BPD and Empathy: Why We Misread People

Added: 2026-05-14

[00:00:00]There was nothing he could say that would convince me that he was not mad at me.

[00:00:04]>> I was so scared that once the empathy gate opened up, I would not be able to control my emotions.

[00:00:09]>> In moments of distress, like deep BPD days, I had zero capacity for empathy for other people.

[00:00:24]Hey everyone, welcome to the BPD Bunch.

[00:00:27]I'm your host Zany and today I'm here with Geette, Andre, Selen, and Katya.

[00:00:34]This season we're revisiting the traits of borderline personality disorder, but through the lens of the alternative model, which looks at personality on a spectrum and focuses on the underlying dynamics behind the symptoms. Today we're going to be talking about empathy, which in the context of this trait uh for BPD in the AMPD, it encompasses a lot more than being able to recognize other people's emotions. So, you may care deeply about other people's feelings, but struggle to accurately understand what they're feeling or needing in emotionally charged situations. Because you're highly sensitive to rejection or criticism, you might assume others are upset with you, judging you, or trying to hurt you even when they're not. This can lead you to focus mostly on people's negative traits or perceive flaws while overlooking neutral or positive intentions. So, this includes things like reading neutral moments as negative, which is a pretty common BPD experience.

[00:01:32]So, who wants to go first? What has this experience been like for you in your BPD journey?

[00:01:38]>> I've had a mixture of hypervigilance like tiden with empathy. So um it often meant that I mis mis um read cues or I took things so much more personally because I think on the one hand we can be very astute in observing others but because of the fears of abandonment and that kind of thing you then take things on so much and then I've created arguments out of nowhere because of that that that perceived rejection or that or sometimes often it's been out of shame where then I felt that I've hurt someone else's feelings that probably wasn't as bad from their side, but I've taken it all in and felt huge um waves of shame and then that shame is often led to like um redirected came out as anger or or or some kind of self-doubt.

[00:02:29]>> Oh yeah, 100% relate to that.

[00:02:33]You know, I think people think of empathy mostly as not being able to understand or or emotionally experience other people's emotions, but I I find that this really has shown up for me in these two extremes. Like on the one hand, I have either assumed that because somebody is not expressing an emotion externally that they must not have that much of an emotional experience. And so that's where I have maybe misjudged people in that way. But then on the other hand, like you were talking about thinking that someone's feelings are really hurt because I'm really sensitive to rejection and criticism. I've also overassumed how somebody must be feeling. Especially in romantic relationships, it's that like, oh my gosh, I made this mistake. He must be so hurt and he's going to leave me now. You know, it's sort of like almost like hypo and hyper mentalizing like either over estimating or underestimating where somebody's head really is.

[00:03:37]>> Yeah.

[00:03:38]>> Which is a real struggle because because either they feel like like I'm putting emotions in their mouth that they never said or they feel invisible because they're like, I was actually really hurt but acting totally normal and you just totally flew by it. So yeah. Anyway, >> back in the day, my son's mom, I remember she used to call me um Black Mr. Spock. So, Mr. Spock is a character in Star Trek is um from a race called Vulcans who basically are very logical and they exhibit no no no no heightened emotions. But what I realized I was doing because I was so um in a way sensitive, I created this facade that nothing nothing would affect me. So I then spent ages dealing with everything.

[00:04:22]It was all logically. if it wasn't logical. I wasn't interested. So, it gave us this image that I didn't have any feelings or empathy, but in fact, I was so scared that once the empathy gate opened up, I would not be able to control my emotions and I'd be crying over random stuff. I've I've cried watching films like, you know, like a little kid film or something.

[00:04:42]Something's happened. I remember I watched a film called It's called Trolls and one of them got left behind and I just started crying out of nowhere and I was looking after a little four-year-old at the time. So, imagine this little four-year-old saying, "It's not real.

[00:04:54]It's okay." And I'm like, "So, >> to be fair, though, they really make children's movies like very much tug on your heartstrings." Okay. Like, >> I mean, like Nemo >> or the scene the beginning of Up, you know? Like, I can't watch Up without balling after that introduction because it's so emotional. So, like just to be fair to you, Andre, like those filmmakers know what they're doing.

[00:05:20]They're trying to get adults in the nostalgic field.

[00:05:24]>> Yeah, they do.

[00:05:25]>> You had said that you were accused of almost being like emotionless and it reminded me of before I was diagnosed and had gone through any treatment. I had a review at work and at the time I was a bedside nurse, you know, so facing patients and one of the elements of my review was that my my manager told me I needed to work on my empathy. And I thought that was so funny because I also did a similar thing. I was so afraid that like I can almost feel other people's emotions. Like I feel like I can be so affected by the emotions in front of me. I put myself there and because my emotional response is so great. I was tamping down that and almost being like emotionless and it was perceived as a lack of empathy when really it was like a wall that I needed to put up to be able to function in my job. You know, if somebody's crying and emoting and doing those things in front of me, you can't have your nurse start like, oh my god, you know, crying and emoting back at you and with you. So, I always thought that was funny because when I got that, I was I was really hurt because I was like, "What is she even talking about?" Like, I am the most empathetic person, but I have to like protect myself and my patients from that level of empathy. So, I just thought that was interesting. It was like a protective response to tamp down my my empathy so that I could function in a professional manner. For years, Geette, I was trying to figure out how to do exactly what you're describing. So, I received the opposite feedback a few times throughout my career. You know, you're too sensitive, you're too emotional, you take things too personally. This was a common theme that would come out because I didn't know how to put a wall up, how to protect myself, how not to feel. I always felt like I'm this emotional sponge and it would be to the point where you know I'm full of all this water and these emotions and I don't know anymore because I had no emotional language knowledge nothing which ones are mine which ones are theirs or even from 10 years ago or something and you know the the sponge you picture this water this water and then eventually the sponge for whatever reason in whatever way gets squeezed right And so then all my emotions would come overflowing in situations that didn't seem to make any sense. Oh, your flight is delayed.

[00:08:12]And I'm here like at the airport like crying like someone died, you know, like the flight is delayed by an hour. Like you will you will be fine. Um things like that, you know, like that's just an example. But um but yeah, I would have given so much in my corporate days for the ability to put a wall to come across rational to not take every single little comment from a boss that says, "Yeah, I mean one I remember this one time, okay, this boss said to me, yeah, this presentation is good." I was crying in the bathroom after that because good is rubbish. like I'm like it's perfect, it's spotless, it's amazing or it's nothing. Like I'm a piece of [ __ ] I've done a terrible job. And I thought this guy must hate me. He must think I'm completely incompetent. Um no, he just this was the extent of his compliments.

[00:09:09]I realized later >> good means good. Like you're fine.

[00:09:15]>> Yeah. I think that when our own emotional experiences are so extreme, that's one thing with my um ex-husband, his like I I always thought he just didn't have feelings. Like you just must not have feelings. And I carried that through even to to some of my other relationships where if their emotional response wasn't as big as my emotional response, I was just like, "Well, they must not be feeling anything." like I guess they're not they're just not feeling anything. And I think I've said this before in a different episode that my um former partner he once said, "I am so angry. I feel like I could break something." But he said it so calmly and so like he wasn't breaking anything. He wasn't looking for things to break. He just he was able to express his level of anger and I believed him, but I was like kind of shocked. I I didn't realize that you could feel an emotion and be like that level of passion that you wanted to like break something but saying it like kind of in a calm to me way and I was like this is so what you know cuz my emotions are always so great and on display that it was really fascinating like oh so I guess people can have feelings I think and I'm not picking up on them because their emotional display doesn't match my emotional display.

[00:10:41]>> Yeah, I think I really relate to that. I mean, I've been open in previous episodes about my difficulties with effective empathy. Like, I really find that difficult compared to my cognitive empathy, which is pretty good. And I think obviously a lot of that comes from having another personality disorder which affects a effect. But I think listening to what you guys have been saying, it's just reminded me that one of my major problems has always been not really understanding how and why people don't respond in the same way as me.

[00:11:14]It's always felt like there's been a big disconnect between me and my reactions and how other people perceive things and how they react. Because in my head, the way that I react is the same as how everyone else would react, which, you know, on reflection now obviously doesn't make sense because everyone is completely different in how they respond to certain situations. You know, something that seriously affects me might not be a big deal for somebody else. And then when their reaction didn't match what I was expecting, that would in some cases cause an even bigger reaction for me because I just could not get my head around why they didn't respond in the same way that I did. So unless they were able to articulate that, that would just become like a big mental block for me, which would then impact on the relationship. So to be honest, it's not really something that's happened a lot in my personal relationships, but at work, it was a really big thing because I found that at work, you know, I've had situations in the past when I was working in retail where I would be not the only manager and you would get a lot of problems when something would happen that I would get maybe not angry about, but like quite frustrated about that then didn't bother the other manager. So then you'd have a clash on how you dealt with that situation. And it's really difficult for me to kind of put myself in their position to understand from an effective point of view how they respond emotionally. I mean, I can intellectualize it and cognitively I can understand why, but the emotional component of that was just completely absent for such a long time.

[00:12:53]>> Yeah. Katya, I don't know if this happened to you as well, but I think the hard thing was that it was reinforced by the outside environment for me as well, like being called to too intense and you're too much. And so the outside is telling you like your reaction is not the reaction and at the same time you're also observing that it's different to other people. So there is this like then what is Yeah.

[00:13:21]>> Yeah. Exactly. And I think that's the difficult thing is when you realize that you're different. If anything, it makes it even more obvious to you. So yeah, it is a really challenging situation like especially in a working environment, you know. I mean, obviously I would never recommend anyone with BPD to work in retail if they can possibly help it anyway.

[00:13:42]But yeah, it was definitely a big problem for me in those days. what you're talking about about different pe people reacting differently and there have been other people in my life where they're not like judging me like they don't say this in like a what's wrong with you kind of way but they're just like why do you care like it's not a big deal like I don't care it's fine that's the kind of thing that just made me think that other people must not have feelings it didn't occur to me that they care about different things I think now where I'm at now I recognize that other people can get feedback or get, you know, information from the world around them and they could go, "Oh, like I would feel hurt by that if I thought that that person's opinion mattered, but their their opinion doesn't matter." You know, like they they they have that process of like being able to think through what's going on. In Sen's case, it's like, well, he didn't say excellent, which is what I would have preferred, but good isn't bad, so that's fine, right? Like I would never think I would never Well, now I would have that thought process, but back in the day it's like I didn't hear exactly what I thought I needed to hear or what and and so now it's like what is happening?

[00:14:51]>> Yeah. And it goes straight into the feel, right? It doesn't go to the rational in that moment like the rational brain in my case is turned off.

[00:15:00]You know, it goes straight into the feeling. It's processed through feelings and it goes from zero to 100. I used to picture it a little differently. I didn't think people other people didn't have feelings that actually that thought never occurred to me but I just assumed you know imagine like there's water this is the water line and their feelings goes like a little bit under a little bit over and most of the time they're basically on this boat that goes like this and I'm like jumping into the sky going deep into the water jumping into the sk and I used to think I kind of see them every time I'm like hey when I'm like passing through, you know, but I can never seem or back in those days to be on that boat for more than a half a second, you know, or to be on that line of the water. I'm like so extreme.

[00:15:51]>> I think I didn't realize that a lot of the, you know, the my perceived lack of empathy came from the fact that I was always trying to mask and pretend to be untouchable, nothing. because um I grew up in an environment where if you presented any kind of weakness or softness, you would then get bullied and picked upon. So I then became committed to being, you know, like I said, I have an iron coat around me that nothing nothing could penetrate. So, one of the aspects of this that we haven't really delved into is the social what I guess I'm calling social paranoia because part of empathy is, you know, what we would call mentalizing. Mentalizing is the cognitive and emotional ability to understand behavior in oneself and in others. And of course, like nobody mentalizes the people around them 100% accurately. all the time. But with BPD, we tend to miss the mark a lot more than others. And one of the big ways is in what we would call like social paranoia.

[00:16:58]And a lot of times when people think paranoid, they assume it's like people are plotting or like they're out to get you, which absolutely can be part of it.

[00:17:06]But this uh like the assumption that people don't like you or like when you text somebody and they don't respond immediately and you're like, "Oh my gosh, they're mad at me." Like all of that is social paranoia. And that is a part of empathy because in this context empathy really is uh very much in line with that mentalizing being able to put yourself in the position of of others.

[00:17:26]So I'm curious how has the social paranoia aspect of this shown up for y'all?

[00:17:32]>> I can speak to that.

[00:17:34]>> So the um and I I do want to say that most of my my BPD symptoms tend to come out as other people have shared too in romantic relationships. So um in my marriage there was a lot of misreading neutrality as you're mad at me or if the my husband was not being neutral but but like I could tell something was wrong with him and I would always assume that it was something to do with me. He was mad at me in some way, annoyed at me in some way. And so it led to me, I know you're upset, I know you're mad at me, I can tell something is wrong. What is wrong?

[00:18:23]Hounding him. And you know, obviously that relationship didn't work for a lot of reasons and we were no longer in it.

[00:18:29]But I think that that really led to a lot of problems because one, there was nothing he could say that would convince me that he was not mad at me. That's how strong the paranoia was. And it it's also really annoying to have to tell somebody, "No, I'm not mad at you. No, I'm not mad at you." And have that person really be unable to believe you.

[00:18:54]And so I think that that was a really destructive force in my previous relationship. And even now in the healthy relationships that I've had since then and and in the relationship I'm in now. Again, I have to be very careful about, you know, reminding myself that even if this person is quiet, if this person is is not seeming happy or okay, I have to tell myself this, it might not be about you, right?

[00:19:24]It could be about something else. It could be about it's not always about you. And I recall as a child um I would remember that I was always so afraid of my dad being upset because I always thought that it was be somehow something I did or my existence, the fact that I was even there and alive. I remember my dad bought a boat. We had a boat. The boat was fun and we would go out on the boat and we lived um there was a large river system so there was lots of places to go on the boat. Uh and the boat was like a fun thing but I remember always having this like really sense of unease.

[00:20:09]I was terrified that something would happen to the boat and my dad would be sad and my dad would be like crushed and crying and I I could feel what I thought my dad would feel and it made the boat not that fun because I was always really if he went fast I was like oh my god what if the boat crashes and my dad's upset you know that just like putting myself in the other person's place and you know you have boat insurance right and also if you can afford a you could probably afford for your boat to crash, you know, but I just I couldn't I wasn't I wasn't old enough to understand that.

[00:20:45]So, that's a couple of ways that it's like shown up for me, that kind of paranoia that that the other person, they could be upset for any reason, but I would always assume that the person was somehow upset with me.

[00:21:00]>> Yeah, I can relate to to that a lot. Um, when I was a kid, I went through a lot of social exclusion. So early on primary school, I was completely like, you know, like put casted aside from everybody else and bullied and all these different things. And that led to a lot of this paranoia uh because it had been warrantied in the past and it it was real, you know, it really happened. So therefore like I developed this hyper v vigilance and constantly checking myself, checking other people like are we okay? Are we cool? Because I'm really scared of am I going to miss that beat? So if I even spot something that might be a sign that we're not like I and straight away like you Georgette, I'm like I must have done something wrong. uh because this person is not responding how they usually respond. Maybe there's a bit more distance or a bit more time or a bit shorter messages or things like that.

[00:22:06]And a big way in which this shows up in social situations like bigger groups and stuff is I have this massive fear that I'm gonna be too much and I'm going to especially talk too much cuz when I am nervous and you know I I tend to like ramble and so after every like you can bet like even to this day after every time I go out and my husband is there first question I ask when we're like driving home or walking home or whatever it is is, "Did I talk too much? Did I talk too much?" And I need him to tell me, "Did I talk too much?" And even though he probably I mean, I don't think he's ever said anything else but no because he's so nice.

[00:22:51]But I still need to ask, you know, and I still think I did. No matter. He says no because he's so nice. But I still in my head I'm like, "Oh, yes, of course. You talk too much. You were so boring. Oh my god." They probably think like, "Why did we invited her?" Well, and that level of like our level of paranoia with that that it must be something we did or or whatever, like it only takes one little thing like maybe one time somebody was, you know, maybe one time you did talk too much or maybe one time the person was upset because of something you did.

[00:23:22]It's like it could be 99 times not the one time that it happens. That's what you seize on. Well, that one time I was right. That one time I was right. And it's that paranoia that like it it almost feeds into it because it's like you one time it was justified and you forget the 99 times it wasn't justified but you're like that one time it's been proven and your experience as a child was really reinforcing of that, you know, because you've experienced that.

[00:23:50]So it can feed into that later sense of like because you've experienced it, it's like a it backs up your your paranoid feelings. It's uh it's called confirmation bias. So when we look for like ways to prove that we are right and it made me laugh what you said because in preparation for this episode I said to Zani I I I think I have a lot of empathy and yeah I mean sometimes I am thinking like people are like mad at me and stuff but I mean most of the time I'm right. So, exactly what you said, Georgette. And she was like, well, sometimes you've checked in with me if we were okay and it was absolutely fine.

[00:24:29]And I'm like, and so now, Jord, when you were explaining like your examples, then I was like, oh [ __ ] yeah, she is right.

[00:24:40]This is I I do experience this. Damn it.

[00:24:44]>> That's so funny. It's so funny because maybe it is more general for you too, but like the way you're talking about it's it reminds you of a very specific experience, right? And I think I've tended to be almost more generalized than that. It's more like the fear of any anything that could hurt my feelings. I'm like hyper vigilant against that. So even if I don't have any history of a particular incident, well not now but like I used to it used to be that I would always take the unknown as uh negative. Some of us are just more predisposed to think that way. Like if you assume things are negative and you're prepared for the negative then you're prepared for threats. And in terms of your life and in survival, the cost of that is like that you're maybe a little bit unhappy, but you're keeping yourself safe versus like if you assume the positive and there's real threats out there, you could get yourself killed. But like I just let that run a muk and was like this is an unknown, it's a threat. This is an unknown, it's a threat. This is an unknown, it's a threat. Anything unknown is a threat. So like if I message somebody and they don't get back to me, it's not even that I specifically have a thought that I've done something wrong. It's just it's an unknown. So therefore it's a threat. You have not confirmed the positive. So therefore it must be negative. And then it just like spirals into this like crazy place where it's like like people who have never given me any reason to think that they don't like me or that something has gone wrong or you know I'm just like they hate me, they're going to break up with me. They're gonna you know whatever. Insert horrible thing here.

[00:26:23]This person like one time though this is crazy. Like one time I was doing a live where I had mentioned somebody a situation and there was no identifying information about the about it at all.

[00:26:36]But a few hours later I went to text this person and they didn't respond for a few hours and immediately I was like, "Oh my gosh, they saw my live. They know that it was about them and now they're pissed." Again, no identifying information. Like there was nothing. But I was freaking out. And then a few hours later they were like, "Oh, I was doing a thing." And I had like deleted the live and everything because I was just so paranoid that I was and I'm like, "Oh man, you know, it was like unknown must be this. These things must be connected.

[00:27:06]This person doesn't even really use social media." And I was like freaking out and I was like somehow they must have seen it. You know, >> this is where like our the black and white thinking, the black and white rigid thinking that goes along with BPD.

[00:27:23]It's it's a really good example, right?

[00:27:26]It's like very black and white the way you were thinking about that. No room for gray. So, it's interesting the way these things like they interplay with each other.

[00:27:36]>> Yeah. I have an observation. Um we're talking we're talking about obviously social anxieties and different things than to do with um empathy and one of my biggest fears is when I enter into social situations because of the the way that my brain functions I tend to pick up on things like if someone is looking particularly unhappy or or I I just kind of sense it.

[00:28:00]So then the toxic thing I have is I then have a feel the need to try and fix this person's problem and start you know explaining loads of stuff like you said that that sudden word vomit comes out to try and make the person feel like I understand your situation and then that often leads to oversharing and then once I've left that environment my brain's always like why did I say that why didn't I stop talking because imagine if you're in the middle of a party the last thing you want sometimes is a really heavy conversation when you're sat there chilling out or whatever.

[00:28:32]>> What you said about the uh like almost overcompensating for what you perceive is going on with the other person.

[00:28:39]>> Mhm.

[00:28:40]>> That's something that I used to do a lot and people would say that I was missing the situation a little bit and I was like, "What are you talking about?"

[00:28:48]Like, "I'm being so empathetic. I understand this person's situation. I am being so involved. How am I not getting the situation?" And then I was on the receiving end of some of that behavior.

[00:28:59]Somebody really trying to help me when I didn't want their help. And I was like, "Oh, it's not empathetic." Because maybe the person is understanding my emotion about my situation, but they're not accurately reading whether or not I'm actually interested in their engagement with my problem.

[00:29:14]>> Yeah.

[00:29:15]>> Yeah.

[00:29:15]>> Right. And and then I was like, "Oh, this is why this is why they said it was unempathetic. Not because I misread their emotion, but because I completely misread what they actually wanted from me. And that is a part of empathy.

[00:29:30]Trying to help somebody who really doesn't want your help is an unempathetic thing to do.

[00:29:36]>> Yeah, I'm guilty of that a lot because I go straight to problem solve.

[00:29:40]>> And it's so hard because like nobody wants to be called unempathetic. But like >> Yeah. Uh one thing is I noticed is that because I had you know this really high empathy I expected people to mirror that and so when I helped people in the ways that you have beautifully described and I was there for them but this time in an effective way hopefully you know when I was in distress I expected them to have the same level of empa empathy in the same exact way like not even giving them any leeway whatsoever. ever, you know, and when they didn't do that, then the resentment built and I wouldn't say it, but I would like, you know, keep that mental tab of like, I can't count on you, basically. Um, and I realized that now that that's not fair because people show empathy in totally different ways.

[00:30:33]And, you know, it's also up to me to work on how can I receive different types of empathies or empathetic styles.

[00:30:41]How can I receive different types of empathetic styles? And the other very quick thing in moments of distress like deep BPD days I'm talking about I had zero capacity for empathy for other people if I'm honest with myself like you know I was so deep in my distress like a friend of mine like she broke her leg like she was having a terrible time she messaged me about it and she still holds a grudge like this is an accurate checked thing she's told me it's not a paranoia moment um that I wasn't there for her and I was suicidal. I didn't even want to be alive. I was like, "You broke your leg?" I mean, seriously. And that's the big deal, you know, and now I'm like, "Oh my god, no." Like, she broke her leg where she was carrying her baby. Like, it's a super traumatic accident. And I was I just wasn't able to be there for her. So I think sometimes we make that shortcut like we BPD people are so empathetic and we you know have it as a badge of honor and it's important very uncomfortable I know uh but it's important to check ourselves and be honest like we are not always able to do that especially when we're really really suffering.

[00:31:49]>> That's really true. Yeah. I've experienced the same thing where I've looked back now and people have shared things with me or my friends have been going through things that I just I couldn't even respond to in a way that I would be proud of because I was so in such a low place and experiencing so much distress myself. Same thing like I I just I didn't have an empathetic response. I couldn't even feel anything besides my own distress. And looking back, it's like, oh my gosh, you know, my friend went through this and I just I just wasn't there.

[00:32:21]>> One of my best friends since being 10 years old, Rebecca, who actually did a BFF's episode, um I think I don't remember what season it was, but I think that was one of her major criticisms of me when I was doing really badly was that I just never asked about how she was doing. Like I would I might show up and be there, but like it was I was always talking about my relationships and my struggles and my issues. And I mean, I don't know. I don't know if I just assumed that if she had something she wanted to tell me, she would or if I just didn't think about it. I honestly can't remember. But >> I just didn't ask. And there have been several times where she's had to be like, "Look, every time we talk, it's all about you."

[00:33:00]>> Yeah.

[00:33:00]>> You know, like, I want you to ask me about me. I want you to ask me about what's going on in my life. I want you to show an interest. I don't want you to wait for me to like butt into the conversation and tell you that I want to be seen. like I want you to just pay attention to me.

[00:33:15]>> She didn't sound emotional like that.

[00:33:17]She's a very calm, logical sounding person. So, it was very clear. I'm just a I'm adding the emotion for emphasis cuz that's how I would have said it if I were in her shoes. But that's a yeah, it's a really important point I think about empathy, Selena, that there's that when with a lot of us, it's not that you are intentionally ignoring other people's needs. It's just when your own emotions are so big that it feels like that's all that exists in the world.

[00:33:44]It's like it sucks for the the situation in general, but you're not going to stop and be like, "Oh, I wonder what's going on with so and so." When it feels like you've been stabbed in the heart and you're bleeding out all over the place.

[00:33:56]It's like, I'm not going to be asking how your day was. I'm sorry. Like, I'm just not.

[00:34:01]>> Yeah. And that's one of those things that, you know, takes time and effort to overcome. And with that, we're going to wrap up this episode. We will be back next week to talk about all of our tips and tricks and things that we have learned along the way. So, we will see you next time.