The Fun Part of Working in the White House | The West Wing

Added: 2026-05-22

[00:00:02]Most of this is [music] going to the archive. A guy named Martin is supposed to come pick it up. Don't worry about it. We're going to move it somewhere in the meantime, but we haven't settled on where.

[00:00:10]>> Margaret?

[00:00:10]>> I shouldn't worry about it.

[00:00:11]>> You shouldn't. Get Fred and Herb in here. Wow. Nice, huh? This is grim.

[00:00:15]Roosevelt Room 10.

[00:00:16]>> What am I doing there?

[00:00:17]>> Casual conversation about your future.

[00:00:19]Another one?

[00:00:19]>> We're nearing the end of the list. This is a guy from Harvard.

[00:00:22]>> Okay, how about this is the end of the list? How about we cancel the rest and send a thanks, but no thanks. 10 minutes. Job interviews? Headhunters waving stock options and corporate jets and all I have to do is show up at the occasional board meeting. Why should I find that appealing? They don't know you're a masochist. I like to work for a living. Is that odd?

[00:00:38]>> I get it. You must be getting these.

[00:00:40]Yeah, defense contractors mostly.

[00:00:42]>> You interested? Maybe. It's hard to get excited about anything after this. Yeah.

[00:00:47]I've got a call with the Chinese Defense Minister at 4:00. You should sit in.

[00:00:50]Tell Margaret.

[00:00:52]Hey, where's your transition memo? It's coming. When? Soon. Could you start it?

[00:00:56]Yeah, sure. Final touches.

[00:00:57]>> I want it today. Absolutely.

[00:01:02]We were summoned?

[00:01:04]You were.

[00:01:05]I read the first half of the budget last night and couldn't find the deficit reduction. It shouldn't be buried on page 600. It should be up top.

[00:01:13]Is it on page 600? No.

[00:01:15]Where is it? There isn't any.

[00:01:17]>> you mean there isn't any?

[00:01:17]>> There's no >> said he wanted deficit reduction worked into this budget. I said it should be 50%. Was that not clear? We thought it was along the lines of I'd like a pony.

[00:01:25]Nobody actually expects to get the pony.

[00:01:27]>> I want the pony. 50% deficit reduction is unrealistic.

[00:01:31]>> It isn't. Go back and find enough revenue raisers and cost savers to cut the deficit in half and then release it to White House OMB and agency senior staff this afternoon for comments. We need to integrate everybody's feedback.

[00:01:44]What? You're talking about doing a ton of work on a document nobody will ever read. It's a formality. We're leaving office.

[00:01:50]>> Really? I don't know where we're going to find $150 billion.

[00:01:53]>> you where you could find it. Did we or did we not discuss The tax you proposed was massive. Was that your idea or the president's?

[00:01:58]>> It was the president's idea to cut the deficit. It was my idea to propose doing so with >> With a massive increase in Stop saying massive. We have to get jobs when we leave here. We can't propose and send the damn thing out for departmental review. Now.

[00:02:11]Okay. Yeah.

[00:02:14]What? I Want to see what all the yelling was about. What are you just walking around?

[00:02:19]Senioritis. Having a little trouble getting motivated. Over three and a half centuries [music] ago, strengthened by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the new world where they could worship according to their own beliefs and solve crimes. Sam. They'd be good. Read the thing.

[00:02:36]By day they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs and by night they solve crimes. Read the thing.

[00:02:40]Pilgrim detectives. Do you see me laughing?

[00:02:42]>> I think you're laughing on the inside.

[00:02:43]Okay. With the big hats. Give me the speech.

[00:02:47]Have either of you heard of I don't know the something the Jamestown and Mayflower Daughters of the American Revolution Preservation Society?

[00:02:54]Jamestown Mayflower Daughters >> I may have gotten the name wrong.

[00:02:57]They're inviting the White House to participate in some kind of I don't know Thanksgiving Revolutionary War reenactment. CJ, let's not torture American history completely to death.

[00:03:05]>> Who the hell are Jamestown was the 16th century. The Mayflower landed at Plymouth in the 17th century. The fathers of the Daughters of the American Revolution fought in the 18th century.

[00:03:15]It's a festival feast of some kind. Who cares?

[00:03:18]Somebody needs to learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Reenactments and proclamations and Native American corn husk hanging contests with Native >> Corn husk hanging? Whatever. I'm the Thanksgiving cruise director around here. It wasn't like this last year.

[00:03:31]>> I wasn't here last year. Where were you last year? They sent me home last year.

[00:03:34]You don't remember me having a 101.7° fever and all kinds of flu-like symptoms?

[00:03:38]>> No.

[00:03:39]That's cuz every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.

[00:03:44]>> We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation. And possibly a new action adventure series. Nobody here has checked out. Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. 16 times in a row came up tails.

[00:03:55]>> [snorts] >> I'm going home. Have a good night.

[00:03:58]>> Yeah, yeah. 16 times in a row.

[00:04:00]Yeah. Excuse me, fellas.

[00:04:04]It's okay, you can come in here.

[00:04:17]This is Martin Horn. He's from Jasper Farms and Meats. Junior, tell him what you're doing here, Martin.

[00:04:21]>> I'm dropping off turkeys. He's dropping off the turkeys.

[00:04:24]Nobody left me instructions. He had a pass for the northwest entrance. I'm dropping off the turkeys. Yeah. Where should I put them?

[00:04:32]CJ's office. I definitely put them in CJ Craig's office.

[00:04:35]Right there. Well, CJ's office is right here. CJ handles all the show birds. CJ?

[00:04:40]Yeah. Okay.

[00:04:42]And Martin, Miss Craig is gone for the night and her office is secure, so you should feel free to let the turkeys out of the cage and allow them to, you know, roam freely as they were meant to do. Absolutely.

[00:04:53]Okay. Okay.

[00:04:55]Show her he's slacking on our pizza.

[00:04:57]Yeah.

[00:04:59]Okay.

[00:05:01]Showtime, guys.

[00:05:02]I've observed you under a number of conditions and this is the final.

[00:05:06]We can't have you wigging out in the president's face. I just don't like the photos, so.

[00:05:14]You both did fine.

[00:05:17]Troy, I want you to know it was neck and neck, but I'm giving it to Eric. You were in it right to the end, but it's the flapping thing you got going on.

[00:05:25]That's how you would have some concern to me that I've been talking out loud this whole time. That's very unsettling.

[00:05:30]Okay, Eric, here we go.

[00:05:35]Come on, let's go. The guy said to support him under his hindquarters.

[00:05:38]>> Well, I don't know where his hindquarters are and I'm not going to look that hard. Come on, Eric.

[00:05:42]Come on, down.

[00:05:44]Troy.

[00:05:45]Donna, would you have Martin take Troy back to his pen and remember to support his hindquarters? What's wrong with you?

[00:05:49]>> The turkey's on the bird.

[00:05:51]I'm still waiting for the thing. Right here? Let's go in.

[00:05:55]Sir. Give me 2 minutes.

[00:05:56]I'm going to step out there and begin the singing and lute playing.

[00:06:00]>> Whatever.

[00:06:02]I'm assuming you've heard.

[00:06:03]>> By the way, the Latin word for yam is dioscorea.

[00:06:08]You've heard.

[00:06:09]About the Chinese refugees?

[00:06:11]They escaped. I know. Can you believe it? No, as a matter of fact, neither one of us can believe it, sir. That detention center was being guarded by the 22nd division of the California National Guard. Now, what does it say about our reserve army that 83 men, women, and children who haven't eaten in 2 months staged a prison break?

[00:06:29]Let me read this.

[00:06:31]Well over three and a half centuries ago, strengthened by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs.

[00:06:47]Now, therefore, I, Josiah Bartlett, President of the United States, by virtue of the authority and laws vested in me, do hereby proclaim this to be a national day of Thanksgiving.

[00:07:00]I'll see you out there, sir.

[00:07:07]Galileo 5.

[00:07:08]>> Yes, sir.

[00:07:08]>> Just the name.

[00:07:09]>> Galileo 5.

[00:07:10]>> You can feel the adventure.

[00:07:11]>> Yes, indeed.

[00:07:12]>> NASA's great at naming things. Mercury, Apollo, Atlantis, the Sea [music] of Tranquility, the Ocean of Storms.

[00:07:18]>> Good names.

[00:07:18]>> The last time I heard Galileo 5, the way the imagination immediately, it reminded me of the way folks in my generation felt when we heard Yellow Submarine.

[00:07:25][music] >> Okay.

[00:07:26]>> We really did all want to live in a yellow submarine.

[00:07:28]>> believe they gave you people driver's [music] licenses.

[00:07:30]>> Tell me where we're going again.

[00:07:31]>> Mars briefing rehearsal. Why? To rehearse. Say the name. I said [music] the name. Say it again. Your imagination, like a child, will explode with unrestrained [music] possibilities for adventure. Galileo 5. You didn't say it right. I said it fine.

[00:07:45]>> Say it again.

[00:07:46]Who wrote this intro? I did.

[00:07:49]You're from NASA Public Affairs? [music] >> Yeah.

[00:07:51]You mind if I give it a polish? Is there a problem? No, it's great. You mind if I change it?

[00:07:54]>> I'd prefer if you didn't.

[00:07:55]>> Just the same.

[00:07:55]>> Public Affairs has cleared the text. If it's going to be changed, I'd prefer if the President changed it. See, that's kind of what he pays me to do, so. Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers. Yes, I suppose if we broaden the definition to those who can spell.

[00:08:09]Excuse me?

[00:08:10]Good morning. Good morning, Mr. President. So, this is the crew from NASA Public Affairs. How you doing? Sir, we're going to run you through the drill for tomorrow morning. First of all, you'll be flanked on either side by the Flight Operations Manager David Narukawa and NASA Chief Administrator Dr. Peter Jobson. On either side of them will be Dr. Samuel Thurman of the Meteorite Analysis Team from the Johnson Space Center and Dr. Joyce Grace Sutton, Planetary Geologist from Cal State Northridge. On these monitors, you'll be seeing the images beamed back from the surface, and on this computer screen, you'll be able to read the questions being sent in by the kids.

[00:08:43]I strongly urge you >> Yes. I strongly urge you >> I strongly urge you, Mr. President, to act as moderator and pass the questions off to one of the experts on the panel rather than answer it yourself.

[00:08:54]>> Yes. Would you like to see some of the questions? We have questions in advance?

[00:08:58]>> Some of them. Would you put them up?

[00:08:59]Sure.

[00:09:02]Katie, sixth grader, Green Oaks Junior High School, Austin, Texas, asks, "How old is the planet Mars?" That's a great question, Katie. The planet Mars is 4.6 billion years old.

[00:09:13]>> I just say? I knew that one. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

[00:09:16]>> Yes, God forbid that while talking to 60,000 public school students, the President should appear smart. That's fine. Just don't show off.

[00:09:23]>> I don't show off. Stevie, fourth grader, PS 31, Manhattan, asks, "What is the temperature on Mars?"

[00:09:30]Well, Stevie, if one of our expert panelists were here, they would tell you the average temperature ranges from 15° to -140.

[00:09:37]>> That happens to be wrong. It ranges from 60 to minus 225. I converted it to Celsius in my head.

[00:09:45]Thank you. Can I see the intro? It's up on the prompter. Ah.

[00:09:49]Good morning. I'm speaking to you live from the West Wing of the White House.

[00:09:53]Today, we have a very unique opportunity to take part live in an extremely historic event which whoa boy. How you doing, Mr. President?

[00:10:01]>> Who wrote this intro? I did, sir. I'm Scott Tate from NASA Public Affairs.

[00:10:06]Scott, unique means one of a kind.

[00:10:08]Something can't be very unique, nor can it be extremely historic.

[00:10:12]>> While we're at it, do we have to use the word live twice in the first two sentences like we just cracked the technology?

[00:10:16]>> Look.

[00:10:17]>> We're also broadcasting in living color, right? Sam. Yeah.

[00:10:21]He's going to make some changes.

[00:10:23]You going to clear them with me? I doubt it.

[00:10:25]Write this. Good morning. 11 months ago, a 1,200 lb spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida.

[00:10:32]18 hours ago, is it 18 hours ago we're on the air at noon? Eastern. Yeah. 18 hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars.

[00:10:37][music] You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, >> [music] >> along with astro scientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the [music] White House, we're going to be the first to see what it sees and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called Galileo 5.

[00:11:00]He said it right.

[00:11:04]687 days? Yeah.

[00:11:07]Hey, Cal. Hey, Toby. A Martian year is 687 days. Yes. Did you see this [clears throat] morning's news report?

[00:11:12]>> I'm boning up on my Mars.

[00:11:14]>> CJ. He thinks he's so smart just because, you know, he's so smart.

[00:11:17]>> Did you see this morning's >> the news report. I highlighted your copy.

[00:11:20]>> You didn't highlight the green bean story. No, I thought it was best just to alert Justice Department officials.

[00:11:24]>> An unnamed White House source >> the story. I just didn't highlight it.

[00:11:27]You don't think this is going to get picked up? No. Why not? It's absolutely not a story. Come see me in 3 hours.

[00:11:32]>> It's not a story.

[00:11:33]>> See me in 3 hours.

[00:11:34]>> moons does Mars have? Two, Phobos and Deimos, the two horses that pull his chariot. Get out.

[00:11:39]3 hours. Carol. Yeah. She wants information on green beans. You have work to do. I'm picking a stamp.

[00:11:45]>> Nobody likes people who know everything.

[00:11:46]>> discovered in my life Give me information on green beans.

[00:11:50]One name on the ballot this November, Bill, not yours, not mine, not the governor of New Jersey. And believe me, no one will work harder than Jed Bartlett to put you there. But this president loses re-election and your career is finished, and so is mine.

[00:12:04]What's your point?

[00:12:07]>> [snorts] >> Next time you announce new policy that isn't cleared by this office, we're announcing you're moving back to New Jersey.

[00:12:16]What about the loans? CJ will announce them tomorrow from the podium.

[00:12:20]>> Oh, come on, Toby. At least let me do it with the president. It's too small for the president.

[00:12:27]I've got to go back to a meeting.

[00:12:30]Yep. It was the rebate. It wasn't a rebate, it was an advance. You say potato. I do say potato, and so does everybody else I know. We wanted to inject some money into retail and tourism. Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money?

[00:12:43]The economy might have improved on its own by then. In which case the whole thing would have been pointless in the first place. Yeah. Economists just make it up as they go along, don't they?

[00:12:51]Yeah.

[00:12:53]Did it work?

[00:12:54]Not that much. Most people did what you did.

[00:12:57]They saved or they paid down debt.

[00:13:00]We don't want people to save and reduce their personal debt. We do, but when the next guy is president.

[00:13:06]You win. I always do.

[00:13:08]Yes, sir.

[00:13:11]I'll tell you what I find interesting, though. What's that, sir? You.

[00:13:14]$35,000 a year, a sister to support, and you gave $1,435 to charity.

[00:13:21]I'm not so sure that check isn't better off in your hands than ours. Oh, I'm taking it. Don't be ridiculous.

[00:13:26]When you get to your place tonight, you're going to find a new DVD player and that wimp-ass Bond movie. Mr. President.

[00:13:33]>> And I threw in Yeoman of the Guard on CD.

[00:13:37]That was an incredibly nice gesture. I'm really something.

[00:13:41]Mr. President.

[00:13:43]Hey John. Could we have a minute, please, sir? Yeah. Charlie, let's get that woman on the phone. I'm feeling magical tonight.

[00:13:53]They're in the tunnel now and the readings don't show anything beyond the predictable level of background radiation. The flatbed's back on its way and the causeway's behind gates. So, we dodged a bullet. Yeah.

[00:14:03]We packed this stuff in 2 in of stainless steel, 4 in of lead.

[00:14:08]We rammed it with trains and dropped it from helicopters and it still isn't going to protect us from the thing we haven't thought of.

[00:14:15]They took a cast out to Aberdeen Proving Ground and shot a TOW missile clean through it. They showed me video.

[00:14:21]What can I do for you?

[00:14:23]Sir, there's something very important we need to talk to you about.

[00:14:26]What?

[00:14:29]Well, it's delicate and surprising and I want to make sure your first reaction is measured. So, I'd like us to >> recovering alcoholic.

[00:14:38]Really? Yes, sir.

[00:14:41]Is there anybody left who's not? Sir.

[00:14:43]For how long?

[00:14:45]I'm sorry. How long have you been in recovery? My last drink, it was the year I was 22.

[00:14:50]Did you say 22? Yes, sir. You haven't had a drink since you were 22? That's right. I didn't start drinking till I was 25. What the hell do you guys count as >> I know, but there's a history in my family and I had a few experiences in college. I liked beer a lot. So, I started going to meetings and I'm pretty sure if I stop >> 22? Yes, sir. You and James Bond ought to team up.

[00:15:12]I don't Don't worry about it. He's ordering a watered-down martini and Leo, what the hell is this meeting that's going on all night across the hall?

[00:15:19]>> We can talk about it later. It's a meeting about having me replaced on the ticket.

[00:15:23]I know how to count to 270.

[00:15:29]John, I assure you, I assure you that if it were a serious notion, we would have >> Texas is gone, so is Florida. We're not doing it. You should think about it.

[00:15:38]Hey, did I hear right? Are you taking your name off that bill? Nobody benefits from the internet right now more than the rural poor.

[00:15:45]You're taking your name off. We can't campaign on it. Yes, sir.

[00:15:49]And if somebody's attacking [clears throat] us, you know what to do.

[00:15:55]I call Leo.

[00:15:57]Yeah, but don't discount the possibility that it might be Leo.

[00:16:01]Yes, sir.

[00:16:02]John, despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college, I've always liked you a little more than you thought I did.

[00:16:10]But that's not why you're staying.

[00:16:12]It's this.

[00:16:16]Four words.

[00:16:31]I've always liked you more than you thought I did, too, Mr. President. Just a little, right?

[00:16:36]Yes, sir. Me, too.

[00:16:39]Anything else?

[00:16:42]Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, sir.

[00:16:50]The DARPA budget.

[00:16:51]I thought it was classified. Apparently not. It's on the internet. Hoisted on their own petard. Any word back from the DOD? Not yet. There's a man in your office. Okay. I didn't see him come. I turned around, and he was there. A man in my office.

[00:17:06]Is he dashing?

[00:17:08]Not how I'd describe him.

[00:17:12]Can I help you?

[00:17:14]There are no firewalls on here. Excuse me? I could certainly do something with this. Or I could call security to do something with you. Oh, sorry.

[00:17:25]I'm Dr. Max Milkman from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.

[00:17:30]>> Dr. Milkman.

[00:17:31]>> Yes. The man from DARPA.

[00:17:32]>> Yes. I've been reading about you.

[00:17:34]Operation Midnight Climax, setting up brothels, creating and testing LSD on the patrons without their knowledge, of course. Talk about a mind-blowing experience.

[00:17:41]>> Please, Ms. Craig, that was ARPA. ARPA?

[00:17:44]ARPA, not DARPA. I can't tell you how comforting that is. General.

[00:17:49]Glenn, good to see you. Mr. President, it's good to see you. Just like a fraternity reunion. Where's the keg?

[00:17:55]Or maybe better break out the bingo instead.

[00:17:58]Shut up, Gus. Come on.

[00:18:02]Come in. You know, President Newman.

[00:18:04]Mr. President, we've met before. Oh, yes. So, what are you up to these days, Glenn? Vouchers, school prayer.

[00:18:11]Actually, it's more like dog walking.

[00:18:13]And of course, my spin class. I'm surprised you're not looking for another place to bomb.

[00:18:17]>> I like to make an impression.

[00:18:18]>> Well, you certainly did that. But why should I complain?

[00:18:21]I'm sure it helped precipitate the current situation. Maybe I should have taken a longer vacation. And let him wage war with the rest of the Arab world? To think I heard you were one of my biggest fans. The old formulas don't work, D.W. We need to make new choices.

[00:18:35]Glenn, the protesters are surrounding the Aramco compound in Duran. What do you think, Glenn?

[00:18:40]Should we invade?

[00:18:42]We need wholesale change in the region.

[00:18:44]This is an opportunity.

[00:18:46]We're the only superpower left. Why wouldn't we go into Riyadh? The more of the world we inhabit, the better it is for the human race. Buck stops here. Ah, yes, the almighty dollar. In my four years, we spent $200 billion on foreign oil and $100 billion protecting the leaders of the countries that supplied it. How many lunches did I have playing footsie with some Saudi prince, promising to sell them AWACS and Bradleys, and all in the name of stability?

[00:19:12]But I paid a premium. His people hate us. Of course they hate us because we support their oppressors. Because we are their oppressors. Glenn, I'm not sure we have the stomach for empire. I'm not looking for empire. I'm not looking to colonize. If this protest is a call for democracy, I think we should create a provisional secular government, oversee the transition, and get out as fast as we can. Leaving them with a weak state and a hated Vichy government. You really want to make a difference, Jed? Then support this Erudite from the sidelines.

[00:19:42]You start saddling up camels in every country in the Middle East, then you better be prepared to spend the next 50 years sifting through sand.

[00:19:51]Because this isn't a quick run on the beach, Jed.

[00:19:54]This is the new world order.

[00:19:58]Mr. President, we're ready to take off.

[00:20:00]Thank you.

[00:20:03]It seems you're happy enough to publicize your work on micro and nano cameras, gecko fingertip adhesion, something delightfully nicknamed smell-o-vision.

[00:20:12]>> the brain machine interface program. It measures the processes in the brain in hopes of detecting deceptive intents.

[00:20:20]>> mind control, mind reading. It's all part of a new counterterrorism initiative, and the heart of our strategy is bio-surveillance.

[00:20:28]We're mining existing health databases to determine >> at medical records?

[00:20:32]>> anonymous.

[00:20:33]>> You'll have social security numbers, addresses, personal data.

[00:20:36]>> Just for the human ID program.

[00:20:37]>> Human ID? Human identification at a distance, where we use a variety of biometric technologies that focus on body parts, face identification, human kinematics.

[00:20:48]>> Kinematics?

[00:20:49]>> Oh, yeah.

[00:20:51]It's amazing what we can tell from a human stride, personality, intention, pathology, criminality, all from scrutinizing one's gait.

[00:21:04]Yeah.

[00:21:06]I got to go.

[00:21:15]Andrew Jackson in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

[00:21:20]Huh.

[00:21:21]I am making a mental list of those who are snickering and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge, over 2 tons.

[00:21:33]And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

[00:21:36]>> Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

[00:21:41]We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

[00:21:45]>> Actually, right now you're talking about a big block of cheese.

[00:21:47]>> And Sam goes on my list. What about Toby?

[00:21:52]I'm unpredictable.

[00:21:53]Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people. So, from time to time he opened his doors to those who wished an audience. And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat 2 tons of cheese.

[00:22:03]>> It is in that spirit Mandy doesn't go on the list? Mandy's new. So, it's just me alone on the list.

[00:22:10]Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I from time to time ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention.

[00:22:23]I know the more jaded among you see this is something rather beneath you.

[00:22:29]But I assure you that listening to the voices of passion in Americans is beneath no one.

[00:22:35]And surely not the people's servants.

[00:22:38]Sorry we're late. Is it total crackpot day again? Yes, it is.

[00:22:41]>> And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list. Actually, you've got a thing right now. Yeah, I know. I thought I told you. Margaret, hand out those appointments, would you? From United States Space Command.

[00:22:50]>> Yeah, not a lot of people know about us.

[00:22:52]This is my first time. And we're a little nerdy, I'll admit. You camouflage it well with your clothing.

[00:22:57]I'm used to that, Sam. What can I do for you, Bob? In a nutshell? So to speak.

[00:23:02]We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.

[00:23:08]Are we paying any attention at all right now? No. Thank god. Like we don't have enough trouble with the first lady and her Ouija board. I would like you to show the president some data we've collected on some possible extraterrestrial contact. I really can't do that. May I ask why not? Because the president will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way it won't work out well for me.

[00:23:29]This morning at 6:35 a.m. local time air traffic control in Honolulu picked up an unidentified flying object flying east across the Pacific towards California. Air Force and Navy jets have been in the area for hours and have been unable to establish visual contact.

[00:23:48]These things happen and go unexplained.

[00:23:50]You don't think this is something you should take to the president? No.

[00:23:54]Again, may I ask why not? Because there are levels and in order to our air defense command and to jump from a radar officer to the commander-in-chief would skip several of those levels.

[00:24:04]>> Like what?

[00:24:05]Like the Pentagon and you know, perhaps therapy. Yeah. Okay, I can see that.

[00:24:10]Bob, no offense, but I can't walk into the cabinet room and ask the president to put down the budget surplus because there are flying saucers over Maui.

[00:24:18]Something's heading east in the sky over the Pacific. It's in and out of our radar. We can't see it.

[00:24:25]And it's up there right now. I leave you with that thought.

[00:24:29]It's been good meeting with you and I hope that you don't feel that you've wasted your time.

[00:24:33]I leave you with this pen. Who's Plooy?

[00:24:35]I'm glad you asked.

[00:24:37]That's Plooy.

[00:24:38]Yes.

[00:24:39]Plooy's a wolf? Yes, she is. And you're going to tell me her story? Jerry.

[00:24:44]For 4 years scientists have tracked Plooy as she made her way from Banff National Park in Alberta up and down the Rockies.

[00:24:51]In that time she's made three round trips between Canada and Wyoming covering 40,000 square miles. We think you'll admit it was pretty impressive performance for Plooy, especially when you consider the impediments of modern life she had to conquer.

[00:25:05]Highways, housing, forests denuded of trees. Not to mention the US-Canadian border. Sure, cuz no photo ID.

[00:25:13]>> [laughter] >> I'm sorry?

[00:25:17]That was a joke.

[00:25:20]Why does Plooy make the trek?

[00:25:22]Because wolves have to breed with many packs in order to keep from becoming extinct. Really? If they breed among themselves, they'll eventually produce offspring that's genetically weaker, thus endangering their long-term survival.

[00:25:35]That helps explain Buckingham Palace.

[00:25:37]>> [laughter] >> May we tell you what we propose?

[00:25:42]Sure.

[00:25:43]The wolves-only roadway.

[00:25:47]The wolves-only roadway? 1,800 miles from Yellowstone to the Yukon Territory, complete with highway overpasses and no cattle grazing. An 1,800-mile wolves-only roadway? Plooy, you'll recall, had to >> Hang on.

[00:26:01]How are you going to teach wolves to follow road signs?

[00:26:04]>> Our scientists are working on a plan.

[00:26:06]Yeah, but in the meantime, Plooy's going to get drunk and wander off the wolves-only road and end up eating my cat.

[00:26:13]Huh.