Every Woman at the Bar Becomes a Life Coach | Kelly Collette

Ajouté : 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]Everything in the world to do is to go to bars. I love going to bars, not because I like to drink. Uh I like going to bars because I like to go to the women's restroom and get compliments from drunk women. Okay? That is my FAVORITE SLICE. QUEENS, ALL OF YOU, RIGHT?

[00:00:16]MEN DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT WOMEN, WE HAVE an unspoken rule, don't we? We hype each other up in the women's bathroom when we're drunk. It's a beautiful thing.

[00:00:26]Okay? We can solve the world's problems with the amount of positivity that comes out of the women's bathroom when we're drunk.

[00:00:32]And it's only in the bathroom and it's only when we're drunk, okay? [laughter] If we're drunk at the bar and you accidentally elbow me, [ __ ] I will key your car. Do you know what I mean?

[00:00:42]BUT IN THE BATHROOM, I'M LIKE, let's FaceTime my mom.

[00:00:45]>> [laughter] >> Cuz she You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life, okay?

[00:00:53]Do you want to come to my wedding?

[00:00:56]>> [laughter] >> He doesn't deserve you.

[00:01:00]Okay?

[00:01:01]>> [laughter] >> Women, we make friends in the bathroom and I think that's a beautiful thing.

[00:01:05]Men, you guys don't talk to each other in the bathroom. You don't make eye contact. You don't compliment each other like we do. Can you imagine just going up to another man like, "Nice stream, brother." That's a firm You're healthy.

[00:01:15]I like that. Um Yeah, men don't like to be on In In the bathroom, I heard they have to put a space between them and the next guy. You can't pee at the next urinal from a guy.

[00:01:26]You got to put a space between you. It's like when men go to the movie theaters together. Have you seen this? They have to put a chastity seat between them. Two men can't Have you seen They can't sit next to each other at the movies.

[00:01:36]They're like, "If I sit next to Jeremy in the movies, I got to jerk him off."

[00:01:39]I'm pretty sure that's the rule, right?

[00:01:40]THEY GOT [laughter] THAT ONE TIME I WENT with Carl when he put his dick in the popcorn and I right channel was like, "Oh, Carl, you rascal.

[00:01:46]You Now we're going to have to put a space between us from now on, okay? That's how that works, right?"

[00:01:53]Women will make friends that way. We'll make friends anywhere. You go to Target, someone's like, "Watch my kid." You're like, "I'm a godmother now." That's beautiful. I'm so glad I could be there.

[00:02:01]Men only make friends three ways. Did you guys know this? Okay. A man will meet a man in second grade, and he will die with that man. Okay? That is his best friend for the next 90 years of his life. Okay?

[00:02:14]You don't even You're thinking about him right now, aren't you? You're like, "Ah, I should have invited Todd." Okay? I miss him. I haven't seen him in a while.

[00:02:19]God damn it. You don't even like him.

[00:02:21]Okay? You're like, "Mike's a son of a [ __ ] okay? But I will bury a body for him. That is my best friend."

[00:02:27]>> [laughter] >> Too true, right? Okay, sometimes a guy will go after college and he'll room with a guy for a couple years, or he'll work next to a guy for a few years, and he's just like, "Ah, I sat next to him for 6 years at a desk. He can sit next to me at my wedding for 6 minutes. I don't know his middle name. I don't know, but he's my best friend. Okay?

[00:02:44]He's my second best friend."

[00:02:46]And the other way men make friends is if their partners just start hanging out together. That's the only other way.

[00:02:51]Like, you got Brett, how do you How do you guys all know each other? Right here.

[00:02:54]Family? Your family? To the people I didn't POINT TO, OKAY? [laughter] SHE SAID FAMILY AND SHE POINTED TO HER TITS. I like that. You You went this way with it. Like, I was like, "Uh, well, they were probably there at one time."

[00:03:09]UH >> [laughter] >> YOU KEEP IT TIGHT in your family. That's fun. Um I don't know, there's not a lot of men sitting next to each other except for you guys, and I ASSUME OKAY. OKAY.

[00:03:22]SO, YOU GUYS DO MEET IN THE BATHROOM.

[00:03:24]OKAY.

[00:03:28]ALL RIGHT, COOL. SWINGERS. THAT'S FUN. I THIS IS GOING to be A FUN SHOW. I REALLY APPRECIATE. [ __ ] yes.

[00:03:37]>> [laughter] >> We're all okay.

[00:03:40]You dressed so good. I should have [ __ ] known. OKAY.

[00:03:44]>> [laughter] >> I MADE A BEST friend in the bathroom one time. She was the drunkest girl I've ever seen in my life. And for some reason, I I think that women need to support each other in the bathroom cuz it's an old-fashioned barter system in there, if you don't know, guys. Nothing is ever in stock and we need each other for survival, okay? You walk in the women's room, there's just a hand coming up from the bottom of the stall like, "Help me. Help me. Toilet paper?

[00:04:04]Anybody? Phone charger? Chapstick?

[00:04:05]Anybody see my car keys?" There's just one girl in the back crying. She's like, "Help me. I wore a jumpsuit. I'm naked."

[00:04:12]I'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR 45 MINUTES. I just the zipper broke.

[00:04:16]My friends don't know where I am. I dropped my phone in the toilet. They think I'm doing coke. Okay, I need I CAN'T GET OUT.

[00:04:28]>> [laughter] >> SO, WHEN I MET THIS GIRL, she came out of the stall like the Kool-Aid Man comes through a wall. She was like, "HEY, JUST LISTEN."

[00:04:36]>> [laughter] >> DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS in there. She's like, "Look, I'm new in town. I don't know anybody. I don't have any friends."

[00:04:42]And I was like, "That's cool. I hate who I came with, so we can hang out, right?"

[00:04:45]I was like, "You're You're my new best friend." And it was fun. We did a shot together. I got her phone number. I got her Instagram. And I was like, "I found my new best friend. This is going to be awesome. This is going to be a story that we tell all the time. How'd you guys meet? Women's bathroom, okay?" Uh I woke up the next morning and I texted that girl 18 times.

[00:05:03]In the middle of the night, I was like, "I don't think we're best friends anymore."

[00:05:05]>> [laughter] >> And then I think she thinks I'm a stalker. That's what I The last text I sent her didn't even make sense. I was like, "Hey, I know that you're new in town. You should check out my favorite Mexican restaurant." And I had sent her the GPS coordinates to Taco Bell.

[00:05:18]I was like, "Oh, that's probably where she is. That's a bad neighborhood." Um >> [laughter] >> I think that women get a bad reputation.

[00:05:26]They think we're competitive with one another and I don't think it's true. I think women are very supportive of other women. I am just very competitive in general with everybody. I'm the most competitive person in the world and I hate it. No one wants to come to game night at my house anymore. I've alienated all my friends. Uh I always tell my friends like, "A warning. I'm like, please don't invite me to your baby shower."

[00:05:46]Okay? [laughter] I'm going to play the games like I get to win the baby at the end, okay? This is going to be Don't invite me to a bridal shower. I'll knock your grandma over for a potted plant, all right? I don't care about her hip.

[00:05:56]>> [laughter] >> [ __ ] her, all right?

[00:05:59]Everybody's got to know how good I am at bingo.

[00:06:02]>> [clears throat] >> I stand outside of escape rooms like they're pick up basketball games, >> [laughter] >> okay? I'm just waiting to approach people in the parking lot. I'm like, "You guys need one more? I'm good at puzzles and locks. I got $40, okay?"

[00:06:14]>> [laughter] >> Get that.

[00:06:16]My favorite sport to watch is boxing cuz it's a super competitive sport. Any boxing fans here?

[00:06:22]Oh, just the girl? Okay.

[00:06:25]Pick me. Yeah, me too. Okay. I watch it not only for the fighting, I watch it for the clinching. You know what clinching is? Clinching is a boxing term when two fighters are so tired of hitting each other that instead they just decide to hug. Have you seen this?

[00:06:38]They lean their bodies up again It is the cutest moment in sports history, okay? These guys are literally beating the [ __ ] out of each other and they're not allowed to talk about it ahead of time. They can't be like, "I'm tired of hitting you. I'm tired." No, they got to make eye contact and vibe it out, okay?

[00:06:55]I'll The other one just rests his head on a pec muscle like an Usher song just came on. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful moment between two athletes. I love it.

[00:07:05]I get $50 pay-per-view. Everybody comes over my house. They're all yelling at the TV. They're like, "Kill him." I'm like, "Kiss him. Do it. Do it. Put on a show." You guys watch boxing now, right?

[00:07:15]Yeah, okay.

[00:07:17]Good.

[00:07:20]>> [laughter] >> I hang out with a lot of like macho guys or the ones that think they're macho.

[00:07:24]They always talk about these things called alpha personalities or betas. I don't know if you guys have heard of that. Uh but they were talking about it one time and they're like, "Alpha personality this." And then I was like, "Listen, you can't categorize people, stereotype them, put them in a box, and label them. That's wrong, okay? So, you should just shut up. You sound I'm of dumb when you say stuff like that." And they were like, "Wow, you're an alpha."

[00:07:43]And I was like, "Fuck yeah, I am."

[00:07:45]>> [laughter] >> That's a good ONE, RIGHT? DID I GET THE GOOD ONE? HELL YEAH.

[00:07:49]I WAS SO EXCITED. I WAS LIKE, "I'm an alpha personality. I better go home and Google it and see what moon I'm allergic to, right?" I was like, "I got to figure out everything about this so I can learn." And it said a bunch of stuff that applied to me. It was like, "Alpha personality, competitive." And I was like, "I got that one." And then it said a bunch of other stuff that applied to me. I can't really remember right now. I was too busy pounding puss uh to to get through.