You're Not "Bad" at Emotional Regulation – Here's What's Really Happening

[00:00:00]anger, frustration, crying, sudden emotional reactions.

[00:00:07]And sometimes you're not even upset. If you're autistic or ADHD, you might experience this no matter how hard you try to stay calm. And from the outside, it can look like you're overreacting.

[00:00:18]But here's the confusing part. What's happening in your body doesn't actually match what you're feeling. A lot of people are told this means they're bad at emotional regulation. But for neurodivergent brains, that's often not what's happening at all.

[00:00:32]Today we're going to talk about five things that get mistaken for emotional dysregulation, but usually aren't.

[00:00:38]Sensory overload. If your emotions spike in certain environments, that's probably sensory overload. And that's because your nervous system is reading the situation as danger. And if you're anything like me, danger makes your butt tingle. Freaking butt tingles. And the really tricky part, what that environment is will be a little different for every neurodivergent person. Even for you. That coffee shop that you go to every morning, same routine, same smells, same people. Well, you just had a horrible night or week of sleep. Or decade. You walk in, and today they've moved things around. There's a new table or something and the chairs are pushed together more. And it's fall, so you're hit with that overpowering pumpkin spice. That'll make the old butt tingle.

[00:01:24]More people are there because it's Saturday, which you forgot because same routine is every day.

[00:01:29]And it's warm.

[00:01:30]Really warm. Maybe their AC busted, but you're not comfortable. Your usual barista asks, Hey, the usual today? You're still thinking to yourself, do I even want to be here?

[00:01:42]But they think you just didn't hear them. And it's been a whole 3 seconds and you didn't respond. So, they repeat themselves a little bit louder. The usual?

[00:01:51]It's a jolt to your brain. You say, I can't do this today and walk out. From the outside, it looks like you're cranky. What was that guy's problem? But inside, your system has revved up to fight or flight mode. Doesn't matter that you're not actually in danger. No, it's that all the sensory input felt magnified by 1,000%. And you weren't ready for it, especially if you are already dysregulated. And you might not even have known that yet.

[00:02:18]So, if you can feel yourself tensing up because of where you're at, Ugh.

[00:02:23]Gosh, the sun is right in my eyes.

[00:02:26]Ugh, this is so itchy.

[00:02:38]I need to be left alone.

[00:02:41]It might be because of sensory overload.

[00:02:44]You might snap at someone or feel anxious and overwhelmed or needing to leave right now. The sensory experience of neurodivergent people is different.

[00:02:52]These things can really be too much sometimes. Doesn't mean you're sad or upset. It's that your nervous system is overloaded and trying to protect itself.

[00:03:01]And the best way to protect it? RUN AWAY!

[00:03:06]OKAY, MAYBE YOU CAN'T DO THAT ALL THE TIME. But just know that it might not be because you're being overly emotional or overreacting. You might be overstimulated by your environment and sensory input. And then you can approach it differently. You can give yourself time to calm your nervous system down.

[00:03:22]For me, that's taking a break by myself.

[00:03:24]Cool room, maybe a little dark, weighted blanket, headphones, and time to recover.

[00:03:31]Because if you ignore it, here's what usually happens.

[00:03:34]Extreme overwhelm.

[00:03:36]Sometimes what people call emotional dysregulation is actually extreme overwhelm.

[00:03:41]Too many tasks, too many decisions, too many demands at once, too many things.

[00:03:47]So, your brain hits a wall.

[00:03:50]Nope. You pushed this too far. So, we're shutting it down right now. A lot of the time to other people, it seems like it came out of nowhere. You leave, and you just want to be alone. Or saying something that seems harsh like, "I need to be left alone."

[00:04:06]The reality? You want space because you're overwhelmed. And if you're like me and didn't learn you were autistic until adulthood, it's hard to learn how to separate your feelings from how they show up, especially when you're overwhelmed. So, it might look like crying, frustration, anger, shutting down, or having a meltdown. You look emotional, but it's because your overwhelm is seeping out in your own way. You can't process even one more thing, or else you'll explode. But do you take a break? Well, I'd like to say we do, but in reality, that's harder than it looks. It takes practice because of what we'll talk about more in numbers three and four. So, sometimes when you snap, it can look like Whoa. I just asked what he wanted to eat. But if that question interrupted you when you're overwhelmed but trying to push through something, and now you just lost that thought and have no idea when it'll be back or if it ever will be, "What was that brilliant idea I just had again?" It's not that you're angry at that person, even though it might look that way, or that you're an emotional basket case. You're not.

[00:05:10]You're experiencing overwhelm. Once you realize that, you can practice different strategies to reduce overwhelm before it gets to this stage. We've got a free five-step reflection guide to help you start on that. Link's in the description, and it's free. So, grab that when we're done. But the first step is to know you're not alone with how this happens. Doesn't mean you won't sometimes need to apologize when you snap, but knowing it's because of overwhelm, not because you're always angry or too emotional, that's a huge step in self-acceptance and learning when you're neurodivergent. Your mask slips.

[00:05:42]You hold it together all day, at work and when you're out. You keep your face on right. Your tone is calm. Your reactions are on point. You do the things the way the things should look.

[00:05:55]That is, if you're used to masking and still keep it up most of the time when you're out. But then when you get home and you're in your safe spot and maybe with someone safe, you're ready to be done. Now, other people might see that as kind of a mood swing. Like a Jekyll and Hyde type thing. But actually, you're dropping the mask because you're tired of keeping it up.

[00:06:15]Masking costs energy, a lot of it. So when that energy runs out, the mask slips or falls off completely.

[00:06:22]And we're not putting that bad boy back on. So that's why you might seem fine all day, but then crash hard later. Or why the people closest to you see this other guy. You know, the dude that doesn't realize he's talking really loudly or that he seems intense and agitated and just walked a mile in the living room while telling a story about a really funny thing he read. Hey, that sounds like you.

[00:06:45]But you might actually be fine. Feeling pretty good, actually. Feeling in your element. You're not upset or anything.

[00:06:51]This is just you.

[00:06:53]Maybe you're feeling shy because maybe once you had been becoming a little bit too shy.

[00:07:00]Shy.

[00:07:04]So if you're someone who's been masking, even with the people you live with, you might look emotional or drained. And you actually might be really drained. But not because you're emotional or upset.

[00:07:14]It's because masking is hard work we're doing in the background. And for a lot of us, it's going to take time to relearn how we do things. Time and bourbon.

[00:07:24]Lots and lots of bourbon.

[00:07:26]Just saying.

[00:07:28]Delayed emotional processing.

[00:07:30]Sometimes emotions don't show up when people expect them to, especially if your processing speeds are different.

[00:07:36]And that's really common for autistic people and autistic ADHDers. And you might even feel fine in the moment. Like during a conflict, or a stressful situation, or a difficult conversation.

[00:07:47]You might sit there and seem fairly balanced. And then hours later it hits.

[00:07:53]Hard. That's because many autistic adults process emotions after the situation has passed. Or we're still connecting things later because the pace of the conversation was fast, or we didn't expect the conversation. I don't hear half of what's being said in a surprise conversation. Only processing the butt tingles.

[00:08:11]Or we might need time to really connect what's going on. Like hours, or weeks.

[00:08:16]That's why we might get upset much later. It hasn't sunk in yet. And even after we know the thing, the delayed processing means it can really hit later. That might be why a lot of us get in trouble for laughing at inappropriate times, or not responding the right way.

[00:08:29]And then throw in some alexithymia, which means struggling with identifying or expressing emotions, and it gets even spicier. By the time your brain signals the feeling, and you actually hear it, it's already intense. So the other people, it might look sudden once those feelings show up. Or they might not really show up at all. But just know a lot of the time your brain is just moving at its own pace. And that's okay.

[00:08:52]Once you know this happens, it's a lot easier to tell someone else Yeah, sometimes my face doesn't match what I'm feeling. Or I'm not sure yet how I feel about that. Or kind of weird, but my butt's tingling right now. Or if worse comes to worse, YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST NO? SHOULDN'T SUGGEST THAT?

[00:09:16]CAN'T DO IT EVERY TIME?

[00:09:17]Shutdowns equal nervous system protection mode.

[00:09:21]And then there are all those times when your BODY HAS DECIDED YEP, IT GOES INTO full-scale shutdown.

[00:09:34]Fight or flight. Freeze. Stuck mode on.

[00:09:38]So, you might get that blank look on your face. You might seem irritable or cranky. You might retreat under blankets or hide in your room or the bathroom.

[00:09:46]But, it actually might be protective mode. Going quiet, leaving, feeling numb, losing words, or completely shutting down. It looks like disconnect.

[00:09:56]Or if people don't understand, especially the ones you live with, it might look rude or out of character.

[00:10:01]But, it's actually your brain saying, This is too much.

[00:10:05]We need less input.

[00:10:07]Now. And if you are someone who is used to pushing through or not asking for your own space, you can seem upset. The other person might think you're upset with them. But, your body needs a break.

[00:10:17]Not because you're rude or don't like them, because of science.

[00:10:22]So, that's a time when you need to listen to your body first. Get that break, reset or recovery time.

[00:10:28]Explanations later. And if you do explain it to someone else, you can tell them, "Sometimes I just need time and space so I don't get overwhelmed.

[00:10:36]And have my butt tingle." If this is something you want more support with, hop into our Autistic Ape membership or one of our programs. And grab our free five-step reflection guide so you can start to figure out what shows up as emotional dysregulation for you specifically. So, if any of these sounded familiar, tell us about it in the comments. And remember, you're not bad at emotional regulation. You've been dealing with challenges that no one else knows about. And once you start making sense of your unique brain, you'll be able to better balance it all. And we've got a lot more here for every stage of that journey.

[00:11:10]Shy.

[00:11:15]What is What's going on?

[00:11:19]Cut.

[00:11:20]Nice work, Steve.