The Hit New Medical Drama You Don't Want to Miss | The Carol Burnett Show

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[00:00:00]Good evening and welcome to Flop Theater. Tonight we present a television first, the only medical series ever produced that never got on the air.

[00:00:15]>> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> My name IS FRANCIS HICKEY.

[00:01:27]I AM A WOMAN AND A DOCTOR.

[00:01:30]I'll be making a fresh start here at Storefront Hospital with its thousands of patients sick, suffering, and in pain.

[00:01:39]I know I'll BE HAPPY HERE.

[00:01:47]OH, HELLO THERE YOUNG INTERNS. OH, I know what you're going through because I went through it myself. The long hard hours, overworked, underpaid, and no time for fun. Well, that was true until last week. Then what happened? THEY HIRED ME.

[00:02:06]>> [laughter] >> COME ON, LET'S BE OFF TO THE EMERGENCY WARD.

[00:02:14]I CAN UNDERSTAND THEIR SPECIALIZING, but why dancing?

[00:02:18]>> [laughter] >> Well, here it is, Dr. Hickey.

[00:02:25]The door to your future.

[00:02:28]Oh, I just know I'll be a great doctor.

[00:02:31]If only I can stop talking to myself.

[00:02:38]Hello.

[00:02:41]I'm Francis Hickey, a woman doctor.

[00:02:46]Hello, Hickey. I'm Dr. Boyle.

[00:02:49]How do you do? Welcome to Storefront.

[00:02:51]>> Thank you. I want to get one thing straight right from the start with you.

[00:02:54]I don't want you to expect any kind of special privilege because you're a woman.

[00:02:58]You pull your own weight around here as a doctor same as anyone else or you're out. Is that clear? Yes. Now, I would like to say something if I may.

[00:03:05]Just because I'm an attractive woman starved for affection and you are the whole head of the hospital, that does not mean that there can be anything between us. I plan to devote my entire life to my medical career. Is that clear? That's fine with me.

[00:03:23]Hickey. BOYLE.

[00:03:31]OH, WHY DID YOU WAIT SO LONG?

[00:03:34]I had to be sure. Sure of what? That you really were A LADY DOCTOR.

[00:03:42]OH, COME IN, KINDLY old Dr. Zappa. I'd like you to meet Dr. Francis Hickey.

[00:03:48]Is it a lady doctor or another weirdo?

[00:03:53]Dr. Hickey and I are in love. Just what we need, another weirdo.

[00:03:59]I've heard a lot about you, kindly old Dr. Zappa. That's good. No, it's not.

[00:04:06]I've heard that you're still practicing 19th century medicine, that you are an old fool, and that you refuse to accept today's MODERN MEDICAL METHODS.

[00:04:17]THAT'S ALL TRUE. NO, it's not. I was just joshing you.

[00:04:22]Actually, I'm just as modern as the next doctor. Just last week I doubled my prices.

[00:04:28]In that case, I'm sorry. I misjudged you. It's all right.

[00:04:33]Excuse me?

[00:04:35]Hello, kindly old Dr. Zappa talking to you here?

[00:04:40]What happened?

[00:04:41]Oh, that's too bad.

[00:04:43]What is it? My only patient just died.

[00:04:46]Oh, I'm sorry. Well, at least he's off the critical list.

[00:04:53]>> [laughter] >> I'll tell you something, I'm glad he paid me in advance.

[00:04:59]>> [laughter] >> AND NOW, DR. HICKEY, I guess you ought to see your new quarters here. No. No, thank you. I I don't plan on using my quarters. You see, I'm I'm intending to work around the clock 24 hours a day until I ruin my health.

[00:05:17]As your fiance, I'm worried. As head of the hospital, I couldn't care less.

[00:05:22]Well, this chat has made me a little tired.

[00:05:26]Oh.

[00:05:27]Are you all right?

[00:05:29]Yes.

[00:05:31]I'm fine.

[00:05:37]>> [laughter] [panting] >> Are you all right, lady doctor?

[00:05:50]>> Oh, listen.

[00:05:53]Listen.

[00:05:54]I realize I've only known you for about 10 minutes, but I consider you to be my best friend and I feel I can I can trust you. Oh, your secret's safe with me.

[00:06:03]Then listen.

[00:06:04]I think I have corneotis glackamora caused by a pressure on the retilicum gravis of the pellioptic nerve of the vascular speculus speculatus and the vernal concentrical spatula. Don't repeat it.

[00:06:19]I couldn't. I'm only A YOUNG INTERN.

[00:06:22]>> [laughter] >> WHO WANTED IN SURGERY?

[00:06:33]>> [laughter] >> I'M HEARING STRANGE LAUGHTER.

[00:06:38]>> [laughter] >> IT'S THOSE FATAL SYMPTOMS AGAIN.

[00:06:44]OH, I give myself 9 days to live.

[00:06:47]10 if I STOP JOGGING.

[00:06:50]>> [laughter] [applause] >> OH.

[00:06:57]OH, THERE'S SO LITTLE TIME AND AND so much to do.

[00:07:02]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> Well, I'm glad you're here, nurse. I am not a nurse. I am a woman doctor.

[00:07:20]Oh.

[00:07:21]You mean you went to college?

[00:07:22]>> Yes. And medical school? Yes. And got all those degrees? Yes. You were an intern? Yes. And a resident? Yes. Oh.

[00:07:29]Then crank UP MY BED.

[00:07:31]LISTEN HERE, rich patient. Everyone else around here may put up with your shenanigans, but not this doctor. Just because you have all the money in the world, that does not mean you can rule the world. Listen to me, rich patient.

[00:07:43]Get up out of that bed and walk. I haven't walked in 15 years. It's all in your mind. GET UP AND WALK. ARE YOU CRAZY? WALK. ALL RIGHT. [screaming] >> [laughter] >> I'VE CURED YOU. I KNEW YOU COULD WALK ALL ALONG. Who said I couldn't?

[00:08:04]I'm so rich, I just don't have to.

[00:08:06]>> [laughter] >> Well, in that case, I'LL CARRY YOU BACK to bed.

[00:08:09]>> OH, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU QUACK.

[00:08:22]>> [laughter] >> WELL, KINDLY OLD DR. ZAPPA, what do you think of Dr. Hickey?

[00:08:31]Well, to tell you the truth, she looks a little strange to me out of the whole hospital. Like she has corneotic glackamora caused by a pressure on the rectilium gravis BY THE PELLIOPTIC >> [laughter] >> WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, >> [laughter] >> SHE LOOKS A LITTLE FUNNY TO ME OUT OF THE WHOLE HOSPITAL. Like she has corneotic glackamora caused by a pressure on the rectilium gravis by the pellioptic nerve of the vascular speculatus and the vernal concentrical spatula.

[00:09:07]That could be fatal.

[00:09:09]Only if I have to say it again.

[00:09:14]Hello there. Oh, hello, Dr. Hickey, honey.

[00:09:17]Is anything wrong? No, no, nothing at all. JUST ANOTHER ATTACK.

[00:09:26]>> [laughter] >> THINGS ARE NOT TOO GOOD IN HER GLACKAMORA.

[00:09:31]>> [laughter] >> HER GLACKAMORA, THEN SHE'S in luck. You mean?

[00:09:35]>> That's right. I'm major in glackamora.

[00:09:37]We can operate and save her. [laughter] Waitress, a knife, a fork, a suture, AND A CLAMP.

[00:09:43]YOU WANT TO OPERATE HERE? I have to. I still HAVE DESSERT COMING.

[00:09:48]>> [laughter] [music] >> I THINK SHE'S GOING to be all right.

[00:10:06]>> [laughter] >> Oh, yes.

[00:10:09]Look, she's coming to.

[00:10:15]Hello head of the whole hospital sweetheart.

[00:10:19]Hello Dr. Hickey honey.

[00:10:22]>> [laughter] >> How do you feel?

[00:10:25]I FEEL >> [screaming] >> FINE.

[00:10:28]OH MY GOODNESS, I'M I'M NOT dizzy anymore and and my skin is cleared up and and my vision is A-OK.

[00:10:38]Oh, that's marvelous. Here, try and read this. What is it? My bill.

[00:10:44]What a brilliant surgeon. In one operation, you got rid of my glockamora and my life savings.

[00:10:51]>> [laughter] >> You're my brightest student, you'll learn a lot about glockamora. Oh, for for instance, what?

[00:10:57]>> Well, for one thing, it's highly contagious. ARE YOU SURE? OH, YEAH.

[00:11:02]Anybody you kissed got glockamora.

[00:11:14]>> [laughter] >> Well, don't worry OLD DR. ZAPPA.

[00:11:23]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> LUCKILY, I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANESTHETIC. I can perform the operation right here just as he did.

[00:11:41]>> I'll help you. All right, you there, go get me a suture, a clamp, a knife and a fork. And a and a prune Danish, ALL RIGHT.

[00:11:51]I, DR. Francis Hickey of Storefront Hospital in the next 13 weeks will heal the sick, make the unwell well, cure [clears throat] the uncurable, heal the unhealable, >> Oh, boy.

[00:12:06]>> [laughter] >> fix the unfixable, take care of the untakeable. I think I think I got it. Got what? A cure for hickeys.

[00:12:19]>> [music] >> Thanks for watching.

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