WHY THE EXPLANATION: “AVOIDANTS LACK CAPACITY” IS NOT SUFFICIENT

Añadido: 2026-05-16

[00:00:00]So, yesterday I did a video talking about why capacity isn't really the issue with avoidantly attached individuals, and people pushed back on that saying that my explanation was purely semantic, that at the end of the day, they do in fact have capacity issues.

[00:00:16]There is a reason why I'm being very clear on this, and I want to make sure that we're all on the same page.

[00:00:21]Avoidantly attached individuals, particularly those on the moderate to more severe end of the scale, cannot fully integrate with another human being. Hearing that alone, you might think that's capacity. And if we leave the explanation purely at that, it implies that this is just who they are, and that they're stuck in this particular way, when in fact, the reason for those capacity issues is because their nervous system is overprotective and doesn't know how to involve another person fully in their system. Yes, we may see them being more loving, open, affectionate with other individuals in their life, who may objectively treat them terribly.

[00:01:02]However, that is a nervous system response and adaptation to individuals around them. This is very similar to how individuals with their relationship with food may be more connected and feel safe around food that is objectively not good for them in certain doses.

[00:01:21]The reason that people may only have a certain capacity for food that is not good for them, or similarly, people who treat them badly, is usually because that comes from shame and or in this context of relationships, not food, shame, trauma, and also nervous system dysregulation, poor coping skills, things that can be evolved and changed with time.

[00:01:47]If we limit the conversation to simply that they do not have the capacity for this, that's partially true, in that yes, they may not have the capacity for the love that you're looking for. We could accurately say that is true at this particular point in time, but if we limit the conversation to capacity, we are making it out as a almost biological get out of jail free card that these individuals do not have something to work on to expand their window of tolerance to allow greater tolerance and depth for intimacy and also discernment for what are healthy relationships in their life.

[00:02:24]If we limit the conversation purely to capacity and make it out that that's just simply where they're at, that becomes very flattening and it also doesn't help the discourse around how to properly help these individuals. And I know when argument might be, "Well, they're not really seeking out therapy and they're not really doing much productivity there." That's usually because at that stage, they're not ready for that deeper meaningful work until they've had enough relational rock bottoms with the people that their nervous system currently finds tolerable. When those individuals are no longer tolerable, that's what begins the uncomfortable process for them to evolve and change their capacity.