I Thought I Was Being Responsible. I Was Looking for Certainty.

[00:00:00]We all need a certain amount of stability in life, but beyond a certain point it's no longer about just stability. It's about certainty. And I've learned through my own perfectionism and my own fears about a future I'm not entirely in control of that it's easy to fall into the certainty trap without ever realizing you're in it. And the reason that's a problem is that you can spend good years of your life and far too much energy on jobs, relationships, and ways of living that look like responsible investments in your future when what they're actually doing is causing you stress and keeping you from being able to live a better life that's more aligned with who you are.

[00:00:37]Now, we can never achieve certainty in life, of course, but I know that I used to try anyway and I just didn't realize I was doing it. I thought I was just being responsible. I can see now that I did this for years in both my work and my relationships although I couldn't recognize it at the time. And there are so many different ways we might, without realizing it, be chasing certainty. We might stay in a long-term relationship that has become emotionally flat and disconnected or completely incompatible, and we do it because we know exactly what to expect even though we're unhappy and frustrated. We might worry that if we leave, we'll end up alone. We might also worry about hurting other people emotionally.

[00:01:17]So, instead of examining the situation honestly and making a conscious decision, we might simply stay out of fear and guilt, then convince ourselves we're just being loyal. Or we might stay in a secure job that we don't like because the paycheck is predictable, and after all, we all do need money to live on.

[00:01:36]So, we avoid opportunities that might be more fulfilling because we're just being responsible and don't really know how something different might work out.

[00:01:44]People late in their careers might have enough money to retire, but they keep working one more year, year after year, just to be sure.

[00:01:52]I recently heard a financial advisor point out that some people were work several additional years to move their retirement plan closer to 100% certainty. But, those are years they give up with 100% certainty. Often some of their healthiest and most capable years just to reduce the possibility that they might have to adjust their spending or plans later. Now, while he was talking about retirement money, I think we make that same trade in many other parts of our lives.

[00:02:21]We give up things that are real right now.

[00:02:25]Our time, energy, health, and our peace to protect ourselves from possibilities that may never materialize.

[00:02:33]And even if they do, we may be more capable of adapting than we think. And by keeping everything the same, we often believe that we can make our own futures predictable. We can keep the devil we know, which we might believe is the safer choice.

[00:02:49]And what we know feels safer because we already know how to cope with its problems.

[00:02:53]But, keep in mind that familiar problems are still problems, and keeping things the same doesn't make the future predictable.

[00:03:02]A viewer recently left a comment on my last video and told me that he was laid off in his mid-50s after more than 20 years with the same organization.

[00:03:11]He thought he should have been devastated, but when they gave him the news, what he actually felt was relief.

[00:03:17]The decision he hadn't been able to make had finally been made for him, and only then could he see how much the familiar situation had been weighing on him. I've stayed with a devil I knew in relationships and in jobs I've had. I couldn't see that clearly until after I left. My long-term marriage ended when I was 50, and at 58, which was just short of 4 months ago, I decided to leave the professional career I'd spent building.

[00:03:42]Both experiences reminded me that life is unpredictable, and that we continue to evolve. What used to make sense and be aligned with who we were may no longer fit. And as hard as change can be, I believe we're better off at least asking ourselves why we keep doing things that are no longer working. It doesn't necessarily mean we have to leave or quit doing them, but at least then we have more clarity.

[00:04:06]I've also learned as I've gotten older how much the idea of certainty is actually an illusion.

[00:04:12]Yes, for example, some jobs are more stable than others, but in general anything in life can change. Nothing is guaranteed. And we all understand to this more as we get older.

[00:04:23]It's no longer theoretical when we see people we grew up with or people close to us die or become seriously ill. When jobs that appeared bulletproof get eliminated. When relationships that appeared solid from the outside fall apart because they were never as great as we imagined them to be.

[00:04:41]The world also feels unusually uncertain to many people right now. There's a sense that something could go wrong at any moment. So it makes sense that people would hold on more tightly to whatever they believe they can control in their own lives. I totally get that.

[00:04:55]But trying to eliminate uncertainty is still an impossible task.

[00:05:00]I've learned that uncertainty is not something to eliminate, but something to manage. And this means trying to create a reliable foundation in our lives while focusing on our resilience. And for me, the foundation part is practical.

[00:05:13]Knowing my actual financial situation instead of carrying around a vague feeling that it's not enough.

[00:05:20]Keeping my obligations manageable so that I have options and am in control of my time.

[00:05:26]Paying attention to my health and managing it as well as I can.

[00:05:30]Keeping a few people close who I know are really there.

[00:05:33]Those are things I can actually do something about. And then the rest, as hard as it still is for me, I have to let go of. The resilience part is harder to measure, but I think it matters more. And one thing that's helped me is that I know from experience that I've navigated multiple significant challenges in life and I've made it through those. I know that I can adapt even though I still want to control all the outcomes. And I think most of us know that about ourselves at this point.

[00:05:59]If we stop and look back at what we've already been through, we can see it. We just don't give ourselves credit for it.

[00:06:05]We keep preparing for the storm as if we've never been in one.

[00:06:09]And this mindset of being able to adapt is helping me to see my next chapter differently. I'm not feeling like I have to have everything figured out ahead of time or that I need 100% certainty about finances working out, for example.

[00:06:22]I don't know exactly how it's all going to go. But for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with that. And there's a feeling of adventure about that that was missing from my life for many years. I spent a lot of years confusing certainty with stability. I thought I was being responsible and sometimes I was, but too often I was afraid and I can't get those years back. But I can stop making the same trade with the years I have left.

[00:06:49]I'd like to hear from you on this one.

[00:06:51]Where in your own life have you told yourself you were just being responsible?

[00:06:56]Be sure to leave a comment below and consider subscribing if you'd like to see more content like this. Thanks for watching. I appreciate your time. I'll see you next time.