As a Woman-Shaped Tool, Deployed to Afghanistan, Fun Wasn't Easy. From Uncultured

Added: 2026-05-12

[00:00:00]Today for devotions with Daniellea we are reading from the first book of Daniela uncultured about growing up in the children of God religious cult and then going into the cult of the US Army.

[00:00:09]This is a day memorialized. We are in Kandahar airfield Afghanistan 2011.

[00:00:16]There's nothing fun about a birthday in Afghanistan even surrounded by friends.

[00:00:21]But we tried. I walked the mile across dusty, unpaved roads with Tiffany and Captain Madison, a couple of other lieutenants, and a few of my soldiers who were off duty after the 6 PM shift change where we all worked in the tactical operations center to reach the Kandahar Airfield boardwalk. It was nothing like the vacation images that typically come to mind with the word boardwalk. Sure, the boards were there.

[00:00:46]A kilometer of wooden slats built on a circle of Afghan dust and gravel be decked with little shops selling teas, Persian rugs, jewelry, kebabs, and American fast food. But there were definitely no soft ocean waves lapping anywhere in the hard landlocked country.

[00:01:04]Nevertheless, it was an hour to sit around at Mama Mia's pizza joint, laugh with friends, and pretend to forget where we were, despite our uniformed bodies and everpresent rifles in our hands. "I wish John was here," I said. I knew by then the infantry guys didn't get time off for JS to the fun side of the airfield. Being on standby 247 meant the team came before any person, always.

[00:01:30]Still, John made sure his people, even me, a woman-shaped tool deployed to show the locals we respected their culture, felt they were more than just part of the team. We were individuals celebrated for who we were, in addition to what we contributed to the group. A few weeks earlier, I'd been surprised when he'd made the time to attend my promotion to first lieutenant. "We're out here fighting a new kind of war, Dianiela," he said. the kind those guys who write the doctrine don't know anything about.

[00:02:00]We need to be agile, questioning and responding in the moment. We do that here the best we can while sticking to doctrine and everything the army has taught me and the guys. We'll teach you all of that. You give us the outsider perspective.

[00:02:16]I could relax in his company, treated finally as a fellow lieutenant. Not a or a dyke or a not a female or a conquest or a competitor or any of the other labels that seemed to stick to me along with my rank. Like the rest of his men, I understood he was the boss.

[00:02:35]During missions, both his confidence and humanity showed. He was respectful in his language and how he carried himself.

[00:02:43]And I understood why his team, my team, would listen and follow him into danger.

[00:02:48]No questions. As he'd asked, I'd told him my whole story. And he did not judge. No oneupmanship for who had it worse. No tongue-in-cheek jokes like my friends from the unit who heard a bit of my story and teased me for joining the army, a second cult. He didn't stare at me like I was unAmerican, nor treat me like what I said was shameful. He looked at me with the thoughtful expression I saw on his face so often and said, "Gosh, we need to schedule some time for more conversation. You must have interesting and useful insights."

[00:03:23]Over the next few weeks, during all the waiting that happens before and after missions, we had some of those important conversations about leadership, culture, group psychology, motivation, combat, and each person's uniqueness and ability to contribute to the whole. As an individual, I told him a bit about how the group behavior in the army, while different, reminded me so much of growing up in the children of God. At times, I chafed at all the limitations that were placed on women. How it was impossible to know what we were even capable of because nobody let us in the room to try. We marveled at how the actions of this small group of women, unnoticed by most, might change the face of the US Army. one of the oldest and largest organizations in our country.

[00:04:14]This is because they had sent 43 women out to some allmale combat teams. He told me I had what it took to go all the way, that the army didn't know what they had in me and begged me to stay in long enough to make them see it. When I was talking to him, I wanted to promise him that I would for myself and for all the other women, too. But I knew I couldn't.

[00:04:38]You sure are bonding fast with those grunts, Captain Madison said in response, leaning back in his chair, plates full of crumbs and pizza crust on the table between us. His pointed use of the quip for infantry soldiers mirrored the criticism clear in his eyes.

[00:04:54]Daniela, I know you're new, but you need to be very careful. People are already talking about you and the guys you hang out with. Be careful with John.

[00:05:03]This topic exasperated me. Maybe it was the familiar salsa beat echoing in the restaurant, but I had just enough stamina to attempt to navigate it. Sir, I appreciate the concern, but who should I hang out with, honestly? I gestured to Tiffany. Tiffany and I are on opposite shifts. So is Captain Rodriguez and the two female battle captains in operations, and there are literally no other female officers in our headquarters unit. I go to salsa night to make friends and have an hour away from the unit and the job and thinking about work and war. And y'all don't like that either. So, am I supposed to sit alone in my room for a whole year? Is that the only thing a woman can do to be respected?

[00:05:48]We tell all of our soldiers to watch out for their buddies as a way to guard against depression and suicide, Tiffany added, her voice barely audible over the music. But the female officers are just supposed to be fine on our own.

[00:06:01]I mean, I get it. It's hard for you ladies. Captain Madison said, "You know, before I got over here, I used to think that the women who said they were scared were just being dramatic. But the more I get used to what it's like over here, the more I think that you probably will get raped on this deployment."

[00:06:18]For a moment, I thought maybe I misheard him. But he barreled on, completely unaware of my shock or the stunned look on Tiffany's face. "Be careful out on those patrols," he said. You really need to watch your back with a group of 25 armed guys like that. I stared at Captain Madison, Mike, as he told me to call him when he'd unabashedly hounded me after hours, and we'd started sleeping together not two weeks into the deployment. I knew these warnings had nothing to do with his concern for my career or my safety. He'd chosen to risk all that when he'd made a move on me, knowing I'd be the one to pay the highest price if it went south. The concern was nothing but possessiveness.

[00:07:01]I looked at the face I had studied when we were alone in secret. Handsome, bold, charming in a New England kind of way, a thinker, a reader, and a good conversationalist.

[00:07:13]If I said that we were a 23-year-old girl and a 26-year-old guy, it didn't seem as bad as the power imbalance between a second lieutenant and a captain. If I thought about us as friends, I could distract myself from the fact that he could ruin me without a second thought, that he was married, and that as a lieutenant on his team, he was in charge of every facet of my life for the next 365 days, of everything and anything that could make my life tolerable or intolerable for the next year. But no matter what I told myself to justify it all, I could never forget the fact that legally I had to call him sir and do whatever he said during the day. And under the cover of darkness, I hadn't felt at all powerful to say no.

[00:08:02]I didn't know which statement I should react to. The promise I'd probably be raped by some soldier in a dark corner of this base or the indication that I needed to protect myself from the 25 American soldiers who were supposed to have my back in a firefight. I also knew in my core all the risks he mentioned were terrifyingly real. My mind raced in different directions. Out on the sands, there was rarely more than one woman embedded with the pathfinders. The infantry guys had already become like brothers to me. They circled around me, turning their backs and rifles so I could squat and pee. So different from the marches in basic training when we had to hold it for hours. As we trudged through booby trap sand in the middle of the Afghan desert, Sergeant Bohal, who we decided would pose as my brother, tried ad nauseium to explain to our partnered Afghan soldiers, "No, Lieutenant Messina cannot be traded for 12 camels, though we certainly do appreciate the high value you've assigned to her." These were the men that multiple senior officers were warning me about. And even though it was the best team I'd been on, my question was, why weren't they warning the guys not to rape us? Where were the penalties for that?

[00:09:20]You can get signed copies of Uncultured attached here, or listen to me read it to you anywhere you get your audio books.