How does sexual desire really arise? - The science behind arousal | DW Documentary

[00:00:02][music] [music] >> Suddenly, it's there, surging through you.

[00:00:14]Often, a touch is enough.

[00:00:17]A thought.

[00:00:19]A glance.

[00:00:24]Our blood pressure rises. Our breathing quickens.

[00:00:29]Our skin becomes more sensitive.

[00:00:32]>> The sensation spreads from the belly downwards and then all over our body.

[00:00:37]>> [music] >> What are the benefits of pleasure?

[00:00:42]>> Well, first of all, it's fun.

[00:00:48]>> In my practice, I see the negative aspects of desire in the form of excessive arousal or a lack of arousal.

[00:00:58]>> I have erection problems. My penis doesn't stay hard when I have penetrative sex with women.

[00:01:06]>> Sexual arousal can be unpredictable.

[00:01:09]Sometimes it's there. Sometimes it's gone.

[00:01:13]>> I don't get an orgasm when I have sex with other people.

[00:01:25]>> I've always had a relatively high libido.

[00:01:30]And actually, it's kind of saved me.

[00:01:35]>> Are we completely [music] at the mercy of our desire? Or can we control it?

[00:01:42]>> [music] [music] >> Can desire be learned? Yes, absolutely.

[00:01:53]>> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Desire is something like an anticipation of what's to come. We spend our lives navigating desire and it can be considered a basic human need.

[00:02:31]>> [music] >> I'm Dania Shiftan. I'm a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist. [music] It's my dream job to inspire people to see them realize, yes, we can talk about it just like any other topic.

[00:02:52]>> [music] >> For me, the thing is I don't orgasm.

[00:02:58]So, it's really only something that happens during solo sex.

[00:03:04]>> [music] >> My name is Lara. I'm 27 years old. I live in Munich and study German and philosophy and work part-time as a student assistant.

[00:03:18]I'm in a non-monogamous relationship with a partner I've been with for five, almost six years.

[00:03:27]>> [music] [music] >> Dania's coaching sounded really interesting.

[00:03:47]>> Hi.

[00:03:48]>> Hi. Come on in. Nice to meet you. This is Dimitri.

[00:03:54]>> [music] [music] >> Well, I don't see it as a problem that needs to be solved, but of course it's something I have to address sometimes.

[00:04:09]So, I thought this could be the right setting for it.

[00:04:12]This is, of course, something I actually want.

[00:04:16]Aha, there's room for improvement and things could be even better.

[00:04:25]I'm not going into this expecting that after an hour and a half of coaching I'll suddenly be able to come the next time I have sex with someone.

[00:04:38]But I do think it would be interesting to get some kind of expert view on what the cause might be.

[00:04:47]That's already very interesting.

[00:04:49]Basically, what I'm hearing is that you can have an orgasm.

[00:04:53]What's your usual routine? Can you help me picture it and explain as precisely as possible?

[00:05:02]Yeah.

[00:05:04]Well, I definitely have to be in the mood for it.

[00:05:08]Before?

[00:05:09]Sexual arousal is something very, very physical. It's the reflex that gets triggered. Sexual pleasure is actually the enjoyment, the savoring of the experience.

[00:05:24]>> [music] >> And how do you know when you feel like it?

[00:05:31]That feeling in my gut like, oh, that would be nice right now. Then my mind starts to get involved. Audio erotica can really get me in the mood.

[00:05:43]Our desire is born from an interplay between internal and external factors, touch, thoughts, or other sensory stimuli.

[00:05:54]These stimuli can trigger the release of dopamine in the so-called reward system, [music] a cluster of nerve cells at the bottom of the cerebral cortex, where we process information. [music] Our reward system then sends signals to deeper brain regions, the brain stem and spinal cord, and from there to the so-called autonomic system, >> [music] >> the part of the nervous system we can't control.

[00:06:21]The autonomic nervous system releases neurotransmitters, causing our heart to beat faster and our breathing to quicken.

[00:06:30]Blood rushes to the genitals, making the erectile tissue of the penis or clitoris swell, [music] and pre-ejaculate or vaginal fluids are produced.

[00:06:39]>> [music] >> And then really depending on the mood with sex toys or just by myself.

[00:06:48]50% with toys and 50% without, or more like 80% with toys and 20% without?

[00:06:55]Do the toys completely dominate? 90/10?

[00:06:58]>> Yeah.

[00:06:59]>> Yes, definitely. What does this thing do? Is it more for the outside, more for the clitoral tip?

[00:07:06]Or is it something that goes inside?

[00:07:08]Assuming that's the vaginal opening, is this something that goes into the vagina?

[00:07:15]Both.

[00:07:16]Um For me the fastest and easiest are the clitoral The ones that suck?

[00:07:26]Yeah, exactly. The air pumps. Like an air pump? Yeah.

[00:07:31]>> [music] >> Basically, we can stimulate the entire body, but our nerve endings are more concentrated in certain regions.

[00:07:38]>> [music] >> Whether we find something arousing or not can vary from person to person and can also change over time. Typically, highly erogenous zones include the genitals such as the penis, testicles, [music] clitoris, vulva, perineum, anus, prostate, as well as our lips, >> [music] >> ears, breasts, nipples, neck, or inner thighs.

[00:08:04]In the right context, [music] the genitals in particular can respond to stroking, rubbing, pressure, or vibration.

[00:08:12]>> [music] >> The pelvic floor muscles, too, are packed with nerve endings that can be stimulated by tensing [music] and relaxing.

[00:08:20]The fin. How do you find the spot where the device needs to go?

[00:08:25]Is it hard to find?

[00:08:28]I think I'm well-trained there.

[00:08:30]So, it's direct.

[00:08:31]Yes.

[00:08:33]And that's kind of my theory why it works so well alone, but not with other people.

[00:08:39]Because even if I were to explain to them where their hand or mouth I feel like they wouldn't get it anyway.

[00:08:48]Of course, I've also wondered, is it because my partners aren't quite the right match?

[00:08:53]But now that I've slept with a lot of different people in this non-monogamous relationship and tried a lot of different things, I've realized, okay, it's kind of a thing.

[00:09:04]So, I guess it's something to do with me.

[00:09:09]What Laura has experienced and described to me is extremely typical. When she takes things into her own hands, in the literal sense, then she's in control.

[00:09:19]She knows exactly what's needed. But within that clarity, there's a certain limitation in that it only works according to this very precise playbook.

[00:09:31]>> [music] >> The phenomenon of conditioning. We all know Pavlov's dog. Whenever food is placed in front of it, the bell rings, and eventually the dog starts salivating just from hearing the bell. So, that's biology, and it also happens in sexuality. When I'm constantly associating one thing with another, I'm programming my brain.

[00:10:09]My name is Heike Melzer. I'm a neurologist by training and a medical psychotherapist specializing in couples and sex therapy.

[00:10:18]>> [music] >> The brain has plasticity, neuroplasticity. If I repeatedly combine stimulus A with stimulus B, they eventually become friends. There's a rule, what fires together wires together. So, what fires together connects over time. That's how we teach children, for example, at the traffic lights. Red means stop. And eventually red is no longer a neutral color. And it's a similar thing with solo sex. If I'm used to over 100 vibrations per minute with a vibrator, then a penis just can't compete.

[00:10:56]>> Usually, the path to orgasm goes like this. As arousal increases, the hypothalamus [music] and pituitary gland release various neurotransmitters, >> [music] >> such as oxytocin and dopamine.

[00:11:09]If arousal levels continue to rise, an orgasm, [music] the arousal climax, is triggered. A process that's controlled by the sympathetic nervous system, part of the autonomic nervous system.

[00:11:22]Muscle contractions are then triggered throughout the body, particularly in the pelvic floor muscles surrounding [music] the genitals.

[00:11:29]The muscles around the vagina and uterus, as well as those around the penis, contract rhythmically.

[00:11:35]>> [music] >> This usually leads to ejaculation in the case of the penis, and occasionally in the case of the vulva, where it's called squirting and can happen before orgasm.

[00:11:47]Now, a euphoric sensation courses through the body.

[00:11:51]After orgasm, the built-up tension subsides. [music] The size of the genitals, as well as heart rate and breathing rate, decrease [music] again. The concentration of the hormones serotonin and prolactin is high. A sense of physical well-being diffuses through the body. In the [music] best case, we feel relaxed.

[00:12:12]>> [music] [music] [music] >> I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star. I feel good.

[00:12:35]>> More and more men are also coming to us with issues of low libido.

[00:12:41]Solo sex is often still a regular part of their daily lives, but more as a way to relieve tension. While partner sex has fallen by the wayside.

[00:12:55]>> Am I nervous? Yeah, a little. I'm a stand-up comedian. I get out there and talk about myself and the topics on my mind, and today we'll be talking about erection problems.

[00:13:05]I am Hauke from Cologne, 32 years old. I live in Munich and I'm a full-time stand-up comedian. I go on stage, talk about myself. I fail on stage in front of people. That's what I do, what I've chosen to do. That's my life now. If one or two people are a little more sensitive about it because they can't get it up, that's totally fine.

[00:13:33]>> [music] >> So the urologist asked do you generally get an erection when you masturbate? I say yes. She takes a blood sample, does test to see if it's testosterone or whatever. My urologist says there's a 95% chance that it's all in my head.

[00:13:48]That's what's stopping me getting an erection. Then you get pills. That's it.

[00:13:54]>> Men in their 20s and 30s tend to have psychological erectile dysfunction.

[00:14:00]Anxiety, inexperience, excessive porn consumption and the conditioning that goes with that. Then there can be a loss of sexual drive between the ages of 30 and 40 in long-term relationships when you're busy trying to raise children.

[00:14:14]Around 50 to 60, organic erectile dysfunction increases. At around 70, if the numbers are to be believed, as many as one in two men are affected.

[00:14:26]>> [music] >> I know now. Actually, I've always known that it's entirely on my end. It's not something to do with the women. It's an issue somewhere within me.

[00:14:40]So there are a lot of factors involved.

[00:14:43]I mean, I get depression. I'm an over-thinker. I have a thousand thoughts in my head.

[00:14:49]>> [music] [music] >> From now on, we have to be quiet.

[00:15:18]>> [applause] >> And we'll move right on to the next comedian. A big round of applause. It's Hal Ker Fun Guss.

[00:15:32]>> [applause] [cheering] >> MEN'S IDENTITY, their masculinity, their very sense of being a man is much more dependent on an erection or a well-functioning erection.

[00:15:47]And when there's an imbalance there, it often involves a lot of anxiety and stress. More so than with women.

[00:16:01]>> [music] >> Do you know how you position your legs?

[00:16:13]Could you show me that posture? Maybe stretched out?

[00:16:20]Maybe you stretch it out like this?

[00:16:24]That means it's a very precise sequence with high core tension and a very specific point with this toy.

[00:16:32]Mhm.

[00:16:36]>> [music] >> Let's try an exercise. Make a fist and stroke your arm. Mhm.

[00:16:49]Let's see. How does it feel?

[00:16:54]Feels nice. Feels good.

[00:16:58]Now, watch what happens if you keep stroking like that.

[00:17:02]I don't find it as pleasant as I did just a moment ago.

[00:17:06]And do you know why?

[00:17:09]Because slowly the body is getting more and more tense.

[00:17:14]And the surface receptors are getting a little numb.

[00:17:19]Yeah, totally.

[00:17:21]I've just had this light bulb go on in my head.

[00:17:26]>> [laughter] >> Exactly.

[00:17:29]And that's what happens when you're with a partner and you tense up.

[00:17:35]At first, you're like And then the touch suddenly becomes a little too much and feels uncomfortable.

[00:17:45]>> [music] >> To be honest, till now I'd always thought that tension during sex was a really good thing.

[00:17:56]And then to see in this exercise that the more and the longer I tensed my arm, the less sensation I felt in it.

[00:18:04]And of course, this will apply to other parts of the body, too. It's just crazy.

[00:18:10]But that's probably just medical knowledge, knowledge about the physics of our bodies.

[00:18:17]The less movement there is, the more restricted, localized, and confined the arousal and the perception of the arousal becomes.

[00:18:27]And now let's move on to the topic of movement.

[00:18:31]Cats.

[00:18:32]Cats are really good at getting the touch they want exactly the way they want it.

[00:18:38]Try reaching out with your arm to get that touch just like a cat.

[00:18:43]And in a way that feels comfortable to you.

[00:18:47]Maybe press against it more softly or more firmly.

[00:18:51]Can you imagine that?

[00:18:53]How does that feel?

[00:18:56]Actually pretty good. You? Yeah. Yes, but actually pleasant, I'd say.

[00:19:04]And now let's see how you're doing. How is your body feeling?

[00:19:10]I'm feeling a little relaxed right now.

[00:19:12]>> [laughter] >> Oh, no, let's not go there.

[00:19:15]Yes, I'm feeling reflective, centered.

[00:19:19]I would have thought that deciding for yourself where the touching should happen would somehow take away from the intensity.

[00:19:26]But to the contrary.

[00:19:30]>> [laughter] >> There are a few major factors that increase sexual arousal or have a positive effect on it.

[00:19:40]An absolute must is movement. [music] The more movement in the body, the greater the blood flow, and the warmer you feel.

[00:19:49]The more the arousal spreads, the more holistically it can be perceived.

[00:19:54]>> [music] >> Movement can also be internal movement.

[00:20:00]That would be mainly breathing. Full breaths deep into the belly.

[00:20:07]You become calmer, more relaxed.

[00:20:11]And so more in touch with yourself.

[00:20:14]There's a little trick with the mouth.

[00:20:17]Open your mouth, maybe stick out your tongue.

[00:20:20]Make audible sounds. Moaning, for example, or laughing.

[00:20:26]Think of those people with loud contagious laughter.

[00:20:30]But it's also calming for yourself.

[00:20:35]It's closely related to the idea of being in the here and now, focusing on the moment.

[00:20:48]So, for example, in Lara's case, if she were to come to me regularly for therapy, then we'd experiment, see whether the sex toy could be part of it or not.

[00:20:59]Maybe she could lie on her stomach, maybe not, or perhaps stand or move around.

[00:21:06]That also creates new But we build up very slowly. For example, you could say move the vibrator a little more to the right, but only for 5 seconds and then go back to what you're used to.

[00:21:20]And then after a minute, move it a little more to the right or left so that the new sensation is introduced.

[00:21:27]That's actually my main message. That sexuality really is learned and arousal really is changeable, learnable, and relearnable.

[00:21:43]>> That really opened my eyes in so many ways. As soon as I woke up, I thought to myself, "I'd love to have sex with someone right now."

[00:21:52]>> [laughter] >> Put it into practice immediately so that Sounds weird.

[00:21:57]>> [laughter] >> So that I can be the cat who gets what she wants.

[00:22:03]>> When and how people usually climax varies. According to a US study, [music] 95% of men and 65% of women regularly climax during heterosexual sex. And during [music] same-sex intercourse, 86% of women and 89% of men.

[00:22:21]>> [music] >> The biggest difference in reaching climax occurs between women and men during their first sexual encounter.

[00:22:27]Only a few women have an orgasm at this stage. The gap narrows as experience increases.

[00:22:34]>> The gender gap in orgasms is certainly due to the fact that the female anatomy is still a miracle, that women don't have the confidence to communicate where their pleasure zones are, that men, when in doubt, are perhaps more self-focused, more selfish, and have somehow failed to learn how to play the keyboard of female pleasure.

[00:22:56]>> [music] >> In addition to physical experiences, our pleasure is strongly shaped by social influences. That [music] is by culture, upbringing, religion, and then also the knowledge we acquire about our sexual organs and pleasure.

[00:23:15]>> [music] [music] >> When I was about 25, I stumbled upon an article about the clitoris by chance.

[00:23:32]And at first I thought, "Oh, that sounds interesting. It can't hurt to read something like that."

[00:23:38]And then I was very surprised because in that article I saw a diagram of the clitoris's complete anatomy for the first time.

[00:23:47]And I also noticed how a sense of shame washed over me.

[00:23:50]Because I felt like, "Oh my god, I must be the only person who doesn't know this."

[00:23:56]But then I quickly realized, "Okay, nobody else knows it either."

[00:24:03]>> I'm Louisa Lorenz. I'm a cultural anthropologist and gender researcher, and I work primarily on the topic of the clitoris.

[00:24:16]>> [music] [music] [music] >> I'm super excited that you came today to learn something.

[00:24:33]I suggest we jump right in with a little quiz.

[00:24:36]>> [music] >> How big is the clitoris?

[00:24:44]>> Half a centimeter, 1 centimeter, 5 centimeters, or 10 centimeters?

[00:24:48]>> Half, one?

[00:24:50]>> It'll be bigger than we think. I'd say 5 to 7.

[00:24:55]>> What's the size ratio between the clitoris and the penis? 1 to 10? 3 to 7?

[00:25:02]2 to 1? Or 4 to 5?

[00:25:07]>> [music] [singing] [music] >> People with penises learn to make that connection from birth or around age 3 or 4, for example. They're learning to pee.

[00:25:26]They learn how to hold their penis out.

[00:25:28]They feel the change, increased blood flow.

[00:25:32]They work with natural biofeedback much more regularly.

[00:25:37]Girls or people with a vulva and vagina are still raised from the very beginning not to pay attention to what's happening in their underwear. And that's exactly why the connection from the brain doesn't come into play.

[00:25:52]So, they don't even notice, for example, that their genitals are actually moist, actually well supplied with blood, but they might not have noticed it at all.

[00:26:12]Okay, we're up at the end of Okay, our time is up now for the [ __ ] quiz.

[00:26:17]I think you're all finished, too. The clitoris has a total size of about 8 to 14 cm.

[00:26:24]So, that's quite a bit.

[00:26:30]And you also had the question about the correct size ratio. The correct answer is 4 to 5.

[00:26:36]Okay, I can see a few satisfied faces.

[00:26:39]It looks like you have the right answers.

[00:26:41]Here we see the clitoris and the penis, which consists of two types of erectile tissue.

[00:26:48]In the penis, most of these erectile tissues face outward.

[00:26:53]Whereas in the clitoris, only the tip only this part is visible from the outside and the [music] rest is inside the body.

[00:27:04]And then there's the erectile tissue of the urethra.

[00:27:08]Many people will know better as the G-spot.

[00:27:12]When you insert a finger into the vagina, you'll find a rough, ridged area on the upper wall of the vagina.

[00:27:21]It's very sensitive to stimulation.

[00:27:24]It's like the prostate is for people with penises.

[00:27:29]So, it actually doesn't make sense to talk about such a complete separation between vaginal and clitoral.

[00:27:36]Orgasms can feel very different. That's completely normal.

[00:27:40]That's also true for people with penises.

[00:27:44]So, I'd be very surprised if someone with a penis said that every single orgasm in their entire life has always felt exactly the same.

[00:27:53]>> [music] >> A lot of women wonder why they feel so little when, for example, a penis is in their vagina.

[00:28:04]But when they start to realize that they've hardly ever touched their vagina or even included it in their masturbation, it makes perfect sense that it's still just a black box that simply doesn't have any connected nerves yet.

[00:28:20]So, what we know about sex and sexual organs can influence our desire.

[00:28:26]Social norms like body image affect us, too. Advertising, the media, or cultural products constantly judge our bodies.

[00:28:35]Too fat, too thin, too hairy.

[00:28:39]Fluids like sweat, semen, or menstrual blood, which are actually typical during sex, are often perceived as disgusting.

[00:28:47]Judging our bodies can make it harder to feel desire.

[00:28:50]>> [music] [music] >> The issue of desire, yes, that was definitely a problem. But somehow I've always had a relatively high libido.

[00:29:13]And it was clear to me that I wanted it.

[00:29:15]I wanted a romantic relationship. I wanted to have sex, beautiful, fulfilling sex.

[00:29:22]>> [music] >> I'm Lynn. I live in Berlin, work as an electrical engineer. I'm married, 41 years old, and I'm intersex.

[00:29:40]>> [music] >> So, it's simply on a spectrum between male and female physiology.

[00:29:52]That's 2% of the population, 1.4 million people in Germany. Just think about that. And in my case, that means I was born with XX and XY chromosomes, with both a penis and a vagina, as well as testicles, ovaries, a uterus, and a prostate. So, I have everything.

[00:30:14]So, they identified it right at birth, and I had surgery when I was a year and a half old.

[00:30:21]That's to say, they removed my ovaries and testicles, even though they were healthy, and there was no medical necessity.

[00:30:29]And my penis was amputated, purely for aesthetic reasons.

[00:30:35]Because they declared me to be a girl.

[00:30:43]>> [music] >> My My relationship with my body was, of course, seriously affected by the surgeries and the treatments, and also how it was handled in general.

[00:30:55]I was examined every 3 months from age 8 to 17.

[00:31:02]A crowd of people in white coats would gather around and touch me without speaking to me.

[00:31:07]They'd reach between my legs, etc. Yeah, so that was highly traumatic.

[00:31:18]I was called a girl, but I couldn't identify with that. And then I just thought I was some kind of monster.

[00:31:30]My sense of self and pleasure was severely broken. You could say I couldn't sense myself at all.

[00:31:38]>> [music] >> Sometimes negative sexual experiences will have an adverse effect on a person's sexuality.

[00:31:54]This is not always the case, but people who are affected usually do need therapy.

[00:32:04]In my experience, almost anyone can develop a pleasurable, fulfilling sexuality.

[00:32:12]>> [music] [music] >> After a pretty intense course of psychotherapy, when I was about 20, it dawned on me that the reason for my trauma and all my worries actually stemmed from those surgeries and how they were handled.

[00:32:42]And yes, that I was intersex. And that was such a revelation for me. Like giving the monster a name, so to speak.

[00:32:52]But it didn't even take 5 minutes before it was like, well, like vertebrae in a spine going click, click, click.

[00:33:00]Everything just falling into place. And suddenly there I was, so stable and healthy and strong.

[00:33:07]And it all made sense. I was just me.

[00:33:11]And everything was suddenly okay.

[00:33:13]>> [laughter] >> And yeah, that was huge.

[00:33:19]And from then on, everything changed for me.

[00:33:24]>> So our desire is influenced by individual factors, but also by societal norms. What is right sexuality or wrong sexuality? What culture am I growing up in? What religion? These are all factors that influence our desire.

[00:33:43]>> [music] >> On the first date, I thought to myself, okay, we should probably discuss this whole sex thing before the pizza even arrives.

[00:33:56]I need to get rid of those in and out expectations.

[00:34:03]>> [laughter] >> I said, look, I don't want to hear about any of the classic things people usually do during sex.

[00:34:14]I want us to meet as people, as individuals, as special, unique bodies.

[00:34:20]And first see what feels good.

[00:34:24]And to my surprise, it wasn't just my quirk.

[00:34:28]My dates would say, oh, that's how you can do it.

[00:34:33]It was totally beautiful, a special experience.

[00:34:43]Music is everything for me, a kind of lifeline in fact.

[00:34:51]Hey. Hey.

[00:35:00]>> [music] >> Metal can take the greatest pain and the greatest anger and the despair, the powerlessness and transform them into something simply beautiful.

[00:35:46]>> [music] [music] >> In my mid-20s, I had a real aha moment after work, a long day at work. It's kind of cheesy. I was watching the sunset at Görlitzer Bahnhof, just standing there on the platform looking at the sun.

[00:36:08]And I realized that I'd been waging war against my body the whole time.

[00:36:13]When really I live inside my body and it's not my body's fault.

[00:36:19]>> So, our society can influence [music] our desire through knowledge and through body images.

[00:36:25]And also through other norms, >> [music] >> especially so-called sex scripts. These are socially widespread narratives about how sex is supposed to happen. For example, who is the so-called active partner, [music] who is passive, who initiates sex, or whose orgasm does the sex end with?

[00:36:44]>> Who is supposed to do what during sex is already reflected in the language.

[00:36:49]I'm thinking of words like penetrate.

[00:36:51]This word already implies a boundary being crossed. Someone somehow gaining unwanted access.

[00:36:59]We could use other words, perhaps insert, which isn't as forceful, or slide in.

[00:37:08]>> [music] >> I'm in therapy for lots of reasons. One of them is that when things get sexy with women, I have severe erection problems. My dick doesn't stay hard when I get intimate with women. That's a problem. It's also the only reason I don't send dick pics. It'd be an empty promise.

[00:37:27]Of course, our society tells us that men are strong, women are weak. And if a man is in the mood, he takes the woman.

[00:37:34]That's what's being drummed into us, partly through porn.

[00:37:39]>> Today, with smartphones, children can consume pornography. If not on their own smartphone, because their parents are watching, then on some other child's phone, where the parents can't keep an eye on them.

[00:37:52]>> I had my first girlfriend when I was 14.

[00:37:54]First kiss and blah blah. But I'd already seen stuff before, how women I mean, I'd seen women being raped in videos.

[00:38:02]So, how are you supposed to come back from that? It's just crazy.

[00:38:07]>> I only have some basic information, but I take a wild guess.

[00:38:11]He associates his penis with something brutal, evil.

[00:38:16]Something that causes harm to others.

[00:38:20]Something isn't right there. So, when there are images of violent sexuality, it sounds as if his penis is making the decision, but I don't want to be violent.

[00:38:34]And I always find that such an important point to look at.

[00:38:38]Why does the symptom you have make sense?

[00:38:43]>> So, my dick is a feminist or what?

[00:38:45]>> [laughter] >> My dick just says, "Hey."

[00:38:51]So, it's kind of a relief for someone to be saying so straightforwardly, "Yeah, it totally makes sense that it doesn't work." Because if you've experienced that, of course it's difficult for you.

[00:39:03]If a person rejects their own body, at least partially, then in the beginning, it's about reconnecting with their body.

[00:39:13]Getting to know their penis again.

[00:39:15]Experiencing it with love, finding it beautiful, feeling good with it.

[00:39:21]When he, in this case, will feel more confident that he can influence his penis.

[00:39:28]>> [music] >> I still watch porn, but I've really tried to cut back.

[00:39:41]During my peak periods, I used to jerk off three or four times a day.

[00:39:45]There were phases like that.

[00:39:47]And right now, I'm trying to limit it to just once or twice a week.

[00:39:54]>> When these stimuli are artificial or come with a particular intensity, like pornography or sex toys, and in such abundance, then at some point, it becomes something you actually need to be sexually stimulated. So, then you have to figure out how to make that an integral part of the relationship. Or, instead, you do without those strong stimuli, and then try to resensitize yourself using what's possible in the analog realm with a real partner.

[00:40:29]The only quick fix for erectile dysfunction is Viagra.

[00:40:32]So, I go to the neurologist who prescribes me a pill.

[00:40:36]Then I go to the pharmacy and pick up the pills.

[00:40:40]And what And what do you get at the pharmacy along with the medication?

[00:40:44]Tissues.

[00:40:46]And with these images, I'll leave you.

[00:40:47]My name is Heike van Goens. APPLAUSE FOR >> [applause] [music] >> IT'S BEEN 4 WEEKS NOW since I was at Danya.

[00:41:06]And I had an experience with my partner.

[00:41:09]There was this moment where I thought, "Okay, this could be it."

[00:41:15]At that moment, things were different.

[00:41:18]I was getting more of what I wanted.

[00:41:21]And just communicating more clearly what I wanted.

[00:41:29]And then my partner made this little move. And it was all over.

[00:41:34]But we both just thought it was totally funny. Because we were like, "It was still really nice anyway."

[00:41:42]>> Learning about our desires and what arouses us can be a lifelong journey.

[00:41:48]After the coaching, Lara believes she will be able to come with other people, too.

[00:41:54]Heike is taking a holistic approach to his erectile dysfunction and [music] depression in therapy.

[00:42:00]Lynn campaigns and uses music to show [music] that we can love and enjoy our bodies despite trauma.

[00:42:08]Desire [music] is no mystery.

[00:42:11]We can shape it once we understand what influences it >> [music] >> from our bodies to our culture.

[00:42:20]>> [music] [music]