Hi, I WAS A HOT MESS FOR 20 YRS, CAN WE BE FRIENDS???

Added: 2026-05-31

[00:00:00]It's like, hi, I was a dope fiend for 17 straight years in and out of jails, detoxes, hospitals, burned my entire life to the ground. Then lost both of my parents three months apart at the end of it all and went on to lose literally everything I've ever had in my entire life. And I spent the last six and a half plus years healing and recovering and building an entirely new life from absolutely nothing. Nice to meet you.

[00:00:21]How is that? How is this? What is happening? How do I put that into a package? Put a nice little bow on it.

[00:00:27]Nice to meet you.

[00:00:30]I have nothing to offer anybody. How do I explain to somebody that I'm living in an empty apartment, sleeping on an air mattress? How do I explain to somebody that like I can't even buy food?

[00:00:41]It is slightly raining in my window and it's supposed to rain for like the next week. So, I'm going to take advantage of this downtime and hopefully pump out a bunch of videos.

[00:00:51]Hi. After 17 straight years of my active dope addiction, I think it's safe to say that my ability to connect with people and build relationships was just a little bit affected. Maybe this much sarcasm. It was affected a lot. And then add on top of that the past five plus years of healing and recovery and all the work I've been doing on myself. And so the awareness and the self-awareness that I have today seems to multiply that inability by a million catillion gazillion%. Because I swear it feels almost freaking impossible to meet people, to build relationships, to connect with people. I feel like what happened? What happened? I did a whole video already on this, but I want to do another one because frankly, this is something that I continue to deal with. This is something that is very prevalent in my daily life right now, especially considering that I just moved and packed up everything. Well, I have nothing to pack, but I just moved and picked up my life in the last three months, four months to a brand new place, a brand new city without knowing anyone or anything. And so, this is something that I continue to deal with.

[00:02:11]And it I don't I don't know honestly. I don't know if it's ever I don't know.

[00:02:17]I don't have any answers. I don't have the answer to this one. So today in this video I'm just gonna I'm just going to shoot the [ __ ] with you. We're just talking about we're having a conversation about how freaking difficult it is not just after addiction but just after healing. And I swear to God being so self-aware is not a flex.

[00:02:38]like it's really not it's not the flex you think it is. A lot of times I feel like it's a curse because it's like I see through people. I mean this is an ability that I had like my entire life.

[00:02:51]I'm a very empathic person. I can sense energy. I can feel your energy and I can feel what you're feeling essentially.

[00:02:58]Don't try to ever lie to me. PSA note to self. Don't ever try to lie to me because I will see through you. I can see right the [ __ ] through everyone. And I think that's I think that's an ex addict thing where like we just can't [ __ ] a bullshitter. You can't con a con. You just can't you just can't [ __ ] a bullshitter. You know what I mean? So here we are. And I know anytime I do bring this up and mention the difficulty of meeting people and connecting with people and building relationships and recovery. I get a lot of comments of people who can relate to that because I feel like it's not really talked about enough because the recovery space is divided and it stays divided and I don't know if it's ever going to be not divided but you know there's always like the AA people, the NA people, the nonA people, the people who really don't care and the people who have done their own thing and then there's the people who just don't heal in general and try to do it on their own and white knuckle everything and through life. There's all these different subcategories.

[00:04:00]And of course, if you're going to meetings, if you're part of a 12step program, and if you're surrounded by like-minded people, then sure, you meet a bunch of people. But I'm talking about people who like normies. I'm talking about normal freaking people who we come across every single day, day in and day out. We meet new people and they're normal and they don't have a past history of addiction or they've never really been through any of the similar struggles. It's like how do you connect with these people? On the one hand, it's like I'm not so sure I want to because I want to know, right? I want to know where you're coming from. This is something that I used to hear in meetings all the time where it's like it's not the details or it's not the story, it's the feelings. Because we've all, you know, active addiction or just addiction in general, the core foundation of that are all just very similar feelings. We've all felt, you know, like we're loners and that we didn't fit in and low selfworth and high self and high ego and all the things that pretty much are the preerequisites to addiction. And a lot of people will say, you know, it doesn't matter where you come from. The rock bottoms are always different. It's just the feelings is what matters. But honestly, as someone who is sitting here who has literally lost everything, including my parents, the people, including the things, including literally everything I've ever had in my life, and of all the consequences that I've suffered throughout my addiction, the jails, the detoxes, the overdoses, the homelessness, the lifestyle. I'm not saying I'm unique. I know I'm not special. I know I'm not unique. I know my story isn't unique.

[00:05:41]But I also kind of want to know where you're coming from. I think it matters.

[00:05:47]And I think that's where 12step programs kind of trap you in a lot of ways because you go into meetings and you're just constantly surrounded by now don't get me wrong. I'm a huge advocate for AA. I know that it works. Especially I'm a huge like for early recovery. You want to meet people who know what you're going through. You want to meet like-minded people. That's the place to be. You want to be surrounded by people who know what you're going through. But on the flip side, it's like not every person we meet in the world is an ex addict or an alcoholic or is in recovery. You know, we have to practice that muscle of meeting and connecting with normal people.

[00:06:25]We can't stay in a room with with addicts our entire lives.

[00:06:31]So I was in my healing little healing isolation bubble for a few years, right?

[00:06:38]As my story goes, I didn't start healing or recovering immediately after I stopped using. I stayed very miserable, grieving both my parents, selling substances, getting arrested, living in absolute chaos, living my same addict lifestyle for a good year, year and a half after I stopped using until I finally had that moment of clarity. And then in 2021 when I really started working on myself, I kind of count two dates, right? The date I stopped using and then the date I started healing. So once I started healing, you know, I started craving solitude and I wanted to be in my own space. I needed time to figure everything out. And so my little healing solitude bubble, my hermit mode lasted from like 2021 until the beginning of 2024.

[00:07:28]So maybe so a good three years I was like healing in hermit mode. I never thought about meeting people. I never thought about you know creating new connections. I never craved connection. I was so focused on creating a connection with myself.

[00:07:48]And then at the end of like 2024 or the middle of 2024 I started like craving connection again. Came out of freaking nowhere. And that's where I made a whole video. It's on my channel about how I got smacked across the face in 2025 really with this craving for connection.

[00:08:06]Like it came out of nowhere, out of left field. I started wanting to like be around people and like talk to people and I it that was just new for me. I didn't set out to like meet people. I didn't go out to meet people. It was just something that like I was I made you know kind of an inside decision. I kind of just became open to meeting new people and I met a few new people. I started hanging out with a few new people but soon realized that the people that I was hanging or the people that I was speaking with or the new people I was, you know, going to coffee with or going to lunch with were so broken. And I and I and I remember asking myself like why are these people so broken?

[00:08:54]Like am I still that broken? Because I'm a firm believer that we attract who we are, right? We attract what we are. So if I am attracting incredibly broken people, what does that say about me? And after I had just done all this healing and I felt [ __ ] great and I felt grateful and I had this spirituality and awareness and I felt great about who I was becoming and developed a a really solid relationship with myself and then realizing that I'm still attracting like these really broken people. It was kind of a mind [ __ ] because I was like does this mean that I'm still this broken? Like I refuse to believe that. And now looking back, I truly believe that I am like a person that's kind of being used in other people's lives where it's like I people are introduced to me, not the other way around. Almost like I'm being used or utilized as like this tool of enlightenment or for enlightenment for other people who might need to hear my story or need a little bit of inspiration like secondhand. I don't know. But then on the flip side, it's like me around normal people, like see there's a big difference because I feel comfortable around people who have histories of being broken, but they're working on themselves and have found a way out.

[00:10:20]There's a difference between people who are still sick and suffering and stuck in their brokenness or in their misery.

[00:10:29]There's a difference between those people and then the people who just have a history like same similar stories, right? Or same similar background of addiction or just trauma or whatever.

[00:10:40]So there's a difference. But I was like attracting severely broken and stuck people and I was like, whoa, what is happening? But I feel most comfortable just like in a meeting setting. You're surrounded by people who have similar pasts.

[00:10:57]You don't you feel like you can be yourself. I feel like I can be myself. I feel like I don't have to hide anything.

[00:11:02]I can be every single version of me because there's I feel like there's so many different versions of me in my life. Like in my head, there's like the street there's the street smart version of me. There's a felon version of me. There's the junky version of me.

[00:11:16]There's the recovery version of me.

[00:11:18]There's the spiritual version of me.

[00:11:19]There's the healing version of me.

[00:11:21]There's incredibly self-aware version of me. There is the silly and immature version of me. There's all these different versions of me. And I feel like I can be all of those versions with somebody who matches my energy. And someone who maybe who has been through [ __ ] and has come out on the other side smelling like [ __ ] roses. So like those are the people that I thrive with, I feel myself with, I feel like I can relax with. But as we all know, life doesn't hand you people on a silver platter like here's the people you are most compatible with.

[00:11:54]So recently now, I mean just within the last year, but specifically within the last several months of being in a brand new place without knowing people, it has been and felt exhausting.

[00:12:04]Not to mention that I'm in Mexico. I'm in a foreign country and I very rarely speak English, but I also don't have anything in common with most Mexicans that I am friends with. I mean, it's not not to say I don't have friends. I have friends. I'm talking more about like actual connections, like more than just surface level connections.

[00:12:25]And I'm not talking about relationships.

[00:12:26]I'm just talking like connections. Not to say that I write people off specifically because I don't think I'll have anything in common with them. It's very difficult being in a foreign country meeting people, especially when I'm like surrounded. I I don't there's I I saw one other gringo today and I'm not really I don't have much in common with the gringoes that are here because like I said in another video, most of the gringoes that are here are well off and they're, you know, living entirely different lives. I mean, have like entirely different problems than I could even [ __ ] imagine. It's like I'm in this weird limbo or like in between land where it's like I am like my problems are like going to the store and being able to afford, you know, the food that I'm getting. Like I just went to the grocery store. I only had 500 pesos to spend, which is like 30 bucks.

[00:13:22]And so I'm like, you know, adding everything up. Can I get the cabbage?

[00:13:25]Can I get I got to get the cheapest freaking ground meat. I got to get, you know, I I had to put a couple things back. It's like these are my problems.

[00:13:34]Most of the gringoes that are here in Mexico don't have those problems. Their problems are like, "Oh, my landscaper didn't show up." Or I don't I don't know. I don't even know what kind of problems they have.

[00:13:47]Me today being this like different version like I because I've never lived like this version of me is living really for the first time ever and I'm 46. So it's like all these experiences although I might have experienced them before, I've never experienced them as this version of myself. So it's like my standards are different, my expectations are different, my goals are different.

[00:14:14]My thinking is way different. Everything is different. Everything is different.

[00:14:19]My personality feels different. Although I know it's not really that different, but I'm more shy today. Like I am so shy. I don't know what the hell happened. And like I said in my last video, I always thought I was an extrovert. And although I can be an extrovert at times when I need to be, it's exhausting.

[00:14:40]Also, is this is this really who I've always been? Is this the version of me I was trying to mask with all the using for those years? Like, have I No, because I was never shy. Like, I was a competitive dancer. I loved being on stage.

[00:14:59]I really I don't think I would I don't really think I was ever shy. But me today, I am so shy and my anxiety.

[00:15:09]I have such anxiety, bro. But even the other day, I'm like walking down the street the other day and someone asked me if I was Argentinian. And most people, most Mexicans, people here think I'm Argentinian, which is fine, which is great. I'd rather them think I'm Argentinian because some of them really don't like Americans. But I was like, "No." And then he had a couple dogs in his car. So I said hi to the dogs. And then a few days later, I saw him again.

[00:15:36]And it was like I was with India this time and he had more dogs. I find out he's got six dogs. I'm pretty he's Argentinian. And I was thinking and don't don't get any ideas. I'm not no relationships. Not looking for any [ __ ] relationships, okay? Not getting any not. are not dating over here. I'm just talking about meeting friends, bro.

[00:15:57]Like, I'm just talking about friends and like basic connections. It feels freaking hard. And then I'm like, well, how do I explain? It's like meeting new people. This is how I envision it, right? Okay. Say for instance, I'm and I haven't I haven't talked to this dude. I just used him as as an example.

[00:16:14]But as an introvert, I don't like people coming up in my I don't like people in my space. I don't like people in I will never invite you over. Like if you're my friend, I will probably never invite you over. I don't It gives me the I don't I just don't like having people up in my space like up in my things. I don't like it. But I think about that, I'm like, I don't have anything. I have literally nothing to offer anybody in. I mean, that's just in a friendship. I have nothing to offer anybody. How do I explain to somebody that I'm living in an empty apartment sleeping on an air mattress? How do I explain to somebody that like I can't even buy food? Because it's like you're having those conversations like where are you from? What do you do?

[00:16:59]Do you have what what was your family?

[00:17:02]And then people ask me about my family and I'm like oh they're dead. Like I feel like every single answer to every question is such a freaking is so traumatic. It's like I spent 20 years in active addiction getting arrested and you know in and out of jails, detoxes, hospitals.

[00:17:21]How do you package that up as a story to sell somebody? Like here, let's be friends. I don't know. I don't [ __ ] know. And I'm sitting here and I'm not saying that it's impossible, but this is something that I deal with and struggle with. Like recovery and healing is not my entire life. I mean, I plan on making different types of videos on this channel strictly for that reason because my whole life isn't about recovery and healing, but it sprinkled into literally everything I do, right? I don't I just don't understand or even envision it to be a possibility to create a real connection with somebody who has never experienced anything that I've been through.

[00:18:07]I don't see how that is even possible because I want to know like I don't want to feel like someone feels sorry for me. I am never asking for sympathy. I don't want people's sympathy.

[00:18:22]But it's like how do you package up a story like mine and at the end of it say other than all of that [ __ ] I'm doing great and like oh everything is great. How are you? You know what I mean? Like how it's it's being in Mexico and addiction and recovery are just not things here. I mean, they're things, but it's it's definitely not like in the States or other parts of the world where it's like common place or more prevalent, more talked about. Here, it's just not a thing. It's not talked about. And also since I've developed this self-awareness and this awareness and have done so much work on myself, I just do not have the energy or the capacity or the uh I don't have it in me to talk about stupid [ __ ] Small talk is not something I am ever interested in having and draining. [ __ ] draining. I need to have like a like a like a game show or some kind of situation where like I have contestants.

[00:19:35]What was that show where was like you ask them questions, right? And depending on their answers, they like they go into the next round or something. I need to have some sort of like game show or something where people can audition to be my friends because that's how it that's what it feels like.

[00:19:50]It feels like people are coming into my life and I'm auditioning them and everybody seems to be [ __ ] failing.

[00:19:56]And I'm not saying that to sound like I'm any better than anyone. I'm I know I'm not better than anybody. Trust me, I know this. But I also want to feel like I'm not drained after a conversation.

[00:20:08]The awareness that I have today feels like a freaking curse sometimes because it's like the ignorance that I once had, man, that was bliss, right?

[00:20:19]The ignorance where like I didn't know any better. Because when I thought about and when I think about my addiction and my past, every single person that I chose to spend time with was transactional really. It was like what can you do for me or what I can do for you? It's either you have drugs that I need or money or a ride or something clean urine and then you know it's all transactional and I would constantly be surrounded by people that I didn't even really like and I wouldn't choose to be around them on you know on a normal regular day without my addiction. So, it's like now that I'm on this side and I have the ability to choose and choose wisely who I share energy with, it feels oh, it feels exhausting and daunting because people are failing their auditions. In the past year and a half, it seems like the people I've been meeting are so incredibly stuck in their brokenness.

[00:21:26]It's wild. It's wild when I think about it this way though.

[00:21:31]Actually, yeah. Because that's a shift in perspective where it's like I'm grateful that I can choose today. I'm great I'm grateful that I'm not just choosing anybody to hang around with because I don't want to hang out with myself. I'm grateful that I've built the type of relationship with myself that I'm no longer feeling the need to run from and that I can sit with myself and be with myself and I don't need connection at all in my life. People are exhausting and I protect my peace. This peace took me a long time to find and develop. I'm going to protect it with literally everything I have. And it's good and it's actually a good thing where like you're not you can choose. I have the ability to choose. I have the ability to choose who I spend time with because I am not driven by my addiction anymore.

[00:22:21]And I don't have to hang out with people I don't want to hang out with.

[00:22:26]That's freedom. That's [ __ ] freedom.

[00:22:29]And and again, it's not that I'm like s actively searching for people, but it's funny how the universe works because everybody who comes into our path at any given time comes into our lives for a reason. Whoever we cross paths with, we cross paths with them for a reason. We might not know what it is immediately, but usually we'll figure it out. And whether it's to teach me a lesson or to teach the other person a lesson, I don't freaking know. But it's crazy. It is crazy. I feel in so many ways like this little girl who is like going to school for the first time or like socializing for the first time because honestly anybody new that I've met over the past year they've all failed their auditions essentially and I don't talk to any of them anymore because once I realize that they're like still stuck and broken in their whatever sickness whatever not to say it's addiction but whether it's just like toxic toxicity or like really toxic patterns or just, you know, just stuck in something.

[00:23:40]Once I realize that, I'm like, "Okay, you know what? I'm good. I'm protecting my peace. I don't have to hang out with this person for anything. I don't they don't have anything that I need."

[00:23:50]because I know how important it is to choose the people wisely and to choose who you hang around with wisely because there's literally nobody in my life who inspires me. I mean, let's be honest.

[00:24:06]Like, I've had to d like dig deep within myself to keep going and for the motivation to keep going and the inspiration to keep going because there's literally nobody around me who's like striving for more in their lives.

[00:24:20]Like, nobody.

[00:24:22]And I don't talk to people. There's one person that I talked to that I just started talking to again within the last few months who I met years ago on the island and she speaks English. She's Canadian, but other than that, I don't talk to people. I don't speak English to people. I, you know, see people at the corner store out walking their dogs and we say hi and like whatever, but that's it. That's it. I don't I don't talk to people. So, the thought of like, and I'm not saying I'm against like I'm not against talking to people. I'm not against any of it. I am open to it. And for a long time, I wasn't. But now that I'm open to it, it's like the universe is throwing people in my direction. And it's like a test to see what I will put up with, to see what I'll tolerate, to see if I'll choose my peace and pick my peace first. And every single person, there's only been maybe four within the last year who have been incredibly still stuck in their suffering. I've chosen myself every single time because there's a lot of embarrassment that comes up when it comes to the fact that I'm 46 and I'm living in an empty apartment and I'm sleeping on a [ __ ] air mattress and some days I I can barely afford to eat.

[00:25:37]There's a lot of embarrassment that comes behind that. And if you're a normal person, if you're a normie and I'm out in the wild and I come across a normal person, most normal people don't understand that or won't understand that or have a hard time understanding that. And it's just hard.

[00:25:58]Not to say that I'm embarrassed to be where I'm at, to be 46 and to be not financially stable and to be living in an empty apartment on an air mattress.

[00:26:07]Not to say that that's like embarrassing at all, but it's just not understandable. It's not a normal thing.

[00:26:16]It's not normal for most people to be in my position. And in order to truly understand it, I feel like you kind of have to understand it.

[00:26:27]I don't know if that makes sense. This is all wrapped up in this big whole bow of starting all the way over. me having to start over and build a brand new life from absolutely nothing now being 46 and it's being such a slow freaking process and I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

[00:26:46]And I wonder I wonder if I when the day comes where I do have these things and I have the financial stability and I have the things and the bed and a fridge full of food.

[00:26:58]I wonder if it will feel different. It's it's an interesting dynamic man. It is interesting.

[00:27:05]But I mean, if you don't know my story, it's hard to package it up in a little bow and be like, "This is me."

[00:27:15]It is so hard, man. It is so [ __ ] hard. Not to say it's impossible. Like, this has my whole brand. Nothing is impossible. And this is why too I I so wanted to start sharing my story and sharing this journey because I feel like so many times we see people especially in the recovery space pop up and be like well I used to not have any of this stuff and now I do and it's like well what about the journey like what did it look like while you were acquiring and losing and and what did the actual journey look like? So, this is what the journey looks like. And who knows how long it's going to take, but I'm sure there's going to be a video at some point in the future, maybe a year from now, where I'm sitting in an apartment with a bunch of stuff and a really nice bed and a fridge full of food and India has a bunch of toys. And who knows, maybe I have friends coming by. Maybe I have like a little dinner party. Maybe I'm having some sort of like fiesta. I don't [ __ ] know. Maybe I haven't. Maybe maybe I'll be in a relationship. I I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not completely against it. It kind of terri It ter It's terrifying.

[00:28:20]Absolutely terrifying.

[00:28:23]I wonder why they I wonder if it's a fear of rejection. I just had this thought. Oh, we're having breakthrough in real time here. I I wonder if it's a fear of rejection.

[00:28:37]I just got goosebumps.

[00:28:39]It's a safety issue.

[00:28:43]It's a [ __ ] safety issue. Me not feeling safe to be 100% myself out of fear of rejection with these new people. I mean, I guess it's possible for normies to understand.

[00:29:02]Maybe it's a fear of rejection.

[00:29:06]I don't know. I don't know, man. I'm going to shut up now. I'm going to eat some lunch, drink my coffee, and edit this video.

[00:29:14]It'll probably be up tomorrow. I love you so much. Thank you for being here, and I'll see you in the next video.

[00:29:21]Probably going to get stuck in the rain.

[00:29:25]Oh boy. I won't be long, mama. I won't be long.

[00:29:32]It's a wish.

[00:29:35]I'm only going to be gone for maybe an hour. Mommy's going to go to the store and get some protein, get some meat and some chickpeas and some cabbage. Yeah.

[00:29:48]I won't be long, babe. I won't be long.

[00:29:50]I promise. I promise.

[00:29:54]I promise. I'm going to get stuck in the rain, but it's okay. Oh, I got to get my rain jacket.

[00:30:00]I'm going to get stuck in the rain. I'm going to come back and do a video.

[00:30:07]Just left Walmart.

[00:30:09]I've been getting a whole bag of marshmallows for a dollar or 19 pesos.

[00:30:17]And it's raining and I have to pee really bad.

[00:30:36]I can hear you.

[00:30:38]Hello. Hi, baby.

[00:30:42]Where's the toy?

[00:30:44]Darren. Oh my goodness. Hi. Hold on. I got to put my stuff down.

[00:30:52]Hi, babe. Oh, it's windy.

[00:31:04]I know you're lucky in Mexico if you have [ __ ] window screens. That's for sure.

[00:31:11]Hi, babe. Hi.