Express Genuine Gratitude

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:00]Genuine gratitude is one of those things that you and I need in our toolkit. And if we're doing it wrong or we're engaging in toxic gratitude, we are not getting the benefit of genuine gratitude. We are also using something that could be a force for good to be a force for bad stuff to happen in your life. And so we're going to end that today. And the way that we're going to begin the conversation though is we're going to begin with a story, okay?

[00:00:23]Because this morning was freaking crazy.

[00:00:26]I came down to New York City yesterday and um stayed the night because I am really excited that the Mel Robbins podcast was selected by Good Morning America as their podcast of the month.

[00:00:38]So we come down from Southern Vermont.

[00:00:40]We spend the night in a hotel. I am sound asleep.

[00:00:44]And at 3:48 in the morning, the freaking fire alarm goes off in the hotel. And it's so loud. It's like And my first thought was is it already 6:30? Cuz that's the time that I had set my alarm for. And then I realized, oh my gosh, it's the fire alarm. And in my elementary school education, we went through fire drills so often. I don't know why we did, but there were constant fire drills. And how many times did you have to stop, drop, and roll? Like I literally thought stop, drop, and rolling was going to be a skill that I would use all the time in my adult life.

[00:01:25]So immediately elementary school Mel takes over. And it's as if the principal was coming over the loudspeaker and the hotel management is like Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

[00:01:37]We have detected that the fire alarm is going off. We are investigating. The New York City Fire Department is on its way.

[00:01:46]Please stay [snorts] in your room and await further instructions.

[00:01:53]Who on earth is going to stay in their damn room when that is happening at 3:48 a.m.

[00:02:02]in a high-rise hotel in New York City?

[00:02:06]Well, I'll tell you, Mel Robbins certainly is not. So I scramble around my hotel room. And these days I sleep naked because I'm constantly having hot flashes. And so I'm soaking wet because I've soaked through the bed sheets. And I'm trying to find my tights. Thankfully I had laid out my exercise tights. I pull them on. I pull on a t-shirt without a bra. I put on my sneakers. I put on my favorite necklace. And I run out of my door. Now, I do not get in the elevator because I have had training as an elementary school student that if you're ever in a fire in a building with an elevator, you do not get into the elevator. So I go down eight flights of stairs. And I push open the door. And when I push open the door to the lobby, I startle the gentleman that is working at the front desk. He's like And I was surprised there wasn't already a party down there. Like as I was going down the stairs, I was thinking I'm going to be late. There's going to be a ton of people down there. We're all going to be in robes and PJs. And I got to get down there. And I'm not smelling smoke, but I get down there.

[00:03:05]I am the only person in the lobby. The only one.

[00:03:08]Out of an entire New York City hotel, there is one person in the entire hotel who has decided to leave their room. And it is Mel Robbins.

[00:03:17]The fire trucks show up. And as the fire trucks show up, it was really cute. A family of six, they had gotten up too cuz they had their kids in strollers.

[00:03:26]And I could tell they had gotten up in a hurry because shirts were inside out and their shoes they they You know when you put your shoes on really quickly and you have to like slide your feet in and you you stamp your heel down and and they flatten your shoes so they become almost like mules instead of sneakers? All six of them had on shoes like that. And then as the fire truck the firemen start walking in, a second couple come down, tourists from Australia. And it was at that moment that we heard the manager go Attention. Attention. This is the hotel manager.

[00:04:00]Everything is okay. It's a false alarm.

[00:04:03]Thank you for your patience. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

[00:04:06]And that was it.

[00:04:08]So I get in the elevator.

[00:04:10]And I look in the mirror in the elevator. And you want to know what?

[00:04:13]It's now like 4:06. I'm wearing my exercise tights. Not only inside out, but backwards. So the label is right on my stomach.

[00:04:22]>> [laughter] >> Facing out. And my t-shirt is inside out and backwards.

[00:04:27]Okay. Thankfully nobody was in the lobby to notice. So I go back to bed.

[00:04:31]Now, what happens next? Well, my alarm goes off at 6:30, but I'm such a daze that I don't even know if I heard it. I don't know if I heard it and turned it off. I didn't even remember waking up.

[00:04:43]And then I wake up again. And it is 6:55.

[00:04:47]And I realize, oh my god, I have registered for a Pure Barre class.

[00:04:52]And it starts in 5 minutes.

[00:04:54]And Amy, who is my colleague, is probably waiting for me in the lobby.

[00:05:00]And so I immediately pull on my clothes. It is now 6:57.

[00:05:07]I see Amy has texted me, "Are you coming?" I then text her, "I'm running.

[00:05:12]Hold a spot. Grab me socks." And I go out the door. Now, I am panicking and here's why. Have you ever been to a Barre class?

[00:05:21]A Barre class is a very unique animal.

[00:05:25]Because typically, if you are late to a Barre class, you are treated as though you have been cut from a New York City Ballet tryout.

[00:05:37]How dare you show up? Very strict, very precise. And so oftentimes a lot of the studios have a very strict and precise staff. And so I'm sprinting down the street in my clothing. I got to run two your two New York City blocks.

[00:05:57]And I am not in any kind of running shape whatsoever. So I'm sweating. I'm huffing and puffing. I'm imagining a scenario where I roll into class 5 minutes late. The person at the front desk Halt! Who goes there? No one goes in class. Not you. Don't be late. And so I'm going anyway. I'm going to try cuz I really want to exercise cuz it's going to help me do better on Good Morning America this morning. And it's a big morning. And so I am huffing and puffing. I get to the building. I run up the second flight of stairs. I am fully out of shape and about to have cardiac arrest at this point. And I go blowing through the front door.

[00:06:35]And there is a human rainbow sunshine goodness sitting at the front desk. And I will add that if JVN, you know, from Queer Eye, if he had a doppelganger, is sitting at the front desk. And he has the biggest smile. And he says, "Your friend Amy is always waiting for you."

[00:07:00]And I'm like, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." And when I tell you, he just had this radiating goodness. It was as if he put his arms energetically around me. Like a beautiful blanket, warm and kind. And we walked toward the studio. And he was just so loving. He's like, "Honey, here here's your little you know, here's your thing." And I'm like, "Oh no, no, I'm just going to put my shoes here." "Oh, let's put the tennis right here. Oh, and Amy's already got you set up. Do you have a hairband?

[00:07:32]Do you have a hairband? I forgot a hairband." "Oh, honey, right here." And he was so calm. And he was so grounding and so loving. I mean, I just felt like I was in the hands of somebody divine.

[00:07:48]And he put his arm around me and walked me into the exercise studio. And there was Amy. And they had set me up. And Amy had even bought me a pair of those sticky socks. So we had matching rainbow socks. Happy pride, everybody. I just felt so appreciative and so much love for not only Amy, but Judah, who had walked me in with his arm around my shoulder. I mean, wow.

[00:08:14]It was the exact opposite of what I had been bracing for.

[00:08:18]I leave class and I feel so moved by how I was treated, by the energy exchange, by the care and the generosity and his spirit that I had to thank him. And so I walk up to the desk and I say, "I am just so grateful for you. You are like a human ray of sunshine. You are warm and you're caring and you're so generous with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

[00:08:47]And what I was expressing was genuine gratitude. And so as we were leaving, I stopped by the front desk and I asked him his name. And he said it was Judah. And we had this incredible back and forth. And so I wanted to tell you that because what I experienced and what I expressed to Judah this morning is an example of what researchers call genuine gratitude. And I'm going to unpack what genuine gratitude is according to the research.

[00:09:19]How you practice it, the common mistakes that we make. And as it happens, you know, I believe in synchronicities.

[00:09:26]Judah smiled wide and he said, "Well, when you walked in, I was busy writing out my gratitude list for the morning.

[00:09:34]And I do think it's important to spread positivity, to be a force for good. And so I have a surprise because he was so cool that I asked him what are his top three takeaways when it comes to being a force for good and having such calming positive energy. And he has three takeaways for you. So you're going to want to listen all the way to the end, so you can hear Judah, the human ray of sunshine. And he's got one practice that is a physical practice that you will love. He has a second technique that I would call a meaningful mantra. And he has a third technique that will really get you thinking about how to make it personal. And I can't wait for you to hear those three takeaways. But let's go back to unpacking genuine gratitude because I personally found the research around gratitude and what it is and what it isn't to be a helpful place to start before you and I jump into the six types of toxic gratitude that I certainly am guilty of engaging in, and I bet you're going to recognize some of them, too.

[00:10:39]When you start to look into the research around gratitude, all roads lead to a guy named Robert Emmons, and he's a psychologist and a professor at University of California, Davis, that researches gratitude. Like that's what this guy's known for.

[00:10:54]And his definition of gratitude is that gratitude is a deep appreciation for what you have received, whether you're receiving something tangible or intangible.

[00:11:08]And you acknowledge in a moment of genuine gratitude that this thing that you've received is coming from outside of you.

[00:11:18]And one of the really important takeaways from decades of his research is that gratitude will strengthen every single relationship that you have because gratitude usually requires you to notice how other people or the universe or some higher power or nature, how it is supporting and affirming you.

[00:11:40]And when you are practicing genuine gratitude in this manner, it has this other benefit. It will literally rewire your brain when you do it correctly.

[00:11:53]This is based on decades of research and there's a reason why. First of all, the major benefit is you're teaching yourself to scan the world for the positive instead of constantly scanning for the negative. So, for example, let's go back to my story this morning.

[00:12:08]When I was racing late to the bar studio, I was scanning the world for the negative, wasn't I? And what was happening? I was sweating, I was stressed, I was panting and hyperventilating, I was bracing for the worst. I was probably jacking up my cortisol. I was reaffirming a negative experience, which created a negative experience in my body.

[00:12:29]Genuine gratitude is when you're noticing and appreciating what's happening around you, and that triggers a positive chain of events. There are four different types of neurotransmitters that get stimulated, and here's the thing that's super cool.

[00:12:49]It stimulates dopamine, which we know is the molecule of motivation. A lot of people talk about it as the happy thing.

[00:12:56]It has more to do with craving, but we'll talk about that on another episode. Oxytocin, which we know is that feel-good hormone. It reduces cortisol, which is the stress hormone, and it also triggers the flow of norepinephrine. I cannot say this word, norepinephrine, norepinephrine.

[00:13:15]>> [laughter] >> You know what I'm talking about. I I It's the energy hormone, and I cannot say it. Thank you, dyslexia.

[00:13:23]And what happens when all of these feel-good hormones and the neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine, whatever the heck it's called, you still love me, you feel calmer. You feel brighter. You feel more focused, which in turn makes you feel healthier. It makes you feel happier. It helps with decision-making.

[00:13:45]It helps you with focus. And so, there's such a profound chain reaction that happens in your mind. And the second that I started to feel this wave of appreciation toward Judah and how he was taking care of me, I was expressing and feeling genuine gratitude. It did shift how I felt in my body. I did feel calmer. I did start to focus and feel more focused on the positive about the class. I felt a deep level of connection to this person that I had just met seconds ago. And that is the benefit that is available to you.

[00:14:26]And there are three specific ways, based on the research, that you can turn on this incredible genuine gratitude effect in your life.

[00:14:36]The first one is when you use genuine gratitude to look backwards. So, you use it in the past base. And we talk about this a lot on the Mel Robbins podcast.

[00:14:46]You look backwards at the lessons in your life, right? So, you're looking at a negative or challenging or heartbreaking situation. You acknowledge the negative and challenge and heartbreaking thing that happened to you.

[00:14:59]And then you see how it shaped you.

[00:15:03]And you feel this wave of calm take over so that the genuine gratitude and the lesson that you see, it's almost like, you know, back in the past, there was this massive mountain in front of you.

[00:15:17]And now that you look back with gratitude, you can see that the mountain is behind you. And you see everything that you gained from scaling that mountain.

[00:15:26]And you know how hard it was, but you can stand in genuine gratitude now that you look back in the past. That's one way that you reprogram your mind.

[00:15:35]Another way is the present. We just talked about that with the example this morning. As it was happening, the warm smile, his tone of voice, how how calming his energy was, how inviting he was treating me. In the present, I was claiming and naming the fact that this blessing seemed to be happening for me in real time, and I let the positive energy wash over me.

[00:15:59]And then finally, you can use this same genuine gratitude practice to scan the future.

[00:16:07]And you may have something really challenging going on. Maybe you just lost somebody that you love.

[00:16:12]Or you're about to start something new, like a job or a new school, or maybe you're going through a breakup. And you look out on the open road, and there's a lot of unknown, and you feel a lot of fear.

[00:16:25]You can harness genuine gratitude in that moment not to wipe away the fear, but to help lift you up and balance it out knowing that with the right attitude and with the right actions, you will be able to face this next mountain in front of you and scale it, and it'll be behind you, even though it's going to be a challenge to climb it. That's how you can use it. Now, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about toxic gratitude in particular and the six different ways that I'm personally guilty of practicing, I don't even know if you practice it. You just engage in toxic gratitude, right? Is because gratitude to me feels like it's reached the jump the shark moment. And for those of you that may be too young to understand the Happy Days reference, it just means that something has gone way overboard. It's no longer in, it's out, but gratitude needs to be in. Genuine gratitude does.

[00:17:21]But we've gone so far overboard, and you know how I know? When you walk into TJ Maxx or HomeGoods or Target for that matter, and there are a bunch of pillows that have gratitude on them on the clearance rack, we have all gone way too overboard on the gratitude train. And it also means that we are not doing it correctly. Because gratitude is a deep deep deep experience, and it's deeply personal. And I will admit to you, I have in fact bought a pillow off of the clearance rack at HomeGoods. Mine did not say gratitude, they said thankful.

[00:17:57]And I want to explain that for a minute because had they had pillows on sale 2 years ago that said gratitude, I would have bought the gratitude ones instead of the thankful ones because there's an important difference, based on Professor Emmons' research at UC Davis, that explains the difference between gratitude and being thankful.

[00:18:18]And you're going to want to know this because it will help you really understand the six types of toxic gratitude that we all engage There is a topic I so want to unpack with you that we're going to talk about today. What is it? Well, we're going to talk about the difference between genuine gratitude and toxic gratitude.

[00:18:40]There are six forms of toxic gratitude.

[00:18:42]I engage in all six of them.