👉1Hour🍰@tyler.vitelliCompilation TikTok🥑ASMR Satisfaisant🍰Not what I was expecting#comedy#funnymemes

追加: 2026-05-31

[00:00:00]Nobody talks about the difference between how girls act when they have a crush versus guys. Like I knew this one girl that was obsessed with this dude at our school. And I used to think that when girls have a crush, they just tell their friends about it at a sleepover while giggling and kicking their feet in the air. But instead of doing all that, this girl literally just stalked his whole family tree. Like she found his parents' social medias where everyone in his family went to school, their birthdays. I mean, she probably knew all their blood types, too. They should have made a TV show that's called You about this girl. When a guy likes a girl, we just imagine fake scenarios in our head of us being together. Because last time I liked a girl, I had a dream that was literally just the plot of the Shrek movie where I was Shrek and she was Fiona and I saved her. But sadly, in real life, I just stared at her awkwardly and hope that she noticed me.

[00:00:36]How can girls not tell when their friend has a crush on their boyfriend? Cuz I just saw a video this girl posted where her boyfriend and her best friend were playfully fighting. And I literally felt like I was interrupting something just by watching because you could tell they just wanted to make out the whole time.

[00:00:48]But the poor girlfriend is recording these videos behind the screen laughing as if it's some funny joke. NO, GIRL.

[00:00:53]THAT friend of yours is in love with your man. Based off how your man was acting, he feels the exact same way. And I get it. I'm insecure. So, I probably just think that everyone's cheating on me. But it gets to a point where it becomes so obvious that you can't miss it. Like, she was literally third wheeling even though she's the one in the relationship. But the saddest part is you can't even convince her that's the truth. You just have to wait until they inevitably break up. Nobody talks about the difference between how your mom punishes you versus your dad.

[00:01:16]Because whenever I did something wrong as a child, my mom would start crying and be like, "If you keep misbehaving, you're going to end up like that kid Johnny that lives down the street that went to Jubie." And I'd be like, "Mom, Johnny hit an old lady with his bike. I just snuck some goldfish into my room."

[00:01:27]And then she would take my phone away.

[00:01:29]But with my dad, he wouldn't even discipline me at all. He would just be like, "Hey man, can you just listen to your mother?" "All right, cool. Thanks."

[00:01:34]And that would be it. Unless I did something really bad, which in that case, getting punished by my dad was so much worse than getting punished by my mom. Cuz there was nothing more scary growing up than when my dad was angry. I would go to sleep thinking I was going to wake up the next morning with a finger missing or something. But I am glad to say I still have a little tendo.

[00:01:49]>> Old people will drop the most insane lore on you and then act like it's nothing cuz one day at school I was eating a banana in class and my teacher that's from Europe sees this and he goes, "How's the banana?" And I say, "It's good. You want a piece of it?" And he responds by saying how he's not supposed to have bananas for the rest of his life. So I'm like, "Oh, are you allergic to them?" And he says, "No." So I go, "Oh then why aren't you supposed to eat them?" and he gives me an insane response which was, "Well, when I was younger, I lived by Chernobyl when the power plant exploded, and I was exposed to so much radiation, which had a bunch of potassium in it, so I'm never supposed to have bananas again." And for anyone who doesn't know, Chernobyl was a nuclear power plant that exploded, making the whole area around it radioactive. This was like a huge thing, and somehow my teacher was there for it, and he just casually brought it up like it was no big deal. Did every old person just have crazy lore? You can always tell when someone grew up with divorced parents because during my high school graduation, the person I was sitting next to acted super nervous the whole time. So I was like, "Are you nervous about graduating, too?" But she was like, "Oh, no. I I don't care about the graduation part. I'm nervous for what's coming after that." So I was like, "Ah, I see. You don't know what you're going to do with your life after high school yet, huh?" But then she says, "What? No, I'm going to Duke. I'm fine." I meant that I'm nervous for what's going to happen tonight. So I asked her to explain more and she tells me that her whole family is coming to watch her graduate, but they're all going to dinner together after. So then it clicked what was going on and I was like, "Oh, are your parents divorced?"

[00:03:02]But not only did she say yes, she also said that this was going to be the first time they were all together since they signed the paper. So she was super nervous because she had no idea how it was going to go. I low key almost asked for an invite to that dinner. I wanted to see how it was going to go down.

[00:03:13]>> This is your warning to never go to a Jenzie dentist because I just did and it did not end well. So my dentist was a girl and she was around my age and she was gorgeous. So when she saw me, she said, "Hi, are you Tyler?" And I'm like, "Oh, she knows my name." But then she goes, "I'm going to be your dental hygienist today. My name's Isabella. And at this point, I'm in love with Isabella. I've already planned our future together. But then I was like, "Wait, you're my dentist? That's so embarrassing. I don't want you seeing my teeth like that." Well, I have no choice. So, she tells me that I can sit down in the chair, and I do. And then she says, "All right, now open up." And I'm like, "Okay, fine. I love you." And she goes, "No, not that kind of open up.

[00:03:45]I mean, open your mouth." No, I'm kidding. That part did not happen. Uh, but what did happen is she worked on my teeth and she did a great job. But after she was done, I knew I had no chance with her because this is what she saw for an hour straight.

[00:03:58]I just know I gave her the ick. Just give me the 80-year-old dentist next time. Do not make eye contact with people during a conversation because I just had a conversation with someone and I'm normally really bad at keeping eye contact. So, I've been trying to get better at it. But during this conversation, I concentrated so hard on making eye contact with them that I completely forgot to listen to anything they said. So, I looked super engaged because I was staring through their soul, but I didn't comprehend a word.

[00:04:19]But this was a big mistake because when the conversation was over, they said, "So, what do you think I should do?" I said, "About what?" And they said, "What I just told you about." So, I had to admit to them that I didn't hear a word they said the whole time. So, it's just not worth it to make eye contact. I can't focus on two things at once. And this is probably what I looked like anyway. Yeah.

[00:04:35]Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Never name a group chat with your friends something weird because one time my friends were sending a bunch of messages in our group chat, but I was taking a nap so I didn't hear any of the notifications, but my mom did. So, after hearing the notification sound go off like 20 times, she decided to look at my phone to see why I was making so much noise. And after she did, she woke me up and she was like, "Tyler, why do you keep getting a bunch of notifications from Jeffrey Dmer's refrigerator?" And I was like, "Uh, they're my friend's mom, but she doesn't really know much about Jeffrey Dmer."

[00:05:02]So, when I explained to her that he used to put some weird things in his fridge, my mom was like, "Why would you name your group CHAT AFTER THAT?" AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED to explain to someone over the age of 35 why young people give group chats weird names like this? So, I was just like, "Honestly, mom, I don't know." Have you ever noticed that Gen Z is aging horribly? And I have proof because I was just at Popeye's and I walk up to the cashier to tell them my order and I'm trying to be polite. So I say, "Hey, how are you doing?" And they respond with, "Not good. I hate this job." I didn't expect them to answer it truthfully, but since they did, I was like, "Oh, well, why do you not like it?" And he said, "Does anyone like their job?" But he looked pretty old. So I was trying to think of a way to cheer him up. So I was like, "Oh, well are you at least retiring anytime soon?" And he gives me a weird look and goes, "How old do you think I am?" I knew by his reaction that I messed up asking that question. So I didn't want to answer. So I was just like, "I don't know. How old are you?" And he goes, "I'm 26."

[00:05:48]daughter. I THOUGHT HE WAS AT LEAST 50.

[00:05:49]I WAS ABOUT to ask him what it was like when Abraham Lincoln was president.

[00:05:52]Meanwhile, this guy is barely old enough to rent a car. And it's not just this guy. I've seen so many people under the age of 30 that look like they grew up with Queen Elizabeth. WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS GENERATION LOOK so old? What are we going to look like when we're actually 50? Never go on an airplane if you have a bad feeling about it because I just had a flight, but for some reason I was really anxious to get on the plane and I never am. So that's weird. But I got on anyway because I had to get back home and the seats were first come, first serve. So I ended up getting stuck in a middle seat between two people. And at first I thought the people sitting on both sides of me were strangers. But then they started talking to each other and I realized that they were a couple.

[00:06:21]Well Tyler, if they were a couple, why wouldn't they sit next to each other?

[00:06:24]That's what I was wondering too. So I asked them. I was like, "Hey, do you guys want to sit next to each other?"

[00:06:28]And they both said no. In a pretty nasty tone. So I was like, "Bam, I get it.

[00:06:31]Y'all really don't like middle seats."

[00:06:32]But then I started to understand why they didn't want to sit next to each other as the flight went on. Because the whole time we were in the air, they were just arguing. But I was stuck in the middle of it. I was like a ping-pong ball getting bounced in between them and they were like, "I don't like you." "No, I don't like you. You never show affection. You're way TOO NEEDY. ALL OF WHAT THEY'RE saying is just going straight into my ears. It was my worst nightmare because it was a 4-hour flight, so I just wanted to sleep, but I couldn't because they were yelling in my ear. But then like halfway through the flight, I was like, "Are you sure you guys don't want to just sit next to each other?" And at the same time, they both go, "No." And I'm pretty sure by the end of the flight, they broke up. That's kind of what it sounded like. But yeah, don't do middle seats next to strangers.

[00:07:06]Gen Z is the most unserious generation ever because my friend used to have cancer, so he was completely bald. But instead of wearing hats or beanies to cover up his hair, he did the exact opposite because we had this class together that was super boring. So once he went bald, the next day he brought these mini plungers to school. But when he pulled them out, we were like, "What are these for?" Like, "Did a smurf clog up a toilet or something?" But then he told us he bought the plungers so we could try throwing them at his head during class. So we would do a competition to see who could get the most to stick. And this was his idea cuz we were like, "Are you sure about this?"

[00:07:32]But he was just smiling and was like, "Yeah, this is awesome." People in this generation don't even take it seriously when they get diagnosed with a chronic illness. I shouldn't even be surprised, though, because this is the same guy who dressed up as Mr. Clean that same year during Halloween and put a bunch of baby oil on his head to make it more shiny.

[00:07:46]Nobody talks about how much worse Pikmi boys are than Pikmi girls. Cuz I hear people all the time roast girls for being Pikmies, but boys are way worse cuz I went to school with a Pikmi guy and we sat next to each other in class, but there was also two other girls at our table and he would always try flirting with them and I didn't really seem interested in him. But this kid was bold, so he would straight up just be like, "Do any of you guys want to give me your number?" And when they would politely decline, he would be like, "Yeah, I get it. I'm probably just too ugly, huh? But the very worst pick me thing he ever did was when he brought a book to school and during all of lunch, he looked like he was reading it. So, I asked him what the book was about, and he said he didn't know. He just pretended to read the book, hoping that girls would notice him. I respect it, though. Game is game. What would you do if an animal ruined your day at the zoo?

[00:08:23]Because that's what happened to me today. So, I was at the hippo exhibit, and they have this big pool area for them to swim in, which is like 50 ft away from all the people. So, I was just chilling looking at the hippos run around until one of them decided to go for a swim. But what I didn't realize about hippos is just how heavy they are.

[00:08:36]Because this hippo did not just stroll into the water. It sprinted full speed then jumped in. And since the hippo is so big, when it hit the water, it made the biggest splash since Rihanna at the Super Bowl. So somehow the water came all the way from the pool 50 ft over to me and everyone else standing by me. We all got drenched because none of us were expecting the water to come that far. So we didn't have time to react. This is literally how it went. Oh, look. The hippo's about to jump in the water.

[00:08:59]Oh no. Did anyone else's mom just tell random people your darkest secrets for no reason? Because I love my mom, but I don't tell her secrets anymore because the moment I do, I know that she'll go down Hollywood Boulevard with a megaphone and tell everyone else. And it's not like she's trying to be mean. I think all moms just naturally do this.

[00:09:14]But it gets even worse because not only will she tell other people my secrets, but she'll slightly change the story to make it sound more embarrassing. Like one time I was at dinner with my mom and her ever act on your intrusive thoughts because my brother just had a baby, but the day I was born, he asked me if I wanted to hold it. So I said yes and was super excited. But the moment I picked up that baby, the first thought in my brain was, "I wonder how far I could throw it." So immediately I told my brother to take the baby back, but he asked why. And I couldn't tell him the real reason. So he was like, "You just started holding him. Hold him for a little while longer." So now I was freaking out because the intrusive thoughts fully kicked in. But while I'm still holding the baby, my sister-in-law goes, "It's getting pretty hot in here.

[00:09:47]Can we open a window?" And before I say this next part, just know that we are on the eighth floor of the hospital. But anyways, the nurse opens the window. And this was the worst possible thing she could have done because right when she did it, my next thought was, "Throw the baby out the window. Throw the baby out the window. Throw the baby out the window." Like, "What is wrong with me?"

[00:10:00]This is your warning to never set an alarm to wake yourself up for school because the other night I set an alarm for the first time cuz my mom used to just wake me up every day. So, I never had to do it. But I don't live with her anymore. So, I set an alarm for 7:00.

[00:10:11]Then I went straight to bed. But the next morning, I wake up and I'm like, "Wow, my alarm didn't go off yet. I feel like I've been sleeping forever." But then I checked the time on my phone and it turns out I was because it was 10:30.

[00:10:22]So, I open the alarm app on my phone to see why it didn't go off. And it turns out I set the alarm for 700 p.m. not 7 a.m. I literally missed my whole class because of this. I mean, luckily it was just a communications class, so who really cares? But still, I can't trust that alarm anymore. Never been in a gym before. And he just lifted that without even trying. But the part that broke my heart was after he did it, he said, "Was that our warm up?" When he said that, I genuinely thought about never going to the gym again. Like that took me 4 YEARS TO GET WHERE HE STARTED AT. OKAY. It's about the journey, right?

[00:10:53]Right. Why are people vegans? Cuz I have a friend that's vegan. And every time I eat with him, he looks like he wants to throw up because of how bad the vegan food is. So I asked him why he's even vegan in the first place if he doesn't like the food. And he said, "It's because I care about the animals and want them to live." Well, that can't be true because you're the one eating all their food now. And then he was like, "Well, I just feel guilty knowing that an animal was sacrificed just so I could eat it." But like, if you don't eat the animal, then it was sacrificed for nothing. YOU JUST FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT. Do vegans not understand that once the meat is in the grocery store, that animal is not coming back to life? cuz I'm sorry, but I don't think you can revive a cow after it's already been turned into a Big Mac. And to any vegan who is like, "Well, if I don't eat meat, then less animals will be used for food." All I have to say to you is that's not true because I've been eating double the amount of meat lately. Wait, man's intuition is so annoying because it's never wrong. They'll know things that they have no reason to know. Like, there was this one creator that I used to love watching and he was super nice.

[00:11:43]So, I showed this girl in my class one of his videos, but immediately within 20 seconds of watching, she goes, "No." And I was like, "What do you mean no?" And she goes, "Something's just off about him. I don't like it." And I was like, "You only watched him for 20 seconds."

[00:11:54]And she just said, "I can't explain it, but I know something's not right about him." But at the time when she said this, I didn't know the power of woman's intuition. So I was just like, "Yeah, right. You're just being a hater." But literally 2 months later, it comes out that this exact creator, who I thought was the best, most nice guy in the world, WAS A CANNIBAL. THIS MAN WAS EATING PEOPLE. And you never would have known because he seemed so normal online, but somehow this girl with her spidey senses JUST FELT IT. WHAT OTHER SUPERPOWERS are you girls not telling us about?

[00:12:18]>> Why do girls always have health problems, but not serious issues? It's always minor things. Like every girl I've ever met either always has a headache, stomach ache, or super tired.

[00:12:26]And that's not even an exaggeration because there was this girl in my class and on the first day of school, she had a really deep voice. So, I was like, "Oh, dang. She must have been screaming at a concert last night or something."

[00:12:35]But then after about 6 weeks, her voice still sounded like this. So, I finally asked her why. And she said it's because she's sick. But I was like, "Wait, you've sounded like this for 6 weeks?"

[00:12:43]And she went, "Yeah, that's how long I've been sick. You've been sick for 6 weeks? What are you sick with?" The bubotic plate. But she was just like, "Oh, no. This is normal for me. Normal?

[00:12:52]You mean you just live like this? But it's not just her. Every girl I've ever talked to is like this. Now, I've only ever talked to like three girls in general. But still, they need to find a cure for this. I hate my birthday for one reason, which is the fact that I know my friend is going to post the most embarrassing picture that could ever possibly be taken of me, for the whole internet to see. Like, every year when it gets close to my birthday, I get super anxious because I know my friend is going to post the most horrible picture ever and say, "Happy birthday, Tyler. Love you." No, you don't. If you actually love me, you wouldn't post a picture of me sneezing with a.5 lens on.

[00:13:21]Like, you just ruined my birthday. But the scary thing is that they have a whole folder of pictures like this.

[00:13:26]Like, it's literally titled Tyler embarrassing pics. What kind of FBI agent stuff is that? I don't even remember them taking half of these pictures, yet they have a whole vault of them. So, to anyone that posts embarrassing pictures of their friends on their birthday, please stop. We can't take it anymore. You had a moment where you realized you were turning into your parents because I was just driving my little cousin home and we passed by a Taco Bell. So, he went, "Ooh, can we get Taco Bell?" And you want to know what I said? I was like, "No, we have food at home." WHY WOULD I SAY THAT? THAT'S MY PARENTS' LINE. AND THE CRAZY PART IS I LOVE TACO BELL. LIKE WHEN WE WERE DRIVING BY IT, I was also thinking, "Oh, Taco Bell sounds really good right now."

[00:13:59]So when I finally realized that I was acting like an unk, you know what I did?

[00:14:02]I told my cousin, "Yeah, actually we can go to Taco Bell." And I made a U-turn and we went to Taco Bell. But this isn't the first time I felt like I was turning into my parents because I had to ask this same cousin what Skibb meant because I had no idea. Like what's next?

[00:14:14]Am I going to start texting people with my index finger? I'm becoming such an unk and I'm scared. A girl whose love language is physical touch is usually also a girl who hates being touched because I like this girl one time, but she was never really interested in me no matter how hard I tried. So I asked her friends what I could do to get her to like me. And they were like, "Well, she always talks about how her love language is physical touch." So I was like, "Awesome. I'll use that to make her like me." But this was a dumb thing to think because we sat across from each other in class. So what I would do is play footsie and tap her feet with mine. It sounds weird. It wasn't. But anyways, I would do this hoping that she would tap my feet back in like a flirtatious way.

[00:14:44]But no, she would always quickly pull her feet away when I tapped them. Until eventually, she got fed up with it and was like, "Would you stop touching my feet?" So, I went to her friends and was like, "WHAT THE HECK? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS SAID HER LOVE LANGUAGE IS PHYSICAL TOUCH." But then they humbled me so hard by saying, "Yeah, but only if it's from people that SHE LIKES." WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL TO KNOW EARLIER.

[00:15:00]EVERYONE IN THAT CLASS PROBABLY THINKS I'M A WEIRD FOOT TOUCHER. Tomorrow is my first day back at school. I'm so excited.

[00:15:07]So excited.

[00:15:10]So excited.

[00:15:13]Someone told me that I really need a therapist. And that sounds like a great idea, but my problem is I would just lie to them. It would be like, "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Are you lying?" "Yeah."

[00:15:22]"Okay, well, that's all the time we have today. That'll be $500." Does anyone else feel like they were born in the wrong generation? Because imagine if they put me and you in 1800s AND THIS ABSOLUTE BANGER CAME ON.

[00:15:35]Ghosts are real. The scariest part about them is definitely the fact that some of them are probably British.

[00:15:42]>> Whoa, a ghost. Cool.

[00:15:44]>> Oi, BROTHER, YOU'RE NOT SCARED OF ME.

[00:15:46]>> YOU'RE BRITISH? YOU GUYS EVER HAD A friend who got their braces off and then all of a sudden they started biting the air every time they talked. They would be like, "Yeah, I did get my braces off." How did you even notice that, though?

[00:15:56]>> Like, we see YOUR JUMPERS. OKAY, WE GET IT. YOUR LIPS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO TWERK EVERY TIME YOU TALK. DOES OLD PEOPLE in nursing homes like to listen to music from their generation like this?

[00:16:06]Does that mean that when our generation is in nursing homes, we're going to be like this? [ __ ] up. I'm a night. That's a different I >> was watching a bunch of motivational videos last night and they hyped me up so much that I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. this morning because I was going to go on a run. Well, now it's 5:00 a.m.

[00:16:22]and I have no idea what I was thinking last night. I'm going back to bed. I want a man that's dulu. Oh, I'm so dulu.

[00:16:29]WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I can't keep up with all these new Tik Tok phrases. I finally just learned last week what glazing means and NOW I GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT. WHO COMES UP WITH THESE? We just saw the most stupid robbery ever. A lady was walking out of a Dollar Tree and a thief comes in and steals her purse. How dumb do you have to be to rob someone that shops AT DOLLAR TREE? THEY ARE SHOPPING there for a reason. They don't have money. A thief probably has more money than the person they robbed.

[00:16:54]What are you GOING TO STEAL? HER PENNIES. Be honest with me. Can I wear this outfit that I'm about to show you to a wedding? Because I think everyone's either going to hate it and laugh at me or everyone's going to love it. Here's the outfit.

[00:17:07]>> What do you think?

[00:17:09]>> Never mind. My mom said the outfit makes me look like a grain of rice, so I'm not wearing it. I was arguing with someone on TikTok and I made a comment that said, "You talk like you're 9 years old." And I click on this person's profile to see what they look like. And their bio literally says 8 years old and all their posts are Roblox clips. I was beefing with an 8-year-old and I was losing. always thought I was the funniest kid in school until this kid that was an orphan showed up. He was misbehaving in class one day and the teacher said, "Anthony, if you keep misbehaving, I'm going TO CALL YOUR PARENTS." AND ANTHONY RESPONDED by saying, "Wait, you found my parents?"

[00:17:40]When I heard him say that, I was like, "Damn, bro." The one thing I had going for me was that I WAS FUNNY. AND NOW THIS KID STOLE IT. I JUST GOOGLED the name of a kid who used to bully me when I was 12 years old. First thing that pops up, a GoFundMe. His house burned down. I I obviously feel so bad for him and his family.

[00:17:59]Somebody from everyone who keeps commenting for me to oil up. My family follows me on here, but they don't understand social media at all. So, what do you think their reaction is when they go in my comment section and see 500 comments saying, "Oil up, oil up, oil up." The past three nights at dinner, I've got to explain to them what that means. So, please stop commenting it. I can't do this anymore.

[00:18:21]>> I go on TikTok, there is something evil that happens to me because like if I see a baby in real life, I'm like, "Oh, that baby is so cute." But if I see a baby on a Tik Tok post, I'm like, "That baby is so stupid. Why are you LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? I JUST BECOME A D1 HATER."

[00:18:35]LIKE, I flip a switch in my brain and just become so hateful. Is anyone else like this?

[00:18:40]>> Why do people on social media switch up so fast? Like, I remember one creator who literally committed crimes and people started to hate on them, but then like a week later, all the comments were back to just saying how much they love them, like they are a felon and all of a sudden you forgot about that. I swear no one in the comments ever thinks for themselves. They just agree with whatever everyone else is saying. That's probably why I still get comments telling me to oil up. It's the same thing. Please stop doing that. By the way, do people have hobbies? Because the other day someone asked me what my hobbies are. And I was like, "Oh, I have a bunch of hobbies." And they're like, "Yeah, like what?" And I panicked because that was a lie. I don't have any hobbies. So, I was like, "Um, sleeping.

[00:19:11]I like sleeping." Uh, napping. Napping is pretty fun. Spoons. Spoons are cool, too. Um, forks are pretty I don't know.

[00:19:18]This is embarrassing. What happens do normal people have?

[00:19:20]>> Dropped my phone on the ground and it cracked the camera. So, for some reason now, every time I record, if something goes across the screen too quickly, then it like glitches out. Here, I'll show you.

[00:19:30]It didn't work that time. So, now I JUST LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. I'M GOING TO do it again. I'll prove it to you that it happens. I swear.

[00:19:36]Why is it NOT DOING IT NOW? ONE MORE TIME. IT'S going to happen. Come on, man. MY PHONE IS GASLIGHTING ME. I WAS DRIVING and I sneezed. So, I swerved a little bit and the car next to me honked. But they didn't stop there. No, they spit up right next to me. And remember, they have tinted windows so I can't see inside their car. And I was thinking, this guy's either just about to flip me off or curse at me or something. So, he rolls his window down and what does he do? He throws A PIECE OF CHEESE AT MY CAR, THEN ROLLS HIS WINDOW right back up WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE CHEESE IN YOUR CAR? ARE YOU GOING TO A PICNIC or something? Why do people break up then get in a different relationship like a month later? Like, how do you do that so quick? Because I know someone who got cheated on and he was crying for like 2 days straight because he said he thought this was the girl that he was going to marry. And 3 weeks later, I see that HE'S ON A PLANE TO go see a new girl.

[00:20:18]HOW DID YOU DO THAT SO QUICKLY? LIKE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE IN A relationship for my whole life and haven't been able to do it once and you did it twice in one month. No one put my number on Craigslist saying that I'm selling wheelchairs. So now every day I'm getting calls from old people asking to buy these wheelchairs. So old people are horrible with technology and they don't understand that there's no wheelchairs.

[00:20:35]So they keep calling me back every day.

[00:20:37]I don't know if these people just have dementia and they forget that they already called me 20 times or if they're just horrible at using the internet, but either way they won't stop. So if you see someone selling wheelchairs ON CRAIGSLIST, IT'S FAKE. DON'T CALL THE NUMBER. THE other day I was recording a Tik Tok and my friend says to me, "Have you ever realized how bad your posture is when you make these videos?" And I said, "No, I haven't really thought about it." So, I'm recording myself from the side right now on another phone to see if it's as bad as he says. And I'll show you guys what it looks like. The other day, I was making a TikTok and my friend says to me, "Have you ever realized how bad I look disgusting?" You know, I'm never slouching again. I'm not. If you see me in public, I'M STANDING UP STRAIGHT LIKE THIS FROM NOW ON.

[00:21:10]>> I made a video where I was dancing and the top comment said, "This is why we need to bring back bullying." But the worst part is it had 45,000 likes. Do you know how many people that is? This is what it looks like. Imagine this many people saying that you deserve to get bullied. The worst part is you guys are right. I probably deserve to get bullied for my dancing. But I don't see you on Dancing WITH THE STARS. HUH? LET'S SEE YOUR DANCE MOVE.

[00:21:33]>> No one talks about how crazy it is when people that you went to school with start to get married because there's two people from my school that just got married. Meanwhile, I still live with my parents. I asked the guy who's getting married what he likes to do for fun. And he said that he likes to do wedding planning with his fiance. And then he asked me what I like to do for fun. And I was like, "Oh, I like to play Minecraft." I don't know. Like, bro, I'm still just a little baby and you're getting married. Like, I practically came out of the womb yesterday. I'm still an infant. Never tell your barber that you don't like their haircut because one time I was at a barber shop and the barber literally sliced a dude's ear. Like, his ear started bleeding. It It looked like my Tyson did it. But because the guy was so scared to tell the barber that there was a problem, he just told him it was fine and to keep cutting his hair. And I know he was lying because I could literally see him trying to hold back tears during the rest of the haircut. But there was nothing you could have done to make that man tell the barber that he had a problem with the haircut. You just can't do it. I don't know why you can never tell the barber you don't like their haircut. I think it might be illegal.

[00:22:19]How did people break up then say they hate their ex? Because I know so many people who are like, "Uh, my ex is the worst person on earth. Uh, my ex is so ugly." You literally chose to date them.

[00:22:27]A couple of months ago, you said you love them. Do you know how much you have to like someone to date them and now all of a sudden they're ugly? Like why can't a relationship just end and both people say, "Oh, we just weren't a good match."

[00:22:36]Your ex doesn't always have to be the worst person on earth. Personally, I don't think it's a good look when you talk that negative about your ex.

[00:22:41]Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

[00:22:42]Person I went to school with passed away like a year ago and I was going through a list of the people that I follow and their name came up. So, I'm trying to decide if I should unfollow them or not.

[00:22:50]I feel like it's messed up to do, but we weren't close or anything. We were just acquaintances. And I know this may sound crazy, but I have a feeling that if I unfollow them, their ghost will haunt me. I know it probably won't happen, but I don't want to take the chance. Like, they're never going to post again, so do I need to follow them? Also, their account is private. So, if I unfollow them, I will never be able to follow them again. What do I do?

[00:23:08]>> This is your warning to not text in lowercase. Because one time I was texting a girl in lowercase, and I thought it was going really well until she said, "Why are you texting like that?" But I didn't really understand what she meant. So, I said, "Texting like what?" And then she said, "You're typing in lowercase? That's supposed to be for girls only." And then she stopped talking to me. I'm not going to lie, I was hurt, but I also had a bunch of respect for her because it was true.

[00:23:25]Every time I typed in lowercase, I always felt just a little sassy, you know? It didn't feel right. I only did it cuz everyone else did it. But now, I learned my lesson. I'm never typing a lowercase again. One time I had a crush on this girl, so I slid into her DMs and sent a message saying hello. Or at least I thought I did. And I know that's a horrible first message. I got no game.

[00:23:41]But anyways, when I typed the DM out, apparently it spell checked to Hippo.

[00:23:45]And I sent it without even realizing it.

[00:23:46]So a couple hours later, I went to go see if she read my message, but it was too late because she already blocked me.

[00:23:52]There was literally not a worst thing that spell check could have changed me into, but usually I get no response. So her blocking me might actually be progress. I saw a Tik Tok video where someone was able to run 10 miles because they just imagine someone that's trying to pinch their nipples is chasing them.

[00:24:04]So, I'm going to try it. Mile one done.

[00:24:06]I feel so fast. This is easy. I could run forever. Mile two done. This is the worst thing ever. I don't know why people do this for fun. Mile three done.

[00:24:15]Tell my family I love them. I don't think I'm going to make it home. I'm still on mile four. I'm pretty sure I am paralyzed from the waist down. I've accepted the fact that this is the spot where I will pass away.

[00:24:25]>> How do people date someone that they don't want to marry? It doesn't make sense. How can you be in a relationship with someone and know that you're not going to marry them? That's such a waste of time. And I've asked people who are in relationships like this why they do it. And they always say something like, "Oh, I don't want to be alone." Then get a dog. When you need a companion, you get a pet, not a human that you're going to leave when you're bored. Or another response they'll always have is, "I just want to have fun right now." How is it fun being in a relationship with someone when you know it's going to end? I would be crying the whole time. I don't get it. Someone is catfishing people on Tinder by using my pictures. And all I have to say is that is awesome. I will admit it is messed up, but do you know how flattering that is? Like, you think I'm good-looking enough that you're going to catfish people with my pictures? Like, that is the best compliment you could get from someone.

[00:25:04]Now, I will say it is weird. So, whoever is doing this, don't be saying weird stuff and pretending that it's coming from me because I know you're a little freaky if you're a catfish already. But, if you're going to be using my pictures, don't be too freaky. All right? But also, at the same time, thank you. I really needed the confidence booster. I appreciate it. No one talks about how crazy women's intuition is because there was a girl at my school that thought her boyfriend was cheating on her, but she had no evidence of it. She just had a gut feeling. So, she literally went through a list of all the girls that her boyfriend followed and she somehow found a random girl's page that she just had a weird suspicion about. So, she DM'd her and apparently that girl was also dating the guy at the same time and neither of them knew. She just randomly picked the right girl. How did she do that? Out of the 400 people that he follows, you may ask. I don't know. But that's why you don't cheat on your girlfriend. They will turn into the best detective you've ever seen. What do people talk about?

[00:25:48]Because like I'm not shy, but I just cannot think of anything to say when I'm talking to someone. I see people having conversations for hours and I'm like, "What do you guys talk about?" Because after I say, "Hey, how are you doing?"

[00:25:59]I'm finished. It's gotten so bad that one time I Googled what to talk about with people and the search results terrified me because all of them were like, "Hey, don't worry. I don't know how to talk to people either." But now I'm 39, single, no friends, and I have a lizard. And honestly, I kind of like this life. Like, no offense, but I do not want to be you. This is so disgusting. My dog keeps farting while I'm trying to eat. And now all my food tastes like seasoned farts. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. The food even smells like farts now. The fumes from his farts are literally attaching to the food. His gas is literally making my eyes water. Imagine that fart spray that used to be popular. This literally smells like it, but 10 times worse. It's like eating a fart. This sucks. I love Wing Stop, but I don't know if I could eat this. And it's so expensive. My fart is literally fogging up from his farts.

[00:26:43]I need to open a window. What did you eat?

[00:26:46]>> I have seen three different animals pass away in three really weird different ways this week. The first animal I saw pass away was a possum. It was in a trash can and the trash can fell over, the possum rolled out and I ran it over on accident. The second time my dog was barking at a squirrel. So, the squirrel climbed up a telephone pole, got electrocuted and fell into our pool. And the third time, which was the most stupid, was I was getting into my car and then I started to close my door and as I closed my door, a butterfly tried to fly in and I crushed it. I had a friend who ate a butterfly once. Weird kid out. I'm pretty sure he's in prison now. But anyways, has anyone else seen stuff like this happen to animals or am I just cursed? Anyone else just like obsessed with drama? Because I am. And that's why I've been loving this new show. This crazy crew of my family are African.

[00:27:24]>> They do not expect you to be doing shots or social royal rules of Ohio. May 15th on Freeform.

[00:27:34]>> I mean, I knew royal families existed, but I didn't think they were in America, and I definitely didn't think there was one in Ohio. If you guys need a new show that's actually unique, I would watch this. So, watch Free Form's Royal Rules of Ohio. Stream on Hulu now. Ever eat in public? Because the other night, I was at a restaurant and the people in front of me were taking a selfie. So, I was in the background of the picture, but I don't notice they were taking a picture until the very last second. So, if you look back at the photo, it looks like I'm just creepily staring into their camera. So, I could literally see the girl look at the photo and then turn back at me like this. But the most embarrassing part is that after this happened, I could still see her phone from where I was sitting. So, you want to know what she did? She made a sticker out of my head on Snapchat. So, if someone's camera roll somewhere, there is just a random sticker of my floating head. This is what happens when I go out in public. So, yeah. I'm I'm never leaving the house again.

[00:28:15]>> Why aren't you meing, bro? Needs to start meing. I don't know what mewing is. I keep hearing about it, but it doesn't make sense to me. How do I me?

[00:28:23]>> Okay, I just looked it up and apparently you have to put your tongue to the roof of your mouth and it makes your jawline look better. So, I'm going to try it.

[00:28:29]Ready?

[00:28:32]Yo, wait one second.

[00:28:34]Yo, do you see that?

[00:28:37]Yo, my jawline looks amazing. Wait, one more time. One more time. Yo, I'm doing it. I'm meuing.

[00:28:44]I'm a muer. this is your warning to never cry in front of me because one time my friend came up to me looking super sad. So I asked him what was wrong and he literally was like my dog it passed away yesterday and I genuinely felt so bad for him but whenever someone is crying to me I have no idea what to do so I just start laughing for some reason. So when he told me his dog passed away this was literally my reaction. Oh my gosh dude that's horrible. I'm so sorry.

[00:29:08]And after I did this my friend was like dude why are you laughing? That's so messed up. And I was like I don't know.

[00:29:12]I can't control it. So just don't cry in front of I'm sorry. I'm not the right person to go to. Ever hang out alone with your best friend? Because I used to do that. But then one day someone asked us if we were dating and I was like, "No, why would you think that?" And they said, "Well, you do a lot of things that couples do together." And I was like, "What? No, we don't." But then I thought about it and I was like, "Damn, he's right." Like, we've gotten massages together. We've gone to movies together.

[00:29:31]We go to restaurants with just us two.

[00:29:33]But the biggest reason why I know that people actually think this is because his girlfriend doesn't really like me.

[00:29:37]And I always wonder why. But now I think I know. I'm pretty sure she thinks we've got something going on between us.

[00:29:42]Listen, Mia, I don't watch your man, okay? I just don't have my own girlfriend to do these things with.

[00:29:46]Don't got to rub it in my face. I was just in a hot tub with two deaf people and it got so weird because they would look at me and then do sign language to each other and laugh. So, I knew they were either judging me or making fun of me. And listen, I don't discriminate. If you want to talk trash, I'll talk trash.

[00:29:59]So, my first idea was to cover both of their eyes so they couldn't communicate anymore. But, that was kind of too far.

[00:30:04]So, I did this motion back to them because I thought that meant like f you or screw you. But then they laughed even more. So, I looked it up and apparently this is calling someone cute in sign language. They were not cute. They were mean. So, if anyone knows how to talk trash in sign language, please tell me because I need to fight back next time.

[00:30:20]How do people cheat? Like, it genuinely seems hard to cheat. Cuz I knew someone that was in a relationship and while they were in it, they would go on Tinder and try to find people to hook up with, but they would put their location in 200 miles away from where they were actually at because he didn't want anyone in his area to find out that he was on Tinder and tell his girlfriend. So, when he would get a match with someone, it would be 200 miles away. And he said he would literally drive out all the way there, hook up with her, and then come back the same day. Like, that's a full-time job.

[00:30:45]I don't get how people can be this damn bad, though. Like, you obviously don't love YOUR GIRLFRIEND, JUST BREAK UP WITH THE POOR GIRL. HE TOLD ME that a lot of people actually do this. So, have you guys heard of this happening before?

[00:30:53]Does anyone else have a friend that will answer FaceTime no matter what they're doing? Because tell me why I just FaceTime my friend. And he answered in a suit and tie and he started whispering.

[00:31:01]So, I was like, "Why are you whispering?" And he said, "I don't want the judge to hear me." I said, "What do you mean you don't want the judge to hear you?" He flipped the camera around and this man WAS LITERALLY AT COURT. He was in the middle of jury duty and he answered my FaceTime. So I said, "You didn't have to pick up. Why did you answer this?" And he was like, "Oh, I don't know. I was just kind of bored."

[00:31:17]But the craziest part is that I looked it up and apparently you're not even ALLOWED TO HAVE YOUR PHONE AT JURY DUTY.

[00:31:22]HOW DID YOU DO THIS? THIS GUY COULD BE ON TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST and he would still answer my FaceTime. I I don't get it. If you're ever feeling embarrassed, just know that I used to never wear underwear when I was a kid, but this ended up ruining my life because one day at school, there was a group of kids going around just pulling everyone's pants down because they thought it was funny. And most people laughed when I did it, but I was terrified because I knew that if they tried to do that to me, everyone would see my Willie. So the whole day, I just made sure to be super aware of all my surroundings. But then at recess, I was playing basketball and as I jumped to shoot the ball, a kid creeps up behind me and pulls my pants down. But the worst part was that since I was jumping, as he was pulling my pants, they came like all the way down.

[00:31:53]It took me a good like 5 seconds to get my pants back up and everyone could see my private parts for that whole time.

[00:31:57]But from that moment on, I have worn underwear every day since. I should have switched schools, bro. Third wheeling a couple can either be the best experience ever or the worst experience ever because I used to third wheel my friend and his girlfriend and it literally felt like I was their child. I loved it. But when they would argue, it was horrible because they would make me get involved.

[00:32:11]Like my friend forgot their one year anniversary so she got really angry at him and then they started arguing with each other so they asked me for my opinion on the situation and what am I supposed TO SAY? NO MATTER WHO I agree with, someone is going to be mad at me.

[00:32:21]But the worst part was that when they broke up, I literally felt like I was a child going through divorce. Like after the breakup, she would talk trash about him to me and he would talk trash about her to me. And I was like, "You guys know that I'm still friends with both of you, right? Like, stop talking bad about EACH OTHER. GROW UP ALREADY. YOU SIGNED THE papers already. All right, the divorce is final. LEAVE ME OUT OF THERE."

[00:32:36]>> WELCOME BACK TO oversharing to you guys because I don't have any friends to overshare to. So, I always thought I was going to want to open casket at my funeral, but I recently found out that that is a horrible idea because last month I went to a funeral that had an open casket. And while everyone was super sad and crying, there was a girl that's about 11 years old and she ran up to the casket and took a selfie with the corpse. Yes, she took a selfie with a deceased body. Now, I don't blame her.

[00:32:56]She's a child. But if you think I'm going to get caught lacking at my own funeral and let someone take a selfie with me while I can't post, that's not happening. I get insecure when people take pictures of me when I know it's going to happen. You think I'm going to let someone take a picture of me while I can't pose? No. Like, imagine taking a picture of your bad side. That's so embarrassing.

[00:33:11]>> I'm not letting it happen. May have done something stupid today, but it wasn't as stupid as what my friend did. My friend was throwing a surprise party for his girlfriend that he's been dating for 6 months. Remember that? And he invited a bunch of their friends over, but when she got there, everyone jumped out and yelled, "Surprise!" But she was super confused. Why was she confused, you may ask? Well, you see, it turns out her birthday wasn't for another three months. How did my friend get her birthday that wrong, you may ask? Well, he never actually knew his girlfriend's birthday, but he thought he did. And it turns out that he mixed up his current girlfriend's birthday with his ex-girlfriend's birthday. And you know what the dumbest part was? He told her that. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ADMIT THAT? JU JUST don't talk. Don't say anything.

[00:33:44]There's nothing you can say that will make the situation better. But hey, I still had a free slice of cake, so it was a good day for me. My brother used to always say that he thought I was autistic. Again, it kind of makes sense because when I was younger, I used to think that being lactose intolerant meant that you were scared of cows. So, when my friend told me that he was lactose intolerant, I thought it would be a great idea to get a cow costume, show up at his house, ring his doorbell, and scare him dressed up as a cow. So, that's what I did. I got the cow costume. I rang his doorbell and he was crying. So, I was like, "Oh my gosh, yes, it worked. I scared him." No, because right behind him, his sister was also crying. So, it turns out that he wasn't crying because I scared him with my costume. He was crying because their dog just passed away. I had to give my condolences to them dressed up as a damn fame and young. But the worst part was that being lactose intolerant doesn't even mean that you're scared of cows.

[00:34:22]So, do you know how stupid I looked when I tried to explain to them what I was doing? My brother may have just been right. May have never go on your phone IN PUBLIC. IT'S NOT safe anymore.

[00:34:30]Because I was walking out of the grocery store to my car, but I was on my phone, so I wasn't really paying attention.

[00:34:34]When I got to my car, I tried pulling on the door handle and it wouldn't budge, but I was like, "That's weird. I already pressed the unlock button. Why is the door not opening?" And after a couple seconds of trying, the window rolls down a little bit and an old lady screams, "Get away from me. I'll call the cops."

[00:34:46]It wasn't until that moment that I took a step back, looked at the vehicle, and realized this wasn't my car. This poor old lady thought I was trying to break into her car while she was in it. But the worst part was that she didn't even seem scared of me. Like, she was just warning me. So, do I not look capable of being a scary burglar? Like, just imagine me being like, "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY." YEAH, I just watched that back.

[00:35:04]Now I see why she wasn't scared of me. I don't look intimidating at all. Never use flash when you're taking a picture because one time I was on the bus and there was this guy that was trying to fit his whole fist in his mouth. Don't ask why. I don't know. but he was getting really close to actually fitting it. So, I was like, "This guy is crazy.

[00:35:18]I need to record this." But obviously, I didn't want him to see me recording. So, I got my phone out and I pretended to take a selfie so he wouldn't be suspicious. But what I didn't know is that my flash was on. So, I pressed record and immediately the light just flashes in this guy's face. And this guy's naturally just kind of crazy looking. You know what I mean? So, he quickly turns his head with his eyes wide open and he's like twitching like this. And I'm thinking, "This guy's going to bite me or something." So, I panicked and I threw my phone across the bus and now this is what my phone looks like. I can't even see the time anymore.

[00:35:42]So, I guess that's what I deserve for recording a stranger in public. My bad, bro. But I'm never taking the bus again.

[00:35:47]Oh, you think your hamster died in a crazy way? Wait till you hear about how mine died. I was playing with my hamster in the living room one day and the fireplace happened to be on. And also, I have a dog and this dog gets super jealous whenever I'm holding the hamster. So, he's just staring at it.

[00:35:58]And my hamster loves to bite people.

[00:36:00]Like, it's how he shows affection, I think. So, he bit me really hard and I accidentally dropped him for like only one second. But in that second, this poor hamster was on the floor and my dog saw him. So, he started chasing after him and the hamster ran into the fireplace. The poor little guy started screaming and he was only in there for like a second because I grabbed him out right when I saw what happened, but it was too late. He already passed away.

[00:36:19]And then when I got him out of the fireplace, I let him cool down on the floor for a second because he was too hot to touch and my dog started licking him. It's not funny. It's not funny. How do you compliment the opposite gender without making them think you're flirting? Because the other day I saw this girl and she had a thick jacket on.

[00:36:33]So, I said, "I like your jacket." And she was really sweet, but she was like, "Oh, thank you. Um, but I actually have a boyfriend, okay? And I have a goldfish. Like, are we just naming things that we have or what? I don't think I could have said nice jacket any more platonically than I did. But it still sounded like I was flirting. But the worst part is that now it seems like I was desperate for her and I just got turned down. So, how do I make it sound like I'm not flirting? Like, do I just need to be like, "Girl, that jacket is slaying." Because I've thought about it and that's like the only way I think I can give a compliment without it sounding flirtatious. What if I just start giving compliments in sign language? Would that work? I'm going to be like, Have you ever had a friend that falls in love with a new person every week?

[00:37:10]Because one time a girl transferred to my school and the moment my friend saw her, he was like, "Dude, I'm going to marry her one day." And he was so serious. So I was like, "Bro, you haven't even talked to her. How do you know you love her?" And he was just like, "When you know, you know." But the next week, I asked him how it was going with this girl. And he said he moved on from her because he had a new crush on a girl he met at the grocery store. So I was jokingly like, "Dude, this is not healthy. You need therapy." But then to my surprise, he was like, "I already do go to therapy." So I was like, "Oh, cool. How do you like it? And he said he loved it because he has a crush on his therapist. Now that I think about it, he also said he loved my mom one time, but now I'm wondering if he meant it in a weird way. So, if you see this man in public, don't make eye contact with him.

[00:37:46]He will probably fall in love with you.

[00:37:48]Get ready with me to go to a funeral.

[00:37:49]So, my grandma passed away last week, right? And don't get me wrong, I'm really sad, but she left us her house in her will. And I'm sure some of you will probably say, "Okay, cool. She gave you her house, but you should still be more sad than you are right now." And to that, I say, "Shut up. My grandma would want me to be happy. Matter of fact, she always told me that I was her favorite grandad. Mostly because she had dementia and she forgot all her other grandkids.

[00:38:10]But still, another reason I'm so happy is I heard there's going to be a chocolate fountain AT THE FUNERAL. WHAT?

[00:38:16]ARE THEY GOING TO PUT a bounce house there, too? Like, you're telling me if you were at a funeral and they had a chocolate fountain and a bounce house, you would not be happy. Anyways, this is the final look.

[00:38:30]just got banned from this cemetery because I was at a funeral for someone I don't know because I like going to random funerals. But I'm also really bad in awkward situations and a lady at the funeral was crying. So I said, "Hey, don't cry. Just picture everyone here naked and you'll start to smile." And to be fair, she did stop crying, but only because she was yelling at me. Now, after she started yelling, more people came over to us, and everyone started to realize that I didn't know anyone there.

[00:38:50]So, I got kicked out at the funeral. And the security guard said that I'm banned from ever going to that cemetery again.

[00:38:54]I told him, "You can't ban me. My great grandma lives in this cemetery." But then he said, "You're going to be right next to your great grandma for eternity if you ever come back." I switched up so fast. I was like, "Yes, sir. I'll never come back." So now I can never visit my great grandma again. That kind of sucks, but it's my fault. By the way, rest in peace, Martin. Sorry if I ruined your funeral. So coyotes are allowed here, but I can't ever come back. Come on, man. Why do people say they can't cook?

[00:39:14]Like, that doesn't even make sense. All you have to do is follow the directions that the recipe calls for. There's literally a movie about a rat being able to cook, but you can't do it. Obviously, if someone were to tell me to make a beef Wellington, I couldn't do it on the spot. But if you give me some directions, I could do it. Like, all you have to do is read. Add one cup of flour. Okay. Add a cup of flour. How can you not do that? Does saying that you can't cook just mean that you can't like count or read? Because if you can read and count as good as like a three-year-old, then there's no reason you shouldn't be able to understand how to add one DANG CUP OF FLOUR. Or or the only exception I can see for people saying that they can't cook is if they burn their house down cooking. Yeah, you're right. You cannot cook, bro. But for everyone else that says it, do you not know how to cook or do you just not want to cook? This is your warning to not be friends with tall people because I used to be friends with someone that was like 6' 7. And if you have a friend that's really tall, then you know that they will make fun of your height even if you're not short. Like when I would hang out with him, even though I myself am also above average height, when I was standing next to him, everyone would joke that I was 4'11. Do you know how short 4'11 is? Danny DeVito is 4'11.

[00:40:13]Also, he would always call me a little munchkin. And I don't know about you, but I am way too insecure to be called that. But the worst part was that sometimes he would use my head as an armrest. And at this point, I was like, "All right, I can't take this disrespect anymore. I need to do something." And then I had an idea. I'm going to chop his legs off. I'm just kidding. I didn't do that. Um, but I did seriously think about it. I just don't stand within 10 ft of him anymore. That way, I don't look like an Oompa Loompa. I just can't keep being compared to Danny Devito. No offense, Mr. Devito. You seem like a really nice guy. What would you do if a little kid's mom tried to pepper spray you? Because that's what happened to me today. I was minding my own business and then a little kid comes up to me and says, "Your shirt is And then he does a cartwheel as he walks away. And I could have just let the situation in there, but I have a very fragile ego. So I decided to say, "Hey buddy, your cartwheel is ugly." And this made the kid start to cry. And he ran to his mom and pointed at me. And then the mom started to walk over to me. And I was like, "Oh, I know I'm in trouble now."

[00:41:01]So I pretended to be on a phone call.

[00:41:03]You know, like when you're too scared to talk to a girl, so you pretend to be on the phone. But the mom did not care. So she went right up to me and she started screaming at me. So I tried to deescalate the situation and I said, "Lady, I'm sorry for what I said to your kid, but he's also a snitch." And then she tried to pepper spray me. Now, I don't blame her for trying to pepper spray me. It was honestly kind of a boss move. I should probably just stop arguing with little kids. You know how when you were in school and your teacher was late to class, everyone thought that if they didn't show up within 15 minutes to class, you could leave? Or maybe that was just at my school. But one time this actually happened in my class. But I didn't know this rule was a thing. So after the 15 minutes passed, a kid told me about it. And for some reason, I just completely believed him. No question. So I left because I was really hungry. So I went to go get a snack from the store next to our school. But apparently this rule is completely false because I came back to school for my next class and all of a sudden someone walks into our class, whispers into the teacher's ear, and then the teacher goes, "Kyler, they need you in the office." So I go to the office, and that is when I received my first and only ever detention. But then the next day, I show up to the class where the teacher was late, and she was acting LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT. She was like, "Tyler, I heard you ditched class yesterday." No, I didn't. You did. But yeah, don't try doing that. It's It's not true. How do people take more than a day to respond to text messages? It doesn't make sense because when was the last time you didn't check your phone for over a day? Probably never. Or maybe I'm just chronically online. But anyways, one time someone told me they just don't have the energy to reply.

[00:42:20]What does that even mean? It takes 1 second. I'm not asking you to run a marathon. I'm just asking for a text back. Like I remember another time where a girl somehow took 4 days to reply to me. So I was like, "All right, I'm going to match her energy and not reply for a while." Dog, I started shaking after 14 seconds. So I gave in and texted her back. But then after I replied to her, she didn't respond again for 2 days. So, I double texted her and I said, "I know you're on your phone. Why don't you respond?" And within a minute, she responded and said, "You're right. I am on my phone. I just don't want to talk to you." Did I cry a little bit? Yeah, but at least she texted me back quickly.

[00:42:52]I'm so delusional. Nobody talks about how having a crush will literally turn you into a detective because one time I stalked this girl social media because I liked her. So, I wanted to learn everything about her and I found her Visco. And about 20 minutes into scrolling through it, I saw one of her posts that had a really niche song on it that not many people know. So, after I found this, I posted a story with this song on it, as if I actively listen to this band. And she swiped up on it and she was like, "Oh my gosh, you listen to this band, too." I said, "Yes, girl.

[00:43:13]This is my favorite band." It's a good thing she didn't pull the Name Five songs card out because I would have been cooked. But anyway, she was like, "No way. I love that band, too. I didn't think anyone else knew about them." And my response was, "Are you kidding? I thought I was the only one who listened to them." So, we started talking a lot, but do not try this because if you build a relationship online, they will find out because a couple months later, she was showing me a picture of one of the people in the band, and I was like, "Who is that?" that. So, she started to figure out that I actually have no idea who this band is. So, I admitted to her what I did and she thought it was weird.

[00:43:38]So, don't try it. Don't try. Have you ever had a class with your best friend?

[00:43:42]Because it may sound like fun, but it's actually the worst thing ever because I had a class with mine and one time he shaved his head completely bald. And don't ask why. I don't know. But anyways, on that same day, the teacher was really late to class and when she finally arrived, she was crying and she said, "I'm sorry, guys. I know you're probably all wondering what's going on.

[00:43:59]I just got news that my mother passed away." Obviously, that's very tragic news, right? Well, after she told us this, she started crying even more, and I felt really bad for her. But then I looked over at my friend, and he just looked so ridiculous with the light shining off of his bald head that I literally laughed out loud. And the teacher must have thought that I was laughing at her crying, so she kicked me out of class. I didn't deserve to get kicked out of class. It's not my fault my friend looks like Walter White. But I think there's something wrong with me.

[00:44:23]Every time there's an awkward situation, I laugh. My condolences to my teacher, though. I'm sure your mother was lovely.

[00:44:29]When people say massage parlors are scary, they are not kidding. I just went there for the first time and this tiny Asian lady was there working and I had no expectations going into this. But now I know to never go back. First of all, she forced me to take all of my clothes off. Like all of them. At first, I took off everything except my underwear. Then she aggressively told me to take those off, too. SHE LITERALLY SAID, "TAKE OFF UNDERWEAR." SO, I don't know if that part is normal or if I'm like a victim now or something. But anyways, the lady that worked there was like the smallest person ever. Like, I think if a Chihuahua saw her in public, it would eat her. But I think she was possessed because there was no other explanation for how she was so strong. When she massaged my back, I thought she turned into the Hulk. IT FELT LIKE SHE was doing a WWE takedown like this.

[00:45:05]>> I got it. I think I BROKE MY BACK.

[00:45:08]>> I STARTED SCREAMING because it hurt SO BAD. AND BECAUSE I screamed, she slapped me and said, "Go screaming." It's a good thing the place was so dark because if she saw how much I was crying, I think she would have chopped one of my toes off or something. I do not care if I get insulted by a man or a woman. But if I get insulted by a kid, I want to cry because they do not lie. If they insult you, they said it because they truly believe it. Like one time I was at the airport just minding my own business and this little kid comes up to me and says, "Why do you have a pepperoni on your face?" So I pull my phone out to look at myself on the camera and I see nothing there. So I'm like, "What do you mean I have a pepperoni on my face?" And he puts his finger on my forehead and goes, "Right here." And I realized that he's talking about a pimple I had. So I laughed and went, "Oh, that's not a pepperoni. It's a pimple." And he goes, "Oh, that's really big." So I'm like, "Yeah, it is. Where are your parents?"

[00:45:50]Because when an older person insults you, YOU CAN FIGHT BACK. BUT WITH A LITTLE KID, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?

[00:45:55]You can't read. Of course he can't read.

[00:45:56]He's bored.

[00:45:57]>> So now, anytime a little kid looks at my general direction, this is what I do.

[00:46:02]I'm just going to run away from them every time now. I can't take any more ego hits. Have you ever met someone that's love language is literally just being mean? Like, the meaner they are, the more they love you. And I didn't know these people existed until I liked this girl one time, but I thought she really didn't like me because every time I would talk to her, she would just be really mean. Like one time I told her that I liked her outfit and instead of saying thank you, she literally just said that I'm stupid. So, at that point, I was like, "Okay, I get the message.

[00:46:24]I'll stop bothering you." But then when I did that, she got more angry and she was like, "Why are you avoiding me?" Um, I don't know. Maybe it's because you scare me and you seem like you really don't like me. But she just said that was how she shows affection. So, on one hand, I was happy. But on the other hand, I was like, "I don't know how much more of your affection I can take, dog."

[00:46:40]But the scariest part about being friends with these people is that when they're actually angry, you can't tell because that's how they always are. It's almost flattering when they're mean to you, though, because it's like, "Come on, you know you like me." But if you actually say that to them, they might hurt you. They are the most rewarding people to be friends with, though. Hands down. Nobody talks about how boys and girls cope with breakups very differently because I knew this couple who broke up and they said it was mutual. So, you wouldn't think either of them would be too sad. But literally the day after they broke up, I had classes with both of them. So, I saw the guy at school and he cut all his hair off. So, I asked him why he did that and he said he had to because he was joining the military. So, I was like, "When did you make that decision?" And he said, "Yesterday." At least give it a couple days. That's not a decision you should make so abruptly. But for the girl, she didn't show up to school for like a week straight after the breakup. But then this one day, I see a new girl in class and I'm thinking, "That's weird. I've never seen her before." But then I look at her a little closer and I realized it was the girl from the relationship. I just didn't recognize her because she changed her hair from brown to blonde and she completely changed the way she dressed. This is terrifying because how am I going to react if I ever get broken up with? Let's be real though, that's never going to happen because I can't even get in a relationship.

[00:47:44]Have you ever met someone that everybody loved but you got a bad vibe from?

[00:47:47]because I did one time and it turns out I was right. So, there was this new kid at our school and immediately within the first week of him being there, it seemed like he was already everyone's best friend. But whenever I would see him interact with people, something about it just looked like he was being fake. So, I brought this up with my friends and they had no idea what I was talking about. Like, they loved him too. So, at that point, I was like, "Okay, maybe I'm just jealous that everyone likes this kid. Maybe I'm the problem." But as time went on, it felt like he was lowkey trying to turn my friends against me.

[00:48:10]So, at that point, I was like, "Okay, I got to do something about this." So, I started researching him and I found out that the reason he transferred to our school was because he got kicked out of his old one. You know why? Because he punched a girl. Yes. Sorry. I wasn't doing a fist pump because I was happy a girl got punched. I was doing a fist bump because I was happy that my gut was right. My condolences to the girl. But anyways, if you think someone ever gives off a bad vibe, trust yourself. You're probably right. You and your friend have a crush on the same person, do not fight them over it. It will end horribly. Me and my friend had a crush on the same girl. So, to decide, we got to ask her out. We had a competition where our other friends would put pillowcases over our heads. So, we couldn't see anything.

[00:48:45]And they put us in the woods by ourselves and then they left. So, we had no idea where they were at. And the competition was whoever ran back to my friend's house first won. But, we had no idea how to get there. So, I was kind of already freaking out because I was in the woods by myself and I had no idea where to go. But then, like 30 minutes into the competition, I started to get really itchy and red. So, I was freaking out even more because I was alone and I had no idea what was happening to me.

[00:49:03]So, I started screaming as loud as I could, hoping that anyone would hear me.

[00:49:06]And my friends did. So, they ran over to me and later I found out that I just had poison ivy. That's why I was freaking out over nothing, but obviously I lost the competition by default. So the next day, my friend immediately asked this girl out, and it turns out that she liked women the whole time. So I basically got Poison Ivy for no reason.

[00:49:19]Now that I think of it, we could have just played rock paper scissors to see who got to ask her out. Why did we not do anyone else's parents ever say you should be more like your friend without knowing how crazy that friend actually was? Because one time my mom and I got into a big argument. So she was like, "Why can't you be more like Dylan? He's so mature and polite." And when she said that, I tried not to laugh because little did she know Dylan was a real life super villain. And she saw that I was holding back my lap after she said that. So she was like, "What's so funny?" And I said, "Mom, if you knew what Dylan does, you would not be saying that." So she replied with, "Well, what does Dylan do then?" And I thought about not telling her because I didn't want to expose Dylan, but I was like, "No, I got to do it. I got to protect myself." So I told her that during school when we were in the locker room, Dylan had a spray deodorant that he would use every day, but he also had a lighter. So he would use these two things to spray FLAMES AT PEOPLE WHILE THEY WERE changing in the locker room. Everyone would run away from him because he WAS THROWING THESE FLAMES AT EVERYBODY. LIKE IF YOU SAW THIS guy doing that in public, you would run for cover. But yeah, mom, I can be more like him if that's what you want. I love my mom though. Just want to say that nobody talks about how girls have a secret way of communicating. And I found this out because one time I was talking to a girl I liked and I saw that she got a text from someone with the name Apple.

[00:50:26]So I was like, "Huh, I wonder who that is." But then a few minutes later, I saw her get another text from someone with the name Strawberry. So because I liked her, I decided to be nosy. And I went to this girl's friend and I said, "Hey, do you know who Apple and Strawberry are?"

[00:50:37]And she was like, "Apple and strawberry can be different people for everyone."

[00:50:40]So I was like, "What does that mean?"

[00:50:41]And she told me that when a girl likes a guy, she will give that guy a code name.

[00:50:45]And most of the time this code name will be a fruit. So after I thought about it, I was like, "Oh, apple and strawberry are other guys that she likes." But then I was like, "Wait, that's not good for me." But the worst part was that one day I saw her scrolling through her contacts and she had like 18 different fruits in there. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS MANY fruits existed. She was talking to so many guys that she had to start coming up with really obscure fruits like paya and pimmen. So if you know a girl that has a bunch of fruit names in her contacts, I'm sorry, but it's over.

[00:51:12]Never fall asleep on your back because last night I was laying in bed, but I just cannot fall asleep for some reason.

[00:51:16]And I always fall asleep on my side, but tonight it was super uncomfortable. So I decided to go on my back and within 5 minutes of doing that, I fell asleep.

[00:51:23]Sounds great, right? Well, the only issue was that I woke up in the middle of the night, so I was like, "Oh, might as well go to the bathroom." So, I tried to get up, but I couldn't move my body.

[00:51:30]At first, I thought I was just dreaming or something. But then I realized I was fully conscious. And then all of a sudden, I see a dark figure in the corner of my room, and it kept getting closer to me and closer to me. So, I was terrified because I couldn't move or run away. But then the dark figure walked out of my eyesight, so I couldn't see it anymore until randomly, it popped up right in front of my face. At this point, my heart was racing, but then I started to hear whispering and I was like, "Where is this coming from?" But for some reason, whenever someone whispers in my ear, it makes me super ticklish. So, when this happened, I started to wiggle my toes and I realized I could move again. and then I woke up.

[00:51:57]So, I don't know if I was dreaming or if I wasn't, but it felt super real. All I know is that this never happened until the one night I sleep on my back. So, I'm never doing that again. Also, I may or may not have wet the bed. Have you ever met a friend group where they all secretly don't like each other? Because when I first started going to a new school, I didn't know anyone there, so I was trying to make friends. And there was one kid in my class who invited me to hang out with him and his friend group at lunch. So, I did. They all seemed like they really enjoyed being around each other until I was alone with one of them whose name was Anthony. And he was like, "Dude, Ryland's so annoying, isn't he?" And I was like, "Uh, I see what's going on here. This is a test to see if I'm worthy to be in the friend group." So I was like, "No, Ryland's cool." But then he was like, "No, he's not. None of us like Ryland."

[00:52:34]And I was like, "Damn, he's being serious. Poor Ryland." But then I had a class with one of the other people in the friend group whose name was Marcus.

[00:52:40]And he said, "I saw you hanging out with Anthony." And I was like, "Yeah." And he said, "I feel bad for you." So I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because he's awful.

[00:52:47]Why do you say that?" I asked. And he was like, "He snitched on me for cheating on my girlfriend." So I was like, "Why are any of you guys friends?"

[00:52:53]and he said Anony's parents are rich and they have a really sick house. So, they all secretly despised each other and none of them knew it. But the craziest part was that they were willing to tell strangers about it. That's how much they disliked each other. Yet, they would still hang out. Can't trust anyone. Not many things in life that can embarrass me, except for the one time when I had to fart during a test in school. So, right as I'm about to let it rip, I try to cough to cover it up, but the fart ended up being like 5 seconds long. So, I just had to keep coughing the whole time. I was like, and I thought I got away with it. But after class ended, one of my friends came up to me and he was like, "Dude, that was a gnarly fart." And I was like, "What? What are you talking about? I I didn't fart. And he was like, "Dude, you do realize that your fart was like way louder than your cough, right?" So, I asked him if he thought anyone else noticed that I farted. And he was like, "Yeah, literally everyone in the class noticed." So, the next day, I tried to avenge myself by making fart noises in class, hoping that everyone would think that's what I was also doing the day before. And after like 4 minutes of making fart noises, the kid that sits next to me was tired of hearing it. And he was like, "Dude, we all know you farted yesterday, okay? You don't have to fake fart noises. We all know it was real. We could smell it." When he said they could smell it, I thought about packing my bags and moving to the North Pole and never talking to humans again.

[00:53:51]I couldn't take that embarrassment, bro.

[00:53:53]But I got over it. And now I'm happy to say that I own my farts. When I fart in class now, I raised my hand. So if you fart in class, own it. People respect that. People love accountable farters.

[00:54:02]Believing that everyone who looks at you is flirting with you is the most dangerous illusion you can have. Because the other day, I was at Trader Joe's.

[00:54:08]And as I went to check out, the cashier asks me how my day is going. So I say, "It's going good. How about you?" But then she starts asking more personal questions like, "Do you have any plans for the weekend?" And I'm like, "Why you asking?" But by this point, I'm just fully delusional. And I'm thinking she wants me, bro. So, because I thought she liked me, I started asking her questions back and I said, "What are you doing this weekend?" Immediately, she just breaks my heart because then she says, "Oh, I'm going to the movies with my boyfriend." So, apparently, she was cheating on me the whole time. I mean, did we meet 5 seconds ago? Yeah. Did I know her full name yet? No, but I thought we were on the same page. But this isn't even the worst thing that's happened from me being delusional because there was another time where a girl literally just held the door open for me. Like, that's it. So, I was like, "DO I FEEL SOME CHEMISTRY RIGHT NOW?"

[00:54:46]AND I SAID, "OH, THANK YOU. You're so sweet. What's your name?" and she goes, "Sorry, can you not stop in the middle of the doorway?" And I look behind me to see that there's an old man in a wheelchair and that's who she was holding the door OPEN FOR. I JUST HAPPENED TO WALK IN BEFORE HIM. I DON'T GET IT because I usually think that no one likes me, but at the same time, I think everyone is flirting with me. Why am I so delusional? Have you ever done something insane because you had a crush on someone? Because there was a girl that used to be obsessed with me. And I'm not saying that's a wreck because this is not the type of girl you want to be obsessed with. But this girl happened to be really interested in psychology.

[00:55:12]So, she tried to manipulate me psychologically to make me like her. It was like a superpower she had. Like when we were in school, she would wear such a strong perfume that you could smell it whenever she walked into the room. And her plan was to spray the same perfume in my backpack so that when I would get home from school and I would open my backpack to do my homework, my whole house would start to smell like her. And apparently she thought this would make me think about her when I was at home.

[00:55:31]And then eventually her smell would make me think of being back at home. And she thought that this would make me like her somehow. How do I know this was her plan? Well, one of the days that she tried spraying the perfume in my backpack, I caught her doing it. So I confronted her about it and asked what she was doing and she explained it all to me. But the scariest part was that she didn't think what she was doing was crazy. like she wasn't embarrassed at all. She was smiling when she was telling me her plan. I could tell that she thought I would be impressed with what she was saying instead of thinking that it's psychotic. Don't get me wrong, I was impressed. I respect the dedication honestly because I've been delusional about someone like that before, too. But she also terrified me.

[00:55:58]Like, I wouldn't be surprised if she put a hidden camera in my house and was listening to me right now.

[00:56:03]Ever go to the chiropractor if you get embarrassed easily? Because I've been having back problems lately. So, my friend was like, "Hey, you should try going to the chiropractor." And he gave me the number of the one he goes to and I was like, "I'll give it a shot."

[00:56:13]What's the worst that could happen?

[00:56:13]Well, I regret saying that because I show up and this guy is like super friendly, like over friendly, and he tells me to lay down on the table. So, I do. And he starts rubbing his elbow on my back real hard. And it's kind of hard to breathe when he does this. By the way, I had Chipotle before I came here, which is an important detail because the chiropractor would do this thing where he would be like, "Okay, take a deep breath." And I would. And then he would tell me to exhale and he would push on my back really hard. But I was not aware just how much force he was going to put into my back when he did this. So, I exhaled and he pushed into my back and I let out the loudest fart ever. It was like the fart was being shot out of a cannon with how aggressive it sounded.

[00:56:43]But I think I almost blew my shorts off.

[00:56:44]And the chiropractor chuckled a little bit, but then he was like, "Oh, don't worry. This happens all the time." But then he starts coughing and I'm like, "Damn, did I just gas this guy out with the fumes from my apartment?" So, he finishes adjusting my back, but then he's like, "Do you want me to adjust your neck, too?" And I almost said, "Yes." But then I thought about it. I was like, "Is he just asking this so he can snap my neck for revenge?" So, I said, "No, thank you." And I laughed, but I'm just going to suffer through the back pain from now on. I'm not going back. Does anyone else have trauma that's like actually funny? Because I have a fear of garages from a horrible experience I had with one when I was younger. And what happened was I used to play a game where my dad would press the button to close the garage door and I would wait to see how long I could let the garage close before running under at the last second. So one day I was doing this like always, but for some reason this time I decided to just let the garage door close a little bit more before I tried to sprint under it. And the worst possible thing that could have happened happened as the garage door got really close to shutting. I tried to sprint under it, but I tripped. So I didn't make it through in time and the garage door got stuck on my neck. Yes, literally on my neck. Talk about clumsy.

[00:57:38]Luckily, it didn't put any pressure on me. But it was pretty funny because my parents were already inside the house, so they didn't know this happened. And all of a sudden, they hear me screaming, so they sprint to the garage and they see the door literally on my head. My mom said she thought I was decapitated.

[00:57:49]Anyways, my dad pressed the button to make the garage door back up and they could see that I was okay. So after I got up, my mom was crying and she gave me a big hug, super tight, and then she got the belt and started spanking me.

[00:57:59]She was literally crying as she was spanking me with the belt because she was so traumatized and she was like, "This hurts me more than it hurts you.

[00:58:04]Then stop doing it, mom." But she did it and I deserved it. But anyways, now I'm terrified to walk under garage doors anymore. Gen Z people should not be doctors because I went to a Gen Z doctor and it was awful. I dislocated my knee and I couldn't walk. So I went to the hospital and normally at this hospital there's a bunch of old angry men that are doctors there and they kind of seem like they hate me. But that's what I like because I trust them. But this time I go inside, they put me into a room and this guy walks in that could be no older than like 25 years old and he goes, "What's up, dog?" And at this point I'm just thinking, "Okay, it must be bring your kid to work day or something." So I'm just like, "What's up?" But then he says, "So I'm going to be the one putting your knee back in place today."

[00:58:35]My heart sinks because just by looking at this guy, I could tell that he used Quizlet to get through medical school and my life IS IN HIS HANDS. BUT then it gets worse because he asks me how I injured my knee and I say, "Oh, I did playing basketball." And he says, "Yeah, man. Basketball can lowkey be dangerous." Low key, dog, my doctor did not just say low key. At this point, I just accepted that I'm probably never going to walk in because this guy's my doctor. But I'm like, "All right, whatever. Just put my knee back in place." So he asks if I'm ready for him to do it, and I say yes. And he says, "Okay, on one. Ready? Three, two, and a." He does it on two. And I scream super loud cuz it hurt. But I instantly feel better. But you know what he does next? He jacks me up. He was actually a pretty chill dude. But I cannot have a doctor that's my age again. I'm just terrified of any doctor that's close to my age because I know they cheated in school. So I will never go to that hospital again. Sorry doc. It's not you, it's me. This is your warning to not shop at Walgreens because my mom works there and they get robbed every single day in like the most bizarre ways. Like the other day she got home from work and I said, "How was your day?" And she said, "Oh, we got robbed again." And I said, "What happened this time?" And she said, "A guy came into the store, didn't say a word, walked behind the cash register, somehow knew the passcode to the cash register, typed it in, took all the money out, and then walked back out of the store without saying a word." I said, "Did anyone try to stop him?" She said, "No, we're not supposed to." Yeah, for minimum wage. I wouldn't either. And she says this as if it's just a normal Tuesday. Like there was another time where she came home and she was like, "Oh, we're getting robbed right now." I said, "Right now?" And she said, "Yeah, but my shift ended, so I just clocked out." I said, "You come down during a robbery?" And she was like, "Yeah, the guy's been robbing the store for 3 hours." I said, "How does a robbery take 3 hours?" And she was like, "Well, he came in and we recognized him because he's robbed us before." So, we called the cops and when the cops came, he saw him and got scared. So, he locked himself in the bathroom and that's where he's at right now. And I try to convince her to quit the job because she doesn't need it. My dad makes good money, but she just does it for fun because she's bored. And I'm always like, "Mom, quit your job." But she's always like, "No, I don't want to quit my job." Yes, you do.

[01:00:27]I hear you complain about it every day.