Is Everyone a "little" Autistic? (no)

[00:00:00]Is everyone just a little bit autistic?

[00:00:02]Let's talk about that.

[00:00:05][music] Hello, my lovely viewers. Today, [music] I wanted to explore this phenomenon that I see happening more and more. I almost see people using autism as an adjective to describe quirkiness, social differences, uniqueness, and I've also seen people oversimplifying what it means to be autistic in order to better cope with the cognitive dissonance that comes with learning about someone in your life that's autistic that you don't see fits within the stereotype of autism. And so, I want to talk about that. I want to approach it from all different angles because I do think in some aspects people losing the meaning of what autism means isn't completely horrible. Okay, stick with me here you guys. It's not completely horrible. And I'm sure anyone in my audience who studies sociology or are sociologists can understand. in order to deconstruct our initial understanding of something, there has to be a period of time where there's no specific definitive structure that people are working off of. And I think we're in a very unique time in history right now where we are deconstructing our understanding of autism so much that we're honestly in this weird liinal space where society has kind of lost meaning of what autism is. And it's because we're trying to find it. we're trying to refind it or we're trying to discover it or we're trying to build a new definition, right?

[00:01:36]And I think this is something that a lot of autistic people would appreciate listening to because when we hear people say things like everyone's autistic or I have a little bit of the tism, too, hopefully today I could help explain to you guys why those sorts of statements makes you feel the way that you do. And maybe this is a video you could even send to your loved ones that are actually interested in learning about why certain ideologies like this or saying phrases like this could be invalidating or hurtful and maybe they could learn something new from this video. In general, I just want to bridge the gap of understanding. The goal isn't to create more of a rift through enabling paradox as two separate things.

[00:02:18]You have to see every side of everything to fully understand the thing, you know.

[00:02:23]And so with that being said, make sure you guys get cozy, get situated. I don't know how you guys usually like to watch my videos or listen to my videos, whether you're doing chores or, you know, driving to work or whatever it is.

[00:02:36]But, um, get yourself something to drink, get comfy, and let's dive into this exploration together.

[00:02:45]One of the most common responses autistic people receive after disclosing they're autistic is some variation of I think everyone's a little autistic.

[00:02:54]We're all a little bit on the spectrum or I have a little bit of the tism too.

[00:02:59]For many autistic people that response feels surprisingly invalidating which is interesting because the people saying it often have completely different intentions. Some are trying to connect with us. Some are trying to understand us. Some are trying to do their part in normalizing autism. Some are trying to make you feel less alone. And yet, many autistic people walk away from these interactions feeling like something important was lost in translation. I've spent a lot of time wondering why completely different people can arrive at the exact same sentence through completely different paths. So, let's break those paths down. Path one is when people try to reduce cognitive dissonance. Imagine you've only ever been exposed to a very stereotyped understanding of autism. Maybe your mental picture looks something like this. Someone who's autistic is someone who can't communicate, someone who can't maintain relationships, someone who can't work, someone whose disability is immediately visible, someone who is obviously struggling. Then one day you meet an autistic person who doesn't fit that picture. They're articulate, funny, insightful, independent, successful.

[00:04:12]Now, your brain has a contradiction to solve. You could decide that your understanding of autism was incomplete.

[00:04:18]You could expand your definition of autism, or you could shrink autism until it comfortably fits inside the world view you already have. That's where everyone's a little autistic often comes from. It's a psychologically efficient solution. Instead of updating your understanding of autism, autism gets updated to match your existing understanding of people. But the issue is that something quietly disappears in that process. Once autism becomes something that everybody experiences, its developmental, neurological, sociological, systematic, and clinically significant aspects begin fading into the background. not because anyone intended to erase them, but because the contradiction has already been resolved.

[00:05:08]So, I've personally come across a lot of these sorts of people that try to resolve their cognitive dissonance with saying things like, I guess everyone's autistic, right? Like, everyone's a little bit autistic nowadays. Mind you guys, I don't share I'm autistic to people easily. That's not something I find is interesting or necessary when I'm meeting people face to face and talking to them and things like that.

[00:05:34]But there are specific instances where my autism will come up in conversation and I will talk about it if it's anecdotal rather than personal. in instances where I'm at the doctors and so for whatever reason if my autism diagnosis comes up during an appointment because I'm trying to explain the way that I process to the doctor and things like that cuz that is significant to talking about my symptoms. Every single time my diagnosis comes up in conversation, people have that same response every time. There's like a moment where I could see like that loading symbol above their head and they're trying to process that this person that they have come to know is autistic and that somehow doesn't fit their understanding of who I am. The immediate reaction they always go to is to try to comfort me by saying, "Oh, but you seem normal." Or, "I guess everyone's autistic nowadays." Which is essentially their way of saying, "You're not that broken. You're not that bad."

[00:06:36]right? Like you're not that disabled.

[00:06:38]You know, they think when I bring up my autism, it's almost like self-degradation in a weird way. And so they think that they're trying to comfort me by being like, "Oh yeah, you're not that bad, though. Everyone has something wrong with them.

[00:06:50]Everyone's a little bit depressed.

[00:06:51]Everyone's a little bit anxious." But it's just interesting when that happens because to me, I'm like, I just said something that was factually true and you're trying to comfort me. I don't feel bad, but it's interesting that you think I feel bad and it's interesting that you're trying to comfort me. So, it's like, do you feel bad or do you think I feel bad? Because if you feel bad, that's fine, but at least own up to the fact that you feel uncomfortable rather than thinking that I'm the one that's uncomfortable, you know? So instead of trying to make me feel better, be straight up and and say things like, "Oh, that makes me feel uncomfortable because I relate to you and I don't think I'm autistic, so that makes me question myself." You know what I'm saying? It's like people don't have enough capacity or self-awareness to know when they're the ones uncomfortable versus when they think you're uncomfortable. And every time this happens, I will say it is somewhat upsetting because one, I didn't feel bad. So, you didn't have to try to comfort me to begin with. Two, your way of comforting me was actually not really doing what you think it was doing. You know what I'm saying? Like, you think you're trying to make me feel better by making me feel less broken by saying everyone's a little bit broken, but in reality, you're diluting what your understanding of autism is in order to make yourself feel more comfortable. and diluting your perception of autism is not making me feel any better because no, not everyone is autistic. If everyone was a little autistic, everyone would be getting diagnosed. And that's not true. Getting diagnosed with autism is actually extremely difficult for a lot of people. It's expensive. It's hard to find a qualified assessor. And a lot of people go in for their assessments only to be told they're not autistic.

[00:08:41]And so if autism really was that common, then there wouldn't be so many people throughout the world having such a difficult time getting assessed and diagnosed. And the thing is, this is just someone being lazy. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing or a good thing, but between all of the choices for someone to resolve their cognitive dissonance, choosing to dilute their understanding of autism to fit their world view rather than challenging themselves to learn more and expand their understanding of autism and then challenging their old worldview of things, people, autism is somewhat lazy.

[00:09:22]When faced with a person that challenges your initial perception, are you the type of person that will take a step back and be like, "Hey, this confuses me. I'm going to ask questions and I'm going to learn so that I'm less confused." Or are you the type of person that's like, "Huh, this confuses me. It makes me uncomfortable. So, how can I make this make sense in a way that makes me feel comfortable again and allows me to keep my preconceived notions of the world and myself and other people completely intact, which kind of leads me into talking about path two, right?

[00:09:55]Path one was talking about people trying to resolve their cognitive dissonance with everyone's a little bit autistic.

[00:10:02]Path two is people who expand their understanding of autism and it somewhat humanizes autistic folks, but in a weird way, it still dilutes people's understanding of autism to thinking that autism is just a culmination of these general human experiences rather than an actual neurological and nervous system difference in how all of that is wired and works.

[00:10:32]The second path almost looks like the opposite of the first. Instead of shrinking autism, people begin expanding their understanding of humanity. Maybe they start recognizing themselves or their child or their partner. They begin saying things like, "I've always done that. My son has always done that, too.

[00:10:50]I've always felt a little bit different." There's something beautiful happening here. People are recognizing similarity instead of difference. And I think it's important to recognize this because historically autistic people have been treated as though we're fundamentally different from everyone else.

[00:11:07]>> Two boys, Peter and Marty, play alone.

[00:11:11]Time has stopped for these children because they are victims of a severe emotional disorder called autism. He feels no need to communicate, so he rarely learns how to speak. He lives in a world of his own making.

[00:11:24]>> A happy group of normal 5-year-olds.

[00:11:28]Now let's look at a similar group of autistic children.

[00:11:32]Each child in this group is an island, silent and apart.

[00:11:38]Normal socialization has not been achieved by any of these children.

[00:11:43]>> So hearing someone say, "I see parts of myself in you," isn't inherently a bad thing. In many ways, it's actually deeply compassionate. But the problem isn't the recognition. The problem is the conclusion. Because recognizing pieces of yourself inside another person doesn't necessarily mean your experiences were built from the same neurological architecture. Everyone stims. Everyone has routines. Everyone experiences sensory discomfort. Everyone becomes overwhelmed. Everyone misunderstands people sometimes.

[00:12:17]Everyone develops deep interests. None of those statements are false. But the misunderstanding happens when shared human experiences become interpreted as shared neurology. Those are not the same claim. Everyone experiences sadness, right? That doesn't mean everyone has depression. Everyone feels anxious at times, but that doesn't mean everyone has an anxiety disorder. Likewise, everyone may relate to aspects of the autistic experience, but that doesn't mean everyone is objectively autistic.

[00:12:52]Now, let me attempt to explain why hearing things like, "Everyone's a little bit autistic," or, "I just have a little bit of that tism in me," can feel so invalidating for some of us. I actually don't think autistic people feel invalidated because someone related to us. I think what often feels invalidating is something that's much quieter. When someone learns you're autistic, they're comparing your entire diagnosis to the tiny percentage of your life they've actually witnessed. They've seen you hold a conversation. They've seen you go to work. They've seen you laugh, tell stories. Maybe they've watched you succeed. But what they haven't seen is everything happening behind the scenes. The chronic burnout, the sensory exhaustion, the years spent wondering why life felt so much harder than it seemed to be for everyone else.

[00:13:45]The medical conditions that often accompany a chronically disregulated nervous system. The decades of masking.

[00:13:52]The loneliness that comes from repeatedly misunderstanding people while simultaneously feeling misunderstood yourself. the grief of realizing how much of your life was spent trying to become someone your neurology was never designed to be. The thing is, both groups are noticing something true.

[00:14:12]They're recognizing that they relate to some of our experiences and that autistic people may not be as alien as the world historically believed. Because autism was never built from experiences that no other human being has ever had.

[00:14:26]If you zoom in, you could actually see that it's built from very ordinary human processes. Sensory processing, attention, communication, emotion, movement, learning, pattern recognition.

[00:14:41]The ingredients are profoundly human.

[00:14:44]But the difference isn't the ingredients, it's the organization.

[00:14:49]Imagine looking at two paintings. They both contain red, blue, yellow, black, white. That doesn't make them the same painting. Autism isn't defined by possessing unique colors. It's defined by the way those colors organize into an entirely different composition. The same is true neurologically.

[00:15:10]Autism isn't defined by isolated traits.

[00:15:13]It's defined by the way those traits organize together, how early they emerge, how consistently they appear, and how profoundly they shape the way someone experiences the world across an entire lifetime. Autism is the architecture, not the individual bricks.

[00:15:32]And the more I've thought about this conversation, the less I think it's actually about autism at all. I think it's about how human beings understand each other. Whenever someone shares an unfamiliar experience, our first instinct is to usually ask ourselves, "Have I experienced something like that?" And don't get me wrong, that's a beautiful place to begin. It's often how empathy starts. But I also think it's just as important to ask ourselves whether that's where our empathy ends. I sometimes wonder what would happen if we became a little more comfortable allowing someone else's experience to remain unfamiliar. Long enough to learn something we couldn't have learned from our own lives. Long enough to ask, "What is it like to move through the world as you?" Instead of, "How much of you exists inside of me?" Because maybe empathy doesn't always begin with recognizing yourself in another person.

[00:16:31]Maybe sometimes it begins with recognizing that another person's reality actually extends far beyond the small portion you'll ever personally experience. And perhaps the most respectful thing we can do is let that reality stay expansive instead of compressing it until it comfortably fits inside our own perception.

[00:16:52]Maybe the more interesting question is why autistic experiences feel so recognizable to so many people. Because the answer isn't that everyone is autistic. The answer is that human experiences overlap and also neurological organization matters. And holding both of those truths at the same time paints a much richer picture of what autism actually is.

[00:17:22]And that's my thoughts on this topic, y'all. On one hand, I think it's beautiful that I see society humanizing autistic folks to a point where they find themselves relating to us and our human experience. But on the other hand, I think through the process of relating to us and humanizing us, they're diluting the very real aspects of what it means to be an autistic person. What does it mean to live with this neurological difference? And what does it mean to live in a world that doesn't understand or support those neurological differences? What negative effects does that have on a person? It's not just random challenges or quirks. You know, there's very real systematic consequences. There's very real medical consequences a lot of autistic folks face. And so autism should not just be used as some sort of new adjective to describe uniqueness or being different.

[00:18:18]Yes, it might be a challenge to widen your understanding of autism to accept that an autistic person can be talented and capable in a lot of ways we may not have expected previously while also knowing that there's still a lot of things that we are struggling with and will never be able to do. One truth doesn't have to negate the other. Fully understanding autism actually requires you to accept both sides of that coin. A lot of autistic people don't know about spiky profiles, and I want to explain them because when you understand spiky profiles, it really helps you understand your life as an autistic person. Spiky profiles doesn't mean that autistic people are more likely to mention hedgehogs and porcupines on our social media profiles. It means that the difference between our strengths and our weaknesses is often much greater than the difference would be for a neurotypical person. In other words, for a neurotypical person, the stuff that they're good at might be here and the stuff that they're bad at might be here.

[00:19:14]Not a lot of difference in between them.

[00:19:15]But for a autistic person, the stuff you're good at might be way up here, and then the stuff that you're bad at might be way down here. And the term spiky profile comes because if you map this out on a graph, it looks spiky. Your weakness is down here, and then your strength is up here, and then your weakness is down there, and it it looks like spikes. And the way this shows up in your actual life is that you might be really good at some things that other people really struggle with, and you might be really bad at some things that other people find easy. I'm autistic, and I work as a professional public speaker, and public speaking is easy for me. I've been doing it for a long time.

[00:19:43]But when I go to a speaking event, I need my wife's help to pack my suitcase because packing a suitcase is hard for me. Folding dress clothes is hard for me. And for most people, that would be flipped, right? The public speaking would be the hard part. Packing a suitcase would be easy. But that's not how it works for me. And this is really important because when you don't understand that you have a spiky profile, it can be really easy to get ashamed of yourself. You can think, well, I can do this thing that most people consider hard, so why can't I do this thing that most people consider easy? Is it because I'm lazy? Is it because I'm just not trying hard enough?

[00:20:13]And the answer is that you're not bad.

[00:20:15]You're not lazy. You're just spiky.

[00:20:17]There's just not a really strong correlation between you being good or bad at one thing and you being good or bad at the other thing. And that's okay.

[00:20:24]And then instead of judging yourself for being good at some things and bad at other things, you can just accept yourself. You can say, "All right, well, I'm going to be proud of the things that I'm good at, and I'm going to seek out help and support for the things that I'm bad at." The only way to understand us and support us in the way that we actually need is yes to humanize us, but not to humanize us at the cost of actually understanding what autism means and paying respects to the very real consequences of what it means to live in our society as an autistic person. And I think in general, humans have a really hard time accepting and understanding paradox. We either think autistic people are just a lost cause, completely disabled, are not capable of doing anything, or they seem capable of some things, which must mean that they're not really struggling. Or maybe everyone's autistic if these sorts of autistic folks aren't struggling as much as I see them struggling, or they're able to do things I wouldn't expect an autistic person to do. Like, come on, y'all.

[00:21:23]Humans are smart. We really need to It's It's time. It's time we updated our understanding of autism. Especially as ongoing research is being done. Within the next many decades, we're probably going to have more and more updated research. We really do have to continually widen our capacity in understanding what autism actually entails within the confines of it being a disorder and outside the confines of it being a disorder. That's where we're at, at least for now. I don't know which direction it's going to end up, but this is where we're at, right? So, let me know you guys. Have you had a hard time having these sorts of conversations with people about whether everyone's autistic or not in your life? And how have those conversations made you feel? How have they went? Do these people end up showing you that they're willing to learn a little bit more about autism from you? Do you even have the capacity to teach these people or do you kind of just, you know, draw boundaries and give up on explaining things to people? Let me know what your experiences are. Other than that, don't forget to give this video a like, leave a comment.

[00:22:33]Interacting with my videos always helps me out so so much. Like always, if you like the way that I process, if you like the way that I explore the neurody divergent experience, you could always join my Patreon where you will get member exclusive videos. Right now, I'm doing in-depth commentary on each episode of the Queen's Gambit. This month, the second episode of Queen's Gambit will be up. And as well, if you become a patron, you will gain access to the Thought Spots Discord community.

[00:23:01]Every month, we have community events where we get together and watch things.

[00:23:05]We also have other community events that we're always planning. Many good things that you could explore outside of just these weekly videos of mine. And with that being said, y'all make sure you take some time to drink water, eat some food, take yourself on a lovely walk, check in with yourselves, stay regulated, stim, and I will see you guys on the next one. Take care.

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