Why "Gentle" Parenting Doesn't Work

Added: 2026-05-15

[00:00:03]Hey, I don't know if it's obvious, but I'm employed. More specifically, I work with kids in the therapeutic field. As the medical field progresses, therapists obviously don't hit, scream, raise our voices, or show strong socially unacceptable emotions, at least not as much as they used to. But a couple months ago, I had a conflict at work with another employee, specifically because she's so ass at her job when interacting with any kind of children.

[00:00:24]She doesn't yell at the kids or hit them, which is probably why my company kept refusing to fire her despite the multiple complaints from multiple employees about her because even though she doesn't do the typical on paper abusive stuff, her behavior could honestly still be considered at best unprofessional, but at worst abusive.

[00:00:42]One example is that I walked in into one of the rooms of my work and my co-worker's client began to ask me permission to do something. Before I could respond with an answer, my coworker interjected while looking at me and said, "No, we're not talking to them. they don't exist right now. I was taken aback a little because that's a very strange thing to say, especially in the line of work that we do where we're supposed to be offering these kids therapy. I tried offering her an alternative response to what she was doing if the kid was having a hard time, but she mostly repeated herself and said that we're not going to engage with someone that's rude. I kind of had to ignore the situation since my attention needed to be on the kid that I was actually working with. But a few seconds later, my co-workers clan became more upset and shut down and started kicking things that weren't the most meant to be kicked objects around the room. If it's not obvious, the kid's behavior was a direct response to how she handled that situation. I think she was trying to implement something called planned ignoring, but it's really only meant to be used for minor attention-seeking behaviors because kids like to rage bait sometimes. But since she phrased it as he doesn't exist right now, instead of ignoring an action that could be corrected, she ended up shaming his existence instead of the behavior, which is not a productive consequence to a child, especially one already in therapy who already has attachment or trauma issues. Not existing is quite literally a terrifying psychological threat. I did end up hearing the rest of the context later and apparently he ended up hitting someone, which yes, I agree that behavior does deserve correction. But I also wouldn't label that kind of action rude because that's such a passive definition of what happened. And labeling behavior subjectively instead of describing them objectively ends up with even more psychological issues, which we'll get into later. I did end up reporting that incident because oh my god, it is so insanely weird to engage in a power struggle with your prepubescent client as an adult therapist. Hello. Now she isn't allowed to be his therapist, which is good. But that's also not the only incident where she's been indecent with the kids that were supposed to be professionals for.

[00:02:34]When I was complaining about it, my supervisor at the time was basically saying that it'd be different if the kid was her child, but where their therapists, but I honestly disagree. I personally hold parenting to a very high standard of emotional intelligence because parenting is not natural. There are a bunch of old school people who disagree with that, but I know they'd agree that parenting is hard. The reason why it's hard is because it's a skill labor that most people don't really work on until they actually have a child.

[00:02:59]Which is why most parents say that kids grow up too fast for the parents to keep up because once they feel like they've gotten it, the kid has entered a new stage in their life. It's true that we do have biological instincts to keep a child alive. But we don't really have natural instincts for emotional regulation, conflict resolution, or trauma-informed discipline. You might immediately know to feed a baby when a baby is crying and hasn't eaten in 10 hours. But when your child hits you in the face out of frustration, you might not know how to stay calm, identify the disregulation, set a boundary without shaming, and co-regulate. When people say that parenting is natural, what they usually mean is reactive. Parenting is really easy when all you have to do is just respond based on how you were raised or how you feel in the moment, which is fittingly called reactive parenting. Proactive or skilled parenting is when you respond based on a mental framework of child development.

[00:03:46]So, if your kid ends up hitting you in the face, a proactive parent could recognize that it's not just being a brat, but that they're distressed and need your support. Reactive parents typically have authoritarian parenting styles where they focus heavily on obedience and discipline with very little nurturing or open dialogue. Like maybe your parents set really strict rules that are non-negotiable, and they sometimes don't explain why they have those rules. If you were to make a mistake, your parents will respond by giving you a punishment, then turning it into a teaching moment. This type of parenting is very old school, very do this because I said so, which sometimes do turn out obedient children if they didn't turn into sneaky kids, but will often struggle with their self-esteem, social skills, or internalize anger later down the line. I've seen a lot of people say online that authentarian parenting is gentle parenting because you parented without hitting or yelling at them. And it's usually directed at an example of a parent throwing away their toy because the child didn't listen the first time. But I think people just want to validate any kind of parent that do the bare minimum. I saw this video of a woman chasing after her son with a belt because he wore his new shoes outside.

[00:04:44]And like he seemed like an older kid, so I understand that he was probably told to wait to wear the shoes at school or at a church or or at least some sort of special event. But she captioned the video, "Gentle kids deserve gentle parenting." I understand that some parents just use hitting or beating because they believe that nothing else works. I don't think it's the best solution to stick with, but I get it.

[00:05:02]But I'm just wondering what her definition of gentle is if wearing shoes outside isn't gentle enough to the point where it's worth getting chased down by a belt. Like I think at that point you just want an excuse to hit your kid.

[00:05:13]This kid seemed like a teenager or pre-teen at the very least. So I'm sure they would have understood if you just gave them the responsibility to just buy their own shoes in the future if they aren't seemingly adhering to your method of taking care of new shoes. Like if you want to wear your new shoes on your own terms, you will also buy yourself new shoes in the future if they get ruined.

[00:05:31]That way, you save your voice from getting strained from yelling. You save your energy from running around the yard chasing a fit teenage boy. They also learn the realworld consequences of not listening to your advice about maintaining objects. And it also, more importantly, maintains your relationship with them. When a parent yells or starts to chase, they become the enemy. The teenager often focuses on how crazy or mean the parent is rather than focusing on their own mistake. If you were to calmly state the new boundary, the parent remains the guide. The teenager is then left with the reality of their own choice of if I ruin these, I'm the one who loses both the shoes and the money to replace them, which is also healthy for teenage development.

[00:06:08]Teenagers are mostly biologically driven to seek independence. But the authorism parenting style of you will do what I say when I tell you might create kids who fear you and despite what oldchoolers say, fear typically does not get executed as your definition of respect. While beating your kid for doing something that doesn't physically or mentally harm anyone is the most obvious example of authoritarianism parenting, the standard isn't just violent. Like the example I gave at the beginning where my coworker would just straight up give the silent treatment to a kid, that would also be an example of authoritarian parenting if she were his parent even though she didn't touch him.

[00:06:41]If not hitting was the only requirement, then neglect or psychological torture would also qualify as gentle parenting.

[00:06:48]But it doesn't. When people say gentle kids deserve gentle parenting, they end up framing safety to be conditional. In their mind, if their kid is rude or disobedient, the parent is justified in being violent. In true gentle parenting, the parents gentle but firmness is a boundary they set for themselves, not a reward the child has to earn. When people complain about gentle parenting online, they're usually talking about parents who act more like a friend than an authority figure. These types of parents avoid conflict, rarely enforce consequences. So, if a kid isn't doing what they're told and they just continue, the parents will respond by either positively affirming the child or disengaging altogether. I've seen parents try really hard to mimic this parenting style online, but ultimately fail because it doesn't work to stop destructive behavior because, yeah, of course it doesn't. This parenting style sucks because it's permissive parenting.

[00:07:37]People have started to actually bring up the right name for this parenting style, but this parenting style is the one that most people are actually complaining about when they say that gentle parenting doesn't work. And to go back to when I said mimic, I mean the parent requests something passively for a bit before screaming and cursing at the child to show which one actually works.

[00:07:53]I mentioned before that the reason why most parents do that is because they feel as though it's the last resort. My kid won't listen and isn't gentle, so I'm going to use non-gentle methods. But the reason why these kids don't listen to you the first time is because you as their parents have taught them how to distinguish between inactive command and an effective command. The child has learned that these initial requests are the equivalent to background noise or even sometimes messing around because no real consequences will follow after the first request in a calm voice. The videos that I've seen of parents who tried to prove that gentle parenting doesn't work typically show a kid no older than five acknowledging what the parent is saying by looking over at them but doesn't comply to the command from the parent and sometimes will even smile and continue messing around. When the kid looks at their parent but isn't complying to the command immediately, the child is typically checking to see if the inactive command is still inactive. My mom is speaking normally and she doesn't look like she's about to get up, which means I have a while before anything actually happens. And when the child does feel like their parent is going to do something, they will sometimes smile or laugh as a stress response to hopefully ease their parent into not exploding. Sometimes their smile is unrelated since children that young typically think in very objective ways like, "Oh, a noise is happening, so I'm going to look at what's making the noise. A noise is coming from my mom, and I'm happy when I'm around my mom, so I'm going to smile." I know that a lot of parents think that when a child laughs or smiles at them, they're mocking or disrespecting them. But the children featured in these videos are around the age where they haven't really developed the complex social theory of mind to realize that smiling while disobeying looks like disrespect or mockery to an adult. But anyways, I've also noticed in these videos the parents don't move when giving the command. And I understand why because the whole point of giving a verbal command is to not having to physically make them do whatever you want them to do. But like obviously your toddler isn't going to listen to you, especially when you clearly have a phone in their face because you're recording them. And the parents know that, which is why they immediately switch to yelling, threats of violence, or actually just start swinging at them.

[00:09:47]But active or alpha commands don't mean louder, angry, or more violence. Active commands means being fully present towards the child and giving your undivided attention to them. Like putting down your phone and getting up to be closer with them, obviously not aggressively, but just deliberately. And even just being closer to them physically tells the child non-verbbally that you're engaged and you're also not shouting from across the room because now you're actually present with them.

[00:10:12]Then make eye contact with them because then it turns a booming above voice to be direct communication. and then say your command clearly and only once. You wait a couple seconds to let the kid process it. And if they still don't listen, you actually follow through with the natural consequences. Whether that's taking a break from whatever they're actively doing, redirecting their attention to a new activity, or even just going away for a little bit to have a talk. Active commands are based on the follow-throughs, not the emotional reaction of the parent. Because if you teach your kid to just be afraid of your emotional reactions, they'll learn to regulate your emotions, not actually listen to you. If you haven't noticed, the majority of the families that I featured, and also just what I've seen in general, talking about how gentle parenting doesn't work were mostly non-white. And it reminded me of the stereotype of white kids often having permissive parents. White kids that aren't southern get to talk back, cuss, and sometimes even hit their parents.

[00:11:04]But non-white kids say that they get beat if they did anything remotely to fight against their parents. For black American parents, it mostly has to do with racist history and also surviving under a racist society. Similar things existed in some Latino and Asian households, but for different cultural and historical reasons. There is actually a lot of privilege in being a gentle parent. The only reason I know this stuff is because I've dedicated a lot of my time being trained and educated on this stuff without actually having to balance kids in my free time at the same time. There's actually a named theory called knowledge gap hypothesis which suggests parents with higher levels of education and greater economical resources are able to be exposed to acquire and adopt information relevant to parenting practices sooner than lower social economical status individuals. Not saying that poor people are worse parents because that's factually not true in the slightest. But the way that information flows in social spaces mostly moves up. books, podcasts, parenting coaches, therapy, antiatal classes all disproportionately, or at least typically reach people who are already educated, already resource, and already in networks where this stuff gets discussed. Not to mention that there's a considerable amount of parents who never planned on being parents. So, if you're already disconnected from the prenal care system, you're also missing the first moments when parenting approaches, child development information, and support structures would naturally be introduced to you, especially if no one's ever introduced you to the idea that there are choices in how you parent. you simply replicate what was done to you because you turned out fine. But personally, I always chalk that up to being in denial. A lot of parents are also people that have other things on their mind besides kids. I remember one of the dads I work with telling me that the only reason he doesn't beat his kids is that his wife is extremely against parental violence, even if the kids seemingly deserved it.

[00:12:42]But then following that piece of information, he also said that he's noticed that the days that he really wanted to spank the kids is also when he had a terrible day at work before coming home. I'm happy that he's hyper aware enough to notice that. But most people don't even have the time or knowledge how to reflect on themselves like that.

[00:12:57]But that kind of scenario is also very common among parents whether they're aware of it or not. If a parent is constantly under pressure and or underresourced with financial debt, little sleep, and no support, gentle parenting that requires their mind being at peace is something that they mentally cannot do. I'm good with kids because I get to regenerate at home, go out with my friends, and have a stress outlet online. So, by the time I actually get to see and interact with the kids, I'm able to stay patient because I'm paid to be there for 8 hours a day. If a kid would rather sit on the hardwood floor for 3 hours and pick up their paper towel, I have 3 hours to sit down with them until they're ready. In a clinical or school setting, that's called precision requesting or just simply waiting it out. It works because it's a nonviolent power struggle that the professional eventually wins through sheer endurance. But a parent who doesn't have that time can't afford to wait until their kid is ready because that 3-hour time window could have been spent cooking dinner, doing laundry, helping their other kids with homework, or even taking a 3-hour nap to recharge themselves to be able to handle a stubborn kid. Good parenting is just simply not instinctual as much as the older generation tries to tell you it is. It's one thing to not know about certain information or just not having access to it. It's another to outright deny the information that comes from the people who actually know what they're talking about. It's so insufferable whenever I see a child expert responding to a situation where the child is misbehaving and how to handle it properly to set up both the kid and the parent for success and all the comments are just filled to the brim with nah old school is better or even just gifts of various objects to hit the kid with.

[00:14:26]I've heard a lot of stories from my peers where the hardest part about working with kids is with the parents because there are just some parents that refuse to listen to the bunches of child experts who so desperately just want the best for them. there gets to a point where access to proper gentle parenting isn't actually unobtainable because sometimes it's just the unwillingness from the parents to accept that they might not already know everything that their kid needs from them. But I don't know, that's just me. Lers