Husband Gambled the Down Payment for Our New House

Added: 2026-05-18

[00:00:00]We agreed to save 35,000 each for That's a lot of money. 35,000 each for a house down payment. As we're about to close in a few weeks, my husband dropped a bombshell.

[00:00:11]He hasn't [clears throat] saved his share.

[00:00:13]I'm a hospital administrator, more conservative with spending, while he's an engineer who tends to spend freely, lending money without expecting returns, that sort of thing. We've argued over his spending habits before. Now, facing the shortfall, I'm furious and unsure how to proceed. If I use most of my savings for the house, I feel resentment. We split responsibilities evenly until now. Always agreeing to split expenses 50/50. This morning, we left for work without speaking.

[00:00:45]Did he just feel like he didn't have to save? He could not save? Like what What was his reason?

[00:00:50]>> Sound like he Like he's just You're just that bad with your money that you couldn't save? Did he save anything?

[00:00:59]Like what do we have, sir? We're going to add to the fact he saved 20. I mean 15. 15.

[00:01:05]>> So he's got 15 and then sound like he >> He's missing 20.

[00:01:09]>> He's missing 20, so he might He might He sound like a little gambler to me, honestly.

[00:01:14]>> He's something else, bro.

[00:01:15]>> he probably got some other things going on. You know what I'm saying, Well, he's probably got some other things going on. He's He's probably like, "I don't have it now, but I can get it."

[00:01:23]Next week.

[00:01:24]>> Yeah, yeah. He can get it. He just don't have it right now.

[00:01:27]>> for it.

[00:01:27]>> Yeah, that's all it Um >> I mean, well, if he was able to get the other 20 before the date that was needed, and I guess, cool, you got it.

[00:01:37]But like, let's talk heavily more about Did he save it, though? Right. But you know, as we're throwing [ __ ] out there.

[00:01:45]>> We're not. We're just agreeing to that one additional fact. So 15,000. She She sound He sounds like the type of person that she I'm not saying it's her responsibility, but she should have checked in like, "How are we doing this week?" Like, if he spends freely, she should have checked in on him like, "Yo, how we we going to make it in three weeks?" Or not stay on top of him, but it seems like she knows he spends freely, so Can I counter that?

[00:02:07]>> Of course.

[00:02:08]>> I feel like a person who has probably had issues with spending and they're with somebody who spends completely different, there's always like a it's going to be something you know, some sort of what's the word? Adversarial nature or whatever between them. So, she probably tries not to harass him because they've agreed to the 35,000. So, she's saying, "Cool, we talked about it. We've agreed to it. I'm not even finna harass him about this because there's so many other things in our relationship that we're dealing with, you know, so on and so forth." So, I'm thinking she that if if she was doing that, if she wasn't checking in, that's probably the reason why. All right. I'm trying to figure out why didn't they just have a joint account and just have the 35,000 in there that they would collectively each put in?

[00:02:58]Therefore, you would be It's true. more so aware aware of the entire process of the saving to achieve their goals. I mean, you know who you marry.

[00:03:12]A part. I like you do know who you marry. I don't know.

[00:03:15]>> He's wrong as [ __ ] Yeah, he's definitely wrong. I'm not saying he's right. He's definitely wrong.

[00:03:20]I just think that she's trying to treat him like an adult.

[00:03:22]>> They'd have to renegotiate this agreement because I don't think that in three weeks they're going to be ready to put that down payment. And honestly, if I was her, I would not feel comfortable putting up my my half and well, and that's really if he had nothing saved at all. Maybe we could work with whatever you did have saved. No, yeah. Listen.

[00:03:41]Okay. Okay, yeah, right. You're You're right. We did say 15. It's like if I know my girl or you know or she knows her husband, right?

[00:03:50]You know your significant other. Three years, so that they've probably been together they've been together at least four or five, so So, yeah, and they're married.

[00:03:58]>> Mhm. So, I know there are certain things that my significant other does that I don't like that I think that she could do better without.

[00:04:10]And I'm pretty sure a lot of people have that same thing in their relationship.

[00:04:15]Now, I don't expect it to change, right? So, if she knows that he's frivolous with his money prior or throughout their relationship, I I would imagine that they've had conversations before cuz they had a conversation now, and a conversation isn't enough at this point. And there has to be some type of action that has to be taken. That's why I said a joint bank account could be a good solution because she can see, "Hey, I put, you know, 15,000 in, you've only put 5,000 in so far. We have 20,000, our goal is 70. You know, how can we help?"

[00:04:50]And I think that there is a way to go about checking your partner.

[00:04:55]So, my question to that is how do you present that um when you already know it's an issue in in a relationship like y'all have had some tips about it. Um how do you present that such that the person doesn't automatically come off as being defensive like uh oh oh you think I can't do it? You think I'm responsible enough? You think I'm an adult? Like because I I I feel like people who know they be [ __ ] up they get Right.

[00:05:21]>> defensive fast.

[00:05:21]>> Right.

[00:05:22]>> [laughter] >> You know, they're like, "I I Don't nag me. Don't nag me." But it's like how do we But but you're I mean, while I agree with you, how does she approach that conversation such that it's it's fruitful?

[00:05:35]Well, I I I always believe in having um smaller goals that add up to the bigger goal, right? So, the big goal is a house now. Well, 35 is just a little baby step.

[00:05:46]>> Let's say 70,000 to save. Mhm. So, let's say if they have, I don't know, 7 months to do it. So, that means collectively each should be putting 5,000 a month in.

[00:05:55]Right? So, I would be like you know, I would set it up to a way where I'd like, "Let's have a joint account. That way we can both see and we can both stay proactive, you know, on our goals. Now, let's have incremental goals that are going to be 5,000 each a month that'll ultimately lead us to our goal of 70,000 in 7 months."

[00:06:14]>> [snorts] >> And then um if anybody that doesn't want to work together, like Allen says, that's just somebody you can't build with, right?

[00:06:22]So, if they're defensive on that approach and saying, "Hey, we're going to make small goals together and we're going to be able to, you know, see what each other is doing, therefore we can kind of help wherever someone is lacking."

[00:06:32]And you don't have to wait, and that's what I think a lot of problems in relationships are.

[00:06:38]They're always solution based, and never preventative based.

[00:06:41]Right? So, instead of trying to find a solution, why don't you prevent the problem? Right?

[00:06:46]>> Proactive versus reactive. Exactly. So, I think that in this situation, if they had smaller [clears throat] goals that they can be able to hold their self hold their themselves accountable throughout the process, it wouldn't get to a point where you realize you put 20 in and they put three, you know, cuz I think it's hard to be calm at that point. Like, it's hard to it's hard to address like, "Hey, so you know, I put 20,000 and you put three, and you're about 17,000 short." And then cuz it becomes a whole different thing.

[00:07:17]But if I notice that you're like a thousand, two thousand dollars short, that's easy to deal with, you know? Once it starts growing to that three, four, five, I'd be like, "Hey, is there something I could do to help you? Like, what's going on?"

[00:07:29]You know what I'm saying? It may be and and you're right, maybe they should have agreed like up front when they were going to set aside this money, "Hey, next 12 months you don't lend no money to nobody. Yeah, right. She probably said that.

[00:07:44]>> [laughter] >> No, I'm saying she probably said that.

[00:07:46]>> if she know Yeah, and I feel that she probably didn't want a joint account for this for this exact reason because then she could >> anything about that. she could watch money go away and that would cause more arguments. Mhm. But he's a lender. Yeah.

[00:07:59]My thing is like I think about that.

[00:08:02]If this person is spending money, right?

[00:08:04]And he's not able to save money, realistically for any priorities, right?

[00:08:12]Um why did you get married to him?

[00:08:16]Love.

[00:08:17]>> [laughter] >> You know, I mean we don't have that answer here, obviously. But I just can't imagine like me marrying somebody who's just not like, I guess able to work with. And and at a cost of our real you know, beneficial future. We want to get a house and put $70,000 down. It's I'm pretty sure it's a decent house.

[00:08:41]You know what I'm saying? So I'm assuming that you both have your eyes set on a house or a particular style of house that's going to cost this much.

[00:08:51]You guys have a pretty good taste and and you know >> live in New York.

[00:08:56]Yeah, I would hope. I would I would hope so.

[00:08:59]>> not getting that much. But then you think that he was able to save $35,000?

[00:09:03]He said he had a he had a good job and she she had a good paying job.

[00:09:07]>> Yeah, he has a he's a he actually has a professional, you know, and he's an engineer.

[00:09:13]See, the thing is with men, if men are struggling in a relationship, they're more likely than not to not say anything.

[00:09:21]And they'll take the L by himself. He could like to his spouse.

[00:09:25]And really to majority of people, he might have one or two people where he'll trust, where he can kind of vent to >> [snorts] >> about his financial struggles. But when a guy is actually going through his financial struggles, he's not going to tell his woman. And I feel like that's what's happening here. Now, obviously he's going to affect um their relationship because of their goals, but a man always thinks I'm going to be able to fix it by then, right? So, it's like, all right, I know I got to get this extra 20,000, but that's 5 months I get the 20,000 and that ain't nothing. 20,000 is one day of just one good work, right? Or like, you know what I'm saying? So, I think what ends up happening is sometimes the struggle for a man lasts longer than he anticipates. And because it lasts longer than he anticipates, he knows he's going to get through it, but the day that he thought he would be done with it by hasn't come yet and it has been extended and it's hard to look your woman in the eyes and tell her like, "Hey, I'm failing right now because I still believe in myself."

[00:10:23]Right? Cuz I know I'm going to be able to do it. I just don't know exactly when.

[00:10:28]I have a question.

[00:10:29]>> I have a question.

[00:10:30]>> manipulation.

[00:10:32]>> [laughter] >> Hey.

[00:10:34]>> Why is he manipulating? He didn't say it. And she stuck by it. So, she knew she knows and it this probably is not the first time that >> in. This is probably not the first time this has happened, especially if they're splitting the bills 50/50.

[00:10:45]And for them to come up with a 70,000 um probably short [snorts] somewhere else.

[00:10:50]>> You think so? But babe, I believe in myself and I need you to believe in me, too.

[00:10:55]So, we still in this.

[00:10:57]It's March Madness.

[00:10:58]>> No, he doesn't say that to his wife, you know? He doesn't say that to his wife.

[00:11:01]We're not saying that.

[00:11:02]>> No, not at all. We're not going to tell you I believe in myself, so [snorts] but we're like, "Oh, I [ __ ] up." But back in our head, we're like, "But I'm about to get this [ __ ] fixed." I like I have a question though. Like and I'm and honestly, I'm I'm putting myself in in in this, you know, uh scenario.

[00:11:18]>> scenario.

[00:11:20]At what point as a spouse who's made an agreement to do X and is presently failing at said agreement to do X At what point should they just come clean and be like, "Hey, I know we agreed that in X amount of months we're both supposed to have this amount of dollars, um but I'm a little behind.

[00:11:45]You know, I'm not asking you to help like help me. I'm just asking like can we, you know, agree to more time so that I can have my part together?"

[00:11:53]Like clearly he doing this at a minimum of three of three weeks out. So, I don't know if he's telling her this or she's asking. So, I'm wondering at what [snorts] point is he supposed to be like, "You know what?

[00:12:06]Uh I ain't got it."