Why Your Wardrobe Will Never Feel "Finished" (And That's Costing You)

[00:00:00]Have you ever bought the last piece [music] you needed and a month later you needed another last piece? You feel like your wardrobe is never finished.

[00:00:10]Here's the truth. Your wardrobe is never going to be finished. And I don't say that to depress you. I say it because I think you're waiting for a feeling that isn't coming from finishing your wardrobe. And it's costing you money and peace of mind. Hello, I'm Kristen.

[00:00:24]Welcome to my channel. I'm a style and mindset coach. And a little over a year ago, I think, I started to do style office hours videos. And I want to get back to those because while I'm doing a live style Q&A every Friday, usually every Friday, and I can answer your questions there, there are some questions that I want to dig a little deeper into. And some things that I hear from clients on repeat that feel like they might be helpful to you also. So, I have opened up style office hours again.

[00:00:52]And think of this not as a class, just like style office hours in college wasn't the class. It was sort of a continued conversation, a place to get a little more information, a place to kind of share what you're feeling stuck about that doesn't feel like it's landing from whatever the lesson was. This is kind of the same idea. I want to share with you real time, real life situations and struggles that my clients are bringing to me and we work on them inside style therapy as we are using the simple style method to create a wardrobe they love wearing. Style office hours are a way for you to get a taste of what it would be like for you to work with me one-on-one. When we work together one-on-one, that is where the transformation happens. If you are ready to have a wardrobe you love wearing, you want to be inside style therapy and you want to learn my signature style method.

[00:01:35]There's a link down below. You can book your sales call and we'll go from there.

[00:01:38]Okay. So, this idea that my closet is never finished and that feels really frustrating. My wardrobe never feels done. I hear this a lot from clients and I completely understand it and part of it is a perfectionist thing. And if you don't identify as a perfectionist, I hope that some of the things I talk about here on videos will help you identify the sneaky ways that perfectionism shows up. prior to realizing that I was a perfectionist, which came in sort of a light bulb kind of 2x4 to the head moment where all of a sudden I realized and couldn't unsee, oh my goodness, so many of the ways and places that I have stayed stuck in my life and held back were due to perfectionism. So if you don't identify as a perfectionist, just let this kind of permeate and see if maybe there is some underlying perfectionism in you also. So perfectionists tend to have an all or nothing way of thinking, way of looking at things. So, if your closet is a mess, that satisfies kind of the nothing way, like, well, it's totally a mess and there's not really anything I can do about it and I'm just going to let it be terrible. And then the other side of it would be the all where everything is perfect and you're so stylish and all of your outfits are amazing and you never have trouble with your closet and when you shop it's with ease and you don't need to return anything. There's sort of this all or nothing. The nothing is I have no style.

[00:02:49]I have no things that fit. My wardrobe doesn't work and the all would be everything is perfect and there isn't any middle ground. there isn't room for improvement because we see it as I'm either failing or I'm the best at it and that is obviously not realistic and oftentimes we even know that we intellectually understand the absurdity of the way that a perfectionistic brain works and yet we can't get past it.

[00:03:10]We're still stuck. So I often have clients who say, "Well, my wardrobe isn't finished and therefore I need to keep shopping." So I keep bringing in pieces in hopes that those pieces will finish it. But then the pieces create a brand new problem. So, they bring in a great new blazer, but then they don't have any jeans that they love that blazer with. So, now the hunt is on for new jeans. Or they buy a great dress because they saw it on some influencer and they think it's going to solve the problems in their summer or fall or winter wardrobe and yet they don't really have the shoes or the boots that would go with that dress. So, then they're lacking the shoes or the boots and they need to go look for those. Or they buy a fabulous new blouse, but it's very sheer and they don't want to wear it on its own. So, then they need a camisol, but that kind of makes them too hot. There are so many ways that we feel like our wardrobe isn't finished. So, we add more things and then the things that we add create more problems and keep our wardrobe unfinished. And oftentimes, it's sort of this self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, perfectionism is at play here. If our wardrobe is ever finished, like if we ever arrive at that place that our brain tells us we're trying to get to, that we're striving for this perfect finished closet. If we ever get there, we would be so bored we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves or we would have to look amazing every day and that's terrifying. Our brain says you can't possibly do that. So keep spinning in all of the drama about your closet not being finished because that will keep you safe. And I realize that on the surface this sounds like a problem that is easy to fix. Well, just stop doing that. Stop buying that piece that's the last needed piece that would fix and finish your wardrobe and just wear the clothes you have and enjoy wearing them. We know what to do, but we don't do it because we genuinely believe that our wardrobe isn't finished. And therefore, we have to wait because it's this all or nothing. Either I'm not wearing any of the good things or I'm going to wait till it's all finished and then all of my outfits will be amazing.

[00:04:58]But that messy middle is where you really learn how to grow your self-rust and build a wardrobe you love wearing.

[00:05:04]If you have clothes that you're not wearing because you're waiting until your wardrobe is finished, that middle part can't happen, which is what gets you the transformation to a place where not your closet is finished or your wardrobe is complete forever, but a place where you're actually wearing the pieces and enjoying. So for me, that kind of last piece, that missing puzzle piece that was going to bring it all together, happened almost on a daily basis when I worked in retail, specifically most recently at anthropology, where I could pretty much afford the pieces I was looking at versus when I worked in couture at Neiman Marcus. I could go into work at Neiman Marcus and see a beautiful Oscar Delarenta gown or a Chanel suit, but they weren't within my budget, and they really weren't what I needed in my everyday life. But the temptation was greater when I worked at anthropology because from the front door to the stock room where I put my bag away, there were 15 different items that had just been unpacked that were beckoning me with this idea that if I just bought those, they would complete my wardrobe and everything would be fabulous with my style. And yet that kind of constant bombardment, whether you're working retail or you're just seeing it online, is exhausting. So that constant feeling of needing to accumulate something in order to complete what is in your closet and make it super wearable and you'll love it and all of your outfits will work together and that illusion that you will ever have a wardrobe that is complete and finished for any extended period of time is really keeping you stuck. It's similar to the idea of wanting to cook dinner once, which I don't usually want to do. My husband has been the cook in our house for many, many years and he's a very good cook.

[00:06:36]But it's the idea of I want to bake one lasagna and have it last for months. I don't want to have to repeat this process. I don't want to have to keep going shopping for food. I don't want to have to keep doing laundry or cleaning my home. We have this idea that we want it all to be done and stay done. We want it finished. I don't want it to get messed up again. I don't want the the laundry to pile up again. I don't want the refrigerator to need to be wiped out and need to go buy food or cook more dinner or cut the grass again or whatever the thing is. Kind of a constant fluid repeating changing situation. So I think one of the first things to look at is trying to cultivate an attitude of acceptance around this.

[00:07:10]And I have had to do this in my own life, not so much in my wardrobe, but more in the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning and those sorts of tasks because I want them done and I want them done once and I want it to stay that way kind of magazine spread perfect for the rest of the month, the rest of the year if I could. And yet I know that's not realistic. So accepting the fact that I have a family of five, one of my kids lives at home, two of my kids live very close. On any given day, I can have a couple of them stop by for lunch, a couple of them call and say they're coming for dinner. There is lots of chaos and commotion and wonderful community that happens in my home. And I am grateful for that. And I have cultivated an acceptance of this is a magnificent season. I have three kids in their mid20s who all either are living at my house or live very close like within four or five miles and I see them on a very regular basis and it is one of the best parts of my life. If they want to come to my house and eat my food and leave a little bit of a mess and have me do their laundry on any given day because of whatever reason in their lives they can't get to it. I am happy to do that. I have accepted the fact that life is in motion and specifically around eating and laundry and making messes. I am okay now and I have accepted that that is one of the beautiful parts about it. I I like doing laundry so I don't really want there to never be laundry again and I certainly want to change my sheets so I'm not sleeping on the same sheets unwashed for the rest of my life. So it's the same in your wardrobe. However, in your wardrobe it really requires less upkeep. The cooking and the cleaning and the laundry are really regular occurrences. Getting your wardrobe to a place where it actually works and you can take a pause is something that's very doable. But when your brain says it's not finished and that's the loop that you're running, you are constantly searching for ways that that's true, that's how our brain works. We have this beautiful reticular activating system that says, "Oh, I'm going to look for a new car. Hm, I think I might want a Honda Pilot. Well, now I'm going to see Honda Pilots everywhere." Or, "Hm, I think I might want to move to Brazil." Now, you're going to see things that are Brazilian everywhere. It's just this beautiful filtering system because we can't possibly process all of the information that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. So our brain does this beautiful thing of filtering out anything that we're not considering. So if you are feeling like your wardrobe is never finished, like it's this project that constantly needs work, your brain will continue to show you evidence of that.

[00:09:28]And it gets exhausting. And honestly, would you ever want your wardrobe to be finished? Like let's say, okay, tada, we've arrived. My wardrobe is perfect and finished. Well, what happens if your body changes? What happens if you move to a different climate? What happens if all of a sudden you volunteer somewhere or get a different job or have some other life circumstance that requires different clothes? Well, too bad. Your wardrobe's finished. You're out of luck.

[00:09:52]You just have to keep wearing these same clothes. We wouldn't want that. What if there's a trend you actually really want to get on board with? And now my wardrobe's finished. I can't bring that in. We want our wardrobe to be fluid.

[00:10:02]And we want to accept the fact that there will be times where it feels more stable and everything is working. And then there will be times when the gaps become more obvious and it's time to go seek some new pieces and bring them in.

[00:10:13]So finished implies that there's an end point. But life and our bodies and our circumstances, they are fluid. And so our wardrobe needs to move right along with us. You haven't failed. There is no destination to arrive at with your wardrobe that is permanent and fixed.

[00:10:28]Yes, we want to arrive at a place where we love getting dressed and our pieces work together and we genuinely love wearing our clothes. We want to get there and that is possible. But when we hold that end in such high regard and as the ultimate goal and we can't be happy until then, which is also a very perfectionistic thing to do, it's that all or nothing thinking. We'll be happy when when this is all figured out.

[00:10:49]That's when I'll enjoy my wardrobe. But what about today when you have two or three or four pieces that you actually like wearing and you could be choosing the better option and beginning to build that bridge from where you are in this I don't love my wardrobe and my closet doesn't feel like everything is in there that I need. my wardrobe isn't finished.

[00:11:06]To this place that you aspire to where tada, everything is great. We need to get through that messy middle by making outfits and wearing them and trying pieces and doing the work to get in our clothing so that when we actually get here, you likely will realize that all along you've had a pretty great wardrobe. You weren't wearing the pieces in the best ways. You maybe didn't have a couple of the items that you needed to make complete looks. You maybe were trying to have a style that wasn't really authentic. It's not unlike the Wizard of Oz and the clicking of the heels of the ruby red slippers and recognizing that you had the power all along. You likely are doing lots of things right, but when your brain is telling you your wardrobe's not finished, it just creates a lot of noise and a lot of desperation for finding the right piece, that last piece that's going to pull it all together. So, what I find with clients is that there are often kind of two definitions of unfinished. Sometimes, for some women, unfinished is genuinely there are some gaps that we've identified. So, the wardrobe doesn't have all the pieces it needs to actually make it work for her every day. And then we do some shopping, we find those pieces, we plug those holes, fill those gaps, then she has a wardrobe that works for her. That does not mean it's complete in the sense that when she travels to Paris, she's not going to buy anything. Or when she goes thrifting with her daughter, she's going to resist a fabulous blazer that she finds. We're not trying to impose rules of you cannot buy anything else but we want a wardrobe that feels complete in the sense that it works for you for your today body for the life that you live.

[00:12:33]And the other kind of finished is linked to a continuous striving. It's an emotional sense of incompleteness that no new purchase is going to solve. And most closet dissatisfaction comes from that second kind. comes from that emotional sense of this just isn't finished and I can't feel good until it is versus I'm missing a pair of great shoes or great jeans or a great winter coat and once I find that everything will actually work better together. And definitely the world that we live in right now is constantly focused on making us feel like we don't have what we need in every category and specifically in our closets. The wardrobe essentials you must have, you need this to complete your look. the constant constant micro trends that if you're not wearing this, you are definitely not stylish. Those just feed into the frenzy of us feeling like our wardrobe is never finished. And that's exactly what brands and retailers and manufacturers want. They want us to keep shopping. So, if they can keep convincing us that we're missing something from our wardrobe, which they do so well, we will keep consuming and they will stay in business. And so, I want to offer a reframe. What if a finished wardrobe isn't at all the goal?

[00:13:40]What if the goal is a wardrobe you love wearing? A wardrobe that is functional for the life that you live. A wardrobe that fits your today body. A wardrobe that feels authentic and lights you up.

[00:13:50]The pieces work together and getting dressed becomes the easiest part of your day. Finished isn't the goal. And so many women are feeling like there's one more piece and once I secure that piece, everything will come together with my style. I want to tell you that that's not true. And it's not a bad thing that it's not true. You wouldn't want to never shop again, but we want to make sure that you have a closet that has enough, that it has plenty so that you can get dressed and not feel like you're wearing the same lazy go-tos every day and your sense of style can be honored by what you have in your closet. So, when style therapy clients tell me that their closet doesn't feel finished and that that is kind of a source of struggle for them, we dig into that and we get really clear on what that actually means and what is actually true in their actual wardrobe. Is it that they're missing a few key pieces that once we find those and they bring them in, getting dressed will actually be super easy? Or is it that they have this constant sense of it's never quite enough? I never have exactly what I need and I always feel like I'm missing out.

[00:14:49]The FOMO is very real with the way that retailers and brands promote their merchandise. They want us to feel like we are lacking and if we don't purchase that thing, we can't possibly be stylish for that season or that week. It's not true. It's not true. Your wardrobe is alive, as it should be. It should be like an ongoing pile of laundry. It should be like a refrigerator that constantly needs to be replenished and like another meal that needs to be cooked. We are living beings and our wardrobe should reflect that and evolve with us. We don't want something static and fixed. Yes, we want to get to a place where we have what we need and getting dressed feels effortless and we actually love how we look and feel in our clothes, but that doesn't mean a finished wardrobe. So the thought loop of if my wardrobe was just finished then my style would be amazing. That's the kind of thing I work on with my clients inside style therapy as we go through the simple style method and create a wardrobe that is just right for exactly where you are in life so that getting dressed can be the easiest part of your day. So I hope this helps you look at it slightly differently because the goal is not to have a wardrobe that's finished.

[00:15:56]It's to have a wardrobe that works.

[00:15:57]Works for you, works for your body, works for your lifestyle, works for your budget, works for your climate, works for the life that you are in. So this week, when you open your closet and look at your wardrobe, instead of seeing it through a lens of this isn't finished, I can't be happy until this is finished.

[00:16:13]What am I missing? I know there's a piece that would make this easier. Ask yourself, what do I reach for? What do I wear on repeat? Because chances are you are wearing some clothes that would be part of a finished wardrobe. You're just not seeing it through that lens. That doesn't mean you might not need some new pieces. What it means is if you can begin to see your wardrobe as complete the way it stands now and fluid in that completeness so that what you're wearing now is going to wear out and you might need to replace it and then you might see a trend that you want to include come next season. All of that is normal.

[00:16:48]A finished wardrobe is not the goal. You want a wardrobe that you love wearing.

[00:16:53]That's all I've got for you this week.

[00:16:54]If you want a wardrobe you love wearing, you want to be inside style therapy. You will learn my signature style method for creating a wardrobe you love wearing. We do the work together so that you have what you need to make getting dressed the easiest part of your day. I promise you it is possible. I am living proof. I did not always have a wardrobe I loved wearing. I did not always have a wardrobe that felt cohesive or a color palette that felt dialed in. Getting dressed was not the easiest part of my day and it is now. I would love that for you. There's a link down below to book your sales call. Thank you so much for joining me for this style office hours episode. I will be back soon and we'll share another thought or belief that my clients come to me that we coach on inside style therapy so that I can help share with you what really happens when we work one-on-one together and how that can transform how you look and feel when you get dressed. Have a really beautiful day and [music] I'll be back soon with a new video.