The 3 Stages Before a Relationship Becomes Sexless

Added: 2026-05-13

[00:00:00]A few months ago, I went through a little bit of a slow period of sex with my husband, and we weren't fighting or really unhappy or really disconnected from each other. We were just busy and overworked and stressed, and we were just defaulting to Netflix on the couch every night instead of putting in the energy that connection actually requires. And sex just kind of, you know, it was like not going that well.

[00:00:22]Almost every long-term couple goes through this at some point, and maybe you're not sure if this is something that will just pass on its own or something that actually needs to be addressed. My name's Hannah, also known as the Libido Fairy, and I have worked with hundreds of women who've been in that position in all different versions of it. And what I've realized and noticed is that not all intimacy droughts are the same. Some actually do just pass on their own with just a little bit of attention. Some need real intentional interruption, and some of them become the kind of distance that actually changes a relationship permanently or leads to its end. The stats show that 71% of sexless marriages end in divorce, and the definition of sexless is less than once per month sex.

[00:01:05]The problem with sex droughts is that most couples cannot tell the difference between a phase and a problem, and they don't realize there are distinct stages of disconnection and drifting. So, they either do nothing assuming that it'll just go back to normal on its own, or they try things that don't actually work for the stage that they're in. So, today I want to help you identify exactly where you are if you are in an intimacy drought and actually help you with what you need to do at that stage. But first, I want to be super super clear that all three stages we're going to talk about are recoverable. Inside the Intimacy Accelerator, we've had women who were at stage three do a complete 180 and build the most connected, satisfying sex life they have ever had. And so, if you are in need of support, we can help you too through the link in the description box below. There's hope regardless of which stage you are in as long as you're willing to take action. So, stage one is called the drift. This is the most common one and the one that gets the most misunderstood. So, life gets busy, you're tired, and the general chaos of actual life, sex kind of just takes a backseat for a few weeks or even a couple of months. It doesn't feel like alarming, it's just like, oh, life is really happening. So, some signs that you're in stage one are that you still find each other really attractive, there's no real resentment built, but mostly there's just this like busyness and we're just like ships passing in the night. So, you might think of fixing it occasionally, but it hasn't felt like it's really, really urgent for you and your partner. And then when you do have sex, it still feels connected and pleasurable. Neither you and your partner really feel like things are like that bad or that your relationship is really missing something that's so crucial and like things are so bad. If you are in stage one, it's extremely recoverable. All you need to do is just talk about it with your partner and make a plan to get back into connection. That can look exactly like what me and my husband did when we realized we were in this stage. We talked about it, we put intimacy on the calendar again, we stopped watching TV every single night, and we made a commitment to reconnect with each other. It was very, very simple and so easily and so quickly shifted us right out of stage one and back into connection. But, the biggest risk of stage one is that it doesn't feel urgent enough to really do anything about it. And that's how most couples slide into stage two without really noticing that it's happened. So, stage two is the pattern. This is where it gets more nuanced and this is where most of the women who actually come to me are when they reach out for our support. So, the intimacy drought has been going on long enough that it's become This is the default now. We've created these roles, not relationships. So, one of us kind of stops initiating because rejection starts to hurt too much and they don't want to pressure their partner, and then the other person feels like this kind of constant background noise of a little bit of pressure and guilt, and you've started to just accommodate those roles and that gap. Some signs you were in stage two are avoidance. So, it feels easier to keep avoiding sex. Physical touch in general has decreased, not just sex. When sex does happen, sometimes it feels obligatory or like a chore.

[00:04:01]Conversations about your sex life feel like they have a little bit of charge or it feels like you're kind of going in circles when you talk about it without any solutions. One or both of you kind of feels like roommates, and then one or both of you have started to feel that strain and the disconnection. And you hope things will just get better on their own, but you start to realize that they probably won't, and you're not really sure how to change it. So, what most couples try in stage two is a stage one solution. So, they'll go on a vacation or do a date night or have like a big serious come-to-Jesus conversation, and it might help for like a week or two where you feel close again and you reconnect a little bit, and then you slide back into where you were before.

[00:04:39]I did this in a relationship before my marriage. I spent years cycling through that pattern. We would have a good weekend sometimes and feel really good, and then 2 weeks later we were back into the same distance and disconnection and going through the motions feeling, and I kept thinking, "Oh, we just need more date nights. We need more connection."

[00:04:55]But the problem was I was using the stage one tools on a stage two situation. The solutions addressed the symptom, which is like, "Oh, we haven't had sex recently." rather than the actual problem, which is like, "You have built a pattern of disconnection. There are behaviors now that are consistent with disconnection. So, you stop reaching for each other. There's underlying guilt and shame. Sex isn't as enjoyable anymore, and you're stuck in this loop, and you don't really know how to break out of the cycle." The pattern is the problem in stage two. So, you're stuck in this loop of disconnection, and this is the behavior that is now the baseline. The avoidance has become more comfortable than taking action, and the behaviors also create these internal stories about each other that loop into more unhelpful behaviors. So, you think things like, "Maybe I'm not a sexual person." or "Sex is just a lot of work, and maybe it's not worth it. You need to get into an upward spiral of reconnecting behavior as quickly as possible and do that consistently. So, adding ritual and routine to your sex life and intimacy can really, really help with this. So, having a weekly relationship check-in or twice-a-week intimacy dates or a nightly 3-minute touch game, this is the stage also where outside help would probably be supportive if you find that you've tried some of these things on your own and it isn't working. Accountability and support can be incredibly supportive in this stage. So, if you want that support, click the link to the intimacy accelerator in the description box below. Now, I'm about to share the third and final stage, but if you are learning from this video already, go ahead and give it a like and subscribe for more intimacy and relationship education.

[00:06:28]Okay, stage three is called the wall and I just want to reiterate that if you are in stage three, this is still recoverable. I have watched it happen more times than I can count, but it requires you to do something dramatically different. So, by stage three, the distance has started to feel like it's long enough that like this is just the relationship. Like this is just how it is now. So, there might be resentment that's accumulated on both sides. Physical affection, not just sex, has completely disappeared. The thought of initiating might feel really scary or exhausting or even pointless. Some couples in stage three start sleeping separately and others kind of ask themselves, "Is this really all there is? Is this a relationship? Like are we Do we really belong together? Are we compatible?"

[00:07:11]Some other signs that you are in stage three are that physical affection is pretty much gone and there's also this layer of grief under the disconnection.

[00:07:19]Like you long for what you used to have in the past. You're wondering, "Are we compatible? Like is this relationship going to work?" And the conversation about your sex life feels like it's impossible to start because it really goes nowhere. One or both of you pulls away emotionally as just physically, and there might be some resentment that's actually built up underneath from a lack of needs being met. Now, this stage really needs an actual intervention. Not a date night, not just a different conversation. You need a reliable guided process that actually addresses the root of the disconnection rather than the surface of it. And I say this honestly, not to scare you. If you do nothing at stage two, or you continue to try stage one and stage two solutions at stage three, this is what leads to relationships that don't make it. If you're watching this and you recognize yourself in this place, that is such a good thing. That means that you are there and you haven't given up. You're watching this video, you're wanting to get support, and that is the most important starting point that there is.

[00:08:19]So, just ask yourself, okay, which of these stages do I feel like I'm actually in right now? Not the one you wish you were in, but which one actually matches what you're feeling. And no matter what stage you're in, the one thing that does not work is just waiting for it to pass on its own. I know that sounds really obvious, but I was that person. I was in that couple that was like, "Oh, when life calms down or, you know, things will just get better." What is going to move the needle is interrupting the pattern that you're in, doing something different before the gap gets wider. One of the best pieces of advice that any of my mentors has ever given me is, "If something is not working, try literally anything else." Like, you need to do something different. And the only difference between a couple that drifts and recovers and everything's fine and a couple that ends up at stage three is how quickly they interrupt the pattern.

[00:09:06]That's literally it. So, if you recognize yourself in any of these stages, just do something now. Like, take action now. Your relationship needs it and you deserve it. And so, again, if you're wanting support with this, this is exactly why I built the intimacy accelerator. If you're somewhere in stage two or three and you really want to move into connection, and you'll get the road map and the tools and the support to interrupt the pattern that is keeping you stuck and really build the intimacy that will last for you. So, more information about that is in the description below.

[00:09:33]You deserve to feel genuinely connected to your partner, and you absolutely can.

[00:09:38]Thanks so much for watching, and I will see you in the next one.