I've built this to be something that is not good for us and our time. It's the this is the most labor intensive program I've come up with in a very long time which is why it's a month long and it's why I can't do it again anytime soon but it's designed to work. I said if I was building something that I know is actually going to work how would I build it? And I know that heartbreak is 24 hours a day. Heartbreak doesn't just take place while you're in a therapy session. Heartbreak is 24 hours a day.

[01:08:49]You need support throughout those 24 hours. That's what this is designed to be so that you don't go backwards, so that you don't finish men week and suddenly find yourself struggling again.

[01:09:00]By the way, for all of you who are like, I would have paid several hundred just for this week, what we're doing this week, I would have paid for that alone.

[01:09:09]Um, and you're there's some part of you that's like, I don't want to lose what we've done this week. I want to be able to go back and watch these. We are taking all of this down on Monday. For those of you who join me for healing immersion month, I'm going to give you all of the recordings of these sessions.

[01:09:25]We're going to create cheat sheets from these sessions so that you don't have to go back and watch them. You can just get the notes and the exercises and the key quotes. Um, I'm going to put in a PDF the poem that I created and I'm going to include all of this as just an additional bundle on top of everything you're getting in healing immersion month. Um, I basically want you to look back at this time and be like, I can't believe I was so lucky that I got my heart ripped out in the exact same summer that Matthew Hussy decided to spend half of his summer helping people through heartbreak. I am begging you to take advantage of this because it may never happen again. I have to get back to planning a retreat after this is done. I have to get back to serving my Love Life members and my Club 320 members. I have to get back to being a dad of an eight-month year old 8-month-old, I should say. Like my time is spoken for many times over. So, I cannot do this again anytime soon. But I know what it is to be heartbroken. I know that when I was heartbroken, it was the worst time in my life. I would have given anything for this to exist when I was going through heartbreak.

[01:10:42]And I know how much human presence I Matthew AI is amazing and it's an extraordinary support for people all the time when they need it 24 hours a day.

[01:10:51]But I know human presence when we're going through heartbreak is exquisite.

[01:10:56]There is a magic to it. So I wanted you to have me with you as you go through this. It's why I can't repeat this is because it's going to take a lot from me and my team to be able to do it. This is a lightning strike moment and I want you to take advantage of it. If you're in this place, we have done this a thousand times. We eat this for breakfast every day. That you the worst time in your life is something we eat for breakfast every day. This is what we do. I have tried to make this as affordable as possible for everybody. So, this isn't a membership. It's not a continuing thing.

[01:11:29]I've not put a high price tag on it.

[01:11:31]It's three payments of $99 or a single payment of $247 if you want to save 17% by saving us the admin of three payments and just doing it as one when you get to the checkout page. Um, to give you a reference point, I saw a therapist when I was going through heartbreak because something like this didn't exist.

[01:11:56]I paid more for one hour of this therapist's time by far than you'll pay for this entire month with me. You're getting more than 12 hours of live coaching, not to mention the programs, uh, uh, the Rashimon process, the missions, mend week, all of what we've done this week. It is an insane opportunity to be a part of this. And I did this intentionally because I wanted as many people to be able to do this as possible. I I couldn't make it any cheaper because it's this is what I do.

[01:12:31]This is my living. This is my job. This week I'm doing my job for free for a whole week. But I also have to respect the time and the energy that this is going to take from us. And I promise you this is an extraordinary opportunity and an extraordinary offer to be a part of this. Um, for all of you Love Life Coaching members, by the way, if you're already a Love Life member, we've actually made it $99 for you. We've given you 60% off.

[01:12:56]We've sent you an email about that. So, you should have it in your emails. If you email, if you didn't see the email in your inbox, just email [email protected] and we will send that to you. Let me give you all the link um for this. Uh, it's healing.com.

[01:13:13]Healing.com is the link. And like I said, look how much progress we've made in three days. We've got two more to go, but look how much progress we've made in 3 days. Imagine what we can do together in 4 weeks.

[01:13:28]And by the way, if any of you are like, should I do this or should I come to your retreat in October? I don't want you to have to decide between those two things. I just if you can come to the retreat, please come to the retreat. Um, but I want to make that easy for you. I don't want you to spend money on both.

[01:13:45]So, if you do the healing immersion month program and you come to the retreat, I'm just going to give you a $300 credit towards your retreat. So, you won't have paid a penny for your healing immersion month. So, for anyone who's coming to the retreat and paying full price to come to the retreat, I'm just going to gift you a $300 credit just by being a part of healing immersion month. So, you don't have to go, which one should I do? You won't have to decide between them. Um, and Billy, by the way, is available to speak to anybody who wants to take us up on that. Whatever you do, I'm and I want to before we go to our coaching session, which we're going to do in the Love Life app shortly, I want to just read you something and I'm going to get you to close your eyes and just go through a beautiful little moment together. So, don't go anywhere. Um, but don't stop here. Whatever you do, don't stop here.

[01:14:35]Treat getting your mind right and getting your confidence right like it is your job. And if anyone wants to make me a part of that, if you know you want to do this with me, comment the word in and let me know. Um, I want to see those in comments right now so I know who my people are who are going to be joining me. Uh, I want to let you know that enrollment closes on Monday. We only have 500 spaces for this. The reason we only have 500 spaces is I don't have the size of team to manage the size of community that this is. I can do it for this week, but right now no one on my team is doing anything else but mend week. So, we can't continue that. If I'm actually going to be able to serve everyone who's on this program, if we as a team are going to give people the attention that they deserve, if we're going to manage the community in the way that it deserves to keep the beauty, the kindness, the vulnerability, that gorgeous, safe environment for this, we can't have uh the number of people that we have here right now. That does mean not everyone here is going to be able to join. I'm sorry about that. It's the best I can do right now. What I can do though is I'm going to delay talking about this to uh my Instagram channel, my Tik Tok channel, other places. Right now, I'm doing this live with you at this moment to give you the chance to have those spaces first. So, we're going to close this down on Monday, no matter what in alongside Mend Week. Um we may end up closing it down much sooner than that if those 500 spaces disappear very very quickly. But I wanted you to have the chance to come and do this first before we made it something that we were shouting about to everybody else. Um, consider this. Day nine of men week begins this coming Tuesday. That's the way I want to see it. That's the way I'm seeing it. I'm seeing I'm not This isn't over. I don't have to say goodbye and we've got two more days, but I don't have to worry that at this the end of this week it's over and I'm not going to see you because day nine is this Tuesday. And I'm really really excited for this to be the same cohort of people all the way through moving through it as a unit. There is a very real bond that's being formed with the group that's here with the community we have right now.

[01:16:56]I'm not interested in bringing in a completely new community. I want it to be this group going through it together.

[01:17:03]That's what's really special to me about this. That's what's going to make this a kind of moment in time event. And like I said, I just want you to look back on this and go, that changed my life. I can't believe I was around in that moment when that happened. And it was the timing worked out for me. Um, healing.com is the link. I'm just going to give you three minutes to go and grab your space because I know many people won't concentrate on the next thing I'm going to do unless they have their space already. So, please go and grab your space now. I'll give you 3 minutes for that and then we're going to come back.

[01:17:35]I'm going to do a brief exercise with you. Just a little little beautiful moment before we finish and then we're going to go to do our coaching inside love life. Uh let's take 3 minutes now.

[01:17:45]Don't go anywhere. I'll be back in 3 minutes right here.

[01:18:15]Heat.

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[01:20:58]Hey everybody. Um, I've been enjoying reading the comments. Uh, leave me a comment if you uh got your space. Um, just put uh uh what what's what's the right what's the right word? I don't want to say done because that's the word we use for for the X. Um, let's put in. Yeah, let's do in again. Who's who's already in so that I know?

[01:21:29]Dagy, you're in. Amazing.

[01:21:33]Maria Pink Panic, I know some people will still be uh booking right now and that's okay. We'll we'll I'll just give you 60 seconds while I'm speaking to finish up. Um Laura, Jessica, Deb, Lisa, amazing. Shadow LM, you're joining us.

[01:21:55]Dela says Eekes.

[01:21:58]Robert Rosanna, someone put it's a bargain. Really?

[01:22:05]Guys, I I don't I genuinely don't know how to make it more of a bargain than we have. Honestly, I think if you value at this point, I think our coaching time is probably valued at about 10 bucks an hour for the times the amount of time that we're going to be giving you. So, it's uh it like I said, this is a this is a one-off opportunity. You know, if it's right for you, you know, it's a this is a one-off opportunity.

[01:22:32]Um Lisa, Gold Coast in says Lucy Gretchen in these at this rate, these spaces are going to be taken up pretty fast, I think. Um so excited. Thank you so much everybody.

[01:22:52]Um Lane, you got your space. Amazing.

[01:22:57]Um very good.

[01:23:01]Um Niha says, "I've been a Love Life member. Best money spent." That's amazing.

[01:23:07]Um all right. Very good. Um All right. Let's just finish up with this little moment here and then we'll go and do some coaching inside of Love Life.

[01:23:20]>> Uhhuh.

[01:23:22]>> Yeah. Which is free today, which is great. Um, by the way, for anyone who is like, "Can I get the schedule?" Yes, don't worry. We'll give you the whole schedule. We have the whole thing laid out for the month. It's already pre-planned. If you can't make the live sessions, don't worry. They're recorded, so you won't miss out on them. Um, for anyone who said, "I'm shy. I don't know if I want to go live. You don't have to go live. That's completely a choice of your own. So, you don't have to worry that you have to be on camera or anything like that. You can watch from behind your screen and never have to come forward and and be coached in that way. So, please don't worry about that.

[01:23:58]Um, uh, Cynthia, you're in. Amazing. Kate, you got your space. Well, by all means, keep doing that as I'm speaking. I don't want to stop anyone from I don't want to do an exercise that means you then don't get a space on healing immersion month.

[01:24:13]So if you are still going through that process, it's more important you focus on that. But I want to take you through just a little moment. So um if you're already in and you've got your space um or if you're not joining us at all, that's fine, too. Um but you can take a moment to close your eyes. Um, I'm going to count down from 5 4 3 2 and 1.

[01:24:55]Take a deep breath.

[01:25:03]Breathe in.

[01:25:10]and out.

[01:25:13]Take another deep breath.

[01:25:17]In and out.

[01:25:25]As we come to this moment in day three of this 5-day journey and hopefully this next 30 days we're going to go on together, I want you to remember that this is your life we are talking about, not your exes.

[01:25:47]We can make the mistake of making our life about an ex.

[01:25:54]This is your life.

[01:25:58]Breakups only remain devastating over the long term if you continue to make your ex the star of the movie you are watching about your own life.

[01:26:12]It's normal to make our ex too important.

[01:26:15]We either glorify them and turn them into an angel or because of the pain they've caused us, we hate them and we turn them into a demon. Either way, we are giving that person far too much power.

[01:26:32]We're conditioned from an early age to cast someone in the role of love of our life.

[01:26:39]It's like our brain is looking for a target to project a lifetime of ideas about love onto.

[01:26:47]Often when we find someone who represents even 50% of what we've been looking for, our hopes and our imagination do the work of creating the other 50% through this projection.

[01:27:02]Then when we lose that person, we begin mourning the loss of a person we have told ourselves was perfect for us.

[01:27:15]Not realizing that our mind would simply have found a different target if we had not encountered this person in our lives.

[01:27:26]Far from being a cynical thought, it's an optimistic one. It means you can and will feel this way again. So long as you are willing to part ways with the previously fixed story you had been telling yourself about what the old person represented.

[01:27:48]Far from being a cynical thought, this is an optimistic one. It means you can and will feel this way again so long as you are willing to part ways with the previously fixed story that you had been telling yourself about what the old person represented.

[01:28:05]So let's take them off that pedestal and start putting them in their proper place.

[01:28:14]Not an angel, not a demon, a mortal in our past, not a supernatural or haunting presence that we should be taking with us into our future.

[01:28:31]In truth, the moment the breakup happened, that person's life, their choices, their success, their romance, or the love they find are utterly irrelevant to you.

[01:28:45]Now that you're no longer with them, who they are dating or what they're up to is no more important than who a random barista is dating in a coffee shop you don't even go to.

[01:28:59]They are just another person living their life. You are the hero of this story. And there is no better time to be heroic than when things are at their worst. That's precisely when we need to be heroic.

[01:29:20]You are the hero of this story.

[01:29:24]And there is no better time to be heroic than when things are at their worst.

[01:29:31]We love the character Rocky Balboa not because he was a winner, but because he was a fighter.

[01:29:39]So fight.

[01:29:48]When you get a moment, slowly open your eyes.

[01:30:04]I want to thank you for the last couple of days.

[01:30:09]I want to thank everyone who's joining me for healing month. Anyone who's currently joining us and wants to uh join me for the next 30 days for this special experience I've put together, you can go to healingmonth.com.

[01:30:26]I see so many of you coming through all the time. Robert, I see you're in. Can't wait to to be with you there, my friend.

[01:30:34]Um we have so much to look forward to together. Together. Not alone. You're not going to be alone. We'll do this together.

[01:30:43]And um I'm really looking forward to doing some coaching with you now as we have been the last two days.

[01:30:51]Commit to these next two days with me as well. Remember, we're only on day three of 5 days to mend. Um I'm committed to making these five days really special for all of you. Um this has been a really special week so far. I have huge gratitude to everyone who's showing up every day without fail, who's making this a sacred appointment you have with yourself. To everyone who has made the decision to move on, because it is a decision, I commend you and we're going to get the rewards of that together over the next month.

[01:31:25]Um, so let's head over to the Love Life app together where we'll do our coaching together. Keep telling me, by the way, anyone who's in, tell me I'm in so that I know that you got your uh session and you got one of those spaces. I'd love seeing the names and who's joining us.

[01:31:45]So, if you've just got it and you haven't told me yet, please let me know.

[01:31:50]Um, and I'll see you. We'll we'll actually go over there right now. So, click the link. There should be Is there a link up right now for people to click?

[01:31:58]Okay. Okay. So, there's a link or a QR code uh for you to go to right now that's going to take you to the live coaching session I'm going to be doing with people. Uh come join us over there.

[01:32:07]Now, we're not quite done for the day.

[01:32:09]We're going to go and do some amazing coaching together. Uh and to everyone, Tan and and Alice and uh Tarach, all of you who are in, Laura, Nicolettos, um I can't wait to be with you all. This is going to be amazing. I'll see you in a couple of minutes for our coaching.

[01:32:26]And of course, I'll see you all again tomorrow. But for now, let's go do some coaching together. Go to the QR code.

[01:32:32]I'll see you in love life. I'm going over there right now.

[01:33:31]Heat. Heat.

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