Emotional abuse, which includes manipulation, control, gaslighting, isolation, and constant criticism, can cause deeper and longer-lasting psychological damage than physical abuse, often leaving invisible scars that destroy a person's confidence, identity, and sense of self; victims frequently remain in abusive situations due to factors like depression, pride, religious manipulation, and the false belief that they can change their abuser, but healing is possible through recognizing warning signs, seeking professional therapy, and ultimately choosing oneself as a turning point toward restoration.
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Woman 2 Woman Pocast: Invisible Bruises: The Hidden Cost of Emotional Abuse
Added:Okay, we are live after a few technical difficulties. We are so excited to be with you today. Hi, my name is Tiana Marshall. I am the founder of Tiana's Tea and She Rises Academy and I am here with Dr. Shandra Davis and we are so super excited because we are back with another woman towoman podcast. uh she survived real women, real stories and real healing. We believe that every woman can be healed. We believe that every woman can be restored and we believe that every woman can be set free. Men and women can be set free. So we are doing this podcast and as you know um I have been sharing uh story after story on each one of this podcast.
So, I want to come over here and show you another tragic situation that recently uh this one was a while ago that happened. And here you see uh this young lady, 26 years old. Uh he was 51.
And here we have another tragic situation where he actually uh contacted her family the day before this happened and said that your balloon release will be tomorrow.
And the next day he stabbed her seven times as she was calling the police.
They actually heard her um they actually heard her being stabbed. So uh she died leaving behind four kids. And again it's just another tragic situation. So today um let us remember the name Shereice Brown and keep her family in prayers um as they process through this tragic situation. This is one of the reasons that we are doing these um this series is because there's been such an uptake in uh murders that has happened especially as it pertains to women and I wanted to know like what can I do in order to you can't go in you can't stop a situation but you can bring awareness and you can let women know that there is hope there is healing um there is possible there is restoration for this and so I'm so Super excited. I am here with Dr. Shandra Davis. She is a psychologist and she is an amazing woman. And so her story is um this today is invisible bruises. Uh the hidden cost of emotional abuse. Abuse is more than physical. Sometimes the emotional abuse that happens can be a greater prison than the physical abuse. The years of having to come out of this. And so we're going to be talking with Dr. Shandra.
But before we start, I want to pray and then I want to get right into this conversation. So, Father God, I thank you right now that um you have allowed us to come into this area, this space, God, to bring awareness uh to what is happening around the country and around the world with domestic abuse. God, I know that you are bringing awareness because there is hope, there is healing, there is freedom, and there is restoration that is possible. And so I pray that Father God that as this broadcast go into houses um the homes, the ears, the hearts and the minds of those that are listening, Father God, that they will realize that there is hope, that there is healing, that there is freedom, and that there is restoration that is possible and that you want to bring to them. I thank you, oh God, that as Dr. Shandra shares her story, Father God, that it will pierce the hearts and the minds of those listening, Father God, and they too will realize that they don't just have to um thrive, survive a situation, but Father God, they can come out and be restored and be made whole. I thank you right now in the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen. So, we're going to get right into this. Dr. Shandra, can you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you?
>> Um, as Tiana stated, I'm Dr. Shandra Davis. Um I am uh owner founder of Davis Synergetic Development um where I provide mental health services to include um therapy, family therapy groups, consultations, program development, all things mental health is what I say. Um to diff to individuals, families and agencies. And um I have extensive background. I've been in the mental health field for since 2025. Okay.
a lot of years. You're just going to say a lot of years. A lot of years. Um and I've worked in a lot of different settings. Um but definitely speaking about domestic violence and sharing um my story definitely is a passion, you know, um for me um of just recognizing like, hey, it happens to everybody because we think there's a certain type of person, a certain type of woman, you know, within it. And I wish I could say like I became and got into the mental health field after No, my story is I was in my doctoral program when I experienced um experienced it. Um and that's after witnessing um some of the women in my family go through the same thing and vowing that I would never be in that situation. But guess what?
>> It ended up being in that situation. Um I didn't say long I got out of it, you know, definitely being able to see, but it still um is impactful and it still is impactful even on relationships to the day um to this day of where I have to work through and you know and looking at the impact that it has.
>> Thank you so much. I'm so happy that you're here to share this story. you just said something that was so important and so key because um I have posted domestic violence stories and um and unfortunately people who don't understand the dynamics of abuse number one they always ask a question why don't she just leave but recently I post a story and it was very bothersome that someone came in the comments and said oh I don't need to hear no more of the story all you have to do is look at the guy and tell that she shouldn't have been with him and I want to say that domestic violence doesn't have a Look >> correct.
>> It does not have a preferential uh you know um preference as to who it chooses. I just saw a story last week where a young lady was a deputy and the and the gentleman there was a murder suicide. The gentleman was a deputy and he murdered her and and so you know it doesn't have a look. There's no you know no right age. There's no right you know money there's no right background. it does not discriminate against who um but all we can do is help bring awareness um if even as it pertains to signs uh red flags and things that we can look for and so I'm so excited that you're here because in being in the mental health field you have seen a lot of these stories um and I'm sure that you can share those things with us but I want to get right into your story um at what point when you entered into this relationship ship. What were some of the signs that you saw that were unhealthy?
When did and when did you first start seeing those signs?
>> Uh so, uh I chuckle a little bit because that's a standard question of asking. I think we have to look at and understand that sometimes there are other things that impacts that mask to where we can't see things. So, what was actually happening for me in my life is I had um moved to Chicago. Well, back to Chicago because I was actually born there um to go to graduate school to my for my doctoral program and leaving family. I do have some family there, but it still was very different. The for close friends I had, I had a lot of things missing and so I was searching, you know, kind of deal and so, you know, trying to get to know, you know, and still also let me date, you know, all of these things in a wrong way. And so what I came to learn through a lot of therapy afterwards myself is I was actually operating kind of from a you know functional depressive state. You know this thymia if it's two years is kind of what we call it from the mental health side. And so I actually didn't realize actually I found out later he was actually our first four dates he was actually drunk and I never saw it >> you know um kind of you know I didn't see it and I still had things in place like the he didn't know where I live like I mean you know I ended up marry him and you know he joked about it all the time he was like yeah she I she told me she lived in the opposite direction of where she lived like I purposely walked a whole different way out of my way cuz I was always like no no no because of other things that happened with other family members in my past and you know people tracking me down on their side with domestic violence I was like nope you can't know where I live you know and so I had these things in place you know and >> I should know you know kind you know situation but I didn't and so as going through it I do think there were definitely some signs there was alcohol abuse on his side of things and I got caught up, you know, in the sense of I saw the signs. I can't say I didn't know. No, God gave me some big light, blinking light signs. I should have known, you know, and it's like a week down to a week before the wedding. I should have known when he disappeared for a few days. But then also pride got in the way because then it's like now I got to tell people I'm not getting married and I have to walk away. So I think the combination of depression and pride for me kind of pushed it forward, you know, and I got into it, but yet I still gave it a try. So within it, we still went through therapy. We went through two counselors, you know, within therapy, you know, the first one was a woman counselor and you know, and saying that he was like, "Well, you pick the counselor. It's y'all women ganging up, you know, that this gaslighting kind of deal happening." So I was like, "Well, fine then. you find the person, here's the list, >> cuz I'm paying for it, you know, kind of deal. Here's the list, >> you go ahead, you know, and so we went to the second counselor and um I don't remember what was said in one of the joint sessions, but he was like, "Oo, hold up. I need to meet with you guys both individually."
>> And he did a session with me and he did a session with him. I don't know what happened in the session with him, but when it was over and we came back for the session together, he looked at us and he was like, "Y'all need to get divorced. There is nothing that can be done with this." Like, he was like, "This needs to end now." And I'm just like, >> "Wow." Put a pin right there because I want to ask you a question about that, but I want to back up and ask you this question because I know that this is a very common question. Um, and and you said something. Number one, you said pride. I don't so many times failure of relationship will cause us to remain in a relationship especially when we hear people say oh you're not going to work oh he's no good for you then we it's almost like we have something to prove and because we have something to prove we remain in a situation longer than what we should but I want to ask you this question um outside of pride seeing the signs because you got you guys got married and you said some of the signs were there before you got married. God showed you a lot of the signs outside of pride. What are some of the reasons that women overlook um a lot of these a lot of the warning signs? Last week we talked about a story that just happened um in Pulk County which is closer to home where a I believe she was 21 20 yearear-old was murdered by a 40year-old who had uh they had three children was a murder suicide situation. Um and from what I understand is that the mother was in prison so the young lady was kind of on her own and so we can speculate that maybe she was looking for love. she was looking for something, you know, a a parental figure because he was 20 years her her senior.
But what are some of the reasons that women tend to overlook the red flags?
>> Well, I mean, and I can definitely speak from my experience and from um even some other people I've worked with and friends and you know, others who have talked about it. There are also certain people that are in certain fields in certain things who can fall into this a lot. I'm in the helping field. You know, I work with people all the time. You know, we have this like I can I can change them. I can, you know, I can work and change them or I see the potential.
I see what they could be if they just, you know, just apply themselves or get it together, you know. And so we sometimes overlook those things of just being able because we want to have faith and you you also don't want to say that you were wrong that you didn't pick the right person you know um for me that I failed you know as someone who's successful have been you know like I was advanced in a lot of areas again for part of that pride thing was like I would have to admit that I was wrong and it's not to say because I definitely had people I had a lot of people in my life who was trying to tell me >> that, hey, I don't think this is the right way. But the problem was there was only one person who was direct and told me >> kind of my best friend. She sat me down.
She was direct and she's like, I'm going to say this one time and I'm going support you no matter what happens afterwards, but I'm going to say this.
>> Everybody else did it in these very subtle ways.
>> And for me, if more people had been more direct with me because they weren't connected. So this is not like oh my family got together and did this >> but if they had all were as direct as that person was it would have gave me it would have gave me way more pause >> you know >> within sometimes sometimes I think sometimes we don't want to offend and so sometimes you know um and we're so used to I always say this you know like we're we have this saying about fixing my crown right and sometimes when you try to fix somebody's crown they're like oh you know, leave my crown alone. It ain't tilted. And so it it kind of pushes people away. But if God allows you influence in someone's life and you can see it, a lot of times you may have to ask God how to go about it, but like you said, you know, be direct and honest with the person, especially when you see them in a situation that could be detrimental to their health and those surrounding them. Now, you also said something early on in your story. You said that you uh watched women in your family go through situations like this.
How much did that play into uh into your relationship?
>> Actually very much like again I was very much like I'm not going to be in there.
I'm breaking the chain. I'm breaking the cycle within my family. I will not go through this. I will you know I was just very adamant. And even when I married, I would say the the warning signs was the alcohol abuse. The abuse signs was not there at that time. You know, that didn't come until later on of some gaslighting of um emotionally. I got um he kept saying to me, he was just like, "Oh, you want all these men? You keep looking at other men and stuff." And I'm like, >> "I'm not trying to be funny. I am going to school full-time. I am working full time. I have practicums. No offense. If I'm trying to cheat on you, I need to go level up and I need somebody's going to help me with these videos. I mean, like just like not like just saying like and boy crazy has never been a characteristic even growing up that anybody would have associated with me. And so it's kind of like am I doing something? Am I crazy? Is there not did I look at somebody like No, I didn't.
you know, and so truly at the wedding, like the alcohol abuse definitely was there to where I should have done it.
The abuse signs came later.
>> Um, and and I would tell you, I did not stay for long. That nine months I was out. You know, >> well, >> I was out.
>> I'm glad that that it only took you nine months because sometimes women say in the the past two women that we just talked to were in it for years and they went through years of abuse. So, it's such a blessing that you were able to get in and get out. How much did the psychologist that you saw, the therapist that you saw that said, "Hey, this is not going to work." How much did that play in your reality that, "Yeah, maybe this isn't GOING TO WORK."
>> THAT was the end. That was the end. That was the reality of a lot of things. And that was the end. And so, there was only there was two incidents that happened after that. And the very last incident that was very publicized, it was that like I didn't even go home. I called my aunt was like, "What train station can I meet you at?" Um cuz it was very public what was happening. And so I didn't even go home, you know, at that point. I went, you know, don't I'm the one paying all the bills, you know, what have you.
But I was like, I knew like I was done.
And I would say from when we had that session to that incident happened, it maybe it was a couple of weeks. It was not long. But I will say the other thing I'm going to say that occurred and one of the things that stuck with me is I had someone that was close to me and I'm having this conversation that I need to leave. Um and she said to me, she was like, "Well," and we grew up together, high school, you know, and she said to me, she was like, "Well, I think you need to stay because you know, we talked about that and you know, we don't believe in divorce." that she used >> she used to me the Bible of saying why I should say I had enough that I was like no ma'am because that is not love that is not God there is no way that God is ordaining that and for me to stay in that you know you can't there there's nothing that you can make me >> say that's going to be like no that's why I should stay you know within this and so I do think also that there are times s when people and they mean well she was not you know she was not someone and she did it in a loving way so it wasn't her you know >> in a bad way done but I do think sometimes people use religion or they stay for that reason and even on the mission trip um I do mission work in Costa Rica we had someone that was stay and you know and we were asking and finally I was able to ask a question a different way because at this point the person she was married to had did talking to her older daughter, >> you know, within it. And she said, >> "Well, I the only reason I've stayed and stayed this long is because if I divorce, I'll go to hell."
>> Oh my god.
>> So, she you're bringing this up. I'm so glad you're bringing this up because >> Well, let me ask you this question. Now, of course, you didn't buy into it, but so many times, religion is used as a method or a tool to force women to stay in relationships when they should. I know people, high-profile people that literally stayed in relationships because of the pressure of religion and religious people to not get a divorce.
How did that make you look at religion and the Bible and God? Did it change your perspective? How did that how did that change you? Did that or did it affect you?
>> Um, it it did not I knew it was not what for me. And this is where having your own personal relationship with the Lord, you know, has to come into play that you have to be able to understand and know and that everything that is spoken to you is not for you. um in the same right that she did that, there was somebody else. Um cuz the church that I went to in Chicago, which is the church I was born into when I was a little girl, my family's church, I actually got up. They knew I got married. It was publicized. And I got up and I even said, "Hey." And I was like, you know, nobody forced me to testimony was that I got a divorce within and you know what was happening. And there was a woman afterwards that came up to me. She said, "Good job. I am so proud of you that you did not stay that you did not allow that you did not hear. So in the same right he sent someone to be able to confirm for me and I knew that was definitely from from him for me within that. The other piece of it is I also recognize that >> just because you do a paper and you sign and you say you got married does not mean that God ordained that marriage and it was a godly marriage. because that was the other thing that through therapy that I realized that wasn't a godly marriage from the get-go. That was not who it was supposed to be. So, also some of the same principles don't apply because it was never a godly marriage.
Period.
>> Exactly. Let me say this. It is never God's will for you to remain in an abusive situation. It is never God's will or desire. God is not going to put you in a situation that is God is not going to protect you. He's not not going to promise to be your protector. He's not going to promise to be your shield.
He's not going to promise to fight for you and then and then ordain you to be in a situation where you got to fight for yourself and you got to defend and try to protect yourself. So, you know, those are not the characteristics of the God that we serve. And so, anybody that is being manipulated into remaining in a situation because God said or the Bible says, like Dr. Shandra said, you have to know God for yourself. You have to know that the the only way that you can you can think that God would endorse you staying in a relationship is that you don't have a relationship with God. Let me just say if this is helping you, please share, share, share with others.
Share your pages because we want to make others so aware of what is being said and what is going on here. I want to go back because somebody said something and I think that that is uh that is so important because a lot of women um are in relationships because of this. You said potential potential having hope. I always feel like we as women have this because it's natural um it's a natural instinct. It's a natural um part of our makeup is that we nurture, right? We take care of things. We mother things.
It's it's part of our makeup. And so, you know, unfortunately, we when we see somebody wounded, no matter how deep, no matter how bad the wounds is, we feel like we can fix them. Let me tell you something. If God if they not letting God fix it, you can't be God Junior.
And, >> okay, >> you cannot be God junior. If God if they won't even allow God in to fix the situation, don't think that God is going to put you in a dangerous situation that's going to be detrimental to you in order for you to fix the situation. If God can't fix it, it can't be fixed. And I think that that is one of the the major parts of change and transformation. You said you went to therapy. You can go to therapy all you want, but if that person doesn't have the mindset to change, if that person doesn't want to change, none of the therapy, none of the meetings with the pastor, if you go keep going home and you see the same situations happen over and over, it's not going to work. And so, we have to stop fooling ourselves and thinking >> that we can change people. Um, that therapy and counseling is going to fix them. If they don't want to be fixed, it's not going to work. And we also have to have I believe this we have to have enough discernment and wisdom to know when you're being gaslighted because many times abusers will will temporarily make adjustments and they'll temporarily make adjustments in order to satisfy you >> but the longterm um their long-term position is to revert right back to where they were. So that's the other thing that we have to be careful is that this change because sometimes we get so excited about a little bit of change, you know, a little bit of difference. Oh, they're going to church now, but are they going to church because that's what you want or are they going because that's going to give them brownie points with you and you're not going to, you know, put your foot down or what have you. So, I think that's so important. Now, as it pertains to the emotional abuse that you went through, because I want people to really understand this, it was one of the things that frustrated me very much so about the Puff Daddy and the Cassie case. Um, many times people were like, "Well, she wasn't in prison. She could just leave."
And I and I wanted to shake people and say, do you understand the psychological prison that happens and how and how complicated um that can be? Talk a little bit about what that emotional abuse looked like. I know it wasn't from the beginning, but later on after you got married, you begin to see that. What did that emotional abuse look like?
Um, again, various things of saying like, "Oh, it's because, you know, I'm going after other guys and stuff." And I wasn't. Like, literally, there was a time where I was sick. We're on the way to my doctor >> um on the bus. I physically look sick, >> which mind you, the sickness came from all the stress I was under, but and so a guy gave up his seat because he saw me barely able to stand. Mhm.
>> So I sat down. I said, "Thank you." And my head is against like so like you have the bus driver and right behind the bus driver is where I was sitting. My head is leaned up against it just because I'm trying to hold up. And he's like, "Oh, that's cuz you wanted the bus driver. I can't even see the bus driver. Like I can't like I am literally physically sick. We're on the way to a doctor's appointment. Do I Wow.
>> Like are we serious?" And so there would be things that he would say that he would do to, you know, just being able to make me look like I'm crazy or um I was walking home, like when I would walk from home, um I would have a day, everybody in like friend or family, they each had a day that I would talk to them walking home. It was also a safety thing that I was doing. And so one of our neighbors who he hung out with is like talking and it's like obvious. I'm like, I'm on the phone. Hey, I'm on the phone.
So finally I'm like, okay, I guess I got to get off the phone. like the person on the other end hears this when he sees oh see now you try to talk to him I don't >> I have again I don't have anything so he kept putting things on me >> that in turn he was doing when he would go on drinking binges and come back in 3 days I don't know where he is he would accuse me of stuff which in turn I'm like cuz it's probably because you were doing that stuff >> and so you are you know putting on me that hey no I'm doing these things and so like they just in a sense it's like it just beats you down that you don't you know >> know what to do you you're like maybe it is me. Is there something I'm doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? What am I looking at? You know again I was school full-time, working full-time and a practical I ain't even got I can't even cheat if I wanted to. Like I just I didn't even have the time to even cheat.
And so it looks different for everyone.
Um, it can be >> start say no, you shouldn't hang out with your friends or you should spend more time with me. I don't really want, you know, be with you. And so they try to isolate you, you know, where you're not having as much communication or spending much time with other people. It can be um >> being honest and I hope you know I don't know how many kids or what have you are watching or what this looks like, but there will be things that he has done, you know, in a sexual wise, you know, kind of deal of, you know, oh, you're making too much noise. that's cuz you want everybody to hear you and just be able to like finish and walk off, you know, and just like leave me there and I'm crying, you know, or uh you look this way or no, that lingerie doesn't look good on you. And so it's these small microaggressions that build up, you know, that just take your self-esteem away, you know, and almost make it like you have to stay, you have to. And again, I was paying all the bills. Like I want you guys to hear like there was in this one I didn't there was not the financial piece that a lot of women go through because I was the one that was paying for everything.
Everything was in my name, you know, and so I could walk away. But that even he played into it because then it was like, you know, he had to ask me for money, >> you know, um with things if he wanted to do something, you know, >> kind of, you know, what have you. It was not supposed to be for the long term. It was just for him to get a actual vocation and he was in school and so it wasn't a long-term thing of what it's supposed to be. But all of these things kind of played into it that it was just these things. Or my favorite, well, you know, I got an alcohol problem. That's a disease. You should know that you're a mental health therapist.
>> Oh wow.
>> You should give me a chance.
>> Not playing the mental health therapist.
So he play on your emotions. He play So a lot of times they play on your emotions. They play on your ability to be compassionate. They play on your ability to care, to nurture. And so even when I believe that that's a lot of times why >> many times when men come back and they apologize, you know, I'm not going to do it anymore and they have the tears, a lot of women are drawn back into that because they they have they pull on the emotional uh side of women. And I think it's so important and what you were saying is it looks different for everyone, but when it begins to cause you to question your identity and question your selfworth and begin cause you um you know isolating you from your friends, then all of those are signs that some type of emotional psychological abuse is happening from outside that is affecting you internally. And that is all the more reason to seek help. Now, why do you think that emotional abuse is so much harder to recognize than physical abuse?
And I'm talking about for the person in the abusive situation because many times we can stay in abusive situations when it's emotional for years, not even realizing how it is uh affecting us internally. Why do you think it's so much harder to recognize that emotional abuse than it is a physical abuse?
>> I don't think it's not necessarily that you don't recognize it. It's just that >> um things in society says that it's okay. Like how many times do you hear like well he ain't hitting you >> so you know was like people will say that you know they like well he's not hitting you so it's not an issue on the legal side of it also it's harder you can go for physical abuse and a person can be you know the perpetrator can definitely be charged and convicted.
There is like a very small percentage of cases where emotional and psychological abuse has been won in the court legal system, >> you know, but we also have the research that shows um in the mental health side that emotional psychological abuse is more detrimental than physical. Physical the physical heals quicker, >> way quicker than the emotional psychological. I mean, I was in therapy for two years after that. you know, my school specially sent me to I they were like, "You can't just go to any therapist." They sent me to a very specialized therapist to be able to go for it. And I remember one of the things she said when I discharged when I was moving from Chicago, she looked at me and she said, "When you came in, you were just so raw." And I was like, >> I was kind of offended. I was like, "Raw?
Damn." She was like, "I watched you. You would come in here. You were sit down.
You would have a full breakdown." And then by the time at the 45 minute you would put yourself back together and you would walk out until the next week. She was like for at least the first two months that was every week of what that looked like.
>> Wow.
>> I lost me. I could look in the mirror mirror and I didn't know who I was. And other people saw it too because I had friends because in our school in the doctoral program you had the same what we call cohorts. And so you had the same people in your classes like all those four years. So we all got super close.
And so one at the end afterwards and when the healing happened therapy, one of my friends walked up to me and she said, "Oh my gosh, you're back." And I was like, >> "Wow, >> girl, where where have I been?" She said, "No, with everything that happened and going through, we lost you and you weren't you anymore."
>> Wow.
>> And you're back and I'm so happy to see you back.
>> And that was profound to me that I lost myself. That was the first time because I've always been a very super confident, you know, um, self- assured child always. And so that realization of that raw in that of her saying, "You're back." I was just like, "Wow, >> you don't know who you are anymore." You know, you can't recognize. I almost died physically. Like literally, I was having some major medical issues, pass almost passing out, and doctors couldn't find out anything. And it was because it was from the stress of what was happening and what was occurring because we don't realize stress changes your molecular makeup. It actually changes your body internally.
>> And so literally staying in that was killing me, you know, physically also.
And so we have to be able to recognize like take those things into account that psychological. It was very easy for the physical to heal. I mean that I only had one thing that happened on my hand and it was very physical and that he helped.
But it took me two years to come close to being able to heal emotionally and psychologically and spiritually I was okay that God you know kind there was certain things I knew was you know I was good there but to forgive myself >> that was the hardest thing was forgiving myself.
>> Wow. Wow. So that debunks the lie that we learned when we were kids. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. No. The damage of psychological um abuse can be so detrimental that it can take you years and years to come out of that. And I want people to understand that the sometimes the emotional abuse is far much greater >> than just the physical abuse alone. Um because it is meant the enemy means to kill, steal, and destroy you. And that means every part of you. He'll destroy your confidence. He'll he'll steal your identity, you know. And I think that you said it was so profound for someone to say, "She's back." Because we don't even realize that the people around us begin to recognize our slow fade. But because we've been in it so long, we don't recognize the change that has occurred until we really look in the mirror and say uh you know we have a Eureka moment like I'm not something is I'm not the same. You know where is that person?
Where is that confident person? Where is that bold person um that that I once was? And I think that that's so important to actually realize. Now you talked a little bit about gaslighting.
What is gaslighting? Because some of us don't know what gaslighting is. What is gaslighting?
>> So, gaslighting is basically where someone will um it's a form of manipulation, but it's even like stronger than manipulation. And it's basically where they will take things and turn it around on you to where it make it be as if it's like it's your fault, you know, that something occurred or something happened. Um, and so when I was saying like he's like, "Well, you know, I have an alcohol abuse problem, you know, and you're a therapist and you know that that's a disease and you know how hard it is. It's a disease I have to live with, you know, and it's like, yeah, but you ain't know nothing about that disease. So, I mean, like, well, we kind of go there, you know, with certain things." And it's like, okay, well, yeah, you're right. Well, okay. If you're willing to do this, you know, when you do that, you know, it'll be, you know, okay, fine. I'll give you a chance. Or, you know, well, if you hadn't gotten angry at me, I mean, excuse me, if you had had the food on the table, if you hadn't yelled at me or certain things, then, you know, I wouldn't have had to hit you.
>> And so, they turn things around to make it like it's your fault, you know, like it make it it's you, you know, like you're their issue and you're, you know, you're not the one, you know, that that they're excuse me, they're not the one who has done something.
>> And so, you start to almost believe it.
you start to go like, "Oh my gosh, maybe there is something wrong with me.
>> Maybe it's, you know, so you're trying to change. You're trying." That's how I lost myself because I was trying to change >> and do all these and be and it's like that's not who I am and all these different things because I'm trying to fit the mold to make you >> not do those things to me, you know, kind of.
>> That's so tormenting. I remember um some years ago I watched a Lifetime movie that was about gaslighting and I literally watched um how this how it occurs where literally it's meant to make you think that you're insane and it begin to question everything. It actually makes you begin to question the reality. It's like I see the light is white. you came and changed to blue to make me believe that it it's blue, but I know that it was white and you and and it becomes so convincing that you begin to question, >> did I really see it white? Was it always blue? And that can be so damaging because again, it begins you begin to question everything about yourself. You begin to question the design, who God created you to be and the design of who you are. You begin to question, was it something WRONG WITH GOD'S DESIGN? like is there really something wrong with me?
And I think that that is so important to recognize that when someone starts making you question everything about yourself that you know um when when people start making you feel like you know you're wrong about everything that you're the reason that they are behaving the way that they are blame is is very much one of those symptoms or red flags that hey you know everything I'm I'm doing everything that I can do to make this work and I'm still being blamed. There is, you know, a line that we have to draw in the sand. Um, and you said you you talked about a little bit how damaging this could be um to our stress and how it changes the molecular um buildup of who you are. I think that is so important because you've been a part of our domestic violence plays and um at one time we did one called What About the Children? And in that we talked about adverse reactions. And although even children don't physically experience the abuse that the parent is is um experiencing, the fight that they have to come home every day to a place that they're fearful, they don't know what's happening causes certain hormones to be released. that begins to change the structure physically of their brain being flooded with uh hormones um that is not normal and natural for a normal a regular person every day and I think that we have to understand that because that's how it works on us and before alone you no longer recognize who you are your thoughts are different your perspective is different everything everything around you is different and it's being changed because of the experience erience uh that you are are living in on a daily basis. So your reality becomes different.
How does prolonged emotional abuse affect your decision making?
>> Well, I mean, so okay, so I'm step in the therapist role for, you know, second.
>> Yes. So with my adults and some of my teens, I do a treatment.
>> And basically what it looks at is that we have these experiences that have occurred, you know, for us when we're younger. Um adverse childhood experiences, which that's what you were just talking about. Um which is why every time y'all go to the doctor now, they're asking about your trauma because it does affect your physical health. And what we have found is certain things happen and occur and we create what's called these stuck points and we operate out of these stuck points. So these things that happened to us when we were so much younger, we continue to operate out of them and continue to keep going, you know, with them and we don't even recognize and realize that we're responding and we're acting out of them in that manner. And so it creates that.
So for some of us it creates it when you go through the trauma. For some of us, there may have been other stuff that happened when we were younger and then this happens and it reinforces >> what those stuck points that we already had about ourselves that that continues to go on. So for me, I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you know, and so within it, so even this whole sexual piece that he brought into it, he found my Achilles heel, you know, within it of being able to like nobody's ever going to love me, you know, I'm plus-siz. I've always been plus-siz, you know, and that actually happened out of a trauma of my dad dying when I was, you know, right before my 12th birthday. But you know, and these things of like, oh, and so it's just like nobody else is going to want you like I do. You know, nobody else is going to make you feel the way that I do. And so there were some things that were already there from that that also played into it to where I'm also operating. So he found that tape that was already there and added to it in so many ways. And so it impacts even today certain things. So where in relationships where I have to watch, I have to, you know, when I enter into relationships, I have to make sure that I don't hold somebody accountable for all the bad things that these other men have done to me, you know, and that I'm not operating out of those stuck points.
And it still creeps in and it has to be like, oh, wait a minute.
>> That's that stuck point. I am good enough. You know, it's an identity crisis. Even when you were talking about, oh, they kept saying it's identity crisis cuz that's that's what gaslighting and that's what it is. It attacks your identity >> to where I lost who I was in Christ and knowing who I am with things.
>> And so that's what they're psychological. It breaks it down to where you don't know who you are and impacts you in such a negative way, you know, and that looks different for everybody because everybody has their own stuck points that they operate from if they don't know. And >> so, you know, with therapy, with treatment, you can recognize, understand what they are, how to identify them, and then how to challenge them, and to be able to break it down, which aligns also with the word, you know, because then you can go find >> the script. You can go find what God says, who you are to be able to make sure you remember that and realign your identity and walk in what God has called you to walk in.
>> Yes. I think that that's so important to um to recognize the problem a lot a lot of times and you were talking about like childhood um childhood trauma and things like that which the enemy intentionally inserts in order to um again distort your identity so that you don't know who you are. And so many times women get into relationships, I find get into relationships without their godd identity. And when you don't have a godded identity, what often happens is that the enemy comes in and now he can begin to mold and make you into somebody that you're actually not because you don't know who you are. And they said when you don't, you know, there's a saying that, you know, you don't answer to every name someone calls you, right?
When you know who you are, you don't answer to every name that someone calls you. But when you don't know who you are, you are more prone to answer to names to begin to morph into, you know, a a a stage um that someone else has defined for you. So, I think it's so important that we know who we are, that we before we even enter into relationships. Many times people ask, you know, well, why didn't she, you know, why did she get into this relationship? A lot of times it's because we don't know who we are. We don't know who our our God defined identity because when you understand you understand what you're worth and you're able to recognize certain things before they even happen. So, I think that's vitally important. And I think sometimes that's very hard, especially I will say in the African-American community because you said something, I'm a person that believes in Jesus and therapy.
Okay. And so, um, I think that therapy is so vitally important. And just because you're out of a situation, just because, you know, you're no longer a child that, um, that child that experienced that trauma does not mean it's not still affecting and operating in how you move today and how you make decisions and how you see things. Um, it's being filtered through your experiences. And so, you know, getting in a relationship, I would I would encourage every woman that has experienced childhood trauma, go to therapy, right? Before you even get into a relationship, because you got to realize that certain things skew your perception, your perspective, your outlook. And so if I'm filtering a relationship through a dysfunctional uh realm or visual perspective, then that means that what one person may find normal or abnormal is going to be normal for me because this is what this is the lens in which I'm looking from. So I think that's so important. Now in every relationship there's always a turning point.
Um, you said it earlier if you don't mind sharing. What was that turning point?
>> We can't I can't we can't hear you.
>> Hear me now.
>> Okay. Yes. Yes.
>> Okay.
>> Sorry about that. Um, the turning point situation for me occurred. Um, I was definitely doing a practicum. He had done one of his disappearing. He would go on binges and he would disappear um for days. I wouldn't know where he is, where he's at, what he's doing, whatever. And he called me and was like, "Hey, I'll meet you at the train station." Because I had a practicum on the west suburbs. And then he was like, "I'll meet you at the train station."
Um, I was like, "Okay, sounds good."
Well, he gets to the train station. He got there before me. I walked up to him and I said, "Hey, babe. How you doing?"
And he was like, "Oh, I'm waiting for someone."
And so, at this point, I realized he's drunk. And I'm just like, and all I did was just stand there. I didn't even go anywhere. The people looking around like, "Didn't he just say like, you know, they looking like, "Is she crazy?"
And all I did was just stand there. And then he said, "Oh, they hey, how you doing?" They were like, "What the fl just happened?" And so at that point, I'm upset cuz I know he's drunk. You're still drunk. You've been gone for three days. I don't know where you were, who you what you were doing, and now you're drunk. And so, long story short, a scenario happened. He became very belligerent, yelling and screaming. He was even screaming at the workers and I'm like, "That's not their fault, you know." And so he I was just like, "Okay, whatever." And I'm actually on the phone with my mom, you know? So he thinks I'm on the phone yet again with a guy. Oh, who that guy? Oh, you're on the phone with the guy. And so he snatched the phone out of my hand. And when he snatched out the hand, he actually broke the skin on my hand.
>> And at that point, I was like, "Well, let me call you back." And that's when I called my aunt and I said, "Auntie, I can't go home. I need to know what train station to pick me at." And so >> for those in Chicago, being on the west suburbs, I had to get all the way to the south side of Chicago. That takes it took me two hours on public transportation to do that.
>> He followed me the whole way.
>> And then when he realized I was not getting off where would have been our home and I never said anything. I would just move. I was just out of the way.
There were men and people who tried to intervene because he kept coming at me.
But again, I would not respond. I would not say anything. I would just move out of the way and he would try to block me, you know. I don't know how the police didn't get called. They definitely got c almost got called a couple of times and some guys and I was just like, I'm, you know, and I just would say to people, I'm not going home is all I just said to them. And I wasn't. And so I made it to my aunt's house and I did not go home.
Um, and that for me was a turning point that I was like, I'm done. I'm not doing this. And I would say even still, I did give a chance. I was like, hey, if you can go stop drinking, get to hell. we can then go back to therapy for the third time and we will see is what I said. But I also knew he wasn't going to do it, you know, kind of deal. But at least I said it. And so for me it was like I just I was like >> I'm going to die like I and this is not where I want to live and this is not what how God called me to live. And for me that was a turning point and I did not. and he had to end up getting out of the house because actually everything was again my name you know like don't you know and so I just stood my ground at that point.
>> Let me ask you this question. So you said that you you know you even said at that point because many times um women get out of these situations and then you know God makes all these promises and they go back. You said that when you got out of it, you know, even then you said it, you know, if you do this, this, and that. When you said, would you do this, this, and that, did you mean it >> or did you know that he wasn't going to do it? And so, >> I actually did mean it at that time because I never said we would definitely get back together. What I said was we would go for another round of therapy and we would >> So, I never made a definite decree. The other thing I did that part of that story that I forgot to tell was there was a song that came on the radio >> that really touched me. It's to me song me and to this day that song holds to me and for don't know it's basically about choosing yourself over you know someone you know in domestic violence. It's a beautiful song and that the only time I ever heard that song played on the radio was that day.
>> Wow. I have never heard that song played on radio again. And I didn't know where it was cuz I was telling the story to a friend, my classmates at the time, one of them. And she went and tracked down what song it was, who it was by, you know, cuz I didn't even know who it was by or anything at that time. And she tracked it down. And that song definitely I held on to that song during that time. And that song definitely also saved me. Like if I ever got to meet Tamia, I would tell her how that song saved me so much because it said I choose me.
>> I choose me. It's me, myself, and I. You know, kind of deal. That's who I choose because you think it's somebody else and it's not. It's me.
>> And that when I decided to choose me, that's when I could walk away and that's when I could start the journey towards healing.
>> I think that's so beautiful. So, I'm going to go look the song up because I probably use it in one of the domestic violence plays that we do. But, but I think that's so important that at some point you have to choose you.
>> That's that is a major turning point when you realize that you've been living for someone else. You've been living in the shadows of what someone else expects of you and at some point you have to choose you because God chose you. Um, now I want to ask this question. Um, is it possible? Do you believe it's possible to fully heal from emotional abuse?
>> Yeah, I definitely I definitely I I am walking living, you know, with that. Is it hard work? Oh my god, it is hard work, y'all. Like, let me Oh, it is hard work. Therapy is hard work. Everybody that kind of comes in therapy, you think it's easy. If it's easy, you don't have the right therapist.
I tell my therapists, I mean, excuse me, my clients all the time, there's going to come a day you ain't going to like me. you're not going to like what I'm going to say and that's when you know it's working. Okay. So, um it was it's really hard but you can heal but it's also a constant thing and that's what I'm saying like it's not just a one time you know and that's it. It is me constantly having to recognize like wait a minute am I wait a minute oh wait a minute that's the point cre up again.
Nope. You are enough. You are beautiful.
You are wonderful. you deserve, you know, to have someone to love you, someone to cherish you, someone to, you know, all of these things. And so, it is a constant of making sure that I am walking that out and, you know, and that I'm not allowing people >> or men, you know, even, you know, relationship wise to come in and to just do anything. And it's hard, you know, um, it's a process. I mean I'm coming out of you know for a different reason another different type of trauma and you know being able to recognize that nope I fell back into that functional depressive state this time some other different things that occurred and happened during that time and so it is a lifelong process of being able to recognize but can you heal yeah you can heal you know I try to say like I may have made that mistake but I'm not trying to make the same mistakes you I'm going to make some new ones cuz I'm not Perfect. I'm definitely make some new one, but I'm trying definitely not trying to walk out and make the same mistakes I made before.
>> Yeah. So, I I think that that's such an important message because one of the reasons we're doing this, we want women to understand that healing is possible, that there is hope, that God can God can restore you back to who he created you to be, back to your identity. Um, and you don't have to live in the residue of what your past experience was. Now, you know, uh, one of the things that we deal with when we come comes to domestic violence is the aftermath, >> right? And so, I know therapy was a great part of the aftermath. Last week we talked about or the week before we talked about having a plan. You had a aunt that you could fall back on. What do you believe are practical steps that that men or women can take before leaving a domestic violence situation or domestic abuse situation?
Well, one we talk about definitely that leaving is the most dangerous time you know that it occurs and it happens and so you need to make sure that you do it in the right way. There are um different agencies that are out there therapists like get with them to be able to create a plan that is helpful for you to get out. I was just lucky enough that because I had the all the control that I, you know, I I was able to do certain things. So, I did not go home, but he had to get out. He had to get out, but I had the number. So, I had my the um landlord. I called him immediately. I had the landlord changed for locks. He took him off of the lease. He had only put him on the lease just to make him feel better. Good. But it wasn't, you know, because of anything else. I you know like there were things and precautions I took in place even with him leaving of making sure and there still was an incident that happened afterwards where he called the police on me cuz I wasn't letting him in but the police almost took him to jail and so and that's when I was like nope that actually that's when the locks changed that's when I was like nope I got to get the locks changed I got to get this do done you know and having the support I am I am so grateful for my mother my mother literally during this time was flying to Chicago every other month just to clean my house and just to be there with me and to help and support me, you know, and you know, and I love that woman, you know, kind of deal. Okay, that's tearing me up. Talking about my mama is what's tearing me off.
>> You know, that's so beautiful. I think we talked about this. Um, a lot of times people are people will say, you know, why don't you just leave, you know, or or you should just leave. And I think because we don't know how to help people, our response is leave. But many of the situations that I've seen, especially lately, uh the the murder of women has come as a result of them trying to leave the situation. And so I want people to understand that >> it's one thing to tell someone to leave.
It's another thing to help somebody with a strategic plan. like do you have somewhere for them to go? Are you going to help support them if if they leave?
You know, in your situation was a little different, but many times, you know, financial security is is one of the major strongholds within a domestic situation that keeps women there, especially when they have children, you know.
>> Um, >> so let me can I speak to that for a second? And there but there are these agencies. So again, I've had other family members and I have one family member close to where actually before all this stuff happened that I had to help to get out of a situation where she ended up in the hospital almost, you know, dying, you know, kind of within it. And so there was an agency and I was like, you can't go home. And we called.
And so what they did was the police they had I had to meet we had to meet the police somewhere and they had you know in a different area because they wouldn't even say I couldn't even know where the the shelter was that she went to >> and they took her and we actually had to place her in a whole different she had to go to a whole different city you know to be able to and then my neph excuse me my uh okay sorry and then the child one her child had to be placed somewhere else you know and because they were coming after. They will use children.
They will use whatever they can of being able to, you know, to combat that, you know, and and I do apologize because I think everybody's story has to be their story to tell.
>> Yes.
>> But I will tell you, these agencies are so well trained that they know exactly what to do, what to how to assist you, and they have all the things. And even within that situation, something else happened. But they had put and taught certain things in plan to when the person did eventually find them. There was also something in plan that another p, you know, woman who had gone through something similar that was able to help and they were able to get, you know, get the person, they went to jail. So those agencies are there. They are experts.
Contact them. Even me as a therapist, that's who I refer to. You need to contact those people. That's who you need to go to because they know how to get you out of that situation in the safest way possible and what to do with that and know and your family has to know during that time there may be not a lot of contact. There may not be not because you're trying to ignore but because it's in your best interest until it can fully be broken away.
>> Thank you so much for that. I would like to um go later and post like some of these agencies, but I I do understand that that there are so many agencies out here that are specialized that are trained for these situ uh for these situations. And I think that, you know, one of the questions I had was how can family and friends help um someone who's experiencing this? because I I talked about the on the first show, I had a a friend that reached out to me whose husband um she was being harassed by her friend's husband who was abusing her.
And then every time uh they would go through an an abusive situation, then the husband would threaten to call the friend's husband and tell her stuff that that friend had shared with, you know, the abusive husband. and the friend called me and she said, "I can't do this no more. You know, she won't leave him and I'm leaving." And I thought to myself, gosh, this would may be one of the most crucial times that she needs you. Um, but a lot of times these are these are the things that happen. And so something that you said is uh, you know, I talked about these agencies. One of the things that I think that when we have someone that we know is in a domestic situation, become educated on how to help them, you know, call the agencies, have information that you can provide to them and not I mean, you can't may not can give it to them physically. You know, you may not can send them because a lot of times in abusive situations, people are checking emails, they're checking, you know, text messages and things like that. but find a way to get them the information that's necessary in order to help them. And I think we have to be so sensitive to that because if you've never been in a domestic situation, you don't know the um the type of torment that these women go through. You don't know the type of, you know, um sniffing panties, you know, um checking text messages, checking emails. There was a young lady even um that wanted to share her story, but she couldn't share her story because although she's out of the situation, he still has access to her emails. And if he saw it, there would be a problem, you know, until until she got the situation resolved completely, afraid to even receive emails. And I think that we can't take those things um for granted.
Neither can we take the threats, the comments. You know, if if your friend tells you that um I said the story that I introduced earlier today, the young man, the the guy told the family that the the lady had just lady had just buried her brother and they did a balloon release. And he told the family the day before he murdered her is that her balloon release was coming soon.
Don't take those things lightly. The young lady that was murdered in Pulk County, he told the family members the day before that I'm going to kill her and the next day he did it. You know, I don't, you know, and I know sometimes we cannot understand why women stay, why men stay in these situations, but just know that your being there, you being a voice, right? you being an outlet gives her some room, gives him some room to breathe until he can actually see himself out of the situation. Because so many times I find that we don't, women don't have safe spaces. Men don't have safe spaces where they can talk about what's happening to them and not be judged and not be questioned. Why are you still there? Get out of the situation. If you're going to encourage them to get out, then have a plan because it's not just get out. That is so easy to say to someone when you're not in the situation. And fear doesn't have a grip on your soul, you know?
>> But that's the difference between sympathy and empathy, you know?
>> Sympathy is just like you need to get out like this feels ucky. I don't like the feeling. I need you to get out because I need to feel better. Versus empathy is sitting with you and saying, you know what, that sounds hard. That really sucks. It sounds like it's a really difficult thing, you know, for you, you know, that you're going through. Wow. You know, >> that's so important to point out. There is a major different and a lot of times >> we sympathize with people's situation, but I remember there's a story in the Bible when one of the prophets, God said, "Go sit where they sit so you can experience what they experience before you speak to them." Sometimes you have to sit with a person, take your feelings, your emotions out of it and hear their heart so that you have the compassion, right, that's necessary in order to help them navigate through the difficulties of what they are actually experiencing and what they're actually going through. What impact does abuse have on children who witness it?
>> Oh, a lot, you know. Um so more in recent years and legislation has changed to where children who witness abuse you know um are um and domestic violence are can actually be removed from the home.
So it does not have to be directly occurring happening to the children because of the impact that it has you know on them psychologically um for them. Um so it's huge you know you're also teaching them you're teaching them that it's okay. You're teaching them that that's what it's supposed to be. You know, I talk to people all the time. Is that the message that you want to give and that you want your child to be able to have? Whether they are, you know, um they are ones that grow up um sometimes some grow up to turn into, you know, abusers themselves, sometimes not. Um sometimes they gravitate towards people who are abusive and not um a lot of them don't know. Here's one of the other thing I want I really want people to understand and know. One of the biggest age groups for domestic violence is actually teens.
Teen violence is very much up there and a lot of people don't realize and know that because a lot of times teen wise they're not really saying anything and they think that they should because they think they'll never find anyone, you You know, so like all my teen clients, uh, most of them that we going through what what healthy relationships look like and I'm teaching those things and they still I I got got a client recently went through some of that and still ended up, you know, in that type of situation, but had enough and knew and remembered what she got taught to go, all right, I got to get up out of this, you know, like and didn't last long. We need to have these conversations and we need to be doing education to teens and watching what they're going through, the relationships that they're in and not brushing it off as, oh, it's just teens being teens. It is not. And so where I talk go back to the sub points and different things, it's because a lot of them, if we go back in their history, it started in some form of fashion, in some type of relationship when they were teenagers that it was also occurring. And so my goal is always I'm all about being proactive and not retroactive is to educate. That's why I get on here and tell my story. That's why, you know, I try to educate. That's why adolescence probably are my favorite group to work with of teaching them because the sooner we can have conversations and it's not just about what not to look for, I don't think we have enough conversations about what does healthy relationships look like. If we can show that part more, >> the other like then there's no room for it to happen because I know what I should be looking for versus not.
>> That's so that's so good. That's so powerful. I've heard that recently in regards to teens and a lot of times, like you said, we brush it off and we say, you know, oh, that's just teenage love or what have you. But it's so important that we recognize, you know, no matter how much they don't want you in their business, that we're able to recognize how important and how imperative it is for parents to be a part of and to know what is going on with your teen. I have a question about that. What are some signs and symptoms that parents can look for that can tell them that their child um is in an abusive relationship?
um some of the same things as adults. If they're hiding, you know, we're long wearing long sleeve shirt, it's hot in Florida right now. If anybody got on some long sleeve shirt, you might want to be questioning why they have it on.
And it's more than just those hoodies and going to school. You know, um you know, the boyfriend's been or I can't do anything. A loss of interest in activities, you know, they're quitting stuff because they all their time is spent with the boyfriend or the girlfriend, you know. want to be able to be involved and to know invite them over. You should know who your child is dating and what that looks like, you know. Um I love it. Like nobody else is doing that. That's a lie. There are people, you know, parents out there.
There's social media. You Here's an interesting social media is uh the existing when it comes to children and teens. And it's so funny because they're like everybody has it. No, they don't.
Do y'all like do you realize I've listened to some podcasts of the people who created social media? The Facebook and a lot of this stuff. None of their kids have social media. You want to know why? Because they never created it for kids to have social media. So the very people y'all getting all this money allow your kids to have it. They don't allow their kids to have this thing that you aren't allowing them to be able to have. And so, um, the biggest deterrent to some of this stuff for teens is to have them activities. The more activities and things and goals and things that they have, the less likely they were going to fall into certain type of situations. But also talk to your kids and communicate. Share your stories. I get so many parents like, "Well, I don't want to share. They don't need to know what I've been through."
But they do because they can learn from your mistakes. But if we don't and then they end up in these situations, it's like, "Oh, well, yeah, I've been through that." Well, why didn't you tell it? Or I have some kids who are asking, they were like, "Now, I know my mom and dad done been through some stuff, but they don't say nothing." And I can't be or when I come to them, they giving me these blanket answers and I'm like, "Come on." And some this is from PK's from preacher kids, you know, or saying stuff like, "Come on now. Y'all ain't always been saved, you know, like, you know, hello." And so we have to be willing to be vulnerable even with our children, you know, and just because you did something doesn't mean they're going to be like I think we're scared as parents like that means they're going to be like it's okay to do. No, share your mistakes, but also don't just share your mistakes. Share how you overcame and how you, you know, and how you persevered, you know, and because that is the more important piece. They recognize like, oh, okay, yeah, life would have been easier. I think that's so important. I love that you said to share your story.
You share your story with your children because a lot of times children don't talk about what they've gone through or what they're dealing with because they feel like their parents are so perfect that they never understand and because they feel like their parent has never been through anything. But when they know when you share your stories, then they understand that maybe my parent will understand what I'm going through.
you know, maybe my parent won't judge me for what I'm going through because I'm going through the same thing they're going through. So, I think that that is so important. Thank you for sharing that with us. Thank you for sharing that this is happening so much more in teams than what we realize. And so, that is something that we really really need to pay attention to. Um, like I said, if we look at previous situations, when we start dating back, a lot of times we'll realize that a lot of these relationships happened in the teenage years because these girls are very young and the relationship started before they ended up dead and it started in their teens. recently. I mean, there's this story that's happening now where the lady um the little girl was 13 years old, and I know people heard this story, but the little girl was 13 years old.
The mother's knocking on the door to come in. She won't open the door. When she finally opens the door, the guy is up under the bed. He's 20 years old, and something happens occurs. Anyways, he ends up dead in the front yard because the mom shoots him. Um, but the daughter is 13, the man is 20. You know, we got to know what our kids are doing. We got to ask questions. We got to invade their privacy, you know, and we have to know what's happening. So, I thank you so much for saying that. Um, what message would you give to a woman that feels trapped today?
>> I would I would definitely say that again. I would I would say, hey, you're worth more. Number one, you are worth more. And there is an out. It's hard.
And you need to be strategic about what that out is.
>> And so, we need to look at what that looks like for you and how to be able to get you to where you need to get out of the situation because you can't start the healing process. You can't do any of those things until you're out of danger.
You know, that is the first. And this even therapy wise, none of us and nobody is going to touch, you know, going deep into your trauma until you're in a safe place where you can delve into the trauma and being able to work it through. And so, like I said, it's hard work. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like it's not. You're going to have some days. It's scary. Um it's really difficult. Um um it it's making me think of um but the church uh we had a guest pastor that spoke out of Nashville and he talked about um the difference of the spirit of fear >> versus the feeling of fear, >> you know, because we always quote, you know, he talk about we quote like God is not giving us the fear of fear, you know, but power sound mind and recognizing that a spirit of fear is what stops you from doing things. the feeling of fear cuz you know he talked about the feeling of fear. God literally gives us fear because that's how we take risk. That's the faith you know that allows us to keep going you know and be brave in the midst of things that he's telling us to do. And so he talked about really understanding the difference between those two. And so it's like hey are you operating out of the spirit of fear or you the feeling of fear? because the feeling of fear we can push through and God is going to be with you through it all, you know, and being able to work with them on that and just being there to support them because they still have to do it in their own time, you know.
So, again, I knew I should have gone, you know, but it still took me a couple of weeks or, you know, a month and, you know, afterwards and I knew it was over because I remember the day I called my best friend probably remembers the day I called her and said, "My marriage is over. I'm going to have to leave." But I still it still didn't happen immediately.
Got you. Can you finish this sentence for me? I survived because >> I survived. I I really think I survived cuz I'm I had a I had a praying mama and a pray I had a lot of folks praying for me. I'mma be honest with you. You know, I thought about that. I was like, I survived because I had a lot of people praying for me >> and I survived because I chose me.
No, that's good. That's good.
>> I chose me in the end. I have to do this. I I recognized and realized God called me to be a psychologist. I Let me tell y'all because I didn't want to.
That's a whole different another podcast, y'all. But that's a whole different story. But I didn't want to. I was called to do what I do. And you know, it's like the person I'm scared more of is God. I don't want to get to the end. And he like, "I told you to do what you didn't do." M >> uh and I had to choose me because the only way that I can do what I was supposed to do is as I had to choose me.
>> And so I think the prayers of these women I I I I know who these women are.
I can call their names right now.
>> And it wasn't just my mom. I can call and these are some older women, you know, kind of feel who were connected to me. And I know their prayers. And then I finally recognized that I just had to choose me. again that song I mean when I tell you every time I hear that song that song and she got another song called love and I where she talks about breaking up and stuff but I know I'll love again those two songs >> got me through you know some things cuz I did I was like I ain't done I don't want nobody you know kind of deal like you know what I do I do want love again but I don't want none of that don't look at me don't talk to me you know but it really helped me and sometimes times you you know God send things I know it's like well no it's not you know like a you know religious song no I think God can send messages in so many different ways in different areas and he sent that message to me and the song will always be because even when times I got to choose me I have got to choose me when things don't go right when people do me wrong when they abandon me within it I've got to choose me and do and you know and walk in the identity that God has given me so I need you to choose you >> I need you to choose you.
>> Oh, that's so beautiful. I think you know, you said something which is so powerful. Um, for those who are listening who have loved ones that are loved ones, friends, families that are in domestic situations, never stop praying. Never give up. Never lose hope because your prayers, God hears your prayers. And sometimes your prayers are the reasons that people are able to come out of these situations. They're the reasons that people are able to choose themselves. So, never stop praying. Dr. Davis, thank you so much for your transparency and your courage and your willingness to allow God to use both your education and your experience to help others. Tonight, you just reminded us that abuse doesn't always leave bruises people can see, but God is able to heal even the invisible bruises, the invisible scars, those things that happen to us mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.
And so, I think that that's so powerful.
Um, if you're watching tonight and you see yourself in this conversation, please know this. You are not alone. You are not crazy and you are not beyond help. And your story does not have to end in abuse. There is hope. There is help. There is healing. Dr. Shandra is a therapist and I know she is extremely extremely busy. I don't know what it is to get an appointment with her, y'all. I just know she is extremely busy. But I would love for them you to share your information for women men to have your information because there's nothing like having someone who has been through what you've been through and understand what it means to empathize but also understands that there's hope and there is healing and can help. So Dr. Shandra, if they want to get in contact with you, if they want to make an appointment, how do people get in contact with you?
>> Um, you can go to my website which is davidergeticdevelopment.com.
Um I have um Instagram and um Facebook page um also um doc that is um Dr. Excuse me David Synergetic Development also um so you can reach out and here's the thing I'm not for everybody. I'm not everybody's cup of tea as a therapist and you know and I I definitely say that because I'm not you know there are different styles of therapy and what it looks like but I am one that I always will help you find someone to be able to help you and to assist you in any way that I can um with that because it is um and so please I have no problem that if it's not me get you connected I don't take insurance just let y'all know that's a whole another different story um kind of deal so I know and times are hard right now so I want to be honest but I still within your insurance network will see if I can, you know, I do know other providers, you know, around to where I will be able to, you know, try to get you connected to someone if I know them that I can refer you that does. I think it's really important. Therapy is for everybody, you know, kind of deal. Therapy is not just if you have these major issues, you know, like seek it. Therapy, we therapy and Jesus. Jesus and therapy, they go together now. They go together.
>> We believe in Jesus and therapy. Listen, I have Dr. Davis information up on the screen. Take a picture, screenshot it, take her information, contact her, reach out to her. She is absolutely amazing um at what she does. And although it's hard work, the work is necessary to heal. And as you can see, as a result, she is healed and she is out here helping others. And that is what it's about.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, so much for tuning in. Listen, if you if this story has helped you, if this podcast has helped you in any way, please share it with others so that we can make sure that we get awareness that we share stories and so that people know that they are not alone in this. Dr. Shandra, I thank you so much. If you have any final words, what what are your final words for the women and the men that are listening this evening?
>> Choose you.
>> Choose you.
>> Choose you. That is that is a mantra.
Choose you and everything else evolves and comes from choosing you. You begin to make the right decisions. You begin to get close to the right people. You begin to find your identity just from that one thing. Those two words, choose you. Thank you so much. I love you so much. You know, I appreciate you. Oh my gosh, you are so amazing to us and you have meant so much to us. So, yes, my mom was asking about you today. She loves you so much.
>> I miss her. She's the best.
>> Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for listening. Listen, join us again next Tuesday with another woman sharing her story. Real women, real healing, and real stories. We love you and thank you for tuning in. Good night.
>> Good night.
All right, that was absolutely amazing.
Thank you so much.
>> You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah, you know, I I do my best. I was even I even started a new job and I was like, y'all, I can't I this is on the books. I got to I'm not changing that date. This is important, you know, and so um thank you for the opportunity of being able to come on to share my story.
>> Definitely. You know what?
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