Jealous Dan wants Phil all to HIMSELF

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]May the 11th, a date that is going to go down in history amongst all of the 11ths of months.

[00:00:08]>> Yeah. Okay. So, uh I'm not here this week. Where am I?

[00:00:13]>> He's away.

[00:00:14]>> It's my mom's 60th birthday and she wanted to see some lava.

[00:00:17]>> So, you're in >> What the [ __ ] is that about?

[00:00:19]>> A volcano. Where are you going?

[00:00:21]>> Well, I was like, that's very far away to go to Hawaii or something. How's about we go to Iceland and maybe if we're lucky, there'll be a volcanic explosion. And actually the flight will get cancelled and we won't manage to go there. But we're going there.

[00:00:33]>> We had a holiday canceled because of the last volcanic explosion in Iceland.

[00:00:36]>> Dan and Phil were going to go to Portugal. We walked by a volcano.

[00:00:39]>> Remember that?

[00:00:40]>> So Phil's going to be sat on his ass.

[00:00:41]I'm going to fall down a creass. And so what are we doing today?

[00:00:45]>> We are doing >> something that is going to go down in history.

[00:00:49]>> It's a special episode. special epone.

[00:00:57]>> Bring him in, >> Richard.

[00:01:00]>> Our collective metal child.

[00:01:03]>> Sure.

[00:01:04]>> For many weeks, >> who gave birth to that? That's painful.

[00:01:06]>> Richard has released their balls upon us and filled us with questions, phrases, and various things to talk about. And yet for many weeks, the Red Bull has been [music] teasing the rim.

[00:01:20]>> It's been teasing the rim so hard.

[00:01:21]>> If you don't know what this means, inside Richard, there is a special red ball which contains a horrible challenge designed by one of us for the other person. Now, I've already suffered the Phil challenge, >> which was Dan having to give me a Buffy quiz while in the muscle suit.

[00:01:38]>> I was colorful and I had silicone boobies.

[00:01:41]Hard launch. Here they are right now.

[00:01:44]>> Hard peck.

[00:01:45]>> I enjoyed that one.

[00:01:46]>> It was cold and it was clammy.

[00:01:47]>> I'm nervous of what you've got planned for me. All I know is when you wrote in the bull, you wrote like one word.

[00:01:52]>> It was short. And all the viewers know is that that thing has been tickling the rim for like a month. So today, [ __ ] it, Phil.

[00:02:01]>> What?

[00:02:01]>> We're going to keep tugging that thing until the ball drops.

[00:02:04]>> Oh my god.

[00:02:05]>> It might not happen. This is a fair game. You know, it's like one of those government regulation game throw show things. We're going to do a podcast episode >> and we're going to answer Richard's in a non-rushed manner.

[00:02:15]>> Yes.

[00:02:15]>> And if the Red Bull comes, then you should see a doctor.

[00:02:19]>> We're going to keep [laughter] >> There's going to be a variety of convers. What are you doing? Oh, you're getting the money out of your pocket. It looked like you had some kind of rash.

[00:02:28]>> Oh. Oh my god.

[00:02:30]>> You want some Lizzies?

[00:02:31]>> So many coins.

[00:02:33]>> Wasn't that like a [ __ ] childhood dream?

[00:02:35]>> Oh my god.

[00:02:36]>> Loose pound. Lose pound on the floor.

[00:02:38]>> Oh my god. Whoever finds it gets you know my uncle Norman used to press a pound really hard into my hand and then close my hand and then say, "Don't tell mom and dad."

[00:02:46]>> Phil Norman was our fish.

[00:02:48]>> No, my uncle Norman.

[00:02:50]>> Do we believe him?

[00:02:51]>> He wasn't my real uncle. He was just like my grandma's friend.

[00:02:54]>> So your grandma had an imaginary friend?

[00:02:56]>> No, he was a real friend.

[00:02:57]>> Your grandma cheated on your granddad?

[00:02:59]>> No, my granddad was dead. Postman. My grand My grandad.

[00:03:02]>> So that's fine because she'd moved on.

[00:03:03]>> No, but he was just like the friend Norman.

[00:03:06]>> Okay.

[00:03:06]>> He's also dead.

[00:03:09]That was weird. Let's not talk about that.

[00:03:11]>> Okay. Okay.

[00:03:12]>> Right. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry.

[00:03:14]>> Oh my god. What are you doing?

[00:03:15]>> We're going to be doing this a while and I don't >> The trolley is part of his body. What?

[00:03:19]He removed his legs.

[00:03:21]>> She's had an important operation.

[00:03:22]>> You've not prepared for this.

[00:03:24]>> Oh, Dan was just lifting Richard. Phil, you've got loose pounds on your crotch.

[00:03:29]I don't know.

[00:03:30]>> That's how I like it.

[00:03:31]>> Okay. Pound the crotch.

[00:03:33]>> Okay. How's this going to work?

[00:03:37]old.

[00:03:38]>> Bound the alarm. Can't talk about that anymore. What a devastating loss to pop culture.

[00:03:42]>> Just don't >> like Nicki Minaj. Couldn't she have just not?

[00:03:45]>> No.

[00:03:45]>> Like it. Hello.

[00:03:47]>> Just don't do it.

[00:03:47]>> Imagine contributing that much iconicness.

[00:03:52]>> Imagine like bees in the trap being like a relatively fresh meme of an under represented old song of yours and then it's like you immediately it.

[00:03:59]>> It's such a shame. Anyway, how are we doing this?

[00:04:03]>> You put a pound in it. And then a ball comes out and then you crack open the ball and there's a piece of paper and then you read it.

[00:04:08]>> Are we just doing like one each until we get the red ball? What if we get the red ball second? Does the episode end?

[00:04:13]>> Do you want it to?

[00:04:14]>> No.

[00:04:14]>> 3minute episode.

[00:04:15]>> I want the episode to go on for a normal length of time.

[00:04:18]>> Well, then that's the rule, bro.

[00:04:19]>> Okay. Right. Here we go. Our first Richard turning and pulling.

[00:04:23]>> Wait, wait, wait.

[00:04:24]>> I've done it now.

[00:04:25]>> Put the mound of pounds.

[00:04:26]>> You just ruined the first moment.

[00:04:28]>> This is organic.

[00:04:30]>> It was going to be like a dramatic moment.

[00:04:32]>> Why is it wet? Oh, Richard pissed.

[00:04:34]>> Who's scared?

[00:04:35]>> Richard. Phil, >> they were scared.

[00:04:36]>> Phil, no.

[00:04:37]>> What?

[00:04:38]>> Richard's pronouns are he or she, but not they.

[00:04:42]>> We've been over this.

[00:04:44]>> It's happening.

[00:04:46]>> Imagine if that was the red one straight away.

[00:04:48]>> It's a pink ball. And our first topic of conversation on this Richard special is Oh, a strong crack.

[00:04:58]>> Wow. This is a [ __ ] excruciating, isn't it, everybody?

[00:05:00]>> The long jump.

[00:05:02][laughter] Oh god, you don't know what you've done.

[00:05:06]>> What?

[00:05:06]>> Oh, go on, Phil. Tell us about your long jump career.

[00:05:09]>> I was, we've already talked about this at length, I think, on this podcast, but I was the fourth best long jumper at my school, which meant I had respect from the other boys, but I didn't get to go to interchool sports and compete.

[00:05:25]>> Was only top three got to go.

[00:05:26]>> Top three got to go. I briefly got respect from the boys in my school. Oh, when I >> back in the bike sheds.

[00:05:33]>> I'm trying to sincerely talk about the one moment where I was accepted by the lads film.

[00:05:37]>> Go on. Go on.

[00:05:38]>> Rugby tackled the head boy.

[00:05:39]>> Oh my god.

[00:05:40]>> And he [ __ ] ate [ __ ] >> You fully tackled him.

[00:05:44]>> Well, I like you playing football was like stood in the middle of the field at the back or in goal. Side note, when you're playing football with a nerd, why do you put them in goal and then complain when they don't care?

[00:05:55]>> It's so stressful. I'm not going to die.

[00:05:58]No, >> I'm not going to do it.

[00:05:59]>> It's the worst place to put the nerd.

[00:06:01]>> Just play with minus one person. I'm just taking up space that you could use to like run past or something.

[00:06:06]>> You should have done what I did and said you had a broken toe and then done community service and helped out Alice getting her shopping every day.

[00:06:11]>> I did not have the option to do that.

[00:06:13]>> No, >> but rugby I participated. One day I was stood there in the mud and I just had it was like an impulsive thought. It was one moment where I just went I could actually participate.

[00:06:23]>> You could do it. I could actually in this moment just [ __ ] dive someone's ankles and you know rugby football.

[00:06:30]>> Shove them to the ground.

[00:06:32]>> You got to dive towards someone's spoky feet as they're running.

[00:06:35]>> You do.

[00:06:35]>> And I just did it. And then do you know what we did? It went, "Oh, that was a nice one."

[00:06:39]>> Really?

[00:06:40]>> You could have been a jock.

[00:06:43]>> What's a British version of a jock?

[00:06:45][ __ ] Um I feel like we've meandered from long jump. Why don't we do a standing jump here in the studio and see who can jump the furthest?

[00:06:55]>> Okay.

[00:06:56]>> Okay, Dan.

[00:06:57]>> I'm not wearing appropriate shoes.

[00:06:59]>> You got to go for it.

[00:07:00]>> Trousers, >> right? Three, two, one, JUMP.

[00:07:04]>> OH, WAIT. That was that was far. You ended there.

[00:07:08]>> Yeah.

[00:07:10]>> Okay, he's there. I'm doing the drum m titty slap.

[00:07:14]>> I'm going to fall my car.

[00:07:14]>> Please don't flash anyone. I don't any malfunctions are going to happen. Ready?

[00:07:18]Please don't kick the camera. Please don't kick me. And swing in. Show us what the fourth best boy in Rosendale can do.

[00:07:27]>> You beat me by a solid.

[00:07:28]>> Just call me the kangaroo of the north.

[00:07:30]>> Phil the inch Lester.

[00:07:33]>> They don't call me Phil the inch Lester.

[00:07:36]>> Is that what they called you in the showers?

[00:07:39]>> They actually called me I can't say what they called me.

[00:07:42]>> Gaylord. [laughter] >> Yeah, that gave me a headache. So I feel like I'm built for long jump. Well, thank god illustrious career didn't work out.

[00:07:51]>> I feel like my brain is quite loose in my head, so whenever I like move too fast, it bounces around in there.

[00:07:56]>> The juice is loose.

[00:07:57]>> The juice is loose.

[00:07:58]>> The goose is loose.

[00:08:00]>> Next. Can you keep your hands to yourself?

[00:08:02]>> I want to help.

[00:08:03]>> No. [snorts] >> Spin. Spin.

[00:08:07]>> Oh, the red one is the device.

[00:08:09]>> It's not going down.

[00:08:11]>> Ooh, another yellow. And this is a thick one.

[00:08:14]>> It's a yellow thick ball.

[00:08:18]Oh, what is happening?

[00:08:21]>> What is that?

[00:08:22]>> Oh god, it's a viewer one. We asked for people to fill Richard's Balls on Patreon. And you don't even have to be a paid member. No, >> you can just come follow us for free.

[00:08:31]>> We post stuff for free on Patreon.

[00:08:34]>> Now, we're emptying Richard's balls. If you go to our Patreon, there's going to be another request for new Richards.

[00:08:39]>> We're going to ask you to fill Richard's balls cuz she's getting empty. Thank you.

[00:08:44]>> And what we got now? This one comes from Mia Hartland, who would like to ask, "Oh no, what is the first and last photo in your camera roll?"

[00:08:51]>> Oh god, >> we can just lie to the people listening on Spotify.

[00:08:55]>> Uh, okay.

[00:08:57]>> Dan's full ass.

[00:08:58]>> On whose camera?

[00:08:59]>> On the snow.

[00:09:00]>> I was ass up.

[00:09:01]>> You ass up on the snow?

[00:09:03]>> Yeah.

[00:09:03]>> Oh my god, I'm such a [ __ ] nerd.

[00:09:05]>> What is it?

[00:09:06]>> It's a Switch screenshot of me reaching Master Ball tier in Pokémon Champions.

[00:09:11]>> Oh, look at you. Oh, look at your character. Have you spent real money on that character? No, but I did pay real money in the game.

[00:09:16]>> How hard is it to reach Master Ball tier?

[00:09:19]>> Are we talking about Dan's nerdy hyperfixations now?

[00:09:22]>> So, competitive Pokémon is a thing. And it's very serious. It's actually super big brain. It's like chess.

[00:09:28]>> We've already said that. You said [ __ ] your Blastoise up his pipes or whatever you said last time.

[00:09:32]>> And in single battles, I've reached Master Ball tier, >> which is the best, >> which is the best unless you're top 300 players in the world. So, yeah.

[00:09:39]>> Well, why aren't you the top 300 player?

[00:09:41]>> I'm actually, wait, I've got a screenshot. ranked 250,000th in the world.

[00:09:47]>> Oh, I mean there's a lot of people in the world at Pokémon >> allegedly >> according to Phil >> according to me.

[00:09:52]>> And my first picture I'm scared. For a long time I didn't trust Apple iCloud.

[00:09:58]>> What are you doing?

[00:09:58]>> What the [ __ ] is this?

[00:10:00]>> What is the picture?

[00:10:01]>> I'm stood in our old living room wearing slippers holding my foot to my head.

[00:10:06]>> What is that? What are you doing?

[00:10:08]>> Dan Howell, what the [ __ ] are you doing?

[00:10:10]>> You're having a phone call with your foot. Who remembers the context of that?

[00:10:13]If you immediately were like, "Dan, I remember this." It's when you tweeted that. I >> I don't know what that is.

[00:10:18]>> Go to bed. Go to hell. Go to heaven.

[00:10:20]>> Could have been worse. My most recent one I took two hours ago, which was Dan looking like Ronald McDonald in the camera viewfinder. For some reason, it made his hair and t-shirt red.

[00:10:29]>> Phil was like, "When you're checking how in focus you are, you look like Ronald McDonald."

[00:10:34]>> It made me realize you would not suit that.

[00:10:37]>> [laughter] >> So, you're saying I'm not allowed to have the Rihanna Troy Savan inevitable red hair moment.

[00:10:41]>> When you had the red hair moment on that live stream, you look good. I'm just saying red hair and red t-shirt was a little bit cartoon character >> and red makeup and red lips.

[00:10:48]>> Yep. Okay, noted. Don't lie. First photo.

[00:10:51]>> Oh, my first picture is me with the corgi on our calendar dog shoot.

[00:10:55]>> Let me see. Oh my god, >> I remember that. I just got my new phone.

[00:10:59]>> Birthday boy Phil with a corgi.

[00:11:01]>> It looks so He's looking into the camera.

[00:11:03]>> You peaked with that one. That was such a fun and chaotic shoot because we had 12 different kinds of dogs all coming at the same time and trying to be friends with each other.

[00:11:13]>> And they all smell. There's been dog smell in here.

[00:11:16]>> They were so excited. The baby little golden retriever puppies.

[00:11:19]>> The she was so great.

[00:11:21]>> Yeah, it was one of the best days of my life.

[00:11:22]>> The corgi was heavy. That was the only thing I was sweating.

[00:11:25]>> Thick boy.

[00:11:25]>> Eating a lot of fish treats. It had fishy breath.

[00:11:28]>> It had fishy breath because the corgi's owner was like really loves the salmon tubes. Why that calendar was a lot easier than doing the cat calendar because the cats >> cats do not respect human beings because they are superior to human beings.

[00:11:40]>> We just said if the cats want to be held that's fine. If not they can just sit around.

[00:11:44]>> We're just going to stand in place and the cat can do whatever the cat feels like.

[00:11:47]>> I was sniffling. My eyes were watering.

[00:11:50]You were allergic. I was so allergic.

[00:11:52]>> But then in the last one you got to dress as a princess. So that was nice.

[00:11:55]>> And you got to do your fairy makeup which left a a big impression on you.

[00:11:58]The only issue with the last one, it was very bulgeacacular because of all the morph suits we had to wear. So in the behind the scenes shots, I was like, "Oh my god, everyone saw my full penis for half the day."

[00:12:07]>> Why did nobody tell me? PJ and Sophie have seen it all.

[00:12:11]>> Things that we can't unsee.

[00:12:12]>> Yeah, we for the second day we had to get that jockstrap situation just to make it a bit less revealing.

[00:12:17]>> The truth behind the fairies. We were catching prints all over the place.

[00:12:21]>> Yeah. And then we sold the calendar prints.

[00:12:23]>> That's what the next one's going to be.

[00:12:24]>> Dan and Phil Hog calendar.

[00:12:25]>> Are we ready for another? Right. Look at it. Look at it. Look at it. Look at Look at it. Look at it.

[00:12:30]>> Oh. Oh.

[00:12:31]>> Oh, wait. No, it just got pushed off the hole.

[00:12:34]>> It's Stop it. [laughter] >> You're messing with fate. God will judge you. Oh, >> it's a blue ball, >> isn't it? Always.

[00:12:43]>> My balls are blue. This is tofu.

[00:12:46]>> Hi, Tofu. And what does Tofu?

[00:12:48]>> No, this is the Tommy is tofu.

[00:12:50]>> I was like non-binary [laughter] ass listener.

[00:12:53]>> Nonbinary [ __ ] dad and Phil moment.

[00:12:57]What does tofu have to say?

[00:12:58]>> I'm sure.

[00:12:59]>> Yeah. Yeah. You've been following us on Tumblr since 2011.

[00:13:02]>> No, it's tofu.

[00:13:03]>> The concept of tofu.

[00:13:04]>> Yes.

[00:13:05]>> Kind of tastes like nothing.

[00:13:06]>> It tastes like nothing unless it is seasoned heavily.

[00:13:09]>> Vehicle for the sauce is not a potato.

[00:13:12]Very similar.

[00:13:12]>> People that are eating the pure cube of tofu with no seasoning. You're doing it wrong.

[00:13:17]>> What in the British?

[00:13:18]>> You can fry it. You can paprika it season it. And then it's great. Tofu gets a bad rap because a lot of people don't know how to make tofu tasty and therefore they have really shitty, bland experiences of either sloppy or spongy tofu.

[00:13:31]>> What I will say is vegan food in the last 5 years has become so much better.

[00:13:35]>> What you could say is it's really kicked his [ __ ] up the wall. [laughter] >> It's kicked his [ __ ] up the wall.

[00:13:40]>> One of our favorite restaurant chains in London, Tofu Vegan.

[00:13:44]>> It's like Chinese food.

[00:13:46]>> It's better than normal Chinese food.

[00:13:48]It's so good. Their sweet and sour chicken or whatever it is is incredible.

[00:13:52]>> No, it's their like gong bao tofu is straight up tofu and it's the most delicious thing we've ever had in our life because you're just having a [ __ ] ton of sugar and garlic.

[00:14:03]>> It will make you have a food wars style climax when you eat it.

[00:14:07]>> Do you remember [clears throat] Food Wars?

[00:14:08]>> Do you remember Food Wars?

[00:14:09]>> This was an anime when something tasted delicious. their the characters would flew off metaphorically orgasm essentially.

[00:14:19]>> It was like they had food orgasms in each show and it got more and more extreme the more tasty the food was >> and that put a lot of people off and it was a bit weird. It turned out it was actually peak anime.

[00:14:29]>> Yeah.

[00:14:29]>> Have you ever had tofu puffs?

[00:14:31]>> I've never had a tofu puff.

[00:14:32]>> This is the best way you can possibly eat tofu.

[00:14:34]>> Apparently tofu puffs according to what you call mela are the best way to have a tofu. I know I won't go homosexual, but you need to be nice to me on our podcast.

[00:14:44]>> Okay. I'm sorry.

[00:14:45]>> So, yeah. Tofu has the power for great blandness or extreme vehicles for pleasure.

[00:14:50]>> Yes.

[00:14:51]>> Like down Phil.

[00:14:52]>> Yeah.

[00:14:53]>> Next. Okay. Here we go. I'm just going to >> You're not going to influence this red ball. Oh, IT WENT UP.

[00:15:01]>> IT'S RAISING UP. What the You're defying gravity. [screaming] Did you see the person who screamed the at or the marathon?

[00:15:16]>> Didn't hit a single note. icon.

[00:15:18]>> I mean, it would have inspired her to run away >> m faster.

[00:15:21]>> Get away from Wicked. We're going to talk about colonic irrigation.

[00:15:25][laughter] >> Um, >> I have had my colon explored for medical purposes.

[00:15:33]>> Irrigated like an expensive garden.

[00:15:35]>> Not irrigated. I've not had the irrigation. I've just had the colonoscopy, which I talked about at length on YouTube, and I was making comments about Mario Kart because I was drugged up. I was like, it looks like a Mario Kart course in there. Chocolate Mountain, we don't need to go there.

[00:15:49]>> It was actually clean and clear and pink.

[00:15:51]>> It was It was Roselina's Ice World >> because the night before you have to do a colonoscopy, you have to have prep where you drink this laxative and you are cleared out. And trust me, you don't want to go out after you've drunk that fluid because at any moment something upsetting is gonna happen.

[00:16:06]>> It's so bad. And we were playing this tabletop game with our friends over the internet and I was like, I'm going to have to leave every 20 minutes because >> Oh my god, I remember that. We were doing like a tabletop RPG online and Phil just said to our friends, >> "Look, every 15 minutes I'm going to have to run for 3 hours and you just have to accept it."

[00:16:23]>> What you learn is you need >> really a free evening.

[00:16:26]>> A free evening. Have you ever had a colonic irrigation?

[00:16:28]>> Well, here's the thing. What?

[00:16:36]>> Water in your butt. It's more likely than you think.

[00:16:38]>> Yes.

[00:16:38]>> Clonic irrigation is like a med spa beauty treatment. It's not people doing it for the procedure. It's doing it for the the cleansing.

[00:16:48]>> Lad's night out. Let's get our colons cleansed.

[00:16:50]>> Haven't heard that one before, but what would I know? I'm not a lad. Not part of the culture. People say, "Yeah, it's good for me cuz I'm going to be so clean on the inside." It's actually bad for you because your gut flora is something that keeps you regular and keeps things good. And actually, if you completely empty out the thing that you've got going on, your body is like, "Well, what the fuck?"

[00:17:12]>> Is that why I'm getting all those Instagram ads for like probiotic supplement?

[00:17:17]>> Your digestive gut.

[00:17:18]>> We're not trying to evacuate you. People are trying to aggressively probiotic you. Hank Green was saying your gut biome is your second brain.

[00:17:29]>> Well, exactly. You don't want to lobomize yourself by douching, do you?

[00:17:32]>> No. I mean, >> oh, that's why bottoms are so [ __ ] dumb.

[00:17:36]>> Is it?

[00:17:37]>> I'm allowed to say that.

[00:17:38]>> Oh, yeah. Okay.

[00:17:39]>> This is a comedy podcast.

[00:17:40]>> It's a comedy podcast. We're not making any real assumptions about anyone's positions. That would mean >> Yeah. Bottoms with a Brain.

[00:17:47]>> Bottoms with a Brain >> should start a charity.

[00:17:49]>> They should. I was thinking like if someone's saying, "I want to have a Kit Kat." Is that actually being decided by my colon?

[00:17:57]>> Wow, that would explain so much. Yeah, about the [ __ ] that comes out of your mouth cuz literally >> I like when I said, "Have you had a colonic irrigation?" You didn't say yes or no.

[00:18:06]>> Right. My turn. [laughter] Let's >> Is now not the time to talk about it?

[00:18:11]>> Let's crank that soldier boy.

[00:18:15]>> You apparently you can actually get at home colonic irrigation kits off Amazon.

[00:18:19]I would not do this, by the way. It sounds dangerous. And one of the comments says, "It cleansed you so well, I lifted off the toilet bowl."

[00:18:26]>> TMI, Susan, sometimes you don't need to be the Amazon review influencer that you dream to be.

[00:18:31]>> Also, I heard No, it's >> Well, you got to say it now. [sighs] >> No, it's not interesting.

[00:18:36]>> You got to say it now and we'll all judge. Everybody lock in. Phil's going to say something that he thought was not interesting enough to say.

[00:18:41]>> I saw a Tik Tok different ways people douche.

[00:18:46]>> How [laughter] is this possibly uninteresting? I I I'm scared for so many reasons, but boredom is not one of them.

[00:18:51]>> Apparently, some people are buying shower attachments that go all the way up your ass, like really deep. And firstly, don't do that for too long.

[00:19:00]>> That's a danger of perforating your colon.

[00:19:03]>> You don't have to do that much.

[00:19:04]>> No.

[00:19:04]>> If it's coming out your mouth when you're spraying it, >> that's not how anatomy works. Fanfiction writers, water comes out quite quickly.

[00:19:10]>> Yeah. That's the danger. And also, people are doing hot taps as well.

[00:19:13]They're getting a lot of that in hospitals cuz they've connected to their shower and gone, "Woof." Moral of the story, >> boiled from the inside, >> do less.

[00:19:22]>> All right, maybe the real Red Bull was the every single question we answered along the way to the Red Bull.

[00:19:28]>> Maybe it was. This is all Red Bull.

[00:19:29]>> This one is from Lucky Th who says, "What conspiracy do you lowkey believe and why?"

[00:19:35]>> Oh, recently we did low stakes conspiracies, but what is a highstake conspiracy that you lowkey believe? Oh, >> moon landing real because the Soviets would have exposed it.

[00:19:49]>> Yes, I was very controversial when I said I don't believe that the universe is infinite. People were a bit mad at me because of that one.

[00:19:54]>> But I do you know what I I've been fermenting like a healthy gut on that take >> ruminating >> and I agree.

[00:20:05]>> Thank you.

[00:20:05]>> I think that space may be infinite. Yes.

[00:20:09]But I don't think that out there right now is a planet where there is a podcast called Hard Launch with Dan and Phil, but we are shrimp. No.

[00:20:17]>> Just because space is infinite doesn't mean that >> everything that's happened will happen.

[00:20:23]>> Yeah.

[00:20:23]>> That's like too much >> cuz there's going to be jellyfish aliens, but there's not going to be another human race but blah blah blah and then everything is a purple triangle.

[00:20:30]>> Yeah.

[00:20:31]>> So that's what we mean by that. And fair I lowkey agree.

[00:20:35]>> Although I think there's an edge and I will invisit it.

[00:20:38]You think there's an edge?

[00:20:39]>> I think there's an edge.

[00:20:40]>> Yeah, but you don't want to visit it.

[00:20:41]That sounds scary. We talked about how you wouldn't want to go to the moon cuz it's scary >> because I'm comfy in my own skin.

[00:20:47]>> Exactly. You're happy next to your lava lamp. You don't need to be an Arteimus 3.

[00:20:50]>> No, I don't believe in flat earth like that.

[00:20:52]>> All good, Phil. The bar is [ __ ] low.

[00:20:54]>> I know, [laughter] but we've literally been into the sky and looked at the Earth and seen it. So, it's not like even something we need to theorize.

[00:21:00]>> A [ __ ] primary school can send a loaf of bread into the atmosphere with a camera and see that it's round.

[00:21:04]>> Oh, there is a ball. What about the Illuminati? Do you think they're out there and listening to us?

[00:21:09]>> T.

[00:21:10]>> Yeah.

[00:21:11]>> Male podcast moment. Are you ready for 3 hours of the the Fan Rogan experience?

[00:21:16]>> Okay, go on.

[00:21:17]>> The Illuminati is real in the sense that it's literally just capitalism.

[00:21:22]>> Yes.

[00:21:23]>> Is there a group of men in robes that are controlling the world? Firstly, have you seen how [ __ ] stupid the people controlling the world is right now? We let Liz Trust be prime minister.

[00:21:33]>> Terrible. You think that there is an Illuminati out there? No. We live in absolute [ __ ] universe 9,000 right now.

[00:21:42]>> We're in like >> silly Billy timeline.

[00:21:44]>> Freefall hell chaos >> horror right now.

[00:21:48]>> No one's pulling the strings other than just billionaires, investment companies.

[00:21:53]>> It all leads down to feeding the capitalist monster.

[00:21:56]>> Yes. Exactly, Phil. Exactly.

[00:21:58]>> And no matter how much we don't like it, we're all part of that machine.

[00:22:03]You're just like, [laughter] you're just saying things and it worked out. That's fine. Okay. Yeah. Dangerous game, but respect. I encourage people to be skeptical.

[00:22:13]>> Okay.

[00:22:14]>> And the bedrock of conspiracy theorists is having problems with things and questioning things. The problem is there's a lot of people out there that are like, I believe in this conspiracy theory. And it's like, oh babe, almost.

[00:22:26]But you didn't realize that the problem is actually capitalism, not loss of people on the news. So, you got so excited to expose the truth about our horrible world. And you thought it was that the local news lady is a lizard.

[00:22:37]No, she's not. But the billionaire that owns the news agency is also not a lizard, but is uh awful.

[00:22:45]>> Okay.

[00:22:45]>> And that's, you know, there are great causes out there to be conspiracy theorists about. Don't stop at the weird [ __ ] >> Do the things that actually make a difference.

[00:22:55]>> Like, >> what about the Dan and Phil conspiracy theories? We covered those on tour. But we surprised everyone by saying we shared a bed before we even came out as gay.

[00:23:02]>> The soft launch before the hard launch.

[00:23:03]>> That was a soft launch before the hard launch.

[00:23:05]>> Yeah. A little tease of gay for the people that bought a tour ticket.

[00:23:08]>> Mild gay leaking out of our closet.

[00:23:11]>> I don't know. Were there any other low-key down Phil conspiracies that we didn't cover?

[00:23:14]>> There was a conspiracy. We had a child >> because there was like a photograph of like a child's hand in the background of a photo that we had.

[00:23:22]>> Why was there?

[00:23:22]>> And that was just our friend that visited that had a kid that was in our house.

[00:23:25]>> Oh my god. So there was a child there, not our child.

[00:23:29]>> Devastating. I wouldn't trust you around. You'd be a great dad.

[00:23:32]>> Thank you. But if you want to hide from the lizard people, what is better than the sponsor of today's video? NordVPN.

[00:23:39]>> Like, wow. Wow. What?

[00:23:41]>> That was organically selected by Richard. And here you are with the segue.

[00:23:44]>> I've got to do it.

[00:23:45]>> Your talent.

[00:23:46]>> You might be in an airport thinking you're safe when really the person behind the security desk is looking at everything you've ever Googled.

[00:23:52]>> Remember the guy in front of us last time looking at Grinder on his phone?

[00:23:54]Yeah, you should have been doing that in peace.

[00:23:57]>> Using NordVPN so Madonna can't get to him.

[00:24:00]>> NordVPN is like putting a blanket over yourself when you're using your phone on a plane.

[00:24:04]>> Also, when you're trying to book tickets for the plane and they try to scam you by making it more expensive, you can change your location to another country and then magically the tickets are cheaper.

[00:24:11]>> That's great.

[00:24:12]>> Don't let them get you. Get them.

[00:24:13]>> We've done that before. Also, if you want to switch your location when you're wanting to watch a show, like we were trying to watch hacks and we >> hacks now.

[00:24:21]>> Change the USA.

[00:24:21]>> I'm not waiting for my American friends, >> which is helpful. Yeah, 10 devices at once. Put it on your fridge. Put it on your plug.

[00:24:27]>> If you want a special deal, you can go to nordvpn.com/hard launch to get a 2-year plan for 4 months extra for free. That's nordvpn.com/ >> hard launch.

[00:24:40]>> And you can chomp down on that buster safely without people looking at you.

[00:24:45]>> Nord.

[00:24:47]>> All right.

[00:24:48]>> Oh my god, Dad.

[00:24:49]>> Where is the hole?

[00:24:50]>> He's manipulating Richard's balls.

[00:24:52][screaming] I'm just doing an organic.

[00:24:55]>> The hole is at the back.

[00:24:56]>> This is not organic. This is genetically modified. Richard, >> it was never going to happen. It was trapped at the bottom of the front.

[00:25:03]>> Okay.

[00:25:03]>> And now it's at the back.

[00:25:04]>> Let's have a spin.

[00:25:05]>> That's right. Is anyone in the comments mad that I just moved the Red Bull near the hole?

[00:25:09]>> Well, let's find out.

[00:25:10]>> Is anyone like, "No, I hate content.

[00:25:13]Please don't reveal the fun thing. I want to see it in 10 years."

[00:25:16]>> It's a blue ball.

[00:25:18]>> That happens apparently. It's a real thing.

[00:25:21]What is the most annoying color?

[00:25:24][groaning and sighs] >> The most annoying color?

[00:25:26]>> Yellow.

[00:25:27]>> Yellow.

[00:25:28]>> Woof.

[00:25:28]>> It's very bright.

[00:25:30]>> But it's quite springy and beautiful, though.

[00:25:33]>> No. Look at that. Got to be glue hair can. It's like [ __ ] off.

[00:25:36]>> I I would say >> ah. Oh, it's aggressive. Look at all these nice colors.

[00:25:41]>> Okay. I would say primary yellow is like warning.

[00:25:44]>> Look at your trousers. Look at your shoes. Look at your t-shirt. Look at everything that I'm wearing. That might be an evolutionary thing because lots of wasps and spiders have this color on them.

[00:25:52]>> Exactly.

[00:25:53]>> So that's why you're put off.

[00:25:54]>> Snake eyes.

[00:25:55]>> Danger.

[00:25:56]>> Horrible.

[00:25:57]>> I would say red is also a bit annoying.

[00:25:59]>> Oh god. Yeah.

[00:26:00]>> If it's like a bright red, >> bright Ronald McDonald red.

[00:26:03]>> But my personal most annoying color is brown just because I don't suit it.

[00:26:07]>> It annoys you.

[00:26:08]>> It annoys me.

[00:26:09]>> You see brown and you're just like >> if I seeing off like stop.

[00:26:12]>> If I see an amazing t-shirt and it's brown, I'm like, "Oh, well now I can't get it." Now I'm annoyed. Next. F. Yeah, I like this attitude, Phil. Absolutely.

[00:26:22]Crank that down.

[00:26:22]>> Speed round. Speed round.

[00:26:25]>> Simoa.

[00:26:26]Another bright yellow one. Yeah. God, this is so annoying.

[00:26:32]>> I've been clutching these balls for ages.

[00:26:34]>> I love it. Have a third one. Juggle them.

[00:26:36]>> It Well, you couldn't even pick it up.

[00:26:38]Gray's Anatomy. Was there so long?

[00:26:40]>> Gray's Anatomy.

[00:26:41]>> Anyway, we're talking about the medical textbook.

[00:26:43]>> No, the actual TV show. No, not the thing. The show's named after the actual show.

[00:26:48]>> Yeah, I've never seen it. So, here's some things without context that I've just seen.

[00:26:51]>> Meredith is in it. Lots of people die in horrible ways that you like.

[00:26:56]>> Hospital >> surgery >> happens. What do you know about Grey's Anatomy?

[00:27:01]>> Cool. I just know that it's really long and lots of people watch it and then other people were like, maybe it shouldn't have continued so long.

[00:27:06]>> I know it's like 21 seasons, so it's a real apparently though >> that bag actors >> when you watch it is so addictive. It sends you into kind of a spiral that you can't escape from.

[00:27:15]>> We know a few people that have watched it and they've watched the whole thing several times, which sounds like hundreds of hours of dedication, so it must be peak.

[00:27:22]>> But I know someone that watches it and they're like, "It's literally hurting me, but I can't stop. I have to keep going. I work at the hospital now."

[00:27:30]>> Please comment below if you have similar experiences with the Hard Launch Podcast.

[00:27:33]>> It's quite dangerous.

[00:27:35]>> Right. Calm. Oh, wait. I'm looking.

[00:27:40]She's entered the crack.

[00:27:43]>> Oh, it's a pink ball with a bonus hat.

[00:27:48][ __ ] Whoever left that question, >> you can have another one to hold as your little toy.

[00:27:53]>> Thank you.

[00:27:54]>> Oh, good crack.

[00:27:55]>> Oh, jealousy.

[00:27:58]>> Jealousy.

[00:27:59]>> Now we're getting into it on the Dan and Phil relationship podcast.

[00:28:02]>> That's a big one. I would say >> jealous Dan. Look at jealous Dan.

[00:28:06]>> There's a lot of I've seen a lot of memes. Look at jealous Dan.

[00:28:10]>> Oh my god. Jealous Dan. [laughter] >> I've seen a lot of comments and memes about jealous Dan. Would you say when I talk about other men, you get jealous.

[00:28:18]>> Am I supposed to do the parasocial thing where I reinforce everybody's nice uh head cannon right now or am I honest on a male podcast?

[00:28:24]>> No. I think you'd be honest on our mail podcast.

[00:28:26]>> I don't give a [ __ ] [laughter] >> Is that cuz you know how secure you are with me?

[00:28:31]>> Yes.

[00:28:32]>> Right.

[00:28:32]>> Yeah.

[00:28:33]>> Cuz I wouldn't have it better anywhere else.

[00:28:35]>> I don't care.

[00:28:36]>> Yeah. [laughter] Like I'm fine. I'm fine.

[00:28:39]>> You're chill.

[00:28:40]>> And there's nothing wrong with that. And I mean it's not insulting. It's just like I'm radically at peace. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:28:45]It's fine.

[00:28:45]>> If it happens, it happens.

[00:28:47]>> Yeah. And I'm like, maybe it's just I just have resting jealous face.

[00:28:51]>> Just say you've been a tiny bit jealous.

[00:28:52]Otherwise, it sounds like you don't like me.

[00:28:54]>> I would be jealous if Phil >> Or if I got fries with someone else on a Saturday night while watching an episode of Drag Race without you.

[00:29:01]>> I would be annoyed. That's our thing.

[00:29:03]>> Jealous?

[00:29:03]>> Yeah. Um, >> jealous? Oh my god. Jealous. Oh. Oh my god, Blake. This fry was so salty.

[00:29:09]>> Jealous and envious. What's the one where you're like, I want what they have. Or it's like, I'm afraid of losing something.

[00:29:14]>> Jealous is you afraid of losing it.

[00:29:15]>> I feel comfortable that we would have fries again next week.

[00:29:18]>> Okay, that's very mature of you.

[00:29:20]>> Are you jealous?

[00:29:21]>> I think I can be.

[00:29:22]>> I'm envious. I look at other people and I'm like, I deserve that.

[00:29:25]>> Yeah.

[00:29:26]>> There's very little I'm like, no, this thing in my life, I'm insecure that I'm not going to have it anymore. Uh, I just look at other people and I'm like, >> yeah, >> I get quite jealous if you're doing something and I'm not invited.

[00:29:37]>> I'm like, I want I want to be there, too.

[00:29:39]>> Give me one example from the last 15 years.

[00:29:41]>> Like, you're going to Iceland with your family, and I'm quite jealous. I would like to go to Iceland.

[00:29:45]>> But do you want to come to Iceland with Dan, his m, and his brother?

[00:29:49]>> No, >> that's a bit random.

[00:29:50]>> No, I mean, I just don't want to do the exercise part of it. I just want to see the cool things.

[00:29:54]>> I will take lots of photos and I'll FaceTime you from a I was about to say Giza. I'd be [ __ ] dead and boiled as [ __ ] >> from inside the volcano >> glacia. Yeah. All right, Phil. I think this has to be you. Queen's nose moment.

[00:30:04]>> Crank that whatever shape it is. Do a hus.

[00:30:07]>> There you go.

[00:30:08]>> Please. Please.

[00:30:08]>> No, it's a blue ball.

[00:30:11]>> The Euro tunnel.

[00:30:13]>> Uh, it's good. I like being able to get a train to France. It's like really cool, but it's also expensive. Also, why is checking in there like going to a flight? They've made it really up for no reason.

[00:30:20]>> As a kid, I thought I'd be able to see the fish out the window, so I was very disappointed the entire time. We drove our car onto the train and I thought that would be cool, but you're just like driving into a horse carriage and it looks like >> Why didn't they make it transparent?

[00:30:30]>> Cool in theory, expensive in practice.

[00:30:32]>> Come on, science.

[00:30:35]>> It's a pink ball.

[00:30:37]>> Fillers. If you want them, get them.

[00:30:40]Don't get too many.

[00:30:42]>> They look weird.

[00:30:42]>> I've already got very cheek.

[00:30:44]>> You look like a hamster snuffling truffles away on any given day.

[00:30:47]>> People are jealous of these cheekbones.

[00:30:49]>> If you want the fillers, get them. But also, we shouldn't live in a society where people should feel like they have to look like influencers. Right. Next, you >> come on. You're in that.

[00:30:57]>> Even I want it to happen now.

[00:31:02]>> Oh my god. It's a yellow ball. Wait, we're running out of time.

[00:31:05]>> Answer it.

[00:31:06]>> Oh my god. Oh my god. Uh, nightclubs.

[00:31:09]I've grown out of nightclubs. I like to be able to talk to my friends in a bar and I don't like dancing that much.

[00:31:14]>> I do like dancing and getting drunk. We I don't do it enough. I should get out more.

[00:31:18]>> Really? Yeah. Do you actually want to go to nightclubs?

[00:31:20]>> Not like often, but like more often really >> than the once a year.

[00:31:23]>> Yeah.

[00:31:24]>> When are we going?

[00:31:26]>> Danville Heaven Friday night.

[00:31:28]>> Give it a Here we go.

[00:31:30]>> Come on, >> Phil. Are you ready?

[00:31:32]>> I'm ready.

[00:31:33]>> It's a Red [screaming] Bull.

[00:31:35]>> It's happened.

[00:31:37]>> Phil.

[00:31:37]>> Oh my god.

[00:31:38]>> It's been a beautiful Richard special.

[00:31:39]>> What?

[00:31:40]>> I will miss you when I'm in Iceland.

[00:31:41]>> I hope that everybody has enjoyed this because next week something's happening.

[00:31:45]>> I'm scared.

[00:31:47]>> Pop it.

[00:31:47]>> Wow. I need to do that grip strength thing more.

[00:31:50]Oh my god.

[00:31:52]>> God didn't want this to happen.

[00:31:54]>> Oh, here it is on a red piece of paper, no less. What does it say?

[00:32:01]Cheese.

[00:32:02]>> No cheese. Dan, I thought you liked me.

[00:32:08]What does that mean?

[00:32:11]What's going to happen next week, Phil?

[00:32:14]Next week.

[00:32:16]Cheese. What does [laughter] that mean?

[00:32:18]>> It could mean anything.

[00:32:20]>> Oh no, I'm I'm sweating. Don't make me eat cheese.

[00:32:23]>> Well, I'm going to have a lovely cold week away. I hope you've enjoyed this bonus episode. And next week >> I get my revenge. I would like to say thank you to Richard. Thank you to the people who gave us this idea. This was great. Let's do it more often. Uh you should go follow us over on patreon.com/danandfill where you can just follow us as a free user and Phil will ask for more input on how we should fill Richard's balls. We will. If you liked our float, we're going to do three more balls over.

[00:32:50]>> I wish they kept going. We will over there. 15 minutes of exclusive fun where we say crazyit thinking that people aren't going to snitch on us.

[00:32:57]>> patreon.com/dan and Phil if you want to watch that.

[00:33:01]>> Just try it out. It's a good time.

[00:33:02]>> Thanks for joining the special >> and we'll see you next time.

[00:33:08]>> Like a cherry on top.

[00:33:10]>> [laughter]