A sexless marriage, defined as one with fewer than 10 instances of intimacy per year, creates profound psychological harm including emotional starvation, loss of self-worth, and potential infidelity risks. Research indicates 10-20% of married couples experience this, often stemming from unresolved resentment, poor communication, emotional neglect, and societal conditioning that teaches men to suppress their emotional needs. The key to survival involves developing discipline, maintaining moral integrity, seeking professional help, and understanding that pain can either build wisdom or bitterness depending on how one chooses to respond. Prevention requires proper vetting before marriage, discussing intimacy expectations early, and maintaining intentional connection through regular check-ins and addressing resentments immediately.
How I Survived A Six Year Sexless MarriageAdded:
I can't I can't do this anymore.
You win. You [ __ ] win.
You took everything from me. My pride, my youth, my dignity, my money, my kids, my God.
You stripped me down to nothing.
I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. Why should I care? I'm broken.
I'm [ __ ] broken.
I ran out of options.
You said forever I believe that [ __ ] Build my whole world and watch it split.
Calling your phone like a fool at 2 a.m.
Typing long messages I should have never sent. Red old text like they meant something. Still begging for pieces of something you didn't feel. Apologize for [ __ ] I didn't even do just to keep you close just to not lose you. You said I was insecure. Maybe you right. Started doubting my gut. Started losing the fight. Saw a red flag. Just couldn't accept it was true. So I lied to myself while you lied to. Kept asking why. Like it would bring you back. Like if I solve the puzzle it would fix the crack. But some questions don't heal they just mess with your pride. Every answer I chase, just follow me inside. Some questions don't save you.
They just break you inside.
I'm broken. I'm all inside.
>> I'm inside.
Walk around like I already died.
>> I already cried. ran out of tears that same damn night. Just go with motions with nothing inside.
I'm broken.
I'm hollow inside.
>> I'm broken.
>> The blood meant loyalty. The friends stay. When [ __ ] got heavy, they drifted away. Listening to rumors before they heard me. building whole stories about who I must be. Tried to explain, try to defend, watch eyes blaze over like that was the end. Every room I walked in felt cold as hell. Smile felt fake. I could damn well tell you protected my name, but it didn't matter. Integrity feels weak when your circle shatters. Stop speaking up. Stop telling my side. When nobody believes you, you shut down inside. Something in me started dying slow, not loud, not dramatic. Just letting it go.
I'm broke. I'm hollow inside.
>> Walking around like I already died.
>> I'm broken.
>> I already cried. Ran out of tears. That same damn night. Just go through.
inside.
I'm broken.
>> I'm broken.
>> I'm hollow inside.
>> I'm broken.
>> I'm all inside.
>> I'm broken.
>> I'm inside.
>> Pray till my voice went horse.
>> Pray till my knees went numb.
>> I'm laid everything at the altar.
>> Still nothing come.
I'm nothing.
>> Played in my case like a lawyer.
>> Laid down my proof. Said, "God, you see this sh is still no >> more."
>> Faster than your name, gave offerings and faith. Turned out what I wanted just to walk your way. Minister love to strangers. Told them you never fail.
Held the hands through storms while mine went through hell. Served with conviction, did it from the heart. But when I was breaking, you stayed silent in the dark. Cried till my chest went tight till my words ran dry. Said, "Father, protect me." Got no damn reply on my knees like, >> "What the hell is this?"
>> Trying to hold faith while >> losing my grip.
>> That broke me worse than betrayal or shame. Feeling abandoned after screaming your name.
>> Thought I earned protection after all that I gave. Wasn't that enough just to be saved? All I got back was silence every damn time.
>> Go to sleep stress. Every damn thought saying I'm less less of a man less than my best mirror. Don't lie. I don't recognize me.
This ain't no face. This is depression.
I'm broken. I'm broken.
I'm broken.
I'm broken.
I'm broken. I'm low inside. No dream to chase. No reason to try. I'm broken and stay low. When you lose it all, there's nowhere to go. Just go through motions. Nothing inside.
I'm broken.
>> I'm broken.
>> I'm all inside.
>> I'm broken.
>> I'm following inside.
>> I'm broken.
>> I'm all inside.
Alarm goes off.
Don't want to move.
Move. Anyway, open the laptop.
Send another resume.
Refresh.
Nothing.
Close it.
Sit there.
Bills still doom. Phone still quiet. Go to sleep. Loan.
Broken. I'm broken. I'm broken. I'm broken.
>> Warning, the following image and or content may be disturbing, offensive to some viewers. View discretion is strongly advised.
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>> About to set somebody free. Can you have a sexless marriage and thrive? No.
>> No.
>> No.
No.
Here's why.
You're going to create resentment in a relationship.
>> Yeah.
>> Um for men, I mean, that is a lot of how we're driven, right? And I know for ladies, maybe not so much. Um, but understand this. 1 Corinthians 7:55 says this, "Do not deprive one another except now depriving is speaking specifically of having sex. But do not deprive one another except with uh cons uh consent for a time and come together again."
Thank you, Jesus. Come together again and then again and then after that again. again.
All right. Says, "Come together again."
Catch this. So that Satan does not tempt you >> because of your lack of self-control.
Man, we've counseledled in our years of ministry.
People have said, "We ain't had sex in two, three years."
And understand this, you are setting yourself up for infidelity.
You're setting yourself up for infidelity. Why? Because scripture says that Satan is waiting for that kind of stuff to happen. He's waiting because he sees a weakness and a kink in the armor.
He sees an open door. And so, man, I would say you can't thrive and have a sexless marriage. But you also have to figure out why is that the case?
Lo, you [ __ ] Hey y'all, my moderator is a [ __ ] for real. And he know he is. This dude here.
What the hell?
This dude here, man. Talking about this [ __ ] starting to show crime in the rain and things. Bro, man, you you know my situation better than anybody, bro. You You know what I done been through. Damn it. Let me cry in the rain for a few seconds, man. cuz we we we f to teach tonight. All right. Damn.
This dude don't let me get away with nothing. Golly godamn.
>> God damn.
>> Damn, bro.
[ __ ] Oh, goodness gracious. But salute everybody. Welcome. Welcome to tonight's episode. Appreciate you tuning in to the stream. Um, this episode that we're going to talk about tonight, it was a requested episode. I was on another content creator channel. Um, his channel is called Trey the Truth Teller and I was on his I was on his um panel earlier and we was talking about sexist marriage. And so I began to tell everyone on the panel my experience of having a sexist marriage, but we didn't go into full details about it because Trey had to end his show early. All right. So I decided to go ahead and have the show over here. Now I couldn't have the show directly at the end of his show because I was out barbecuing. All right.
I was barbecuing um make sure my family's taken care of. You know, good old ribs, good old hamburger. You know what I mean? You you know how we doing Memorial Day. So make sure that was taken care of and wellfed. And so now we are here tonight so we can have this conversation. All right. So those of y'all who are new over here, welcome to the lounge. I am Urban. appreciate you tuning in to the stream. Now, my streams is, you know, kind of a little bit different from your normal streams that you see all the time. You know what I'm saying? So, over here where we have thoughtprovoking conversations, all right, over here we um we discuss topics over here and a lot of the topics we deal with is dealing with, you know, red pill, but it's not what you think it is.
Okay? It's not the red pill ideology where where a lot of people are accustomed to where it deals with pretty much um men going their own way or pickup artists, you know, different things like that. No, it actually deals with the true repill essence over here where we teaching them about the full philosophy of repill where we teaching men how to be men. uh we're teaching uh about different things that men need to watch out for if they decide to be in relationship with said type of women which what we call modern day women. All right. So um through everything we talk about over here is through you know my research and it's also through experience as well too you know. So this conversation is no different. This conversation is going to deal with not only my personal anecdotal experience but it's also going to be talking about a lot about research. In fact, throughout this conversation, I will be I will be um sharing some links with y'all, too, so you can go back and um reference everything that I'm talking about. All right, for your um personal educational purposes. All right, so without further ado, appreciate y'all.
Minister Misty, salute. Welcome to the lounge. I see you over there at Trade Channel. Welcome. Uh Nubian, what's so with it? Salute to you as well, too.
Salute to everybody who's watching the stream right now. Salute to everybody who's catching the replay of the stream as well, too. Salute to y'all. All right, so without further ado, let's go ahead and get into the conversation for tonight. All right, so the title of my stream is how I survive a six-year sexless marriage. Now, I want to be clear with y'all.
I was married for 11 years, but within the last six years of my marriage, I was dealing with a sexless marriage. Okay?
And so that's what we're going to talk about. I'm going to share with you my story of dealing with this. Okay?
Now, by me sharing my story, that doesn't mean that I'm telling you that, you know, you should either do what I do or whatever. I'm not telling you that.
All I'm doing is sharing with you my experience, my story, and I'm just going to give you my personal advice of how the way you can navigate that if you are a man who's either married or considering being married. How the way you can handle a sexless marriage, okay?
Same way how I did. Now, like I said, how the way I did it, it may not work for you. It may not be all the way for you. Some of it may be for you. You know what I'm saying? Some of it may not be for you. But I guarantee that the things that I will share with you tonight is going to give you um a lot of clarity.
Um it's going to be a lot of other things that going to be discussed as well to accountability everything and solutions cuz that's one thing that we do over here at the lounge is that we don't just talk [ __ ] over here.
Okay. We also hold each other accountable and we also discuss possible solutions where we can move forward.
Okay. So without further ado, let's go ahead and jump into this conversation for tonight. All right. U before we get into this, I I do want to share a clip with y'all real quick. Real quick so y'all could understand my opening point of view of this. Okay, so let's go ahead and jump into this. Let me share this real quick clip for you. All right, listen up.
>> As some of you guys may know, I am married, but me and my spouse are not physically intimate.
>> Dragonify Dragonfly, what's up with it, bro? I think and I'm just gonna break it down. I'm not we're it's not that we're never physically intimate. It's whenever he wants to and it's very it's not often like this year February he approached me. Now can I approach him? No, I cannot approach him.
Um at this point I'm tired of the rejection. So I just I just gave up. But last year before this year it was a year damn near a year had went by and then before that it was a year and a half.
So when I say we're not really physically intimate, we're not really physically intimate. Uh most of the time he sleeps on the couch. Some on some occasions he'll sleep in the bed. Um but we you know we really just don't interact with each other like that. With that being said, I haven't had any since February.
I've been assigning myself these missions and I've been succeeding in my missions, but they're not completely satisfactory.
and I don't know what to do because I have an option to go handle it, you know, and I I don't know because I struggle with the fact that I'm married.
I'm married and I I don't know and yet I don't know how to bring up the conversation because it typically has not gone so well in the past, you know, and and that was more so because there was a lot of emotional emotion still attached to it because it was like I was asking to open the marriage and or for I was asking for me to be able to step out because he was not wanting to be intimate with me. But opening it would mean he can get his.
And I feel like it's not fair that he could get his if the only reason I'm not getting mine is because he's not giving it to me. If that makes sense. I know that might sound crazy, but that's kind of just how the [ __ ] this is kind of how it was how it is. You know, I feel like he shouldn't be able to go get somebody because if he wanted to, then he could just sleep with me. And if he really just doesn't want to sleep with me anymore, then he could just tell me he doesn't want to sleep with me anymore.
And then it's like, okay, we need to do the divorce, right? Okay. So, that's kind of like where I'm at. Hold on.
Okay. So, with all that being said, I don't know if I go and get it. Is that me cheating? Cuz technically, yes. I mean, yes, I am married, but at the same time, since we don't do that for one another, is it like don't speak about it type [ __ ] So let's talk about it.
For 11 years, I live inside a marriage that slowly changed over time. Okay? And during the last six years of that marriage, the intimacy completely disappeared while the emotional distance kept growing behind closed doors. Okay?
It was no intimacy. It was no emotional consistency. It wasn't no peace at all.
Period.
And what's interesting about it, ladies and gentlemen, is that one thing I learned is this. I had learned that a sexless marriage is never just about sex. Okay.
When I'm um reflecting about it, right, I learned that a sexless marriage is also about lack of confidence.
It's about lack of emotional stability.
It's about lack of mental health. It's a lack of masculine identity, a lack of self-work, a lack of discipline, and sometimes even a relationship with God himself.
Now, y'all do understand that all of this um intimacy, sex, and all that is a spiritual thing. Okay? Not only it's a physical thing, but it's a spiritual thing as well, too.
So, on this episode tonight, on this episode, it is going to be personal because I'm going to once again share you my personal anidal experience with dealing with a sexless marriage. Okay?
Now, this whole entire thing is not dealing with theory, but this whole entire thing is ultimately dealing with survival. how the way I survived dealing with a sexless marriage for six years.
Now, I'm going to um talk to y'all about this. I'm going to talk about the uh the origins of sexless marriage. Okay?
Because I don't want to share my story with you without giving you a um how can I put this? Giving you a lesson behind it. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to be this type of content creator where I'm just ving out to you. You know what I mean?
and they're showing you my personal experience and it ain't no solutions, no nothing whatsoever.
Okay? So, my goal is that I want to educate you as well too. So, if you are in this type of situation, right, that you could possibly take something out of this where it can help you transition through this like how the way I did.
Okay.
Now, also I'm going to talk about the manipulation through the intimacy part too. All right. I'm going to talk about why many men stay silent including myself when I was dealing with this.
I'm going to talk about the emotional rejection that I have experienced. I'm also going to talk about the temptation.
I'm going to talk about was cheating an option and did I cheat in this marriage due to lack of sex.
One of the biggest thing that I'm going to talk about, and I talk about this all the time on this channel, is that I'mma reference about the red pill rage. Okay?
And then we're going to want to talk about the accountability part. We're going to talk about the prevention. And then finally, we're going to talk about how me becoming disciplined helped me survive without completely losing myself and losing my moral compass. Okay?
Because check this out, pain either builds wisdom, right? Once again, pain either builds wisdom or it builds bitterness.
But at the end of the day, it's your choice how the way you want it to be.
Either you're gonna um be like a coal that be forged and turn into a diamond out of this or you're going to become bitter and stay as a cold.
Choice is yours.
Now the marriage it lasts 11 years y'all but the final six years became very emotional and physically disconnected.
Okay. And I want you to understand that that distinction matters because sexless marriages usually do not happen overnight.
Okay?
They often happen through, you know, such as unresolved resentment, emotional withdrawal, stress, complacency, poor communication, and just suffering and silence.
Suffering and silence.
And that's what I was doing, my friends.
Suffering and silence.
I think it's unfair for me first of all to explain to you about this whole meaning of the word sexist marriage so we could understand this clearly. Okay.
Now let me define this for y'all. A sexist a sexist marriage is commonly defined by researchers and relationship expert as a marriage where intimacy occur few than 10 times per year.
Once again, it is intim intimacy that occurs fewer than 10 times per year.
But to be honest to y'all, this issue goes deeper than them numbers. All right? Because two people can technically have occasional sex. Okay?
Now, when I mean by occasional says, I'm talking about out of the blue just cuz you feel horny or whatever and it just happens that way. But even when it happens that way, all you're doing is satisfying your physical urges, but it's not actual intimacy that's tied in towards it.
Okay?
Now, once again, you can have occasional sex. It could be emotionally be disconnected. It could be emotionally unavailable and it could be broken as well too.
So when when I talk about this right when I talk about sexless marriage, I'm talking about the emotional starvation, the lack of desire, the loss of connection, the absence of intimacy, emotional neglect, you know what I mean? and the slow death of emotional closeness inside the relationship itself.
Now, most sexist marriages do not begin in the bedroom. It also begins with unresolved resentment, emotional neglect, poor communication, stress, ego with women, preferably hormonal changes.
a lack of attraction maintenance, meaning that at one point in time that person was attracted to you, but later on down the line they had lost their attraction for you.
Emotional immaturity, trauma, avoidance, and unresolved conflict, which this is a big one because this is what I was dealing with.
unresolved conflict that slowly poisons intimacy over time.
Because many couples spend preparing for weddings, but they never prepare for the maintenance of marriage itself.
Or I put it to y'all this way, they don't prepare for the responsibility of marriage itself.
The only time when a couple actually prepare for marriage is when they doing what?
Marriage counseling.
When they doing marriage counsel or pre-marital counseling, they do it when they are doing premarital counseling.
Right. Then the next time they start preparing for marriage is when they having conflict in their marriage.
Correct? Then that's when they go into actual marriage counseling.
So them the only two times that it happened. So within that whole entire time frame, both the husband and the wife is pretty much winging it. They just letting everything go. They just kind of just learning each other as it goes.
Okay.
But sad part about it y'all is that nobody teach us that. Nobody teach us how to preserve the attraction.
until when it gets bad.
Nobody teach us how to communicate emotional needs.
Nobody teach us how to maintain intimacy during stressful seasons in marriage because Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. There are going to be times where your marriage is going to be stressful as hell. There's going to be times where your marriage is going to be chaotic as hell. But I want to let y'all know that this is healthy as long as it's not toxic. Okay?
You're going to have disagreements.
You're going to have times where you just don't want to be around each other.
And that is okay.
It's okay because at the end of the day, you're hermit.
But it happens.
It's going to be times um where you avoid becoming emotionally disconnected and you end up functioning as roommates instead of a husband and a wife.
And another part about that is that we um you don't get taught that at all per you don't get taught how to handle that situation where you be so emotionally disconnected where y'all end up just becoming roommates instead of actual husband and a wife.
I have experienced this and I have talked to other men who experienced this too where they literally be living in the same household but in two separate rooms.
She'll be in one room, he'll be in another room.
Then every so often they develop what is known as a situationship where they come together and he get his rocks off. she get her get her, you know, moment of pleasure and that be it.
But it don't be intimacy.
Then guess what? I talked about this before on this channel. Guess what that becomes? It becomes a transactional relationship.
Now, the truth is this. Sexist marriages are far more common than people think.
A matter of fact, I did research on this. Um, research consistently estimate that around roughly about 10 to 20% of married couples experience where researchers define as sexless marriage.
A matter of fact, um, I'm going to drop this link for y'all so y'all can check this out on your leisure time. All right? Because once again, you know, I don't want to be quoting stats but with y'all without sharing it with y'all.
So, you could want to go check that out on your leisure time about this survey.
Okay.
Um, let me let me go to the comments real quick. Let me go to comments. Once again, salute to everybody who's tuned in to the stream. I am sharing with you my story about surviving a six-year sexless marriage. Okay. So far I'm giving you the origins of a sexless marriage and I'm giving you the um not only the origins I'm giving you the pretty much an introduction of how the way sexless marriage operate. Okay so real real quick real quick uh we're going to go into comment section. Uh let's see talking about this have him stressed out. Yeah. Uh I thought it meant I thought it meant none at all to break down explains it with complexities. Got you. Uh, preserve the attraction. Uh, Mr. What's up with a salute? When that happens, they start thing and plotting.
That's very interesting. Very interesting to say that. All right.
So, I got another one clip that I want to share with y'all. All right. And we're going to dive deeper into this conversation.
>> Most marriages are sexless.
>> Most mar most men are in sexless marriages. Yeah.
>> So the the main one of the main reasons why he's in a relationship with this woman is to have sex with her, but she's withholding sex for compliance. So think about this.
>> You ladies would say, and I'm I'm speaking in general now, not all of you, right? But you ladies would say, "Well, my duties is contingent upon the man's duty, >> right? And if he doesn't do his duties, I'm going to have a fit. I'm going to have an attitude until he starts doing his duties. Until he does the things that I want him to do, until he does the things that makes me feel good. That's basically what you're saying.
>> I mean, I don't agree with Yeah, I know you don't agree with No, but let me lay my plane. Here's what I'm saying, right?
What I'm saying is very simple. Men, we actually are the real romantics. We stay in the relationship.
>> Yeah.
>> Think about it. What is it? Women initiate 70 to 80% of the divorces. I was wow.
>> Men aren't initiating divorces like that. If things aren't going your way, your panties get in a bunch and then you're looking for an escape route.
You're always looking for your next exit. The man, if things isn't going his way, if you have an attitude, if you withholding sex from him, he still stays committed to the woman.
>> So, let's talk about it.
Am I sexless marriage? Right.
One of the main things that my ex-wife was doing to me was that she was using intimacy as a form of control, as a form of manipulation.
Now, let me clarify this.
As long as I was in compliance with her, right? as long as I was doing things that she deemed as acceptable behavior that she was willing to have sex with me. Not because, keep in mind, not because she was actually attracted to me and and she desired me in that way, but she was using it once again as form of compliance and control.
And then when she do it, believe me, when she do it, it was almost as though you was watching a porno movie for real.
Because when she do it, she go all out and do it for real.
But once again, it was due to compliance and control.
And the thing about it, ladies and gentlemen, is this.
Women like this, and I'm not saying every woman operates like this, okay?
But women like this, when they do stuff like that, they do it to try to groom you into the man or the person that they want you to be. As long as you stay in compliance with that, right, then they have no issues. They'll do whatever. You know what I'm saying?
Now, I had stated earlier when I was on um Trader Truth Teller U panel, right? I stated earlier that she was weaponizing this on me and I was stating earlier that I was um doing this simply because, you know, hey, it it felt good. It is it is what it is, you know.
But eventually eventually when I um start going onto my path of really trying to find myself as a man, right?
That's when things change.
Let me clarify once again. when I was on Trey panel, right, I was explaining to y'all that when I got married to her, she was uh 7 years older than me and I was still young at the time. A matter of fact, when I got married to her, I was 23 years old and she was almost close to her uh early 30s. Okay.
She was also a single mother.
All right.
Yes, I know, brothers. I know. I know this dude here signed up for a terrible deal. This dude signed up to be a step crash dummy and everything. Yes, I know.
I know. I I know. I know. I KNOW.
GODAMN.
>> I know. I know.
But back then I was thinking that I was doing everything right.
Back then I was thinking I was doing everything correctly.
back then I was thinking that this was a part of me being a man.
I believe someone asked me a question too. They asked me the question about my um relationship with my father that I have a father figure in my life to help navigate these things. Okay, that the answer to the question is this. My father had passed away um back in 1999.
He, matter of fact, he had passed away a couple of days before I had graduated high school.
Now, throughout this time, my father really wasn't teaching me a whole lot about relationships or anything like that. My father main goal was making sure that I graduated high school and do all the things that I need to do to pretty much survive as a man. So, he was teaching me basic concepts. He was teaching me how to how to work tools. He was teaching me how to build things. He was teaching me how to put things together. He was teaching me how to do soft work on cars. He was teaching me how to drive. He was teaching me all these different things to survive as a man. But he never really sit down and really taught me the whole foundation truth about being a man, what it takes to be a man.
He didn't set no goals for me or anything like that. let alone he didn't teach me about dealing with women when he passed away. I had to learn all this on my own.
I had to learn it through through my peers and through through me learning right. I didn't know nothing about vetting out women.
I didn't know nothing about setting boundaries. All I knew of was go for what I desire and I want and that's what I did during that time when I was um in college and stuff. That's all I was doing. Um just going after what I wanted wasn't vetting or anything like that.
While I was in college uh I was working a part-time job too at a hotel.
worked the part job part-time job at the hotel and that's where I had met my ex-wife at now she started talking to me first because I to be honest with you I I wasn't really attracted to her at all period now don't get me wrong she's not a unattractive woman she's a beautiful woman but I was just wasn't attracted to her at that But she was attracted to me and so she the one who was pursuing me even when I rejected her even when I literally got her number and put her into the friend zone like hey I don't you know I mean you be in the friend zone. Yes I put her in the friend zone and everything and she hung on in the friend zone for a very long time until one day she made her move. She made her move. Then next thing you know congratulations win ass relationship.
later on down the line. Congratulations.
I'm married to this woman.
Now, through through this brief story that I'm telling you about, I'm not going to sit up here and just only blame her, okay? Because at the end of the day, I the one who made the choice to be with her. I the one who decided to give her my number even though I knew I wasn't interested in her. I the one who decided to put her in the friend zone instead of setting boundaries.
I the one who let that happen.
Okay.
And so through this whole transaction, right, I start seeing signs about her.
I start seeing signs.
I start seeing signs that she was manipulative.
I start seeing signs that she was controlling.
I started seeing signs that even I spirituality wasn't in alignment with each other.
But guess what I did?
I know them because in in my mindset I believe that eventually things will be better that we'll adapt to each other because I in my mindset I'm thinking that that's love you know that's what we're supposed to do cuz when you love each other right unconditionally right that we were aligned with each other we end up adapting towards each other but that didn't That didn't happen.
That did not happen.
Yes. Absolutely. I not the red flags.
Absolutely. That is true.
That is true.
Now I believe that if I had that guidance, if I had that mentorship, especially dealing with relationships where I had men teaching me about the whole foundations of women and teach me the whole foundations of me being a man and being about my purpose, I believe that I would have made better choices.
But since I didn't have that, then that was the end result behind it by me making these horrible decisions.
So Chris Coulie, he was talking about this. He was talk basically talking about when intimacy becomes a tool for control. Okay.
Now, one of the hardest things for men to talk about publicly is when intimacy stops being a connection and it starts becoming about power, manipulation, compliance, and control. Okay.
Now once again in my situation that became part of my emotional reality that I experienced.
Sex was not simply absent. It was often weaponized.
Now once again like I stated to you earlier the whole intimacy became tied into compliance, emotional submission.
Um it also became a point where we would argue with each other, right? And I would just give in. I'll give in toward her um demands or whatever it is.
It also um became part of suppressing grievances as well too.
And then as a man just okay we we got ladies who are watching tonight, right?
One of the biggest thing that men mention about is peace. Okay, that is a huge thing for us is peace.
So, I'm just going to put y'all on game with this. Okay, when it comes to peace, right?
Many men will choose peace at the expense of honesty.
Now, I'm going say that again. Many men choose peace at the expense of honesty.
Okay. What's so with a salute?
And check this out. Any any time I attempted to express my frustrations, my concerns, my emotional needs or dissatisfaction.
Guess what happened? the conversation that's go left real quick.
And then what's interesting about this is that she would go back and use this narrative that many modern women would will use. Okay? When I say modern women, I'm talking about a certain archetype of women. I'm not talking about every woman, but I'm talking about a certain archetype of women, which I call modern women. Okay?
They would do this. They'll say, "Well, it is my body, my choice.
Since it's my body, I get to choose whether or not if I'm going to be intimate with you or not."
This is the reason why men, especially men or who's in the red pill space, manosphere space, right, they say that women control the assets of sex. We don't.
And the reason why and the reason for this is because we cannot force oursel upon a woman. We can't make a woman have sex with her. We can't make a woman be intimate with us.
Because if we attempt to do that, guess what she's going to do? She's going to exercise her legal rights to say that this man is um ging me. This man is participating in unconsual sex.
They utilize the legal system against us.
Take away our rights. Take away our freedom.
And these archetypal women know this, especially the one who I was previously in a relationship with. So she weaponized that.
Now I want to be clear on this because I mentioned about this my body my choice thing. All right let me be clear about this. Okay now every person absolutely has autonomy over their own bodies period.
So at the end of the day yes my body my choice but it's not just limited to towards women. I'mma say that is limited towards both men and women because a man could also exercise his body his choice as well too.
And I'm also going to say this and some of y'all may going to disagree me on this especially due to your spiritual beliefs, but I'm I'm just going to throw it out here. All right. I'mma say that no one is entitled to another person's body.
Once again, I'mma say that no one is entitled to another person's body.
Period.
But sometimes when we um have this conversation, right, it becomes complicated because um body autonomy becomes weaponized as a shield against accountability.
Okay?
It becomes a shell against accountability, uh, communication, emotional responsibility or honest discussions inside a marriage because I I do believe this. I do believe that marriage is supposed to involve mutual care, mutual effort, mutual emotional consideration, and mutual intimacy maintenance. Okay?
And sad part about it is that many men silently experience a dynamic where this emotion connection is withheld by women, affection is withheld by women, intimacy is withheld by women.
And while they they still have the um expectation for us to perform to them, am I lying about that?
They still have the expectation for us to perform with them. Performing our duties to provide, to protect, to sacrifice, to be a financial asset.
All in all, we have to suppress our frustrations.
I'm going let y'all know this.
I'mma let y'all know that that imbalance creates resentment.
It do. Ladies and gentlemen, shout out to everybody who's in the building right now. Appreciate you tuning in. Tonight, we are sharing my experience of me being in a six-year sexless marriage. Okay. And how I survived a six-year sexless marriage by popular demand. Okay. Appreciate y'all tuning in. U make sure you hit the thumbs up to support the channel. That lets YouTube know that you want more of this thoughtprovoking conversation. All right. Uh shout out to the super chat, by the way, too. I got a super chat from Mr. 718 says says this. He just throws it out there. $20. Keep cooking. Yeah, I added my own to that. Appreciate you.
Appreciate the super chat. Now, um, everybody else, I appreciate y'all tuning in as well, too. Now, if you're not sub up to this channel and you want to participate in this chat, you need to sub up to this channel, okay? Once you sub up, you got to wait at least five minutes. Okay? Then, after you wake your five minutes, then you can participate in this chat. Okay? We welcome open dialogue over here. Long as you're not u going against YouTube community guidelines and standards. Okay?
So you can say whatever you want to say over here. I promise you I'm not going to get upset or get offended because I didn't heard it all by me being a content creator. I didn't heard it all.
People talked about me every little possible way. So it don't matter to me.
You know, I didn't grew thick skin. So it is what it is. All right. So appreciate y'all tuning in. Let me uh get to some more of these comments as well too. I'm I I seen this one in particular. Six the great said this. The Bible says in a marriage each partner body belongs to the other and not themselves.
Now the thing about this is this.
I believe that in certain aspects of a relationship you need to have personal freedom. Okay.
What do I mean by that? What I mean is that the relationship shouldn't be um like a dictatorship.
It shouldn't be be like you're a u slave and a person's your slave master.
It should be freedom.
Once again, it should be freedom.
So that's why in particular in that Bible scripture, which I know what you're talking about in that particular Bible scripture, I believe that it needs to be defined further about what it is talking about.
But matter of fact, since we on this, let me go ahead and just pretty much describe it to you. Okay? In that particular Bible scripture, right? It is talking about the trustworthiness of each other. Okay?
Meaning that I trust her with my body and she trusts me with her body.
And guess what? Once again, it's dealing with the freedom of it. meaning that we're willfully or surrendering each other bodies to each other.
Okay? Versus it being a demand or a requirement that you got to do this. If you don't do this, then the end result is going to happen. Hence what we're talking about right now with dealing with a sexist marriage where I was telling y'all earlier about that where you make up all these requirements or boundaries and different things like that. And then and then if you don't fulfill these requirements or boundaries, guess what? Sex get cut off.
And it shouldn't be that way at our period.
It should be freedom, not resentment.
It should be freedom and not entitlement. Especially because the Bible said that because I didn't heard men say that as well too. I didn't heard men tell women that where they weaponize the Bible so women could perform sexual desires to them. The body says well the Bible said this so you got to be obedient to me woman.
No. Mm-m.
>> That's [ __ ] >> Mm-m.
No, sir.
No, sir.
All right. So, let's continue, y'all.
Let's continue.
Um, oh, um, by by the way, let me, um, let me share this research with y'all as well, too. Y'all gonna check it out on your leisure time. All right? Because once again, when whenever I give y'all one certain stats and stuff, right? I want y'all to go back and check it out.
You know what I'm saying? Because I don't want to be saying stuff without eat without no type of data to back it up. Okay? So, y'all can check that out.
I got it posted in the chat right now.
All right? And not everything I'm posting to y'all is peer review. Okay?
All right. I'm not just posting some Wikipedia stuff and different things like that. I'm posting straight peerreview stuff. All right? So, y'all can check check that out on your leisure time. Okay? And also also what I normally do is that uh on my video descriptions, I have all my research in my video descriptions. Okay? Where you go back and you want to check that out on your personal time. All right?
All right. So, let's matter of fact, let's get into the this research part about this and we're going to dive deeper into this. All right. So, um, let me share this. There's a difference between demanding ownership over someone's body and disgusting emotional neglect inside a committed marriage. Okay, those are not the same thing like I was explaining to you earlier. And many men quietly live through this exact emotional contradiction.
Okay.
Sad part about it is that this raises a serious question I want the audience to think about tonight. Okay. And this question is this.
How many men are silently experiencing this right now?
Once again, how many men are experiencing this right now?
experiencing what we're talking about right now, a sexless marriage.
How many men are stopped speaking?
How many men have stopped expressing himself?
How many men are feeling less desired?
How many men are feeling unemotionally safe?
And then the crazy part about it is they're feeling this way while still required to expect to carry the weight of the relationship.
And how many of those men are suffering quietly because they fear being mocked?
They fear being dismissed, shamed, or even called weak for even talking about it.
And yes, all these things have happened to me.
Got another video. Y'all, >> a lot of men go through this and don't even [ __ ] know it.
>> Physically attracted to each other.
>> 100%. I am 100%. Like I tell her every single day >> like I'm just a bit behind and slower.
Like >> So you are physically attracted to Devoni?
>> I think he's an attractive man. Yes.
>> No.
>> Oh, >> don't think Julia Roof is answering the question. He's not.
>> Are you physically attracted to your husband?
>> Yes. I mean you are attractive. Yes.
Yes, I'm physically.
>> Are you physically attracted to your husband?
>> I'm getting there. I'm on the part.
>> So, you saying at this stage you're not physically attracted to your husband?
>> Okay. I do applaud her for trying to be nice and respectful and not hurt her husband's feelings on live TV. Just imagine you being so in love with your wife, doing everything for her, having sex with her, and thinking, "Yeah, she feels the same." Energy is being reciprocated. And the answer is, "Fuck no, she don't. She's trying to find ways to leave that relationship, and you're trying to find ways to make her even happier. But you can't because she doesn't feel the same." Yes, I know an argument might be, "But men can do the same thing, too." I get it. Yeah, they can. But what man is turning down sex from his wife unless he's tired or has erectiles dysfunction? Most of the time they tearing that ass up. But when a woman is unattracted to her husband, that's going to show. But y'all wonder why I say this and you want to get married.
Pack it up.
So let's talk about it.
Since we have uh ladies in the chat right now, I want to ask the ladies this question. And uh what would be the reason?
What would be the reason for you to be in a relationship with a man that you're not attractive to?
Once again, what would be the reason for you to be in a relationship with a man that you're not attractive to?
And and I'm positive for a reason.
What would be what would be that reason ladies?
Now I can um I can share with you my theories behind this. Okay.
I want to share with you that I believe that some women get into these relationships out of need.
They need for a man to ultimately take care of them. Now, keep in mind, these are the same archetype of women who believes that they're strong and independent, right?
These are the same ones who said that they really don't need a man in their life. But however, when the girls of the world start dealing with them, right? When they start dealing with the reality that they have to take care of themsel by themsel, right? Where they have to cook to take care of themsel.
They have to clean.
They have to do their own laundry.
And the biggest part is that they have to work to take care of themsel.
Now, if this woman is on a certain type of social bracket, right, financially, that she's going to struggle. And the reason why they struggle is because ideally many modern women they live a false sense of reality. Meaning that they want a certain type of lifestyle.
And this what they typically do. They want this certain type of lifestyle. So they start living this false fantasy of this lifestyle.
Give you example. a woman who makes roughly about 40,000 a year, right?
She want to live a lifestyle where she's um living like she's a millionaire.
She want to drive around the latest model of a Mercedes-Benz and roughly don't cost average to about 80,000 to 100,000 depending on the model and make that you get in Europe.
She don't want to live in um just a regular apartment.
She want to live in a luxury apartment.
And a one-bedroom these days, depending on where you where you're living at, right? Uh a onebedroom will roughly run you about $2,000 a month.
And that's the low end.
Now, not to mention about insurance, right? You got to want to insure your car, right?
um for a single person with insurance is roughly around about $300 unless you pay the full premium up early.
You got to want to get gas. You got to want to have vehicle maintenance.
Some women would do this. Some women they say, "Forget the luxury apartment.
I just want to get a house." So they'll get a house. But instead of them getting a house within their bracket range, right? They want to get a house that's about a h 100,000. Well, actually more than $100,000. They'll get a house up to about a million dollars knowing good and down where they is on a 40 $40,000 annually salary.
They want to want to go out and take these trips as well too. Instead of them uh travel domestically, right? They want to tra take these trips internationally all the time.
And on the average just for one person, a single person to go out and take a trip internationally, right? It range the medium range ranges about close to about $5,000 to take this trip comfortably.
Hell, through um gas prices now planes are probably more than that now.
So, they want to do all these different things. And in reality, when they figure out that they can't do it, or when they do do it, it put them in a financial strain or a financial burden. Guess what? That's when they start saying that they want a man. They need a what they call a partner.
They need a partner so they could live the lifestyle that they want to live.
And guess what? These archetypal women do, they use predatory behavior to find a certain archetype of men who will comply with their supply and demand.
Am I lying?
So they'll find an archetype of man.
They will even invest into a potential meaning that if they see a man who's potentially can be there then they'll invest into their men as well too. This what happened to me because when I was like I told y'all earlier when I was on when I was out of high school and I was in college and stuff, right? I was doing all these things. I was going to college. I was doing all these different things and stuff, right? So she seen the potential in me and she in she figured that she can invest into that.
Now keep in mind just like I stated earlier she the one who was seeking after me not me seeking after her.
And it became a predatory behavior.
And a lot of modern women have the same mentality where they seek after these certain archetype of men. They'll seek him out, they'll find them, they'll manipulate them, and then that's when they enter into these relationships where they really not attracted to this dude only because this dude can help them.
Only when this dude can help them.
He can help them financially. He could help them to treat achieve their dreams or going out and traveling and getting a certain type of house or even helping them pay for a house that they already have.
Help them pay for their car, their insurance and stuff. Hell, some of some of them on credit be bad as hell cuz keep in mind elsewhere too these same archetypal women that I mentioned about too, they're already in in debt. And you want to know how they in debt? They're in debt through education, through student loans.
A lot of them didn't have the whole ideology of paying off their student loans uh as they was in in college.
So, they got all these all this debt accumulating stuff on top of the survival debt that I mentioned about earlier.
Credit is not good.
And so, yeah, they needed men just so they could live the certain lifestyle that they wanted to live.
Now, let's let's get to this other clip and we're going to dive deeper into this, y'all.
>> A good man is faithful to his wife. He provides for his family and he also takes care of his responsibilities at home. He does everything right. And yet his wife rejects him when he asks for sex. So he's confused and starving for the only the only way that he knows how to emotionally connect with his wife, which is through sex. And so people when he he complains people about sex they just trialize it to it's just sex. But one thing that they forget is that this man is grieving connection with his wife. He missed the desire that he's supposed to share with her and his place in the relationship.
>> Now let's let's talk about this. Okay.
Let's let's talk about u what it did to me mentally. All right.
Well, what it did to me mentally by being in a sexless marriage.
Now, I want y'all to understand that um long-term rejection changes a man psychologically.
Okay?
Especially when the rejection comes from the person who promised to love you. And that's what she did. She promised that she loved me. She loved me unconditionally. But in reality, she didn't. She just love me out of conditions. Okay.
Over time, I started questioning myself.
I started questioning my attractiveness.
I started questioning my work. Hell, I was even questioning my masculinity. Was I was even functioning as a man or not?
At this point, I was questioning my value and I was questioning whether I was emotionally failing somehow.
And don't don't don't get don't get it twisted.
I was doing my very best to try to compensate on this. I was doing my very best to try to give her everything, give her all of me while trying to figure out me at the same time.
But the um dangerous part is that many men never say these things out loud. You know what I'm saying? the things that I'm telling y'all right now, we actually internalize it.
You know, um when you start replaying conversations in your head, you tend to overanalyze it, but in a way where you overanalyze yourself.
And that's what I was doing.
I was wondering what change I was wondering am I undesirable?
Even though I knew I I was crazy crazy part about it is that prior before meeting her, right? I was I was a very very confident man.
Very confident.
I knew that in most cases when when I wanted to, I could literally just hold a conversation with a woman and I could literally get that woman because I had a certain type of aura about myself where I know how to hold a conversation. I also have a certain type of oral about myself where it has women curious about me. Okay? because I don't act like the normal archetype of men which a lot of women they're used to dealing with what is known as alpha males. Okay, alpha males are normally the ones who are aggressive. Sometimes I could be hyperaggressive as well too but I'm more of the archetype as known as a sigma male meaning that I'm a lone wolf meaning that I'm very particular.
I'm very calculative about when I do certain things. And believe me, when I do things, it has a purpose behind me doing it. Case of point, if I see a woman, I'm attracted to that woman. Best believe that I I already analyzed that woman and everything prior before me even talking to her, which by me doing that, that's how I raised my confident level all the way up.
But during that time during that marriage for the first time I start losing myself start second guessing myself start wondering if I'm desirable not only towards her but this does period was there something wrong with me.
Let me let me ask yall this question now. Why? Why does the person closest to you feel emotionally dist and I know this is like a personal question, right? But why does the person closest to you feel emotionally distanced? If you ever notice that, have y'all notice that in any of your relationships that you ever been in?
Some of y'all may be married right now.
Some of y'all may just been in a relationship. Some of y'all may been in a situationship. But have you ever noticed why does the person closest to you feel emotionally distant? Or have you ever just wonder that sorry because people underestimate how emotionally damaged um consistent rejection becomes over time.
Okay?
because it it can become very damaging psychologically and it's because intimacy is just not physical. Okay? Now, I know many men when they hear this, right? They always think about the physical first, but I'm going to be honest with y'all. It's not just physical for men. Now, physical is the initial attraction.
But deep down inside, we not only looking for the physical, we're looking for the connection. We really do be looking for the acceptance, the reassurance, the affection. We be looking for the desire.
We do be looking for the emotional safety. And you want to know how I know preferably about this emotional safety part, right?
Ladies, have you ever wondered why after when men have sex with you, right, or make love to you?
Have you ever wondered why men do what is known as pillow talk to you?
Have you ever wondered why why men do that? Why men just all of a sudden just open up to you like that?
The reason why they do that and this is across the board. The reason why men do that is because of the emotional safety.
What do I mean by that? At that particular moment, at that particular time after he has given his body to you willfully, right?
He feel that he can trust you.
He feel that he could trust you with anything.
So that's when he start pillow talking.
He start confessing about any old crazy thing at that point.
But that deals with the emotional safety. So yes, men, we do desire emotional safety as well too and emotional reciprocation as well too.
See Mr. 718, he you know what I'm talking about.
But yeah, we we that's the reason why we do what we do.
Now, everything I'm talking about, uh, let me share with you another research as well, too. All right, so y'all can go and research this on your leisure time.
All right, here we go. Here's another one.
Now, everything I just discussing is part of my research, okay? So, you can want to check that out.
Now those those of y'all who been following my channel right um you are aware of that I have created a framework okay the framework is known as the the R I'm sorry it's known as the AR DDDL framework okay once again it's the AR DDL framework and basically what it is talk about the awakening rage discernment discipline and leadership A matter of fact, uh let me um I'm going to share with you my framework wheel.
All right? So you can understand where I'm coming from on this. All right? So this is my framework that I have designed. Okay?
I designed this framework and this framework is preferably talking about the things that men go through.
Now I have revealed to you on another episode when I was talking about men how married men become blue pill right I revealed on the episode that on the first one of this framework right a lot of men will be in the awakening stage okay that start in the awakening stage and then from the awakening stage they go into number two which is the rage stage and unfortunately a lot of my brothers is still stuck in in the rage phase right now.
And I know I know because y'all be letting me know. Y'all be letting me know in my videos. Y'all be letting me know in my shorts that I post out to you. Hell, I'll be on some of the panels and I'll be listening on the on the panels and stuff and y'all be letting me know on the panels that y'all are stuck in the rage phase right now.
You haven't moved past that yet.
Okay.
But it's my goal is to get you past the rage phase and get you to number three, the discernment. Then number four, the discipline. Then finally, number five, the leadership.
Okay.
Why we talking about this, right? Um, let's ask this question. Why many men don't speak up? A matter of fact, um me in this sexless marriage, right? Why I just didn't speak up about it?
Why I didn't express myself clearly?
Why I didn't stand up to stand up for myself and and really express how the way I felt?
Why did I do that?
The truth is this.
Many men actually do speak up initially.
They really do. They speak up by first of all communicating, right?
But we already know what happens through the communication part. When we start to communicate, guess what happened?
That woman end up start gaslighting the situation.
She start manipulating the situation to make it seem like that you're the problem and she's not.
And then what's interesting about it is that once she start doing these things, right? You as a man, you love her, you're connected to her, right? You end up entering into a form of a Stockholm syndrome where you just accept it. You know that it's wrong, but you just accept it as your immediate reality.
So we do we we try to communicate, we try reconnection, we ask questions, we initiate the the intimacy as much as possible. We really do. We really try.
We try becoming more patient.
We try changing our behavior because we start thinking that there's something wrong with us.
We even try counseling as well too.
marital counseling.
We even try compromising as well too.
But after the repeated rejections, the repeated dismissals, the repeated defensiveness, the avoidance, right?
The emotional memorization.
Many men just eventually stopped speaking.
And that's what happened to me. I eventually just stopped speaking cuz I just got tired of it.
And it's not because um we don't care, but it's because we had enter into a place of hopelessness.
And then when you enter into that place of hopelessness, right?
It becomes less effort.
It's like you don't want you don't want to do it no more. You don't have the desire to do it anymore.
Interesting about this that a lot of men are conditioned to believe their emotional needs are secondary. And I'mma say that again because this is god honest truth. A lot of men are conditioned to believe that their emotional needs are secondary.
You want to know? Y'all want to know the reason why?
Here's the reason why. The reason why is because society society teach men that we got to man up.
Society also teaches men that we got to stop complaining.
If you complain, then then you're being a [ __ ] You're being gay. You're being sassy.
Society teaches a man that sex isn't everything.
Society also teaches man that we got to handle everything that we go through quietly and in silence.
And here's the biggest one right here.
Society teaches men that happy wife equals happy life.
So guess what?
Many men begin suppressing their emotional pain instead of expressing it.
And the ladies who are watching this show right now, this is the reason why men do not open up to you. That's what y'all say, right? Why you don't open up to me?
Why you don't express to me how you feel? This is the reason why.
Because when we do do it right, we're penalized for it.
We're penalized for it.
And then you weaponize your body to state your grievances over it.
Put us in the dog house.
all because how the way I'm feeling hurt your feelings instead of understanding instead of pretty much listening to understand so we could meet dead sinners so we could figure this out so we could use conflict resolution effectively instead of us doing that it becomes more about you.
When it becomes like that, that resembles narcissistic behavior was more about you than the other person. Preferably in this situation is more about you than your man.
So that's the reason why men don't express. That's why men shut down or as I call it having an emotional shutdown.
Did that happen to me? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Crazy point about is that the silent became extremely dangerous y'all because once a man emotionally disconnect inside the marriage.
The marriage is no longer a relationship but it becomes survival mode.
It becomes where we're partners now. And this is the one of the main reasons why I cringe when I hear women and men say that they're looking for a partner instead of a actual covenant instead of a actual union. I cringe every single time I hear both men and women say this.
I'm looking for my partner.
My partner. No. That's [ __ ] >> That's [ __ ] Because a true marriage is not just a partner or partnership.
Because when I hear partner, I hear survival mode automatically.
I hear as long as this person is conveniently there for you, then it's going to work. But that is not no marriage.
That is not how a true marriage works.
Let me go ahead and share with y'all um other data for you. Okay? And you go and check this out. All right? Dropping it right now in the chat. Appreciate everybody tuning in to the stream. I hope everything I'm sharing with you about my experience dealing with this.
It it's not just a woman bashing thing cuz sometimes son when people come over here especially new people come over here to the lounge they just have this weird thing thinking that I be bashing women when I really don't. I really don't.
So hopefully this thing is giving y'all uh some ideology about what's going on.
Okay.
Did I put Yeah, I posted it. Let me uh let me go ahead and share another video with y'all. All right. The number one reason why men stay in a sexless marriage or relationship. Hey, it's Brett Parker. I help men and women with relationships. If you're having little to no sex in your marriage or relationship, first and foremost, that's a giant freaking 911 warning. Your your marriage or relationship is on the brink. This is true for everyone except for these two types of couples. Number one, you're just not interested in sex.
You have a low libido and so does your husband or wife. Fine. This is not for you. Number two, you are a self-described and your partner is a self-described asexual. If you're asexual, you're not really interested in sex either. So, this is not for you. But if you are interested in sex and intimacy and closeness with your partner and you're not having any or little sex, here's the thing. The man, your husband, your boyfriend is there because he thinks it's temporary. He thinks it's going to get better. The problem is is that it doesn't get better magically by its own. It only gets better if you work at it. And how do you work at it? By going to counseling? No. Counseling is a waste of time. 15% of couples that go to counseling save their marriage. That's the lowest of that's the lowest success rate of any therapy there is. So, you have to work on it separately. Like, if you're a woman, you don't have to work on it with your husband. You can work on it on your own. That's what I do. That's what I help people do. If you're a man, men come to me every day. Hey, my wife has gone cold. She's treating me like a roommate, like a friend, and she said she's not in love with me anymore. What can I do? Can I get it back? Yes, you can get it back, but you have to work at it. So, if your man, if your husband, your boyfriend is one part of this group that believes it's just temporary or if you believe it's just temporary, it's not. It's it's the death now for your relationship unless you do something.
So, let's go.
So, one of the u main takeaways that I want y'all to get, okay, is this?
Should we do something about it?
What is a option?
What can we undo about this? What can we do about being in a sexless marriage?
Okay, before I get there, he mentioned something else that I want to bring to y'all attention. All right, he mentioned about counseling. Okay, preferably marriage counseling.
Now, I had shared this briefly on um Trey the Truth Taylor channel, right?
But I'm going want to share this with y'all as well too.
My experience once again, my experience of dealing with marriage counseling is this. Typically marriage counselor Lyn favors the woman.
It don't matter what the woman did unless she did something extreme.
But typically marriage counseling favors the woman. Now my um experience son I have um I went to um mer counseling through the church that was attending.
And so through the church that was attending the um uh it was both the pastor and a wife and they both was counseling us together.
They listen to my grievance, they listen to her grievance.
And guess what this man told me?
This man had told me that regardless of what was going on, regardless of how I was expressing myself, how the way I was feeling, he told me that I needed to man up.
I needed to man up.
I needed to go and um pray to God and give me wisdom.
And then he told me that I need to listen to my ex-wife desires and fulfill them.
And he said the reason why is because that is the duty of the man to fulfill them.
And then he has shared with me uh 1 Corinthians chapter 13.
He shared with me 1 Corinthians chapter 13. Those of y'all who are Christians, you probably are very familiar with that um chapter, okay?
But I'm going to sum it up to you. First Corinthians chapter 13 talks about love.
Okay? It talks about how love is patient, how love is kind, how love is longsuffering, and all these different things. You know what I'm saying? And one particular point that he kept reemphasizing over and over again, he kept reemphasizing this. He said, um, when I was a child, I spoke as a child.
I understood as a child and I did childish things, but when I became a man, I put away these childish things.
So, he was referencing that with my manhood, my masculinity. He was saying that all these things men are supposed to suffer in silence because that is the divine duty of the most high God because that's what he charged us to do.
So regardless of how I felt about the situation, that was the end all.
Regardless of what she was doing in the situation, that was the end all. And that was the final say.
And when I left there, I left there even more defeated.
I believe to be be honest with y'all when ladies, I believe at that particular moment before we um start going through our divorce phase, right?
I believe at that particular moment, that's when I first start experiencing my uh rip rage now that I think about it.
Because that was at that moment I want y'all to understand this too that I so my position on this is that at that church that I was I was the associate pastor of this church. Okay. So you had to pastor that I was associate pastor of this church and what she was doing she was sitting up here. Y'all y'all know how y'all do some Well, let me rephrase this. Y'all know how some women do, okay? where they be so vindictive where they literally will sabotage or slander who you are.
And that's what she was doing.
And it became so bad that we had to have marriage counsel over it. It wasn't something that um in that particular time it wasn't something that I ideally wanted to do but it had to be done because now it was affecting the u the ministry.
So through all of that, through my um connections, right, with God, that's when I start feeling broken cuz at that point um I'm suffering in silence, right? I'm saying all these things going on. I'm in a sexist marriage and now I'm questioning God.
Now I'm questioning God to figure out why in the hell and I'm even doing this.
felt like, God, look, I'm sitting up here doing everything, man. I ain't lying to the best of my ability. Uh I didn't want I didn't went to seminary school.
I didn't been to a seminary school, right?
I studied the scripture. I do everything possible to establish a relationship not only with God, but with my fellow men as well, too. I did everything possible. I didn't preach. I didn't teach. I gave to the homeless everything everything possible in trying to be this type of orchet type of husband for this woman.
And you mean to tell me by going into this church, going into this ministry that everything that I'm feeling, I'm wrong?
[ __ ] >> That's [ __ ] >> And it did. It literally broke me for real. And just like I said, I believe that was the beginning of my red pure age right there. That's where it started because all these things was allowing to happen instead of being rectified.
Now, I was I was mentioning to y'all earlier about options.
Why didn't exercise no options um while being in a sexist marriage?
One of the biggest option is this was mentioned on trade the truth uh teller channel was this uh he uh he and other people was mentioning this they mentioned the option of cheating so let's talk about it now I know that what I'm getting ready to talk about right I know that this is one of these kind of uncomfortable conversations okay Bean what's up with it bro I know that this is one of these type of uncomfortable conversations. All right.
I know that when um someone experienced emotional and physical deprivation for years, right? Or being in a sexist marriage for years, the temptation becomes very real.
And I also believe that people need to stop pretending otherwise. Now, when I was on that panel, right, and discussing this briefly, I didn't want to let people know that I was never tempted to cheat or anything like that cuz definitely the opportunities were there.
I'm put y'all this way.
It is something about a man who is married that raises their attraction level to a thousand to single women.
I'mma say that again. It's something about a man who is married and it raises their attraction level to level 1000 to single women.
So yes, I had a lot a lot of opportunities where different type of women have approached me and they didn't give a damn well if I was married.
But guess what?
See, I have a um moral compass about myself, especially dealing with relationships, right?
I have a moral compass to where when I'm in a committed relationship, the only person I desire is only the person who I'm in a relationship with, and that's it. I don't desire nobody else regardless of the temptations out there.
I want y'all to understand that loneliness inside a marriage hits way differently than loneliness when you're single.
And I don't know if y'all got that, but once again, loneliness inside a marriage hits way differently, ladies and gentlemen, than loneliness while you're single.
And the reason why is because u when you're emotionally starving besides someone who is physically present but mostly unavailable, it does something to you.
It It really do.
Now, I'm going to be on transparent with y'all.
Did the thought came across my mind to want to cheat?
Absolutely it did. But that was only because of me being a man, me being human.
That was only because I was missing something. And I felt like if I wasn't getting it there, then I should get it somewhere else. That was my thought process behind it plus with the temptation.
But guess what? Within all of that, right, I still did not cheat. Period.
I didn't.
And the reason why I didn't cheat is because not because it was a lack of opportunity, not because I was weak like some of y'all negroes would say, but it's because of my moral compass.
I had a certain type of boundary for myself that I set for myself and it something that I will not break. Period.
I understood something important too and I hope y'all understand where I come from on this. All right.
I understood at this day and age, right?
Understood, especially not in this day and age, but at this time, I understood that cheating might temporarily satisfy an emotional, right?
But here's the but part.
It will permanently damage the character. Meaning that if I would have satisfied my desire to cheat, my character who the way I am will been permanently damaged without no repair.
Now I want y'all to understand this clearly.
When you um think about this, right, this life period, there's some things that y'all wasn't supposed to been doing and you chose to do it anyway and then it kind of mess you up for doing it. Like for example, some of y'all have a history of drug addiction. Drug addiction could include alcohol or marijuana, whatever the case may be, right? you have a family history or we could call it a generation curse, a drug addiction and you know it's present there, right?
So instead of you developing your moral compass to say that no, I'm not going to do this. I'm going to break this generation curse. Guess what you do?
You let your pride and your ego get the better of you. You let your hyper emotional self get the better of you and next thing you know you end up being part of the same curse. Now you became addicted to drugs, to alcohol.
Hell, some of y'all um become addicted to um porn and different things like that, too.
Now, let me I I know I threw that out there, but let me explain this.
Now, I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to look at that. I'm saying that when it becomes a requirement for you to look look at it where you can't have without it, then yeah, that's an addiction.
Then it becomes a problem.
And that's what happened. We will literally sacrifice our own character to satisfy our pride and ego.
I'mma take it even deeper than this. Me being a influencer and a content creator, right? I have the ability to um not only have an audience, right, but I also have the ability to network with uh different creators and different influencers. where too and I have seen this.
I have seen even on social media itself contemporself where they literally sacrifice their character.
They sacrifice their character. has sacrificed their initial moral compass because of situations that happened to them on social media, on YouTube.
Sometimes they occur on panels where they literally sacrifice who they are instead of exercising stoicism. instead of exercising them being of good character and displaying it and won't compromise that no matter what happens.
This is why end up getting exercise.
If you go low then I'mma go lower.
Am I lying about that?
But anyway, I refused to become someone that I couldn't respect afterwards. Now, keep in mind, I said that I couldn't respect, not nobody else. I said that I could have become someone that I couldn't respect afterwards. I could have become someone that when I look at the mirror, I'm like, damn, where you at?
You're not the same person.
I want you to understand that that decision matters.
It matters spiritually. It matters morally. It matters emotionally. And it definitely matters psychologically as well too because discipline is not tested when life is easy. So once again, discipline is not tested when life is easy.
But discipline is tested when temptation becomes available. When you're being pushed, when you're being challenged.
I got another clip for y'all. And I'm going also share a resource as well too, y'all. And once again, I hope that this information I'm sharing with y'all, I'm giving y'all this content where you can just think about it. All right? I'm not saying everything I'm saying is 100% correct, but this is my personal anidotical experiences. Okay, back with research that I research on my own. All right, so we we got another clip. Let's go ahead and watch it. All right. Satan wants you to have as much sex as possible outside of marriage and as little as possible when you get married.
>> Wow, bro. Listen, the best way to celibacy is to get married. That's what people are saying. One of the reasons why is is that when you get married, it requires a different level of relationship skills that that you can't get away. You can't get away with the stuff you got away with when you was a boyfriend. And so, because I was unhealed, because I didn't know what emotional communication was, because I really didn't know how to speak into my wife's life. I didn't know how to create safe spaces. And for damn sure, I wasn't present. I didn't know how to be present. I'm thinking about what I need to accomplish at church. I just wanted to I wanted the yams. And then I wanted to go and do what I needed to do. I'm saying as a result of that, my wife was like, I don't like this person. And so she shut down on me sexually. And so I'm just like, I ain't going to cheat, but I ain't about to sit up here and be backed up either. And so one thing led to another and I got full on addicted to porn. I mean, people throw that word addiction out loosely. Anytime you having a behavior that is completely unmanageable and you don't have mastery over it, it has mastery over you. I would go preach places and I'm just like, well, I ain't go I ain't about to go get no escort, so let me just go ahead. You know what I'm saying? So, you also was justifying it as this is better than doing that at least.
>> It's anger and entitlement that push you pushes you to those self-medicating behaviors.
>> Now, let's talk about it, y'all.
Let's talk about it.
How should I go with this one?
Let's Let's Let's talk about this.
What I what I um notice about my brothers, right, is this. When I'm talking about my brothers, I'm talking about you brothers. You who are watching right now, you who are catching the replay, you who I interact with, you know, different things like that. I noticed this.
I noticed that many men become consumed.
Okay.
What I mean by this, when you enter into these sexless marriages, right, or sexless relationships, right, you're going to been consumed because you're trying to figure things out.
I want to also want y'all to understand this. Now, I stated earlier that my father had passed away when I was getting ready to graduate high school. Okay.
So, I never had that type of connection with my father. What he was teaching me about relationships, he was teaching me about women or anything like that.
So, I just kind of had to just figure this thing out on my own.
Okay? And I believe that a lot of my brothers who are listening right now, I believe that they most of them have had the same experience as me where you just kind of have to figure this thing out on your own. You have to wing it out.
What's even worse is this, and I'm not saying this in a very negative way towards women in particular, okay? But it's even worse when a woman becomes a single mother.
A single mother raising a manchild, meaning that you're a single mother and you're raising a boy to become a man.
Ladies, let's be honest with ourselves.
You are as a mother as a mother, you're just winging it as well too. You really don't understand the whole dynamics of a boy becoming a man. All you know of is the nurturing part, the things that you need to do to take care of your child as a mother, which is nothing wrong with that. You do what you have to do to take care of your responsibility, and there's nothing wrong with that.
But when it comes to the the point of really trying to figure out how to raise a boy and he becomes a man and all these different emotions that men go through, right? You really don't know.
It's uncharted territory for you. So guess what you do? Some of y'all would do this. Some of y'all will rely on other relatives to fulfill that gap for you.
Some of y'all will rely on other boyfriends that you feel that could fulfill that gap. Some of y'all, if you're a single mother, you end up um eventually becoming married and you have a stepfather and you rely on that the step father stepdaddy to fulfill that void for you.
But the bad part about this ladies is this.
When we're consumed by the things that we done dealt with, right? We're literally carrying that load. We're carrying that baggage. We don't know how to get rid of it because we haven't taught how to get rid of it. We haven't taught how to cope with it.
We haven't taught how to compartmentalize it.
So, we're carrying that into the the relationship.
We carry that into the relationship.
And then guess what?
That same relationship end up be a repeated cycle.
That's one thing that I learned before I get to my my main main seven because I'm just thinking about this now. That's one thing that I had to not only learn but I had to master prior before me enter into my new marriage is that I had to learn all these things that I'm telling you right now. I had to learn how to compartmentalize that. I had to learn to get rid of all that baggage so I won't be bringing that load, that baggage into my new marriage because guess what?
The type of woman that I have vetted out and approved that we are compatible with each other, right? I did not want to bring all that negative connotation to her because it would not be right. It would not be fair to her.
So, I had to figure all that out. But the the bad part about this is that a lot of my brothers have not figured that out yet.
So they just carry it.
We We do this thing too where we'll bury it inside of us.
We'll bury it inside of us. Right?
Then one day when that one little thing happened, right? Then that's when they'll manifesting itself all over again.
And it manifests itself all over again because once again, we bury it inside instead of dealing with it because we haven't been taught how to deal with it.
Now, I want y'all to understand that not dealing with it causes pain that slowly transform into this rage or this red pure rage that I've been talking about on this channel.
And what's interesting about it is that that real pure rage, it would feel justified because when I was in my red pure rage moment, it felt very justified. It did. It felt very justified. It felt normally justified.
It I'm not going to lie to you. It felt satisfying to me because in my mind um I knew I stayed loyal. I knew I sacrificed as much as I could. I know I kept trying and I know I endured.
But also in my mind, I'm still asking the question over and over again. Why am I emotionally starving?
And then that anger, that rage, it become addictive.
Hence what I see a lot of my brothers dealing with right now. It becomes addictive.
It feels good to come in on, you know, different content creators chats and talk about um women.
It feel good to hop on panels and degrade women.
It feel good and satisfying that you could literally just talk about women in a negative way.
But the thing about it is that it's not achieving nothing at all. you're you're not moving forward. It's counterproductive.
And sad part about it is this gentleman is that this is where many of my brothers permanently lose themsel because that red pill phase right becomes dangerous when awareness turn into bitterness instead of wisdom.
You know um when I want personally experiencing high this emotional pain can push men right.
It could push men towards hatred, cynicism. It could also uh push men towards emotional coldness.
It could push men towards manipulation, revenge and self-destruction.
Start thinking about that.
Start thinking about this rage phase where it becomes dangerous because unresolved pain is going to seek an outlet.
Case in point, what we do on social media, what we do on YouTube or wherever social media outlet that you want to use, we use that as an outlet to express our grievances because we couldn't do it while we was in a relationship or we was in that relationship and now that relationship is over and it's still unresolved issues that we never decide to deal with. We just buried it.
And what's worse about this is that many of my brothers never escape this red pure rage stage.
But I want y'all to understand this clearly that rage without discipline eventually destroys the men carrying it.
And I find that interesting because on my my moderator online he he mentioning about Captain America using rage right and what he's saying I do agree with.
Now, what he's referencing is this. If you use rage, right, but it's discipline, right? Where you using that was what was a focal point where you're in control of it, then that is totally different because at that point, that rage is transitioning into what is known as wisdom.
Okay?
Once again, that rage is transitioning into wisdom. It's transitioning to discipline. So case of point that character that he's mentioned by Captain America. Yes. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
But I had to unlearn this lesson on my own. I had to learn how to not only deal with my red page, but I had to learn how to discipline myself where it turns into wisdom.
And at some point I did realize this too y'all. I realized that by waiting for someone else to restore my peace was destroying me interesting, ain't it?
Because I stated earlier that men are looking for peace, right?
But however, we be uh I'm be honest with you um brothers, we be looking for peace in the wrong places. We be looking for peace within our women. But I believe that we should be finding peace within our women.
I believe that true peace need to be achieved within oursel first.
Once again, I believe that true peace need to be achieved within ourel first.
Then from there, that's when you enter into the vetting phase where you start vetting out that woman to make sure that she's in alignment of that peace that you have achieved within yourself.
If she's not in alignment with that, then you already know what you need to do.
That um the realization that I'm telling y'all about, right? It it changed everything about me for real. Now, this is after the the sexist part. This is after the divorce and all this stuff, right?
Um, I started realizing I started realizing that I stopped obsessing over validation and I stopped emotionally drowning myself in rejection.
I stop begging for connection and I start redirecting this towards being disciplined.
I start redirecting this towards purpose, towards health, towards uh having me having emotional control, me developing my leadership, me reflecting and me rebuilding myself mentally.
And this is what is known as being disciplined.
And we can want to say this, we can say this as well too, that some of this stuff actually began to manifest and happen while I was set in the final stages of on of my marriage where I had to do this because if I didn't learn this right, if I didn't learn how to do this, then I I ain't going to lie to y'all. I I probably would have made some very bad decisions.
very very bad decision that's probably ended in violence ended in me crashing out. And the sad part about it is that a lot of my brothers have already made this decision and they crashed out and end up doing some things that changed their life.
Y'all done seen it here. Y'all done watch reports on YouTube. you watch on the news where a dude end up on live and on himself, but the woman that he um love or care about his baby mama or his wife or whatever stuff because he was in a sexless marriage and he just said enough is enough. He end up crashing out and unaling everybody.
But but thing about is that that reality exists.
Now, I'm not condoning the behavior. I'm not condoning the reality at our period because I don't agree with it. But, however, I can understand how you could be pushed to that point. Because I want y'all to understand this from a different perspective. Okay? I want y'all to understand that sometimes when a person can't find what they're looking for, right?
They trying to find an outlet, right?
They believe that the only outlet is for them to end their life.
They believe the only move that they can make is to unal alive themsel and the other people who's involved because this circles back around to this false sense of peace that men are trying to achieve.
And so they exercise that It's a sad story, but it's a reality.
Pain teaches wisdom.
Men, once again, on pain, it teaches wisdom.
At least that's what it's supposed to do.
If it's not teaching you wisdom, then guess what? It's going to permanently poison your perspective.
And y'all know what I'm talking about, right? And this this for the men. Y'all know what I'm talking about when I say it permanently poisoning your perspective. Meaning that you start thinking about that it's better for you to not be in a relationship at all with women. Not because you want to just live your life, but because you want to go your own way.
Mto, right? Men go their own way.
All because of the pain. All because what you was going through instead of why I'm dealing with it.
And what's interesting about is that many men remain trapped because they choose permanent biterness over discipline and rebuilding themsel.
And that's that's what I had to do. I had to learn this. I had to master this.
I had to master myself. I had to master everything that I was dealing with being in a sexist marriage.
Got another clip.
>> I'm about to set somebody free. Can you have a sexless marriage and thrive? No.
>> No.
>> No.
No.
Here's why.
You're going to create resentment in a relationship.
>> Yeah. Um, for men, I mean, that is a lot of how we're driven, right? And I know for ladies, maybe not so much. Um, but understand this. 1 Corinthians 7:55 says this, "Do not deprive one another except uh depriving is speaking specifically of having sex, but do not deprive one another except with uh cons uh consent for a time. And come together again."
Thank you, Jesus. Come together again.
And then again and then after that again again says come together again. Catch this. So that Satan does not tempt you >> because of your lack of self-control.
Man, we've counseledled in our years of ministry.
People have said, "We ain't had sex in 2, three years."
And understand this, you are setting yourself up for infidelity.
You're setting yourself up for infidelity. Why? Cuz scripture says that Satan is waiting for that kind of stuff to happen.
He's waiting because he sees a weakness and a kink in the armor. He sees an open door. And so, man, I would say you can't thrive and have a sexless marriage, but you also have to figure out why is that the case?
So, let's talk about this. One part that I want to focus in on is this one. Hugh mentioned about the infidelity part. All right. Now, I didn't want I didn't even really touch on this yet because I wanted to save it for this moment. All right. So, I want to share this with y'all. Okay.
Now, earlier I mentioned to y'all that there was an option for me to cheat in my previous marriage. I had plenty opportunities to do it, but I decided to not exercise that. And the reason why is because I seen the um end results behind that.
But my situation is probably going to be different from other people's situations. Okay. What do I mean?
There are some situations to where um the vetting process wasn't stated clearly. Okay? Or it wasn't exercised clearly.
Meaning this, when you initially went through the vetting phase with each other, right?
You annoyed certain type of red flags.
Like say for example, this man or this woman had exercise to you that they have a high libido, meaning that they have a very high hypersexual drive. And so they be wanting sex a lot. And so you that's going to be part of your commitment to satisfy that drive.
Now sometimes these same type of people they will enter into these type of relationships where it's either a poly relationship or they'll enter into relationships to where it's a open relationship.
Okay. But once again going through this vetting phase right it was expressed clearly that that was the expectation instead of being open and honest and truthful about this they may mention about it but they don't make it become part of a requirement of the relationship. So you can pick or choose if you're going to do that. So you end up entering into this relationship thinking that it's monogamous but in reality it's really not for that same person.
So therefore you're in this you're in this relationship this person have this appetite this hunger that need hunger that need to be satisfied and you just cannot satisfy it.
This what leads to what he was saying earlier about the infidelity part.
Now I also want to make myself clear on this. Some of y'all going to disagree with this because this totally goes against some of y'all worldview beliefs, especially if you believe in Christianity, your spiritual, whatever it is, right? But me personally, I believe that if you have vetted out that person, right, and they have openly stated that this is their reality, that they want to be in an open relationship, they want to have multiple partners and different things like that, right? how the way they say it and then you enter into that.
I believe that that you you have to be committed to that because that's what you signed up for.
I believe that you can't just say one moment earlier that yeah, I agree to it.
Then the next moment you I don't feel comfortable with this anymore. No, cuz you agree to it.
You agree to it.
So whatever wrong one commitment or y'all could call it a covenant whatever you want to call it. So whatever agreement contract or covenant that you agreed upon right and you expressed it clearly that this is the expectation then you you have an obligation to fulfill that and then if you don't fulfill that type of requirement then yes you are obligated to terminate that relationship.
Now earlier when I was on expressing to y'all about my situation, my situation is that we was already in agreements that the whole relationship is a monogous relationship.
We also made a covenant to God that we'll do all these different things regardless of what happened in the conditions of the rel relationship.
But she was the one who end up breaching the contract and enter into a sexist relationship because she was acting like a small ass brat.
That she wanted me to be a certain type of way and not just that I wanted to be that way.
And so therefore she she believed that she wanted to exercise her right of trying to make me be that way. and I refuse.
But the the thing about it is that me being the man that I was, I didn't believe in divorce because like I told y'all earlier that I um I was in ministry and I believe that and I believe that divorce is the worst thing that anyone could go through. And I believe that in that time I believe that you should do everything possible to prevent it to avoid it. And so that's what I was doing even and this was my mindset back then.
even if it took for me to suffer in silence. That was my mindset and I did it. I exercised that.
So, with all all that being said, right, let's get get to this point right here cuz we we've been talking about this all night. We've been talking about sexist marriage and we've been talking about the things that I've been through through this, right? And I've been sharing um my wisdom behind this as well, too. All right? I've been sharing my personal anidotal experience and I also been sharing uh actual data as well too that y'all can want to check out uh on your own leisure time. All right. So, one thing that I always do when I have any conversations, right, other than, you know, me entertaining y'all, but when I be having these these in-depth conversations, I I always want to talk about accountability and I always want to talk about solutions as well too because I believe that when when others be having this conversation, I believe that they be lacking the accountability part and they also lack the solution part as well too.
to where we could come to a reasonable conclusion about this. Okay. So, let's let's talk about the accountability for part first. Let's talk about that. But before I talk about that, let's listen to the final clip for tonight. This is the last clip for tonight, y'all. I promise you. Let's listen to the last clip. Then I'm going to go into this.
All right.
>> So, ladies, you might not like what I'm about to say right now, but I need for you to listen. Ladies, in our relationships and in our marriages, we have to stop depriving our man of sex.
Okay? Let me tell you why. When you deprive your man of sex, it not only messes with him mentally, physically, and emotionally, but it also creates division in your relationship. See, ladies, sex is very important. And for some reason, we feel like after we get in a relationship or we get married that it's no longer a top priority when in actuality it should be a top priority.
Trust me, I get it. We as women, you know, we work now, we take care of the kids, we have a lot on our plate as well and a lot of times we just don't prioritize sex. But here's the thing. If you're not prioritizing sex in your relationship or in your marriage, best believe that man is getting it somewhere else. And I hate to say it like that, but that's just what it is. And the thing is, a lot of times when we find out that man is getting sex elsewhere, we want to get mad and blame him and call him a cheater and and but in actuality, if you just would have been giving him some two to three times out the week anyway, you probably wouldn't have had to worry about him sneaking down the street. You get what I'm saying? So ladies, let's just do better.
Let's make it a point to start prioritizing sex in our relationships. Okay.
>> Now, let's talk about this. Now, I understand her perspective on this. I understand that she's ultimately trying to encourage the women to not withhold sex from their men. Okay. But part of this I don't agree with. All right. The reason why I don't agree with it because it's almost as though she's assinuating that a woman should um sacrifice herself in order to satisfy the man.
This is exactly the same equivalency of what I was saying earlier about myself where I felt like that I literally had to sacrif sacrifice myself just to give into her demands.
I believe that in this particular conversation that that's not a fully credible advice to give women. But what I would say is this.
I would say that if you say that you truly love the man that you're in a relationship with, I would say that sex shouldn't be something that is rewarded.
That shouldn't be the that shouldn't even be your mindset. Cuz a lot of women, now I'm not just saying modern women, but women period think like this.
They use sex as a reward systems. as long as a man do these certain things, then I'm going to give my body to him.
When that totally goes against everything, including if you believe in biblical principles in the Bible, that goes against everything because sex shouldn't be a reward system. It should be something that you willfully want to give because you love, honor, respect him because of who he is.
And you're sexually attracted to him because of who he is, not because of what he could do for you.
And it should be vice versa.
But when um when women will hear this, right, they will misinterpret this and they will literally start doing this.
Matter of fact, I I seen a I believe I seen a person earlier in the chat where they were saying, "Hey, Urban, um, I'm a woman and I'm in a sexist marriage, too."
Imagine her hearing another woman tell her this, like, "Yeah, you just got to just continue to give him what he want."
instead of going back and re-evaluating the core reason of why why it's like this.
So you could go through the process of rectifying it.
And then when you go through the process of rectifying it and you went through all these, you want to dot your eyes and cross your tees and you did everything possible and the conclusion still is that it's sexless, then your final option to be quite honest is to terminate that relationship.
I know that it's a hard pill to swallow.
I know that in my past that was something that I did not want to do.
In fact, yes, she was the one who filed for the divorce, not me. So, it took for her to file for file for the divorce and everything. And I was willing to let this sink uh let this sink let this ship sink all the way to the very end. But she wasn't.
She said, "Forget that."
So if all else fails and nothing else is working and it can't be resolved and you did everything possible to make it be resolved, then the final option is divorce. And I want want to understand this.
Divorce is not the end.
In fact, those of y'all who are Christians and spiritual and stuff like that, right? Divorce is not even a sin.
God don't hate you because you you didn't got a divorce.
God don't favor you less because you got a divorce.
It happens because we're living in a modern time and a modern life where all of us have the right to exercise what is known as irreconcilable differences.
It is what it is.
No way around it.
So, I went through the one process of being hard on myself, but I don't want y'all to go through the same as that thing where you being hard on yourself where you end up um feel like you was a failure and all this other stuff.
I want you also to understand this that the sexist marriage is rarely caused by this only one issue.
But sometimes it it involves unresolved resentment or poor communication, emotional neglect, stress, hormonal changes, lack of attraction like Buddy mentioned earlier, porn addiction, emotional immaturity, selfishness, unresolved trauma, emotional shutdown and the bigger part is on leadership failures within the relationship.
I had to hold myself accountable for certain choices and decisions that I had made in in that last relationship.
But I also believe that accountability in a situation belongs to both people because at the end of the day when it comes to intimacy, right? It's a two-party thing.
Now, I want to um share with y'all a prevention on this. Okay?
Y'all can want to take the prevention uh either, you know, you could apply it or not. It's totally up to you. Okay?
So, the first prevention that I want to share with y'all is this, and I say this all the time on this show.
The first prevention is dealing with vetting properly before marriage.
Once again, vetting properly before marriage.
Stop ignoring the major incompatibilities or red flags and hoping that marriage is going to magically fix it.
If you see red flags from the beginning, nine times out of ten it's going to still exist when you get deeper into that relationship unless you go ahead and express it.
you bring it up and then if it's something that's reasonable, right? And that person is willing to change that and they doing it not because they want to have sex with you, not because they want to marry you, but because they feel like when they do change that is going to make them a better person, then that's cool.
But if they are doing it because they just want to have sex with you, they just want to be in a relationship with you, guess what? That's not cool because guess what's going to happen?
It's going to be a situation where it's going to get challenged.
When it get challenged, that's when normally that person end up going back to that factory reset button where they resort right back to how the way they they were.
And then y'all ask this famous question, what change um a second on prevention I'll say this is you should discuss your intimacy expectations early I believe that it's important for you to have that uncomfortable conversation before making a full commitment I believe you should have that uncomfortable conversation talking about your affection how they look like to I believe that Yeshua especially talking about your int intimacy and the level of frequency, right?
I believe you need to want to talk about your emotional needs as well too.
I believe you need to talk about your communication styles.
How the way you you want to communicate towards each other. Are you authoritarian or what are you controlling? Are you docile? or your beta >> beta >> what all that need to be revealed early on here's a big one conflict resolution need to have an uncomfortable uncomfortable conversation to see if you know how to handle conflict effectively and maturely need to have on conversation talking about stress management.
How do that look like to you? How do you handle stress? How do you handle if the relationship get pushed under stressful situation?
Do you withdraw or what?
Do you weaponize on sex?
What do you do? How do you handle that?
And then I believe that long-term expectations should always be discussed.
Now, this is one of these vetting things that I believe that it should always be talking about. A matter of fact, I'm give y'all example.
In my own current marriage right now, and I I expressed this before, in my current marriage right now, me and my wife, we do this. We do a welfare check with each other. Okay, what I mean by that, we will want go and have a conversation with each other just to check and see where we at in our relationship, in our marriage.
We'll have the conversation, see like where where we at, where we stand.
I have expressed this as being a evaluation as well too.
So we check on each other to see where we at. Are you still having the same world views as you said over a year ago?
Have your world view changed? Have it have your worldview changed or what?
What about your own belief systems?
Have it changed or it remained the same?
What about your own sexual drive, your appetite? Have it went up or have it went down?
So we be having these conversations with each other and I believe that that's what we supposed to be having in relationships period. Even with you in in relationship, you should be checking on each other to make sure that y'all are still in line with each other because we're human. Things happen. Things change. But I believe it is fair for both of y'all to let each other know when the these changes are happening so y'all know how to deal with each other effectively.
And if if these changes happen, right, then you can make a choice behind it whether this something that you still want to push and pursue and it's manageable and it could be worked out or it needs to be discontinued.
So them long-term expectations always have to be going no matter what.
Another thing too is um maintaining the attraction intentionally meaning that marriage should never become a emotional complacency. Okay?
So you should be doing things intentionally for each other.
word becomes intimacy.
Intimac intimacy could be as something as simple as you saying, "Hey."
Intimacy could be as checking on each other. Intimacy could be as something that's giving each other a gift. Not because it's a holiday that came up or a birthday that came up, but simply because you're thinking about that person and you just doing it because you care about them.
Intimacy includes willfully doing things not because you want it in return all the time, but you just simply care about them. Like cooking their favorite meal just to be doing it because you know it's going to make them happy.
Taking care of them while they're sick because you care about their well-being.
Another thing too is this. Address the resentments immediately. So whenever things happen in that relationship, I believe that it need to be addressed as soon as possible, but not within the whole emotional part about it. Cuz sometimes when you address things right, you you tend to say things that in reality you you really don't mean, but you was thinking about it, right? and it just come out wrong.
So that goes that goes back to what I was telling earlier about the conflict resolution and the communication style where you're really strategizing. You're choosing a ideal moment to express any type of resentment or disconnect.
And yes, you're correct. But probably yes, I agree.
Because silence does not heal unresolved emotional damage.
Okay?
And I'm saying this to the men too because we have a tendency of not saying nothing. We have a tendency of trying to compartmentalize all this stuff instead of expressing how the way we truly feel because we been programmed that we need to be the man.
I also say this. I'll say that if it gets to a point right, it is nothing wrong with seeking help before the emotional death occurs in your relationship.
It is nothing wrong with that.
Long as the help is unbiased. Cuz that was my mistake.
Instead of just going to the church and all the stuff there trying to seek to fix this thing, we should have just went to an actual American family counselor who's unbiased, who has a reputation of being unbiased.
That's what we should have did.
But we didn't.
But if it comes to that point, it is nothing wrong with seeking professional help.
Because too many couples, they wait until this hatred builds up, then end up replacing the intimacy and the love.
And also, let me uh let me share this.
I'mma share this u real quick. This another research, too. Y'all check this out. This dude got me. All right.
And for my um and for the men that are listening right now, right?
I want y'all to understand this, okay?
Because brothers, I have been through it.
I have been through the fire and I came out.
I want y'all to understand to don't allow the pain that you done been through through these relationships turn you into this down monster and to this uncontrollable monster.
Instead allow the pain become purpose.
Channel it where it becomes not only purpose but you start developing discipline and you start developing your leadership as well too.
Your leadership should go over your emotions.
Your leadership should go over your ego.
Your leadership should go over your impulses, your bitterness, your rage, your temptations and self-destruction as well too.
Because surviving the pain is one thing. Believe me, I know.
But mastering yourself after the pain, brothers, that's transformation.
and I am a living witness of it.
Everything that that um I'm suggesting to you, right? I know I know on the surface level level it may sounds easy but through my experience I know that it's not easy. I know that everything that I'm suggesting, solutions that I'm suggesting to you is not easy. It's not.
It is difficult especially if you've been programmed to think and have a certain type of worldview.
There was so much stuff that I had to unlearn. There's so much stuff that I had to allow to die within myself in order for me to be reborn.
You know um this also make me think about you know biblical principles principles right it made me think about the the true meaning of salvation right now any scriptures in in Romans it talks about salvation um it talks about when um well when when you confess with your mouth Lord Jesus Christ right and you believe in your for it, then you become saved.
Right?
Ain't that biblical principle? That's true.
But how about that apply to your everyday life as well too where you literally end up sacrificing yourself.
A matter of fact, the Apostle Paul talks about that too. Talk talk about sacrificing your old member.
where you end up becoming something new, where you end up being transformed by the renewing of your mind. And that's Romans chapter 12.
So, how about doing that?
How about mastering yourself? How about killing the old person who you are and becoming a new person? And that new person practice mastering yourself to the point where you become transformed by the renewing of your mind. Well, now you can see things clearly exactly the same way how I start seeing things clearly. And so when I enter into my new marriage, right, I had a whole new ideology. I had a whole new belief system. I see things very clearly. I knew everything that I desire and I wanted right then and there. I set boundaries. I set expectations and everything. And I had seek for a woman who would align with me.
if she didn't align with everything that I was expressing to her and she also expressed the things that she wanted me to align with with her. If we didn't meet together and align guess what out of there no compatibility and nor we didn't force it.
And it should be the same thing with you. Right? If that's once again, if that's your desire to be in a relationship, if it's your desire to overcome everything that I'm telling y'all tonight, right? To overcome your rage, your reappear rage, and eventually after you done found yourself, you're living your life with purpose, right?
and you believe that you need your help meet, then this part is important for you because afterwards it lead back to what I was saying earlier about vetting and everything because if you're not vetting effectively then yeah, all you're going to do is entering back into a curse all over again.
Some of us we we have um what what we call it we we have a type.
We have a type. I had a type.
We have a type.
Now types could be either a positive negative thing. How the way you view it.
But majority of us have a negative type.
We have a ne negative type in our relationships.
We do.
And so we go after these certain type.
We go after these certain type of women.
We go after these certain type of men.
And then we wonder why we end up on failing in these relationships.
You got to transform that type.
You have to re-evaluate yourself to figure out why in the hell am I keep going after this type?
When you figure that out and figure out that it's toxic, it's no good for you, then that is your transforming phase where now you're setting boundaries for yourself where you're no longer going after this type, but now you have to create a new type.
Now I express to yan and I express to y'all that um in my 11 year marriage and six years without intimacy right I expressed that um that it taught me something that society rarely talks about.
Sometimes the greatest battle that a man fights is remaining disciplined while emotionally starving.
and want to let y'all know that I survived it.
Not perfectly because I don't want y'all to think that I'm perfect because I'm not.
Not perfectly, not without anger, not without scars, but I survived it without completely losing myself.
And I want to let y'all know that that matters, y'all. that matters.
So, I hope on tonight I express to y'all my story behind this uh I hope that my story, you know, it gave you clarity about, you know, the things I was saying on on Traer Truth Teller um panel, right? And I hope that also my own story, it will inspire you to see things differently as well, too. All right. So, other than that, that's all I got for tonight. Y'all appreciate everyone who tuned in. appreciate uh appreciate those of y'all who donated through the super chat. Appreciate y'all supporting the channel. Appreciate the thumbs up as well too because it helps the channel out a whole lot. It let YouTube know that you want more of this content as well too. Appreciate that a whole lot.
Also, um appreciate everyone who's participated in the chat. Thank you so much. If you've not sub up to this channel, I highly encourage you to sub up to this channel where we be having these conversations as well too where this channel is built on men empowerment. All right? Where I want my brothers to be successful in their everyday life. Okay? So, appreciate y'all. Make sure y'all tune in to my shorts as well too that I post daily.
All right? And also make sure y'all participate in my community post because I be posting some crazy stuff over there for real. You know what I'm saying? So make sure y'all check that out as well too. All right. So other than that, y'all have a great and wonderful night and I will see y'all again on the next episode. Peace out, y'all. Y'all have a great night.
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