Son quickly escalates when we hold a boundary

[00:00:00]My son, 8-years-old, 18 mg methylphenidate. We've made a lot of progress with sibling conflict using your accountability language and behavior expectations, but one major issue remains. When frustrated or annoyed, he becomes very defiant and explosive. At times, he has thrown chairs or other objects and slams doors during these escalations. Common trigger, when we hold a boundary or consequence. For example, if we calmly state, "It looks like you're choosing not to have incentive time tonight because of how you're behaving." He will argue back, "No, I didn't choose that."

[00:00:26]and become increasingly oppositional escalated. I remain calm, but nearly crack and want to cry and crawl in a hole when this happens. Sure. How do you recommend responding the moment when a child is both highly defiant and emotionally dysregulated and forceful like this? Specifically, how do we avoid power struggles while still holding firm boundaries and consequences? Have enlisted support, but he attempts to pull the phone away. Okay. So, um let me go through this in order to address this. Um there needs to be an expectation in place. So, of um you know, there's no throwing anything, okay? Or no being destructive. He can become angry. Um you know, we can handle anger, but but throwing things is not acceptable. So, that needs to be a daily expectation. There is no throwing things. You know, the other thing I would tell you is I think the key here is stop talking. All right? And here's what I mean by that. So, like when you said, "It looks like you're choosing not to have incentive time tonight because of how you're behaving." Um he knows that. He doesn't need that re-emphasized to him. All right? So, what I would suggest you do is just not say anything.

[00:01:21]I you know, just like I said in the last answer, um if you want, you know, give and I think you should, give him two opportunities for self-correction because again, we're not looking for perfection. We're giving opportunities for self-correction. So, if he starts screaming, hey, so this is your one reminder to go please take a brain break, okay? So, we're not giving a consequence if he doesn't take a brain break. You know, what what we're doing is try to give him these opportunities.

[00:01:46]So, number two, so this is your second reminder, please go take a brain break so you can calm your brain down, okay?

[00:01:51]If he doesn't, okay, we're not doing anything about that. We're not saying anything. He knows he knows he didn't earn his his currency. All right? So, what happens is when when you say that and he starts arguing that escalates him more. So, that's why I'm saying stop talking. All right? So, that's your answer for how to respond in the moment.

[00:02:06]And and you are holding boundaries and you know, again, I want to emphasize this is not about consequences.

[00:02:12]Consequences are something we impose and that's often arbitrary and based on how we're feeling. Accountability, which you're doing through expectations, is helping him to understand that he has the choice whether to earn the things that are important to him and by giving him two opportunities for self-correction, we're letting him know, you know, we're not expecting you to be perfect, but rather we're trying to teach you self-regulation or help you develop it, I should say. Okay?

[00:02:37]Um and last thing for the supporter, he doesn't need to get on the phone with a supporter. Just put the phone on speaker. That's all you have to do. Um people often think that the child has to like get on the phone with the with the supporter. No, all you have to do is put it on speaker. Just hey Ryan, I heard you're having a hard time and you know, you're not treating mom correctly and you're throwing things. What can I do to help you?

[00:02:54]That's all they need That's all that they need to hear.