YOU ARE NOT TAKEN UNTIL YOU MARRIED MENTALLITY | FEARFUL AVOIDANT | DR CHEYENNE BRYANT + JUSTIN LABO

Added: 2026-05-26

[00:00:00]Have you ever cheated before?

[00:00:02]>> Have I ever? You said be honest. You >> ever cheated on somebody before?

[00:00:04]>> No.

[00:00:05]>> No, I haven't been married anyways.

[00:00:08]>> So, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You said I haven't been married.

[00:00:12]>> Yeah.

[00:00:13]>> So, if you're not married, it's not considered cheating.

[00:00:15]>> I haven't cheated on somebody in high school or in a relationship.

[00:00:18]>> No, but you said I haven't been married when meaning I haven't cheated. You can cheat if you're committed. Yes, absolutely.

[00:00:24]>> But I have not cheated in an infidelity way, meaning through marriage. But I have not cheated when I'm committed. No.

[00:00:29]>> Okay. Okay.

[00:00:29]>> But I'm a lever.

[00:00:31]>> Well, listen. First and foremost, I'm going to play the a bit longer, but this is that that that comment there.

[00:00:39]Deadly. That was some lawyer stuff. When people don't give you a straight answer and they start skirting around it, they're doing some stuff. Reality situation is um and [clears throat] she's going to say something in a minute, which is why the title is why it is. But it when someone says, "Have you ever cheated before?" and you said, "Well, no, I've not been married before." What?

[00:01:01]Say what? If I asked you, I' been cheated before, are you going to start saying to me, "I've never been married before." Cheaters, we don't think of cheating just because you've been married. We think of cheating because you've been committed in a relationship with somebody. Therefore, you either yes or no.

[00:01:16]You You can ask me if I've cheated before, I tell you yes, I have. Have I been married before? No. I don't need to that. That that is the longest way around everything. But the reason why I had this title of the video is cuz of what she might say next.

[00:01:28]>> Two weddings. I'll leave some [ __ ] >> How many relationships you been in?

[00:01:31]>> That's my work.

[00:01:32]>> Lifetime.

[00:01:33]>> Oh, just >> No, I'm just saying. It seems like you figured it out.

[00:01:35]>> I I considered my two engagements my relationships. The rest were just exclusive >> seasons.

[00:01:41]>> Exclusive.

[00:01:42]>> What?

[00:01:44]I consider my two relationship my two engagements as relationships. The other other thing was exclusive seasons.

[00:01:53]You know, when you start trying to relabel what things are, often times you got shenanigans behind it. Okay? You're relabeling it so you can minimalize it.

[00:02:02]You're reabeling it so you don't have to um so you can not draw attent so you can not draw attention to the fact that there's certain behaviors that were not conducive with what we'd call standardized behavior. Um and the fact that she said about that the the uh they were exclusive seasons makes no sense.

[00:02:19]Either you were dating them or you weren't dating them. You were together or you not together? Were you boyfriend and girlfriend? What were you doing?

[00:02:24]>> Come on.

[00:02:25]>> If I didn't have ring on my finger, we weren't >> exclusive. You were exclusive.

[00:02:29]>> If you were not If a man was not intending [clears throat] on marrying me, then we were not in a committed relationship.

[00:02:36]>> Do you hear the logic? If a man was not intending on marrying her, then we weren't in a relationship. So, you probably were cheating. But that's this mindset is something that I talk about, you know, I talk about attachment styles a lot, right? This is this is an avoidant mindset. Um very much an avoidant mindset. Um and it's not just fearful avoidance. The dismissive avoidance can do this too, right? Where they can minimalize the the relationship status in order to get away with the behavior they're getting away with.

[00:03:05]That's the narcissistic tendencies that she's talking about her dad had that she has which most avoidants tend to have in some regard. Right? Um if you have an insecure attachment, you have some type of narcissistic traits anyway, right? It doesn't mean you're narcissist. this me have some traits. So in this instance, you hear her saying about, you know, that she's not committed.

[00:03:24]So therefore, the the the thing that's not being said in the gray is that I behaved how I wanted to behave that ever that kept me feeling safe. So only when they committed by a ring did I actually feel like there was a commitment in between that space. Now, did they think they were exclusive?

[00:03:40]Did they think that they were exclusive or did you know I mean like what was their ideology behind this? Were they in agreeance? Right? So, if you have this kind of mindset, usually it's because you're trying to stop yourself from being hurt. Right? A lot a lot of people do this when they are afraid of commitment and vulnerability. So, um you know, you want you you know the phrase I've heard it so many times um you know I'm not taken until a marriage, right?

[00:04:04]Like and you hear that often from avoidance because it's like hey that any of the behaviors I've exhibited before then it don't count because I wasn't married. But the reality is commitment isn't only marriage. And if you're only committed when you're married and not committed before, then I have to look at you like you're a danger to everybody else. Because at what point, how do we get from being here to then married?

[00:04:25]There is a process to that point. And you're telling me that you couldn't be exclusive at that point? You just doing whatever you want to do, right? Up until that point. Yeah, that's cheeky. But it also tells us about your fear of commitment in reality, right? And how [clears throat] you only respect marriage. But the reality is if you can't respect the boundaries of a committed relationship, how would I expect you to how do I expect you to respect the boundaries of marriage? It means nothing.

[00:04:49]>> To what's that called?

[00:04:50]>> What's what called?

[00:04:51]>> If you not in a He didn't consider marrying. Why? Why did you give that putty to somebody who didn't consider marrying you? If you have all the answers.

[00:04:58]>> I was in relationships.

[00:05:00]>> No, you were in >> Wait, now she says she was in relationships, but she said that was exclusive seasons. And she said the only relationships. Oh, man. That's crazy. I don't like the way the boy is even going at it with this question cuz it's no necessary. But it is highlighting something. If he's if you said that you only thought two relationships were actually relationships because they thought about marrying you and the other two that they didn't they didn't think about marrying you, but you gave them and then you're now telling us because they are relationships. Sis, you've confused us. Was it an exclusive season or was it a relationship?

[00:05:30]>> Relationship. The other person may have not been in relationship with you.

[00:05:33]>> No. When I was in relationships with a commitment, a commitment takes two parties, Justin.

[00:05:37]>> Oh my god. So you never You never found out.

[00:05:41]>> Found out what?

[00:05:42]>> That somebody wasn't exclusive to you?

[00:05:45]>> No.

[00:05:46]>> So you never been cheated on before either.

[00:05:48]>> What's my best friend saying over there?

[00:05:49]She [clears throat] shaking her head.

[00:05:50]>> Does she know you've been cheated on before?

[00:05:52]>> Cheat on her.

[00:05:54]>> You don't think she ever been cheated on before?

[00:05:55]>> I know that she has.

[00:05:56]>> Y'all delusional together. That's why y'all best friends. That's why y'all best friends. It makes sense now.

[00:06:00]respectful.

[00:06:01]>> TWO [ __ ] DELUSIONAL PEOPLE TOGETHER.

[00:06:04]>> EVERY MAN HAS CHEATED before >> except for me and Papoose.

[00:06:08]>> Now Justin boy, listen. I've cheated before, but not every man cheats. Let's not do that. But we need to be very careful as doing that. And usually people that cheat, they have some they usually have some um ch some trauma, child trauma, and some child wounds.

[00:06:21]There is a the reason why it looks like a lot of people cheat is because we we circumference the same kind of people.

[00:06:25]we're attracted to the same kind of people because the people that got wounds and are broken tend to be around other people who got broken wounds as well. What you'll notice is some people don't have this mindset because they've never lived in that space. They've never thought about cheating because they don't have that experience. They never thought of it that way. Their life doesn't revolve around the wounds and the and the and the childhood traumas and the lack of father figures in their life and the lack of mothers who cared about them. Their life doesn't revolve around that. They have two good parents that are very solid and they love them and they don't experience some of these things that they experience. I'm not saying secure people can't cheat. What I'm saying to you is the majority of times they are able to communicate and choose good partners that they're actually able to go the long distance with. It's us who come from those type of households where we've seen the messed up things that we looking for power and control and we don't know how to get it. So we snatch it by cheating.

[00:07:12]Let's just keep it a buck. Not all men cheat.

[00:07:15]>> We the three people that never cheated before.

[00:07:16]>> No. So So from So to answer your question, >> you got cheated on before. You don't get to >> to answer experience. The men I've been with, either they did a damn good job.

[00:07:24]>> They did a great job >> or they just didn't cheat. And you got to remember, I'm an access woman. So, I wasn't I've never been in a relationship with somebody that I didn't have full passwords, full access. We either, you know, we're living together. Men will be with you every day, everywhere. You can have they phone. You can have access.

[00:07:37]You can have passwords.

[00:07:39]>> If I've been cheated on, >> you didn't know you were cheating on cheating.

[00:07:43]>> I don't know why Justin is so intent on trying to tell her that she was cheating on. What for?

[00:07:49]Why are you so intent on this? It's giving nasty work. Can't lie to you, bro. Why are we so intent on trying to force a narrative that she got cheated on? Now, has she said that? Has she told you this? Are you are you getting on good information that she has cheat before? If that's the case, then let us know so we know. But if you don't have that information, I don't think we should be making any kind of deductions like saying you definitely got cheated on. I think that's I think that's out of order.

[00:08:09]>> Is cheating is an experience I would have to have knowledge of.

[00:08:15]>> No, no, no. Whatever a man decides to do on his own time that he feels he needs to be sneaky about, I am not an investigator. I'm not a woman who's fatherless. I'm not a woman who has that self-worth deficit.

[00:08:26]>> Why you need his password? Because >> no, Dr. Sharon Bryant, let's be very honest about it. See, now you now now you tripping again, Dr. Shan Bryant.

[00:08:34][snorts] Number one, okay, we know you're not necessarily fatherless, but your father didn't teach you the right things either because if his behavior was not correct behavior, it doesn't matter what he said, it's what you observed about his behavior. Number one.

[00:08:45]Number two, not only that, your behavior doesn't just come from the fact that you have a father. You're the mother that was on on on drugs. That's going to teach you about the fact that you can't rely on caretakers and those who take and those who take care of you, which means you're going to you're going to birth a you're going to birth a lot of hyper dependence, sorry, hyperindependence in the way that you deal with things emotionally. That means you're probably going to struggle to co-regulate with other people. So, in that space of almost trying to throw it off by saying, you know, you know, my my my daddy and my mommy, you know, kind of were good, so I'm good. Nah, sis, we can't throw that in there, right? You're actually not good. And that's what I said about Shai and Bright sometimes throws on a lot of gloss because she's not being all the way honest. I feel in that instance because sis, you're in the same boat as most of us. Okay. Now, I don't agree with Justin on the boy's um line of question and I think what the chat was I was seeing in the comment section, it is immature cuz the way he keeps going on about I don't understand why. It's not like you've got any special news for us or anything like that that you know about her as to why she's doing that. It must be the drinking. It's >> called transparency.

[00:09:47]>> No, that's not that's why you want to be that >> and also she is she and the fact that she has full transparency in this aspect. Sis, you investigating. Let's not lie. You're going to be investigating. It's going to make you feel better. So, you're going to investigate.

[00:10:00]transparency. I think the bigger I think the bigger Hold on. I think Hold on. I think the bigger question is why would somebody get into a committed relationship if they're not willing to be transparent?

[00:10:10]>> So, hit it respectfully.

[00:10:12]>> Respectfully.

[00:10:12]>> Yeah. You like that? Um, so do you believe that men and women can have platonic friendships if both are attractive? [sighs] >> You know, [laughter] I think that there are very very rare anomaly relationships where men and women can do that. I don't think it happens often and um but I do think it is possible but I think it's rare.

[00:10:34]>> I love that point that she made. You know what I mean? It is rare. Um if you want part three, if you want this conversation about this one, let me know. I'll comment down below. Justin the boy was very immature with the way he questioned her, but she did start to malfunction a little bit and and she does that because again, I think she struggles with being seen. I think like sometimes she sees it as a as a way of if she's seen then she will have to then then you can see her for who she truly is. And she said she has no selfworth issues. We all have selfworth issues if you come from a household that you came from.

[00:11:05]I'm sorry. Like like you're not going to get away from that selfworth issue. Just because your daddy was there just about and daddy didn't, you know, mistreat you or didn't wasn't absentee from you like you may have been with other kids don't mean you got no self worth issues, sis.

[00:11:20]Right? because of what he did and what he actually showed you. Two different things here, right? And even even if it didn't come from your dad, it would have come from your mom. So, yeah, just something to to point out. But this is very interesting, this conversation. And I can't lie.