Why Narcissists Try to Control Your Identity

[00:00:00]Narcissistic people, they will objectify people, if I put it that way. You're either of value or you're not. And this would happen in families, it would happen in romantic relationships, friendships, friendship groups, workplaces. Quite often this comes down to things like their black and white thinking. There's their need for control, controlling their environment, controlling the people around them. Um their reliance on things like external validation. So, if they put someone into their into say a good role, you know, you're the good person.

[00:00:32]You make me feel good about myself.

[00:00:34]They're going to get validation whenever this person is admiring their qualities, doing things that please them, and so on. But the moment they let them down because of the this the split thinking, because of the all or nothing thinking, they don't just think about the their expectations. They don't learn to manage their expectations. It's like this person has now betrayed them. This person has done something against them.

[00:00:58]But one way or another, when it comes to these roles, they will see people as being useful or of no value. They're either superior or they're inferior.

[00:01:07]They're of some kind of utility or they're not. They can provide some kind of value, again, whether that's admiration, they'll do emotional labor for them, give them status, or they will just comply. And they will get idealized roles. But those who don't, those who might threaten that narcissist's self-perception of themselves, that worldview they have, they will get devalued, discarded, ignored, or whatever. Also, the roles can shift.

[00:01:34]They can shift depending on maybe that narcissistic person's needs, maybe depending on how well they perform for them, whether or not they disappoint them. So, they get rejected, punished, criticized, things like that. But it's all about prioritizing the narcissistic person's ego. And this is over everybody else's well-being. Now, when you meet a predatory person, if you are some kind of value to them, if they you know you know want to go on a date with you or whatever, they want to pick your brains for information or whatever it is they you're of some utility to them. What you typically find is they will give you a role. This can be part of the grooming that takes place. And it it's typically a flattering role. And I'm going to tell you how it works. First of all, you might hear things like if it's a romantic relationship, you might hear things like oh you complete me.

[00:02:25]I feel so safe with you. You're the one that I feel most comfortable with. I can I can just be myself with you and so on.

[00:02:34]In in workplaces and things like that, you might hear things like you know, you're really good at this. I admire the way you're able to and the way you accomplished such and such.

[00:02:44]So you're getting a lot of flattery. You know, I I admire your skills at problem solving. I admire your skills at guitar playing or whatever.

[00:02:53]When people are given flattering roles, it's human nature. We tend to fall into it nicely because it feels good. What we don't realize is that predator is not just maybe grooming us, but they may be setting us up for something in the future. For instance, you're the one that I feel so safe with. I can just be myself with you. Well, the first time you disappoint them, that's when you hear things like I put you on a pedestal. That's when you hear things like you've really disappointed me. You've really let me down. That's when the punishment starts to come out. You're really good at problem solving. So you're given this task that maybe should be theirs. And you're struggling with it. You can't get it done. Now what they're not saying to you is that was a bit much to ask. I can see you're struggling.

[00:03:39]No, you've let them down because you're supposed to be the person that knows how to do this.

[00:03:43]Sometimes it's not that you have to do anything to upset that narcissistic person.

[00:03:50]Just straight away, they will put you in the role of villain or the enemy or some kind of rival or something. This is This is the bad guy. This is the villain.

[00:03:59]This is the person who's out to get them. This is the person who's deeply envious of them and trying to take away something that they have. This is the person who doesn't want to see them thrive and do well. And the thing is, the person that narcissist probably isn't even on their radar. So, they have created this version of their perceived enemy. And nothing that person ever does or says is going to be taken at face value. There will always be an ulterior motive for them. It will never undo this terrible thing that they imagine they did or said a long time ago. That role of enemy can actually come as well.

[00:04:37]Whenever someone has been idealized and again, they don't live up to standard, you know, that they can't read minds, they can't pre-empt every whim, every mood, they can't do that. It's It's It's impossible. That person who cannot have the narcissist at the forefront of their mind every second of the day, so there's a betrayal of some kind. So, sometimes when that idealized version can't be met, which it very rarely can, it's an impossible standards, then they get put into the role of enemy. And sometimes it only takes one thing, like they forgot to bring milk home or whatever it was.

[00:05:14]It could be something even trivial. But every good thing that they had done previously has just been erased. It's like it never happened. Another role they would be looking for is Another thing they would use people for would be, albeit they tend to be temporary in the sense that these roles very rarely last. Sooner or later, people find out what's really going on. But they're looking for some kind of confidant, some kind of best buddy, some kind of best friend. Really, this is just someone they want to collude with them.

[00:05:44]They want to use them as like an emotional dumping ground. Either that or to try to recruit them as uh an ally against their enemy or recruit them as maybe a flying monkey as an agent who's going to report back to them or do their dirty work for them. So, whether it's in a family, a workplace, or one-to-one relationships, narcissistic people tend to assign people roles. So, why do they do it? It usually comes down to this all or nothing, black or white uh it's up, it's down, it's left, it's right, it's right, it's wrong, you know that kind of thinking. They see things as they see relationships in particular and interactions as being transactional. So, again, you're either a value or you're not. So, a person is either all good or they're all bad. They're all good in the sense that maybe they're a valuable supply in some way, someone that um stokes their ego for them, enhances their sense of superiority, makes them feel good about themselves, or they're all bad because maybe there's some kind of a threat.

[00:06:47]There's some kind of inferiority there that they don't particularly like. You did not reach the standard that they had set for you, what whatever it was. Um you're either all good or you're all bad rather than an independent, autonomous being who is capable of both, okay?

[00:07:05]Good people can do and say things that aren't that pleasant, and bad people are capable of acts of kindness and generosity. Narcissistic people can't see the world that way. So, whenever they assign someone a role, this is like reducing uh the complexity or the mental work they have to do to be able to manage their own expectations. It's also a good way for them to be able to enforce some kind of predictability. Let's say one of the things that narcissistic people struggle with is whenever somebody stops behaving the way they have always behaved.

[00:07:38]Like maybe they stop backing down.

[00:07:40]Maybe they stop giving in. Maybe they stand their ground or maybe this time that's it, I'm gone and they really mean it. So when that person starts acting in a way that is unpredictable, this this this can send them into something of a tizzy. They have assigned this role to you where you exist solely to serve them. Your your life is really just about making them feel good.

[00:08:04]Because you can't do that all day and every day and to their standard, yeah, you're a bad horrible person so they punish you. And after a while people will say, "You know what? I'm done with this. I'm going." That narcissistic person doesn't think to themselves, "Mhm, maybe I pushed them too far."

[00:08:20]Because they've assigned this person a specific role, instead [snorts] they will ask something like, "Who's been poisoning your mind against me? Who's been putting these ideas in your head?" They've put you into a role.

[00:08:32]The thought of you being able to work things out for yourself is beyond them.

[00:08:36]Someone must have poisoned you against them. Another reason for the roles is a way to externalize things. It's a way to especially if it's a bad person or a bad role or a villain or whatever. So they're offloading things like their own unwanted traits in the form of projection, their own flaws.

[00:08:55]The scapegoat in the family gets the negative projections just like the golden child will get the idealized ones. Narcissistic people we all do this to some degree but with narcissistic people they assume that you think just like they do. If you forgot to bring milk home, yeah, it's not just that you forgot to bring milk because your mind was wandering, you weren't concentrating. You deliberately didn't bring milk home just to annoy them so that they would have to drink black tea or black coffee or something.

[00:09:23]They would do things deliberately so they're assuming you would as well. If you're offering them something, you're not doing it because you're a nice person and you think it would make me be a nice gift or something, it's because you're up to something.

[00:09:34]You're trying to coerce them or manipulate them or something. Here we see a lot of projection, a lot of externalization when it comes to putting people into roles. And another reason for assigning people roles is just sometimes it just comes down to maintaining that version of themselves. If they believe they are superior, then that would mean by default maybe that you and I and everyone else are inferior. So assigning someone that role of being not as clever as them, not as smart as them, not as important as them or whatever.

[00:10:08]It's just about maintaining that false self. It's a good way of avoiding reality. That's when you get a lot of manipulation of reality things through things like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, rewriting history, rewriting reality, or even triangulation, bringing in other people to try to back them up. Really, if you're being put into a particular role, it's not about a genuine relationship.

[00:10:36]It's about their superiority, their power, their supply, and their self-protection as well.

[00:10:45]What happens whenever we're given this role and if we stay in that role, we start to perform in a way that maybe fits that role. Well, what happens is there's like an an erosion of our authentic self, an erosion of our self-worth. This role is implanted on you and you must be that version. And the more we try to be that version, we try to be that person who completes them, we try to be that person who, you know, makes them smile and all the rest of it. They're where that person who keeps them safe from reality, whatever it is, manages their triggers for them.

[00:11:26]The more we try to do that, we're never able to get there because that version of us keeps shifting in their head. The goal posts keep on shifting.

[00:11:35]So, you have one person who's trying to reach that version of themselves, that role they've been put into, and you have the other person continually punishing them for not being able to be that version of themselves.

[00:11:49]And in the long term, again, we're losing a sense of authenticity about ourselves, even our own sense of self-worth.

[00:11:56]Believing I am only valuable if if I do it right this time, would you say things will be perfect? If I fix it this time, would you say I'll be perfect?

[00:12:07]I mustn't talk about having a bad day at work because they'll tell me I'm just being negative, and that'll bring their mood down. They'll tell me I'm always complaining, so I will keep my pain to myself.

[00:12:19]I won't tell them about a great day at work because they'll tell me it's wrong for me to have had a good day because theirs has been so miserable. So, I'll try to hide my joy, as well. Okay? So, we're losing authenticity, and sometimes we're even in questioning ourselves. Is it okay to feel this? Is it okay to feel that? You know, we're wondering what is a normal reaction to something? You know, you see a big shark coming at you, and you're panicking, but you're wondering to yourself, was it okay for me to panic at seeing that shark in the water?

[00:12:50]Because we've been led to believe that what are normal emotional reactions to things were bad. It can also bring up things like anxiety and depression.

[00:13:00]Those things often go together.

[00:13:02]One's feeling helpless, the other's feeling hopeless. There can be that perfectionism, which can lead to things like procrastination.

[00:13:10]We're afraid to do something because if we don't get it right, we're going to be criticized. We don't want our mistakes pointed out to us because we know what it feels like when our mistakes get pointed out to us. Not necessarily that someone's trying to be constructive and show us a better or an easy way of doing it properly. No, it's it's we're going to be ridiculed, we're going to be punished. So, there's there's a sense of perfectionism. So, there's a fear of doing something in case our mistakes are pointed out. But again, on the other side of that, sometimes we're afraid to do something because what if it does work out?

[00:13:43]Then we're going to have to face a narcissistic person's envy, who's going to try and pull the rug out from under us, take the wind out of our sails.

[00:13:51]So again, there's something about trying to stay hidden in plain sight. Well, that does not sit well with all of us because all of us want to achieve something. All of us want to grow in different ways. It can also lead to people-pleasing. This is putting someone else's needs in front of our own. This is believing how someone feels about something is much more important than maybe reality. There can also be trust.

[00:14:16]Some people who have been in narcissistic dynamics, relationships, and things, and families, and so on.

[00:14:22]Sometimes you're saying things like, "How could I ever trust anyone again?"

[00:14:26]Other times you're saying things like, "How could I ever trust myself again?"

[00:14:30]If you recognize the process, the one I mentioned earlier about you are being given these rules, you're being idealized, you're being told wonderful things about yourself, you're being put into a role that wasn't yours in the first place. It's not up to you to manage other people's triggers. It's not up to you to make people feel good all day and every day.

[00:14:51]It's not your role. It's not your role to be their parent, to be their mom, to be their dad.

[00:14:56]But we didn't see it at the time because that's not how it was worded.

[00:15:00]How far can that narcissistic person go before we will let ourselves down, before we will, if you will, we will betray ourselves? And that could be either we're lying for them, or we're lying to ourselves for them. One way or another. It's not a nice way of putting it, but this isn't always a conscious thing. This has been something that happened a little piece at a time. So, we find it very hard to trust ourselves.

[00:15:24]Why did I not see the red flags? Because they weren't red flags. A lot of the time they were just little normal things. And it was just a little piece at a time. Just one small little compromise or one small little adjustment. Wasn't that much to ask? And we're decent human beings, so it's not that that big a deal. We don't mind accommodating others. But what you often find is it progresses and it progresses until even a whole life style shift gets treated as if it's just the bare minimum.

[00:15:54]And it's expected.

[00:15:56]But we didn't see that at the time.

[00:15:58]But one way or another, this in the long term does have an impact on people that have been in those dynamics. Awareness is a very powerful thing in the sense it will always give you a choice. But if you go back to the beginning, remember the role was assigned to you. It's not necessarily who you are. If you were given the role of being their parent, while the same time they infantilized you.

[00:16:25]How are you going to get your head around that? That is just going to be That's Of course that's going to mess with us. This is a role that they assigned you. Now, just because it was a really good role and we thought it was a nice role and we took that role on, it still wasn't ours.