Factor 1 Psychopathy: My Childhood Finally Made Sense

Added: 2026-05-28

[00:00:00]Hey guys, these are the events that led to me being diagnosed with ASPD or factor one psychopathy. I've previously talked about this, but I've never really gone into detail. Today, you're getting all of it. As a kid, I was an absolute demon. And I am not joking when I say that. I don't know how I could be like that at 3 years old, but I was. And when I say bad, I mean bad. Not your regular sort of childish antics. I mean, talking about people being locked in rooms without food, without water to see how long they could survive. I did it because I wanted to see how long it would take before they would fatigue and call out or cry. They were fatigued and crying within 2 hours. So, it was not that exciting for me. I'm trying to be as honest as I can with this because a lot of people come to me and say that they have ASPD and they'll list off a couple of symptoms that pretty much everybody has and I don't think they understand the level of callousness you actually need as a child to behave the way I did or other psychopaths did and to see how it materializes as an adult.

[00:01:04]You need to do some pretty despicable things to be called and unemotional. And you need to do even more despicable things to get conduct disorder on your permanent record. I was a child myself and I borderline caused a lot of harm to other children. Some people would consider it to be torturous. I wasn't one of those people. I just wanted to see what would happen. I didn't understand fully. When I was called up on it, it was an innocent mistake. I was just playing. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I actually remember when I was little, my mom used to call me Shatan and I thought it would just meant naughty, but it means literally in Hindi it means Satan. Like she wasn't far off.

[00:01:43]And I always draw a parallel to Ted Bundy here because at three he sort of positioned knives around his aunt Julia who was 15 at the time. And people call him a monster immediately, but obviously no child is naturally a monster. But the behaviors of someone who genuinely has antisocial personality disorder are so obvious and so distinct that they cannot be watered down. Like these are things that would make people's skin crawl. And I don't want to do that. Okay? I don't want to make your skin crawl. So I'm not going into full detail. But I'm just saying it wasn't a normal childhood where you actually just, you know, have like play fights in the sand pit. It was never like that. From about age six to my teenage years, it got a lot worse. So that's when the shoplifting began and the stealing of people's belongings in general because people are really stupid and they leave their things unguarded all the time, especially other kids. So that was really easy. And the thrill of actually shoplifting, it became like a game. It was like a challenge that me and my friend got into. Um, and we would see how much we could get out of each store. And it was great. Once when I was little, I took money out of my dad's wallet. I took his notes as well as coins and then I was like, I don't know what happened. I said to him when he asked me that, oh, it must have fallen out. He's like, okay, a note could fall out or a coin could fall out. How did they both fall out? So, I was a little bit transparent then, but it continued without my parents knowing. If they had known, they would have been very, very disappointed and very, very angry. I don't aim to disappoint and anger my parents right now. I may or may not have taken a card, a credit card that I found lying around someone. I know that girl very well and I don't like that girl very much. So, after I went on a little spree and ended up catching up with her after, she was like, "Oh, I've lost my card. I don't know where it's gone." And I was like, "That really sucks. I don't know what's going on. It's so bad these days." And then she informed me that someone went on a shopping spree.

[00:03:43]Um, and I I just told her, "Why don't you call the police?" Because I knew realistically the police wouldn't do [ __ ] It was like less than $1,000. So, so I've talked about the girl that I pushed down the stairs. I've never really explained it. So, when I was in approximately year 8, I believe, there was this girl that was really pissing me off because she kept making comments in class that she could do better than me in English and also at maths. And it was just blatantly false. And I was really pissed off by it. Like, I was like, who do you think you are trying to challenge me here? Like, you get nothing of what I get. Go [ __ ] yourself. Anyway, so I got really pissed and I knew that she would come out of class at a certain time because she like to stay behind and chat with the teacher. Idiot. Anyway, I came out. I knew she would be at the top of the staircase at that time. That's why I gave her a little nudge down the stairs.

[00:04:30]So, she broke her ankle. She broke the feur of her thigh. I think she tore a ligament in the calf as well because it was like a long flight of stairs.

[00:04:40]Actually, was the kind of stairs that freaked me out. Uh, so I wasn't envying her or anything, but let's just say like she didn't see what happened. She blamed me, of course, and so I ran to the vice principal. I said that she was making very racist comments about me, which is actually quite funny because she was of a similar race, but they took that very seriously. And so she got suspended for a week. I don't know, it gave me a bit of joy. I was always really good at academics and I had a very high IQ. By the time that they tested at school, I think I was 14 or maybe 15 at the time, it came back with 139. I haven't tested again because I don't want to be disappointed with myself. But that really helped my rapport with teachers and also my rapport with the principal and my parents. Nobody could really believe that I would do violent things because I was so studious and I was so small. I was so easily soothed so I wouldn't need to react with violence in their opinion. My mom actually used to tell everybody that in kindergarten I was able to spell aquarium fully right in an exposition of us going to the aquarium as a class. I think that set the tone for my future. Being 10 was a turbulent time for me. I had just gone scouted as a child model. So I was in magazines. I was getting a lot of attention. I also got very ill from a medication that I had taken to remove iron because I get blood transfusions.

[00:06:00]And so I was in the hospital for a while. It was really [ __ ] Uh my mom stayed there the whole time like fanning me overnight cuz I couldn't take painkillers cuz of my liver. And that was brutal. It really fed the narcissism because everybody would spend all of their time around me, thinking about me, looking at me, taking care of me on modeling sets, being told that I was pretty all the time, being told that I was so special and unique and all of that stuff. And I was never actually really valued for me as me. It was me who could achieve a lot at school. It was me who could be in magazines. It was me who could use her acting abilities to get roles. So, it was always a lot of attention, mostly positive, sometimes negative if my parents were disappointed with something that I'd done at school in terms of academics. So, that was quite bad. But then in July, it got worse. So, I went to India with my mom and my whole family. Uh, and my grandfather still lived there. my nanny, my maternal grandmother, had just died uh probably like 6 months earlier and he and because my grandfather loved her so much, he got so sick after that. He he said he just didn't want to live on the planet without his his wife. There's a nickname in Hindi and I don't really know how to pronounce it, so I'm not going to say it. And so he was at this point where he was just clinging to life. On a Sunday, I remember I had this strange urge like telling me that I needed to go to his house. And I kept telling my mom, "Get out of bed. Get out of bed. Get out of bed. We need to go to his house." Cuz obviously in India, it's a patriarchal society. We live at my father's, you know, place. So I hurried my mom along. I'm like, "Let's go, let's go, let's go." She's like, "Why are you being so annoying?" And I'm like, "I don't know." And I just rushed her there. And so by the time we got there, it was only about 15 minutes by car. He was in the process of dying. He was comeomaos. like he was he would he could make sort of movements and whatnot and my mom's like oh here's Kenneka here's her brother um and he would be like she's like where's Kenneka and he would point with his finger and then he slowly died in front of my eyes and this was a grandfather that I really valued so it was pretty brutal he was a yogi he could do so much physically at that age like he could still become a [ __ ] pretzel he was doing yoga every single day he was ripped like he was in such good shape and he was 6' tall he had everything going for him and then yeah just when Nani died it was it was over for him and then after that in India there's this ritual where you stay with the body overnight and children are not meant to be there at all and it was the middle of summer so they had his body in the lounge and everyone was around him and they put blocks of ice on him and so we were awake the whole night and anytime the ice would defrost it would scare me because I thought he was waking up. I was actually excited. And I was like, "Oh my god, he's waking up." And then I saw my mom crying and that made me feel bad. Not the actual death itself. Seeing my mother cry, that felt like something. Nothing else felt like anything. It was just by the next day it was over for me. I didn't really care anymore. But I didn't want to see my mom hurting like that, if I can explain it that way. By the way, guys, I have a couple of things I'd like you to do.

[00:09:08]One, make sure you like and subscribe.

[00:09:10]Two, if you're interested in learning about manipulation and all of those good things, go to the consilium and join or purchase my book. There's nothing that will lead you astray in there. It's got brilliant reviews, but it got banned off Amazon, which tells you how valuable the info is. Amazon's such little [ __ ] I swear to God. Oh, and there's also plenty of free quizzes on my website about different personality types. So, if you think you might have narcissistic tendencies or sociopathic tendencies, that's the best place to go and check it. Kneek Rose.com. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've worked with psychiatrists and I've worked with my mind as a psychopath. So, let's just say we're covered on all ends. It's really kind of weird. I have this intuition or gut feeling that things are going to happen and then they do happen and it really pisses me off. Like I always like joke about like storms hitting, uh, cyclones, mudslides, all of them happened. I was actually saying it so I could get my friend to stay here longer.

[00:10:08]I was like, you know, no, no, no. You can't go back. There's going to be a cyclone. There was no cyclone planned.

[00:10:13]Anyway, a cyclone came, but she left just before. So, it didn't work out very well for me. Then there's something that's a lot more unpleasant to talk about, and that is domestic violence. I witnessed a lot of it. A lot a lot.

[00:10:24]especially in the wider family.

[00:10:26]Obviously within the nuclear family there was plenty. Um I was the only one who never got hit which was good. Like I mean I'd get beaten up if I did something wrong but that's fair enough.

[00:10:35]I don't think it's a problem to hit your kids as discipline. Like back then it didn't matter. So my grandfather, my paternal grandfather, he smashed a plate into my grandmother's face because she put onions in his food. My grandfather was so scary that his daughter, my aunt, would piss herself. literally pissed herself every time she went to see him because she was so scared of what he would say because anything she achieved he would say okay but why didn't you achieve this and she achieved a lot I mean she has a PhD as far as I'm aware in India it's a bit you know questionable sometimes there's also something that happened in my family that people don't talk about and that is my aunt baby her name was Ala but they called her baby and she had big green eyes and everybody loved her anyway she went off with a guy and he said he was going to marry her he didn't marry to her. So, she was seen as spoiled goods and mysteriously she caught on fire when she was 19 in the third floor of our house and she had thirdderee burns all over her body and she was taken to the hospital where she clung to life for about like 2 days. She begged my mom, my paternal grandmother, um the one that's died five times. Um, she asked her if she could get her a red sari, like a wedding sari to put on her before they cremated her, so she did that. Um, everyone is very conflicted on who did it. Many people think it was my grandfather. Other people think that it was the guy who didn't want to marry her. And my dad told me that his dad said that she was faking it. Yeah. So, she was pulling on a cord or something from a stove and she self- emilated or was threatening to self- emilate and then it just happened. That's the official story I get from my dad, but again, he reverses his dad and probably doesn't want him to be seen in a bad light. That man's a complete tyrant.

[00:12:25]Like, he almost hit me when I was like, I want to go to Nani's house. Um, and he loved me. Like, I this man literally, he would cry. He would cry if my mom didn't let me and my brother go for a walk with him every day when we were children, like small small children. My mom was like, "It's too cold. I don't want them going out right now." And my grandfather literally started crying and said, "Stop hiding my grandchildren from me." So, I couldn't reconcile how this man could do that and then almost hit me and then almost hit my mother and then have brutally murdered his daughter. It's all very wild. And now we get to the psychopath on my mom's side. I don't know how that one happened because Nani and Nana were both like standup people.

[00:13:05]Especially Nani like fabulous. Anyway, my uncle, he was 6. He's still alive.

[00:13:09]He's 6'2. He's very light-skinned.

[00:13:12]lighteyed everything very very handsome especially in Indian society uh so he managed to not only steal the wealth of his parents and hoard it forever and develop enemies in the mafia he also married five separate women at different times because they were rich and nobody wanted to marry them cuz they were ugly so he married them he took all of their money he fleeced all of them he knocked all of them up so that they didn't want to leave them and then he forced them to get abortions as soon as he was about to leave so he took took all of their money. Then he sold my maternal grandparents' home where I saw my grandfather die to three different people in cash. And this was a huge sum of money, okay? Gigantic. That house was worth a lot. He took all of that money and he fled to America and then married his childhood sweetheart and they both abandoned their children. Should he ever return to India, however, there is a warrant for his arrest and there's paperwork everywhere online. So, I'm not going to mention his name, but that's a psychopath on my mom's side. The psychopathy is much stronger on my father's side, I would say. Another fun fact that I think contributed a lot was that I wasn't allowed to cry. So, if I was crying when I was talking to my dad, he would tell me to go to my room. I'd have to be locked in my room and I couldn't come out until I was talking properly, which I like stunted my emotions a little bit. I'm not sure because I feel like a lot of it is just genetic what's happened in my family, but I feel like that didn't help, but it doesn't matter. I love my dad. I love him so much. And if you're watching this, I love you. Remember that. I love you so much and I miss you. Now, between the ages of 16 and 21 is when we get cooking, and I mean cooking. So, I found out that the best outlet for my rage, for my manipulation, for my cold strategy was politics. So, what did I do on my 16th birthday? I joined a junior political faction. I was vice president within 2 years. And then at my university club, I was vice president within one year. So, I was [ __ ] fantastic at politics. Like, I don't mean to boast and [ __ ] I know self-praise is no recommendation, as my mom says, but psychopaths thrive in the political arena. I was able to be on boards and committees that gave me a lot of power and gave my political faction a lot of power. Um, I made sure that people were there to vote when they had to vote. I was very good at pretending to be friends with people. So whenever we would get new recruits, we would be we would have the task of going to see them, talk to them, sus them out, see if they could be a good candidate for us in terms of someone who fits into the fold, someone who will do what they're told always because we weren't looking for leaders. We were looking for followers.

[00:15:50]And that's something really easy to do.

[00:15:52]So I would forge a fake friendship. Um, and I would tell them like, "Oh, you know, you're amazing. Blah, blah, blah.

[00:15:58]Let's go do this. Let's go do that.

[00:15:59]let's hang out. Instead, I was gathering intel. And so, the strategy was always become very organic in your friendship.

[00:16:07]So, start taking them out to coffee, taking them out to lunch and dinner.

[00:16:11]They start to feel welcome. They start to feel warm. They think that they're close to you, but they're not close to you and they're never going to be close to you because they're not a person, they're a number. Once we had vetted them, sent them off to the actual, you know, bosses that we would report to, I was done. If they text me again, they'd never hear from me again. Then obviously there are factions within factions. And I wasn't about to let my team get steamrolled by the libertarians. I [ __ ] hate libertarians and I hate the far right. I don't care what anybody says. I [ __ ] hate libertarians the most. So when they tried to stack my branch with libertarians on the hard right, I may or may not have been a double agent. I backstabbed a girl who had literally carried me on her back to events because my feet hurt from my heels. And it wasn't anything personal.

[00:16:54]I like that girl, okay? I I don't mind her at all. But I'm not going to let that happen. I'm not going to let them steamroll me. I'm not going to let them steamroll the entire faction that I help to build and grow. I'm very loyal to my faction, not to individuals. So, that was actually quite fun for me. Although, then I did lose all of my actual like semi friends in the party because they knew that I double crossed them.

[00:17:18]Honestly, they should have known that I'm loyal to my faction. It's it's really their problem and not mine.

[00:17:23]Because I was such a good social chameleon, my faction leader would constantly use me to infiltrate other factions. And I managed to do this really well. There was actually this time at university, I backed a candidate from far left and I said she was endorsed by me, someone known as right-wing at university, and that was to ensure that she got no votes. And she ran up to me. She's like, "Kena, why are you saying you're endorsing me? You don't endorse me." And I'm like, "Yes, I do. We're both feminists, aren't we? of course I endorse you. But really, getting a right-wing opinion and being supported by a right-wing candidate or a member of a party is the worst thing.

[00:18:01]That's social suicide at university where it's all leftist. So, that made sure that she did not win that election and she didn't win any election after that. And another interesting thing was discovering my bisexuality. You guys know I have a theory that all psychopaths and sociopaths actually have the natural inclination to go for both sexes because we're predatory in the apex predator way, not in the other way.

[00:18:24]Okay. Um and so at this time I realized that I was in such a conservative home that I wasn't even allowed to talk to boys, right? I couldn't talk to boys. So what did I do? I started talking to girls. And so I had quite a few relationships with women. I would have like usually three or four on the go at any one given time because I like to have attention. And I actually just loved them like being obsessed. So I wouldn't commit to them because I didn't want to because I didn't like them that much, but I thought they were pretty. So I was like, "All right, I'll go out with you. I don't give a [ __ ] Like I'll pay for your drinks. I don't I don't really care." And then I got what I want from them. And then I would just I guess discard. And I didn't mean to discard as cruy as I did, but I did do a fair bit of damage to the psyches. One of those girls actually moved to Spain. And then she told me like years after, like I think it was almost like 9 years that she was having dreams about me still.

[00:19:17]And I was like, I think there's something wrong with you. I don't I have this thing where there's no object permanence. So if people don't like don't appear immediately in my vision within like 2 days, I forget they exist.

[00:19:29]So when I thought she was dreaming about me, I'm like, "What a loon. Who does that?" I just assume these people are dead after a while. Like 2 to 3 days in my mind, dead. So, I'm a very impulsive and reckless person. I'm better now, but I was really, really bad. So, now that we're leading up to the diagnosis, I need to talk about some medical conditions. So, I have two main medical conditions. One is stalismia major, which means my bone marrow does not produce red blood cells. So, I get blood transfusions. And I get chronic migraines for which I get 32 injections of Botox down the back of my skull and my neck. I was getting such severe migraines every single day around the age of 21. I don't know was it karma maybe? Anyway, so I was getting those and I was in excruciating debilitating pain every single day. I told my GP, I told my neurologist, I told everybody. I told them it made me an invalid. Like I had no life. Everyone was going out and having fun and I'm in bed dying. Okay, people think that migraines are just headaches and they're not. They're [ __ ] not. Okay, so first is the pro drone when you start feeling tired, cranky, really really like uncomfortable generally. Then you go into the aura phase. That's one of the worst for me cuz I go like partially blind. Like I get that blind spot and the zigzag and everything gets blocked out and and then the excruciating pain. Like I'm I'm talking 9 out of 10 to 10 out of 10 kind of pain because back then they only gave me like neuropen. So anyway, my GP, my neurologist ignored it. They thought, "Oh, it's fine. It's just migraines. Who gives a shit?" It's like, I give a [ __ ] I decided I'm not going to live every day if every day is [ __ ] painful. If every day is going to feel like I'm getting smashed on the head with a glass bottle, I decided to end it. And unfortunately, when I tried to n myself, I did wake up. So I woke up in hospital and I was given the option of do you want to see a psychiatrist outpatient or would you like to be involuntarily committed? I think what we all know is that I saw the psychiatrist and there's a reason I was assigned to a forensic psychiatrist. When I say I committed crimes when I was younger, I am very serious that they would be considered crimes that would be adult time. I only had a few options and I am so glad I got the doctor that I did because he saved my life. Dr. Zang, you are the reason my life turned around. My doctor, he told me all the all of the stories of the prisons he worked in cuz he was primarily um working with prisoners, female prisoners, and he told me one threw a menstrual pad at him when she when he told her that she was not his patient anymore because she had developed an obsession with him. Anyway, so he would tell me, "Look, Kenneka, this is what you'll be facing if you keep going the way you do." He he treated me for 16 months. He told me, "I don't think the mind is fully grown until you're 25. And I think we can make the change. I think we can move towards a healthier framework and stop the stealing, stop the lying, stop the abuse towards others, stop being so spontaneous and going on trips that you can't afford and getting credit card debt." Um, and he never really did it with negative reinforcement. Like he would always positive reinforcement. He would always just make it feel like there was no judgment at all. Like it was just something objective as a problem that we both needed to fix together. And I'd never really been treated like that before cuz I was always like either treated as like a full child or like an adult who should have all responsibilities. So I never really got that, you know, middle ground. And it was nice to have it. and he worked through my the brain processes that I have. It's like I would rather die than be fat. I would rather die than be ugly. I'd rather die than be, you know, x y and zed. And he's like, you need to focus on things other than your looks and other than just your intelligence because then when you're older, you're going to collapse. And I think he's right. Honestly, I never thought I'd even live past 25. I never considered it. I just thought 25 would be the end. Like I I don't know how I'm still here, but I am. Um, also I have a hematologist who told me I won't live to make a certain age and I plan to email him exactly after I make that certain age. But Dr. Zang was so kind, so compassionate and just funny and like I got to boast about things that I had done and like he can't do anything cuz Dr. patient confidentiality. It's not like he can start telling the police things. Um, and like sometimes he would get an cheeky giggle but like nothing at like very severe events there talked about. He was very disturbed by those.

[00:24:05]Um, I actually caught up with him recently. We went on a television show together. Um, SPS Insight. It was about NPD and you'll see what a sweet and funny and like cute man he is. He's awesome. I really really like him. Um, everybody likes him. I see why he he has such a long waiting list. And so I actually caught up with him recently. So I had a teleconference with him because I was experiencing very severe rage. And I mean rage rage like acting out on it.

[00:24:34]rage and I can't have that at this point. So, he took the call and it was the best $800 I've ever spent. Anyway, he clarified that I do have factor one psychopathy because of the callous unemotional traits and also the conduct disorder from when I was a child. That was interesting to find out because when at the time of my first diagnosis, I had no idea what ASPD was. I never really looked into it. When I did look into it, it was like kind of makes sense. Yeah, I finally understand why I have to fake the emotions that people naturally have.

[00:25:06]And so with the factor one, I was actually quite shocked because I thought I was factor two, but uh nope. He said everything was very consistent and lined up with factor one. And that was very interesting to find out. That was something I wasn't expecting at all. Um and obviously he knows about the sadism and the boredom. He knows boredom is generally the worst thing like because that leads to sadism and so he wanted to do more frequent chats so that like I could deescalate but I already have like people in place to deescalate me. Um and if I ever get really angry I just me a pillow or like a plotties mat. I'm I'm very well managed at this point. You've got my full life story now. I hope you've enjoyed it. I I think I enjoyed it a little bit. I like talk shows about me. So, I need you guys to come and join me on the consilium where I have put together all of the info from my book, all of the info from up here, all of the info of the manipulations that have worked over and over again, and I've created a level of simulator where there's nothing too nefarious about it that it's just about manipulation and how to protect yourself from it, recognize it. And sub to your free will what you do with