Why We Care What Other People Think

[00:00:00]Hey guys, it's Lilly.

[00:00:01]I need to ask you a question.

[00:00:03]And just be honest. It's okay. Have you ever had a complete stranger say something that sticks with you for the rest of the day? Maybe you're walking through the mall minding your own business and an older woman smiles and says, "Oh, bless your heart." And now suddenly you're wondering, "Wait, what did she mean by that? Did I look upset?

[00:00:22]Did I do something embarrassing? Do I have toilet paper stuck on my shoe?"

[00:00:26]Or maybe you're at work and you notice a group of teenagers whispering while occasionally glancing your direction.

[00:00:31]Within seconds you're suddenly checking your clothes wondering if you smell, trying to figure out if they're laughing at you. And maybe even getting annoyed because why are they looking at me?

[00:00:41]Now, maybe neither situation had anything to do with you, but your brain reacted anyway. And that's something almost all of us experience. I would actually be shocked if someone hadn't experienced that at some point in their life. So, why can one stranger's opinion affect our mood? Why do we care what complete strangers think about us? It turns out it's not simply insecurity or low confidence. It's actually deeply rooted in how the human brain evolved.

[00:01:10]So, let's talk about it.

[00:01:12]If you've watched some of my previous videos, especially the one on social comparison, you may remember that our brains are constantly trying to figure out where we fit within a group. That wasn't an accident. For most of human history, we didn't live surrounded by millions of people online and specially.

[00:01:27]We lived in very small groups. And if you were accepted by your tribe or civilization, your chances of surviving and eventually passing on your genes were much higher. You had protection, you had food, you had help raising children, you had people to warn you about danger. But if you were rejected, life became much harder. So, over thousands of generations, our brains evolved to pay very close attention to what other people thought of us. Not because humans wanted popularity, because social acceptance increased our odds of survival.

[00:01:58]Even today, researchers found that our brains are highly responsive to social status. Receiving praise, approval, or acceptance can activate parts of our brain involved in reward processing, while rejection or loss of status can reduce that sense of reward. So, yes.

[00:02:18]Those feelings of acceptance aren't just in your head. They correspond with real measurable changes in brain activity and neurochemistry. That's one reason compliments, likes, promotions, or being included in a group can genuinely feel good. Not because we're shallow, but because our brains evolved to treat social standing as something worth paying attention to. Of course, most of us aren't worried about being kicked out of a tribe anymore, but our brains haven't evolved nearly as fast as our environment has changed. That same ancient system is still running in the background. What's even more fascinating is that social rejection doesn't just feel painful. It's not just perceived as emotionally painful. Your brain is actually processing it in a way that overlaps with physical pain. One of the most well-known studies is the cyberball study developed by Naomi Eisenberger and some of their colleagues in 2003.

[00:03:07]Researchers told participants that they were playing a simple online ball tossing game with two other people. At first, everyone was included. The participant was involved in clicking to send the ball back to someone else in the group or clicking to catch the ball.

[00:03:20]Then, without warning, the other players stopped throwing the ball altogether to the participant that was being observed.

[00:03:26]Even though participants knew they were only playing a simple computer game, many reported feeling rejected and excluded. When researchers looked at brain activity alongside gameplay, they found increased activation in areas like the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula. Those regions of the brain are involved in processing the unpleasantness of physical pain. The The wasn't that emotional pain and physical pain are exactly the same, rather that they appear to share some of the same brain processing pathways. A second study expanded on this. In 2011, researchers asked people who had recently gone through an unwanted romantic breakup to look at photos of their former partner while undergoing an fMRI brain scan.

[00:04:10]Those people were simply looking at a photograph of someone they loved, yet it triggered enough emotional distress that brain regions, again, involved in processing physical pain became active.

[00:04:23]And that may help explain why people describe heartbreak with phrases like, "I feel crushed, it hurts, or my chest aches."

[00:04:30]Those expressions aren't just poetic, they're reflecting something your brain is genuinely experiencing. Now, it's important to make one distinction.

[00:04:38]Scientists aren't saying emotional pain and breaking your leg are identical experiences. Physical pain involves many more systems, but there is meaningful overlap in how your brain processes social rejection, which may explain why rejection, even if it's just socially, can feel so incredibly intense for some people. And in rare cases, emotional distress doesn't just affect the brain.

[00:05:02]It can have measurable effects on the body as well.

[00:05:06]Not talking about the part of grief where you just stop eating because you don't feel hungry or you don't feel the drive through. I'm talking about the phrase dying of a broken heart. That might have a lot more truth to it than people realize. A real medical condition called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, sorry, often nicknamed broken heart syndrome, is real.

[00:05:26]>> [laughter] >> It It usually occurs after an intense emotional event like the death of a spouse, a divorce, receiving shocking news, or even experiencing extreme fear.

[00:05:37]Researchers believe a surge of the stress hormones, particularly adrenaline, temporarily weakens part of the heart muscle. The symptoms can look almost identical to a heart attack, meaning when you're in so emotionally distraught that spike in fear hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, specifically the adrenaline, can weaken your heart muscle causing actual heart damage that if you pass away from, they say it was a heart attack. And that's just another reminder that emotional experiences aren't separate from our physical health. They're deeply connected. So, if our brains evolved to care this much about rejection, why does it sometimes feel like we're constantly worried what other people think? The answer is that our brains were built for one world, but we're living in a completely different one. Our brains evolved in the small communities or tribes I discussed earlier.

[00:06:31]Anthropologists often estimate that humans historically lived in groups around 100 to 150 people. Those were the opinions that mattered. Your family, your close friends, the people you depended on every day. But if you fast forward to today, now we can post one photo online and potentially receive opinions from thousands or even millions of people we've never met in person.

[00:06:54]Our ancient social brain wasn't designed for that. At work, we worry about what our coworkers think. In relationships, we care what our partner thinks. On social media, complete strangers can leave comments that stay in our head for days. The system itself isn't broken.

[00:07:10]I'm not saying throw away your phones and social media. I'm simply saying our brains are now operating in an environment that looks nothing like the one it was evolved for.

[00:07:19]So, is caring what other people think a weakness?

[00:07:23]Not at all. In many ways, it's one of the reasons humans became such successful social creatures. Our ability to cooperate, build relationships, and work together depended on caring about how we were perceived. The problem isn't that we care, the problem is when we give every opinion equal weight. Your closest friend probably knows you far better than someone who watched a 15-second clip online. Your family's feedback likely deserves more consideration than a random comment from someone you'll never meet. Your brain is doing exactly what it evolved to do. The challenge isn't shutting that system off, it's learning to decide whose opinions have actually earned a place in your mind. And that may be one of the healthiest ways to care what other people think without letting everyone define who you are. Kind of choose those closest to you. Choose whose opinion you value. That's all I have on that topic. All of my socials are there.

[00:08:19]Go where you feel so inclined. Thank you for watching this through, for supporting any of my socials in any way you do. And till next time.

[00:08:29]Bye.