God Jokes With Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy

[00:00:00]I'd be remiss if I didn't do one joke about God. I like to do jokes about God.

[00:00:05]Yeah, [cheering] thank you. My mom wanted me to be a youth pastor and when I became a comedian she said close enough. So to do a joke about God. I believe in God but it's tricky. It's tricky to do jokes about God cuz a lot of people don't believe in God. So you start talking about God they get bored.

[00:00:22]You might as well be talking about a unicorn.

[00:00:25]Then there are a lot of people who do believe in God they get tense.

[00:00:29]They're like this [ __ ] better not make fun of my unicorn. You know what I mean?

[00:00:34]>> [laughter] >> So that's just a fancy way of saying this next part is just for me.

[00:00:41]>> [laughter] >> I believe IN GOD. I JUST DON'T THINK GOD cares that I believe in God.

[00:00:48]I think that's a weird thing that we made up. That God is up there like, "They don't They DON'T BELIEVE IN ME?

[00:00:57]DIDN'T THEY SEE ALL THE RAINBOWS?" LIKE WHAT?

[00:01:00]>> [laughter] >> WHAT KIND OF candy-ass God is up there like, "IF THEY DON'T BELIEVE in me my powers won't work."

[00:01:12]>> [laughter] >> That's not God.

[00:01:14]That's Santa, [ __ ] You know what I mean?

[00:01:17]That's a disservice to God.

[00:01:20]But all my friends are comedians which is just a fancy way of saying all my friends are atheists.

[00:01:27]>> [laughter] >> So they make fun of me. They say, "Pete, there's no evidence for God here.

[00:01:31]There's no evidence. This is the phenomenon inside the phenomenon. You know what I mean? What more?

[00:01:39]What more?

[00:01:42]>> [laughter] >> What more?

[00:01:44]Also, I completely agree. You won't find evidence for God here. What are you nuts? We're like characters in a book looking for evidence of the author inside the book. God, I hope you're stoned. We're like We're like characters in a book looking for evidence of the author inside the book. But the author isn't in the book.

[00:02:09]Do you understand?

[00:02:11]Harry Potter can't find J.K. Rowling at Hogwarts.

[00:02:15]She's not there.

[00:02:17]So, that might be frustrating for him.

[00:02:19]It would be within his rights to be like, "WELL, THIS IS [ __ ] BULLSHIT."

[00:02:23]YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[00:02:25]BUT DEEP down in his essence, Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling. He borrows his reality from J.K. Rowling. His mind is an apparent limitation of J.K. Rowling's mind. And the greatest evidence of an author isn't in the book. The greatest evidence of the author is the book. And there is a book. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, we are fish looking for water.

[00:02:55]And if you don't believe in God, that makes perfect sense to me. That's a valid opinion. You don't even have to explain that to me. What makes no sense is if you believe in God, this timeless, boundless, eternal ground of all being, and you think that God is mad at you.

[00:03:12][ __ ] get over yourself.

[00:03:15]>> [cheering] >> What is this ego trip? "Oh, I touched MY WIENER. HE'S AFTER ME NOW." [screaming] LIKE J.K. ROWLING ISN'T mad at Harry Potter. Does that help? Does that make sense?

[00:03:28]SHE'S NOT LIKE, "HE DID WHAT?"

[00:03:32]"OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TORTURE THIS [ __ ] IN A FURNACE." That's insane.

[00:03:38]J.K. Rowling isn't mad at you.

[00:03:44]Even if some of us are pretty mad at J.K. Rowling.

[00:03:47]>> [laughter] [applause] >> I just found out you poop your pants when you die.

[00:04:00]That really changed the John Wick movies for me.

[00:04:04]>> [laughter] >> Get out of that room, Keanu.

[00:04:10]>> [laughter] >> The fight's over. Seek fresh air.

[00:04:15]>> [laughter] >> We're almost done, by the way. You're going to be farting in your car in like 10 minutes.

[00:04:22]And for some of you, that's going to be the best part of your night.

[00:04:25]You drove here alone. You're going to hear that car door seal. You're going to be like, it's going to be amazing.

[00:04:31]You could roll the window down, but you're like, no.

[00:04:37]I want to know myself. You know what I mean?

[00:04:40]You're lowering the resale value for some self-exploration.

[00:04:45]>> [laughter]