Healed Avoidant Explains the 3 Stages of an Avoidant Coming Back

追加: 2026-05-30

[00:00:00]The three stages of an avoidant coming back.

[00:00:04]I see a lot of those videos here on YouTube by psychologists, experts, coaches who try to explain those stages of an avoidant coming back after rejection, after no contact, and after a breakup. What I don't see is an avoidant actually explaining what he or she feels on the inside when they go through those stages.

[00:00:35]So, what happens inside the avoidant mind when they actually are in those different emotions and stages. And if you're new to my channel, my name is Robert and I'm a healed avoidant, okay?

[00:00:52]I broke up five long-term relationships in the past decade and then after my last really intense breakup, I decided to now completely change so I worked with four different therapists in different fields in the past years. I worked with a psychoanalytical therapist first for nearly a year, then I had a somatic trauma therapy approach working with my second therapist, and then I worked with two different hypnotherapy approaches to also work through those patterns and reactions.

[00:01:29]And on my channel, I talk about the avoidant perspective on all of those topics and I want to take today's video to walk you through the internal emotional experience that I also personally experienced, especially in my first relationships, where I went through those three stages. And what I also realized while preparing this video here, what most people don't understand is that there is actually a fourth phase, phase number four after those three ones, and there's also something that happens before phase number one.

[00:02:13]And I think that's quite obvious because in the beginning, before the breakup, before the no contact phase, there usually happens something inside, internally, on an emotional level for the avoidant, which makes them pull away, and which make them withdraw. And this is where I want to start as well.

[00:02:34]So, we don't start with stage number one here, we start with stage zero. So, what actually makes them leave in the first place? And I want to get back emotionally now into my very first long-term relationship, which was nearly 3 years long. During those nearly 3 years, the relationship in generally, I experienced it as really lovely.

[00:03:06]We had a great matching energy. Um we were also young, of course, but the thing is, we're talking about avoidance here, through those lovely 3 years, for me personally, I slowly but steadily, and I was not aware of that, was pulling away from the relationship and my ex-partner back then.

[00:03:31]So, what did exactly happen? Through that span of the relationship, I started to get all of the typical reactions that avoidants tend to have. So, I was idolizing my single life. I would thinking when I would be single, I would feel better. There There also a form of FOMO here, so a fear of missing out. I thought, "Hmm, there may be better partners out there that I didn't meet yet." So, and I can't meet them if I'm with that person. And when I was single, I also was feeling more like myself. I was feeling more freedom. I was feeling more independent. So, I slowly started to focus more on my hobbies in my relationship. to read excessively. I remember that back then. So, I was focusing on a lot of reading books. I was focusing on working out in the gym.

[00:04:29]That was important to me.

[00:04:31]I was focusing on starting my studies and my career life back then. And all of those things became slowly and steadily more important to me. And I also felt that my ex-partner back then was less important than all of those things.

[00:04:50]Really painful to admit that today, but that was my felt reality back then.

[00:04:57]Today, I feel way different in my current relationship. I value the connection and that we can rely on each other and that we are a team together who takes care for each other. This is what I value: stability, consistency, connection with my current partner. This is what's important today for me. But back then, I didn't have that perspective. And what I actually did there in this phase zero before the breakup, I was continuously deactivating my partner and the relationship. So, what happens here for the avoidant is if they are in a relationship or an extended dating phase, their brain tries to protect them from getting hurt again, from showing up vulnerable, which is needed in a close relationship.

[00:05:53]By deactivating their partner through different thoughts and patterns and actions. Like for example, excessively focusing on the hobbies, on their sports, going cold, losing interest, going numb.

[00:06:11]>> Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I have to share something that might really help you.

[00:06:15]>> If you had an amazing weekend together and then Monday they're a distant, barely responding while you're hurting bad wondering what you did wrong, here is what I built for you. An AI that gives you direct access to the avoidant mind built on four years of therapy work by an actual avoidant. It helps you understand why they go cold and what to do next. We had a fight and they went distant again. I'm just so hurt.

[00:06:37]>> The again says a lot. Your hurt makes complete sense. What feels like rejection is usually their system shutting down, not a decision about you.

[00:06:44]>> Get the answers they won't give you themselves at understandable.net.

[00:06:48]>> Back then I thought this is how I am and I'm just not interested in that person or that relationship. Today I know, no, it's my brain applying a trick here to pull me out of the relationship. So my brain being in that subconscious mode of over protecting a potential threatening relationship situation because early on I learned that connection, intimacy, and closeness are tied to threat and danger. And this is exactly what all avoidants share.

[00:07:28]They tie closness to danger, but they're absolutely not aware of that. So fast forward, I ended phase zero with a breakup because I felt it's not the right partner. I don't have any feelings anymore. I went cold, so it can't be the right person. And this it can't be the right person because I don't feel attracted anymore, because I feel this ick. This is exactly what all avoidants tell themselves constantly, okay?

[00:07:58]They're self-sabotaging, but not out of a malicious intent. They do that to protect themselves because they didn't learn it any better.

[00:08:08]So, in this relationship, I also I didn't have any real reason to go, so my brain came up with those things because my first ex-partner, she was a really loving woman, and there was no true reason why I would leave that relationship instead of just sabotaging myself in telling me that I'm just numb or that I'm missing things out. Pretty random stuff, but I believed that back then. So, usually in many avoidant relationships, avoidants think that they actually have a reason to go because in most relationships, they are not as harmonious, um most people are not as lucky as I was back then, even though I was not aware of it. But, usually you have conflict, you have disagreements, you have discussion as well, you have triggers, especially when you are with an anxious person, and then at some point, this brings up all of the old wounds that the avoidant has anyway. So, they believe, "Oh, I'm constantly triggered, and we always have conflict and discussion. I feel so overwhelmed, and it's too much to me. So, we will never get together on a solid ground here. So, if we can't figure it out, then it's better to leave because we just have fights and conflict anyway. It's a toxic relationship." This is what avoidants usually convince themselves of. And then, they have an actual reason to go, at least this is what they think because they don't have the ability to deal with conflict and to sort things out, but they believe uh better leave than because I got hurt and I can't deal with that vulnerability.

[00:09:48]And yes, it's difficult. I still have that up to that day that if I am triggered, that if there is conflict, I still feel incredibly hurt, but it's not me ending the relationship or saying that it's the end of the world anymore.

[00:10:05]I was that in my first relationships and this is what most avoidants feel internally. Conflict means the end of the world for them, but not because they want to end the relationship, but it's more because they protect themselves from getting hurt again because they never learned to deal with conflict and to handle those kind of discussions and fights.

[00:10:27]That's the reason for it. Okay, why I'm telling you that? Because it's really important to understand that usually the avoidant leaves you and you have this no contact phase and they feel rejected because they can't deal with conflict and they are incredibly hurt. They are so hurt that they suffer and that they shut down and that they don't allow themselves anymore to be with another person.

[00:10:56]So if you are an avoidant watching this right now, this is the reason. So there is hope if you learn to handle conflict better. If you are the other part, if you are together with an avoidant, this is what happens because they can't deal with the conflict.

[00:11:14]Okay. Now we have the cut.

[00:11:18]We have the breakup. The avoidant leaves because they feel that they are pushed away or they pull away themselves because they think the relationship is too threatening and they're triggered for some reason.

[00:11:32]or if you are the other part, you broke up with them, you said "I can't deal with that anymore. You have no ability of conflict resolution skills. You are constantly feeling hurt and criticism hits you intensely and I don't know what to do. So, please sort your stuff out and then we can talk about coming back or you're totally angry anyway and frustrated by their behavior and push them away because you don't want to have toxic relationship. Both sides are absolutely understandable.

[00:12:08]And it's primarily, and I'm saying that as an avoidant, it's primarily about the avoidant working through that pattern and working on that behavior therefore to become a more securely attached person. And on the other hand, for all anxiously attached people or people who have been in a relationship with an avoidant who deal with that avoidant behavior and don't know what to do, you can work on giving them space and allowing them to work on themselves.

[00:12:47]But don't just take them back if they're not willing to do the self work. Both sides definitely are not responsible for each other.

[00:12:57]The avoidant has to do its work, the other part also has to do its work. We are always just responsible for ourselves. So, let's assume you had that breakup, the no contact phase.

[00:13:11]What happens in stage number one? This is the stage of no contact but invisible connection. And in this phase is usually from the avoidant side basically zero reach out. When I have been in that phase there was definitely no contact at first, but what was still present for me as an avoidant back then was this invisible emotional connection that I still had with my ex back then.

[00:13:43]At first, I was suffering my avoidant's hangover or the vulnerability hangover where I was first of all just uh relieved that the relationship was over, where I was just trying to digest everything that happened and deal with the grief and with the sadness that I was definitely feeling as well. So, breakups not an easy thing for an avoidant even if they don't show those emotions, but I was crying a lot. I was always crying um after my breakups. I was also crying out of a sense of um frustration and confusion because I couldn't understand why things wouldn't work out even if the relationship was great.

[00:14:29]Okay? So, but through that phase after some time in that recovery phase, there also these tiny sparks of uh I miss that person. Why wouldn't that work out, right? And the confusion um underlines that.

[00:14:47]So, I was I was kind of internally asking myself the relationship was good.

[00:14:53]It was lovely.

[00:14:56]Um why weren't things working out? I somehow miss that person, but I also was overwhelmed. So, was I wrong or aren't they actually the right person? And it's kind of an inner conflict where I was trying to convince myself that the relationship was actually great and that I should go back to them. On the other hand, I was also trying to protect myself and try to moving on. So, on a behavioral level, you see the avoidance, checking the other person's WhatsApp profile, you see them going on their social medias if they have any, um Googling their name, for example, um texting a mutual friend or meeting a mutual friend. If they had dates, for example, at home, they would, for example, be close to them by chilling in the park next to their apartment, which is actually kind of a stalking behavior, but it's not coming out of a malicious intent here. It's more coming out of a I want to feel how it feels to be close to you.

[00:16:05]And the avoidant might wish that you just by incident, by accident, would just also, by coincidence, walk through that park, and then you would meet again again, and you have this kind of connection. The avoidant wants to feel that connection again to you because they have this desire to see you. They have this desire to have that relationship, but they can't because they are not aware that they're overprotecting themselves.

[00:16:38]This is stage number one, which is definitely coined by a lot of confusion.

[00:16:43]Stage number two is the phase where the actual first attempts of reconnection happen. And stage number two usually happens maybe between 1 month and 4 months after the breakup. In this period of time, you usually, after the no contact phase, you usually see first attempts of a low-stake contact attempt, like just sending a casual text or a meme or commenting on social media is never based on a confession or an apology. It's more like a toe in the water, like checking things out, um understanding where you're currently standing, if you are seeing someone new after 3 months already, if you're ready for dating someone, or if you're just having a good life without them. What also often comes up here is in those first attempts something like uh maybe let's be friends here, um because they want to increase the contact. And on the inside they want nothing more but a reaction from the other person. They desire that their ex just reaches out to them and says you're totally okay the way you are. I love you and I take you back. Come, I give you a hug.

[00:18:17]This is the warm energy that they actually long for beneath all of that behavior. But still in that second phase the avoidant still swings between wanting with you and being full of anxiety. And I remember when I was in that first relationship I had that strongly. So it started with texting again in that second phase.

[00:18:40]I just tried to reach back out and maybe hey, we can be friends and we can see each other. Oh, and one thing before we go to phase number three if you are the other partner or the anxiously attached person, then it's highly important to still try to keep this no contact phase alive. So the more breadcrumbs you give them, the more you fuel this desire in them to come back without making the work which is needed. So, the avoidant definitely needs a certain degree of pain to realize what they actually lost.

[00:19:24]And you can make them feel this pain if you are the other person by also setting a boundary by saying, "You did hurt me and I don't take an apology by just you sending me text messages again. This is not an apology. This is just you trying to get my attention again. And if you didn't work on your patterns, if you didn't go to therapy or at least watch a course from understandable or something, I'm not going to take you back." And then, after 3 months, after 4 months, it's individual for everyone, but then usually stage three takes place.

[00:20:08]And this is the phase where usually this protection mechanism is cooled down, where the vulnerability, recovery, and hangover has been recovered. So, the avoidant actually comes back and is ready to see you again. Maybe they say, "Let's be friends. Let's just meet somehow. Let's go on a date maybe."

[00:20:38]Okay? This is what they do. And what's also usually present here is this intense attraction and sexual desire energy from the beginning of the relationship. So, if you had a dating phase just right in the beginning where the avoidant was full of love and affection with that person, then this sparkling energy will be back. If you're an avoidant, you know exactly what I'm talking about. This is when you remove all the patterns, all the anxieties, and dig through this pile of and just get directly to the core, the attraction, and the spark from the beginning. And this comes back. So, stage number three is also usually very much about sex, about being physical again, about um passionate kissing and making out and just feeling like butterflies again. But here is the thing.

[00:21:38]In that phase of being sexual and everything feels great again, this phase is still coined by the uncertainty.

[00:21:49]And as it is driven by not being sure if that's now again a real commitment or another dating phase, it also feels like uncertainty. So, the triggers, the patterns of the avoidant are not present in that stage number three.

[00:22:07]There's also no grand gesture because commitment doesn't look like commitment in that stage. The avoidant doesn't know that they need to commit again.

[00:22:18]They just enjoy this feeling of being connected and being full of loving sexual energy. And maybe the avoidant does make short-term plans again. They probably still don't talk about future commitments. And I remember that phase pretty well because for me, after stage number three, and this is why I say that stage number four, which comes now, is the most important one.

[00:22:48]For me, stage number four looked like that I actually decided to not go on.

[00:22:56]I pulled the emergency brake because I didn't understand my patterns back then.

[00:23:02]I wasn't aware of my avoidant behavior.

[00:23:05]So, I basically broke up finally, once and forever.

[00:23:11]And I would suggest that to everyone who realizes that there's actually no hope for change in this moment.

[00:23:22]So, if you are currently together with an avoidant and you see that stage number three is approaching and they pull back into their old patterns. They are not willing to work on things.

[00:23:35]They're not even aware that they are avoidant. They still have this deep belief that you are not the right person for them, then it ends here.

[00:23:47]This is stage number four with the dead end. But, there's also stage number four for some couples where the avoidant, through those three stages, realized what they actually miss.

[00:24:05]And that they actually have the problem with their patterns and behaviors. And that if they are not changing, they will end up in the same spot with every other person as well.

[00:24:23]If this realization comes, then we have a stage four with a clear decision of the avoidant saying, "I want to work on that."

[00:24:37]And that was me in my current relationship just after finishing my first therapy. I went to my current relationship. I met my current partner and I was facing all of those triggers again, all of those patterns. I was scared as hell to commit. I was seeing myself already pulling again. I was idealizing my single life.

[00:25:00]What did I do? I said, "I will never suffer again, and I will never make my partner suffer again." And I saw her suffering already. I went to therapy, and I told myself, "I will work through that stuff, and I will do whatever it takes to break through that pattern because I want to focus on love in my life. And I want to have that relationship, and I want to have maybe a family with her one day."

[00:25:30]That was this drive that was awake within me. And the moment where I understood, "It's time for stage number four. It's time for a decision, and I don't want to run away anymore."

[00:25:46]If that's you as an avoidant, that's amazing because that's the moment where you broke this first chain, where you realized what it takes, and that there is a pattern within you, that it's not about the other person. And if you are with someone who is an avoidant, and you see them making that exact realization, then there's hope, and then there's also a clear path which continues from stage number four.

[00:26:17]So, they will start working on their patterns. They will maybe hopefully go to therapy. They will start working with different tools and resources like our premium courses here at understandable.net, and the understandable AI, using AI for mental health reasons to reflect themselves. This is a huge part of breaking through avoidant attachment patterns to reflect a lot on them, understand that what the avoidant is telling themselves, the idealization of single life, looking for the perfect partner, focusing on hobbies, protecting their independence and freedom. All of those things, all of those concept and so thoughts and beliefs are just based on that protection mechanism. And when that realization happened, then you're good to go and you will have a working relationship where both people take responsibility for their patterns. And this is also true for everyone who is in a relationship with an avoidant person, focus on yourself, focus on your own healing journey and patterns. We all can improve ourselves in certain ways. And what I think, and that's the the final message here, what I learned in my years of therapy, what is most important for every kind of relationship is to meet each other and see each other with brutal honesty and also with compassion. So, don't constantly judge yourself.

[00:27:57]Set a boundary, yes.

[00:28:00]This is not okay how you behave.

[00:28:03]You can do that, but at the same time try to understand them.

[00:28:08]When there's no way out and one of two partners is absolutely not willing to understand the other side, is not willing to work on themselves, then this is not a working relationship. But this is what my first therapist always said, those heavy triggers and problems where you constantly have fights, where one is pulling away, where people are pushing each other away, sabotaging each other, that only happens in relationships where at least one person is not reflected and is not aware of their patterns and behaviors.

[00:28:49]One person is enough.

[00:28:51]If one out of two is not ready, is not doing the work, it won't work out.

[00:28:57]If both people are doing the work, then I believe also avoidant and anxious avoidant dynamics can work quite well.

[00:29:06]But, you have to do the work.

[00:29:09]I hope that this video was eye-opening for you. And it was quite a long video.

[00:29:14]If it did help you, then definitely to my channel. I share the avoidant perspective on those topics as a healed avoidant. I see you in the next video or on my website understandable.net. Have a fantastic, hopefully secure day.