Maintaining control and shifting blame preserves the ego.

Added: 2026-05-19

[00:00:00]Hello, it's me Jess. Welcome to my channel. I'm here with another message.

[00:00:03]This is a specific message. It might resonate with you, it might not. Okay, so just a heads up before we go diving into this message. I have been channeling this message for about a day and a half. And if you're familiar with my channel at all, this is one of those messages where spirit has definitely led me on a wild goose chase of information, as I like to call it, in order to fill in the gaps of my own knowledge and experience and have me revisit certain things that I am familiar with, but maybe I haven't thought about or revisited in a while. and also to introduce new things to me like new ideas or concepts in order to have me put all of those things together either in a new way. Just put all of those things together so that I can understand the message that spirit is trying to bring through because if spirit didn't bring me on that wild goose chase of information, I would misunderstand because I would just be missing like what it's trying to bring across if that makes sense. And I have done this for long enough now to know that this kind of message comes through in this way whenever our group like the collective or a significant portion of our our group here has either just had some type of breakthrough or is teetering on the precipice of making some type of breakthrough and therefore is calling this information forward. So, I do just want to acknowledge that I feel like there is some type of healing and some type of progress being made, but this is very much um like ego defense mechanism territory because this is the kind of thing where it's like it's tower energy.

[00:01:30]It's like it's ego death energy. It's who we thought we were and it can feel threatening. And so sometimes those those hackles want to come up, which is why I also wanted to give this heads up because I have been channeling this message for like I said about a day and a half. It's not all come together at once. I've had to sort of piece certain things together. So I have moments of like channeling or insight and I'll be like okay that's clearly a key pillar here and I'll write it down in my notes.

[00:01:54]So I very much have notes and I do that actually a lot um when I'm trying to build certain things I'll create like diagrams or vin diagrams in order to understand how spirit is saying like certain people places and things are like interacting with one another. And the reason I'm saying that here is because a I feel like suspicion is kind of floating around here in this situation. It maybe has been floating around, but we are starting to kind of scrutinize hopefully our own behavior and our own patterns that have kind of plugged us into the situation or caused a blind spot or something like that. But there's just a lot of scrutiny. And so, um, that's one way that our ego defense mechanisms can flare up is we can really latch on to and scrutinize the wrong things in order to not actually have to engage with the potent things. And that's just why I'm mentioning it is if at any point during this message it sounds like I'm reading off of my notes or I'm like struggling to read something, it's because I am. And I know that there's some people, especially as we're kind of trying to sort through this and we're in the thick of doing the work, that like your mind could hear that and latch on to it and say like, "Wait a second. Is she reading something? this doesn't seem like it's um like she's channeling it. Well, I did. I just channeled it before and I didn't want to forget. And to me, this is a labor of love. I've I've put a lot of energy in this. I've kept the notes.

[00:03:04]I've made the diagrams um in trying to bring this message forward in the best way possible. And so, hopefully in knowing that, you can engage that that scrutinizing mind that's coming through at this time because I feel it's very active and it should be um with the actual merit of the reading and honing in on things that are helpful. Of course, never take any message that's not resonating with you. If it doesn't fit, then it it really doesn't fit, you know. Um but that way you can free yourself up to actually scrutinizing the the merit and the quality of the information that's um being brought through because that's how the healing is going to happen and that's how the progress is going to be made. And all of this is a very human human experience.

[00:03:39]Okay. So, with that being said, let's go ahead and dive into this message. Now, this very much deals with a situation that I feel like from one angle or another, we've been dealing with or processing through for um for quite some time. And I think this particular situation though has to do with an accusation.

[00:03:55]And I actually feel like there's been two accusations here that have come from two different people or two different sources. And what I want to hone in on here is that one of these accusations is what I want to call credible. And what I mean by credible is that it's the accusation itself is actually grounded in some type of reality and facts. and the accusation is not grounded in emotion. So that doesn't mean that there's not emotion there or that this wasn't a highly emotional situation because if there's an accusation, it could be that somebody has done something wrong, something where something needs to be like investigated.

[00:04:32]And I don't necessarily mean in terms of court because I do think this is a situation that it somehow involves a group. Like I think that other humans have been appealed to by one or both of these individuals in order to kind of mediate or help bring justice to the situation. But in order for justice to be brought to the situation, these accusations, um, these statements need to sort of be evaluated against reality and fact. And so, one of these accusations, whether it's right or wrong, is actually grounded in reality and fact. It's grounded in actions that did occur. Um, whether or not those actions like were in alignment with somebody's intentions, like all that needs to be discussed, but the actual accusation is grounded in reality. In fact, now there's another person here though where their accusation is more of a self-defense. And I want to say it's a self-defense through I think mostly deflection, but it could also be projection, but like one of the two. And what I mean by deflection is that they've made an accusation in order to get the heat off of themselves, in order to get the scrutiny off of themselves, in order to get people not to look at themselves or not to look at themselves in a certain way. And that may have contained some like level of projection or it might not have. So projection is when you take your own negative traits, intentions, and you project it out and you say, "Oh, no, that's how that person is." And so it may have involved that, but it may have um nothing to do with that, especially if this person who is making this accusation through self-defense, meaning that it's really not credible. It's not grounded in reality and facts. With this person, I feel like this accusation is grounded in emotion, right? So um and that's something that needs to be kind of sifted through. But this person who has made this kind of self-defense accusation, they could have done that first. So they could have gone on the offense because they kind of thought through a situation and realized that they needed to get out in front of something because somebody could destroy them if they just spoke the truth about their interaction, you know, with with this person or something like that. So they could have gone on the offense and made made the first accusation, but they also could have made a defensive accusation after somebody came forward with an accusation about them. And whoever came forward with this accusation, it may not have even been meant as an accusation. Like they might not have been trying to bring forward a court case or something, but they may have just stated something that occurred in order to get protection, get justice, um, in order to appeal like to a group or something here like that. So, so this has created some type of rival stories here. These two accusations which has created drama and the person who levied an accusation that is not rooted in fact and reality but instead is some type of self-defense mechanism through this deflection that is the person that created this drama. Because the other person, they're acting in self-defense.

[00:07:17]They should not self-abandon. They they should stand up for themselves. They should stand up for the truth. But when you're dealing with this type of person in this type of situation, that all gets kind of sticky and that gets uh kind of hairy and that's that's the point. So, whoever has done that um whoever has deflected through their accusation has created drama. And as we've been exploring on the channel, drama is a tool for for this person who levied the false declaration because it creates attention. It creates confusion and it also provides an opportunity for them to shape a false narrative and like that's based on their false persona and like put that actually forward and with enough energy behind that it may be able to rival or overtake reality and that is is the benefit that this person is um receiving because the true self and like the actual reality of the situation would be rejected. But I think it's um more accurate to say that their behavior would be um rejected and their behavior would be scrutinized. But this person feels that that would lead to a rejection. And I think some of these people do have a history of rejection because there's a negative pattern of behavior here that that is being unearthed um or it's meant to be unearthed um if they are dealing in truth and able to kind of like view this. So this entire situation is all about needs because with this false accusation person getting their needs met is a kind of war and it's like a hostile act. They don't have healthy ways of getting their needs met. And in this case, I think that they have a they have needs that they're not speaking about directly. They're not saying, "Well, I have a need for relationship. I have a need for acceptance. Maybe they have a need for admiration. They have a need for attention." They're not saying those things directly because they're acting out. And they know that if they said that directly again that their their behavior would be scrutinized where people would be like legit and saying, "Okay, well, we need to find a healthier way for you to get attention because you have just hurt another person and you've scrambled the group up into some type of like frenzy." So, this is antisocial behavior. This is non-ooperative behavior, but it's fueled. So their needs here and the the way in which they go about getting their needs met which is this very warlike Mars selfish kind of energy. It it's they they have this need for acceptance and social sociability in relationship but then it's fueled by anger and jealousy and resentment somehow overbeing rejected like in the moment or just this feeling just a feeling of being rejected um no matter how healthy rejecting them and their behavior actually was. So they're non- cooperative in their behav in their behavior. Okay. And this is where I was healing hearing um the word agreeableness and I associated that with the big five in terms of personality and looked it up and um the big five is characterized by kindness, cooperation and empathy. So I really actually think that this somehow was the trigger for this person because I actually think that they are low on those um traits.

[00:10:14]Now, this is where we'll talk more about this as the reading progresses, but um it's either overall now personality in psychology is a pattern of behavior over a long period of time. So, for some of these people, they're low on um agreeableness in their actual personality. For others, I do feel maybe this is like some kind of one-off trigger. I'm not trying to give this person like an out here cuz I can this, you know, this person really wants to deny this, you know, that this exists in them. But it could well be that um there's been some type of specific trigger here where because of the frenzy and the panic, they're not looking at their behavior. They're looking at their behavior through this lens of desperation, which kind of becomes their justification. It becomes a matter of survival instead of um thriving and like building of of genuine community. And so they're just not looking at their behavior and the impact of their behavior at all because it wouldn't be kind. It's definitely not cooperative.

[00:11:09]And having any kind of empathy would just like really shut that down. So in some way they were triggered by somebody who was high in this um big five trait of agreeableness. So somebody who was very kind, cooperative and empathetic.

[00:11:20]And I think that's somehow coupled with rejection. So it could be that this kind of person who is very kind, cooperative and empathetic rejected them which would I think um this person's mind is like equating with the ultimate failure because this person has a weird way that they are engaging with um empathy and again we'll unpack that as the reading goes on but um they think this this person who is kind and coperative. It's like they are they're super nice. So, if that super nice person rejects you, then you're the ultimate failure in a way. And it just kind of like holds up that mirror here to this person that they're trying to really run away from. Um, but it also could be that someone or something else um rejected this person and then maybe they saw this person who is is kind and cooperative and empathetic and they're not having a hard time like they're seemingly successful or they're just they see them just enjoying themselves at the party or something like that. And it just sends this person into some type of uh frenzy out. And they they feel like this person's an easy target to take their rage out on um for their dramatic for their little drama strategy here because they think this person's so kind and cooperative that they won't actually put their foot down and say, "What are you doing?" and like actually talk about their behavior and say, "Your behavior is wrong." That instead they think that they will be able to take out their rage or their drama or like kind of deflect this blame and that this person will absorb it and be the doormat. Um, and we'll talk about that more um here in in just a second. But um, this all brings me to what I think kind of happened and played out here in this situation where this highly emotional person and that's kind of how I would um, categorize it. Again, either overall in their personality for these people or this is like acute to this particular situation, but there's what I want to describe as like a highly emotional person, somebody who like their foundational energy, they're running on emotion. I think there's another person here that I would describe as logical, not necessarily highly logical, but they are sticking to the facts and reality. And this person has like a an interest or a proclivity in that. And it doesn't have to be an extreme interest, but this highly emotional person here um has already justified this strategy that they're using because in their mind, if this drama strategy where they're going to pitch up into some type of crisis or they're going to cause some type of accusation here um and accuse this person of doing or being something bad, right? So, if that doesn't work, meaning it doesn't bait the person that they've accused into capitulating and oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And it puts them on the back foot. It puts them on this begging energy like, "Oh no, I didn't really mean it." In a way, that's kind of manufacturing agreement like from their perspective. It's not really, but that's kind of like what this is sort of meant to do. So, they've kind of created this justification um through their high emotionality. And notice that I'm saying emotional here and I'm not saying empathetic because those are in fact two different things.

[00:14:07]the spiritual community could do way way better at um distinguishing between those two things because being pulled every which way by your emotion and other people's emotions that's it's not empathy. That's actually a very problematic sort of trait and it leads to these kind of dramatic erratic behaviors that kind of categorizes cluster B. Um whether that is uh like through your own behavior or just through enabling other people's behavior and not actually checking it. Um we kind of need that logic energy and we need the factf finding energy. Um, and and you'll notice that highly emotional people like this, they'll usually say that if you use any kind of logic, um, to try and sus out the reality of like what actually happened, they they again flare up and they act like the victim.

[00:14:47]You know, they they say, "Oh, you you're denying me my justice or you don't believe me or this or that." When actually it's a person and a group.

[00:14:55]Because I do think that there's something here about a group that you need multiple. You need many of these kind of people that I'm about to describe here in order for the group to be healthy. They have to be able they have to show their ability to actually find the reality in the situation because that is how everybody in the group not just this one situation that this person has kicked up between them and another person but that's how everybody in the group can trust the group can trust the safety of the group here which is another unmet need because we've talked about this person who is really tyrannical like this person who is highly emotional they've you weaponized their emotionality in order to basically be a tyrant and these are abuse tactics like this is incredibly isolating And we'll again we'll break that down as we kind of move further here into the reading. This is very very um uh tyrannical because they I kind of lost my train of thought there. But essentially you've got a per they just want to be right and they want to be capitulated to. And we t that's what I was saying. We were talking about their needs. They have a need for love.

[00:15:57]They have a need for um you know community and I don't know maybe even for admiration or to be seen. And that's what's driven this very maladapted behavior. So, you can hold both of these things in your hand and say, "I understand that you have a need to be social, to be um accepted and uh to be maybe even like admired." And it's triggering for you when you see somebody else that um is able to fulfill that need for themselves in a healthy way.

[00:16:18]But just because you have that need doesn't mean that you get to go about it in a way that is disgusting, in a way that is harmful to people. We have to fix the way so that you can go about meeting your needs in a healthy way that doesn't harm people, so that you don't become a tyrant. So, we were talking about that person's needs, but we didn't talk about the person that they attacked because the person that they attacked um they have needs in this situation as well. And I think their need is they need to for something to be dramaree here. They need to have a way of um they need to have a kind of communication and a way of solving problems between them and this person and like within this group that is non-dramatic. They have a need for peace. They also have a need for reality to win the day here where this group and where this person who has accused them. And where this group says, "Well, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on." Like, we can't just be agreeing with people because they're highly emotional or because we can sense that they're desperate or because, you know, we kind of feel bad for this person because we know that they have needs, but you know, they're always kind of being rejected because they have this poor way of going about it. You have to deal with it directly. You have to deal with it at the root. You have to actually teach a man to fish. Give a man a fish, he'll eat, he eats for a day.

[00:17:25]Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. teach this man to fish or this lady to fish. Teach them how to meet their social needs and they might not let you because this person is trying to hide this. They don't want to really like do the work here. So, like I said, I actually feel because part of this drama is that um there's been a spectacle created here in order to draw other people into the drama because I think one of the needs here is like they need attention or they need to be seen in a certain light that is not true to their personality. And the irony here is that they've attacked somebody who is genuinely I think um what did I say?

[00:17:54]Kind, cooperative, and empathetic.

[00:17:56]They're high in that agreeableness and they have to rival they have to uh draw doubt on that person being kind, cooperative and empathetic in order to rival them in order to tear them down.

[00:18:05]And you could only do that when it's not rooted in reality and it's rooted in your own high emotionality. If you have to leverage your own non-aggreeable traits, your own antisocial traits, you have to leverage unkindness. You have to leverage non-ooperation. You have to leverage unempathy in order to be able to do that for any length of time at all. And that's what this person is um and that's um what this person has done.

[00:18:33]So the way that they have enacted their plan though is I feel that there's two people here on this kind of like more emotional side of the scale. So you have this highly emotional person that I think is maybe a very reactive person and they really are kind of narcissistic. Now, I don't know if this rises to clinical levels of narcissism, but they're self-absorbed, especially um around this like kind of wounding.

[00:18:52]They're non-empathetic, and they're very tyrannical, and so they're kind of they're going to suck people into their drama. In other words, their shared fantasy, which is kind of what narcissists do. But again, narcissism can be at the level of personality disorder, but it can also we all have narcissism is a base trait, and we all have like we all have certain levels of narcissism, and whenever we get triggered or whenever we feel like on the defense, then levels of narcissism go up. So again, this could be like an isolated situation or an overall part of this person's um pattern of of their personality. But the way that they've gone about doing this or the way that they do go about doing this is they find another person that is also on this emotional side of things. It's not saying that this person doesn't have logic or doesn't sometimes believe in logic or would like to kind of get down to this, but for whatever reason, they can be pushed into agreeing even loosely with the sentiment that you hurt me and therefore you need to make amends.

[00:19:47]So, it sounds nice on the surface, but no, because if I get upset and I get all worked up and I I'm mad at you and I'm like, "Well, you slap me in the face, but here's the thing. you didn't slap me in the face and you've got uh between these two people and maybe even like a group trying to make right the situation. The right way to deal with the situation is not to have you apologize to me for slapping me in the face when you did not slap me in the face or it's not to have me you capitulate to me, right? In order to try and people get uncomfortable around high emotionality because anything can happen, right? It's I'm crazy, right?

[00:20:19]Like you don't you don't I might lash out. I might accuse you of something, right? Um and everybody is trying to hold on to their own identity as a good person or whatever. So, um, the wrong thing to do would be to have you apologize to me for doing something that you didn't do. It also disintegrates trust in the group because the group has to be able to hold to truth and to be able to hold to reality.

[00:20:39]Otherwise, it's just just going to get whipped around by this person and anybody else who's going to notice that this is a group that can be um whipped around by just high emotionality. So, the way to solve this is you have to deal with the person who you'd have to deal with me in the example that I gave where I'm like, "Oh, you slapped me and you didn't slap me." You'd have to deal with me. You'd have to say, you'd have to make sure that I understand reality.

[00:21:00]You'd have to be able to get me back to reality. Do you understand that they didn't slap you? Because I might understand it, right? And I might have just said it. I might have just lied because I thought I could get away with it and because I wanted that person to be punished or I was trying to frame that person cuz it suited me in some type of way. You have to be able to get to the root of what exactly is going on here. And then you have to be able to deal directly and truthfully with that root. And that has not been able to occur in this situation and with this group in particular. And that has to do with attachment styles and insecure attachment. And for this next section, I do just want to shout out Heidi Prieb.

[00:21:32]Um her channel is a goal mind. She is a wonderful person and she just has ways of describing these things and like her uh videos on the drama triangle are ones that I revisit over and over and over again. And she just does such a great job of describing that. I'm just going to take a brief um second here and then I'll be right um and then we'll come and we'll talk about these kind of different mindsets and how they've uh played out here. Okay. So now let's wade into the social dynamic that I think played out here in this situation and potentially other situations in your life as well rooted in insecure attachment. So that is anxious attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, dismissive avoidant attachment. All three are anxious attachment styles that in their own way can struggle to meet their needs directly and therefore form insecure bonds with other people. And we all tend to find each other as well, which is how these patterns that started early in life, like in your family environment, can play out in other friend groups that didn't even know your family. is because we have our own adaptations that have solidified over time in these insecure attachment styles. So, we have our ways of initiating and reacting and relating in order to meet our needs and it plugs right in with these other insecure attachment styles. So, there's a pattern that plays out kind of beneath the surface, meaning like in an unconscious way. It's not like very directly seen.

[00:23:00]And it has everything to do with the way that needs are are being met here. You could have more of a dismissive avoidant that thinks that they don't have certain needs. Oh, I'm just not a very emotional person. I don't have this need or that need when they do. It's just it's repressed and they have ways about kind of going about meeting that that are more indirect or they'll use a partner to kind of meet that need, but it'll be like entirely unconscious. Or you could have more of a person who's skewed anxious in their attachment that will probably be aware that they have a certain need but also have a little more social awareness that if they were to state their need and especially the way that they're going about getting their need, if they had to stand 10 toes down in the light of day on that, they have enough social emotional awareness to know that that would never fly. So they hide the real need that they are trying to meet and then they lead with something else in order to be able to effectively meet that need for themselves. that makes any sense. So over time those ways of relating and communicating can build up and they can give rise to confusion and which can give rise to problems and resentments and even boil over into these kind of dramatic situations which I feel like may have happened here. And I want to look at this from this perspective in this particular situation that we're unpacking of this highly emotional person that I've already said they have this like driving I don't know belief or like thesis statement almost of you hurt me and therefore you need to make amends. And I feel like, you know, this ties in with the accusations that we opened the reading with, these kind of two opposing accusations that has to do with you hurt me and therefore you need to make amends. But with this highly emotional person, I feel like this is not rooted in fact and reality and is instead rooted in a kind of emotionality. Because this statement, if you just take it on its head, right? You hurt me and therefore you need to make amends. Well, sometimes that can be true and sometimes it can be not true. But the the people and the people in the group like the group and the people in the group need to have ways of communicating that are probably direct and are trying to get to the root of the problem in order to like sus out the validity of that statement. But when you're dealing with a highly emotional person, it can be asking those kinds of questions or being more direct or just like questioning their emotional narrative. They'll lash out at you and they'll accuse you of being unempathetic, unkind, not cooperative.

[00:25:33]They'll accuse you of hurting them. It's this kind of convoluted game. So, you can never really like kind of sus out.

[00:25:39]But in this case, they're also throwing an accusation at somebody else. So, it means that this group better not touch this problem. they better not um get down to the brass tax and the root cause of it because I think that um it it centers around this word hurt, but it's also like you hurt me. That that is the problem that this group would need to be able to sus out or this like other person. Um because sometimes uh especially when you're dealing with insecure attachment styles, that hurt energy can be a trigger energy. And as Heidi Prieb says on her channel, a trigger is confusing the past with the present. So, it may well be that someone here is experiencing some type of hurt, but it's not actually rooted in the present situation. It's a situation that they entirely misread emotionally because they didn't actually heal a situation from their past. And as the saying goes, if you don't heal from the past, you if you don't heal, it's something like then you'll bleed on those who didn't cut you kind of a thing. Um, and it could be that whoever hurt this person in the actual past was like scary and unapproachable. So when they find somebody here who is in some way like triggering that same wound, but that person is kind, like high in agreeableness, right? Kind, cooperative, and empathetic, they actually feel like they can lash out at this person and they think that like their subconscious thinks that's going to remedy their hurt and it actually won't. Another way that that could be kind of offbalance that you'd have to kind of sus out here through like having a direct conversation or asking some type of um direct question and it's not necessarily like, well, is that true? Like because again you're dealing with ego defense mechanisms and the subconscious. You kind of have to like help this person like explore certain things that they're um stating this like you hurt me kind of quality. You know you hurt me and therefore you need to make amends because there are certain situations where no doubt somebody here is feeling hurt which is highly emotional but it is coming from an irrational place. And it could be um their assessment of the situation is wrong. And I think maybe this is true especially of like the anxious attacher because um there can be a lot of um there can be moments of safety in like anxious attachment childhoods where like they could have like a um a safe parent like for the most part. But the inconsistency maybe comes in because we live in a capitalist society that puts profit over people that may have demanded that this person's parent works away from home out at sea for, you know, several months out of the year. Whereas that parent's actually safe and whenever they're around, things are really good, but the child can't fathom the system that we live in, the complexities of that. And so the emotionality and the hurt just takes over and they know they have a safe parent. And so probably a few times when they lash out and say, "You hurt me. you're never around and that parent that parent would also like to be around cuz they've also been hurt by the system. But in order to see that that you actually have a good egg on your hands here that has also been hurt by the same blade that cut you, you would have to have high agreeableness. You'd have to in your logical assessment of the situation that's well-rounded and holistic. You would have to look through a lens of kindness. You'd have to look through a lens of cooperation. You'd have to look through a lens of empathy.

[00:28:35]So, you'd have to be able to put your your um self in your parent shoes and say, "My god, they were such a good person. They love me so much it broke their heart that they could never be around. It really wasn't their choice.

[00:28:43]We were both slaved and encaptured by the same system and I don't have a place for my hurt to go because the system is never going to apologize to me. So I lash out on my safe parent which is really just a control move and a domination move and it's a way of kind of getting that person to forever be making amends, you know. So there's something here like that where it it could be that's one of the ways that this could kind of play out where the efficacy of that statement you hurt me and therefore you need to make amends might not really hold water that what I the the situation I just described that's better say like if you were saying it accurately you would say I am hurt and it's not that you need to make amends I'm just I'm so hurt and I don't have anywhere for this to go because you were hurt too and you didn't mean to as well. The only thing that we can really do is, you know, try to enact systems and um standards and laws that put people over profit so that other families and other relationships are not burdened by this when they both love each other and would like to be there for each other, you know, um kind of a kind of a thing. But I also feel that there's the other side of the coin where again, one of these people in in whatever accusation that they've made, that accusation is actually grounded in reality. And I think that person, you can trust their reality. You can almost trust their logic a little bit more that they're flushing this through because they have already run this through this filter of they've been empathetic in their approach. They've been cooperative in their approach.

[00:30:12]They've been kind in their approach. So, this is somebody who maybe tried to make it work with somebody for a long period of time or they were very favorable in their estimation. This is somebody who can say, "Well, yeah, you hurt me, but I bet you know, maybe you were dealing with problems on your own." So, they give somebody here a second chance. see how that's like very empathetic. They put themselves in that person's shoes, but then like the behavior kind of just didn't change. And so at some point they realized, no, you know, you hurt me. You need to make amends. And you can deal with the reality of that or you cannot.

[00:30:40]And it's just as simple as that. And they needed to kind of walk away.

[00:30:43]Whereas this person who has hurled the false accusation at a person like that is not giving them their that charitableness and they've then turned somebody's reputation here into the battleground.

[00:30:56]which flies in the face of again somebody's needs of there needing there to be safety, needing for there to be a non-dramatic approach. Uh but that means for somebody to be able to own their you know, and and they also need to know that they're in a place where reality kind of reigns. So, um whoever has like again had this like sort of victim mindset, I think that they kind of felt rejected. They maybe did something provocative. this like highly emotional person in this um victim mindset. They hurled this accusation that they know is on some level is um and that they did it to kind of deflect and to try to save face or something here. And in some way it might be built on a misguided rescuer fantasy where they've either presented an opportunity for somebody to step in and rescue them based on their their narrative the frame that they have kind of given that they would have outlined in a victim rescue or persecutor kind of way. they would have assigned those roles. So they would have left the door open for somebody to step in and rescue them. And in some cases um where this is maybe really warped um like it it could be that this person is like accusing the person that they want to step in and and rescue them from them even though like they've accused them of being abusive or whatever. It again it does not hold logical weight cuz if you truly believe that somebody's like abusive that's not the person to save you. You need to save you or you need some type of outside help you know. But so they're asking them to kind of abandon reality and abandon their own their own self-defense in this situation. They're asking them to self-abandon, which is, by the way, the ultimate power move. That is about domination. To get someone to abandon um their own self- responsibility and also to abandon reality and then join, in this case, I'm going to say the narcissist in their shared fantasy.

[00:32:40]because this person's in a narcissistic mindset if they're not an outright narcissist. It is about power. It is about control and it is about domination. But then I have to kind of when I was sorting through this like ask myself no because the way this is coming through is that this person genuinely believes themselves to be a victim. And I just keep thinking how could that be?

[00:32:58]Their argument is based on emotion. It doesn't hold up to like the logic here.

[00:33:04]And it can be that way I think because the translation of hurling this accusation and again leaving the door open for either them somebody to rescue them or for them to rescue somebody else which um is this what I've been calling a reunification ritual which stands in place of making amends. So the translation of that of that this accusation drama strategy is I'm hurt because I threw drama at you and you didn't take it as the reunification ritual that I meant it as.

[00:33:36]So this is this person focusing on their intentions but focusing on everybody else's actions. Not actually dealing in reality. Not actually dealing in the brass tax of their own actions. Right?

[00:33:44]So, you didn't take it as the reunification ritual that I meant it as because I was triggered and I felt emotional in a way that I needed to look at and take responsibility for and be honest about and communicate that honestly and communicate that directly and communicate unemotionally because if this person was triggered emotionally, they need to have ways of bringing themselves back down to baseline. This person seems a bit lost in the sauce to be honest. But for a lot of these people, this is a strategy. This is why with with narcissists when you start to recognize that pattern you have to gray rock and you have to not feed that emotion and you have to leave a because feeding the emotion it's like that a like that's what they want you know and so you really can't give them what they want. They have to learn that that's not an appropriate way of getting their needs met. But also this is a strategy that if you engage with it it will win.

[00:34:34]And this is a strategy all about muddling up reality. This is a strategy that if you engage with it, it will win.

[00:34:43]It's effective. This is a maladapted adaptive behavior. And you just have to be honest about that. So, like I said, if this person's really on the road to healing and they really understand that like, well, I was triggered and I was emotional and I'm hurling an accusation that is really based entirely in my own emotionality and it really doesn't hold water to logic and also I didn't bring it through a a something that would the logic that this person would apply is logical fallacies. they would create a straw man about this person or about the situation. Um there's a lot of different things that the way that they could kind of like distort this like a you know a red herring kind of thing. Um but if they're serious about actually healing and they're serious about actually having this like healing productive direct conversation this person would not be in emotional state because their emotion is the problem.

[00:35:31]It's not that they can't like, you know, have their emotion, feel their emotion, process their emotion, but to let that be the the the grounding of a false accusation in order to this is about domination.

[00:35:48]This is about saving face. Again, like I was stating earlier, it creates an opportunity for attention and confusion and an opportunity to shape a false narrative that with enough energy behind it can rival and overtake reality.

[00:36:01]that's what this person is doing.

[00:36:04]And this kind of pattern where like this person isn't really familiar with reality. They don't have good um skills to get them in touch with reality. Um it could be that their parents were like overly coddling of them when they were young because I kind of get for a lot of these people that they were struggling socially and or emotionally when they were little. And there could have been some type of comparison energy either to another sibling or just to other kids their age. And so it caused like the parents and the teachers and maybe even some other kids around this person to feel bad and to to want to side with them out of a um false sense of fairness of saying like well we always side with soand so. No, you always side with reality and that's what you should side you know. So, like like I was saying, if they're being compared to another sibling or something, you know, and that sibling is, I don't know, maybe a little older or like more logical in some type of way. And so, when they have a problem with this sibling, the parent might start to feel bad like, oh, well, so and so is always getting in trouble. So- and so is always the one that we have to kind of address. Yeah, because so- and so is the one with the problem. And so, the problem needs to be seen for what it is at the root. This is a child that's struggling to be like kind of on grade level socially and or emotionally. This is a child that is struggling to get their needs met in a healthy, direct way. So, we need to be able to teach this child how to do that. And that's not through punishment, but it is through like holding some type of strong boundary. They need to kind of learn that reality is king here. And we we are not siding with your sibling. We're siding with the truth. We're siding with reality. But I feel like this is sort of lazy parenting or this is like lazy mental I don't know. And and I think this parent probably says, "Well, I'm just so empathetic. That's why I, you know, give my little kid an ice cream cone whenever they blame their sibling for something that they didn't do or, you know, whatever. But I just feel that somewhere along the line, whoever is doing this learned that they don't have to be in touch with reality that if they pitch up into a high enough emotional crisis, everyone will bend to their will and it's just okay. So that becomes so so again I want to really just highlight here before I move on to this other side of it that this is something of a reunification ritual which stands in the place of making genuine amends. This is not a person who knows how to make genuine amends. They only go through this dramatic reunification ritual in order to kind of make things okay and again get their needs met which is healing. They have a need for healing.

[00:38:22]They have a need for friends. They have a need for closeness. So this will kind of do it where they can kind of skirt around the root cause of the issue. They don't ever have to change. Maybe they promise change. Maybe they kind of, you know, give lip service that they they understand what's going on here. But this is a reunification ritual in place of making making um genuine amends because if they were to make genuine amends in this situation, they would have to realize that they need to be dealing with reality and logic instead of drama and fantasy.

[00:38:48]And if this person is not willing to do this, you have to just kind of call it like like you see it. This is not a health. this is not a safe person to be around. You're never going to get anywhere. This person, I think, would say, "Well, we have to fix this." Or, you know, things like that. There is no fixing this. They don't have this. They They don't have the ability. They don't have the framework. They don't have the And it's not that they can't build it.

[00:39:05]But they do have to build it. And trust me, this will take at least three years at least. And that is with like very intensive. This is going to take this is on I say that because it's on a timetable of years actual years where this person needs to be like in therapy and and allow this is also the kind of person that will be very slippery in therapy because they sort of make a mockery of the tools that good faith actors and again they might not mean to like this is at the end of the day a human being who is trying to get their needs met and that is sad but you can hold that sadness and you can reject the behavior you know and I I think this person would conflate that to be honest with you. I think for a lot of you if you really held a strong boundary this person would say I don't know will they just reject me because they're such a this or such a that when really you're rejecting the behavior and this person will not relinquish the behavior and so yeah they get rejected too. They don't get invited to things too because they're not a safe person.

[00:39:55]Okay. So now let's move to this other side of it. This like more logical person be where I feel like actually their accusation here and regarding regarding this other person is logical like it it actually does hold some type of weight and maybe this person had parents that it could even be the same parents as this other person but because this other person was such a sad sack genuinely and I mean like I'm just going to they're a bit pathetic like they're not able to kind of like figure out a better way to be um I'm starting to get mad. Let me just calm myself down.

[00:40:25]So um this other person I think had parents that they had to prove with some type of like absolute logic and that could be in part because of the kind of environment that this other person whether this is a parent or a sibling or a great aunt or you know that person the culture that this person kind of creates like and feeds in this family right so they stick to kind of like logic here but they have this logical mindset of like well I'm right about this situation and you are wrong and that's where they run the risk of being the persecutor in the situation because this is it can be a kind of victim mindset. If they if they get sucked into like proving that they're right and they're wrong and that they are right and that this person is wrong with this person, that's the kind of like losing battle because at the end of the day like reality is reality. If this person is not able to deal in reality and communicate about like reality, if they're not reflecting reality back towards you, if they're not making amends, but instead they do this weird drama that's this meant to be this reunification ritual, you just have to see that for what it is and cut away and move on. You you just have to do that because arguing with this person is going to have you in this persecutor mindset. And by the way, this is how you can get baited into reactive abuse and then the resentment grows.

[00:41:42]because you're like, "But I am actually right." And you are. I can see like whoever this is, it's like genuinely that they're right. But here's where we need to talk about that kind of pattern because I feel like this person has to admit to themselves that possibly they choose to be around people who are like wrong or out of control or like they act out in these kind of antisocial harmful ways so that they can feel like a good one. so that they can feel good because um like Heidi Pribby is saying like fearful avoidance have this internal belief that they're bad and or it's a like a worry or preoccupation that they are bad and so when they're around people who behave like this clearly they're the good one relative to this other person. But um she says in one of her videos and it just like always stuck with me. You have a responsibility to find people that are on your level, that meet your level of intelligence, that meet your level of integrity and your level of morality. And you might be scared that you won't fit in with those kind of people. But this I feel like in a certain way, there's no outrunning this internal fear that you are bad.

[00:42:48]And so when you deal with somebody like this who you probably on some level know that you're like better than like that you're more stable than this person or you're more intelligent than this person and it's not that you have more worth as a human being or anything like that but you just you can see that this person acts out in ways that are maybe criminal would get them arrested would get them um you know would get them condemned for their behavior if they didn't play like all these weird games. And I'm not saying that you know that like from the from the onset, but we have like when we have these insecure attachment styles, we have ways of finding people that are kind of, you know, like this. So, um it when when this all kind of plays out and this person hurls a false accusation at you that says that you are bad, it's forcing you to kind of deal directly with that belief like, well, am I bad or do I have to be perfect to be good?

[00:43:36]And to kind of like work that out for yourself and to work out like finding people where you can trust their competence because a lot of avoidance especially like they're they did grow up in some level of dangerous situation. Meaning the big people a lot of times weren't always safe people. And the big people usually have more competence. And so it can be a struggle and a fight to kind of get competent sooner rather than later because you know you can't trust those people and all you can really trust is yourself. And that can become kind of compulsive where when somebody shows a level of competence or like they have more knowledge about something instead of liking that and moving towards that and trusting that it can feel intimidating.

[00:44:19]It can feel scary to kind of relinquish control and trust somebody else's expertise in something.

[00:44:26]So, it's about working through learning how to pick people, learning learning how to assess people for their level of safety and competence. You're looking for somebody who's kind and competent.

[00:44:43]Um, so it's like something here where it's like an inferior superiority kind of thing that might be playing out.

[00:44:51]Um, and then it puts you on the back end where you're just always trying. You're desperate for somebody to see that you're good in the situation, which is maybe the same pattern that kind of um played out.

[00:45:04]You're you're begging somebody to see that you you really are that um high agreeableness person with kindness, cooperation, and empathy. But you put your fate in somebody else's hands because this dealing with this other kind of person puts your reputation your reputation becomes the battleground. But you have to honor that you have you have to meet your own need of safety directly. You have a need of safety which has has to do with um being grounded in reality which means that your reputation should be allowed if you have safe people around you. your reputation and by the way their reputations as well will be built based on character which means like based on your own actions. It would be unthinkable for a healthy person to start hurling these weird accusations because they would have too much empathy for that. That's why I'm saying this person lacks empathy. They're highly emotional and I think they try to pass that off as being empathetic. this person is a hot ass mess and they're unempathetic and they're unkind and they're uncooperative at the end of the day. Because if you have empathe empathy and you are hurling a false accusation at somebody, the empathy would step into their shoes and say, "My god, like that would wreck them on the inside. That would um they could have serious fallout in their life if people believed that they would start to move away from this person.

[00:46:18]Maybe they would get fired from their job."

[00:46:21]That's what I'm saying. There's a lack of empathy over here and it's coming from their own pain, but I don't think it has really anything to do with this person, but they're trying to make this it this other person's problem cuz they were triggered cuz they're confusing the past with the present and because they're not their logic isn't plugged into this agreeableness.

[00:46:41]It's not plugged into this like empathetic worldview. They're not able to put themselves in other people's perspective. So, it's just it's overly selfish which is this kind of narcissistic quality in this other person. So yes, I think for a lot of you, if you are this more logical person and and your accusation is is rooted in fact and reality and even if it was like a highly emotional experience, which it probably is, it probably is dealing with this person, you probably would know that you can't show up because this person feeds off of that. But um it's a matter of learning how to choose healthy people. And when you realize that somebody is not willing to deal in reality and that they're willing to just make up and then this person never makes amends with you, they never initiate those amends, that instead they do this weird it's you just have to cut off from from them and provide your own safety, provide your own security by first moving away from these kind of people and then learning how to identify safe people that are competent and on your level in some way. So, okay, that's what I have. If that resonates, please like, comment, and subscribe to my channel.

[00:47:46]Bye guys.