What Avoidants Feel During No Contact (from a Healed FEARFUL AVOIDANT)

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Hello and welcome to my channel, Healing with Charlie, where we talk about all things attachment styles and no contact.

[00:00:05]My name is Charlie, a healed, former fearful avoidant, now earned secure who's done the work to create inner security after an avoidant breakup. And I help other people achieve clarity during their avoidant breakups. If you want to work with me, I have a booking link in the description. And I also have a 90day no contact journal designed to help you reset your nervous system and stay accountable during those first 3 months of no contact. So feel free to check that out in the description as well. Today I want to talk about what dismissive avoidance feel during no contact cuz it can be slightly different than fearful avoidance. So we have a lot to get into. So let's go ahead and get started. First dismissive avoidance how they're different from fearful avoidance. They tend to be a slower burn in most cases. is they can come on very hot, don't get me wrong, but they might be a little bit more guarded. They might be less willing to share their emotional intimacy and their deeper, darker parts about them than say a fearful avoidant will very, very early on. Many fearful avoidants actually try to enforce intimacy and vulnerability very quickly because they've learned that that's a really good strategy to get people to attach and feel safe with them. This isn't always intentional or malicious, but it is a strategy that has been encoded into their attachment system by default and through life and navigating relationships. So, that's important to consider when you're thinking about dismissive avoidance versus fearful avoidance. And the same can also be true, but sometimes flipped in breakups.

[00:01:36]And so, we're going to get into that. So the first thing that dismissive avoidance feel during no contact is initially relief and emotional shutdown.

[00:01:44]So how dismissive avoidance feel this is they feel calm, they feel relieved and lighter once the relationship has ended.

[00:01:52]Whereas fearful avoidance they might be slightly different. They might be relieved. Yes, they might even be overly excited and they might get to a point where they start to feel like breaking up was the right choice. But they still have their doubts. They still struggle with self-doubt. And this is where dismissive avoidance can be a little different. Dismissive avoidance can be so assured in their decision to pull away that they don't even necessarily question if it's the right choice and therefore they are less likely to come back sooner than a fearful avoidant because of how their disregulation works. It's less volatile. It's more assured and therefore they end up staying in certain states of dysregulation such as shutdown and deactivation much longer than a fearful avoidant will simply because the decision to walk away feels so right because they're finally getting their freedom. So their nervous system interprets no contact as safety, not loss. And if you're someone who's trying to instill the fear of no contact in them very early on, then you're essentially wasting your breath because that's actually what they want. They don't necessarily not want isolation and space and that's not going to be something that motivates them to stay in a relationship when they're already deciding to shut down, deactivate, pull away, and move forward. The idea of going no contact actually sounds pretty good. And this is simply because they tend to intellectualize the breakup.

[00:03:29]They'll say things like, "It wasn't right. It was the wrong time. They weren't the right person. I just need space. I have to work on all of these things if they're aware." And they use it to suppress emotion rather than process it. And so this is what reinforces their decision to move forward. And because the hard part is now over after that breakup, they feel better. And that confirms their decision in the first place. So the first thing they feel is relief and emotional shutdown. Not necessarily relief that you're no longer in their life, but relief that the hard part is over and they can just focus on living in a life that is in alignment with themselves. So that's the first thing they usually feel. Now the important thing to consider is that a lot of people think dismissive avoidance process time differently. And I would say to an extent that's really true. As someone who has once at one point leaned more dismissive, yeah, there were times where it took me much longer to have certain realizations, time just happened at a different rate, emotionally speaking, than when I was maybe more anxious. And so I think coming at it from the angle of a healed fearful avoidant, I kind of have that understanding of where dismissive avoidance often feel like, you know, it takes them longer to process things, to realize things, to understand how important someone was in their life because I was once there, too. And I totally understand where they're coming from. And so they can take much longer to have certain realizations, to have certain breakthroughs, especially when they're going into therapy themselves. It sounds like a rare thing and to an extent it is but when they do the work it can take them much longer in the beginning but once they start going they get a lot of momentum and the same thing happens during no contact. They have this delayed realization and this curiosity which then results in an ego check and this is where actually everything hits them dead on. And so once the silence between you and the dismissive avoidant stabilizes during no contact, curiosity starts to appear. This is where they'll take the form of like a light check-in.

[00:05:37]They'll reach out. They might lurk your social media. They might send you a light message, a text saying, "Hey, how are you?" Like, it's very surface level.

[00:05:45]It's very casual. Don't take it personally. If anything, just take it for confirmation and understanding where they are in the process. Notice I'm not giving time frames here. This is important because attachment styles are a spectrum and every dismissive avoidant is slightly different. The DAs who lean very hard DA are going to take more time. So if it takes them maybe half a year to almost a year to reach out, then at least you know this is where they're probably at in their no contact journey.

[00:06:14]And so when it comes to this phase, it's less about missing you and it's more about losing access and validation and control. So, what do I mean by this?

[00:06:26]Essentially, what it means is they might be in a place where they're starting to realize like, "Oh, damn." You know, maybe that breakup wasn't the best choice. Life actually isn't great. The grass isn't greener. They're sometimes just coming back to see if they still have access to you. If you're going to respond, if you're mad at them, if they're going to be able to maybe relaunch the relationship if they decide to eventually or they initially want to actually reconnect with you, like things like that. They're doing the light groundwork to see if there is a path forward essentially is what it is. And so they're going to check social medias, unread messages or feel mild discomfort, but they're not necessarily fully understanding why. And that's important to consider. So a lot of this is because they're disregulated in the loneliness and they want you to regulate them for them. So that's important to consider.

[00:07:16]And so the next phase is where you're actually going to see the most action from an avoidant because there's two paths they can take. There will be emotional surfacing or permanent detachment. So emotional surfacing and this is where they actually have the groundbreaking realizations. They start to realize, yes, I want you in my life.

[00:07:36]Yes, I miss you. I need you. I realize some of the ways in which I wasn't good.

[00:07:40]And they're actually willing to take accountability for some of the things in which they did wrong in the relationship. And when they come back like this, you might be realizing like, "Wow, where was this person at the time of the breakup?" It's just no contact doing its thing. It's time and space and the agency that they've had to reflect in that isolation now taking effect. And that's important to consider. And you'll find this is when they come back with the most enthusiasm, the most energy, and the most effort. It can sometimes last, sometimes it doesn't. So this is the first path. The next path is permanent detachment. This is where you probably never hear from them again and you're never going to know when it's taking place until years pass and you realize, yeah, we just haven't spoken in in this long. And in some ways, that's nicer because a you're not necessarily being emotionally tugged at this person.

[00:08:31]They're not coming in and out of your life causing you to be destabilized and disregulated and they're taking their own space and they're just moving on with their life. And so too should you.

[00:08:42]And the reason I say that this next phase is two because this is essentially the two most common outcomes that I find. I know most people online when they talk about no contact in the context of dismissive avoidance, they'll say they always come back. They always reach around. I'm going to set the expectation very clear here. Not all of them do. Some of them feel such immense shame or they just genuinely don't have certain realizations because they haven't changed at all and they just continue to move on with their life repeating the cycle with someone new because it's easier. So sometimes it really is like that. There are other times where dismissive avoidance start to heal like in my camp my example I went to therapy. I started working on myself, shifted from avoidance to anxious and then are insecure because I had both anxious and avoidant parts as a fearful avoidant. And I tackled both individually with my therapist at that time. And so that was essentially what my journey was like. Now that's after being able to take accountability. Not all of them can do that. And I would say if they're coming back to you and they're not willing to take accountability, they can't explain the ways in which they've changed actually practically in terms of actions and like communication styles, then you're probably not dealing with an avoidant who has done the work because people who have done the work can actually pinpoint specific examples and ways in which they're now different. So that's important to consider. So the important thing to take out of all of this is dismissive avoidance don't process loss in real time like say secure people do or anxious people. Um sometimes it is slower, it takes a lot longer and no contact works not because it forces but because it removes pressure and forces delayed emotional awareness. So in that space, in that distance, it creates the environment for an avoidant to have reduced pressure, which can cloud their judgment and actually allow them to see the forest through the trees. And this is why so many times going no contact, dismissive avoidance do come back.

[00:10:42]Sometimes it's because they've done the work, they have realizations, or they're at least willing to do the work when they come back into reconnection. And other times it's because they just want you to regulate them. So this is where your work as someone in no contact is really dependent on healing your attachment style and strengthening your ability to discern. Discernment will help you so much whether you start dating someone new who might be avoidant or an avoidant ex comes back to you. So I hope you got some value out of this video. Again, if you want to connect with me one-on-one to ask questions about your situation, the booking link is in the description. And if you want to learn more about dismissive avoidance, then this video will be of use to you. And if you want to learn more about fearful avoidance, especially based off of my journey, then feel free to check out this video. But until next time, happy healing and I'll see you in the next video.