I Think I May Never Have Sex Again

Hinzugefügt: 2026-05-10

[00:00:02]Fantastic noise.

[00:00:04]Will I ever shag again?

[00:00:08]That is the question I'm asking myself today.

[00:00:12]It's very easy, isn't it? It's very easy in the moment to moment the day to day to just feel the mundainess of life, the hopelessness at times, feel like one is making no progress and it's all pointless, which don't get me wrong, you know, in general, I think it is all pointless because I don't think any of this exists. I'm not sure if you or I even exist, but let's pretend we do and speak from that perspective.

[00:00:42]So I can very easily get frustrated and depressed and feel [ __ ] and like I am my own worst enemy which again in many cases is true but if I actually like look back at how I used to cope some people might say behave um but it's all coping you know every action that we do is essentially trying to cope with this existence You know, I used to only I was going to say Mexico when I was in Cambodia. Like that's three months ago, something like that.

[00:01:24]Yeah. I was having three joints and a tug-of-o tuggio before I even thought about doing anything. I usually just live my whole life in this state of comeomaosing myself essentially with a green herb and just sping my juice, my energy everywhere because I just couldn't [ __ ] contain it. It was too much.

[00:01:59]And um yes and and and then and then the SCAL thing like wa that used to be rampant like so obviously what addiction is love addiction is um essentially we're searching for love and really what that is in this world is validation and attention and just somebody being like I think you're all right.

[00:02:26]I love you as long as you don't do this, this, this, this, and this, or point out this, this, this, and this about me.

[00:02:36]So, there was a time when I was so broken in myself and so incomplete. And that's not to say I'm complete now, but I'm much more h I I'm at a point where I'm happy enough in myself that I don't seek anything from another. So the idea of a relationship now to me is just ridiculous.

[00:03:04]Um so for example um I wrote in the DAT expat Facebook group recently uh of any pickle ball communities and yes and a woman has got in touch and she's like I'll play pickle ball with you anytime [ __ ] and obviously I can just see underneath that I can see where this goes and there's just there's There's no part of me that, oh yeah, no, that's what I went into a whole like fantasy of where this would go. I don't mean fantasy as in I want it. I just mean like seeing it.

[00:03:46]And what I'm going to do while I'm in this group, because you know, Vietnamese people are super friendly and they're going to be interested in me because I'm an interesting guy.

[00:03:56]And it's inevitable that if I start going regularly to a Vietnamese pickle ball group that the next thing will be, oh, come out for a drink reverse, come out for food reverse. And I'm going to have to say no.

[00:04:12]And when they go, why know like always, I'll be honest and and just say like I have no need for friendship. I have no because essentially it just sort of occurred to me literally just as I was sat then that every right I think there's two reasons people have friends I mean obviously there's all the ego stuff but I mean like fundamentally when we get down to it there's there's the fear of life there's the and this comes up for me there's a sense of like what if [ __ ] hits the fan who can I rely on you know so essentially manipul ulation and neediness and yeah being in friends being being a friend with someone in case one day you need someone. I think that's reason one and reason two isexual.

[00:05:07]Underneath asexual is is love or validation.

[00:05:11]Um but that but that often can't be accessed by many people. Um, which is why it pays out as seexual as in asexual addiction.

[00:05:27]And I So, so once once you have no desire forexual stuff, then why would you even be friends with someone unless you're in fear? And I notice that fear. It comes up in me, but then I'm just like, yeah, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Maybe in 10 20 years when I'm a bit older I might consider it.

[00:05:51]But but then I'll be even more empowered and sovereign. So I won't anyway. So I think it's it's either day six or day seven without a tug. So, you know, my 20s, major sexual addiction.

[00:06:14]My 30s, major masturbation addiction.

[00:06:18]I'm now 40.

[00:06:20]Up until 7 days ago, I was trying to push out two a day, but the last week, it it got down to one.

[00:06:29]Like, my my equipment was just like, "No, I'm too old.

[00:06:34]I'm too old and too disheveled.

[00:06:37]So, it was one and I was really noticing the drop after that one. Like this sense that basically my whole day was like that was the highlight of the day basically.

[00:06:52]And before I'd have a smoke and as I was smoking I'd feel this excitement and this like tingle in my in my junk.

[00:07:02]And uh yeah, it it I really saw like how God, how do I put this into words, how much I'd relied on it all my life, how much it excited me, but it was really the thought of having something to do that excited me. But then that something to do was over within 10 minutes and then it was just like bump.

[00:07:31]And what I mean by bump wasn't like not shame or any nonsense like that. I just mean energetically like I did a video recently linking it to dopamine. Like really feeling like how tugging is like the high of dopamine.

[00:07:51]Like the dopamine and the serotonin is just like But then once the explosion has happened, really noticing that boom h after the intense brain chemical surge.

[00:08:16]And it's taken like 10 years of constant self-observation and learning to feel and witness oneself to to be able to notice that very recent thing for me. I mean suddenly the last seven days I've not been resisting at all.

[00:08:35]I just like it comes up. I'm like oh should I have a tug now?

[00:08:39]And I'm just I can't even go into the fancy anymore.

[00:08:45]though.

[00:08:48]So, I' I I've done sex four times in the last year and every time it's been Oh, no. On once it was it was decent, but only from a love addiction point of view, you know, it wasn't actually. It was [ __ ] horrendous.

[00:09:02]And um so, so basically, I I I knew I knew relationships were futile and unnecessary from my point of view and where I'm at.

[00:09:15]um for for at least a couple of years, maybe 18 months. Um but the the fantasy or the desire to escape oneself through asexual happenings I could still you know so basically the reason it only happened four times in the last year is because I know that it that it's meaningless unsatisfying um doesn't doesn't lead to anything worthwhile is is a negative in my life let's put it that way and but every now and again four times, you know, I I the fantasy was stronger than the rationality.

[00:09:59]But now, like when it comes up, I try and go into that fantasy. I try and go into allowing it to overtake me and it just I just can't.

[00:10:12]Now, I have to take into account the fact that I'm I'm currently in Vietnam, so I only really find people of my culture attractive.

[00:10:21]So, it's easy when you're not surrounded by people you find attractive.

[00:10:28]Um, that that's that definitely makes things easier.

[00:10:32]But it's but it's deeper than that because that didn't used to matter. My desire to escape myself was far stronger than any like rationality over what I find attractive.

[00:10:49]So, yeah. So after 7 days of six or seven days, so I can't say I feel way better. However, today I am going to go and join this pickle ball club. So maybe that's like the extra energy it's giving me is is allowing me to to do that. That's something I've been wanting to do for ages, but every day I'm just like, "Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow." And today I'm like, "No, I'll do it today.

[00:11:22]I'm sure I'll tug again, but genuinely wondering whether I'll ever shag again.

[00:11:29]I can't see.

[00:11:32]I just can't see how it's going to happen. I'm also I'm really shallow. Um or, you know, know my worth. You could see either way.

[00:11:43]But I'm never gonna I could shag an unconscious person, but I'm never going to put up with any sort of unconsciousness or stupidity because I'm desperate because I'm not that desperate in terms of a relationship, right? So yeah. So, so, so there's my journey. There's me like not needing it anymore. There's me being sovereign enough in myself to not need validation from another. But then there's also the fact that I wouldn't be with anyone unconscious. I wouldn't be with anyone certainly over the age of 30, probably 25. I'm not interested in wrinkles and ugliness.

[00:12:25]Just want the top, which is obviously completely unrealistic cuz I'm 40. I have wrinkles in a belly. Uh I am super conscious though.

[00:12:35]So, it's just like if I was to allow this fantasy to keep going on and playing out, it would cause me so much anguish because I'm seeking something like what percentage are we down to now? So, you've got gay, so that's like what 10% of the population. Then you've got hot.

[00:12:56]So, we're down to like what 1% now. Then you've got conscious.

[00:13:01]So, now we're down to 0.0 Oh, 1% of all all those three together. The ven diagram of those three would be a very small overlap.

[00:13:11]So, uh yeah, I I feel absolutely fine about it.

[00:13:19]There's obviously my usual um disinterest in life still that's a bit strong, but my Yeah. What I mean is I'm not like, "Oh, I love life. I'm so happy." But um there is just no story left of the other.

[00:13:44]None at all.

[00:13:49]It's actually amazing how Yeah. I used to think it was um I used to I used to think my antisocialness was trauma based and was something that I needed to get over and the more I heal and do the work uh the more social I become. It's actually been completely the opposite.

[00:14:13]I have gone from trying to create communities and centers and bring people together and and you know I look back on that stage of my life. So there was a I I created a a spiritual shadow work center you know like I had no idea who I was. I I thought that I could run that place. I thought I could talk to people and they would like me.

[00:14:37]But what happens in all my interactions, people are either like in awe of me, but that never works because then I get pedestalled and it's too much pressure on me and I just can't handle it. So So those friendships never work or people just dismiss me because I I trigger the hell out of them because I point out all their retardation.

[00:14:58]Um, you know, just just being in my presence, being in my aura is very um exposing, you know, because nothing nothing gets past me. And I'm going to say 99% of it.

[00:15:10]I might hold back on 1% sometimes, but not often.

[00:15:16]I'm going to say it, you know, I'm going to say it. And people just obviously can't stand that because we live in a world where everyone's, you know, wearing the mask, the persona, and I just ripped those personas off.

[00:15:35]So, yeah. So, so the people I actually passed that center on to when it failed under my leadership, um, you know, they're exactly what it needs. They're love and light. They wouldn't say boo to a goose. They'll they'll they'll empower people's um retardation. Like they've got trans people there now and stuff and and they're like, "Yeah, it's okay to be trans, you know." So they value obviously they value profit and success of the community over truth. Uh which is a very wise decision in 2026, you know.

[00:16:06]I'm just too dedicated to the truth and and and authenticity. Like I can't I feel the distortion if I don't do that. Yeah, I can't I just can't live like that.

[00:16:18]Uh but you know, I totally acknowledge that, you know, that's why I can't run those.

[00:16:23]I mean, so so yeah, the point is, you know, the fact that I thought that I could be the face of this social place where people need Molly Codling like I mean like to look back on that now and that was only like what four years ago.

[00:16:38]So, you know, I lost 150 grand in that.

[00:16:41]And I look I look at the Tom before that and he used he he ran a dog care center which was obviously just pleb clients.

[00:16:51]So, they'd come in, we'd either talk about dogs or the weather or whatever [ __ ] they'd seen on TV. And I'd, you know, I'd pander to it for 30 seconds and then I'd go and hide behind a wall and let my staff deal with them until they left. That's how I dealt with the public.

[00:17:07]And I thought that I could then go and be the face of some spiritual center and run that. But like what was I planning on hiding behind a wall? Well, yeah, to be fair, I did. I spent a lot of my time hiding in the kitchen.

[00:17:18]Oh god, it was a disaster.

[00:17:20]But but the point is I didn't know who I was. And this is when I was like 36.

[00:17:27]But most people live their whole lives not knowing who they are.

[00:17:31]And I think I' I've so basically I think I'm just getting to a place of knowing and assuredness and and and you know comfort within that that I'm no longer there's none of this going on. You know it's like this pickle ball community this afternoon that I'm going to you know I am going to be in out. I'm going to I'm going to play my pickle ball and I'm going to go like I literally just want to play pickle ball. I don't want any of the social stuff.

[00:18:01]Even if it was in England, you know, it it just would mean nothing to me. But then you add up like the different culture and and all that.

[00:18:08]Well, it's not even relevant.

[00:18:11]All right, that was fun, wasn't it? Was it fun enough to click some buttons? We must have got something out of it at some point.

[00:18:19]See you soon.