The Mindset of an Emotional Construction Worker: Decenter Men

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:00]Hey, Pretty Girl Club. I don't know what I'm going to title this or what series I'm going to put this under, but I just wanted to talk a little bit about what wasting your beauty looks like. And I also want to talk about how women with inferiority complexes are never able to operate in a healthy relationship. Um, so I'm going to be using Alandria as an example because I recently saw her dusty boyfriend Nick, the same one who's not claiming her, by the way. She's claiming him. He's not claiming her. But her dusty man Nick came on to After the Villa, that new TV show that just came out, Beyond the Villa, he came on there to brag about how she bought him a $600 watch and he did not get her a gift that was as good. because remember this past Christmas he gave her one of those free Louis Vuitton pouches that comes when you actually purchase the bag. So the first question is who did Nick actually give the real Louis Vuitton bag to? Um by the way Nick is very well known for regifting. He's talked about it on his stories all the time. Nick has made content before about being frugal and cheap and how you know he rotates gifts.

[00:01:14]He will give certain things to his sisters or other family members. So, his brand before he decided to clout chase off Alandra, his brand was always about being cheap. And also, let's not forget that Nick had nowhere to live before he came on to Love Island. Um, so he decides to go on to Beyond the Villa so he can embarrass once again by bragging to his boys that Olanda bought him an expensive watch. And remember, Nick did not even take Olanda on a date on Valentine's Day. He did not get her anything on Valentine's Day. And the reason I'm talking about this is because I just want to point out that having an inferiority complex, it causes you to have an anxious attachment style. Uh it's very obvious that Alandria has an anxious attachment style. She has said countless times that she really, really, really wants marriage. She really wants to live kind of this traditional uh I guess you could call it like a trad wife type of lifestyle. At least that's what she used to talk about on Love Island.

[00:02:18]So the first way that you witnessed her anxious attachment style was with Taylor on Love Island. Taylor only talked to because he had no other options in the villa. Like no other girls like Taylor.

[00:02:31]So he was kind of like the quote unquote leftover guy. You know, all the other girls, they were like fing over Nick.

[00:02:36]actually um a lot of them were into Nick or like some of the other guys in there.

[00:02:40]So Taylor had no other options and also had no other options because Alandria on Love Island, she was constantly being passed up in favor of Shelly. Shelly was the dark-kinned star of the most recent Love Island. She was the star in terms of men trying to flirt with her and get at her or whatever. So, you know, you can't make the color as an excuse because Shellyley was still able to flirt and like, you know, she still got attention on the show or whatever. Um, but a part of Alandre's anxious attachment style has been attaching to breadcrumbs. That is one of the hallmarks of having anxious attachment.

[00:03:19]Have you ever met those types of girls where a man says hi to her and now she has a crush on him? A man sends her one text message and she's bragging that this man texted her. You know, she brags about a man who really isn't claiming her like that. And we see Alandria doing that. Alandrea has damn near been on a whole press tour at this point trying to save Nick's image. And so, this is something that commonly happens with women who have anxious attachment styles. A lot of times you attract men who make you into their emotional cleanup woman. You become his emotional construction worker. You're trying to reconstruct his image. You're trying to make him look better than what he actually is. You're trying to restore his image because, you know, if his image is dusty, then it kind of rubs off on you.

[00:04:08]So, that's a part of what happens to women with these anxious attachment styles. They they try to be an emotional construction worker because that woman wants to feel like she has a high value man. That that's a male- centered woman.

[00:04:22]She feels like her value is based on the type of man she can attract. So, I'm using Olandra as an example. I I think she's a great case study for this. Let's just look at behavior versus Shel. When Shelley realized that Ace was dusty, Shelly just left him. You know, she just they broke up and then she just was unbothered after that. Olanda should have gone down the same path. Olandria should have taken a page out of Shel's book and just break up with the guy, you know, just get your little clout and then break up once he starts being super embarrassing and dusty. Once that man starts tainting your brand, you have to drop him so you can move on. But women with an anxious attachment style, they can't let go because they struggle with codependency. And remember, who do anxious people tend to attract? Who's the number one attachment style that anxious women tend to attract? They attract avoidance.

[00:05:18]They get caught up in this anxious avoidance cycle. So, an avoidant like Nick, he literally doesn't touch or kiss or show any PDA towards Alandre unless he's being paid. He literally avoided taking her on a date on Valentine's Day.

[00:05:33]He avoided getting her flowers on Valentine's Day. He avoids being with her pretty much at all costs. He uses his work as an excuse when we all know damn well Nick doesn't have a job. He He never really had a career like that. He never really had talent like that. And suddenly he's trying to pretend like he's a DJ. Dude, you're not out here DJing at Coachella. You're not the top DJ in the world. So, it's like, if somebody really loves you, they're going to show up for you, right? So, why is it that Olanda is constantly showing up to Nick's events? Olandrea is traveling all over the country, traveling all over the world to anxiously chase after Nick.

[00:06:11]That's one of the hallmarks of women who have these anxious attachment styles.

[00:06:16]They're always chasing after men. And we saw that same behavior with Olandria in the villa towards Taylor. Taylor never said that he liked her. He literally never said that.

[00:06:27]But Alandria got so pissed off she tried to basically villainize Taylor like, "Oh, he was dragging me along." And it's like, "No, ma'am. You were dragging yourself along." Go back and watch Love Island and you'll see that Taylor, he barely ever even complimented Olanda.

[00:06:43]Like, think about how validation starved you have to be to catch a crush on a man who doesn't even compliment you. Think about the desperation there. And by the way, women who have anxious dating styles, they have a hard time detaching.

[00:07:01]That's one of the hallmarks of being anxious. She has a hard time breaking up with a guy. So, she knows he's dusty.

[00:07:07]She knows he mistreats her. She knows this guy is beneath her. She knows he's not helping her. but then she never leaves the guy. That's another hallmark of anxious attachment. She can't let go.

[00:07:18]These are the women who stay in relationships long past their lifespan.

[00:07:22]Have you ever met a woman who's always trying to revive her relationship? She's always scrambling trying to keep that man interested. She's scrambling trying to keep things fresh in the relationship. She's researching all these different methods and tactics she can use to try to like somehow create that spark again. Well, that's a woman with an anxious attachment style. Um, and this is very common amongst women with inferiority complexes because those types of women have never received enough validation. Their validation starved. So, remember how I talked about the fem cell mindset? Um, I know that true fem cells don't really exist, but that's just the closest word I can use to describe it. Remember how I talked about how there are some women where maybe they've had a lot of experience with one type of guy, but maybe she's a female when it comes to her type. So, you know, maybe she's always had access to like dark-kinned black men, for example. But then when it comes to men lighter than her, maybe she doesn't really have access to that. Maybe she's a female or she's more desperate for like a white man.

[00:08:28]So, I really feel like with some women, their behavior literally changes based on who the man is. Their level of desperation and anxiety changes based on that man's social status. So, it it's almost like some of these women have a fear of being replaced. Um, I don't know if you've ever heard women talk about that, feeling replaced, feeling invisible, feeling like they're always second best, feeling like another girl always gets chosen over them. All of that stuff ties into this anxious attachment style. These women where they just can't let go of a dead relationship. So, using Alandria as an example again, she attached to Taylor in the villa way too early. And then Jaylen came along, who was actually her type because according to Alandria's own talking points on Love Island, she said that she is from Alabama. She's from the south. She said she loves southern country boys and she really just wants to find love and kind of like settle down or whatever. So then Jaylen comes along and he actually fits exactly what said she wanted. And then Jaylen was actually interested in. He treated her way better than Nick did because remember throughout the entire time in the villa, Nick was obsessed with Sierra. I mean pretty much anything that was not dark skin, Nick was all over it.

[00:09:45]You know, first he was talking to Bella, he was talking to Sierra, he was interested in Jaden. So Nick has a totally different type that is the opposite of Alandria. Meanwhile, Jaylen, he came into the villa and he noticed Alandria right off the bat. But a lot of times women with these anxious attachment styles, they get blinded.

[00:10:06]They get like digmatized very easily.

[00:10:08]They get blinded very easily. Um, a lot of these women, they struggle with fantasy bonding. So, at the time, Olandria was in a fantasy bond with Taylor. So, a fantasy bond means that you're basically you're you have a one-sided crush or you kind of have like this one-sided relationship. Um, kind of like how Olandria does right now with Nick, but back then it was with Taylor.

[00:10:30]So, because attached to Taylor emotionally, she overattached to him way too early. And so she rejected Jaylen because she was trying to show loyalty towards Taylor because, you know, Taylor didn't have any other women he was talking to in the villa either. But with Taylor, the only reason he wasn't talking to other women was because the women weren't talking to him. It wasn't because he was so into Oland. So Olanda, she lacked critical thinking skills. She lacked analysis when it came to the villa. And so that's the only reason Taylor and ended up kind of together. Anyway, it was because both of them were quote unquote leftovers, for lack of better words. Both of them had no interest from other people within the the villa. No one else wanted to couple up with either of them. And then Clark comes in and then Taylor ends up getting with Clark. So, let's just look at this little love triangle. Let's look at Alandria, Taylor, and Jaylen. So, overattached to Taylor. Taylor rejected Olanda and he ended up still to this day in a long-term relationship with Clark.

[00:11:40]He's act he's actively claiming Clark.

[00:11:43]He's spoiling Clark on social media. And by the way, I'm not putting these men on a on a pedestal. I'm just comparing them to Nick. Okay, so Taylor treats Clark way better than Nick treats. And then you got Jaylen who recently announced his marriage.

[00:11:59]So, the same thing that Alandria claims that she's wanted so bad, which was a a marriage to a country boy, she does have a history of preferring black men as well. So, Jaylen would have actually fit that. Jaylen actually liked Alandria.

[00:12:14]Jaylen actually preferred Alandria, but she wasn't into it. So, these two guys, both of them are in long-term relationships. Both of these men treat their women better than how Nick has treated Olanda. Cuz I haven't seen Jaylen with pictures of him kissing another woman or, you know, I haven't seen Jaylen bragging about the gifts that his wife is getting him and then he's not getting anything in return. And I haven't seen that behavior from Taylor either. So even if these three men are all dusty, out of the three, who's the dustiest? It's actually Nick. Nick is the dustiest. But women who have these anxious attachment styles, they'd rather have the dustiest man than to have no man at all. And for all the people who say, "Oh, well, she's just trying to build her brand." How does attaching to a dusty build your brand? Especially as an unambiguous dark-skinned black woman.

[00:13:07]And we all know that dark-kinned black women do not want to be perceived as mules. But that's exactly what Alandre is doing for Nick's brand. She is working as his emotional construction worker. She's his emotional construction worker. She is his freaking PR guru. She talks about him way more than he talks about her. She promotes him way more than he promotes her. And for all the people watching saying, "Oh, no, but Alandre is just using him to get her bags." That's not true. Alandra is not that type of person. According to her own talking points, she values authenticity. She values being genuine and she genuinely likes Nick. And that's what she said several times. In fact, was willing to cut off her friendships with Shel and Ace because Shel and Ace, they thought that Nick was disingenuous.

[00:13:56]Shel and Ace, they never said that Alandria was disingenuous. They were just upset because they felt like Nick was playing her and they felt like she was falling for it. So, instead of Olanda listening to people who were trying to be reasonable, she decides to cut off her friends who happen to be black in favor of this white man. and in hopes that she can like work out with this white guy Nick. So that's another hallmark of the anxious attachment style. People who are anxiously attached and their validation starved, they will sacrifice anything for a shot at love.

[00:14:31]They'll sacrifice friendships. They'll sacrifice their racial loyalty. You know, they don't care about representing for black people anymore. They'll they'll go from pro black, kind of like Alandre went from pro black to suddenly being a a fake divester.

[00:14:47]all so she could have a shot at this love. That's a hallmark of anxious attachment. Have you ever had a friend where as soon as she gets a boyfriend and it'll be like a toxic, dusty boyfriend? As soon as she gets this guy, then suddenly she cuts everyone off.

[00:15:01]Everyone who tries to warn her and say, "Hey, this guy's dusty. Hey, this guy is not being genuine with you." Everyone who warns her, she cuts those people off. Instead of cutting off the dusty, she'd rather cut off her friends or family members. Okay. Number three, social climbing mistake. And one of the aspects of anxious attachment is women who are anxiously attached, they stay in undefined situationships for months. So that's the prolonged talking stage. It has been about 10 months since Nick and first got together. So according to a relationship, but they're really in a talking stage. According to Nick, uh Nick has still never publicly claimed her. He has still never called her his girlfriend. He didn't do anything for her on Valentine's Day. He's been pictured with several other women. He has a history of being polyamorous and a history of being a cheater, according to his own ex and according to what he told Bella, who was also in the villa as well. Have you ever met a woman who's willing to settle for situationships over and over again? Are you one of those people? Because if so, that's one of the hallmarks of anxious attachment.

[00:16:08]And I can talk about avoidant attachment in another episode as well. Um, but women who are anxiously attached, they don't care what the title is as long as they have the attention. As long as they get just a little bit of his time, as long as they get just a little bit of breadcrumbs. Usually, these women are so thirsty. Um, they're they're so thirsty for this guy's attention for whatever reason. Usually, the bigger pedestal she puts him on, the more thirsty she is for his attention. So, maybe wouldn't have tolerated this with somebody else. Do you think Alandria would have tolerated this type of behavior from Taylor, for example? No, probably not, cuz they're black. But for some women, the higher pedestal they put the man on, the more [ __ ] they're willing to tolerate from him, the more breadcrumbs they're willing to tolerate.

[00:16:56]So, a breadcrumb from a white man feels like a feast compared to a decent black man. Cuz like I said, just look at how Jaylen treats his woman and then look at how Taylor treats his woman. you know, both these guys are black. Just compare versus how Nick, a white man, treats not only, but all the women before her. So, that's another mistake that women make as well. Thinking that he's going to treat you different, thinking that you're the special snowflake. And it's like, if he already cheated on everybody else, if he already disrespected Bella, he disrespected Sierra, he disrespected his ex before that, he already lied to and disrespected those women. He views women based on the spectual favors they'll give him. Why would it suddenly be any different with you, Olanda? Cuz you're black. Cuz you're darkkinned. So your melanin suddenly makes him faithful. So do you see what I mean by fantasy bonding? It's this fantasy mindset. Oh well, you know, he was an [ __ ] before, but he's suddenly going to become a prince charming because he's with me. So my melanin is just going to hypnotize him into acting right. And not only has that not been the case, but unfortunately, we saw Olandria go from kind of this classy tradife type to suddenly twerking in the abyss, shaking ass, trying to get Nick's attention. And we know that that's not how Olandrea represented herself in the villa. She was always talking about being classy and how, you know, she doesn't want to just kiss on everybody and do all that stuff outside of the challenges. But now, because she's with Nick, guess what? Nick's not changing his standards.

[00:18:31]Like I said, Nick only values women based on how many sexual favors they can do. So, the only way she can get Nick's attention is by shaking ass in the strip club.

[00:18:41]So, imagine going from this classy, you know, trying to be like this Michelle Obama type of black woman to suddenly becoming like this sexy red type of woman. That's another aspect of anxious attachment. The woman who has to change herself. She's morphing herself into whatever identity she thinks that man will like. He likes hoes. Okay, I'm gonna act like a hoe now. Oh, he likes white girls. Okay, I'm going to try to do hella light foundation and and super bright contouring. Oh, he likes big boobs. I'm going to get a boob job. He likes BBLs, I'm going to get a BBL. Have you ever met women like that? They will change and morph themselves into whatever they think that man wants them to be. Another part of women who are anxious is they have a hard time with emotional distance. They have a hard time with distance in general. They have a tendency to chase after a man, you know. So, I if if she's a woman who attracts avoidant men or she's in a relationship with an avoidant man, that means that she's anxious because in order to get into a relationship with an avoidant, you have to chase them. So, anybody that says, "Oh, you know, all my exes were avoidant." Okay, she just admitted that she chases men then because that's literally the only way that you would attract an avoidant.

[00:19:55]That's the only way to really keep an avoidant around is you have to chase them and then you have to allow them to basically leave you and abandon you and then come back whenever they want. So, you have to chase them and then you have to um have no boundaries.

[00:20:10]That that's the only way that you can stay with an avoidant. If you want to be with an avoidant person, you have to be okay with sweeping things under the rug.

[00:20:19]You have to be okay with letting that person argue back and forth and then just pretending like nothing happened.

[00:20:25]So, you have to basically have no boundaries.

[00:20:28]So, anytime you hear somebody say, "Oh, all my exes were avoidant or you know, the only rel the only relationships I've ever been in have been avoidant." Okay, so she's anxious then. She's anxious.

[00:20:40]She chases men and she has utilized pickme behaviors in order to keep that man. And then obviously it never works out in the end. And I think another misconception too is people think that if you have a secure attachment style and if he has a secure attachment style, they think the relationship's going to work out. And that's false. You know, only inexperienced people say that.

[00:21:02]People who have experienced a lot of romantic relationships know that even if both of you guys have a secure attachment style, you could still be incompatible.

[00:21:12]Attachment style does not equal compatibility.

[00:21:16]So, I think that's another misconception like, "Oh, well, if your relationship was secure, you guys should have got married." That's also false. A a secure relationship can be dusty as well. So, you're definitely not going to convince me that an anxious avoidant relationship like Nicolandria is healthy. Also, I want to talk a little bit about wasting your beauty and how one of the ways that women waste their beauty is by spending not just their youth and their time, but also spending the money that they made off their beauty. spending that money chasing after a man. So, out of Alandria and Nick, who do you think is the more famous person? Who do you think is the more rich person? Who do you think has more brand deals and opportunities?

[00:21:57]Obviously, it's Alandria. So, it's pretty safe to say at this point that she is hypogamous because there's no way you can convince me that Nick on his own is more famous than he's not. He's not more relevant than definitely outshines him. So that tells me that she's also hypogous. That's another aspect of the anxious attachment style. These women are willing to sacrifice anything, including their wealth, including their youth, including their beauty. So instead of using their beauty to just make money and kind of live the soft life and not stress about a man, they'll be over here stressed out chasing a man all across the country like what Olandria has been doing. Nick was not over here inviting to his stuff. And even if he is, that's not romantic at all. Imagine wanting to date a guy and then he says, "Okay, you want to come sit around in my job? You want to come sit in my office then while I'm working?" That's not a date. That's called bare minimum breadcrumbs. And so women who are anxious, they find themselves chasing after a man, kind of like, chasing after whatever his gigs are, always going to his work gigs. He doesn't go to hers. He never reciprocates. She's getting him $600 watches, you know, buying him Rolexes and [ __ ] all in the hopes that he will someday reciprocate. And a lot of anxiously attached women, they do tend to care more about their image. Um, the they're the ones who post their relationships on social media the most, by the way. And and another thing, the more I see people post their relationship on social media, the less I believe it because I'm like, okay, think about the whole concept of social media.

[00:23:38]You're promoting things. You know, that's the whole point of media. You're broadcasting it to the whole world.

[00:23:43]Usually, if somebody is genuinely happy and they're just enjoying themselves, they don't have to broadcast something to the world every single day or, you know, several times a week, they don't have to do that because a lot of times people post their relationship everywhere because they want to prove to others and they want to prove to themselves that they're successful and that they made it. Also, social media is a dopamine hit. So, a lot of women who are emotionally neglected, anxious women are probably the most emotionally neglected out of all the attachment styles. I would say anxious. They're probably the most neglected. So, generally speaking, because they're neglected, they're going to seek validation on social media. And so, if they have a lot of people saying, "Oh, congratulations on your relationship."

[00:24:27]Or, "Oh, happy anniversary." Or, you know, saying all this stuff, "Oh, you guys are so cute. You guys are relationship goals." that kind of helps her to restore her sense of dopamine. It helps her to restore her sense of self again because she's not actually getting that treatment she wants within the relationship. And that's why whenever you ask an anxious woman, "What are the flaws in your relationship?" She'll never answer. She can't answer that.

[00:24:51]She's only going to ever tell you the good side. Those are the anxiously attached women. Most anxiously attached women, they're not just anxious about their relationship. So you are telling me that you're anxious about your relationship, you're anxious about your desiraability, but suddenly you're not anxious about anything else in life.

[00:25:10]Suddenly with everything else, you're perfect. No. So what I've noticed about a lot of anxious women is they have a fear of being exposed. They have a fear of like being broken up with or they have a fear of like people witnessing their breakup. That's their biggest fear. So anxious women are actually the main ones who have the my man, my man, my man talking points. Those are the main ones. They're the main ones that say, "Oh, well, you're just jealous cuz you can't get a white man." Like, you know, they'll they'll say things like, "Oh, well, I'm healing the world by having him." Oh, and by the way, another thing, too, is they will have this scarcity mindset. Andrea has had multiple quotes where she exposed her scarcity mindset. She literally admitted. She was like, "Oh, you don't usually see a woman who looks like me being yearned for and loved." Okay, if that's not a scarcity mindset, I don't know what is. To imply on a national platform that dark-kinned women are just unloved and nobody wants them, that's extremely insecure and that's definitely giving scarcity mindset. Lepita Niongo would never. Lepita Niongo would never.

[00:26:18]Also, admitted on the red carpet, which is completely inappropriate, she literally said that she felt like at one point that her dark skin was a curse.

[00:26:28]So, once again, Leita Nongo would never I've never seen any confident, normal, pretty, dark-kinned black women go on the red carpet and announce that they feel like their skin tone is a curse.

[00:26:41]Oh, but now now I'm more confident about my skin tone because, you know, now I've been yearned for by Nick or, you know, now I have all this stuff going for me.

[00:26:49]So now I'm more accepting of my dark skin tone. Okay, that doesn't make it any better. That actually makes it worse because now you're admitting you have an external locus of control. So now you're saying you only like your dark skin if other people celebrate your dark skin.

[00:27:04]So that's not the hallmarks of a confident woman. Something else I've noticed about women with inferiority complexes is they have a high abuse tolerance.

[00:27:16]So, in order to stay in some of these relationships, the amount of BS you have to put up with is insane. So, that's why I call it a high abuse tolerance where you know, you're willing to go through all of these crazy arguments. You're willing to let this guy cheat or let him embarrass you and then you come back.

[00:27:33]You have a high abuse tolerance. Because if you look at what causes someone to be anxious, it comes from their caregivers, like their parents, being inconsistent and emotionally unpredictable.

[00:27:45]So that means that either their parents, maybe their mom and dad both were this way, or maybe they had one parent that that was this way, like kind of unpredictable. So these types of women, they're okay with unpredictability, aka instability.

[00:28:01]An anxiously attached woman can only attract unstable relationships. So this on andoff dynamic, you know, you're constantly chasing after him. As soon as you stop chasing him, then the relationship is called off. It's over now. So then you have to chase him again. They're constantly going through these cycles. There's an unstable nature to their relationship.

[00:28:23]Also, you guys have to remember the anxious woman. These are the ones who are the clingy ones. You know, they're the needy ones. Um, these are the ones who are overfunctioning. So, they're overgiving. They're buying gifts for men who don't do that for them. They're overextending emotionally. They're they're trying to become indispensable.

[00:28:43]Have you ever met those women where they can't be beautiful, so they have to be useful.

[00:28:48]They they don't have the pretty privilege. They don't have the aura.

[00:28:51]They don't have the personality, etc. So, they have to just be useful. So, that's where this whole stereotype comes from of being a mule. If I can't be your muse, I'll be your mule. If I can't be your fantasy woman, I'll just pack your condoms for you when you go out and cheat. They're they're the types of women where they overextend themselves.

[00:29:13]They're basically self-sacrificing to a fault. These women are emotional martyrs. So, she's willing to destroy her own emotional state so she can rebuild his. That's why I call them emotional construction workers. It It's just like another version of a mule.

[00:29:27]You're constructing and building up his ego. You're building up his business.

[00:29:31]You're building up his brand. You're trying to build him up in the minds of others. Have you ever met a woman where she's got this dusty ass boyfriend and she swears up and down he's so high value? She wants to try to convince everybody how high value her man is. She brags about her man when nobody asked.

[00:29:49]She brags about how good he looks or his race or she brags about how much money he has knowing that he doesn't have that much money, you know. So, these women are they're the emotional construction workers. They're the cleanup women.

[00:30:03]These women are very uh male- centered to the point where they would rather help him build. So, they tend to attract men who are not builders. Um, and these women's, a lot of anxious women's strength is that they are builders. They really are. They're great at building other people up. They're fantastic at building other people's businesses.

[00:30:22]They're they're great servants. They make really good housemmaids. They they make really good administrative assistants. I mean, this goes beyond just relationships as well. I actually believe that a person can be anxiously attached to their job. They can be anxiously attached in many other areas.

[00:30:37]Um, but in this episode, I'm just talking about relationships. But anxious women actually are fantastic employees.

[00:30:44]They make a great sidekick. They make a wonderful helpmate. You know how they talk about, oh, the woman is the helpmate? Well, guess what? If you want a great helpmate, just go for an anxious woman. Anxious women will work their way into your love. I mean, that's really what they feel. They feel like they have to be your employee in order to like kind of earn your love. So, it's like, oh, if I can give him money, if I can help him get his money up, if I can build up his business, if I can just let him get away with anything, then he will finally love me the way I want. If I just buy him fancy gifts, then he'll finally love me.

[00:31:21]They also compare themselves to others.

[00:31:24]They have a hyperfocus on desiraability.

[00:31:27]Remember how I talked about desiraability, anxiety.

[00:31:31]So these women, they're also anxiously attached to being desirable. That's really their number one goal. She has to be the baddest [ __ ] in the room. You know, she has to feel like she's the most desirable in terms of like the male gays. she has to feel super desirable.

[00:31:48]And so I've noticed that a lot of anxious women, they are the ones who compare themselves to others the most. I mean, they'll be obsessing over appearance, glowups. These are the women who say things like, "Oh, your nail polish isn't good enough." You know, they're they hyperfocus on these teeny tiny details. Oh, your nail polish isn't perfect. Your eyebrows don't look perfect enough. Your heels are not high enough. You're wearing two inch heels.

[00:32:11]You need three-inch heels. Oh, well, you need to do a French manicure. So they they hyperfocus on every little teeny tiny aspect of your appearance because they're so afraid of losing the male gaze. And I've said this before, if your man dumps you, if a guy dumps you cuz your nail polish is chipped, he never liked you. If he dumps you because you're wearing 2in heels and not 3in heels, he doesn't like you and he never did. But anxious women, they don't understand that. They feel like they they can perform their way into love.

[00:32:43]They're constantly performing femininity. They've got this performance mindset and the performance mindset is so bad that they literally had to create a movement talking about resting. Oh no, you need to learn how to rest in your femininity versus performing femininity.

[00:32:57]Well, who told you you needed to perform? That's that anxious attachment style. That's that anxious [ __ ] That's that anxious desire to be a part of the male gaze or or to be loved. You know, it's a desperation. That's really what it is. I feel like anxious attachment is just a nice way of saying desperate attachment if I had to choose.

[00:33:18]I mean, both of them are pretty toxic anyway. Anxious or avoidant or disorganized, you know? I mean, they're all toxic in their own way, but it's like being desperate. I feel like that's the worst place to be is being desperate. A lot of anxious women, it's almost like they're working on a point system. Okay, well, if my nails are done, that's one point in my favor.

[00:33:39]Well, if my lashes are done, that's another point in my favor. Well, if my eyebrows are done, and if my teeth are done, and if my BBL is done, and if my fillers are done, you know, they're they're hyperfocusing and they're doing this stuff not cuz they actually like it, but because their man likes it or whoever their type is likes it. So, you know, inrea's case, using her as an example, she wanted to be wholesome.

[00:34:02]That's who she wanted to be. But then Nick doesn't like that. So now she's twerking in the abyss trying to get Nick's attention, allowing him to go to strip clubs, going to strip clubs with him when that is the complete opposite persona of what she promoted in the villa. They also waste their beauty by uh overinvesting too early. So giving a man access to your beauty when he doesn't deserve. That's why like in my case, if there's some guy around and he's not even investing in me, why the [ __ ] would I stress out over him? Why would I stress out about my nails or like my shoes not being high enough over this random Dusty, this guy who has not invested anything in me? I'm supposed to stress out and and try to be a part of a worldwide beauty competition to impress some random dusty that could care less about me. And I'm not against like beauty enhancements and stuff, but I just feel like sometimes women, they only do their beauty enhancements out of a place of anxiety. So there's a difference between you liking a certain look and then you doing it because you think he will like it. So for example with that whole obsession about shopping at Zara. If you genuinely shop at Zara that's one thing. In my case I don't genuinely shop at Zara. So that would be disingenuous for me to suddenly shop at Zara. Oh well what do the white women dress like? Oh well what kind of old money look? You know what what do white old men like? Oh they like old money.

[00:35:26]Okay, so let me put my hair in a French roll and then start shopping at Zara because that's what men would like.

[00:35:32]That's anxious attachment. All of that, that that's anxiety. It's anxious attachment. It's this feeling of urgency as well. Oh, you better hurry up before you hit the wall. You better hurry up and get married. Oh, you're 35, you're 45. Oh, you're not going to be able to have babies. Anxious attachment.

[00:35:49]So, some examples of um anxious attachment thoughts that they think are like, "I'm running out of time.

[00:35:58]I better hurry up and get married. What if nobody chooses me? Everybody else is moving ahead except me. All my friends are married and I'm not. That's not fair." All of that is anxious attachment. Oh, well, it's so rare for somebody to like me. Kind of like Alandria, you know, she revealed it in her quote saying that it was rare for someone to like someone as dark as her.

[00:36:18]So that's anxious attachment style. As a matter of fact, I feel like inferiority complexes and anxious attachment styles are linked. So, you know, if you're dark skin and you've been taught that it's rare for someone to like dark skin, you most likely have an anxious attachment style. I wouldn't be surprised if you did. Um, or like this mindset of I can't lose this person.

[00:36:43]Everybody else is moving ahead of me. I may never find someone that I like this much ever again. I need to lock this guy down before somebody else takes him. I have to prove that I'm worthy of committing to anxious women. They they're always trying to prove themselves. Always trying to prove that they're just as pretty as the light-skinned or just as pretty as the white girl or whatever. You know, she's always measuring herself up against some invisible metric, always trying to prove herself.

[00:37:11]And then you know this this mindset of my value decreases with age or I should settle I should settle more.

[00:37:20]I should tolerate more because dating is already hard enough. So you know I'll just start approaching men. I'll just start buying them gifts. Basically I'll go into my masculine. I will reverse roles and become an emotional construction worker so I can get the mail gaze.

[00:37:36]Being chosen means I'm successful.

[00:37:39]I'm I'm only gonna feel secure once I'm in a relationship. All of that is anxious. That that's like an anxious mindset. And by the way, I also believe it's possible to have an anxious attachment to beauty. So, for example, she's prettier than me. Well, why is everybody else engaged? Well, I'm behind in life. Well, I'm I'm wasting my best years. You know, my best years are behind me. Why do other women get commitment easier than me? It's this comparison mindset.

[00:38:08]They also tend to date based on potential. That's one of the common hallmarks of anxious women. She's always dating somebody based on his potential.

[00:38:17]She'll be like, "Oh, well, you know, he's not as broke as he was 5 years ago.

[00:38:21]I mean, he's still broke right now, but like before he was super super broke, so now he's better, and that means that he could become a millionaire later." So, this type of woman, she's always focusing on what he could be, how great he could be if he just tweaked a couple of little things. So, that's another thing, too. She's constantly wishing for him to change. She's secretly hoping to change that man. Have you ever met those types of women? The fixers. That's why I said they're like emotional construction workers. She wants to fix him. She wants to cure his cheating. You know, she thinks that she can cure his cheating.

[00:38:54]She thinks that she can change him from being a narc to suddenly being loving and kind.

[00:39:00]But what do you ladies think? Let me know in the comment section, and I'll talk to you next time. Stay pretty, ladies.