so my dad died....what now? grief in your 20s.

[00:00:05][music] [music] [music] [music] >> I've tried to make this video a few times now. Needless to say it's been pretty hard. A part of it is the grief itself and a part of it is the perfectionist induced procrastination, but today is Father's Day. It's also the summer equinox, which feels symbolic in a way.

[00:00:45]>> [music] >> And you know, what better day to sit down and talk about grief and talk about my dad than on Father's Day. My first Father's Day without him, while also marking a new beginning and another chapter in my life on the summer solstice. So, I'll just get into it. So, my father passed away a few weeks ago or it's been a bit over a month now, which feels like a pointless detail to even share in a way because time doesn't feel real.

[00:01:15]Time is going really fast, but also really slow at the same time. Mentally, I feel stuck in time, like he died yesterday, but the calendar [music] days keep going.

[00:01:28]And other people's lives keep going, but I just feel [music] like I'm stuck behind glass looking through a window as the world keeps spinning, but mine [music] on the inside, on the other side of the glass, everything is the same. My dad died somewhat unexpectedly. The last time I saw him in person was Thanksgiving.

[00:01:48]And he was completely fine. Actually, I remember that weekend when I first saw him when he opened the door to greet me, [music] I noticed the gray hair and he had to clear his throat and for some reason it kind of made the hairs on my arms raise because for a second I was like, "Oh, he's is he okay? What's what's wrong?"

[00:02:08]And then I was like, "Oh, he's just had something in his throat." And I don't know. It I was just very aware of the fact that he was [music] getting older, but he didn't seem like he was sick or anything. He was completely fine. I even asked him about his will and if he had written all that stuff down. He said yes and he explained it to me and I it's just it's a very eerie feeling to think about that that the last time I talked to him we talked about death and I was very aware of my fear of him dying, but I just kind of let it go because I thought, you know, he's not going to die anytime soon. He's got plenty of time left. He had also just retired. Anyways, fast forward a couple months later into January and he was having cold symptoms, went to the doctor, turns out he has cancer and he died just a few months after [music] that. Just like that he was gone and still to this day, not that it's been a long time at all, I feel like I'm still trying to catch my breath. The shock and [music] the pain that just comes flooding and hits you like a truck when you get the news that your parent is is gone forever. I think another reason I've been putting off this video is because I it forces me to actually think about it and address my feelings because when I think about it for more than 1 second I just end up breaking down because [music] it just feels so unfair. The fact that most likely I will be greeting my father more than I had him alive >> [music] >> in my life and that's a kind of I don't know what you would call it, existential dread that feels insurmountable and impossible to even conceive. There's so many things I don't tell you about death and about grieving and I wanted to talk about those things today because I know that there are people out there who can relate, especially if you're someone who lost a parent at a young age. My dad died about a week and a half before my 25th birthday. And 25, that's kind of like an important age, you know, like I don't really have many feelings about turning 25, honestly, cuz I'm >> [music] >> not really thinking about my age and myself in that way. But, I think it's worth mentioning because like I said, it is the summer solstice and it's a a marker of of another phase.

[00:04:21]And I'm definitely going through a new phase and a new chapter in my life. I mean, everything is is different now.

[00:04:26][music] I mean, my outlook on life is different, how I think about my future is different, my priorities feel different. The sequence of events in my life for the past 9 months has been very interesting and bizarre, [music] depressing, obviously, but in a weird way gives me a new perspective on >> [music] >> faith. Back in like September, I already felt like I had lost a lot and like was going through a lot in my life and things were falling apart. And I took that as an opportunity to kind of pause and go, "Actually, how can I reframe this? How can I look at this as >> [music] >> actually a blessing that maybe, you know, the things that I'm no no longer aligned with are falling away to make room for what I truly want in my [music] life." And so, I kind of I just went balls to the wall with my faith and decided, "You know, I'm going to, you know, take the risk and jump off this metaphorical cliff and trust that the universe will catch me and, [music] you know, the parachute will go off. I don't know when, but it will." And so, in that time, you know, I manifested some really incredible opportunities for myself as an artist cuz this all has been centered around me making strides in my music career and making my dreams come true because I felt really stagnant and stuck with that. And so, some great things came up and some not so great things come up.

[00:05:49]You know, the darkness will arise and you have to look at it. You don't want to stare at it, but you want to look at it in the words of RuPaul. Anyways, in the middle in the midst of this journey of me trusting [music] in my higher self and the divine and allowing and embracing the death of my old life, I also experienced the death of a loved one and in many ways my father's death marks sort of maybe the end of this chapter of letting my old life, my old self die away because a part of me did die when he [music] died and that's I'm never going to be the same.

[00:06:27]And it it's just weird, you know, like a lot of these a lot of the things that I've learned about how the mind works and how powerful you are how powerful your mind is has led me up to this moment in a strangely like chronological way, if [music] that makes sense. Like I'm I've hit the final boss of the lessons and the teachings that I've >> [music] >> sought out, you know? I mean, no amount of, you know, spiritual growth is going to take away the grief or the pain, but with the sort of beliefs that I have, I know that that's not the point of spirituality. It's not to not feel, it's to be able to feel and go into those feelings deeply and let and embrace it while also being able to move forward and have perspective that doesn't drag you down forever, but allows you to live with those feelings while not giving up on life and being [music] able to move forward. I also know that my dad isn't really gone. He's His body isn't here. I can't speak to him. I can't hug him. I can't talk to him and hear a response back, but he's still with me. He's still with me all the time and knowing that does make me feel better. [music] And now that I have faced sort of the final boss of death and rebirth and reawakening and all these things, I just have to believe and tell myself that the universe has to rebalance the the energetic scales, you know? I've been through so much and this is the worst tragedy that I've ever experienced in my life. So, there has to be a >> [music] >> a light at the end of the tunnel, something beautiful on the other side cuz that's just how I've decided it's going to go. [music] I still feel like I'm in the void. I've been able to take this tragedy and actually allow some new ideas to create a sort of a silver lining out of this, you know? Like, what can I do moving forward to honor my dad and to honor myself and what can I do as a creative person to, I don't know, fulfill myself through all this. I'm still making music, of course. I have an EP that I need to finish, [music] but I also want to pick up where my dad left off and I want to keep going on the adventures that he didn't get to do because he, you know, he retired and then died [music] right after. In a weird way, you know, as depressing as all this is and I've experienced depression throughout my entire life on and off as well as wanting to not be here on this planet, my dad dying has [music] kind of eradicated that feeling, maybe even forever, I don't know, but I the thought of me taking myself away from this Earth feels like an absolute I can't even think about it because I would never want to put anyone through what I'm feeling and I feel like I need to, [music] you know, respect life, respect that, you know, my dad's not here and and and he told me before, right before he died, one of the last things he said to me, he's like, "I'm not ready to go.

[00:09:24]I'm not ready to go yet."

[00:09:25]And so, everything that I do moving forward, I feel like it's going to be for him and for myself, but honoring the fact that I'm here and I get another day on Earth and I get to be here and experience life. I'm grateful have this mindset and to have the ability to have this mindset and you know, this experience has taught me a lot about grief for myself, but also >> [music] >> has shown me how other people in my life grieve or how people react to grief when they're not the ones going through it. I've felt every emotion from anger to confusion to more sadness. I mean, everything. There are some things I can't say in this video. Maybe I'll go more into it on Patreon or something, but I've pretty much heard everything you should say and shouldn't say. Which by the way, if you are someone who's grieving or whenever [music] you do experience it one day, it's not true that there's nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better or at least feel seen. There's nothing anyone can say to take away the pain or you know, bring my dad back to life obviously, but there is a right there I've heard friends of mine [music] say things that really are genuinely meaningful and make me feel like I'm not alone in this. And [music] that's something that I want to emphasize in this video because I always heard oh, there's nothing anyone can say and it's it's a scary thing cuz then you go into grief thinking like, you know, >> [music] >> you're completely alone and no one can help you and that's not true. A lot of my feelings throughout this have been like damn, what the [ __ ] Like I'm too young for this. I shouldn't be having [music] to think about this. Obviously, I have to, but I'm just like what is going on? You know, no one tells you that you have to [music] pay to die. No one tells you about the I mean, I've heard people say that there's paperwork involved in death, but I I didn't know it was like this, you know. I've heard the drama that ensues when someone dies.

[00:11:16]I never thought I would be in that kind of situation. Death is really complicated emotionally and like physically in the reality in this world cuz you don't have to you don't just have you to deal with.

[00:11:27]You have other people to deal with and you have to exercise this insane amount of like restraint and [music] I'm learning about abilities I didn't know I had and I'm also learning about where my limits are.

[00:11:40]>> [music] >> Screaming and crying in public because someone has betrayed me or and hurt me who I never thought that would happen, you know, like seeing who people really are. People who you thought cared about you but really don't. People who you didn't know cared about you that much but really do. I mean truly some days I feel like I'm in some sort of like psychosis or I'm on the verge of it. Like I'm on on the verge of losing my mind.

[00:12:04]>> [music] >> Um I feel like I'm of two minds right now where, you know, in the in the wake of my dad's death I've actually come up with a lot of ideas for the future that give me hope and give me a reason to like want to live life and enjoy it and even though those ideas come the motivation has not and I'm really glad that I'm doing this now.

[00:12:26]I've been meaning to do it for a while.

[00:12:28]Like I said I've made this video multiple times and nothing felt good enough or I you know, some days I just couldn't bring myself to be on camera or to talk about this but I know whatever I do moving forward will be successful.

[00:12:39][music] Something that I really want to do that I'm going to do absolutely and I'm very excited. I'm going to travel the country um in [music] a van.

[00:12:47]My dad had an RV and his retirement plan was to travel around in this RV. He bought it a few years ago but he had just retired and that was, [music] you know, what he was going to spend his time doing and and he wanted to do a cross country to California [music] and I he never got to do it and so I want to be able to live out that dream for him and now a dream for myself. My dad was very proud of my adventurous spirit. You know, obviously I love to travel. I've traveled to multiple countries. I love solo traveling and just going on new adventures and that was something that he really admired about [music] me and a lot of that I got from him. I would feel so honored and and so close to him to do that. The original plan was to take his RV, but that ended up not working out. But I'm going to get my own van. I know exactly what I want. I've got it all figured out in my head. It's >> [music] >> it's it's going to happen and I'm very excited and obviously I'll be sharing that on this channel. So eventually I will be a travel van life blogger, which is really exciting, but until I hit the road, I will be documenting [music] life through grief and sharing whatever thoughts come to me. It doesn't even necessarily have to be about grief, but I know that's going to be something that I just feel called to do. It's giving me kind of a purpose with this channel.

[00:14:07]Oddly, my dad passing away like I've been for a while I've been thinking like what can I do with this YouTube channel and I've taken a break and now I'm coming back with a purpose. And you know, the great thing about going through tragedy like this is your perspective and your priorities change a lot. Um initially when I was trying to >> [music] >> change my niche on here and figure out what to do, I was so wrapped up in views and and how what to do to be successful and I did have that faith. Like I said, I started this sort of reawakening spiritual journey a few months ago, but as time has passed and as I've gone through this grief, I don't really care anymore. And I I have this knowing that more even now more than ever I did before, but it's only gotten deeper that whatever I desire and what is truly in alignment with who I am and and alignment [music] with like my heart and soul, it'll work and it'll be successful. And it gives me a sense of connection too because I'm doing this not just for me, but for people out there who see this video, who are going through what I'm going through [music] in any capacity and I want to create a sense of community on here. Another thing I feel like I wasn't expecting from grief was the sense of like almost guilt that comes [music] with comes with it cuz I'm talking about all these ideas I have and all these things that I want to do in the future and for some reason I still feel the sense of guilt because I'm like obviously I should be moving forward and it's good that [music] I have a path and and a plan for the future but it's weird. I'm like am I exploiting my father's death which obviously I'm not doing that. It's just kind [music] of like thoughts that pop into your head sometimes or you know the gratitude for the financial stability that has come with my dad passing cuz he had a good job and [music] had life insurance and a 401k and stuff and me and my siblings are the beneficiaries to that. Like I I'm like oh yay money but also like what the [ __ ] This is like the lottery from hell. What the like I can't and I don't want to be someone who's [music] like so black and white cuz I'm really not and the most important thing in my opinion is like I can address that weird gilt feeling but not necessarily like hold it as my own and let let it just like be this truth. I I want to look at it as like well he's nothing I can do about him being dead. I can be grateful that I [music] had something he left something behind to take care of me.

[00:16:32]Cuz not everyone gets that. So I really just want to center my attention on gratitude in that regard. I'm constantly going back and forth between wanting to be alone [music] and not wanting to be alone. Every day is different or I should say like every day it's like [music] I don't know what I'm going to get. There's like a kind of select few options. It's like either I want to be alone and do nothing. I want to hang out and like [music] be around people but only specific people. Like some people I'm like I've no interest in talking to you. Some days I want to get [ __ ] done and I I'm like motivated and I'm like I'm going to alchemize this pain and I'm going to do something about it and you know music is a thing I love doing the most and I it's been hard. I've been working on music but I it's been hard.

[00:17:10]I'm not as productive as I want [music] to be and then it's like of course you're grieving. Like give yourself a break and I don't I want to give myself a break, but then I don't. And I'm just It's all these feelings and [music] like emotions that I'm constantly going back and forth with. Some days I'm like, "Oh, I'm not running from my feelings. I'm I'm embracing them." Or sometimes like, "I'm fine." And then it's other days I'm like, "I'm actually running from my feelings and not giving my brain a chance to think about stuff because I physically just cannot handle that. It's a lot on the body to grieve."

[00:17:43]Like, crying is like a lot on your body if you're doing it profusely and often.

[00:17:49]Some days I don't want to go outside.

[00:17:51]Some days all I want to do is walk. Some days I'm like, "I don't want to look pretty. I just [music] want to look how I feel, which is [ __ ] horrible."

[00:17:58]But then I'm like, "Oh, actually I want to look beautiful and like put on makeup and put on an outfit [music] because I already feel so horrible, I might as well not add looking ugly to the list, you know what I mean? Of things to be like [music] upset about."

[00:18:12]There's a fear that I have that eventually my friends will move on and kind of forget that my dad's dead and I will never forget and people will stop checking in.

[00:18:23]And [music] I feel kind of guilty for saying that because I'm not great at responding to text messages right now.

[00:18:30]If you're my friend watching this, I'm sorry. I see your messages and I love you. I just My brain is a mess, obviously. I had a friend who was like, "Oh, I I hope you're not mad at me."

[00:18:40]I'm like, "I'm not mad at you. I'm just going through the worst phase of my life ever. Uh it's nothing personal. I'm truly fighting for my life."

[00:18:48]And responding to a text message is not my highest priority right now.

[00:18:53]And it's like I appreciate all the messages and I want [music] them even though I'm not responding to them right away, but I'm also afraid of them going away. I don't know. I have a long journey ahead of me when it comes to grief, the rest of my life, really. I'm afraid that I won't have these vivid memories of my dad anymore. I know I always will. I've also always had a great memory, but like I said last time I saw him was Thanksgiving. I talked to him on the phone a right before he died, like a few days before he died [music] and it wasn't far away. It doesn't feel far away, so he doesn't feel far away, >> [music] >> but years will go by where it doesn't feel like I just talked to him and that's really scary to think about. Now [music] I'm just rambling, so I'm going to end the video here, but if you watch this, I really appreciate you and [music] stay tuned for what comes next.

[00:19:39]Dad, I know you're out there somewhere.

[00:19:44]You were one of the best dads ever.

[00:19:48]One of the best dads a kid could ever ask for. You were always there for me.

[00:19:52]From the moment I was born until your very last days. I have so many fond memories of us together on family vacations, going to the pool, or just going to Costco.

[00:20:08]Every musical, every life milestone.

[00:20:12]It's hard to imagine going through life without you. Major phases like I don't know, marriage or kids or moving even into a new apartment cuz I know that the reason I live where I am is because you helped me figure that out. You were my safety net.

[00:20:29]>> [music] >> You were my security and I I feel like I'm floating through space without you and I I it scares me that I'll always feel that way forever, I feel like.

[00:20:41]But when I listen to your favorite songs, in my mind [music] I'm dancing with you. When I'm watching shows or movies that remind me of you, you're sitting right next to me. Every step I take throughout life, you're here with me.

[00:20:54]>> [music] >> You said that when I was 8 years old and I asked you what your life purpose was, you said [music] it was to be a father and you lived your life like that.

[00:21:09]No one will ever compare to you.

[00:21:11]You were the [music] best.

[00:21:14]And I love you so much.

[00:21:16]I know you're up in the cosmos [music] listening to Grateful Dead and watching over us and protecting us.

[00:21:27]I love you.