The 2010 Louvre heist, where four thieves dressed as construction workers stole crown jewels using angle grinders to break into the second floor, exemplifies how inadequate museum security protocols can lead to catastrophic losses. The thieves exploited the museum's vulnerability by targeting the crown jewels rather than the more crowded Mona Lisa, and the security response prioritized evacuating visitors over confronting the robbers. This incident highlights the broader issue of museum security resource limitations, where guards receive minimal equipment compared to other security professions, and the complex challenge of protecting valuable artifacts while maintaining public access.
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Josh Johnson: The Louvre Heist Was a Masterpiece ️
Added:When I was growing up, you know, I would hear these stories of people who were like really in the life, you know, like really like they doing bad things. They were like they do this is bad. I'm probably going to go to jail.
And I heard a story one time. this dude.
Everybody got locked up, but there was this uh trap house. In case you're not aware, the trap house is where elicit materials are sold.
I just, you know, sometimes you might say trap house. There might be someone who's like, "So, booby traps?" Like, is it uh the trapoor situation? Like when you walk in, watch out for the wire.
You're going to fall down to the basement. No, I mean I mean drugs. I mean the the buying and selling of uh drugs.
And so this trap house was known for being uh pretty busy. It had become so busy that they had bought some property, you know, several blocks away and opened up another trap house. Business was booming.
Things are going very well. Whenever whenever you are selling so many drugs that you have to buy property, we are entering documentary territory.
Most trap houses are really just dudes playing video games until somebody knocks on the door. Like it's [laughter] not a busy day. And you got to stay at Trap House the whole time because you don't know when someone might get the itch.
And so they opened up another trap house, but this location was not uh as popping for some reason. They must have opened it in a bad neighborhood.
[laughter] Can you imagine? Can you imagine being all drugs be like, "I'm not going over there though. That's dangerous."
>> [laughter] >> And so even though they opened another location and even though they tried to tell people, hey, you can come here or you can go over there, people liked the original trap house. It stayed just as busy as ever with some business going on to the second location, but mostly it was here, right? And okay, let's just call him Jerry. All right.
And Jerry ran both trap houses and he did a pretty decent job. You know, kept his books, kept his finances really like he knew his inventory, you know. I mean, he could have made a great store manager at any grocery store.
There was this dude named Tuan. And Tuan found out about these very popular trap houses. Well, one popular, one not so popular, right?
And he made a plan to rob the trap house, the main one, the lucrative one, right? So his plan for robbing the lucrative trap house was to basically set up a diversion at the one that wasn't as busy. So he basically faked a robbery at the one that was not as busy. He had some guys go over there, bang on the door, act like they had guns. They were about to break in cuz he knew it would make everyone call Jerry.
Jerry and his boys would go over there.
You know, by the time they get there, those guys have already left. And then the main trap house is left defenseless.
They break in. Tuan and them break in.
They steal all this money out of the trap house, right? Take it back to their place. Now, their place is a stash house. Stash house.
Should be self-explanatory.
If I've lost you at stash house, I cannot help you.
But the trap house has been robbed.
Everything's been taken back to the stash house. Okay. And then Twan and his boys thought they had made a killing.
They were like, "This is this is great.
No one even knows that it was us because they had planned it very well. They planned it all the way down to the detail of if those guys who did the fake robbery got caught, they wouldn't even know who hired them, right?
But Jerry, Jerry's no fool. Jerry started asking around and he could kind of tell that some of these guys were lying, some of these guys weren't lying. He traced everything back to Tuan.
And so he set up a plan. A plan to rob Tuan's stash house [laughter] to go in there and not just get his stuff back, but take the rest of whatever was in there. And his plan wasn't as meticulous. He just sort of ran up in there with a lot of men and guns.
Now, what he did do is he waited. He like learned the routine. He learned who would be there when. It took it took months. And then finally he was like, you know, we going to do it on Tuesday.
They never paying attention on Tuesday.
Going to run up in there. It's only going to be like five of them. If it's 15 of us, I don't think we'll meet a lot of resistance. It's not like it's their money. It's Twan's money.
And so that's what they did. They broke up in there, went ahead, zip tied everybody.
and took everything which took several trips. They the people at the stash house did have to watch themselves be robbed for quite for quite a while. Imagine you over here. You're not going to get away with this.
Then you think they've left. They come back in the door.
Left all this right here.
And so then one of them being new to uh the lifestyle, being a new, some would say prospect gang member was so appalled at the theft that when he freed himself, lacking all presence of mind, called the police.
This man called the police and was like was like they ran up in there and they had guns and everything.
[laughter] They had they had a gun in my hands.
He's telling all this to what they took they took everything. They took the weaves.
They took all the money.
took my favorite Glock and you know some people were duct taped and everything duct taped over the mouth zip tied behind everything. So when you know as soon as he called 911 he started freeing everybody else. As soon as he ripped that tape off they're like what is wrong with you?
We got to get out of here now.
And so then they all left. They all ran up out of there because the police catching wind that there was a robbery of the stash house made themselves available immediately.
I think look, they got out in time not to get caught. They got out in time to see the police raiding the stash house from a few doors down.
And that's the thing is is like people people say, you know, crime doesn't pay or like criminals are dumb or whatever, but there are some very smart people who for whatever reason enter a certain lifestyle, choose to stay there, or maybe it's all that they know.
And if criminals were so dumb, they wouldn't be fascinated. We are fascinated by career criminals. We're fascinated by people who do who who do things that aren't just illegal. They have they have the the gall to try to pull something off that has so many different um entry points to danger.
Like just in the past few days, the Lou was robbed and I have not been able to settle. This is This is amazing. Okay. So, if you're not familiar with the the the Lou or or the Loura or whatever, it's one of the most visited museums in the world. And people um people go there and then they act like they've been changed by art.
And you ask them what they saw, they can't name anything or anybody.
They were just like, "No, the Mona Lisa was there. looking unimpressed.
Well, there were these robbers that broke in and they they broke in dressed as construction workers, right?
They had actually rented this like powerlifting vehicle that had a ladder that would bring them up to the next level where they could cut in cuz they brought tools to cut in through the window and enter that way. They didn't want to just come through the front and it made sense that they were dressed as construction workers as Lou is under construction permanently. I guess it's always it's always under Why is Europe never finished?
Europe always, all of Europe, always, unless you're out in the country, there's always like, "Oh, we going to fix this road.
We've been working on it since 1822."
But that's y'all's fault. Y'all keep changing the roads. We just right when we finished the cobblestone, y'all were like, "No, it's ass fault now."
And so, look, they break in and [snorts] they break in with these power tools.
They had like an angle grinder and everything. And that's when the alarms were going off and stuff. And then they get in through this museum window and the part of the museum that they're in is where these rare crown jewels are being held. Right. They didn't bother with the Mona Lisa. There was a crowd.
There's a line.
You'd never make it out. People be like, "No, I want to see." [laughter] And people keep, you know, they keep criticizing the security. They keep criticizing the people that were doing security. But those people did approach them. They were like, "Hey, you don't.
You better not."
Cuz what is museum security really supposed to do? Let's be honest. Let's be like, let's be real. You should, if you work security, if you work security in any format, they should arm you with as much as it takes to protect what's supposedly valuable.
Think about this. When you see someone working for like Brinks, right, and they bring a Brinks truck to do a deposit for a bank, let's say a whole grocery store is like, "Hey, we got like a4 million dollars that we need to transport over to the bank to make our deposit." The bank is like, "Don't worry, we'll send somebody." They hire Brinks. Brinkx comes over. They have a truck and not just a truck, like a bulletproof truck.
And then they get two people. They get two people to make sure nobody knocks you over the head when you trying to grab the bags and put up at the truck.
They get two people. AND NOT JUST TWO PEOPLE. TWO of the biggest people you've ever seen. Like two two people that are so big that it's like you are the gun, right? And then I think they give them a gun. They always hold in their pockets.
Maybe they don't have a gun, but it looks like they have a gun. And they don't give them cuffs because they don't plan on taking any prisoners.
And then they get in there, they get in.
Brings always handles a drop like they are being robbed. Like they they always handle the drop the way a bank robber would handle the drop. cuz brings I used to work at a grocery store and Brinks would come in and they'd be like, "So, where is your uh safe or where what do you hurry?"
And we'd be like, "Oh, it's over here."
Okay, it's over here. All right. And then the one would get to work putting the other one just watching them, watching them. Wa! Watching us watch.
I'm ringing people up. I'm putting more money in the deal. And they were still like, "But you might try anything.
I don't know you."
And then they would leave and they'd leave all fast and then they'd run into the truck, throw everything in the truck, and then they would always peel out a little bit, which made me uncomfortable.
One time they came and did a pickup, and I was like, "Y'all sure that was Brinks?" Because they they were a little squirrely.
But then for some reason there are times where you're supposed to protect or you're supposed to hold guard of something and you're giving less and less resources as you do it. Like you look at a Brinks security guard and then you look at like a mall cop. They're like you get one flashlight I guess shine it in their eyes or something.
If you hit if you hit somebody hard enough to the head with it the glass will break. That's something.
[laughter] But nobody gets done dirtier.
[clears throat] Nobody gets done dirtier than museum security.
Museum security. Not only do they give you nothing. No flashlight. They don't even give you a stapler to hit somebody with. They give you nothing.
All they give you is a dress code.
They're like, "Hey, just show up at all black. Nobody will mess with you.
You show up in a black shirt with a black suit jacket and some black pants or black shoes. People think you John Wick. They won't even approach any of the art cuz truly what is what is a museum security guard supposed to do?
I'll I go to a lot of museums. I try to go a museum in every city that I do a show if I can, right? And I've been in these museums. Beautiful art. beautiful art and then you see you get a little too close and you see this thing go off this like little you don't even know where the alarm is like it'll just that's the too close alarm cuz it's not like a real alarm it's just annoying and it's annoying and it goes off until you back up. So if you're a pointer, I go to a lot of museums with pointers. Some I everyone I take to a museum love to point. It's like we all three again and they're like I like the flap.
And soon as you hear somebody works for museum comes over black everything with an attitude. Uh could you not?
[laughter] Ma'am, back up. They love that hair.
Back up.
Give it a little space. Let the art breathe.
[laughter] And you you want to know you want to know who a who a museum security guard's arch nemesis is? Cuz it's not is it's not like a grown man.
It's not a it's not a grown woman. It is any child. any any child will ruin their day. Cuz I don't know what it is about the frequency of the alarm, but it I if you four, you can't hear it. If you four, YOU'RE LIKE [laughter] I was I was at the museum one time. This security guard was in a true predicament because this child was out here touching everything, touching just he was touching to the point that it sounded like their alarm was going off to the to the bury had a little laugh.
And finally the security guard started like chasing his child around. And not like really chasing them, not like dense the men is chasing them, but just like following them around hoping to maybe this kid's going to go back up to their parents or something and be like, "Can you please hold your child's hand or something because they've been touching everything, got applesauce on everything."
Cuz as a security guard, what are you going to do? You can't grab this kid.
You can't actually grab the I know that sounds crazy to anybody who was born in any era before now. You have to kind of let this kid put applesauce on all the art cuz if you touch this kid, you've committed murder. So if you So if you snatch this kid and even hold their hand so you can find their parent, you are basically killing them. So you have to like let them kind of do it, but then follow them around, but then not touch them, but then make sure they don't touch anything. It would look terrible.
And so finally this security guard just started running interference on every item. This this child was walking up getting ready to touch a sculpture.
Security guard get in there. Uh-uh. No.
Just trying to box him out of every room.
And then finally his kid, you know, realized what was going on. It felt like it was a game.
So this kid is like, "Oh, you want to play?
I love to play.
Playing's my favorite thing. Playing's basically my job.
And so he run interferes. There's a painting. [laughter] And finally this kid gets boxed in. And even the security guard is like, I don't know what to do now. Because like this would be when you would like snatch their hand and be like, "Hey, is your child not with you in the museum? I might have them."
But he was like, "I, you know, doesn't want to touch this kid, but doesn't want the kid touch anything else, but then is in the corner, but then is also a grown man cornering a child in a corner.
[laughter] Just cuz you're at work doesn't make it look better.
>> [laughter] >> All this all this kid has to yell is stop and you going straight to jail.
I'm your only witness and I'm not really here right now. [laughter] And so this kid boxed into the corner and you can see the kids having fun.
Kids over here >> [laughter] >> Nowhere to go but under. This kid slipped under his legs and ran away. This man turned around and started chasing after this kid even more. And then the kid went to the only room he hadn't got applesauce on and was next to this painting. I don't really remember who painted this, but it was a huge, huge painting of a ship in a storm. And it was one of those that was like it was a marvel because of its scale, you know? So it's not like one that you just hang up and 6 by8 whatever.
This thing was huge. It took up almost the entire wall, which meant he could definitely reach it. [laughter] This kid walked up to the painting and now the whole thing is a game. Touching the stuff's a game. trying not to get caught as a game. This kid's having fun.
He thought museums were boring. He's having the time of his life.
This kid standing next to the painting.
And admittedly, I was also running after them so I could keep watching.
I didn't try to help at all, but I was like, I got to see the rest of this.
Like, what you going to do? This man going to run out of breath soon.
security guard gets in the room huffing and puffing and he just goes. [panting] [laughter] Even the kid for a second was like, "Oh, are you about to have killed the grandpa?" I don't even know.
And then this kid goes in his pocket and lifts an applesauce covered fragr.
And I was like, it's been in his pocket the whole time. Children are disgusted.
This kid been running around with a pocket full of applesauce this entire museum trip.
[laughter] [applause] [cheering] And then running security goes Don't this kid. No words, no emotion in his eyes. You can tell he going to grow up to be a bad person.
This kid applesauce covered finger just went peep.
And so if a security guard is defenseless against a child, what do you expect them to do against actual robbers with angle rods that they just used to break into the second floor window?
Because the security ran up on them. No.
Hey, get out of here. None of that. And then they went security was like, you know what? Let us help you. Everybody out.
Everybody out. Everybody get out now.
Security made everybody get out but them. Don't you see these men working?
Get out.
[applause and cheering] They over here on time crunch and you over here. Oh, look at the jewels. Get out.
[laughter] In fact, there was a news report that cracked me up. I laughed so hard because the security report there was this person who I don't think they were like head of security for the the Lou or anything but they they were basically like it is uh it is museum security's number one job to make sure the people are safe and that's what they did. They made sure the people were safe. I was like, "M, you are changing the narrative right now."
Because anytime I got too close to a painting and I heard the and then I had somebody come over, it didn't seem like it was for my protection. You know what I mean?
It wasn't like they were running up.
Hey, hey, that one, that painting, that wakes up. Don't get close, please. [laughter] And so then, you know, robbers start grabbing everything, grabbing these like Napoleon era empire crown jewels, right?
They grab so much, they grab too much.
They actually grab so much they drop one. They drop one of the crowns outside.
>> And this is going to sound dumb. This is going to This This will sound dumb. So bear with me because I know it's going to sound dumb, but I don't think it's dumb. All right.
I thought truly even when I went to museums, for as many museums as I go to, I've been museums in Europe. I go to museums here. I like go to every museum that I can. I thought for certain that when you see something in a museum that that under certain circumstances is a replica.
I can tell by your reaction that some of y'all think I'm dumb and some of y'all think what I thought. I'm telling you right now, when I would go to the museum, I would admire the brush strokes. I'd admire everything, but I would be like, "This is the fake one, though." Like, this this has to be the fake one.
And I thought that because if you remember right before 2020 and even after the pandemic, you would have activists that would go to museums.
These, you know, climate activists would go to museums and they just throw like tomato soup on supposedly priceless paintings, right? They would go up to like a Van Go and be like blah. And then they glue themselves to the wall or something and then they would be like, "This is why we did this." And you will it you will have to listen to me for as long as it takes to unsuperlue my hand from the wall. Because people people who are climate activists feel like no one is listening to the point where the only thing that will get any attention or like stop people for a second to listen to them is just extreme acts that knock you out of whack. You know what I mean?
just things that you go, "What?
What? They did what? Why did they do that?" And then they get to explain.
It's like the better version of canvasing because they tried to canvas.
They really did. Everyone that cares about the climate tried to canvas and what did you do? You walk by them. They were like, "Do you have a minute for the planet?" And you were like, "I'm headed to work, please."
I was with a friend one time and look, I've stopped plenty of times. I can't stop every time. And so they were like, "Do you have a minute for the planet?"
And then my buddy was like, "No, we're good." And you know, kept walking. Have a good day. And this dude got really bad. The new campus was like, "You on the planet. You don't have a minute for the planet. You won't."
But that was happening a decent amount.
There were these supposedly priceless paintings. They were getting vandalized.
People throwing Campbell soup on them and everything. So that I was like, surely surely a museum would not allow Campbell soup to get thrown on the real one, like the regular one. Cuz the museum was always super chill about it.
The museum, they would like throw tomato soup on a van go and the museum be like, "Stuff happens. We going to get it off."
[laughter] You're going to what? You're going to get it off. Because when I when I got close, when I tried to smell the painting, I heard and then you came over. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
No smelling.
It was Get it off. No big deal. Or you would see things like you would see, I don't know about you, but the tomato soup that I eat got a little oil to it and you throw it on oil painting. It seems like it might leave a stain. I have no idea. But then you would see the museum come out and be like, "No permanent damage was done to the artwork." And I'm like, "How?
[laughter] I've dropped suits that were clear [laughter] on my hoodie before it had the stain forever.
How's this 200year-old acrylic painting fine?
It must be a fake." I used to think I used to think that look if you go to a museum and you see just the B like you could touch it that one can't be real but if you go to a museum and it's behind glass that's the real one cuz they bother to protect it. Why are you just bothering to protect some pieces?
That doesn't make sense to me.
So then in my head I was like those aren't the jewels.
You know what I mean? That's just color glass. These people so stupid they ran up in there and risked their freedom for some colored glass. And then the French government came out and said priceless items have been stolen from the And I was like that's the real joke.
Y'all didn't run any armed security around the real crown jewels.
[laughter] For a split second I felt like it was my money. I was like, "What are y'all doing?
Oh, I need to sit down. Price. You said it was priceless. And then right after saying it was priceless, they were like, it's about $100 million. Like, oh, seems like a price.
You said prices for a day and a half and then immediately y'all like, I think 103 probably at least round up to 110.
And then in my opinion, museum handled it wrong. You know, they were over here freaking out. Everybody, the French government, they they got everybody on it. They got like their version of the FBI. They have the local police. They have everybody on it. They plaster all the jewels that were missing all over international news and everything. If I was trying to save face, let's say I was head of museum security. I was trying to save face. I would come out to the public immediately immediately after the robbery and be like, "Y'all that was Banksy." You know, y'all know Banksy play too much.
But this is where I wish that they had done a better job of uh being creative, being inventive. You know, you've just been robbed. one of the boldest robberies that we've seen and you are the most visited museum in the world.
Why don't you just see this as a as a W?
You know what I mean? Instead of freaking out and and shutting down the whole wing and staying closed for a day, all you got to do is put that tape around the crime scene and make that an exhibit. We all want to see it.
bring people in. Make the security guards that didn't do their job, the tour guys just be like, it was four of them. They they ran up in here. I was like, "Hey, get out of here." And they were like, "Ving ving." I was like, "You right. All right. I'mma go.
I'mma go. I'mma go. I'mma go." But I'm telling everybody, and that's why I'm telling you now. And uh yeah, you can see the glass right here. Take a piece of glass home. You can take a piece of glass home if you want. The jewels used to be right there. That's crazy, right?
Jewels used to be just like and the light used to hit it like that, but then they brought the grinder and they [applause] But they were real.
That's why I'm doing this now. Or else I'd be fired. [laughter] No, that sucks.
It does. It sucks because like it's just going to turn museum security into TSA.
You know what I mean? Cuz look, this was as as far as museum security goes, this was their 9/11. So if you think you're just going to roll up in there and have a good time, that's always what's going to happen. You're going to show up and they're going to be like, "All right, shoes off."
They all going to have the wand now.
Oh, brutal stuff. [laughter] You going to walk in to your local museum. You're not even in France.
[laughter] But there's going to be that security guard takes his job extra serious and be like, "You're not going to get me. Not today." Hands down. Hands down. You know, I got a check.
You could have anything at that. You can have an angle grinder in your pants or something.
You know, we have some very expensive cups here.
[laughter] I love a tour guide at a museum cuz then they'll tell you how expensive something is. And at least with the pottery, maybe, look, maybe this is me not being cultured, but some of the pottery that's in museums and then they'll tell the story of how the pottery got to the museum. And then they'll be like, you know, we this this is worth easily $100,000. And I'll be like, no, it's not. [laughter] It's not like it isn't like it is not.
As much as it is here, it is not worth that.
Like the function of is like it is like it is here. Like it exists. Like it is it is here and it is not worth that.
And you know how it's not I I know it's not worth that. I know it's not worth that because No, you had to tell me how much it was cuz I thought it was worth nothing. I thought it was I thought y'all dug it up and brought it here cuz y'all were like, "This was just in the ground. Isn't that interesting?"
I bet you people aren't leaning over the register at the gift shop being like, "How much was that?" clay cup.
Mm. I only have 50,000 on me. Dang. I would have loved that clay cup that looked like a caveman did it.
Cuz I need to be clear here. The the I'm not just trying to be rude. The one that I'm talking about, it wasn't like some beautiful African art. It wasn't like a a a Greek pot or something that was painted with a story on it. It they it just looked lumpy. [laughter] It just looked lumpy to the point where I was like, even when they drank out of this, they there's no way they got the water on a consistent basis.
[laughter] You could tell it's primitive cuz it look like a cup that gulps. [laughter] Look like it pours when it wants to.
>> [laughter] >> lip of it all uneven and everything.
This is $100,000. I'm like, "All right.
All right.
You sure you didn't look at it too fast and add two extra zeros?" Because I don't think so.
There was a guy, there was really really uh rich guy apparently. I don't know. I don't know him, but everybody was saying how rich he was. And he got on the the Instagram to actually physically cry about the crown jewels being stolen.
[music] And he gave he gave this whole speech about how like the the robbers because there's this assumption that the robbers aren't going to be able to just sell the jewels they stole as is. There are plenty of people in the world that would pay the money it would take to sell them just as is. And maybe they just keep it and only they know they have it. But art collectors usually like to show off their collection and so they can't tell anybody. So it's better just go ahead and maybe melt it down, sell the jewels.
The jewels themselves are still very expensive.
In fact, you see where throughout [snorts] history pieces have been stolen. Mona Lisa was stolen before.
Pieces sometimes get stolen, but unless you can sell it to someone, what's it really worth? And so there's speculation that already these jewels have been melted down and being sold for parts or maybe pieces are being sold that might not be able to be traced back to the complete set. And this guy got on social and he was just crying.
Dude had to be in his like 50s, something like that. And then he was like is that crying where okay you know it was it was like the crying you do when you're little but you let yourself do it again when you get grown if something gets to you enough which is crazy cuz he went on he went online to cry but then was fighting the crying but he's fighting the cry in the camera but then just don't turn the camera on yet. Like if you like let it out real quick and then do your video.
You doing the video. Like no one putting the video in your face right now. You doing the video and you wait. Just wait. No one asked for this video. You could wait a day. You could wait till you're over it. Or you could just not do it. But this dude, this dude got some people just crying like they choking and it's just and then he said a bunch of stuff and he did say it in French. I don't speak French, so I'm going to paraphrase from what it from what everybody said he was saying. But I know he said some of this because a lot of people said he said it.
And then I know there's some of it that might be like editorializing what he said because I don't know if he said that cuz I don't speak any French. But he was but and then also he didn't even say what he said in French. Well, cuz he was crying through the whole thing like and look look to be fair maybe some of that was crying and maybe a little bit of that was the accent. Maybe some of that was the accent cuz there are certain people that when they speak French they do seem upset for no reason.
So then that's like that was that a cry or was that one? Were you saying one just now? Were you like or is that you trying to hold it together? Cuz you that's why you should have way to make the big That's a cry. That was not French. That one. [laughter] And what this dude basically said was that you you didn't just steal from the Lou.
You stole from the French people. You stole a piece of our heritage. You stole a piece of our history. And if you melt that down, if you repurpose that, if you sell that, you will burn in hell because you have stolen from the people. And I'm sure, I'm almost positive, I don't know everyone who's seen the video. I just know that I saw it. But I'm sure if you saw that video and you were from Africa or Brazil or just anywhere.
[applause] I'm sure you watched it and you were like, Oh no.
Someone stole a piece of your heritage.
What are you going to do?
[laughter] Someone in Sri Lanka is like not France.
No, what are you going to do? And look, I can understand if you are from some of those other countries, if you're from like an African country or something like that, if you're from Haiti and you see this thing that you might be like, "Oh, no, not the Lou. They have our stuff, too. Did they steal our stuff?
Now it's going to be harder to find cuz that's also what was there." So now, oh no, [applause] someone stole it.
I just love the story so much. I love like I love the robbers cuz look they cuz they even showed up.
They weren't just dressed as a construction outfit. They had on the you know what I mean the thing mask and the top and bottom you know the the they were wearing the baklava.
[laughter] I don't know. I just I love this crime so much cuz it feels a lot like it feels a lot like somebody that runs a trap house robbing robbing a stash house. And then the person from the stash house is like, "We got to call the police. I can't believe somebody would steal from us. This is unacceptable behavior.
We stole all this stuff fair and square.
This was ours and [applause and cheering] then they took it from us in an act of injustice.
[applause] [applause] [cheering] Stanford, y'all have been amazing. Thank you so much. I appreciate y'all.
[cheering] [applause] I hope you have a phenomenal time. Okay, I'm just going to sort of throw this out there. I love coming to Arizona. I love visiting all the different parts. I was just in Tucson and everything. Um, I I will say though, as a state, y'all got to decide which of the restaurants are just fronts. Like just absolutely not a business at all. [laughter] I was in Tucson and we walked into a restaurant that they look very surprised we could walk in. They seem [laughter] we walk in and not only are there not any other customers is three people that are towards the back towards the kitchen. Not in the kitchen, like outside the kitchen at the last booth just counting money.
[laughter] If you run a business, your eyes should never be wide when you see a customer.
[laughter] I We walk in, everybody [laughter] just looking caught.
I was with Dave. Dave was like, "Are y'all open?" [laughter] And in my head I was like, "If you have to ask [laughter] and they were like uh first of all, if you open just say yes. That's this is crazy." They were like, "Uh, yeah. Yeah, sit anywhere. [laughter] Why are you saying it like you just thought of that?" Like then we sit down and [laughter] one of them walks up, we never see the other two again. The one of them walks up and he got one menu. [laughter] He was like, "Hey, uh, yeah." I [laughter] mean, get whatever you want.
the [clears throat] He is gone for a while. [laughter] He's gone. And like you could tell he was talking to other ones, but so everybody whispered, but they're doing the loudest whispering I've heard in a long time. They're doing that panic whispering cuz there's whispering with like And then there's the whispering they were doing. IT'S LIKE [laughter] locked it [laughter] and finally comes back up. He's like, "Hey, you decided on anything?" And I was like, "Yeah, could could we get some guacamole?" And he was like, [laughter] and then he left and he was he was gone he was gone for way longer than it takes to school guacamole. He [laughter] I'm not complaining. I'm just noticing. I was like, "All right, he already left us for quite a while after he gave us a menu and now he's been gone for way longer."
And then I see him cuz in my head I'm like, "Oh, maybe he's making the guacamole. Maybe they're making it from scratch. Maybe it's one of those places." And sure enough, I see him walk out of the kitchen with a big old metal bowl and you can hear him stirring the bowl and everything. Stirring. Stirring.
And I think he's about to walk to our table. He doesn't at all. This man walks out of the kitchen, is stirring the bowl, stirring the bowl, then walks up to the bar and grab some some salt from the bar and start shaking it in the bowl. And I was like, "Your kitchen doesn't have salt."
[laughter] Seemed like salt would be the first thing in the kitchen. The only way that could have been worse is if he had walked up to my table and grabbed the salt.
[laughter] Then he went back to the kitchen and I guess kept stirring. [laughter] It was it was a it was a while. It was one of those things where I just started contemplating about how long it really takes to make guacamole. I'm like in my head I'm like, would I have made it faster at home?
It feels like this restaurant was such a front that when we ordered the guacamole, he went to the back and he was like, "Listen, I made a list. You got to go to grocery store right now.
[laughter] All right, get two avocados, get one onion, one tomato, a little bit of pepper.
Where's the salt?" [laughter] And then he finally brought out the guacamole. And it was it was funny the way he did it because he clearly made the guacamole, then slid it all into a cup, shook the cup real hard, and then put it down upside down cuz it was like a tower of guacamole.
It was an upside down cup of guacamole on the plate with the chips all around.
And like this is this just me noticing.
I'm really not complaining, but it was enough chips.
[laughter] It It was clearly whatever chips were in the bag that was in the bag because it was [laughter] it wasn't the amount of chips you would need to finish this cup of guacamole stacked upside down. And the chips chips were interesting.
They all had different consistency and everything. At a certain point, here's the thing about a chip for me. When I dip a chip in guacamole, just give it some strength. [laughter] I hate to dip into guacamole and have it snap in front of me and then I look crazy. [laughter] I look like I don't know how to eat, making me look greedy just because your chip doesn't have strong corners.
So, you know, take the chip, scoop some out, doesn't snap. Already a good sign.
And uh guacamole was actually phenomenal. It was like [laughter] it was actually really really good. It was crazy.
And so he was gone for a while and then he comes back up like five 5 10 minutes later and he's like, "Uh, how is it?"
And we were telling we were commenting like, "This is actually really good."
And we shouldn't have said actually, but under the circumstance, you mean like just under the circumstance that y'all look surprised to see us. So, how are we supposed to know the guacamole would be good? You look like you didn't plan on making any today. [laughter] We were like, this is actually phenomenal. This is really, really good.
And he was like, "Thanks, man.
Wow. Thank you." And I was like, "Wait, what? [laughter] Why do you seem like you really needed to hear that right now?
It was crazy.
It's like, yeah, man. Just thank you.
Thank you, dog.
Appreciate it. Did y'all Did y'all want to order something else? I will let you know before y'all order any cook food.
[laughter] Our chef did leave. All right.
I don't know when he going to be back.
>> [laughter] >> It's like, all right, yeah, I guess y'all are a regular restaurant. That's [laughter] fair enough.
Um, there's that and then there's, you know, especially when we were in uh Tucson.
Tucson, it felt like everybody was kind of trying to be healthy. [laughter] There was there was so many like salad bowl places, but then there was a ice cream store next to every salad bowl place. This is the most ice cream stores per capita.
I There were ice cream stores across the street from each other, like rivals.
[laughter] And then while we were deciding where we were going to eat, you know, after we didn't eat, >> [laughter] >> This dude was on a scooter and uh he he he took a spill, right? He was on a scooter and I don't know. I've never been a fan of these like bird scooters.
These like you the one that you can just as a pedestrian hop on and ruin your life. [laughter] You know, you know what I'm talking about. You know the scooter that's just parked. You feel like you're stealing it. Like if it if it didn't take your phone to unlock it, you'd be like, "This is a crime I'm doing right now."
[laughter] And the thrust, how is it how is it built? Remember those scooters from when we were little that just had the like the like brake on the very end of the back wheel? It's somehow that scooter mixed with the throttle from a motorcycle cuz why why did they make them go so fast? You got people driving next to cars on the schooner or just murdering pedestrians [laughter] cuz there's no there's no tutorial.
All you need is a credit card and you could just become a bullet. [laughter] This insane.
There's no there's no video to watch or anything. You just get off. Wee.
[laughter] I'm going to say some things that are a bit conflicting in in nature at least.
Like we saw a guy take a spill on one of these scooters cuz why wouldn't you, right? And the way he the way this man crash didn't make any physical sense [laughter] because he he definitely crashed like went over the handlebars, right? But by the time we turned and saw and saw him, do you remember planking?
[laughter] This man did a mix of planking and a stop motion music video because [laughter] he didn't just slide up to us on the ground. He really like uh uh uh uh uh uh uh like his whole body kept trying to stop on the pavement. I know that hurt.
Uh uh uh uh uh [laughter] uh uh.
glasses flew forward, flew off his head.
Glasses weren't done flying.
I don't know what I said. I was like, "Oh my gosh." Like, and I don't know. I wish I was a hero. I was I was one of those types of people that like springs into action. That's not who I am at all. I just kept standing there like, "Ooh, [laughter] wow.
You look hurt. [laughter] This is not It's not good at all. It's not right what I did. And I didn't mean to do anything and I didn't do anything to help. I just Whoa.
[laughter] My buddy My buddy picked up his glasses, walked up to him, and was like, "Hey, are you okay?" You know, and this is this is the thing as as men, like just as guys, right? For real. just it's okay to be hurt.
I don't just mean that in some sort of like metaphorical. I mean like if you get hurt, it is all right to be like, "Ow." [laughter] Cuz we basically watched this man die. [laughter] But then when we asked him if he was okay after he got done sliding and he realized we saw that we were like, "Are you all right?" this bad in front of us just started doing push-ups, [laughter] dog. No. No. No. [laughter] You're not going to convince us that this was part of the plan. That's only only a man only a man could like do something like only a man could like wreck a car, fly out the windshield, wrap himself around a tree, and then grab a branch and be like one. Like, [laughter] in what world?
You must be out of your mind doing push-ups. Then my buddy walked up with his glasses and then handed him his glasses. He was about to leave his glasses.
>> He was about to get back all this cuz here's the thing. This is one thing that I can say I relate to with with with my man here. When I fall, I also want to make sure that I never see the people who saw me fall again. [laughter] When I fall, if I if I fall in front of you, it's either me or you. I got to kill you now. And I I hate that. I hate But one of us has to go. [laughter] This is too embarrassing. And so my man was about to drive off on the scooter. He just fell from [laughter] I assume he needs glasses if he's wearing glasses.
This man was about to get back off the scooter blind and drive off just to not be in front of us anymore. [laughter] And my buddy walks up, hands his glasses back to him, and he's like, "Yeah, that thing got me. Just got me." My buddy was like, "The curve?" [laughter] Yeah, it tends to do that. Like, you got to really pick street or sidewalk. [laughter] The curb is kind of the only thing keeping those two apart. [laughter] And then we noticed like he actually, you know, from all the sliding, he actually did scrape his chin pretty hard. So his his chin was bleeding there. My buddy even say he's like, "Oh, um, you're you're bleeding, right?" And then he goes, "I know. [laughter] No, you can't out tough blood.
>> [laughter] >> I was insight.
>> But I've been having a great time in Arizona, you know.
>> It's been It's been very fun. [applause] Can I tell you? [laughter] It has been cracking me up. Apparently, um, it looks like Margie Taylor Green is going to step down in January, RIGHT? [cheering] [applause] LOOK, y'all cheer, but there that means there's room for somebody crazier.
That's so wild.
[laughter] Woo! next person shows up, [laughter] you're like, "Oh, maybe maybe not."
Cuz this is my thing. It's It is very funny to me that it took this little resistance for Margie Taylor Green to be like, "You know what? I'm up out of here." [laughter] I don't know. I don't know. The rumor is that Margie Taylor Green wanted to run for Senate and Trump said he wouldn't support her for Senate. that he'd only support if she stayed in her house position. Now, I don't know if that's because of the the fact that they need the numbers where where they are or because he doesn't believe that she could win the entire state. Whatever it is, he told her no and he [clears throat] and then something changed.
He told her no and then something changed between them. You know what I mean? Like like she was like, "I think I want to go to the Senate." And Trump said no. And then she was like, "Oh my god, you're in the Epstein Files." Like it was like [laughter] it was pretty CRAZY [cheering] [applause] >> cuz she has been a like [laughter] she's been tackling all the addictive nature of somebody who wanted something and didn't get it. You know what I mean?
cuz now she she won't like fully fully come out against him and say like, "Oh, you are covering up. You specifically."
She keeps acting confused. I don't know why.
[laughter] >> No, no, no. If you ever if you ever date anybody like Bar Gray, you already know the tactic. I don't know why.
Isn't that weird? I think it's kind of funny how LIKE [laughter] isn't that crazy that he just like won't release the Epstein f like and I'm not even saying he did anything. I'm just saying isn't it crazy that it kind of looks like that cuz he's like protesting too much. [laughter] Nah no.
And then then it came to a head then you know Trump attacked her back and everything. You know, y'all saw this woman's crazy. You know, it's what a lot of people say about their exes.
You know what I mean? It's like, [laughter] I can't believe she's a lunatic. All this stuff.
And then she was like, "OH, I'M CRAZY."
>> [laughter] >> THAT'S THE THING ABOUT CALLING SOMEBODY crazy who might actually be crazy is that [laughter] they always they never take it well, but they take it better than you think they're going to take it. They have a crazy reaction to it. It's like, "Oh, I'm crazy. Fine." It's like, "What does that mean?"
>> [laughter] >> And then then she just kept going. She just kept, you know, beating that Epstein drum. He kept coming after her.
Then he called her a traitor. Who would have thought that traitor hurt more than crazy Jeremy? This man was calling her a lunatic. Called her every type of uh out of her name, out of your mind thing you can say about a person. And then he finally said she was a traitor and she was like, "Whoa, I didn't know the gloves were off.
[laughter] That was CRAZY [laughter] because then she had a press conference." This is She had press conference and then behind her were a bunch of Epstein survivors.
Yeah. Like a bunch of a bunch of women who were like, "No, we've publicly been calling for the release of Epstein files forever." And then Marjorie standing right in front of them, got the microphones WAY TOO HIGH.
>> [laughter] [laughter] >> THEY SHOULD HAVE GIVEN her a stool or something. That was [laughter] I don't even like her and that wasn't fair. That was Is she the shortest person that's ever lived? Why would they do that?
>> [laughter] >> That's insane that they even let the just one step stool would have fixed that whole situation. They let her walk up.
[laughter] Who knows? Maybe they tried to help her.
Maybe they did. Maybe they were like they were like, "You really should, you know, to get to the lectern and you should probably have a little steps do something like that." She was like, "No, now the truth will make me tall.
>> [laughter] >> No, I'm sure I'm sure she said something like that. [laughter] Then she got up there and now she got to talk up. [laughter] The pre the the president [laughter] the president called me a a traitor.
[laughter] Anytime you talk under the mic, you do sound like a munchkin. Like it's just like it [laughter] does.
>> The the president called ME A TRAITOR.
LET ME TELL you what a traitor is.
>> I was really trying to take her serious the whole time, but you even saw the women behind her be like, "Oh, [laughter] and she almost there was a moment. Look, maybe it's wishful thinking on my part.
I'm willing to admit that. But there's a moment where I could swear she almost said president [snorts] Jeremy like like there's a moment in the she's she's eluding. She doesn't say it. She still doesn't quite say it but she's over here. A a traitor [laughter] is a pre it is someone that sells this country out [laughter] and billions of dollars to Argentina.
Like Marger just say his name. Who else did that?
JB, that's like when you live with a girlfriend. They're like, "Somebody didn't take out the trash last night."
It's like, "Well, it's only two of us here. So, if you're not saying it's you, why don't you just call me out then?"
>> [laughter] >> No. And then she says she's stepping down in January.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
It's weird. It's weird.
It is cuz it's like she she did like I like I will say so I'm trying to figure out how to put this. She she did in undergo a lot of um harsh treatment from people based on Trump attacking her. Like when Trump attacked her, a lot of like MAGA itself seemed to turn on her in a way that I'm just I'm just saying this as a spectator. Not taking any sides. I'm just saying. [laughter] It does seem a little weird and unfair that you attack her now when she's like, "How about we release the Epstein files?"
She's getting all sorts of threats and everything, all sorts of attacks and stuff. And then she went on she went on CNN trying to I guess do like some sort of like image rehabilitation or something like that.
And she gets on there she's like I'm I'm sorry for the toxic politics that I've been a part of. Had I'm pretty sure it was data bash. Data bash is over here like all right well I have a list to go through. Uh, [laughter] we're not just going to let you keep it vague like that. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, Margie Taylor Green saying, "I'm sorry for like the toxic politics I've engaged in."
What do you mean? That's most of what you did. Like, it's that would be like Jeffrey Dmer coming out and being like, "I'm sorry for the bites I took." Like, it's [cheering] >> [laughter] >> Whoa, you are grossly understating your impact on the community.
This is wild, you know.
Then she just started going down the list like, "Are you sorry for when you uh liked a bunch of tweets about putting people to death?"
[laughter] And he's like, "You know what? I would love to move forward. I already [laughter] deleted a lot of those tweets." And yeah, that was it was wild.
You know, [clears throat] it was it was it was very funny to watch to me cuz I was just like I was like, "All right, look, maybe maybe she's like changing or maybe she just really want that Senate seat. Like maybe she's really upset that that Senate seat's not going to happen." And then she's asked about that. It's like I'm I'm hearing that, you know, some of your break from Trump wasn't necessarily a change.
ideology. It was the fact that you wanted to run for Senate and he said no.
And then she was like, "That's absolutely untrue.
[laughter] I haven't even talked to the president about that."
[laughter] And then she talks about how she's been getting all these these threats and everything. And look, I will say no, nobody should be getting like, you know, threats online or or any of that stuff like like sometimes it happens to somebody that's not a particularly good person. So, you do care a bit less. But overall, [laughter] overall, no matter who it happens to, the whole idea of of being better [clears throat] than the idea of doing something is you actually have to be better. You know what I mean? If you're on the side that's better, you have to be better. You have to act better. And sometimes that just means like not engaging in the thing. You don't It shouldn't be a race to the bottom. And it is wild that people talk about like a violent radical left all the time, but somebody just sort of like sick the right on Marjorie Taylor Green and she was like, "Yeah, I think I'm good. I don't know.
>> [laughter] >> these people have guns.
And it does just blow my mind that that like really took me a back the irony there, you know, like when Okay, [clears throat] I didn't know this dude personally, but there was a there was the story that I was told when I was living in uh Chicago about this dude that basically All right, it shouldn't make me laugh cuz I'm glad it didn't happen to me.
But there was a guy in Chicago who I I used to live in Rogers Park and there was a dude apparently in like Edgewater area, which is a little bit south of where I lived, that would uh he would rob people, right? And the way he robbed people is he just had like three rocks and a sock and he [laughter] would JUST >> [laughter] >> And it is. I don't know. It's like that's terrifying. That's [laughter] I don't know. I'm not saying a gun would be better, but a gun would be conventional, [laughter] you know, like [clears throat] is is a is an upsetting idea that you could be robbed in a sort of David Goliath type situation. [laughter] You know, nobody prepares for that.
You know what I mean? If if somebody has a knife, you like, "No." Okay, they mean business. Right? If somebody got three rocks in a sock, [laughter] you like, "Are they serious?"
And so he would so he would rob people, right? And uh he did this like off and on in the area for like a month and a half. like people would just talk about I I used to work at a a grocery store that was like in that area so people would just be talked about at work and everything.
And then finally um there was one one day he tried to rob somebody with this rocks in his sock but they had a shovel. [laughter] Apparently they hit him with a shovel and took five wallets off of them.
[laughter] That's a version of what Margie Taylor Green must be going through. You know what I mean? It's like [laughter] she had did all this stuff for so long and now finally she the one getting threats and she's like these people are crazy. [laughter] It was really upsetting stuff.
[laughter] I don't know. Yeah. I don't even know where she'll go after this cuz a lot of people move from government to like the private sector. They do a lot of speaking engagements and stuff like that. They do a lot of I don't know.
[laughter] I really don't. You know what I mean?
Who's going to hire Marge Taylor Green for a speaking engagement? [laughter] I mean, I'm sure there's organizations out there. They're like, "Yeah, go up there and tell them how everybody's a lizard. Go ahead.
[laughter] >> [laughter] >> What you have to understand about the lizard people [laughter] that they have and wear skin just like ours.
They walk amongst us.
[laughter] >> [laughter] >> No, [clears throat] I have I also I've been trying my best to um improve, you know. I I've been trying to like work out and stuff. I feel like some of my friends that have worked out have seen progress and I was like, I would like some progress. So, I started working out. But nobody tells you, man. Nobody tells you that working working out should be something I do more often or not at all. Like it's it's crazy you because you'll want you'll want to I used to want to get big. I used to want to be like a like a big guy. Every year I have hope.
[laughter] Hope is a hell of a drug. Every every year I got hope. I'mma turn all around this year, you know, and it's like I'm going to be like a bigger dude.
It's not I don't know. I'm not saying it's not going to happen as I'm going to stop trying. I'm saying it's not going to happen as I'm like I'm have to accept that I'm done growing.
So whatever I do from here on out is just going to be more horizontal than vertical, [laughter] you know? So it's like even if I got big now, that'd be bad. I didn't get tall.
I'm not tall. So then I would just be wide. So then I And a wide muscular guy is on no one's list. There's no one that's th Oh, I can't wait to get to that stout fit man.
I love that build of the guy who looked like he work out for the circus. I love that. [laughter] It's never been said by anybody cuz you wouldn't even if you got really fit but you were like still I don't know like regular height to short. It is funny when you're regular height. Like apparently I'm regular height. I I didn't even check. Somebody just told me that. But they were told they they did tell me that when when I was having a bad day, so it might not even be true.
Like it's [laughter] I didn't even I wasn't even bummed out about my height. I was having a bad day.
They were like, "You regular height?"
And I was like, "That's a weird thing to bring up."
[laughter] But there's no there's no way like it just as a man there's no way to be regular height.
You're short. [laughter] Cuz when you even say I'm regular height, that's a short thing to say.
Do you ever do you know how little you look screaming I'm regular? [laughter] You look like you lost six inches right there standing standing up with your back because you got your back straight so that you get all your kite credit.
You know what [laughter] I mean? Because of you mad too. Anytime you get mad but you got to look up a little, it makes you look shorter than you are too.
Like tall men may always seem like a threat but at least people take them seriously when they're angry. You know, like if you regular height and you get mad and you're like, I'm regular.
[laughter] No, no, no. You're a little guy now, you know.
And so I've been working out, but it's like I don't know. Nothing's happening.
[clears throat] Nothing's happening. You know, like you be like, "Oh yeah, work."
I'll even see other people's transformation video where they're like, I worked out for 8 months and look at me now and look at me then and it's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, let's let's try that.
And then you go to the gym and it just hurt. [laughter] They leave that out that it's going to just hurt the whole time. Everything you want to do hurt.
Like you want big arms, going to have to hurt your arms for a while. You basically have to hurt your arms three times a week and make sure you eat enough steak but don't have a heart attack.
It is crazy. Do you know what I mean?
It's like, oh, get all your protein in.
It's like, all right, but what if I'm ready to throw up? Like, [laughter] I can only eat so much. I'm regular height.
You can't fit all the food in you. You need to be bigger. If you want to be bigger with muscle, you could be you could be bigger just in in general. You could just start with Oreos and never stop and then you would be a I could be a bigger man that way. Yes. But I was trying to do it like all m you know that back of the arm muscle. [laughter] Do you know that one that like flexes when you point?
Let's try and get one of those.
I mean hopefully two. You would hate to just have one. [laughter] Be terrible.
Be terrible. You out here working out.
Working your hardest, too. You know, you just working doing pull-ups and pushes.
We got to figure out which one of these exercises work.
You know what I mean? Some of them are like functional. Like some like I understand a a deadlift to me makes sense cuz it's picking up the heavy >> [laughter] >> That's the dumbest way I could have said it, but it's true.
A deadlift is just you pick up heavy and then if you pick up heavy, strong.
[laughter] This must have been how the caveman said it. You know what? I mean, this this must have been how like when you when they were first inventing working out, when they were like, "Oh, your life isn't that hard, so you're not as strong as us. So, if you want to get as strong as us, you have to simulate it." They didn't say simulate. That word wasn't invented yet. But like you have to simulate it by doing as much work as we do, but just doing it in like little intervals. They wouldn't have said intervals either, but they were just like pick up big then strong, right?
[laughter] And then somebody picked it up again and they picked it up again and then they picked it up to a point where it was easy and was like, "All right, I'm strong." Now that is strong, you know. And it's always nice, especially if you're regular height, to be strong [laughter] cuz nobody expects it. That I don't know what it is we do. I don't know why we do this, but there is a certain a certain amount of help needed on the shelf. We assume that person also can't pick up stuff [laughter] because they made I don't know why they did this, by the way, but they made a a shelf at the grocery store that is one finger higher [laughter] than regular height.
It's what? It's one you cuz you can touch it.
This is Oh, this is extra embarrassing when you can t you.
[laughter] And now you got to strategically finger a cereal box. [laughter] [cheering and applause] And you can't even you can't cuz you can't cuz you try to use your two fingers. You try using two fingers to like clamp the sides and pull you [laughter] and then pull back. Right. But if you can't clamp it, you have to try to slide it and then knock it over on your own head. [laughter] Nine times I've knocked a box into my own face and now somebody turned the corner. I'm stay at a grocery store holding my eye [laughter] acting like I'm not hurt.
Caught a corner in the eye. [laughter] Corner of a serial p. I don't know. Why would they do that? It's crazy.
Why would you do that? No one likes it.
Just stop using that shelf.
Put put an ad on that shelf. I'll look up. [laughter] Stop doing that. Cuz then it puts us both in a terrible position.
Puts us both in a very bad position. Cuz now I got to ask a tall man for help.
I'd rather die. [laughter] Now I got to ask a tall man to help me like I'm his child.
[laughter] I don't know him.
And then he got to help me or else he evil.
I have a like I do have a tall friend who gets asked all the time for stuff like that and he doesn't do it at all.
And I'm like, you know how many people just wish a death on you? Like [laughter] do you know how many people you over you over here walking down the aisle and there's just little people, can you get the pickles? And [laughter] you over here, nah, I'm good. Like that's a crazy thing. It's you like it's your day. You should be able to do what you want with your day. But that is a crazy way to respond.
Somebody needs help because the grocery store ran out of space. I guess they had to build up. So they made a skyscraper shelf that nobody can reach up. So then you reach up as hard as you can. And you over here [laughter] trying to caress this jar of pickles so you can hopefully catch some glass in the face.
[laughter] This is terrible. One time, okay, this is really bad. This is Oh, I was furious. There was this one time I was at grocery store and I just needed some taco seasoning, right? And they put it on the highest shelf in the spice aisle.
It's over here. I'm I'm And this was one of those ones where they sell the packets, all the packets individually, but they they sell it as um an individual thing, even though the box comes with all the packets in it. So then the people that work at the grocery store, I know cuz I used to do this when I worked at the grocery store, they rip the top of the box and then all of the packets are just in there, right? And so it's at the top of the shelf because somebody is Satan. And so then they put this one at the top. And so I'm reaching up and I'm trying to the only thing I can think to do is just go ahead and try to get my finger in the box so I can slide the whole thing out, grab one, and then put it back. Right. And so I pull I pull the whole thing down. The whole thing starts coming down. I get ready to catch it with my hand, but I guess one of these packets was defective cuz it was at least like halfway open. So as I look up and I get seasoned in the eyes.
The ingredients of some of this taco seasoning is heinous. This is cayenne pepper. This is paprika. Everything red.
Everything red and dry is in the package. So then I catch seasoning in the eyes. I start screaming. Right.
[laughter] Look at that. Look at Look at what y'all done now. Cuz y'all wanted this extra shelf. I'm screaming in the spice, [laughter] begging for help.
No. No. Cuz now tall person tall person walk by.
I hate when somebody told offer me help, too.
[laughter] Get away from me.
I'm doing it. All right. [laughter] Especially Ooh. Doesn't get me like when I almost got it. Like the like [laughter] edge is about to slide off the top of the sh. I almost got it. And then walk up. Do you need help? Where were you 45 seconds ago?
Now you want to help now that all the work's been done.
[laughter] I don't actually I don't actually hate tall men. [laughter] I'm like I'm like mostly joking.
I am. I am. I did. I do have a friend.
He's like he's 6'3 and one time he was crying and I and I didn't feel bad for him.
[laughter] You know what I mean? I I was like, "Come on, man. [laughter] What are you so bummed out about?" You know what I mean?
So sad. Ooh.
Cuz he also cried tall. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Like he was [laughter] and has a deeper register cuz of, you know, out here crying like he like he at the [clears throat] top of a bean stalk or something. [laughter] [clears throat] What are you crying for? just stand up like soon as you stand up be like, "Oh, yeah." [laughter] No, no, no. I understand. I'm clearly joking. Tall people do have problems like door frames.
[laughter] Right before the pandemic, I got real fit. That was the fittest I'd ever been in my life. like I was running and it wasn't even an emergency. [laughter] There's only two reasons to run, you know, from or to, [laughter] you know, but I was running cuz when I started running, I wasn't good at running at all. And I don't mean that I fell. I I could run like I was running but I wasn't a good runner in that when I would run for exercise like let's say I was just out having to run it did look like an emergency to the people who were witnessing me run like they weren't like he is jogging they were like uh-oh [laughter] like cuz I don't I don't run well I run like it's the start of the disaster movie. Like I like I I run like I found out about the zombies first and I left everybody and just let them like the first zombie bit somebody and I was like, "Okay."
[laughter] And I dipped out cuz the way that I start running is not good. Like the way So cuz when I start running cuz it feels dumb to start running at all.
You know what I mean? When you already running, especially if you're like if you're if you're fit or if you're just like a general like hot person or if you got good stride, running looks good on you. You know, you see you see people like when people run the marathon and they're doing that like kick as they you know that like what is that?
I've never seen somebody run so efficiently, you know, but to start running and and it's not a race. You're just running because you wanted to.
This is your workout and you decide you're going to run today and you know you don't want to start running like it's a like it's actual. You don't want to bend down and [laughter] that seems very dumb.
So the way that I start running it just doesn't look good. It's like like [laughter] I start running like I just started running. Like it's it looks bad when you see it. It doesn't help that I look behind me. [laughter] Yeah. Just start running. There was one time I was running for a workout and I I had been running all week. So, I had been doing a couple miles all week. So, by this like fifth, sixth day, I was actually super comfortable with running.
I didn't feel as dumb doing it because I had been doing it for so long. I was like, I'm I'm getting there. I get a couple miles in every day. Get home.
I've worked out. This is great, right?
And then I was like, you know what I'm going to do now that I've built up a sort of tolerance around getting started. I got my confidence up. I'm gonna try to run faster and a little further than I have the other days. I think this is how people get fit.
[laughter] And so I take off, right? And I take off exact like we talked about. This is still how I start running, [laughter] right?
But I take off running. And as I take off running, I start like kicking, you know, trying to do the like stride kick.
I see the runners do in the marathon or in like clips on Instagram, stuff like that. I'm really trying to run and then I'm picking up speed because I'm like, look, I can stop running whenever I want, so I might as well run as hard as I can, right? And so I was running, running, running. Then I noticed this guy behind me. And it was like he was running the same way that I was running. So I was like, "Oh, I wonder if that Forest Gump thing is happening." [laughter] Do you know what I mean? like I wonder if I'm oozing so much confidence I didn't got a follower.
And so then I I start running a little harder and then he's also running behind me a little bit harder and we're both running in a way that like we're running together but we're still we're still decently apart and everything and finally I'm starting to get a little tired. I'm like okay I mean I don't want to let him down but I do want to stop now. Like it's I don't I don't I'm not buil for the Forest Gum thing at all.
Like I don't think I could run long enough to start an entire run club or anything like that. I really didn't even want to do two miles. But I keep running, keep running, and now I'm like panting, [clears throat] but now I'm really pushing. And then they they talk about hitting a wall and like a runner's high and stuff like that. I didn't feel any of that. It was all pain. It was all just like I got that stitch in my side, you know, like where your side starts to stab you because it's like, "What are you doing? Why you running stupid? We're not meant to run. Sit down." [laughter] And so then my side starts hurting, but then I'm holding my side as I'm running, which then looks really bad. Like if it looked bad when I start running, seeing me run to [laughter] and then I finally slow down enough that this guy catches up to me and I'm winded and he's winded, too. I'm like, "Oh, okay. So, he's just like me.
>> We're both getting started running. This is amazing. I've made a friend running. This I've all said in my head.
This is I'm I'm too winded to speak.
But I'm like doubled over.
He's He's doubled over. And then finally he says something. He's like, "Uh, [clears throat] what was it?"
[laughter] [cheering] [laughter] And I was like, "What was what?" He was like, "What did you say?" [laughter] What? What do you mean? He's like, "I saw you and I thought something bad must have happened.
[laughter] [laughter] >> [laughter] [laughter] >> You know, you know who works out hard?
Margie Taylor Green.
>> [laughter] >> I think that makes her even scarier because it's like usually when you meet somebody who believes a bunch of conspiracy theories, they've been like, you know what I mean? [laughter] And separated from society and in a basement for too long. You never meet anybody strong who's like, "Hey, have you heard about the lizard people?" [laughter] Okay. All right. This is very uncomfortable because you could also kill me. Like there's a there's a young woman named uh Riley Gaines, right? And Riley Gaines is is famous because she was a swimmer and basically in I guess the biggest competition of her life, she placed fifth and a trans woman placed fourth.
And so she's like, "Oh, if if if that if that athlete was not in the race, I would have qualified and gone on to the next stage." And and that's like um that's like the hill she's dying on.
That's like that like started her political career. And then that's why she gets invited to all these speak engagements. And it is it is wild to me that you would tell so many people you were never going to win. Like that's that's >> [laughter] >> That's crazy. Cuz here's the thing.
Here's the thing. Fifth fifth means you weren't close. Like fifth like [applause] fifth is crazy. Like that's [laughter] you know what I mean? You you don't even have a like a silver medal type of bone to pick. It's like you [laughter] they don't make podiums for where you were going to place.
If this person even if this person was not in your way All right. You still can't swim as good as other people.
[laughter] Like to be fair, look, I can't I can't swim at all. I'm not a swimmer, right? I'm not I'm not a swimmer at all. I'm trying to learn, but it just it feels like I'm fighting the water [laughter] when I'm in there, but I don't broadcast it. You know what I mean? Like I like I I'm telling you right now for the sake of the conversation that we're having that I can't swim. But I don't do speaking engagements where I'm like I can't even swim that well.
Pay me [laughter] pay me money because I came in fifth which is not close to first [laughter] man.
It's like and just I don't know. was like cuz there's a very like um there's a very hateful approach to a lot of the things that she says and it's like but you you in theory wouldn't you be thanking this person because this person that's the reason that you say you came in fifth if they weren't there you would have come in fourth and then you just wouldn't be that great of a swimmer you'd have nothing to talk about like you like [laughter] this person gave you a career now you and travel the country being like, "I can't believe [applause] I came in fifth because of this trans person.
This trans person is why I came in fifth." [applause] Cuz no one would give you money for a speaking engagement if you were like, "I came in fourth against all these sis women.
What's someone going to do about that?"
[laughter] Just throwing it out there.
No, you weren't close.
[laughter] Fifth is [clears throat] like, look, I'm not saying fifth is bad.
I would have come in last, [laughter] but fifth is not close to there's several people.
[laughter] There's several people between you and uh winning.
A substantial amount of people.
[laughter] There were enough people in between you and winning to pull you out of the water if you were drowning. Like that's [applause and cheering] crazy amount of distance between you and number one. [laughter] That's just a fact. It's a fact that you admit when you do speaking engagements where you're like, "Oh, I was so close to kind of qualifying."
[laughter] And that's just cuz they take the top four. If they decide to take top three, you you would [laughter] you'd be even further from I don't know. It's a lot of money to make to be a failure. Like [laughter] your whole thing is swimming.
Your whole thing is swimming and you didn't do it. [laughter] Like you swam like you didn't drown but like you [laughter] it just feels like that's what a lot of this stuff is, you know? It's a it's a lot of an attachment to uh someone to blame for something you were never going to get anyway. You know, like that's that's what a lot of it is. It's like [applause and cheering] it's like sometimes I'll see people even even with the idea of like uh like taking jobs, right? Oh, they're coming this country. They're taking the jobs.
And it's like, yeah, okay, take they're taking the jobs.
What do you do?
>> Do you know what I mean? Like, it's it's weird when it's like an assistant manager at like a Wendy's being like, they're taking the jobs. It's like, yeah, but not this job. Like, what's [laughter] like some of the people that are so mad?
I'm like, "Yes, but they that they are not in between you and the thing that you want. The the person in between you and the thing that you want is the person who already has it.
Is someone doing better than you?
Is someone doing better than you that has it?" So if you if you wanted a better job, the person that you should be mad at is the person that gives out the better jobs. the person who is willing to do any job is doing worse than you.
>> It's weird to blame them when they don't they don't affect you at all. Not like that.
>> So then [applause] you [cheering] the person you should be mad at is the person who is keeping and they and they planned it. They planned this whole thing. They made it so that you would blame this person >> because when you do, you're not looking up >> who's holding up all the stuff over your head. You should be mad at them up here >> the way that you would get mad at like a tall person walking up to you as you you're like trying so hard. You're trying to pinch as hard as you can like just a a better job, just more opportunity. And they're like, "Hey, you want some help? Do you feel like help?"
[cheering] No. How you going to get mad somebody doing worse than you?
No, they're not keeping you from anything. You know, it's like getting mad at the bottom shelf cuz you couldn't reach the top.
I mean, IT'S LIKE [cheering and applause] IT'S like getting mad that you're in fifth place when you were never going to be first.
[laughter] I just can't get over that.
Cuz I remember the first time I heard about Riley Gangs, I thought I I thought I genuinely what I thought happened was that she was second and then a trans athlete came in first and she was like, "OH, SHE STOLE FROM ME." You know what I mean?
And then when I heard that they don't even make a type of metal for the position she came in, it goes gold, silver, bronze.
I guess I get like I guess you could give fourth place like aluminum or something and then and then you could give fifth place like wood maybe.
>> [laughter] >> You got the wooden metal. It's swimming.
You got the water logged metal.
[laughter] It's swimming.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, it just I don't know. Blows my mind.
It just feels like so much so much of what politics is based off of is that thing.
You are keeping me from what I want. I want this. You are the reason that I'm not getting it. Not the politician.
>> Not the person who like signs bills into law. This is like this person over there somehow more powerful than the person who had to be sworn in and get all these votes and have all this money and has donors and has people who call them that they better pick up the phone for. You know that person not as powerful as uh random random person from another country. You know, cuz it's not just about immigrants. It's everybody. It's it's every type of other. And it's every type of other until there is no other.
>> Cuz then you you'll see it sometimes happen.
It does happen um on like a like a final phase level to uh white women. the most like hardcore conservative white women who are in the room helping make decisions and everything. There will eventually be a thing where for whatever reason you're around bunch of other conservative men and then they want you out of the room. There's only so many spots and you can't take up a spot.
You're not really one of us. You're another. You're like, "No, but I'm not another." Ah, you are.
No, you are. You are. And you'll you you'll you'll know it at like the worst time. [clears throat] It'll it'll be like when you finally want something. You've done everything that you're supposed to do. You voted the right way. You said all the right things. You hold all the right beliefs.
You do everything that you're told to do from whether it's from a young age. You grew up in conservative family or you have these conservative values and you're doing everything that you're supposed to do. you're doing everything towards the sort of life and country that you want and then you finally want something but maybe you want something that's a little bit out of your place to have. You know, maybe you want to you want to step into a position that other people don't want to see you in, right?
Maybe you want to be like a a senator and right now you're a house rep and so then they tell you no no maigned for me. I know you spent millions of your own money trying to help me. I know that you've had my back every step of the way, but like no. No. Come on. No.
And maybe [clears throat] it's not because you're a woman. Maybe it's because you're out of your mind. But like it like [laughter] like no. Just no.
And do with that what you will.
And then she's like, "Oh my god, you're in the Epste.
>> [laughter] >> No, I can't believe it. Oh my god.
Oh, Phoenix, you all been phenomenal.
Thank you so much. I appreciate [music] >> [music]
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