Inside A Functioning Mom's Secret Alcoholism | My 30-Year Battle With Alcoholism

Added: 2026-05-26

[00:00:00]and like show up in a cab to this place that looks like like the psycho motel.

[00:00:04]And I was just like, how how how like I have a two three-year-old. Like how how am I here?

[00:00:14]>> Kyle, I want to thank you for coming on coming down from Atlanta. You are coming up on two years of sobriety this summer.

[00:00:21]>> Yes. So, >> congrats.

[00:00:22]>> Thank you. I think August 3rd. Yeah. I'm excited.

[00:00:25]>> That's amazing. It is.

[00:00:26]>> Congrats. What was take us through the worst time in active addiction? What was life like for you?

[00:00:37]>> Um, okay. Well, like, you know, I started drinking at a young age. Um, so, you know, back then it was like fun and that's kind of what everybody was doing. My parents kind of were accepting of it. You know, my dad was a big drinker. It was just the 90s or whatever. And then things, you know, began to escalate in college. A lot of more freedom, that type of thing. Just constant partying. Life really revolved around alcohol. And where am I going to drink? When am I going to drink? Who with then like recovering from it. But um when it really turned on me, I would say is in the past 10 years, let's say.

[00:01:16]Um so, you know, I was actively drinking and having fun. And then after I had my daughter who will be 12 in May, um you know, I would I did not drink at all during my pregnancy because I was so scared, you know, of her the health. I wanted her to be healthy and I also knew if I had one drink because people would be like, "Oh, you can have a glass of wine." I'm like, "No, cuz then I'd have like three bottles." So like that was good sobriety, but um you know, did pick it back up. So, I would just say like the last 10 years were really horrific as far as just like managing the day-to-day disease. Um, and this wasn't every day because I would have bouts of sobriety, but by this time everyone was concerned and alarmed and so I felt like everyone was like watching me and so a lot of um sneaking around and lying and covering up and that kind of thing. So, you know, really a typical day would just be waking up with a really bad hangover and really bad anxiety and panic um and shame and you know, I wasn't working.

[00:02:22]So, like what am I going to do with myself and my life and how am I going to do anything because I am dealing with this addiction. So, a lot of time was just spent like at drinking at how bad the situation was. um not knowing how I was going to get myself out of this, knowing like, you know, I'm an alcoholic. I have to deal with this.

[00:02:42]I've tried a lot of things in the past, rehabs, 30 days, IOPS, aversion therapies, you know, things that didn't work for me or maybe I didn't want them to really. Um and so just a lot of back and forth in my own mind of, oh my god, I drank and I did this. I don't want to drink today, but then obviously I had to. So the days were managing what had happened from the drinking and then trying to pick up those pieces and then figure out how I was going to do it again or try to stop.

[00:03:11]So a lot of like back and forth in my mind um of like the good and the bad going back and forth back and forth. Um so just a lot of you know maybe not every day but the majority you know drinking then then dealing with the hangover.

[00:03:27]Then I'd have two or three good days.

[00:03:29]Um, and then it would be right back to the vicious cycle. Um, so just really just feeling lost, hopeless, angry, paranoid, um, miserable, you know, and everyone's like, well, you know, stop drinking, you know, if everything and it's that's such an easy thing to say and, you know, I wish it was that easy.

[00:03:50]Like I tried that. I mean, I I at the end like I hated it. My husband's always like, "Nobody hates Kyle's drinking more than Kyle." And that's the truth. I really did. But I was physically addicted. It had control over my brain.

[00:04:04]And that is all I thought about. I was obsessed. And it like I I just wanted to turn my mind off because that is all I thought about like, okay, where did I hide those cans? Like what time is the recycling guy coming? Like am I going to be sober to drive? Like how am I going to get to the store to get more? How am I am I going to be all right to get to this thing? It was awful.

[00:04:24]>> So nothing really got accomplished except self-hatred.

[00:04:28]I like that you brought up in your head >> because what a lot of people don't understand about addiction and I see this all the time. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sex addiction, whatever it is, those are symptoms. Sugar, those are symptoms of the disease. The problem lies within here. So, you said you had a couple you'd get a couple days here and there. I had probably a 10year span where it was was really bad in active addiction, but then I would have these little bouts of sobriety, but nobody understands what it took to get to that little bout of sobriety. I would have to go into a meeting. I'd have to put my hand up. I have ex the world would just crumble and I would get a week or so. I would sit in my head >> because I would be halfassing the program.

[00:05:17]>> Oh, yeah. And then I would just convince myself that I can I can drink today. I deserved it. I've just been sober for a week. And then once I did that, I would wake up with a hangover the next day. I would have all the guilt and shame. And then the only way to get rid of that guilt and shame and those voices in my head, I'm a piece of I'm not worth it.

[00:05:36]Why am I still living? Everyone would be better off without me.

[00:05:40]>> I would have to medicicate. I'd have to either drink or drug to to be happy.

[00:05:45]>> To be happy.

[00:05:45]>> To be normal.

[00:05:46]>> To be normal. To be normal. Yes.

[00:05:48]>> Yeah.

[00:05:48]>> To be normal >> to feel. Yeah.

[00:05:50]>> And I went back and forth. And then the crazy thing is if you put me in a party or like let's say a client function after work and that day I am not I decided I'm sober that day.

[00:06:06]>> I could go to a function not drink and everyone else is drinking but I am not present. I'm sitting there battling a war in my head back and forth, back and forth. And it was like drugs and alcohol. Some people say this, and I identify with this a lot.

[00:06:26]>> It saved me from the chaos in my head from going insane and probably doing something horrific to myself.

[00:06:34]>> Yeah.

[00:06:34]>> And then it got me to sobriety, unfortunately, but fortunately.

[00:06:38]>> Yeah. Exactly.

[00:06:39]>> And then sobriety saved my life then from that point out. Exactly.

[00:06:42]>> I relate a lot to that.

[00:06:44]>> Well, it I I mean, and I believe this, my family believes it. Like, it's been in our family. We It's a disease of the brain.

[00:06:54]Like, you know, it really gets that that control over you. And for a long time, I didn't realize that.

[00:07:02]I just thought I was a bad person. I thought I made bad decisions. I thought I was >> selfish. basically what everybody else thinks of alcoholics and drug addicts.

[00:07:10]You know, they think that about us. You think about yourself a hundred times more. But >> it was it was an obsession that that the the the mental obsession would not go away. It was like I wouldn't even want to drink, but my mind would be like, "Yeah, but you're going to get anxious and then you're going to have to deal with this, so you need to go ahead and like get the alcohol and like prepare prepare for this." Nothing else. As much as I wanted to be present and wanted to be successful and be a good person and a good mom and all this stuff, that that was what my mind was taking over and I could be somewhere and all I was thinking about is, okay, as soon as I leave here, where am I going to get a drink? I can't drink here. Where's the alcohol when I get home? What store should I stop by? I was not present. If I was at dinner with you and I couldn't drink, I'd be like, when are we going to get the tab because I got to get out of here to get this. What is he saying?

[00:07:57]>> But no, I told myself I'm going to be sober today. What am I doing?

[00:08:00]>> Yes. just constant fighting with myself um back and forth in your brain and it's exhausting.

[00:08:08]>> I had no idea how exhausted I was. I mean physically but then mentally just fighting like who I know I am for real, but then the alcohol was telling me you can't live without me.

[00:08:24]>> Yeah.

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[00:09:24]And the guilt and shame compounds so much. We tell ourselves we're pieces of [ __ ] We're not worth it.

[00:09:31]>> Um, you know, it's only a matter of time until everyone finds me out.

[00:09:36]>> So, I like that you did mention that because a lot of people before you even get clean and sober, if someone's listening right now who's still in active addiction, >> you're not a piece of [ __ ] Don't worry about it. Just let's remove the drugs and alcohol. You will do the work on yourself and you will realize that everyone has the same thoughts that you're having right now.

[00:09:56]>> So, let's take a step back.

[00:09:58]>> Okay.

[00:09:59]>> Let's go to early childhood. Okay.

[00:10:00]>> Take us through your childhood. What was it like and where are you from originally?

[00:10:05]>> So, I was born in San Antonio, Texas.

[00:10:08]Both my parents are from Texas, but then they were u my dad played football at Georgia Tech, so they were in Atlanta for a little bit and then had my sister, but they were in San Antonio and had me and um we lived there till I was 10. But I had a good childhood. Um my dad was an alcoholic and you know there was a lot of trauma and drama and chaos with that. But you know, we had a nice life. um you know traveled, went to great schools, you know, kind of from the outside looking in it was good. Um I had a lot of anxiety as a child. Um especially like you know till I was like 10. So like those early years. Um but I was very like into like dress up and kind of like inventing stories like escaping reality almost. um before like obviously before the addiction but a coping way was escaping reality like dressing up and like pretending like stories playing with Barbies all the time that kind of thing but um really emotionally attached to my mom to the point of like Sunday nights anxiety crying before school like didn't want to leave her. So like on part of me was like this fun like doing cartwheels all the time, dressing up like hyper child, but then there was this other side of me that was full full of fear and anxiety.

[00:11:31]Um just due to the chaos of alcoholism being in our family. Um and like I said, we lived in Texas. Everything was really big, like big hair, big nails, big shoulder pads, and people drinking. And I thought it was glamorous and fun and sexy. And that's kind of what you did.

[00:11:48]Um, you know, people are drinking margaritas out by the pool and having mimosas on Sunday morning and my parents, you know, we were always at parties and vacations and things like that. But behind the closed doors, the alcohol was ruining our family. Um, and then we moved to Atlanta when I was 10.

[00:12:08]Um, and just lots of issues with my dad with the drinking that I saw. And it's so bizarre to me because I hated him for it. And then I turn around and I'm doing the same thing to my daughter. And that was very painful. Um to think, okay, here I am, you know, I lived a childhood that that a child of an alcoholic is a hard is a hard role to play and uh now I'm doing it to to my child. So there was um you know the just lots of drama and trauma with with my parents fighting and um just you know the addiction kind of um >> controlling um everything and you know my parents would like kind of separate and then go back together just >> kind of chaos.

[00:13:00]>> Chaos. Yeah. Um and so then I found like I am very addicted to drama thrive on drama. Um, you know, I I would create a lot of drama with my drinking. So, you know, I was like kind of used to that adrenaline. Um, you know, oh, things are calm. Oh god, I got to go mess some like I don't feel comfortable. I got to go do something.

[00:13:21]>> Um, so, you know, like I said, I my parents are, you know, we're my mom's still alive. my dad did die, but very loving, wonderful parents, >> but you know, everybody has their issues and um they were always very helpful and supportive and and and took care of me.

[00:13:37]Um but you know, the disease affected our whole family for sure.

[00:13:40]>> Did you what were some of the signs that you saw with your father? Like was he coming home tanked or was he like what were some of the signs and and some of the things around his drinking that you were noticing?

[00:13:52]Well, like I said, he played football and so he wasn't really like a big drinker till like after that. Um, like I can just remember him being like very drunk and I mean he drank in front of us. It was like he didn't Yeah. Yeah, he would come in from the golf course or the office, you know, and then he he did travel, but I mean it was every night and, >> you know, at restaurants or, you know, ordering lots of drinks, just I just knew. And then he would get angry. So it was this stuff is bad. This makes you mean. This makes you >> yell. This makes you mad. So I I thought I I knew it was bad.

[00:14:35]>> Mhm. Another personality would come out in him. Okay. So that was the change you saw.

[00:14:41]>> You saw this different guy >> who is your father, right? That's your that's like your love and the male role model. Well, the male model in a a young girl's life and he's changing to this different person.

[00:14:55]>> Okay. That's traumatizing.

[00:14:56]>> It was. Yeah.

[00:14:57]>> So, what was high school like for you?

[00:15:01]>> High school was really wild. Um, my sister was two years older and we lived in this really big modern house and I mean I could go for days and not see my dad. And so and my mom, we call her the the enabler. Like she just kind of let me get away with stuff.

[00:15:20]It was easier to like don't tell dad because like he would get mad if I did something wrong.

[00:15:26]Um but like like lots of drinking, throwing parties at the house, um drinking and driving, drinking with my parents, like having people over. Um so they like dad was really strict about like curfew and and and that kind of stuff. But I was just kind of already, you know, as soon as I had my car, like I was gone and and drinking and >> but high school was um you know, a lot of drinking. I was slapping with my mom.

[00:15:53]like when did they, you know, like when did you know that that the alcohol was a problem? And my mom and I was laughing.

[00:15:58]My mom, so I went to this private school and they called one day and they said, "We just want to let you know that Kyle has missed 18 Mondays in a row." And we were like, "Well, that's probably when the alcohol problem started."

[00:16:10]>> Oh man. Um, but then I ended up graduating from high school a year early because my sister had left and um, you know, just like the drinking in the house and I just kind of wanted I was ready to be gone. Um, because I wanted that freedom and I I I didn't want to live in that really environment anymore.

[00:16:29]Um, so I think that is really when it escalated going to college at 17.

[00:16:34]>> Then it was on.

[00:16:35]>> Where'd you go? So I went you Wait, hold on. You missed 18 Mondays and you were still able to you were very intelligent in school.

[00:16:43]>> I'm I'm smart enough how to figure out how to do stuff. So I went I figured out how many credits you need and then I went to the school and I said I have this many credits and I worked in the headm's office and then I would go to this p this little like school that had like private tutors at night for like two or three hours and then I got into Old Miss.

[00:17:01]>> Wow.

[00:17:01]>> And went there for two years.

[00:17:03]>> Great school. And then transferred to Georgia. But um >> take us through Old Miss. You show up.

[00:17:08]You're 17 years old.

[00:17:09]>> Yeah. Just drink, drink, drink. I mean, constant drinking. But like I just noticed like I was fun, but then it would get to a point of like, you know, blackout, falling down, massive hangovers, not going to class, that kind of thing. Um and people noticed early like I was I just I knew like I knew then like I'm I'm have a problem.

[00:17:33]>> I drink differently.

[00:17:34]>> I drink differently. differently than other people. Very differently. Um noticed that >> could drink a lot more. Was already at the point of like >> if we're going out like I've already had two drinks before while I'm getting dressed >> whereas you know most people wait till you get there. So just noticing things like that. Um so then I stayed there for two years and then my mom decided my parents decided to get divorced. So I moved back to Atlanta and or went to Athens to Georgia. So transferred there for three years and then that's when, you know, that's where all my high school friends were at school. So then that I just went back and I mean we were all just wild and crazy and went out all the time, you know, drank, had a ball, made tons of fun memories, but I was always doing just crazy things, putting like risky behavior, you know, drinking and driving, getting in dangerous cabs, um not going to class, not being responsible, not managing money, not just just constant constant chaos. And you know, I think my mom and his dad, you know, probably just kept thinking, oh, you know, maybe she'll grow out of this.

[00:18:41]>> Mhm.

[00:18:42]>> But they, you know, they're dealing with their own things.

[00:18:44]>> Yeah.

[00:18:45]>> So during that time, during your college years, were there any incidents that had happened where you were like, oh [ __ ] >> Oh, yeah. Like every morning I would wake up and be like, >> like an arrest or like a DUI. Were there any situations where it was like really really concerning? I mean, I never got arrested. I mean, I was pulled over three times and I think the cops were like, "This girl is so pitiful. Like, we're just going to let her go home."

[00:19:12]>> Oh my god.

[00:19:12]>> Like, they probably felt like so sad for me. Like, oh my god. So, >> nothing like horrible like that, but like, you know, like like, yeah, I did drink and drive or you know, my like my mom didn't know where I was one night.

[00:19:26]Um, just like alarming people. So like risky behavior, but then like like especially in Athens, I did feel safe because I had these guys and girls around me that like I'd grown up with and so we were all doing [ __ ] up stuff together and I felt like >> at least I know that like these guys aren't going to let me go home with some crazy person or you like I did feel a sense of looked out for um >> in that manner. So, it's almost like I had free range to, you know, oh, if I if I black out and fall down, like these two old guy friends of mine are going to pick me up off the bar and make sure.

[00:20:03]>> Um, but it was just >> and and then it was just like the depression and anxiety was alarming, you know, the way I could sleep and go into these shame spirals and depressions and then would get out of it and then just start the whole thing back over. So, there wasn't like an isolated incident, but yeah, I mean, people would call my mom, Kyle's [ __ ] up, we're worried about her. I mean, this started at 20.

[00:20:24]>> Yeah.

[00:20:25]>> Yeah.

[00:20:25]>> Okay. So, you end up graduating college.

[00:20:27]What do you do after you graduate?

[00:20:28]>> Then I go straight to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

[00:20:31]>> I've been to Jackson.

[00:20:32]>> Yes. That's awesome.

[00:20:33]>> I've I've skied there.

[00:20:34]>> Um Yeah. So, I go there with a bunch of girls after we graduated. Um and we lived out there for the summer. And I was a little bit better with the drinking just cuz I was like outside all the time and healthier. Um and then I ended up staying out there for like a year and a half. But, you know, lots and lots of drinking.

[00:20:52]>> Yeah. you can get yourself into a lot of trouble out there.

[00:20:54]>> Lots and lots of drinking um out there and then I moved home the day before 9/11.

[00:21:02]I remember my mom picking me up from the airport and then we woke up the next morning and that happened and then I was in Atlanta and just like got right back into that >> group of people >> group of people just partying and like couldn't really find a job like then I think I was living with my dad and >> really just like going out and and you know drinking like staying up for days at a time you know but this is the point when like my friends were having jobs going to grad school dating getting their lives together and I'm over here >> still just partying, not knowing what I wanted to do, kind of lost. Um, so then I spent probably a year or so in Atlanta and then I just decided I was going to move to Charleston. I'd lived there a summer um like when I was 17 or 18. It so my I when I make up my mind to do something like once I make up my mind it takes me a long time like I do it. So, like with that, I was like, I'm I I just remember being like, I don't want to be in Atlanta anymore. Like, I don't want to be like wake up at 50 and be sitting in this bar, but I'll just go to Charleston, wake up another bar. So, I said, I'm going to move to Charleston.

[00:22:13]And 10 days later, I was there.

[00:22:15]>> Um, and then I stayed there for like nine years, and that was >> interesting.

[00:22:20]>> Turned the volume way up.

[00:22:22]>> Yeah.

[00:22:22]>> Um, okay.

[00:22:24]>> I've been in Charleston. It's beautiful there. You can get yourself in a lot of trouble there as well.

[00:22:27]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:22:28]>> So you go there now. You were saying off camerara you were in ad sales. Did you start advertising sales when you moved to Charleston?

[00:22:35]>> Yeah. So I had sold for a magazine in Atlanta and then when I moved to Charleston I worked for like a radio station selling advertising. Um so I would just do like different you know ad sales jobs. never really super duper successful at them, but was able to manage it with the addiction because maybe the corporate office wasn't there and you're out on sales calls and you know not being responsible basically or or not able to be.

[00:23:00]>> Yeah. Why don't you take us through the life of an executive in advertising sales so the audience can understand exactly what that entails? I mean my I wouldn't say I mean the the companies I work for like I worked for a restaurant group that did um like marketing for big restaurants and then like a magazine. So you know calling on like restaurants, hotels, spas, retail, going into the businesses like socializing with them um and just trying to sell them, you know, print print ad sales. So really kind of what you put into it as you know and building relationships and >> setting outside meetings. So, a lot of that in Charleston was kind of done out of the office and out and about. Go to a bar, meet somebody, you know, but lots of beach time and water time and alcohol time.

[00:23:45]>> Yeah, it's it's very when you have a sales job, it's very easy to kind of >> weasle your way through, go to the beach for 4 hours on a Monday.

[00:23:55]>> Yes.

[00:23:56]>> Making sure your your clients are renewing with you, take them out to a nice dinner on the company. Yeah, >> it's a pretty uh cush job. It really is.

[00:24:05]And if but but it takes skill. If you can >> take care of all the different things and make that happen, >> you can make it happen. And I used to reward myself.

[00:24:14]>> Oh, absolutely.

[00:24:15]>> For doing a good job of, >> you know, managing all the >> Well, and then I can remember like if I had like work from home jobs too, like one of them was a work from home even back then in Charleston. Um, I mean I would just drink like all day. Um, like making sales calls and like by the end of it I would be blacked out and then I wouldn't follow up. You know what I mean? So it's like I would put in all this work cuz like maybe I'd be like hyper from alcohol and so like it would give me energy and I I'd you know sit on the phone just talk crazy to people and then you know the next day I'm too hung over to make it to the meeting I set >> or return the phone call. So, it was just like a vicious cycle of like I, oh, I did great and got this big account.

[00:24:56]Well, then I'd probably lose it because I didn't follow up with >> Were you big on, okay, you close a huge deal. Now, in sales, you should always be closing because there's going to be a drought at some point. Were you big on closing a huge deal and then just coasting after that?

[00:25:11]>> That was my mo.

[00:25:13]>> I every my father was in sales and he's like, "Don't ever coast. You should always be closing. Even if you're number one, still make those new calls. And yeah, and I would always be like, I just closed a million dollar deal. I'm chilling, you know, or $10 million deal.

[00:25:28]I'm I'm cruising through the quarter.

[00:25:30]Like, I made my commission. I'm good.

[00:25:32]I'm maxed out.

[00:25:34]>> And then it would always bite me in the ass.

[00:25:36]>> Absolutely. Every time.

[00:25:36]>> Every time. Yeah.

[00:25:37]>> I was the king of half measures.

[00:25:39]>> Uhhuh.

[00:25:40]>> So, you are married. Did you meet your husband in Charleston?

[00:25:45]>> No. Um, so I was in Charleston for probably like nine years. Um, and I knew my husband from Atlanta. We kind of like ran around with the same crowd. Um, so I knew him actually at seventh grade basketball camp. We had crushes on each other. Um, and like his sister and my sister knew each other. We were kind of family acquaintances, but then I hadn't seen him in 15 or 20 years. Um, so we kind of reconnected and he came he had some other friends there and he came to visit in Charleston and then we started dating and we knew we wanted to get married and I mean we party party party all the time and he he doesn't drink anymore. Um, but his wasn't like he like when he did drink it would you >> he was a normie.

[00:26:29]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like he would you know have a wild night but he was able to just like put it down like mine was so painful to to stop. Um, so then once we started dating and knew we wanted to get married, you know, I'm from Atlanta and he was already there, so I moved back.

[00:26:45]>> Okay. What year roughly did you move back from Charleston?

[00:26:48]>> Uh, 2010.

[00:26:49]>> Okay. So 2010.

[00:26:50]>> No, no, like 2012. Sorry.

[00:26:52]>> Okay. 2012.

[00:26:54]>> Yeah.

[00:26:54]>> You're you're in Atlanta, you get married >> and then you shortly after a couple years after you have a kid. And so we got married, very drunk weekend, you know, just like we were big drinkers. Like he and I, we would go out all the time to happy hours, like go to the lake, drink, you know, we were carefree, didn't have a child, all that. Um, so we got married in March and then something happened. My drinking was out of control and I was like, I'm not going to drink. Um, and so I took a month off and I got pregnant >> during that month. And then um had her and um >> and you stayed sober the whole pregnancy.

[00:27:34]>> Whole pregnancy. Okay.

[00:27:35]>> Um and then >> which by the way is a blessing but it's a curse too because I've had little like medical things where I had to stop doing drugs or drinking >> and every time after that I'd be like well no I stopped during that time. I can stop if I want to.

[00:27:50]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:27:51]>> That's scary.

[00:27:52]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:27:53]>> So go ahead. I didn't mean to come.

[00:27:55]>> Oh no. You're okay. So something had happened. What was I saying?

[00:27:57]>> Uh, you would you stopped through the pregnancy. You have your daughter. So then I had her and um and then I drank like we had this baby nurse come cuz I had like never held a baby like I was scared to death and my mom was sick and anyway and she came and like stayed with us for like 10 days. But she like when you're breastfeeding she was like oh um Guinness will like beer with the yeast or something in it like helps produce some milk. And so she made my husband and I like go out on a date like you know four or five days after the baby after she was home >> and I was like I'm going to have a beer and it was and and for me like it's like turning on a light switch. So like I had gone for at that point almost I would say 11 months >> well whatever 10 10 months >> 10 11 months without drinking. And so that night when we had the when we went out and I had that Guinness like I felt like it's I was like oh I'm I'm back in full addiction.

[00:28:57]And then the next so I drank a little bit and then I just remember like the next day I needed to drink >> but I was breastfeeding so then I couldn't really it so it it it's very I for me it's >> we're getting formula we're done breastfeeding. Yeah, it's it it was just I I just felt it like going for that long and then and then it was it was like the electricity had been turned on and it was like that good feeling, but then it was like, "Oh my god, I'm back.

[00:29:26]I have obsession. I have to like now I'm going to have to drink another one. Then we're going to have to stop to the store on the way home. Then tomorrow I'm going to have to drink." So that that one >> it's the allergy.

[00:29:35]>> It's that it's the allergy. Yeah.

[00:29:37]>> Yeah. It kicks up the obsessive compulsivity of addiction and that's all you think about. your world revolves around it.

[00:29:44]>> I mean, no offense, like [ __ ] the baby.

[00:29:47]I got to get alcohol. That's secondary.

[00:29:50]And every the only thing that comes first is a substance.

[00:29:53]>> Well, and that's what's so crazy to me is like that I was so healthy and paranoid and concerned during my pregnancy, like taking such good care, wanted her to be healthy, so scared. And then here I am, you know, let's say at this point she's six months a year and I'm going I have a beautiful healthy baby that and I'm drinking.

[00:30:14]>> Yeah.

[00:30:14]>> And it I hated myself. It was awful.

[00:30:18]>> Yeah. So take us through the years go on, your daughter starts to get a little older. When do things really really ramp up? Maybe take us through the last couple years. I know you had said you were trying to go to, you know, meetings and stuff like that and get sober. You bounced back and forth a little bit for a few years there, >> but take us through >> the absolute rock bottom.

[00:30:42]>> Well, there's a bunch of them. So, like my daughter was born in 2014.

[00:30:48]Um, so, you know, that first year was okay, but you know, would drink. Um then I just so at this point like I was lying about drinking cuz like because people were so concerned now because like now I'm a mom and so it's not just like party like oh she's just like having fun and you know now it's like alarming to like my parents, my in-laws, my husband, my sister, everyone, my just like oh lord.

[00:31:21]So, um, somehow I can't even remember what happened. And this was when my dad was alive. Um, I was just like very unhappy and and drinking a ton. Um, and you know, something had happened and my husband, you know, was very upset and whatever, but the family was involved and my dad wrote down on like this piece of paper, shik shadel, and like gave it to me. Um, and it was this hospital in Seattle, Washington. It's called Shik Shadel, and it's an aversion therapy place. So, it had been around for like 30 years. And so my dad was like this man that my dad had played golf with who at this point this man is like 70 years old had gone to this place 30 years before and had never touched another drink because we like my dad went to a 30-day my like we just didn't know that that was the answer if you will you know like because we were fully aware how this how the disease worked. So >> a lot of people like maybe the third like 30-day or AA may not be the answer for me. So, I go. So, I'm like, "Okay, I'll try I'll I'll try this." It's a 10-day program where you go out to Seattle and they use aversion therapy, meaning they make you drink and then vomit to make you stop like have an aversion to it. So, somehow I got out there on the plane very intoxicated and like show up in a cab to this place that looks like like the psycho motel and I was just like, "How how how like I have a two three-year-old. Like, how how am I here?

[00:32:52]how have I gotten here?

[00:32:55]And it was a crazy crazy place. And I went in and they like kept me in the bed for a day. Like no doctor really came and saw me. And then I ended up meeting some fun people. But um how it worked is every other you were there for like 10 days. So every other day they would give you epicat. Is that it? It's that stuff that you drink if you get poisoned and it makes you vomit. Mhm.

[00:33:20]>> So they would put you in this room and there would be like a table about that big. It was a closet and then they have a mirror and a sink and you would have to tell them everything that you ever drank. So like vodka, wine, I mean well I drank everything. So like every alcohol, but you could be very specific like Grey Goose or um you know Pino whatever brand and then they would give you the medicine that would make you nauseated or whatnot and then you would have to sit in front of the mirror and you have a nurse with you and they're like taking your vitals and all this and then you start drinking and then you become nauseated so badly and you're having to look at yourself and you're contin I'm talking like cups of vodka this big and hot white wine and you're chugging And then you start vomiting into the sink and you're like getting these demons of alcohol basically out. So you're in there and you're like cry. I mean I was I was just like crying like oh my god like how like I don't ever like looking at yourself in the mirror. I'm like I don't ever want to feel this way again. I want this out.

[00:34:18]Then they take you back to your room and you have to lay in the bed and they soak like a towel. I chose red wine. and they dip it into and then and they put it next to your head and you have to lay in the bed and you're still really nauseated for like two to three hours and you're vomiting and you're very ill and if you can't take it anymore they will come in and like zap you with Zopran but I think it was a three to four hour window and then they do come in and medicate you and get you back to normal.

[00:34:47]So like you're laying in the bed and then you're throwing up and so basically you're sitting there like going okay next time I want to drink let's remember this. So you would do that and then the next day they would do this therapy where they give you I think it's that thing that Michael what's that propol >> propanol?

[00:35:04]>> Is it the truth serum?

[00:35:06]>> I don't know if it's >> it's something that like puts you out for like maybe 30 seconds and you tell the truth >> and then they record you and it would ask you stuff like are you ever going to drink again? And I would say no. So that's like your consc your subconscious.

[00:35:20]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:35:21]>> Okay. So, and I like and I believed all this.

[00:35:24]>> And so then I did it. So I stayed there for like 10 days and did this whole thing. And I was like really thought I was done. I 100% really really really really did. Um and I was like, "Oh, okay. This is like so much better than having to go to like a 30-day." Like I really saw it as like a medical treatment. like I've gone and had this treatment done and I'm going to be better. I'm going to be okay. And then I've No.

[00:35:51]>> How long did you last?

[00:35:55]>> I would say like four months.

[00:35:57]>> Okay. Maybe.

[00:35:58]>> I wasn't expecting four months.

[00:36:00]>> I know. I think I would have to go back.

[00:36:02]It It wasn't It was not more than that.

[00:36:04]I know. Um, so I did stop with the wine like so the aversion therapy for some reason like I really couldn't drink wine anymore because of the smell and the taste and stuff. So I just started drinking something else. So I just picked right back up and then so there was just you know and then it was like and then that's when like just started living the lie because some people knew that I had gone like I didn't even tell some people like some people knew that I wasn't drinking. Then I had a group of friends who like I would drink with that didn't know that I was an addict. And then I had my family who was on like high alert. So I would have to like keep my [ __ ] together for them. And then I've got oh these crazy people don't care what I do so I can you know so managing kind of the chaos of that and a child.

[00:36:48]Um and then things kind of got better.

[00:36:54]um like had some jobs here and there, you know, bouts of sobriety and then, you know, I call them my, you know, episodes of binges, people getting upset, fighting with my husband, drinking and driving, being an idiot, just you know, just not doing right and I wasn't happy.

[00:37:12]>> And then I think in 2018ish, um I can't really remember what happened, but I was not doing well. Like I was very very ill. And um like my mom called and she never came like she doesn't have a car anymore, but she had a car that didn't she didn't drive for like 3 years. So the fact that she came over, she like called and was like, "I need to talk to you about something about dad." And I'm thinking, "God, we always talk on the phone." And so she showed up at my door like at like 10:00 in the morning and I was drunk and had like taken a gummy and she was like, "I'm worried about you." And you know, your husband's worried about you. My daughter, wheezy is my daughter. you know, wheezy's concern. I mean, she's little and um >> I love that name.

[00:37:54]>> I know.

[00:37:55]>> That's great.

[00:37:56]>> So, I said, "Okay." She said, "I was going to do an intervention and like get the whole family involved and you know, she was just like, "But I knew you'd freak out." And I was like, "Yeah, that that yeah, I would lose my mind. Like, don't do that." So, we got in the car and she dropped me off at some detox center like 30 minutes from the house.

[00:38:14]And it was horrible. And I was like so mad and like didn't have any clothes and just like crying up like so upset and then I guess I like made her like get me my own room was just acting like a brat.

[00:38:29]Like an entitled brat.

[00:38:30]>> I would have kicked you out. I would have like opened the door and kicked you right out of the >> curve. Yeah. Being horrible. And so then I end up staying there for 5 days. And while I'm there, so like I have so many God winks like about my like just people that have come in my life. While I'm there, I end up meeting this guy who's in there to detox. Well, it turns out his father and my father played football together at Georgia Tech and we're like very good friends and it was like this whole story. So he like gets on the phone with his dad and he's like, "You're not going to believe who is at this detox center with me." And anyway, so that was really interesting. So then it's like time to go home. So, I've like sat there for like five days basically smoking cigarettes and taking Adavan and uh and so they're like the nurse or whatever is like, "Okay, well, like you're going to a 30-day." And I was like, "No, you have the wrong patient.

[00:39:20]Like, you've got the wrong paperwork."

[00:39:21]She's like, "No, your family says you're going away." I'm like, "No."

[00:39:25]And so, I somehow end up back at my house and they're like, "You need to go to a 30-day." And like my dad's involved who's like actively drinking and my husband is like pissed. My sister, we had this other friend who was sober who was we found out now was not sober who was like trying to run the show >> and like call my mom and like do the intervent you know. So just like chaos.

[00:39:47]>> So I end up back at my house and had been in the detox for 5 days. Well, I'm so mad that I like start drinking, smoking weed >> and I had this housekeeper over and she was over there. Well, somehow she and my because it was my dad's housekeeper, too. She called and told my dad like Kyle's here at the house. So then everyone got all I can't even remember.

[00:40:07]It was pure drama. So then I drank for like two or three days and then I got into this place in Texas called Laasa Sienda which is an hour outside of San Antonio where I had grown up.

[00:40:18]>> So I sure enough my husband took me to the airport and he was like, "Here we are. Here we are again. Here we are.

[00:40:24]You're getting back on a plane to go back to another treatment center." And I mean it was sucked like um so I got there so drunk lost my wedding ring like in the airport like can't believe I got on the plane like they had this guy pick me up um I was so drunk I was trying to get him to drive me by my old house in San Antonio >> before taking me to rehab >> before taking me to the rehab because the the we had a pool in the shape of Texas at that house and I was like I've got to show you this. He did end up taking me on the way back 30 days later on the way to the airport. So I show up there like I've lost the ring. Like I think it's in my bag. Like the other patients are like looking out the window. I'm like digging in the gravel.

[00:41:04]Like I was in bad shape. So I ended up getting in there and detoxed for like a day and did great and stayed there for 30 days. Did the whole AA um really spiritual program. I got baptized in the river there where right by the childhood ranch I had grown up on. So like very amazing positive experience. My husband came out for family week. Um, which was very brutal, but it was good.

[00:41:30]>> Necessary.

[00:41:31]>> Necessary. Um, but you know, Kevin, I knew I wasn't done. I knew I was not done. And that like looking back now, like I I I know how the alcoholic mind works because I have one. And I'm like, I'm not a liar and I'm not a bad person, but my mind was controlled by this. So, I can just remember even being like there at the 30-day thing being like, "Okay, like I totally believe all this stuff and I like want all this to work, but you know, I'm not going to really like go in like and I had told some friends I was there, but like I wasn't going like planning to go back and like talk about my sobriety because I knew somewhere like, oh, I'm going to have to I'm going to drink again, so I don't want to like tell people I'm sober because then I just fail again."

[00:42:16]>> You don't want to commit to it. So, like that's why I know I'm done this time because I'm on here talking about it and like >> cat's out of the bag.

[00:42:24]>> Right. The cat's out of the bag and I want it to be whereas in the past I would be like you better not tell anybody I'm in rehab.

[00:42:29]>> Right. Right.

[00:42:30]>> Because of that not only fear but knowing that >> that I wasn't ready. Yeah.

[00:42:36]>> And that like already scheming, okay, well, so when I get home like I'll be good for like, you know, six months, but then like when this happens this summer, like I'll drink over it. like your mind is already scheming. Y >> um >> the first step is admitting to yourself and other people that you are admitting to yourself, but like that you're powerless. Admitting defeat and it sounds like you weren't willing to do that yet.

[00:42:58]>> I was not. I was not like cuz I I mean I was bound and determined like that, >> you know, I was going to drink something else, drink less, drink only on Tuesdays, figure it out, figure it out, you know. Um >> and I did try all those things. I I really did because I loved alcohol and it was my best friend and it was my identity really. I mean it was what I identified with. It's what everything revolved around. It was in my family. It was my personality. And so there was a big fear of like who am I without this without not only the fun Kyle or the the enjoyable like social aspect of it but like who am I if I'm not depressed and anxious and managing chaos?

[00:43:38]>> Who what am I going to do all day >> kind of thing. Um anyway, so then yeah, I got back from the the 30-day and um had some sobriety and then it was like a couple of months >> back and forth.

[00:43:51]>> Back and forth.

[00:43:52]>> Why don't you take us through take us through the last six months or so >> before you actually got sober this time about two years ago.

[00:44:00]>> Um how that all went down.

[00:44:04]>> Okay. Well, so my Okay, this is an important part. So my dad died. So, this is September 2019.

[00:44:12]And it was like um Labor Day. And my sister was like, "Dad's dying." And I'm like, "Whatever." Like, "He is so tough and like he'll live to be 100." And uh anyway, she was like, "No, like something's going on." So, it turn it turns out he I we we don't really know.

[00:44:31]He may have had some like blood cancer or something. He didn't really share, but um and he was actively drinking. And so, I had gone over to take him to like at this point what we thought was like some allergy maybe. We were at an allergist and he got really sick in there and they were like, you know, he needs to probably go to the hospital. Like you're in the wrong place. And so we went back to the house. Quick break to remind you that if you or a loved one are struggling, you don't have to do it alone. Compassion Behavioral Health offers worldclass mental health and addiction treatment. give them a call at 844-443-5669 or visit compassionbehavioralhealth.com.

[00:45:09]Help is waiting. Now, back to the episode.

[00:45:12]>> And I was like, "Dad, I need to call an ambulance." And like he was very very sick and he was like, "Please like begging like not even like fighting like don't you not calling an ambulance." Um, and so I started drinking, you know, like 11 in the morning and then I finally called the ambulance at like 2:00 and they took him away and he never came home. Um, so that really flared up like the last year years. Bender.

[00:45:36]Um, so he was in the hospital for I don't know a few days. Um, and my sister like I went up there drunk to see him and then the next day my sister took me back up there and I was sober, thank God. I was hung over and very anxious and all that. And um and my dad and I had like a very volatile relationship because like he hated that I had what he had. And so he was angry at me, but he was mad at himself. He was angry that I got it >> that I that I had to deal with it. I think you know what I mean? Um so he was always worried and mad, but then my whole thing was like, well, who are you to talk? Like I'm not listening to you.

[00:46:16]I don't respect you. Like you you're doing the same thing. So that was that was hard, you know. Um anyway, so we go up to the hospital and you know what alcohol does to you? I mean, he's blown up and you're very sick from it and tubes everywhere and um he had this beautiful like salt and pepper hair. So, I'm just leaning over the bed talking to him, like petting his head, telling him how good his hair looks, and he's, you know, kind of I mean, he's not really conscience conscious. And I'm just like telling him I love him. And he like woke up and grabbed my neck. Like, I'm like leaning down in his face. He grabbed me really hard like this. And he grabbed got right in my face. He said, "Don't let this disease get you." and he said, "Do something with your life, daughter."

[00:47:04]And then I walked out of the room and he died the next day at 5.

[00:47:09]So then I drank that and I I mean I just was I drank a lot to cover the pain. Um I wasn't ready. I'm so glad he's at peace. I I know he is. I know he's at peace and I know he's watching me. I talk to him every day. M >> um but it I I just drank through through a lot of that and then we had co >> Yeah, it's a good distraction.

[00:47:36]>> Yeah, it was a good distraction. So, like >> really quick, I I want to I I am so sorry about your dad.

[00:47:41]>> That's okay.

[00:47:42]>> And um that's a very powerful story, >> you know, and it's we have these things in our lives that happen >> and um >> we want to honor them like what your dad said to you, right? Yeah, >> the disease in some cases is just so strong. I've had moments like that in my active addiction.

[00:48:01]>> And it took a little, it was powerful.

[00:48:03]It resonated with me and I remember to this day, >> but I didn't act on it immediately. It took a little more time for me to really for that really to resonate with me.

[00:48:13]>> Yes.

[00:48:14]>> And honor, for example, if I were in your shoes what your dad said to you.

[00:48:17]Well, and you know, it's interesting because like I was saying, I've done so many different things over the years to try to fight this disease and you know, random, you know, things. So now I I have so many things like in my little toolkit that I use, you know, maybe I heard something 20 years ago from somebody, but like I remember I didn't act on it then because I wasn't ready, but like God puts those little winks in your life. So like >> they're there and then now I am able to act on what he said to me.

[00:48:46]>> Yeah. and all the all the rehabs you went to. No, I I did the same I did the same thing. I went to a bunch of rehabs and it never worked. But I took something from each one and those all contributed to my sobriety. It wasn't a waste.

[00:49:01]>> Uhhuh. You know.

[00:49:02]>> Oh, right. Well, because like I just feel like, you know, people that don't understand it are like, "Okay, well, you know, you just need to go to rehab and you'll be fine." And I'm like, "Okay, it's not like that. It's not like that."

[00:49:13]Like, yeah, I wish that was the answer.

[00:49:15]That would be really easy.

[00:49:16]>> And some people do have great success with that, you know, and and but I believe everyone, >> you know, their addiction is different, so their recoveryy's got to be >> Yes.

[00:49:25]>> Yeah.

[00:49:25]>> Agreed.

[00:49:26]>> Yeah.

[00:49:26]>> Okay. So let's let's go to like the last six months >> and then he died and you know then we kind of get through co just >> on and off drinking you know just kind of like in this same vicious cycle of you know doing good not doing good sober not sober depressed anxious fighting with my husband chaos and um so then this would have been like two about this time two years ago just like I just was like openly drinking I didn't even care at this point um like drinking in front of my hus like husband some um just not feeling good. Like at this point I'm like, "Ooh, like I look bad, I feel bad, I'm really sick, I'm really anxious, I'm really depressed." My whole body hurt.

[00:50:08]Like I was in like inflammation, just all this stuff. Um and I had like gone, we were down at the beach and I was just like drinking and then I decided that was a good time to come off my Lexapro.

[00:50:23]Like I ran out. I was like, "Oh, I was going to come off of that anyway and then I'm going to quit drinking, you know, like I had this whole plan and just just lying to myself and just feeling really just terrible." And at this point, I'm drinking all day long.

[00:50:35]Like I'm having to manage and like I'm on the White Claws, like 12 white claws like throughout the day just to like keep the shakes at bay, like very ill, very unhappy, not enjoying this. Um, and then my daughter was going to start this new school. It was August and had a a big day at the pool, >> one of those.

[00:51:00]>> And um I just woke up that next morning and um you know that feeling I mean I've had it a thousand times of just of like cloaked in shame and guilt and paranoia and hatred and fear.

[00:51:18]>> Had you blacked out >> at the pool? Okay. So it's like what the [ __ ] did I do yesterday?

[00:51:22]>> Yeah. like um yeah, but I, you know, been on this binge, you know, but um and so I just called my mom and well, first I called this friend of mine that um is sober and like works for this detox center and he and I have been talking for a few years cuz we party together in college and he's like, "I'm here when you're ready. I'm here when you're ready." Because I would call him drunk like, "Oh my god, I'm so miserable." And he'd be like, "Okay." Um so I called him and I'm like, "Okay, I need" and he's like, "All right, come on.

[00:51:53]get on the plane, like come on. And I was like, all right, let me get my stuff together. I'll get there tomorrow. So, I call my mom and I'm like, I need to go to this place and I need like $7,000.

[00:52:01]And she's like, well, yeah, you know, just wait till we start school and like, you know, get organ, you know. And I'm like, no, if I don't go tomorrow, I'm going to die.

[00:52:12]>> And I meant it. I I really did. I I said, "Mom, this isn't like I'm going to a spa where I can wait a week. Like, I need to go. I need to go right now." And um she's like, "All right." And then I got the airline ticket and I called my husband and I just said, "I'll be back in seven days." And he was I think he like was like he believed me because I showed him the airline ticket cuz I used to say this all the time like, "Oh my god, I'm just going to leave. I'm going to leave and go to rehab. I'll be back." You know, like I because but we we didn't know what to do. And I was like didn't even know if this was work would work. But I knew like I had to get the heck out of there and I needed to get out of the house and I needed to get to a hospital and I needed to get sober and I didn't know what was going to happen. And so I took one of my daughter's Stanley cups and filled it up with a big old White Claw and called an Uber and went to the airport and haven't had a drink since.

[00:53:04]>> That was this time sober.

[00:53:07]>> Wow. That was your last drink? The Stanley?

[00:53:09]>> Yeah.

[00:53:10]>> Okay. So you go >> So I get there detox.

[00:53:13]>> Yep. Mhm.

[00:53:14]>> And you stayed there for what? 7 days or so. Did you go to an inatient after that?

[00:53:18]>> No. No. And I told them I was like, I know how this works. Y'all going to try to get me to go to 30-day and all this.

[00:53:24]Like, I've been through this. I'm very educated. I want this out of my body and I'm going home and starting my new life.

[00:53:31]And I did, >> but it was different this time.

[00:53:34]>> Yes. So, when we talk about the mental obsession, that went away. God took it away by the grace of him. So, I met the place. I'm there for like two or three days and you know they I I didn't really even have to detox like I was like working out and like doing the pelaton and like doing all the classes like the first day like I didn't have like bad >> surprisingly. Um >> isn't it crazy my detox this last I was doing opiates. I was doing tons of opiates.

[00:54:05]>> My detox wasn't as bad as the ones before. It's very weird how that h I've heard many people say the time that they got clean and sober, >> their detox and withdrawals were not as bad, but they've gone through hell before in the past. It's weird.

[00:54:20]>> Um anyway, so I was there and maybe this is like night three or four and I woke up in the middle of the night like something was wrong with my body. Like I couldn't feel my legs and all this weird stuff. So I like got out of the bed and like crawled to like my door because they didn't have those like you know emergency things because it was like a re it wasn't like a real hospital. I'm like right by the nurs's thing and I'm like I don't feel right. Just kind of like weird and tingly and so you know by law she's like I got to call an ambulance just >> these guys come in and check my vitals and they're like you know we think you're okay but they wanted me to go to the ER and so then at this point I'm like oh my god I'm gonna die. So they wheel me out like the gurnie and I'm in the back of this ambulance in North Carolina at like 2 in the morning. Like nobody knows where I am and I'm just like I mean this I'm going to die here.

[00:55:10]Like this is it. I have finally done it.

[00:55:13]Like this alcohol is finally going to do this to me >> and something happened like they give you you know something and I kind of like passed out. So then they're like oh no we have to take you to wake for us medical or something. So, I just remember being back there in that triage and like just like hearing people like screaming, dying, sick, and you know, this guy comes up, this doctor, and you know, oh, you flew the other day. You may have blood clots, like leaves me. I'm just sitting there like not knowing what's going on. Well, it turned out like I had like low magnesium. So, it wasn't anything. But I think that was God's wakeup call. And I just laid there like pray praying and talking to my dad like, "God, please just I swear this time like get me home."

[00:55:55]>> Yeah.

[00:55:56]>> And I really like this is it.

[00:55:58]>> Um but I I I I say it's by the grace of God because the mental obsession was gone.

[00:56:07]>> And so I flew home like two days later and have not looked back.

[00:56:12]>> It's gone. What did you do differently this time coming home after a treatment facility that you didn't do in the past that made that difference to help you stay sober today?

[00:56:24]>> I mean, I think just getting honest like sharing with people. Um, and then really just like making that not not even a like yeah promise to myself, but like me wanting it like this wasn't because people were mad or worried or whatever.

[00:56:41]So, I think this time differently is me going, I don't ever want to feel that way again. I don't want to get sick from this. I don't want to die from this. And I have that choice, I think, is why it's different that like, yeah, I have this, but I'm choosing to fuel it. So, I think just knowing in my head like how sick I was. And this time it's different because I had made up my mind. Like I was telling you, like when I make up my mind to do something, it might take me 10 years, but then I do it.

[00:57:11]>> Oh god.

[00:57:11]>> Just like with the graduating early or moving to Charleston. So like once I make up my mind.

[00:57:16]>> Yeah.

[00:57:16]>> So like I knew and that's why my mom has always like stood by me because she's like I knew somewhere deep down you were going to beat this. I didn't know how or when. I did not know, but I knew. And I knew that. I knew that in my in that gut feeling that God gives you like this thing is bad for me and I'm going to deal with this but I don't know how or when but I will stop. So for some reason I say it's the grace of God this time >> my mind was made up and it was like he swooped in and ripped out all of that obsession cuz it's awesome.

[00:57:46]>> Yeah.

[00:57:46]>> Cuz I I couldn't go back to living like that. And this time letting go of the shame and the guilt. We just sat down as a family and said we're going to move forward. My husband's like, "We're a rear view. We're a windshield, not a rear view family, and we're going to start from scratch and move forward and not dwell in the past and not try to live in shame and guilt." And that's been amazing.

[00:58:11]>> Really quick, >> your husband.

[00:58:13]>> Yeah.

[00:58:14]>> The guy sounds like a warrior.

[00:58:16]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:58:17]>> He sounds like an amazing person.

[00:58:18]>> He is.

[00:58:19]>> Were there any times during your act of alcoholism where it potentially almost broke up the relationship? Yeah, for sure. Um, I mean, like I said, he would, you know, in the early days he drank, you know, socially.

[00:58:31]>> Never drank at home. He was, you know, fishing at the beach, out at the bar, golf course kind of drinker, but mine was hiding in the closet.

[00:58:37]>> Yeah.

[00:58:37]>> Um, >> he was very frustrated and, you know, he knew that I was an alcoholic, you know, when we got married. Um, so, you know, he, I guess, loved me enough to think, well, maybe this will get better, but it it didn't. It didn't. Um I think he believed in me and um you know there was a lot of things on both of our sides um you know that fueled my alcohol and and and just behavior that that happens with that. Um there I would say like 2023 he was kind like we weren't like separated but he kind of would live at the lake some um >> and we would just kind of keep our space um cuz I think he just didn't want to be around it if I was drinking and like you know and >> I think he got to the point we talk about it now because when we try to help other people it's just like you're kind of wasting your breath like he realized like yelling at me about it was just making me more like anxious and making me drink more. So like he he wasn't ready to like completely leave, but he was like she she's going to do what she's going to do. And luckily I figured it out.

[00:59:48]>> Yeah.

[00:59:48]>> Yeah. But a cool story about that is when he was up at the lake um he started chopping firewood to like get out his rage at me for my alcohol. And um he >> That's a healthy That's a healthy way to deal with anger. Good for him.

[01:00:03]>> So he and my nephew started a firewood delivery company.

[01:00:05]>> No way. um like kind of as a side thing and it's turned into a family business.

[01:00:09]So when I got back in August um he they had like had a website and like have all this wood and then so then I did the marketing and like the you know kind of sales stuff so I had like something to do kind of like a purpose.

[01:00:23]So, it kind of was like a cool like full circle story like um that. But yeah, he's definitely proud of me and and and you know, has stood by me and I think now, you know, is more understanding of the pain that I went through and that every time I said I was quitting, I I did mean it and that, you know, that I do feel a ton of shame and guilt for all those years and all the drama and all the crazy stuff that happened, but at the same time, like, I dwelled in that for so long and actually would like drink at it. Like I would drink at my drinking. Like I would hate myself so much that I would have to drink to cover up that pain and hatred.

[01:01:06]So um you know he's he's been he's been a rock.

[01:01:10]>> That's amazing. How is the relationship today with your daughter?

[01:01:14]>> It's really good. It's really good.

[01:01:16]>> Is she so proud of you?

[01:01:17]>> Yeah, she is. Um, >> does she know like >> Yeah, she knows. Um, you know, like she she knew, you know, about the drinking and and and it was very upsetting to her. Um, and it's and she looks exactly like me and like especially at that age. So when I was actively drinking, like having to watch her was like looking at myself watching my dad and then I would just have to like pour alcohol on that pain. So, um you know, she is good. Um I came back and I've told this story before, but we went to this concert and like a week after I got home and um with some other people like parents and stuff that they were drinking and we went to get a drink and she was Weezy was like, "You know, you can get a drink, mom." Because she saw like the other moms. So, I got a Red Bull or whatever. And um and I said wheezy I wish I said it doesn't work that way for me. It does not work that way for me. I can't just have one and I'm never going to drink again. And she said I trust you mom. And that was like awesome. Like that for me was like I want my child to look at me and trust what they see and feel safe. So that was huge. Um we don't talk about it a ton.

[01:02:38]Um, I did go on a podcast for recovery.com and like she didn't want to listen to it. Um, but like she hears me talking on the phone to my friends um about like alcohol or they're struggling and I have some girlfriends that she's close with and who also had addiction and um like she'll go out to lunch with them and be like, "Yeah, I mean, yeah, my mom's doing great. Like I'm so proud of her. Um, you know, and we were out somewhere with a bunch of people and you know, she's like talking about some other mom. She's like, "Oh, so and so's drunk." So, like she gets it and now I'm seeing it through her eyes and I'm like, "Oh, I'm so glad >> like that that's not me now." Um, >> you know, and and I worry for her because of the genetics and stuff, but you know, >> I got to put that in God's hands, but she will be educated and aware and I feel like we openly talk about it. Um, and we are able to we're we're at the point where we have good good laughs about a lot of it. And like I said, by the grace of God, nothing like horrible happened. Nobody was physically hurt or any jail time, but emotions emotionally there was damage and things like that.

[01:03:41]Um, >> so I I was very blessed that I got to come home to some stability. Um, but like even even without any big big issues, just like putting my life back together for a year and a half, it takes time. Yeah.

[01:03:54]>> But it it's a fun process. Yeah.

[01:03:56]>> Yeah.

[01:03:56]>> So, what are you up to now?

[01:03:57]>> So, um, just really feeling good, Kevin.

[01:04:01]Like I didn't know how sick I was. It's like I'm waking up like at 6:00 in the morning like I don't feel bad. Like my body doesn't hurt. I don't feel like shaky and anxietyridden and like I'm going to panic and just I'm I'm I feel a lot calmer. Um you know, one of the things I was going to say too is just like how when you start drinking at such a young age, it stunts your brain development. And like my maturity level, I mean, it still is. It was so low. Like like a 17-year-old. pill is.

[01:04:33]>> Yeah. Like trying Well, just like >> No, I get what you're saying.

[01:04:36]>> Like managing your emotions.

[01:04:38]>> You pick up when you get sober where you left off started drinking essentially.

[01:04:42]>> Part of me feels like I'm that fun 17-year-old that did not >> poison herself.

[01:04:49]>> Yeah. Same.

[01:04:50]>> So, I'm kind of getting to start over like I've been helping, you know, my husband with the firewood. Um I've been doing like some podcasts. I've been doing like some like content creation for brands. I'm like into exercising now. I help take care of my mom. Just keeping my days very busy. Um, and enjoying life and not just surviving it.

[01:05:10]>> Um, and like I talk on the phone to people that are dealing, you know, every day you find somebody, oh, my husband is dealing with that or my cousin, you know, so just like trying to help other people.

[01:05:20]>> It's amazing. Um, and really just trying to make up for like lost time of of of just, you know, lost time of just not being present. So, just trying to really enjoy life. Um, I feel like I I can handle things a lot better. Like I don't freak out the way I did. I can >> like stay more in the moment. Like alcohol took so much peace from me that I'm just kind of enjoying. you can sit with your feelings and your emotions and just kind of like trust that everything is going to be okay. And you know, I lived in such fear and somebody along the way, I didn't act on it then, told me and it was a counseling session I had recorded. She said, "Your life, you'll never be successful until you get alcohol out of your life, whether that's work, relationships, motherhood, blah blah blah." And then um and she said, "But the other thing is you the only thing you have to fear in life is your own drinking."

[01:06:16]>> And that has given me freedom because now I'm not Yeah. I mean, there's fears in life and you know, stuff happens, but I can live freely knowing like God's in control and I'm not adding an extra layer of danger.

[01:06:30]>> Of course. Of course. We >> I used to self-sabotage with drugs and alcohol. And we are, by the way, very talented >> people.

[01:06:40]When I was working, you were a little bit managing my drinking and my addiction and I'm also managing a full-time job.

[01:06:52]It's like two full-time jobs at once.

[01:06:55]You take away that and all your energy goes into whatever it is you're doing.

[01:06:59]>> We excel.

[01:07:00]>> I have accomplished more in a year and a half than I did in a decade. Mhm.

[01:07:06]>> Just and whether that be like work and career stuff or like handling things about the house or something I needed to do like for the family, things like that that you that you're not present enough to or or capable enough to take care of.

[01:07:20]And like I said, I mean, I spent so much time picking up the pieces of of the stuff that what I had done that now it's like I have a lot of time to do good things.

[01:07:30]>> Yeah. Well, I want to thank you for coming on. Oh, thank you, Kevin. I've loved being here. This is awesome.

[01:07:36]>> You're so welcome. I appreciate you coming on, sharing your message, helping other people.

[01:07:41]>> Absolutely.

[01:07:42]>> Um spreading the message of hope so that one other person can hear it.

[01:07:45]>> And and and that's like one thing that I you know, and everyone always says, "Oh, you know, if I can do it, anybody can."

[01:07:52]And I would like have these people that would say this in my life, and their lives were horrible, too, and they were great. you know, just take this the there's so much shame and guilt in it.

[01:08:02]And that's what I hate for people is, you know, >> this is a disease and you have to keep trying every single day. Like something will work for you if you keep trying.

[01:08:11]And so there is hope, but that I just pray that people will get that shame and that the shame and the guilt will will eat you up and and I hope that God takes that with the the addiction for people because that that feeling is it's not good.

[01:08:25]>> Yeah. Once you take the first step and you remove the substances from your life, then the healing begins. Like don't worry about the guilt and shame.

[01:08:31]You will address it through therapy, through whatever it is.

[01:08:34]>> Absolutely.

[01:08:35]>> And it will go away.

[01:08:36]>> Yeah. Absolutely.

[01:08:37]>> Thank you again.

[01:08:38]>> Thank you, Kevin.

[01:08:42]I just got to go.