Dependent Personality Disorder (Follow Up)(2021 Rerun)

Added: 2026-05-28

[00:00:00]Hey Dissirving listeners, it's just me today. I thought I would respond to a bunch of emails from you about dependent personality disorder. I recently did a deep dive on dependent personality disorder only available to patrons and a lot of you listened to that and had some questions about it. You want me to see if maybe your dad has dependent personality disorder, that sort of thing. So, I thought I would get into it.

[00:00:24]This is the Psychology in Seattle Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Kirk Honda.

[00:00:28]I'm a therapist and a professor and I've treated many people with dependent personality disorder.

[00:00:34]Anonymous patron writes in and says, "I'm wondering if my dad has dependent personality disorder.

[00:00:40]He has always been very gentle and kind, but quite unmotivated. He is extremely intelligent, but never accomplished much in his career. When I was growing up, he always had different low-paying jobs.

[00:00:53]Everyone always loved him wherever he worked and even though he loved us kids and was a thoughtful person, he never wanted to go to any of our sports games or performances or get involved with our schooling. My mom My mom had to do everything and I mean everything for the family. She was the main breadwinner, the social planner, and the house planner. And there were many arguments between my parents about this issue. My dad would seem cool and calm and then explode when he was pushed too much by her.

[00:01:25]Growing up, I had it in my head that he was sweet and loving, but lazy. I know his own mother was very controlling in many ways and had her own struggles with OCD. Could it be dependent personality disorder?"

[00:01:40]All right. So, it's possible, but before going into that, it's also possible that he suffered from depression or maybe even an addiction that you didn't know about.

[00:01:51]But certainly some people can be depressed or even socially anxious and that can cause them to So you So just to review some of the things that you said about him. You say he's gentle, loving, sweet. You felt loved by him.

[00:02:07]But he seemed unmotivated and lazy and never accomplished much accomplished much.

[00:02:15]He always had low-paying jobs and he wouldn't go to any of your sports games or your performances or get involved with your schooling, didn't really act like a parent. He was like a an uncle that happened to live in the house or a big brother that hasn't left the house yet. Because your mom had to do everything. She had to work hard, she had to do all the house stuff.

[00:02:37]And why would that be? You know, why would you have a sweet and loving father who just didn't accomplish much and and didn't seem to care. I I think by implication anonymous patron you're saying you're thinking that your dad just didn't seem to care about the responsibilities.

[00:02:54]Well, that it's hard to know. You know, so let's say if he was depressed. Well, he can be loving and caring, but it's hard to be motivated for one's career.

[00:03:06]And you might even have bouts of depression that interfere with your career.

[00:03:11]You might have bouts of depression that interfere with your ability even to leave the house.

[00:03:15]You could also have social anxiety or even OCD yourself and that could absolutely interfere with your career and interfere with leaving the house and going to games or you know, being responsible in a way that a that a parent usually is.

[00:03:29]But it also could be dependent personality disorder. It also could be uh other kinds of things, but it could be dependent.

[00:03:36]Meaning that But there's not enough information here, but just going off of what you're saying, uh it's possible that deep down he believed that he was incompetent and the world was dangerous. Why? Because you mentioned that his mother was very controlling and had a lot of anxiety with OCD.

[00:03:54]So, this is the breeding ground often for dependent personality disorder. It's a breeding ground for a lot of things, but it is the breeding ground for dependent personality disorder. Again, listen to my full deep dive on that, but one of the things that we find in the research and in my observations is that people with dependent personality disorder often have parents who are controlling or anxious or both.

[00:04:18]And what this can do is it can tell the child that one, you aren't capable of doing things on your own and you need me to do things for you. And two, the world is very scary place and without me, you are going to suffer or fail or die or something.

[00:04:35]So, when you're 10 years old and you believe one, that you can't do things on your own. You really you can't even choose what to wear. You can't choose what to eat. You can't choose who to befriend with. You are incompetent. You can't do anything without your controlling parent there, you know, leading you on every step of the road.

[00:04:56]And you also believe that the world is very scary and that the world is a very difficult place to navigate and thus you really really need someone that knows the their way around the world in order to protect you.

[00:05:11]So, having a mother that was like that could have been the breeding ground that for that for for your father.

[00:05:19]And then you see him as an adult and he is not really trying to do things, not because he's lazy, but because he actually believes he can't. He thinks he's actually completely incapable.

[00:05:31]And he might not And the thing about a personality disorder is that they don't have they don't have insight usually, meaning that they don't have insight into their disorder, meaning that you know, they don't they don't understand that their perspective of themselves is excessive or distorted.

[00:05:49]When they believe they're incompetent, you know, like say uh his wife your mom says, "Hey, you know, maybe you should try to work your way up to manager or something."

[00:05:59]And in his head, he immediately thinks, "That's not possible. I'm going to screw it up." Dependent people usually have that schema.

[00:06:07]And they'll just be like, "Yeah, no. Um I'm just I don't think you understand." But he might not fight back verbally like that because he's too shy or too ashamed or something. And instead, what he'll say is, "Why you always on my back?" or "I don't think I'll I'll get the manager job." Or he'll just ignore the question altogether.

[00:06:27]So, uh because people with dependent personality disorder often have a lot of shame.

[00:06:32]And there's also passive-aggressiveness, which could also be possible where as a child because you were beaten down by a controlling anxious parent, you have a lot of unexpressed anger, and you express it in these hidden ways, particularly towards people close to you. And as your as your mom was pressuring him to step up to the plate, he might actually say, "Okay, fine." and then passive-aggressively will sabotage himself or others so that he doesn't actually have to rise up rise to the occasion. And again, it's not because he was a jerk face, it's because he just believes he can't do things on his own. He he needs He he might have buried a woman who is very responsible because he fits well with that sort of person. And your mom might have married someone who was very irresponsible because she fits very well with that sort of person.

[00:07:22]All right. Let's go into another email, but first, actually, let me tell you that the rest of this episode is just for patrons of the podcast. So, if you want to listen to this, you have to be a patron of the podcast.

[00:07:31]This is, I guess, kind of a a you know, a follow-up to the deep dive on dependent personality disorder, which uh if you want to become a patron listen to that, then you can listen up for that, and then you can listen to this episode where I go through different cases that people are presenting.

[00:07:47]Uh there's it looks like there's about five or six others that I will be evaluating. All right. So, become a patron of the podcast and you get to hear this whole episode. And uh do so now if you want.

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[00:08:28]Do it.

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