Tips for helping your child transition to a teenager

[00:00:00]Well, there are parents who dread their children becoming teenagers, but the hormones and the emotions and the pushback may start before you expect it, but you can be prepared. Tammy Schamuhn is the co-founder of the Institute of Child Psychology and joining us this morning for a little bit of advice. So, when can kids start modeling this sort of transition and this behavior?

[00:00:19]>> Usually it's around 10 and it's a little earlier with girls. So, they mature, their brains mature about 2 years ahead of boys. So, right around you know, fourth, fifth grade, we start to see the eye rolling and the pushback and the "Why?" and the slamming of the doors and the cupboards and just really, really big feelings. They're very I call them very prickly >> Yes. Yes, and for many parents they're going to think, "Why is this happening now?" But if that is common, what should people be doing to prepare for this?

[00:00:46]>> Well, I I think we got to give these kids some grace. Honestly, what's happening is their brain is undergoing like a ton of changes. So, the limbic system, that's the emotional brain, is basically on fire all the time. Their thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, is undergoing all these changes and it's really behind.

[00:01:02]There's something called synaptic pruning. So, really their whole brain is going under this construction process, this pruning back to make it more specialized and this makes the emotional brain really sensitive and then we have these really intense emotional reactions, but these kiddos have the coping skills still of a child when they're at 10. So, I think we kind of forget that and so they need a little bit of grace that there's all these changes happening neurologically and it makes them moody and it makes them reactive and very sensitive to everything going on.

[00:01:32]>> Okay. So, as you're aware of this and what is happening for these kids, how do you balance, you know, being there for them, helping to support, but also having rules and being a parent still?

[00:01:43]>> Yeah. Well, at this age they they do need more autonomy. However, they still need boundaries. They still need They can't The house can't be ruled by disrespect.

[00:01:53]So, we want to, of course, give them grace and we don't want to add gasoline to the fire. Understand that with these kiddos, they still need to know who's in charge, but they also need us to be respectful to them and model that for them. So, we want to be warm, but we also need to be firm with them. So, if your teenager is giving you attitude, you're going to say to them like, "I see you're really upset right now, but in this house we don't use words like that."

[00:02:22]Big breath. "I want you to try that again." So, there's this warmth, but also this firm boundary that has to exist with them. And understand parenting them at this age is not the same as parenting a 6-year-old. They need chances for autonomy and then you don't get so much pushback. They need more choices. They need to be able to go out on their own. Um when you discipline them, you're going to ask them, you know, "You broke a rule and what do you think needs to happen?" So, giving them that little taste of adulthood, of responsibility, you're not going to get so much pushback, but I think a lot of parents are like, "My little boy or little girl is growing up and they're giving me this attitude."

[00:02:57]So, they they come down hard with the hammer and then they get more pushback.

[00:03:01]>> Now, really quickly on that topic, do you have any advice for people who will say, "Last week I was the world. I was the one who knew everything and now I feel like I know nothing in their eyes."

[00:03:12]Do you have anything to prepare emotionally the parent for that transition?

[00:03:16]>> Well, I think it's just knowing that they're they're going through this something called individuation where they're preparing to leave the nest. So, they have to form their own sense of identity and they have to have their own opinions and they have to start making their own decisions and that means pulling away.

[00:03:29]>> Yeah.

[00:03:30]>> And that's just part of the process. So, it's not the parent being a bad parent, it's not a parent parenting failure. It means that child's just going they're getting ready to be an adult. The brain's getting them ready to do that.

[00:03:39]So, parents take a big breath like you're not doing anything wrong. This is what needs to happen for them to grow up.

[00:03:45]>> It's a tough process, but it's a natural process and you certainly helped. Tammy, thanks so much for being here. Very very much appreciate the advice. You can learn more from Tammy and her team by visiting instituteofchildpsychology.com.

[00:03:57][music] It's time for us to take a break. We'll be right back.