What 10 Years of Extreme Isolation Did to My Mind

追加: 2026-05-21

[00:00:00]So, believe it or not, I had a life before all of this, okay? I had a um I had a place where I was settled, right?

[00:00:08]I had family around me. I had friends. I had I had I had built a life. I had this version of a future that it made sense to me, right? It was the kind of life that you build because you assume that you're going to be there for a while. I assumed that I was going to die in Portland, Oregon. I was going to live there my entire life and die there.

[00:00:29]But then I left all of it. I did. I left all of it and I moved across the country to Michigan because my son was about to be born and I was not going to be some distant voice in his life. No, I needed to be there. I needed to be his father.

[00:00:45]He needed me by his side. And I hadn't even met him yet, right? He was still a neutro. And yet I had this deep love for him even though I I hadn't even laid eyes on him. I I had seen an ultrasound.

[00:00:56]That was all I had seen. and he looked like an alien in the ultrasound. So, um I I really wanted to be a dad and I wanted to have that responsibility. I was excited about it.

[00:01:11]And and then of course through circumstances that I'm not going to get into. Uh if you've been following me for a while, then you understand what those circumstances are. um the life that I thought that I was walking into it, it it turned into something completely different and I ended up completely isolated in a way that I never I never saw it coming really. Um and it's not this wasn't it wasn't solitude, right? It wasn't this it wasn't me voluntarily choosing peace and just disappearing for a while to figure myself out. This was this it wasn't the kind it wasn't the kind of isolation like it wasn't that all right this was the kind of isolation that it it gets forced onto you right after you your life has already been uprooted so and it didn't last for a season it lasted for years like over a decade um and that changes a person doesn't just it doesn't just change your geographic location it doesn't change where you just where you live or who you talk to or what your day-to-day looks like. It changes how your brain works.

[00:02:21]It changes what you notice, how you read people, how you handle pressure, how you how much you can endure, right? How hard it becomes to relate to people who have no clue at all what you've been through, right? And I can't go back to the way that I used to see the world. And quite frankly, I don't want to. I don't want to. I paid dearly for who I am today. I like who I am today. Um but people they do talk about isolation like it's a lifestyle choice and yeah in another context it is they will it's usually framed as you know some guy in a in a cabin finding peace with his dog. All right. Well that's not what I'm talking about. Th this this isolation is you wake up and you're alone and the silence is the loudest thing in the room. There's nobody to call, nobody who's been where you've been. Nobody.

[00:03:19]And you start realizing that the people around you, they're not bad people. They just they can't relate to anything that you've gone through. They they haven't sat in the kind of s silence and pain that you're you're sitting in. They haven't had to rebuild who they are from nothing.

[00:03:38]They haven't been stripped the way that you have been.

[00:03:42]And just you you try to have normal conversations with people and they're of course they're talking about their weekend or some drama at their work and all you can think of is that's what you care about? That's what you worry about.

[00:03:55]What? I can't I can't relate to that. Um just I I just I don't really care. And just like they don't really care about what I've been through, right? We can't.

[00:04:06]It's just we're in two completely different worlds and there's no way to to bridge that gap. All I can think of is the last time I was with my son, the last time I held my son, and how much I miss him. And they don't even have kids.

[00:04:20]So, they can't even relate to that. They can't even relate on that level. Um, and what I've been through has been really brutal.

[00:04:31]just everything, the the isolation, the the separation from my son, the just the the years and years of of fighting just to be a dad, right?

[00:04:45]I don't know. Just it it doesn't just break you into a million pieces. It what it does is it it removes the the part of you that still wanted to believe people were better than they actually are.

[00:04:59]um which is a good thing and I'll I'll I'll dive into that. But once you see that clearly, you just you can unsee it.

[00:05:07]And it just it woke me up. It woke me up. It it kicked me out of being completely naive because before there was there was just there was some part of me that still believed that life had had a basic fairness built into it, right? that yeah, I understood that people could deceive you, but I didn't understand how comfortably they could do it. And and and yeah, of course, the you know, the the the truth it can be ignored. It can be swept under the rug, but I just I didn't have any concept as to how people how often people could bury it on purpose, right?

[00:05:44]And I just I had a little bit of understanding about, you know, how that that doing the right thing, yeah, could cost you, but I didn't I just I didn't know how much of a target it can make you.

[00:06:01]And then I I watched people just lie without hesitation, right? The hide the truth, protect the wrong behavior, and punish the person telling the truth.

[00:06:15]And it was at that moment that I came to the realization that wow I wasn't even living in reality. So I stopped confusing these appearances for real or with reality.

[00:06:28]Um and this well this is what this is what over 10 years of force isolation actually gave me. Okay.

[00:06:41]And yeah, it a lot was taken from me that I can never get back.

[00:06:50]And it's it's more than most people can can even comprehend, right?

[00:06:57]But something happened in the midst of that isolation that I I just I just don't I don't think could have happened any other way.

[00:07:07]And and there were there were four things that happened to me, right? And so the first thing that happened to me was that I learned how to see through people.

[00:07:19]When you spend over 10 years in forced isolation, your your brain it starts working differently. Okay? You're I mean you're not just paying attention. You're but you're you're start you start processing people with with a level of detail that you didn't have before.

[00:07:33]Right? So I became way more analytical.

[00:07:36]I started noticing patterns a lot quicker. I became better at connecting just one small behavior to another. Um I stopped treating every incident like it was separate and I started seeing the larger pattern underneath it. And that's just that's how I learned to see through people. I started noticing when someone's right when someone's words yeah they may have seemed benign but their timing was suspicious. And I noticed when they they avoided certain details that would make them look bad, right? Um when they suddenly became confused after a direct question because confusion it gave them a way out, right? Or or they they acted offended because just because being being offended it helped them avoid answering a question, right? Or answering for what they did. And then over time, uh, I started paying just closer attention to the things that most people, I guess, would explain away or overlook, just be like, nah, whatever that may be. It could be something little like a delayed response. It could be selective memory, some type of convenient omission, you name it, right? It could be an apology that they gave that doesn't actually state what they did and how they wronged you. Um, and you just with people you can you you see that there is a calm version of them in public, but the but the the private version of them is is completely op it's completely different, right? They're they're only cooperative when someone else is watching. And so those things, they they aren't random once you've seen them enough times. They become a they become tells, they become patterns, right?

[00:09:20]And then second, I learned how not to be manipulated.

[00:09:26]Okay. Um, yeah, because when you've when you've already had your life turned upside down by manipulation, you just you eventually stop falling for the same tricks. You start recognizing it while it's happening. Um, right? Someone tries to make you feel guilty. Um, and then but instead of immediately defending yourself, like that's what I would do. I would immediately go into defense mode. You you you should ask, "Why are they trying to make me feel bad right now?" Right? You start asking yourself questions like that. Okay? Um or or maybe someone brings up your tone and you realize that they're they're doing it because they don't want to answer for what they did, right? They're trying to it's a type of deflection, right?

[00:10:16]or they or maybe they act hurt and you notice that that it happened right after you asked a direct question that they just don't want to answer. Right?

[00:10:24]There's just there all these different ways that people deflect from having to to say the truth and be exposed, right?

[00:10:30]Or they they give you like a long explanation.

[00:10:34]Long explanations are usually a tell and you can maybe identify things that those those little omissions, those those parts that they skipped. It could be a number of things, right? they could say, "Oh, I I I don't remember that." Um, and then and then and you you start asking yourself whether they actually forgot or whether remembering would make them responsible, right? Or they would be founded out. So that's just that that's how it changed me, right? Cuz before I would I would get pulled in to their to the back and forth into the emotion of it. I would explain myself and and I would try to prove that I was uh you know that that I was not being treated fairly or or trying to make them understand my intentions and my side of the story.

[00:11:24]Right? But now I slow down and I look at what they're doing.

[00:11:29]Are are they are they answering the question or are they making me feel guilty for asking it? Are they explaining what happened or are they trying to make me responsible for their reaction. Okay? Right? Are they apologizing for for the thing that they did or are they apologizing in a way that avoids admitting what they did?

[00:11:50]Okay? Right?

[00:11:53]Are they telling the truth or are they giving me the version that protects their image?

[00:11:58]Because if you're dealing with a a a manipulative person, it's the latter.

[00:12:03]They're giving you some version that protects their image. And after and I'm just giving some very basic examples cuz after you've lived through the advanced version of it, those those smaller tactics are just easier to catch, right? The the guilt trips, the whatever emotional pressure they're using emotionally charged language, some maybe some type of subtle threats or fake fake confusion like I had mentioned earlier. You name it, man.

[00:12:28]They they I like you just you end up registering that as as strategies and tactics, right? and they don't have any they don't have the the psychological effect that they're supposed to have anymore.

[00:12:41]Um because yeah, once you once you see it, then they lose their power over you.

[00:12:48]Um and so yeah, you don't ha you don't have to yell or prove anything or convince them. You you no longer react that way. You stop you stop doing that be because you realize that that's what they want. That's what they're looking for is they're looking for your reaction, right? And and try to weasel their way out. But yeah, and then third, I learned how to understand Machavelianism, right? The more advanced version of what I was what I was just talking about. Um, and a lot of that started from having a lot of time alone and then reading the 48 laws of power by Robert Green. So, that book was I I recommend that book. uh that gave me language for things that I had had already been feeling and dealing with but just couldn't fully put into words and explain. And so it it just it helped me understand how people how they use timing and image and silence, how they use selective honesty and just just other people's perceptions as tools, right? Um but of course the the book it it's a really good framework, but it was only a framework. So life itself gave me the examples. Uh and so I learned what Machavelianism really looked like by dealing with people who didn't have empathy for what they were doing to me.

[00:14:08]Right? They weren't people who felt bad once they saw the damage they caused.

[00:14:13]Quite the contrary, right? Got them off.

[00:14:16]They they showed no remorse for the damage that they caused. No remorse.

[00:14:23]And even if they were caught, they would double down, right? And that that that's what taught me the most, right? When you when I started seeing through the tactics, they didn't become honest, but they became more committed to the tactics, right? I could I just I could see that there was no there was no in the beginning, I would try to think, oh, maybe there's just a misunderstanding, but no, there was no misunderstanding on their part. There was just a need for control. That was it.

[00:14:51]Some people are not trying to reach for the truth. They're trying to maintain control of a situation, right? They need control of a narrative, right? They need control of a narrative, how how they're perceived by others, how you're perceived by others based on the narrative that they have about you and and also how how you respond to them.

[00:15:13]Like I said, they're looking for a reaction from you. And once you don't give them that, they get really angry.

[00:15:19]Um and yeah, but yeah, once you understand this, a lot of the behaviors they start just they start making sense, right? Cuz a normal person feels guilt when they know that they've crossed a line. Um they they have this internal break, this internal resistance that it kicks in when they hurt someone who didn't deserve it, when they just kind of they can check themselves.

[00:15:44]Um but some people don't have that.

[00:15:47]That's what I came to found out is some people don't have that. They know exactly what they're doing and they keep doing they keep going. They keep doing it.

[00:15:56]They keep going because only control matters, right? It it matters more than them than their than having a conscience. So, um and that's that's the that reality changed me a lot. It I just I stopped assuming that everyone had that internal resistance, that internal break um that they had a conscience basically. So I realized that some people they do not possess empathy or remorse.

[00:16:24]They all they do is they protect their image. They protect their narrative and then they attack your credibility at all costs. Right? Anything to stay in control. That is machavelianism in real life. That's the advanced version. And once I understood that, I I just I couldn't go back to being naive about what people are truly capable of. all people what all people are truly capable of. Okay. And then fourth, the fourth thing was um and this is the one that I believe that matters the most is I learned who I actually am, right? Cuz when you're alone for for that long, you you can't keep distracting yourself from yourself. I did that for years. And there's just there's no normal life to hide inside.

[00:17:11]You're you're not because you're not going out with people. You're not sitting around a table with with friends every weekend, right? You don't have those distractions. You're not you're also not living that regular family dynamic that that rhythm where the house is full with people and and the week is planned out.

[00:17:31]Life it just it stops giving you those those distractions, right? The ones that help you help you pretend that everything's okay, those are gone, right? It's quiet and that silence is all the stuff like that. It's just that just in in that silence is all the stuff that you avoided and it just it all starts coming up all at once, right? Memories, right? Me memories you thought you had you had already dealt with that you forgot. They just they start coming back and you just you think about what you missed out on, what was taken from you, what you should have seen sooner but didn't, right? What you tolerated but shouldn't have, and then what you wish you could you just could go back and do differently.

[00:18:24]You think about all those things, right?

[00:18:26]And that that that part of the process is not peaceful at all. it quite the contrary. Um, you know, people talk about being alone like it's it's some calm, beautiful thing all the time, right? Like you're just reading books and drinking coffee, you know, smoking a a pipe and finding yourself and Yeah. Yeah. That that eventually happens, but not right away. Okay. That was that was not my initial experience.

[00:18:55]That's not realistic. my my experience it was it was just sitting there with my thoughts and realizing that there was nowhere left to run. I had to deal with them, right? After enough time, right?

[00:19:08]You just you realize you have to deal with them.

[00:19:11]You just I mean, yeah, you can you can either keep lying to yourself or you could get honest with yourself. And then I decided the latter, of course. Um it did not take long for me to get to finally get honest with myself and because there was just there was no way around it. I couldn't kick the can down the road.

[00:19:28]But yeah, that that kind of isolation, it forces you to find out what is really in you. You you just you you find your thresholds like how much you can take uh what you actually believe.

[00:19:42]Um whether you really need everyone to understand you, right? I I finally learned that I didn't. Right? Just being misunderstood is just part of it. um getting lied about it didn't it sucked but it didn't make me forget the truth I mean just losing more than I ever thought I could lose it it it didn't turn me into the person they tried to make me become and that's where um Carl Young's concept of individuation comes into play and starts to make started to make sense for me, right?

[00:20:26]Because it's the process of becoming whole by by facing the parts of yourself that you'd rather avoid, right? The the the anger, the bitterness, the the the dark thoughts, the shame, um the parts of you that that just they don't fit in that polished version of yourself that you want other people to see, right? to be accepted and approved and isolation. It forced me into that, right? I had to look at the parts of myself that I didn't like and stop pretending that they weren't there, right? My anger and my grief had to be I had to be study them and understand them instead of just being just having them being left unchecked and allowed to control me.

[00:21:17]So yes, the old version of me was gone.

[00:21:20]So, I had to decide what kind of man I was going to be after that. That changed me more than anything. I mean, once you've sat with yourself that long with those thoughts and all that all that stuff going on, that storm, you just you stop needing to perform and pretend that you're fine. Just you just embrace it, right? And explaining every scar that you've gotten to every every person that crosses your path, it becomes pointless because most of them, you realize that most of them don't actually care. Okay.

[00:21:50]Um, they're focused on themselves just like you're focused on yourself. So, that that's what isolation gave me. It just gave me a real reality check. It gave me a version of myself that I had never met before. Uh, that I I liked I like that guy. He's he's honest. He's he's a stronger He's an honest, stronger version, right? A version that that with a a sharper intellect and a thicker skin, um, more resolve, right? a much better understanding of what I I can actually survive.

[00:22:24]But yeah, I mean there there are parts of it I would never wish to experience again. Um but yeah, I like who I am now.

[00:22:33]I mean and I would say not being able to connect with most people isn't something that I I see as a flaw or a disadvantage. Um I mean look around. I mean most people are not worth connecting with because they're just not that interesting.

[00:22:46]We have nothing in common, nothing to connect, nothing to connect on. I mean, most of them, they just move through life on autopilot and they just repeat whatever they're told. They're they're just a bunch of NPCs. They're they're they're still out there performing and chasing approval. I mean, yeah, they're purely performative, right? Um, not to mention that a lot of them avoid hard truths.

[00:23:06]Get me the hell away from those people.

[00:23:08]I mean, after everything I've been through, I I don't have time or patience for that. I don't. Isolation made me more selective with the people that I allow into my life. And I will not tolerate shallow conversations and those fake rituals, those fake social rituals.

[00:23:24]I'm above that. I am I am above that. So, in closing, if you resonate with my experience and what I ju what I just talked about here, I want to hear it. I want to hear what your experience has been like. Let me know down below in the comments. And um yeah, catch you guys on the next one.