Why Hot Girls Are So “Crazy” (It’s Actually Insecurity)**

[00:00:00]always.

[00:00:01]Do you think hot girls are more crazy in your own experience as well?

[00:00:04]>> around quite a few hot girls, but some of them can be very balanced. But I will give me your treatise on hot girls being crazy. Here's what it is with a very attractive women. They don't get an insight into the average man and how average men behave. They get an insight into men that are incredibly intimidated by their beauty or incredibly lustful after their beauty. So they see men either kind of ignore them, so the quiet good guys either just kind of intimidated by them, but the loud gregarious kind of adulterous men are after them. So they'll see guys that will leave their wives to be with you.

[00:00:37]They'll see guys that will drop everything to kind of you know, even if their girlfriend's in the same room, they'll quickly sneak you They'll see guys that will risk their jobs, you know, if they're your boss, to be with you. So they see men as these huge risk takers that will do anything to have sex with you. So what ends up happening is she loses her naivety about a man. She no longer thinks men are faithful. She's seen so many men break up whatever they have just to be with you and just to access you. She's seen so many men who break their back just to touch you. So what happens is when her husband now says to her, "I'm just there's a new colleague at work." Her brain is like, "Well, every colleague at my work has always hit on me. Are you hitting on this girl?" Or if if her husband says, "I'm just going to the gym." She's like, "Well, whenever I go to the gym, somebody hits on me. What are you doing?" So they end up being suspicious because they are privy to men at their worst when they're sexually attracted to a woman. They don't have that naivety that a more plain woman would have where she could walk past a guy in a bikini and he doesn't harass her. She knows if she walks past a guy in a bikini, he drops everything. So she sees men as more dangerous than they are and therefore she thinks her partner is more sexual than he might be and as a result she tends to be more intense and crazy and less naive. Well, not necessarily more accusatory, I would say. Yeah, because she uses her experience about the world to predict what everybody else's experience is about the world.

[00:01:53]>> And in her defense, beautiful women I that takes a certain level of confidence and a certain level of no fear rejection to access a beautiful girl. So you have pool of men tend to be the men that are more likely to be unfaithful. Wow, that's interesting. So very attractive women are a selection effect for the kinds of experiences that they have in life, the kinds of interactions that they have with other women and other men. So presumably they'll often see other women as threats. Well, they Well, they've experienced other women seeing them as threats. And they've seen the competitive nature of women and they've seen women cuz here's the thing with beautiful women. If you walk into a room with a really beautiful women, all the other beautiful women will now start looking at you thinking Well, there must be something about I'm sure they look at you anyway, but they would look pay more attention cuz there must be something about Chris cuz she's unbelievable. So what ends up happening is with beautiful women start to see how disrespectful other women can be. They're looking at your man. They're They're competing with you because to get a beautiful woman's man makes the other woman feel more attractive. If you walk in with an absolutely 12 out of 10 and then you give me attention, I now think I'm prettier than her. So therefore I want your attention more than the guy that's with the girl that's not that attractive. So we see this competitive nature of women. We see that we can put men women can put men on the map and they see that men are very soft and they give in to beauty quite quickly and easily. So that leads to a trust issue that is harder to kind of overcome. So interesting.

[00:03:20]>> Yeah, the psychology of a an attractive woman is one that is very different to a psychology of a less attractive woman.

[00:03:25]They're two different species. Yeah. So you have women seeing other women primarily as enemies. They're often going to be frosty to them.

[00:03:35]They're also kind of hyper aware of the power that they can bestow on the partner that they're with, which probably makes them a little bit tentative about giving that man that power because if they pre-select that particular type of man >> You're putting him on the map. Yep. And then you also said that these women being super attractive selects for a very specific type of guy that is sufficiently confident to go up and speak to you or men will make ridiculous and wild U-turns in their life in an attempt to get to you, which also gives you a pretty unrepresentative experience of what most men are like.

[00:04:12]>> Yeah, and for And then when the looks start to fade, it's a harder transition for them. When the looks start to fade from a woman who is quite plain, she sees it as life. When the looks start to fade with an attractive woman, she sees it as disastrous because a lot of the power has gone. So, they might They not always, but they they might respond to with a lot more insecurity, especially after children. But, if she has good values, she recognizes that those the looks are replaced with family connection. But, if she doesn't have good values and her identity is built on her appearance, you'll see that she'll go to more and more extents to kind of prove her attractiveness, and that might lead to promiscuity. So, her identity can't be designed and around her looks.

[00:04:55]It will make her very fragile. It's rough. Being an attractive woman must be hard. Like, genuinely, it must be very difficult to try and go through the world because with men, typically their value to the world doesn't wax and wane in quite the same way. You know, it starts off low. Even super attractive guys will remain being attractive for a very long time.

[00:05:17]>> forever, like >> And you just have this sort of slow and steady increase, presumably, and then it'll dip out, and then it'll start to even off towards And when it dips, you don't care if it dips. By that time, you're so settled in life, you don't care. But, for women, it can dip a lot earlier. And there's a lot of talk about pretty privilege and pretty privilege this and pretty privilege that, but there's lots of disadvantages. And the main thing is people look for your flaws a lot more. What happens when you're not attractive is people can accept what you're saying and doing, and they don't really delve into it. But, when you're attractive, there's an element of other women or even men saying, "Well, I bet she's dumb. Well, I bet she's a hoe. Or I bet they're looking for the negative so much more." And then all they'll say is, "I bet she's really arrogant and very very vain." So you almost have to work against people's negative assumptions of your character. As much as they make positive assumptions of your appearance, they make lots of negative assumptions about your character. So you're in a bit of a battle and then it's not as easy as it might look to other people. I saw what I was a model for a decade and a half in the UK, and I saw a lot of the girls almost counter signal. They would turn up in the most slouchy clothes that they could. Um you know, they would purposely wear their hair up. They would purposely wear glasses. Um they wouldn't wear revealing clothes.

[00:06:33]They would uh try and act in ways that were um more bookish sometimes as well.

[00:06:39]And this could just be their personality. It could have been the girls that I was around.

[00:06:44]But I also think there might be something going on here that they're trying to counter signal, I am more than just what I'm currently being paid for as a part of my career. I'm more than just a a pretty face. I'm more than just a lingerie model. I'm more than just someone that's supposed to smile and giggle and look nice on camera. And is it hard for men to realize that they're more than that? Or is it hard for them to like do they can they compartmentalize and think that she's got more to her?

[00:07:06]Or do they do they get overwhelmingly like attached to her appearance? So there's a big difference between beauty and hotness. And most models, at least the ones that I was working with, it wasn't sort of glamour stuff or underwear stuff that much. It was you know, like fashion stuff. It was like cutesy editorial girl next door type thing. So it was probably optimizing more for beauty than it was for hotness.

[00:07:27]>> Okay. Yeah. Um and but certainly when it comes to hotness, it's a [ __ ] reality distortion field for men, right? And this is what we were saying. This is the word that was coming to my mind as you were talking about this. That the reality of a a very very hot woman is like a sphere that follows around her just distorting all of her experiences with women, with men, at restaurants, getting into nightclubs, with careers, everything. Yeah, the super hot sexy woman gets it probably the worst because they activate a man's short-term mating strategies. They have long-term mating strategies with who they want a family with and short-term who they just want to mate with. And they activate that in men. So a really sexy girl will activate a man's short-term mating strategies.

[00:08:10]And she'll also activate threats in women. Now women's usual threats when they when they're threatened with a woman is to go protect well, suggest that she's promiscuous. So they might say to them to the men, "Oh yeah, but she's really promiscuous." Not realizing that actually makes her more attractive to them. Cuz they're like, "Well, I'm already looking for a short-term promiscuous >> to sell her to me?"

[00:08:27]>> Yeah, so they think that they're actually undermining her by saying she's so promiscuous and she's a [ __ ] and she's this, that, and the other. But the man when his short-term mating strategies are activated, that's exactly what he's looking for. So she ends up with men who just want short-term mating strategies. And as a result, she starts to see men as seeing them disposable.

[00:08:45]And therefore, it can it can be really negative for the hot woman. Yeah. It does make sense about why it would be hard to have a normal a normal mindset. I'm aware that it's easy >> Anderson effect.

[00:08:57]>> Yeah, it's easy to throw shade. Like, are hot girls crazy? Like, it's easy to just throw shade at them. But why this is why I I like these kinds of conversations because it really helps everybody to understand the experience psychology, you know, the lived experience of somebody that's on that side of the fence. And you can say, "Oh, pretty privileged, the halo effect, you know, she's getting in for free at nightclubs and blah, blah, blah." It's like, "Yeah, but what if she's got zero female friends? What if she can't find a female friend that doesn't see her as an enemy or an adversary or a competitor?

[00:09:26]What if every single guy that she spends time with is terrified to speak to her or is it's just it's so interesting. So on the other side of the fence, do you think it's more difficult for successful or desirable men to settle down? It's only difficult when they grew up without valid when they've gotten low self-esteem. For men, their success in with relationships is very much determined by their self-esteem. Women can get a shortcut with their appearance and so on and so forth. For men, their self-esteem is either going to propel them into a great relationship or prevent them from any kind of stability.

[00:10:01]Now, if he grew up without any validation and not knowing if he was attractive, what is his self-esteem blocked at that stage of life and then he can still be a sucker to women and still kind of accept the unacceptable simply because he wants to be desired.

[00:10:16]But if he has good self-esteem and good boundaries, he will never suffer in relationships. He just won't because he knows when he's welcome, he knows when he is not accepted and when when the relationship is not working and he has a willingness to walk away. So, the thing is money with low self-esteem is really really difficult. It's a very lonely path. It's a lot of gold diggers, it's a lot of escorts, it's a lot of partying even at the end of an age. Now, money with high self-esteem and good values is you know, it's still difficult but you you you can create something out of that. What about successful women?

[00:10:51]They struggle. They they really struggle because essentially with successful women, here's the thing. Men always say, "Oh, when women earn more, they leave men." But they don't realize why.

[00:10:59]There's actually studies to show that when men are with women that earn more than them, they produce more cortisol.

[00:11:04]They're actually more angry and stressed around her and that obviously has a negative impact on their testosterone so they're actually less sexually attracted to her and so they're meaner to her.

[00:11:12]They're mean and also they don't treat her the same way. If a man is dating a woman who knows who knows is unemployed, say if he's on 20,000 pounds a year, he'll still use whatever he has to treat her well, like you know, look after. But if he's on 20,000 pounds a year and she's on 50,000, he'll use nothing to invest in her. Now, women don't need your money but they do need your investment because that's how men fall in love. The more they invest in something, the more they attach to it.

[00:11:35]If they invest a lot of money in a car, they really care about it. Lost a lot of money into a Bitcoin, they want to see it go up. Invest money into a woman, they want to see it work out. So, when they are with a woman that earns more, they invest so little, so walking away seems so easy for them, and it seems so hard for her, because she's been the one that's investing in them. So, it's very difficult. It's not just the woman who's rich, and now she leaves you. The man no longer adds any value. That is the main issue. He doesn't use whatever tiny resources he has on the woman like he normally would.

[00:12:04]How can people better deal with jealousy then, in relationships? It's very difficult. What with when it's activated, because it comes from some childhood trauma and stuff. So, it when it's activated, that loneliness and that, you know, rejection is activated as it may have been as a child, and it's like the world is over when somebody's jealous. But, I think in my experience of working and even my own experience of jealousy, the only thing that helps remove jealousy is really building an identity outside of the relationship. If jealous people tend to place their entire self-worth and identity on the happiness of their partner and how attracted their partner is to them, and what their partner is doing. Now, the reason why that's so fragile is because your partner is he's a fallible person who's going to have times where they look at somebody else. They might be attracted. Whatever happens, their entire identity is crushed. So, to remove that jealousy, you really have to create an identity outside of the relationship, which gives you the confidence that if this relationship is great, I'm going to be in it. If it doesn't work for me, it's okay. I can go somewhere else. But, that fear of letting go and fear of that they're going to find somebody else, it means that they're in a constant competition with their partner, and they're almost terrified that their partner's going to meet somebody else.

[00:13:14]But, really, when you build your own identity, you realize if they do meet somebody else, they're no longer the person you loved anyway. So, it's okay.

[00:13:20]You almost have a zen attitude towards it. But, it's very difficult. Do you Do you ever suffer with jealousy?

[00:13:25]Uh not massively, um but that's that's been improved by having uh, more things occur in life that have >> So, Yeah, like given me a more stable foundation. One of the challenges I suppose is that if you get jealous, you have two very difficult choices. One is tell your partner. Mhm. That can go badly. That can be perceived in the wrong way or even if it's perceived in the right way, it can change the way that you are perceived.

[00:13:53]>> Mhm.

[00:13:54]And the other one is to just swallow it yourself and deal with it on your own, which then begins to create a trend in a relationship of keeping things from your partner. But it doesn't actually stay in your You think you're swallowing it, but you're then manifesting it in the form of checking when they're online, checking who they're following, checking, checking, and then bursting at small things, not the real issues. So, when your partner turns up late or doesn't reply to your text, then you over exaggerate your response because that jealousy has been kept inside. So, it doesn't go anywhere when you keep it in. It stays inside you. Your body keeps score of it, as they say. So, the reality is by expressing it and with the right person, they'll try and help you soothe that jealousy with some reassurance. With the wrong person, they'll make you feel stupid and pathetic. Maybe you're being stupid and pathetic and they can't handle it, but they'll make you feel that way, and then the jealousy then exaggerates and it increases. So, it's a good test of your compatibility if you do explain it to your partner.

[00:14:45]One of the things I've been thinking about is is almost like historical jealousy. And this is where the body count conversation comes in.

[00:14:54]What have you come to believe about how much body count matters and then how can people deal with historical jealousy better? Well, the thing is it's now become a big topic of debate and men are like, "Oh, body count, body count, body count. It's a big deal." Here's what I really say about body count. The testament of your body count is more your rejection rate than how many people you slept with. Now, if you are, let's take somebody like you for example who's got a big name on social media, looks great, access to loads of women through the nightclub. Now, if your body count is, let's say if it's 10, but you've had hundreds of girls throwing themselves at you, yours is actually still low.

[00:15:28]Whereas, if another guy who has no access to women, his finally gets one or two girls to sleep with him, on paper, it might be less, but his rejection rate is so low. And now, instead of looking at how much men and people people sleep with is they look at their rejection rate. Now, if a girl has slept with five men or 10 10 men, but only five or 10 men have a tried to approach her, that means every man that tries gets access. But, if she's a really attractive woman, she might have higher, but her rejection rate is higher. So, really look at how many people you uh the your partner is rejecting at rather than just their body count. Because, on paper, a really unattractive man who has nothing going for him, his body count's going to be low. Doesn't mean he's a decent man. It's just that he didn't have the opportunity. Similarly, women that are not that nice to be around, not that kind, not that pretty, not that attractive, hers is going to be low.

[00:16:13]Doesn't mean she's virtuous. It's just that she didn't have access. It's the ones that have access, but choose to be um selective. That's what you should be looking at. Is their selectivity.

[00:16:25]Problem is, you can't ask them the number, like how many rejections have you done in your life.

[00:16:29]>> Yes, you can't. That's the hard part.

[00:16:31]But, what you can tell is how easily excited this person is by the opposite gender. It comes quite na- You can tell when people are super excited when the opposite gender pays them attention, and other people are totally immune to it.

[00:16:44]That person that has a glee attached to attention is always going to maybe not have a higher body count because they you know, might not get access. But, they've got more risk of um diversion because they they get too much ego boost from the opposite sex and not from other areas of their life. So, I think body count really has to depend on the the person's ability to say no to sex. It's not just how many people they slept with, but how many people can they say no to? I've never heard this frame before. I think it's very interesting.

[00:17:10]>> Yeah. What do you think about that? Do you think What do you think?

[00:17:13]>> count The body count conversation is is so skewed because the world that we're living in now is not representative of where it would have been 10 years ago or 20 years ago. But the the thing that I'm most interested in is historical jealousy. You know Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:17:29]Yeah. So you hearing stories about what your partner used to get up to even if it happened once, right? And it it's so strange. You didn't even know that they existed. You didn't know them. They didn't know you. They couldn't have said no because they were waiting for you to come. Maybe this is a one-time thing or whatever and it triggers, especially in men, it triggers such a visceral fear, right? Of in inadequacy of like jealousy but it's strange. Like how can you be jealous about a thing that happened [laughter] before you even knew how your partner was? So yeah, you talk me through your conception of historical jealousy. What happens with historical jealousy is human beings in general, we prefer pain we can predict. Predictable pain is almost more welcome than well, definitely more welcome than anything unexpected. Now, where what we do with retroactive is we hold on to the past as a way of predicting how they're going to hurt us in the future. The more you're anxious you are, the more you perceive threats in your environment. So what's happened with people who are jealous of the past is essentially they believe they have a core belief that their partner's going to hurt them at some stage anyway. Now, if there's no present-day evidence for that, they will look for it in the past and use that as a way of creating hypothesis of how they might hurt you in the future and therefore be mentally prepared prepared for the sabotage. Now, so essentially what they're doing is preparing themselves for the worst but they can't find evidence so they look for the past and it's usually because of a fear of abandonment that they have within themselves. And it I know it's more common in men because their fear is more stimulated by the fear of cuckoldry that she might like evolutionary wise she might have a child with somebody else and pretend it's yours that fear.

[00:19:06]So it's ingrained in them. But more time that fear is activated when there's been some charted abandonment.

[00:19:13]What about women? What are What are women worried about? Uh we're worried we worry not as much about retro We we you only really worry about previous exes if there is some financial or emotional investment still going on. Usually when there's kids. So, what happens is women tend to get jealous of the ex-wife where they've got kids and stuff like that. We get jealous of exes that are still a priority in their resources. So, we're only threatened by women that have access to the resources, whether that's energy, [clears throat] time, or money.

[00:19:43]But, if he if he is not giving them that, we are more worried about future threats.

[00:19:47]That's interesting. I imagine that must make a lot of the moving on, starting a new relationship as a guy that has got some history. You know, earlier on you mentioned if you're going to go for somebody that's a little bit older, it maybe even in some regards a green flag that they've been through some relationships and got some baggage, you know, from that.

[00:20:07]But, you also have the jealousy.

[00:20:10]inclusion of the previous partner and potentially the previous kid, resources, attention, so on and so forth. So, that must be a difficult situation to navigate.

[00:20:20]>> suffer from that. They're really really so jealous of the ex and the children and so on and so forth. And it is very difficult. I can imagine it would be horrible. But, one thing that again, if your husband has a good co-parenting relationship and is a good father, it's a foresight into how good of a partner he will be to you and your children. He prioritizes his children is really really important. Now, a lot of women want a man to prioritize them over their children, but what kind of man is that?

[00:20:46]A man that prioritizes a woman over his children, what kind of man is that? It's not a man you're going to be attracted to in the future, especially when you have children with him, because that means the next woman in his life can take that priority. You need a man that prioritizes