My Fear Of Authority (Autism and PDA)

Ajouté : 2026-05-10

[00:00:07]I have a phobia.

[00:00:09]I have a lifelong phobia of authority.

[00:00:15]I have a lifelong phobia of being told what to do. This phobia started when I first entered education and it's plagued me ever since. This phobia got worse as I became an adult and had to provide for myself and find employment. This phobia got worse and worse the more was at stake.

[00:00:42]And this phobia is a fear of authority and it is a fear of having to do something that goes against my own autonomy. Now I'm very well aware of where this fear comes from. Now, I've had help with therapy and my diagnosis has helped me a lot with dealing with this fear and what this fear actually is. So, it's not like some abstract thing. But this fear of authority has plagued me since I was like tiny. I can kind of pinpoint some of the feelings that encapsulate this fear because PDA is a huge part of why I have this fear of authority, pathological demand avoidance or as it's known um persistent drive for autonomy. It's also known as in the neurody divergent community.

[00:01:39]But this is going to be specifically what PDA means for me and how it presents in me because I'm going to be different to other cases. Some people their PDA presents itself in a different kind of way. Mine is very much to do with personal autonomy and a fight orflight response that comes along with having to do something um on someone else's terms.

[00:02:08]fightor-flight response that then turns into a full-on panic attack or meltdown.

[00:02:15]So, let's first talk about how this presented in school. See if you guys relate to this because this is like a traumatic trait of my autism. Uh, I remember like the first year of starting school and I realized like that meme you thought school was for one day. But yeah, that was me. Once I realized, hang on, I have no choice. I have to go to this place 5 days a week and do things that I don't always agree with there.

[00:02:51]This triggered this fairness logic center of my brain.

[00:02:56]where it instantly felt like prison.

[00:03:00]It was against my autonomy. If anyone's claustrophobic, this feeling is so similar to confinement.

[00:03:08]It's very much a claustrophobia kind of vibe. When you have the kind of PDA that I have, this truly traumatic to even think about, but it it feels like claustrophobia and I have had minor claustrophobia growing up. So, it does feel quite similar to claustrophobia.

[00:03:33]I used to have nightmares involving suffocation around these feelings. So it is very similar feeling. But I think once I started questioning rules around school, this got a lot worse. Once I kind of started to question the kind of morality and logic of having to do something that doesn't make sense, um the school system was already quite disheartening. It was very much learn this information, remember this information. Doesn't matter why, just remember it so you can pass the test.

[00:04:13]This just piled on and made this demand avoidance so bad that I fell into I guess like a lowlevel chronic depression where I was essentially in survival mode. And this is the stage where I kind of went from top of the class to kind of my grades were slipping basically once I got disheartened and once school was only just a trap. All the curiosity was gone.

[00:04:42]There was no whimsy or curiosity once he stopped having to learn about animals and nature and it was just you know remember this bit of information and I don't know man it really ruined my uh it crushed my soul basically and it created this fear and distrust distrust of authority that has carried into adulthood. I am terrified of authority.

[00:05:13]I am scared of authority. I am scared of formality and structure. Even just looking someone in the face and having to follow an instruction can be enough to cause a meltdown. And if I push the meltdown and suppress it, it just destroys me and I will eventually just explode and leave a job or, you know, do something very self-destructive. And yeah, that this carried into adulthood.

[00:05:43]Um, throw in the sensory overload. Throw in even more fight, flight, or freeze triggers from being sensory sensorally overwhelmed and triggered in other aspects. It's a nightmare. You can't deal with PDA. And this distrust of figures just got worse as I got bosses who were bullies. I had a really bad boss when I worked in my first retail job. Um, when I was a lot younger, I had a department manager who was almost a psychopath like level of bully. I'm not the only one who got affected by this guy. My friend ended up on the sick because he was bullied so much by this this guy. And this enforced this fear of authority and reopened this can of traumatic worms from when I was a child.

[00:06:38]And yeah, this made working a normal job impossible to the point where I've had to stop looking for conventional employment because I'm that traumatized by authority. At this point, I feel I get taken the wrong way a lot by people in authority. People sometimes think that I'm arrogant or um defiant or disobedient or rude. Obviously, sometimes I can be those things. We're all we're all human, but I think a lot of the time they just thought my vibes were off because of my autism, which I didn't know I had autism at the time.

[00:07:15]But I think a lot of people thought that I was quite awkward. I wasn't very good at filtering myself at work. So, if a customer was rude, I wouldn't know how to Well, basically in when I'm on the spot, I can struggle to mask. The mask slips and I might just kind of be really dry and get a complaint put in against me. That that's that's like a separate meme altogether. But yeah, anyways, fight or flight from the PDA, running on pure adrenaline during my work shifts and school hours. And I remember having these crashes in the mid-after afternoon where I would almost fall asleep because I was just constantly spiking my adrenaline. Um, having to do things on other people's terms that didn't make sense to my brain. And a normal person, like a neurotypical person, can kind of accept that this is something that isn't in my best interest, but you know, I'm just going to do it for the greater good. Nope. An autistic brain can't really ignore these unignorable truths.

[00:08:24]They are unignorable for us. No matter how much we try to suppress it, we are truth seekers and we are that honest to what's going on that we can't ignore things. This is exhausting. This led to prolonged burnout. I'm so glad that I know what PDA is now. I'm so glad that I know that I am autistic now. So, I don't beat myself up when I have these feelings because previously, as I've mentioned in other videos, I would categorize these feelings that I'd have as disobedience. Like, I thought maybe I'm just disobedient. But it's nice to know that there's a word for what I thought was disobedience, which is this phobia, this fightor-flight response, this meltdown to from having to um do things that don't make sense to us and not having autonomy and control over our bodies. It's one of my biggest triggers to be honest. It's one of the reasons why I ended up getting a diagnosis. It it led me to my most severe mental breakdown where I was then referred for my autism assessment because I nearly just opted out of the whole thing because I just kept getting triggered by trying to stick jobs that I couldn't do because I have a disability.

[00:09:57]If you are like me and being forced to follow instructions and orders causes these triggering feelings, you're not alone. It's not your fault. It really isn't your fault. There's no level of training to unlearn this. It is a disability. You are built different. And you know, subjecting yourself and exposing yourself does not make it better. Um, exposure therapy does not work for autistic adults when it comes to our core fundamental triggers. Our brain recognizes following instructions as a serious threat like being chased by a bear. We'll use that example. Um, but our brains can't differentiate the difference between an autistic trigger and a trigger that could kill us. It's the same response. It's serious. Take it seriously. Don't beat yourself up about having demand avoidance and having this fear of authority. It's already hard enough without you then reinforcing the punishments on yourself. I'm sure you've had a hard enough life without you punishing yourself. Don't beat yourself up over something that you can't control. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Your brain and body is trying to protect itself. It's not your fault. We have different instincts to neurotypical people. You can't fight instincts. You can understand them. You can rationalize with those instincts, but ultimately you have to listen to your instincts or you're going to have you're going to be cortisol maxing for your entire life and it's going to be terrible. I used to hate freezing up. I used to freeze up a lot. when asked questions in school, if I wasn't prepared, like I can't be put on the spot and I would just freeze up. Don't know if anyone's experienced that, but they will just fire a question at you to check that you're listening or something. And even if you know the answer, because you're put on the spot, it just you just freeze up. Thank you for watching this video on pathological demand avoidance. I know the definition is up for debate sometimes in our community. I could talk for years on this subject. So, if you would like a sequel on PDA, please do let me know. I have dyed my hair green again. I think it looks kind of swag. So, and thank you to the Discord members. You guys have been so nice. I was really worried that, you know, it was going to go rogue on the Discord, but everyone's been respectful so far. So, thank you all.

[00:12:44]It's just really wholesome. Thank you for 16,000 subscribers. I will drop a Q&A video, so I will answer some questions soon. I love each and every one of you. Remember, we're all in on this together. The more we can stick together, share our stories, learn from each other, the easier life's going to be. Um, so yeah, thank you guys.

[00:13:08]Goodbye. Future Adelaide here. I've put a playlist together with other autism related content. And if you'd like to become a channel member and support the channel, please consider doing so. I also have a Patreon page in my bio.

[00:13:28]Thanks for watching and uh see you in the next one.