Are Churches Failing Women in Abusive Marriages?

Added: 2026-06-01

[00:00:00]She told that it would be okay if I died in birth because then I would have died while in submission to my husband. If your husband told you to go out and mow the lawn at 3:00 a.m. You had to do it and not doing it was a sin. A trigger warning for my viewers. We will be talking about serious topics in this video. So you have you guys have been warned. Now in the Christianity subreddit, we've been given a topic. I'm a Christian, but I'm sadded by how often Christian wives are told to tolerate abuse. So, for context, I've been with my husband since 2023. Congratulations.

[00:00:32]Actually, maybe maybe let's read it before I congratulate them. And when we got together, we were both quite young and believed in biblical patriarchy.

[00:00:40]Similar to people like Brian Suave and Andrew and Rachel Wilson. I don't know who those people are. Basically, what we believed, the husband's word was law. No matter how ridiculous it was, if your husband told you to go out and mow the lawn at 3:00 a.m., you had to do it. and not doing it was a sin. The wife didn't have a say on her body. If her husband wanted intimacy, she couldn't say no. If the husband wanted another child and she didn't want to go through pregnancy and birth again, she just had to suck it up.

[00:01:07]The wife didn't have a say over the finances, even if she was working full-time because the husband and wife were one flesh. And the head of the union is the husband. So, he had full control over not only what he earned, but what his wife earned. You would have to beg your husband for $5 to buy a sandwich in between shifts. But if he said no, it's no. You get the picture.

[00:01:28]Now, at this time, I was deeply in love with my then boyfriend. So, I just thought that my love for him would be enough to sustain me through such hardships. Unfortunately, this was not what happened. During the first few months of our marriage, I felt horrible anxiety. I struggled with anxiety in general, but this was like turbo anxiety. Even though I loved my husband very much, I felt horrible and ill at the idea that at the at any single moment he could come up to me and tell me to do something that I couldn't handle and I just have to do it. It slowly started to affect my relationship with God because I wondered why God would subject all women to such a horrible life. And then one day, not even a year into our marriage, just 8 months in, I had a mental breakdown and I left Christianity. Oh, that's tragic.

[00:02:11]This was majorly caused by one of my female friends who was a Christian telling me that I had to obey my husband even if I didn't want to have another child. And then she told that it would be okay if I died in birth because then I would have died while in submission to my husband. Alarm bells went off in my head because I could no longer tolerate being told that my life has no value because I'm a woman. Oo, good lord. I went to my husband and I told him I wasn't okay with this sort of relationship anymore and he loved me and supported me because he wanted me to be happy too and we are still happy together and happy. Okay, so congratulations. Now I join a lot of online spaces for Christians on social media and while yes I know social media is in real life, it's so disheartening that almost every time a discussion about marriage comes up, there's a ton of people who fully advocate for abuse of women in marriage. For example, yesterday I was in a group chat for Christians and someone was saying that men should dominate their wives. I responded, "That's insane. Not at all how a Christian marriage should go. Him and a bunch of his friends just kept spamming Ephesians 5:22 to 24 and telling me that my husband should dominate me." I honestly felt terrible about that interaction and had heart palpitations because I was remembering how when I was in the early months of my marriage, people were telling me to accept abuse because of those verses.

[00:03:27]And this has happened so many times. Of course, that's not to say all Christians act like this. I'd say more Christians are kind and loving and understanding.

[00:03:34]But unfortunately, a lot of people use that verse to justify abuse. And it's honestly sickening. But when you try to tell them about Ephesians 5:25-33, they just ignore you and circle back to to that verse because ensuring that the wife is abused is their top priority. In James 3, it says, "My brothers or sisters, not not all of you should be teachers, for we who teach are judged with a greater strictness." Teaching implies a level of semity because if you teach wrongly, you can lead a lot of people astray. And I think this is case in point of that. Yes, wives wives are called to submit to their husbands.

[00:04:11]That's absolutely true. But as Christ is the head of the church, his body, men are supposed to be leaders like Christ was a leader. And how did Christ choose to lead? He chose to serve. A leader is ultimately the first servant. That's actually kind of this the the description of the job of what it means to be a husband. We are called to die to ourselves just like Christ died to for the church. Have you ever had a bad leader before? Have you ever had a bad boss? Right. To me, I go back to I'm not saying that this is the correct interpretation of that verse, but my interpretation of that verse is to honor thy father and mother, but the caveat is that they have to be parents in the first place. That they have to be biblical mothers and fathers in the first place. And because I didn't have that, the way that verse applies to me is different to someone that might have had really good parents. Because if I did everything that my parents told me to do, I would be worse off. if I'd be a worse person because not saying that they weren't good people, they just weren't good parents, you know, to be fair. And I think this is the same case.

[00:05:14]Wives should submit to their husbands.

[00:05:17]The definition of a husband is their proximity in relationship to their to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And so we have a guideline as to what a husband should be like. And biblically, we should follow those guidelines. And that doesn't mean the wife has to do everything that the husband says, even especially when it's not biblical. Kind of like in the military, people think that if if their officer tells them to do something, they have to do it no matter what. There are guidelines of what are lawful and unlawful. And if it's unlawful, the enlisted are directly told not to follow a unlawful word. And I think that's the same here. It's a tough touchy subject, >> you know, about how they feel, understand each other. He cannot force her into something. He should respect what her decisions is and so he should be a good leader.

[00:06:05]>> I think he's just cherrypicking out of the Bible for his own benefit and using the word of God against his own wife and it's affecting her relationship with God and to the point she's losing it, you know. So, I think he's very much wrong.

[00:06:16]He's taking it the wrong way.

[00:06:18]>> Yeah, that's what I meant.

[00:06:19]>> Yeah, seems like the consensus. Make sure you have a full picture of the Bible before you use it or weaponize it against anybody else. If you're using a holy text to treat your person as lesser, maybe that's a red flag. Go to the next one. End of the world. Talking about end of the world. We went from abuse to end of the world. Sorry for the whiplash. I'm an 18-year-old female and I don't know what has been wrong with me lately, but something just feels off.

[00:06:41]And I feel this stress in my body that makes it hard to breathe. And all I can think about is the world ending. From revelations to global warming, I don't know how much longer the earth has. It terrifies me. But it's not that Jesus is coming back that scares me. It's the things that will happen in this world that scares me, like possibly getting bombed or something. It makes me sad to know. I may never experience falling in love or going on a solo vacation and things like that. Although I know that might not be great to want. I know the world ending shouldn't be a bad thing, but it feels like it is. And I don't know how to live knowing the world is possibly ending. I feel like I can't clean or eat healthy or take any care of my mental health because we are just going to be taken from this world. So, what's the point? very nihilist. I don't even want to go to the beach or do anything fun because I know what's about to go down and I know what is happening around the world to innocent people. I just don't have a feeling that anyone in the in my generation will grow old. I don't know also if I'm having attacks from the devil or what. But I have been having a hard time having faith in God.

[00:07:45]And sometimes I think what if God is a placebo effect and people think there's their lives get better, but it didn't.

[00:07:50]Or what if I am crazy and God isn't real? I am basically worshiping a god like Muslims or Hindus. I just feel like something is holding me back from God and I can't figure it out for the life of me. I don't even know why I wrote all this X Y and Z. I just guess I just wanted to get it out. Okay, this kind of stuff kind of irks me. It's very nilous and uh defeist and this person can see all the things that are wrong with the world but chooses to do nothing about it. It seems like they accept the fact that they are powerless. But if you believe that you if you believe in God and you believe that you were made in his image, then you should also believe that if you're in the made made in the image of an all powerful God that he can work his wonders through you and biblically speaking, our God chooses to intercept in the world through his creation. Now, of course, there are times when you will just, you know, do a miracle here and there just through him.

[00:08:40]But most of the times it's buying through a believer, not someone that's perfect, not someone that is, you know, never done anything wrong, but often times the sinner, the weak one, because is in spite of our flaws that God can work his miracles through us. And so when you see all these horrible things that are happening in the world, and they are happening in the world, and you choose not to do anything about it, to me, you're part of the problem. If you realizing how evil this world is and how much evil is going on in this world and and if your reaction to me telling you this is what can I do? I don't have money. I don't have power. I don't have X Y and Z. I would simply respond with where is your faith? Maybe the healthy reaction isn't trying to look for ways or reasons why you can't do something and force yourself to do the difficult thing and ask yourself what are the things that you can do. It goes back to the idea of carrying your cross. It is difficult, but Christ gave us the example of placing all the burdens of the world onto his shoulders. And we're called to follow that example. And so great, you see all the stuff that's happening in the world, but that making you depressed or stagnant, that's not a virtue. That's a vice. That's that's weakness. That's cowardice. So the only thing that I would prescribe to this person is action. Do what you can. I remember I was doing a giving a keynote the nonprofit that I was an adviser to.

[00:10:04]I think the first keynote there was a question that was being asked about uh charity and stuff like that. Like cuz these were all high school kids. So they didn't really have any money, right? I remember I told them uh don't expect that when you get rich all of a sudden you're going to be this charitable person because charity is a muscle. If you're not practicing charity now when you become rich you won't I promise you you won't all of a sudden become the super charitable person. So, if you want to be a super charitable person in the future, become a charitable person right now. Ask yourself, what can you do right now? Sure, you you don't have any money to donate to homelessness or whatever causes that you want to support, but what is something that you could be doing right now? Where can you volunteer? Where can you X, Y, and Z?

[00:10:43]Ask yourself these questions. These contemplations, if they don't move to action, it's meaningless. I remember I have this list of like secrets to life that I like to collect. And one of them is learning is not gaining more information. It is changing behavior.

[00:10:58]Same way you learning about all the evil that is going on in this world isn't making you a better person if it's not leading to action. If it's leading you to an inaction, it's making you worse.

[00:11:09]The enemy is winning. It's it's him convincing you that you are powerless when you are made in the image of an all powerful God.

[00:11:17]>> Have you had a phase like this before?

[00:11:19]>> Where I felt powerless?

[00:11:20]>> Yeah. Yeah. um couple times, you know, I got kicked out of my home a lot when I was a child up until when I was a young adult. I got kicked out a lot, more times than I can count and I felt powerless when the people were lying about me and then my grandparents passed and then the homeless lady. I felt pretty powerless then. But I never gave up and I would attribute that to my faith. I always had faith even when I didn't have any faith in myself. And my faith didn't always look pretty. You know, Psalm 22, I I was lamenting to God. I was complaining. and I was cursing. It wasn't pretty, but I definitely always if there's one thing that's true about me is that I'm very perseverant. I'm very stubborn. All right, go ahead. Y'all, >> you like said it all.

[00:12:00]>> I can't.

[00:12:02]>> You really nail me on the head. I think two quotes actually came to mind. Um, both from Mother Teresa. She said one thing she says or said was, "If you want to change the world, go home and love your family." And then there's another one like not all of us can do great things, but we do things with love.

[00:12:20]>> Yeah. It reminds me how like this generation is always complaining about the churches that they're going to church hopping trying and then like I'm I'm just trying to show this like do you realize that you will never find a perfect church? You will always find flaws at whatever church that you go to.

[00:12:35]So instead of trying to find this perfect church that doesn't exist, be the change that you want to see. You know, it's it's the reason why like I hate seeing shorts inside of church.

[00:12:44]That's why I'm in a suit because that I'm being the change that I I want to see. I'm not just sitting there and just like, you know, oh my gosh, like let me find a church where everybody's going to see. You know what I'm saying?

[00:12:53]>> I think whoever like the poster should read Ecclesiastes. It's a really good book for that cuz like you know she's already in the mindset of like nhilism.

[00:13:03]Nothing matters but God cuz all things are fleeting in this world like all your material belongings and possessions it it comes and goes. You will die. We will all die. But God endures forever. God is forever. So, what's good for her is that she's already detached cuz like there is some level of detachment required. And because she's detached to the world, it makes it easier for her to attach to God. Cuz like the more you detach from the world, the more you could attach to God. But the thing is, she has to seek God cuz like she also did ask like what if God's not real? Like you know, I'm pretty sure that's like somewhere there.

[00:13:41]But like I think she should look into it. Like if she is asking that question, she should look into it cuz like you know seek and you shall find. If a heart truly seeks God, he will reveal himself.

[00:13:51]But are is she open to accept him in her heart?

[00:13:54]>> So something I've been working on doing myself is offering up my suffering and like uniting it to Christ. So like especially like if someone talked mean to me that day, instead of being like, "Oh, why do they have to talk mean to me?" I just go, "I offer it up to you, Lord. Use this." I go on and I have to keep doing that. So like if I woke up, I didn't want to go to work today. Lord, I offer this up to you. Please use this.

[00:14:20]Go on with my day. And not only can it give meaning to my own suffering, but it can also be used by the Lord to help save other souls. And like so it's important to offer up your suffering to the Lord and unite it to Christ because like that's what gives it meaning. I also feel that after they read Ecclesiastics, what Sophia suggested, I think that they could find solos in Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And they could need that. They need that right now.

[00:14:51]>> There is one aspect, the original poster, seeing all the evils in this world. There's one other person that did actually see all the evils in this world. Christ saw it, felt it. And imagine if he had the same reaction where he felt powerless. Thank God he didn't. And thank God he gave us his example. instead of feeling powerless, pressed to the point of inaction, he decided to do something about it. Carry all of our sins uh on his shoulders. And we are called to have that same example.

[00:15:16]So to this uh 18-year-old girl, you're halfway there, you know, but now don't allow the world to convince you that you're powerless. You are made in the image of the most high, so act like it.

[00:15:26]You know, God gave you a backbone for a reason, not to turn it on the weak, but to help them carry their weight. Let's move on to the next one. Maybe it's me and the churches I've been to, but I am growing frustrated from the lack of connection I experienced at church. I have been going to the same church now for multiple years and can't seem to make any meaningful connections.

[00:15:45]Consider taking a shower. I attended church on Sundays most Sundays. Go to a weekly men's Bible study and volunteer a couple of days a month in some capacity.

[00:15:54]I genuinely want to meet new people and form a Christian brotherhood with some people, but churches today give no avenue for doing so. At my church, everybody just comes and goes on Sunday.

[00:16:05]It's like when the services end, everybody just races for the door to get on with the rest of their Sunday. The church has no events or disciplehip or anything meaningful taking place on the weekends when people are freest up and form a connection with. The church I go to is a big non-denominational church with several thousand people in it. I feel like I should go I should be able to make some friends or connections with connections more easily than it's been.

[00:16:28]But that's just not the case. There is all this talk of men's loneliness issues that are plaguing young men and I feel like these churches are doing little to nothing to help lonely men out. Sorry for the rant, but I'm just tired of this style of evangel evangelical Christianity that is going on. I see the same in every single non-den Okay, so this is exactly what we're talking about beforehand where it's like, you know, you see all the flaws, but you decide not not to do anything about it. Again, I don't know if this person has tried, but has this person tried to do that?

[00:16:59]You know, be the change that they want to see. That's what I would prescribe.

[00:17:03]And you got several thousands of people at this church. It's a big church, so it seems like you have ample opportunity to do so. Well, for me, it's kind of simple. I just look for a guy that looks like he's been in the military. And then I just go, "Hey, bro, do you smoke cigars?" And it's like, I think at least 90% yes. And >> or some something.

[00:17:19]>> Yeah. Like, bro, you want to, you know, go smoke cigars? And he's like, "Yeah, bro. I want to smoke cigars." and we talk X Y and Z talk about Christ, you know, stuff like that.

[00:17:26]>> Be the change that you want to see.

[00:17:27]Don't let the world convince you that you're powerless. You are made in the image of the most high. So, anybody that tells you otherwise, that voice is coming from the enemy. And be the change that you want to see. See you guys in the next video. Bye-bye.