I Was Getting Him Coffee When I Got the Worst Call of My Life

[00:00:00]He [music] started having some like stomach pains. And I remember thinking just like probably your gallbladder, like you're fine. Almost every morning we'd go to Starbucks and get a drink.

[00:00:10]When I came back, my mom and my brother were gone. And I called [music] my mom and said, "Hey, like where'd you go? I have your drink here." So I FaceTimed her and she was just sobbing and shaking her head. And she just said, "I'm [music] so sorry. Like Edward's going to die today."

[00:00:27]And I heard the nurse like in the [music] background say like, "We've given him everything we can. There's nothing else we can do at this point.

[00:00:33]It's on you to decide if we keep trying like life-saving measures." [music] And my mom just finally said like, "Stop.

[00:00:40]Like get off of him. Just stop. Like leave the room."

[00:00:44]And I remember like going into our closet and like pulling down my husband's little gun that he had and the ammo. And I remember like my husband like walked [music] into the bathroom and or into the closet and just like got on the floor and like took it out of my hand and just like held me and like cried with me and he just said like [music] please don't do this.

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[00:01:43]>> Rebecca Doyle, welcome to the Roller Coaster Podcast.

[00:01:46]>> Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate you being here. You had an experience in July of 2021 that you wouldn't wish upon anybody. You lost somebody very significant in your life.

[00:02:02]And so I'd like you to describe the events of that day, what happened in detail, and any other context leading up to that day that might be helpful to understand about your story.

[00:02:14]>> Okay.

[00:02:16]Um that summer in Utah was super hot and dry. Um I remember almost every morning we'd go to Starbucks and get a drink. Um just cuz it was already so hot in the morning. Um this morning in particular, I took my 2-year-old daughter. She had turned two uh 4 days before that. Um so it's just brand new 2-year-old. put her in the car to go to Starbucks. We went um when I came back, my mom and my brother were gone. Um and I called my mom and said, "Hey, like where'd you go? I have your drink here." Um and she said, "I have to take Edward, my brother. I have to take Edward up to the hospital. Like he was up all night. Um I have to go see what's going on." Um and so I said, "Okay." Um, and the rest of the day, I mean, it just felt pretty heavy. I think I was also still like pretty naive with maybe how sick he had been. Um, so I wasn't expecting the worst or prepared for the worst mentally. I kind of just went through the day like normal. Like, you know, my daughter and I had lunch together at home. I put her down for a nap. Um, kept checking in. Not a ton of updates. I think the last update I got from my mom was that they had to um intubate Edward. Um and I thought that's really weird. Like that that doesn't feel good.

[00:03:46]Um but okay. And then around like 3:30 p.m.

[00:03:53]I just had this really like overwhelming like heavy feeling like something's feeling super off. Let me just FaceTime my mom. Like I need to have eyes on my brother just to kind of see what's happening. Um, and so I facetimed her and she was just sobbing and shaking her head and she just said, "I'm so sorry. Like Edward's going to die today." And I just like laughed cuz I just thought like this is so weird. Like what are you talking about? Um, and I heard the nurse like in the background say like, "We've given him everything we can. There's nothing else we can do at this point. um it's on you to decide if we keep trying like life-saving measures. And my mom just finally said like, "Stop. Like get off of him. Just stop. Like leave the room." And I heard the them pronounce like the time of death. Um and that was it. Like he was just gone.

[00:04:51]Um and I just remember like falling to my knees just animal noises like crying, sobbing, like just a completely out-of- body experience. And then I looked up at my 2-year-old who was just scared and I pulled myself together and I got up and did bath time. Um, and I was just completely numb. Like literally couldn't understand or comprehend. Like I I think my mom facetimed me like a few hours later just because you have once somebody dies in the hospital, you have like a certain amount of time that you can spend with their body before the uh >> what are they called? Whoever takes you the corner.

[00:05:32]>> Yes. Before they take them and do the full exam.

[00:05:35]>> And so I think she facetimed me and and I saw his body and it just didn't even look like him. I had no idea what to do or what to say or how to act.

[00:05:46]I think I probably said like, "I love you." And and that was all I could, you know, do or say at the time. Um, and that was it. I mean, my mom somehow, you know, drove herself home and and we just like sat in the room like just silent for hours. Just didn't even know what to do or say. Um, >> yeah.

[00:06:12]>> Who who was your brother to you? like maybe just describe the sibling dynamic between the two of you. Were you close?

[00:06:20]Um, >> you know, were you guys spending a lot of time together before the diagnosis of his of his cancer?

[00:06:28]>> Yeah.

[00:06:28]>> Just kind of give us some context there.

[00:06:30]>> Um, so Edward and I were born and raised in the Bay Area in California. Um, we had a single mom, so we were extremely close. Like we were almost forced to just spend so much time together. Like I think by the time I was like seven and my brother was like 11, we were just home alone cuz my mom was working so much. So we would just spend so much time together. Um and I really looked up to him. Like he was a pretty like solid foundation and like rock for me um during a pretty unstable childhood. Like even growing up into our teens, like my mom remarried into a not so great marriage. Um, our stepdad was an addict and I really struggled with that, you know, as a teenager. Um, so we were we were extremely close. He was like a father figure to me, I would say. Um, >> and and he went on to like, you know, serve an LDS mission and and that those two years were super tough for me because like I said, my stepdad was an addict. So, it was a really hostile environment at home where I didn't have sort of his immediate emotional support there. Um but no, he came back and and and I later moved to Utah just to um go to school. I graduated from the University of Utah and he stayed in the Bay Area. Um my mom came later once I found out I was pregnant and I was going to be a single mom. So she came out. So we were both out here. Um and he eventually like one day he randomly said, "I want to move to Utah." And we were kind of like, "That's crazy. like you're up for promotion at your job, like don't come here, stay there. Like there's nothing for you here, you know, stay there where you're going to grow in your career. Um and he said just said like I just have a really like strong feeling that I need to be like near you guys and I want to be close. Um so I'm just going to move.

[00:08:22]And that was like November of 2020 and he moved out here January of 2021. So, it was like a really short amount of time that he decided that and actually like, you know, did that. Um, he was I think around February. Um, it was just right after his 28th birthday, he started having um some like stomach pains. Um, and I remember thinking like, oh, it's just like probably your gallbladder. Like, you're fine. Like I at the time I I really was into swimming laps at the rec center. So I was trying to like bully him into coming to swim laps with me. So I was like come on like don't be a baby. Like let's go. And [gasps] um eventually the pain got like so severe I was like just go to the hospital so they can take your gallbladder out and we'll be done with this. Like this is ridiculous. And um so my mom took him to the hospital like you know that night. And um I woke up in the morning to my mom just in my room saying it's cancer. And I again I was like my first thought was just like to laugh cuz I was just like what are you like this is crazy. Like what are you talking about? Um but I I I like walked out into the kitchen and and there he was. He was like yeah it's stage three testicular cancer. Like it spread up to my liver. Like you know kind of just talking through like the the plan the action items of of of what's going to happen next. and and and I was still very calm. I think I had such a strong like belief that he was going to be healed because he had such this like strong impression to move to Utah. So, I just thought surely like, you know, God has this plan to like show us this miracle or something. Um, so I was really like calm and collected like I I just thought, well, this is great. We have the Huntsman Center. Like, it's such a great um spot with all these great oncologists. like like I'm feeling really good. Um and then what kind of came next was like the treatment, right?

[00:10:23]So you you essentially did like or he did um six weeks of just chemotherapy. So it was like almost every day driving up to the Huntsman Center like pretty early in the morning for like eight or nine hours. Like my mom and I would take turns. I was working from home so like I would take my laptop up there. We again my mom and I would take turns taking care of my daughter like just to drive him up there and bring him back. Um and after that 6 week period you kind of um wait another not 6 weeks it's 12 weeks.

[00:10:55]After that 12week period you wait another 6 weeks to kind of see how your body's reacted and then you go back to the oncologist and um rescan and stuff. Um, so during that after that six week period, the oncologist was like, "Look, you're you're right there. Like remission is right here. Like you we do need to get you a new liver. Like you need to get on the transplant list, but there's one more spot on your liver that we're just kind of concerned about. So let's do a more intense round of chemotherapy and then you should be like clear." Um, so that last round is like a week long. you stay in the hospital the whole time.

[00:11:34]Essentially, they like flush you with all of these like chemotherapy fluids um along with like water because one of the uh risks is that your organs can stick together and create tears and then internal bleeding and whatever whatever.

[00:11:52]Um so he did that for a week. Um and he came home on a Saturday. He came home on my daughter's second birthday. Um and then died that Wednesday. So it was just um essentially that that risk is what happened to him. His organs just stuck together and ripped apart and were ripped apart. Um and I remember when we got the autopsy back, it it basically said like his organs were like already like rotting before he even died. like there was just after that last round of chemo, there was like absolutely nothing that would have prevented that from happening. Um, and I like remember calling the oncologist and just being like like what happened?

[00:12:41]Like how how could you let this happen?

[00:12:43]Like I'm so confused. Like you know a week ago you said remission and and he's dead now. And the oncologist just kind of said like I'm just as shocked as you are. um this like doesn't really happen. Um and so so yeah, those are at least the events like leading up to that >> day. Yeah.

[00:13:09]>> You know, you described [sighs and gasps] I mean just to put a bow on that, like this is your only sibling, right? You guys are incredibly close. He sort of raised you from the time you were seven years old, >> you know? He was like, you described him as a father figure, right? Um, and then when you find out the news that he's dead, which feels at this point like very unexpected based on >> like what you were being told by on ancologists.

[00:13:36]Um, it's occurring for me that the way you reacted is not a normal way to react when you find out maybe the most important person in your life is dead, right?

[00:13:46]>> Yeah.

[00:13:46]>> Do you feel like you were in shock? Like as you look back at you're doing bath time with your daughter and it's almost the way you describe it is like unemotional about what's happening. Was that a state of shock? Was that a fight or flight? Was that some like what what was occurring for you when you find out that your brother's gone?

[00:14:04]>> I think absolutely shock and then mixed with a lot of like denial. Um, but I also knowing that like my daughter is watching me and I can't like I don't want to scare her, you know, with this sort of >> reaction that I that I was having and then I had to pull it together. And I think that suppression kind of changed the course of the next three or four years after that, you know, which I'm sure we'll get into, but like I just mean I didn't see another way forward besides just being okay for the sake of my daughter at that point.

[00:14:49]Um but but even throughout I mean I I think just pure shock and denial like combined I was unable to like process anything and even like especially at the age of 28 I mean that's super young like that's not >> we we had never t discussed like funeral plans arrangements does he want to be cremated does he want to be buried does he want a memorial service like what kind you know things that we never discussed and my mom and I just kind of had to decide. Um, and it was like it was just a lot on my body, on my emotional state. Like I just I think I even remember the memorial service like I gave, you know, a little speech and I I didn't like cry and I remember somebody messaging me like are you okay?

[00:15:38]like you didn't shed a single tear and I was like I know like I don't know what is happening like it was just such a shock on my whole system. Um yeah, [sighs] [gasps] when regardless of the cause of death, when people that are this close to you die, meaning like the sort of most important or sort of, you know, a parent, uh what you would almost consider your brother, a parent and a sibling in some ways, >> when they die, I I think it's like a natural thought as part of the grieving process for most people to say like I just wish I was dead too.

[00:16:26]>> Yes.

[00:16:26]>> Like I wish I could just be with him again. And and depending on your belief system, you might think, well, if I died, then maybe I could see him again or her or whoever it is.

[00:16:37]>> Yeah.

[00:16:39]>> But I think a lot of times like those thoughts um you know perhaps aren't super rational.

[00:16:49]um it's just part of the process of grieving.

[00:16:52]You would ultimately take that to another level where it wasn't just like I'm thinking about killing myself because I want to see him again. It's like no, I'm going to actually do something about this. Right. too. Talk to us about where where does your emotional state and sort of state of grief and trauma like where does it go from here from the time that you realize your brother is dead to the time that you would ultimately decide I'm going to I'm going to go ahead and take my life.

[00:17:28]>> Yeah. I um so just to give more context, I was so I have my my two-year-old, you know, I'm a single mom to my two-year-old. Um my husband and I meet that next like March, so not even a full year since my brother's died. So my grief is still very like present in ways that I'm not even like fully aware. Um mostly in like they present in ways of like anger and rage. Um, so and my husband is also coming in from like a 8-year marriage that, you know, has gone bad and and he's also grieving that. So, it's kind of like the perfect storm to really mess with my emotional state. Um, and so my husband and I like, you know, we we stay together, we end up getting pregnant, we have we have our second daughter, um, we end up getting married, we we have our third daughter like 14 months after that. Um, so let's also take into account like my postpartum state was just not very good on top of not putting in the work to like really work through my grief and and all the trauma from from that experience. It's again like another perfect storm.

[00:18:38]>> Um, my husband and I, like I said, I turned to a lot of like anger and and rage. Like I, you know, he was kind of like my punching bag. Like I would take out anything on him when really it was stemming from this place of like having lost my brother. Um, and I remember like things were just so like they felt so volatile in our home. And I I remember always struggling with like suicidal like ideiation. Like I you know like you mentioned those thoughts like oh it'd be like easier if I just wasn't here or if I could just be with him like it would be easier and always being pulled back by like no my daughter needs me like I can't like that's crazy. I can't do that. But like I remember this one like fight in particular. Um and I had I had recently like given birth um to our third daughter. And I remember just thinking like there's no way like our marriage is not going to survive. Like I can't be a single mom to three girls. Like I can't co-parent. Like there's just like I felt so like out of options. Like there's just I can't survive this. like and I remember like going into our closet and like pulling down my husband's um like little gun that he had and and and the ammo and I just remember like all the ammo like spilled all over the floor and I'm like I've never like I have no idea how to load a gun. Like I've never I've never done it. I And I remember just like kind of struggling to try and like figure out how to like open you know wherever the ammo goes. And I remember like my husband like walked into the um into the bathroom and or into the closet and >> and just like got on the floor and like took it out of my hand and just like held me and like cried with me and >> and we just cried and he just said like like please don't do this. um like let's get you some help and and and you know and it was always for me like I think I felt like embarrassed to like go get help you know in that situation it's like let's you need to go to mental hospital like that was that's what needed to happen but I was I felt like embarrassed and maybe like my pride was telling me like you need to be strong and and not take care of yourself and and so I kind of like almost like wiggled my way out of like that going to the mental hospital. Okay. I think that was around like August of like 2024 and I kind of like wiggled my way like no, I'll be fine. Like just lock up the guns. Like put the guns away, put the knives away. Like I'll I'm fine. I'll go to therapy. Like it's fine. And then and then you know you you try your best and things are like okay for like a week and then you're right back into like the same patterns. Like nothing like my husband and I haven't put in the work to like be okay with each other. we're right back in the same patterns.

[00:21:40]And then December of 2024 was again like another breaking point. Like my husband and I were just like being abusive towards each other. Like there was just it was not sustainable. I again felt like like I can't do this. Like I can't again I can't be a single mom to three girls.

[00:21:58]Like this is just you know and you start to like oh my husband would be better if like he has my life insurance money.

[00:22:04]like that's how I'll help provide for my family, you know? I'll just I'll leave.

[00:22:08]Like there's it's not a big deal. And I remember like driving up um Immigration Canyon and it was like it was snowy.

[00:22:18]Like things the road was like super icy.

[00:22:20]And I remember like calling my sister-in-law like, "I want you to like help take care of my girls. Like they love you so much. Like I I need you to help Tyler." And like you know she's like sobbing every like she's just like tell me where you are like I'll come to you. I had turned off like find my friends. I was just like I just I love you like and Tyler and I at that time had been like fighting. My husband's name is Tyler. We had been fighting and like like I remember calling him and just being like you know like like this is your fault. Like super like toxic just like anyway. And I I remember like getting to this one point where I wanted to like I was facing like a cliff and like I wanted to just reverse and like drive straight forward.

[00:23:07]Um but I honestly like got scared like I just got scared or like I got scared like what if I like what if I don't die from this? Like what if this isn't enough to like kill me? Like what am I going to do after? Like >> you know and and I was and I got scared from that. So I ended up just kind of like going back home. my husband had like taken the kids to his dad's house.

[00:23:27]I went back home and just slept. I was like, let me just sleep. If in the morning I still feel like this, I'm just going to go do it. Um, but no, like that next morning I was like I like I really was like I just need to get help. Like I I need I need to figure this out. Um, so I ended up like driving up to like the me the Huntsman like mental institute and I was admitted there for like a week um to work through a lot that I needed to work through.

[00:23:58]>> Yeah.

[00:24:01][sighs and gasps] I mean those are those irrational thoughts of suicide are I don't use the language irrational to discount what somebody might be feeling.

[00:24:14]>> Yeah.

[00:24:15]>> I I use it to say that we we as humans are designed for life.

[00:24:23]Like we are designed to breathe.

[00:24:26]>> Yeah.

[00:24:27]>> We're we're not we're not designed for for that. it's not a part of this plan like I feel conviction around that right >> and so it is irrational to think like I can just eliminate myself off the face of this plan >> right [snorts] >> um as you're I mean h how does have you ever reconciled like how you how you ultimately go from seemingly normal person normal thoughts, you know, whatever the word normal means to you, right? But it's like to all of the sudden like I think I'm going to kill myself today.

[00:25:12]Like have you ever you ever put together the pieces on how somebody allows themsself to get to that place because I I'm hoping to discover something here.

[00:25:22]>> Yeah.

[00:25:23]>> Because I've just the suicide and depression rate in America particularly is higher than it's ever been in the history of the world. And I've had friends and family recently die by suicide and I just I just it's it just hurts.

[00:25:40]I think it's like for me it's it felt like a like like a slow and steady burn of like like I think I always genuinely like looking back at my life I think I always struggled with like suicidal ideiations like that oh this would be easier if I wasn't here like you know even since like I was a kid honestly and I really think that mainly for me came from like such an unstable home. Yeah. Um and like not and then like my brother leaving on his mission like those two years like spiked up com like yeah you know >> so for me it felt again like a slow steady burn like combination of like all of these hard things like happening combination of like I said perfect storm with me and my husband just like going at it every single day like it felt like unservivable the grief pain over time when you don't put in the work to work through it, it's becomes unbearable. Like >> I think I've described like that day before I've described it as >> uh worse the worst pain emotionally and physically at least the day that I lost my brother. Um, I've also said like I gave birth to my first daughter naturally and I've said that the physical and emotional pain of that day was worse than giving birth naturally.

[00:27:09]Um, which is a lot because that hurts a lot. Um, so yeah, I don't think for me it was like, oh, just one day I want to be here and the next day I don't. I think it was just like so many years of feeling like miserable and feeling like I couldn't change anything. Um or you know in in a lot of scenarios like I couldn't bring my brother back or um trying to justify again like why was it him and not me like he was so much better than me you know like just all these thoughts that over time it's just finally like all right like let's go like this is just we can't do it anymore. Have you been able to um also reconcile where you know in the one case when you were planning on taking your own life, your your husband may have been the one that saved you, right? He walked in just in time >> as you're fumbling to figure out how to use this gun.

[00:28:11]>> In the other case, you're alone and something stopped you. you know, have you put the pieces together since then on just like like you could just easily be dead right now and you're not like is this God?

[00:28:27]Does he have a plan for you? What what is this?

[00:28:30]>> I mean I grew up like LD well we were like converts when I was little. Um, and you know at the time like during the last or during those like what from 2020 to 2025 like my husband and I were actually both inactive. So I would say that my relationship with God was like non-existent. Like I >> I was hopeful that there was like a plan. I was hopeful, you know, all these things that you learn, you know, that I'd see my brother again, but I wasn't convinced by any means. Um, looking back now, like now that my husband and I are like active again and active members of the church, like I would definitely like attribute it to God. Like I definitely think that night up in Immigration Canyon was like a miracle. Like I don't based on how like if we were to call my sister-in-law and be like, "Do you think I was going to drive off of that cliff that night?" She would tell you absolutely like I like I think she was surprised that I came back down and came back too like on my own. Um but looking back I don't think it was on my own.

[00:29:39]Like I think there was definitely like a higher power there.

[00:29:44]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:29:47]>> Yeah. And it's always hard to like it's a hard question to answer, right?

[00:29:52]Because there's people inevitably listening who that's not their story.

[00:29:57]They're suicide loss survivors.

[00:29:58]>> Yeah.

[00:29:59]>> Somebody that they love dearly died by suicide. And >> it's like, well, why didn't God, you know, so that I I understand that that becomes >> challenging, but I hope that those same people who are listening to this recognize >> that this is Rebecca's story.

[00:30:13]>> Yeah.

[00:30:14]>> Like this is your reality and it doesn't make it some absolute truth.

[00:30:19]>> No.

[00:30:19]>> By any means, but it's I I ask these questions because I want to hear different perspectives.

[00:30:23]>> For sure. [snorts] Um, if your brother could see the way that you've just fought for your own life and chosen this new path of faith and self-care.

[00:30:45]Um, what do you think that Pete would say about that and how has that influenced the way that you live today?

[00:30:54][sighs and gasps] >> It's definitely like a tough one because like I've often heard or like, you know, somebody like my mom will be like, you know, like what would Edward want you to do, you know, or or what would Edward think? And for me, it's like I don't know because he's like dead. like I don't know and I can't base >> my decisions on somebody that's just not here anymore. I mean, he was so influential to my life >> in so many ways. Um, >> and I think he would just be like proud of me for just like trying my best. Like I've fallen short in so many ways. Like, you know, with my husband, with my kids, with myself, but I think he would just be proud of me for for fighting like every step of the way to get to where I am today. like my husband and I are like in a very healthy position. Like we're getting sealed in the temple like next Friday. Like it's just a lot of things that >> 5 years ago I would have laughed at your like in your face, you know, had you said that this is where I'd be today.

[00:31:57]>> Yeah. Um, so yeah, I think he would just be proud and like happy and and um and I'm proud of myself for like making decisions for me that are are best for me, like not that they were for him. Cuz I think a lot of times >> we want to do things because we think that's what they'd want us to do. But I think I've found so much clarity in in choosing myself and and you know, whatever that's worth. So >> that's well said.

[00:32:31]>> Yeah.

[00:32:32]>> Um to to wrap, there are for sure people listening to this right now that are on um some spectrum of suicidal ideation.

[00:32:43]And one of the things that we talked about today that you talked about today is that those those seemingly harmless thoughts are actually very harmful. Like that's what I heard when you talked about like >> yeah, you just think like maybe I'll kill myself today and it's just a passing thought.

[00:33:00]>> It's like people need to get ahead of this.

[00:33:03]>> Like they need to nip it in the butt before it becomes this like before it's too late.

[00:33:09]>> Yeah.

[00:33:10]What would you say to those people who are having real thoughts or harmless thoughts or might even be contemplating taking their own life today? Like what would you share with them?

[00:33:27]>> Um, I hate this answer because it's what people would tell me and I hated it at the time, but I think therapy is so important. I think getting to like the the why behind all of those emotions is like what's been the most beneficial for me, you know, like do I >> do I actually want to kill myself or am I really struggling with my brother's death? Like, you know, which like what is it? Um, and I think but also like finding that like will to want to help yourself. Like I think I just didn't want to help myself for so many years too. like I was just like I said in denial of the reality of my situation and and the severity of my thoughts. Um so I would say like there are so many people that like love you and care for you and are rooting for you. Um and I know it's so hard to use that as enough of a reason to at least like try and get help, but like that needs to be a reason for you to just go get some help and and really work through it. Um, like I said, I I think that I hate that response because people would tell me that and I would just roll my eyes and be like, I'm gonna kill myself. Like, I don't care. You know, but like that's the reality.

[00:34:41]>> Yeah.

[00:34:42]>> Yeah.

[00:34:43]>> Yeah.

[00:34:44]>> Well, Rebecca, thank you for joining the Roller Coaster Podcast.

[00:34:48]>> Thank you.

[00:34:49]>> Really appreciate it.

[00:34:50]>> Thank you. Okay.