why do i always want to be somewhere else?

Added: 2026-05-22

[00:00:15][music] >> I need to get the [ __ ] out of here.

[00:00:20]I've been thinking that pretty much every day for the last 5 years.

[00:00:24]And it doesn't really matter where I am, either.

[00:00:26]It just follows me.

[00:00:29]I thought it at home. I thought in the mountains, at uni, even on the other side of the world.

[00:00:35]And then every time I tried to change my life, I ended up feeling the exact same way.

[00:00:40]That feeling of always wanting to be somewhere I'm not.

[00:00:46]AKA, that grass is always greener thing.

[00:00:51]And it's a big problem, cuz it means I can't tell if my life actually needs to change, [music] or if my brain's just the issue.

[00:01:00]Right now, I'm back at home, in the same house, same town, same situation I was in when I first turned 18.

[00:01:07]And I'm still thinking the exact same thing.

[00:01:11]I really need to get the [ __ ] out of here.

[00:01:19]>> [sighs and snorts] >> I had no idea what I wanted to do when I first left high school.

[00:01:25]All I knew was that I wasn't happy here.

[00:01:28]The same people and the same conversations.

[00:01:31]So, I started imagining a completely different life.

[00:01:34]Living in the French Alps.

[00:01:37]I'd become more confident, find a job I love, and all my problems would just drift away.

[00:01:43]I thought I'd finally feel like I'd start adult life properly.

[00:01:47]And then I actually got there.

[00:01:50]>> [music] >> I went massive.

[00:01:56]I was definitely happier and way more social, but underneath all of that, it didn't solve the main problem.

[00:02:02]So, naturally, I started imagining the next life.

[00:02:06]Back in the UK at Loughborough University.

[00:02:12]Because that was where things would finally click. Where I'd actually start working towards something serious.

[00:02:19]And it worked for a bit.

[00:02:23]But looking back, that year at uni was probably one of the worst of my life.

[00:02:26]I never really found my people. I hated the place.

[00:02:30]So, I dropped out.

[00:02:32]And just like that, I was back to square one again.

[00:02:36]Thinking the exact same thing.

[00:02:38]I need to be somewhere else.

[00:02:40]So, I went back to the mountains.

[00:02:43]>> [music] >> Cuz if it didn't work the first time, it has to work the second time.

[00:02:49]Right? And again, I loved most of it, but the job was still pure [ __ ] I knew I had more to give than just cleaning toilets, but I still had no idea what that more actually was.

[00:03:02]And this repeated until the snow melted in spring, and I flew back to the UK.

[00:03:07]Back at home again.

[00:03:10]I got a job as a lifeguard at the local pool, which sounds fine, right?

[00:03:14]Until you realize 8 hours a day sat in a chair alone with your own thoughts is not an ideal situation to be in.

[00:03:25]Because every single day, I'm just sitting there thinking, "I'm wasting my life.

[00:03:31]I should be doing something bigger."

[00:03:35]And I swear that lifeguard chair really messed with my head. Or, I don't know, maybe it was the chlorine.

[00:03:42]Cuz one day, I randomly started posting daily vlogs on TikTok.

[00:03:47]Some of the hardest watches you'll ever see. But weirdly, for the first time, I actually felt some momentum building inside me.

[00:03:55]I stopped seeing some old friends then, partly because I was too embarrassed of posting those painful videos.

[00:04:00]And I also shaved my head.

[00:04:02]And then dyed it blonde.

[00:04:04]That lifeguard hair, man.

[00:04:06]But really, I think those videos opened my eyes to the fact I'm actually free to do whatever I want, and nobody truly cares.

[00:04:13]And without those dumb TikToks, [music] I know for certain I wouldn't be making these videos now. But anyway, yeah, none of that actually helped. The grass still looked greener everywhere else.

[00:04:24]I was even missing uni sometimes.

[00:04:28]I thought enough is enough.

[00:04:30]Clearly nothing is working here in my hometown.

[00:04:32]Or actually, this entire side of the world.

[00:04:36]So, I booked a one-way flight to Sydney, Australia.

[00:04:41]Because in my head, that was it.

[00:04:45]Like finally some magical [music] new chapter would begin.

[00:04:48]I'd hit the ground running, find my passion, my thing.

[00:04:53]But the truth is, when you move 11,000 mi away, with still not a single idea of what you want to do, it's still just the same you, with the exact same brain and the exact same thoughts.

[00:05:11]So, I eventually came home from Australia, feeling defeated once more.

[00:05:16]I needed to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.

[00:05:20]Which takes us up to the last 6 months, where I sat down and really tried to unlock what the hell I'm doing with my life.

[00:05:27]I knew it wasn't really about the place anymore, because I ticked most of the options off already.

[00:05:31]Home, mountains, uni, Australia.

[00:05:34]>> [music] >> And every time I ended up in the exact same position, thinking my life would be better somewhere else.

[00:05:42]So, I had to look deeper.

[00:05:44]And really, it It quite obvious.

[00:05:46]Every time I left, I was never chasing a better life.

[00:05:50]I was just running away from the discomfort of not knowing what to do with mine.

[00:05:55]Cuz it is a pretty terrible feeling to sit with.

[00:05:58]When you have this strong belief that you're here to do something bigger, to move the needle, make a positive change, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't find your thing.

[00:06:10]The only way I can describe it is like a hunger that never goes away.

[00:06:16]So, like I said, these last 6 months I've just sat with it.

[00:06:20]Just trying to get a whiff of how I might be able to make an impact. And the closest thing I've landed on so far is this, whatever this is.

[00:06:29]I guess it's just creating something that could bring joy, inspiration, hope, just just understanding, maybe.

[00:06:39]Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying.

[00:06:41]Um to what feels like a bit of a scary world at the moment. A little bit of an unknown world.

[00:06:48]At least for me.

[00:06:51]>> [music] >> And even after all of this, I still get the feeling.

[00:06:56]Every day I get the same thought asking, "Am I wasting my life here?"

[00:07:00]And it sends me into a spiral.

[00:07:02]But I don't think it ever fully goes away.

[00:07:05]And when I get like that, I kind of just remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, we're here for such a short amount of time.

[00:07:13]And even though it doesn't always feel like it, just being able to wake up and experience this life at all is probably enough.

[00:07:22]And that fear of wasting my life is bound to weigh heavy on my mind, but obsessing over it is surely a losing game.

[00:07:31]Of course, I still get the urge to just book a flight somewhere and disappear for a bit.

[00:07:35]I'm thinking about it right this second.

[00:07:38]Maybe I will.

[00:07:40]But I'd still be taking the same brain with me.

[00:08:00]The [ __ ] is that?