Evening Reflections After a Stressful Week | Anxiety, Boundaries & Choosing Peace

[00:00:14]Hi everyone. Good evening.

[00:00:18]Can you see me?

[00:00:19]>> [laughter] >> Anyway, um we are out here um just getting ready for bed, actually.

[00:00:32]And yeah, I think I just wanted to do a quick reflection before we go to bed. Right now, it is July 8th, Wednesday, almost 8:00, actually.

[00:00:47]I sleep early, so that's why we're going to bed early.

[00:00:52]And yeah, I just wanted to do a quick reflection because I want to recognize the fact that lately I have been feeling very anxious lately.

[00:01:07]And [snorts] Oh, excuse me.

[00:01:12]>> [laughter] [gasps] >> Um burping. Anyway, let's do this.

[00:01:18]Hi life.

[00:01:20]We are out here um in bed. And we are just going to be doing some reflection.

[00:01:32]I'm just trying to find the best angle, you guys.

[00:01:37]Is that better?

[00:01:39]Hi.

[00:01:43]I think that's good.

[00:01:49]Anyway, I am >> [sighs and gasps] >> taking slow deep breaths, right? It's been really busy at work lately and I think I I'm feeling the pressure. I know lately that um work has been very stressful in terms of having to meet productivity levels and also having to meet patient expectations.

[00:02:21]And I know this past week I um made a reflection about a recent encounter and you know, there are things that I really don't have any control over.

[00:02:35]Um I'm not sure if this is the best angle for you.

[00:02:43]>> [snorts] >> Hi.

[00:03:02]>> [sighs and gasps] >> Good evening, everyone. It's me, Jess, and we are just doing a quick reflection this evening before we head to bed. I think one of my daily practices is just doing reflection. It's my way of just letting go of things I can't control, letting go of the stress, the anxiety. And I know lately I have been feeling very anxious and the overthinking has been very loud.

[00:03:45]And parts of my anxiety, I think, has been caused by the pressure in terms of there are so many things going on at work and the fact that there are so many expectations in terms of the pressure of meeting productivity levels and also the pressure of meeting >> [snorts] >> patient expectations, right? And I think previously in a couple blogs I mentioned the fact that I had a recent encounter with a patient that, you know, I took it personally and I shouldn't as long as I know that I am doing my best in terms of my patient care and as long as I am asking all the good questions and as long as I am listening that to their concerns and yeah, it's been really hard lately during my brunch a couple days ago um a friend of mine actually asked me what's stressful about the job and the way I answered it is the fact that, you know, there's just these patient expectations that is difficult to meet and I know that I I'm a people pleaser, right? So it's really hard for me not to take it personally.

[00:05:13]I like making sure that everyone is everyone's needs are met and the fact that I can't meet my patient's needs is kind of I take it personally and I shouldn't and that's one of the lessons that I'm actually learning in this process of healing myself.

[00:05:34]I I realized that lately when I put my foot down or when I'm a little bit more vocal about how I'm feeling about setting boundaries, that's when a lot of people actually leave. That's when a lot of people actually um end up not liking me or not pleased with me.

[00:05:57]So, it's kind of a balancing act in terms of trying to meet other people's needs, but at the same time also honoring my needs, honoring myself, honoring my feelings and emotions, and in this process of, you know, trying to figure out how to silence my anxiety and how to avoid overthinking, right? I am kind of trying to find a balance between thinking about my current situation, thinking about my future, and also, at the same time, living in the now, living in the present.

[00:06:46]Um I think lately I have been choosing living in the present a lot more because I know that in the past I've focused on other people, I've focused on, you know, pleasing others, and I've choose focused on choosing to silence myself and to silence my needs.

[00:07:07]Um so, now that I'm living in the present, now that I'm actually choosing to live in the now, now that I'm finally, you know, prioritizing myself, I'm kind of seeing the fact that people are around me when I am doing good for them, but when it's time to good do good for myself, then I'm left with less and less people.

[00:07:35]Um so, I think that's a realization that's been very clear, that's made it very clear for me in terms of why I need to keep start choosing myself a lot more.

[00:07:47]Um it's kind of like a way to filter out the people who only show up when they want you to show up for them, and but when it's time to show up for me, uh it's really hard for them, and you know, when they've noticed that I'm growing, when they've noticed that I I'm putting my foot down, or I've I've actually found my voice, then you know, the silence, the crickets, it's very palpable.

[00:08:18]Palpable.

[00:08:22]Anyway, I maybe it's just me overthinking again.

[00:08:27]Maybe this is just me, you know, being over overly dramatic, or being too much, but at the same time, that's the overthinker in me, right? The overthinker in me is always trying to figure out ways in terms of you know, what are things that could make me a better person, what are ways to make my relationships a lot better, and the fact that I've lost a lot of friends, actually, has made it clear for me in terms of what are the things that I actually need to focus on in terms of building relationships, maintaining relationships, who should I invest my time in, and who should I, you know, focus my energy in, and that's another thing, actually. I have this opportunity to actually reconnect with a friend of mine, and I'm questioning it because just the back and forth texting has been really difficult. The communication is not clear, and I think what I want is clear communication in terms of what this reconnection means or what this, you know, hashing out means. And to me hashing out things means not just reconnecting, not just, you know, talking about how we're feeling about each other, but at the same time trying to understand each other. And I don't know. I am at a point in this relationship where I am questioning whether or not it's something that I actually want to invest my time in.

[00:10:11]I I'm trying to process things still in terms of where I'm at. And while I've mentioned multiple times that I really value this person, but I've mentioned multiple times that, you know, I've had really good memories with this person. I also have to kind of, you know, think critically about it, especially what how everything unfolded, right?

[00:10:40]Um I want to be mindful in terms of honoring his time, honoring his efforts, but at the same time I also want to be mindful in terms of honoring my own.

[00:10:53]Um it's been really difficult, to be honest. I I'm really hurt by the fact that >> [sighs and gasps] >> this relationship has been really difficult to maintain. And it's requiring a lot of energy, it's requiring a lot of overthinking.

[00:11:13]And, you know, when they say that relationships should not be this hard, I feel like it shouldn't be. And when I try my best or when I make more effort, it means that, you know, this relationship is something that I want to invest a lot of my time in, a lot of my effort in, but at the same time is it worth it?

[00:11:37]Um, that's always the question in terms of anything that I do.

[00:11:42]Um, but then at the same time it means that every effort or every action or every word is kind of calculated and I don't like operating in that way.

[00:11:52]Um, so I'm kind of a little bit confused about how I'm feeling and how I want to move forward.

[00:12:00]Um, I want to keep things open in terms of allowing this friendship to, you know, flow, to be fluid, to be, uh, you know, not be placed in a box or not be, um, not be, uh, restricted in terms of a of a binary, right? In terms of it's either a relationship or a friendship I want to keep going or not. I want it to be more of like a flowy thing where yes, it's something that I want to expend some time in. Yes, it's something that I potentially could, you know, um, keep on going, but at the same time if things don't work out, things don't work out and not all relationships are going to work out. Not all friendships are going to be forever and I think that's one of the things that I'm learning about myself is that I tend to be too attached to people who I've had good memories with. I tend to be too attached to people who has been there for me through my milestones and this person has definitely been there for me through my milestones. This person has definitely been there for me when I needed them most.

[00:13:16]Uh, but at the same time it doesn't necessarily mean that even though I've had these good memories with them, even though they've been through these different important milestones in my life.

[00:13:28]It doesn't mean that I have that that little orb, right? I have that obligation to maintain that relationship. Um I think I want to be free. I want to be fluid, and I want to make sure that I'm allowing myself the freedom to express myself and not silence who I am and you know, I want to be able to feel heard and to feel seen and to feel understood, but at the same time, I also need to allow them to feel heard and to feel seen and to be understood and >> [gasps] >> I don't know. I think I'm a little bit in uh limbo in terms of what I want to do next and you know, I don't know, to be honest. I just really wanted to show you this same top, actually, because I I bought it thinking that I would root for [snorts] root for Brazil, but apparently they were out of the World Cup already. So, I think it's either Norway or France for me.

[00:14:35]Um what team are you rooting for?

[00:14:40]Anyway, I just wanted to do this quick reflection and in terms of just letting go of these feelings and emotions so I can get good sleep, right? Um yeah.

[00:14:50]Thank you for watching. Please like, comment, and subscribe. And if you have any wisdom to share, definitely share them with me. Have a good day.