Lust and the Mistake of Attachment

[00:00:00]Hello my dears. Lust versus attraction.

[00:00:03]Have you ever wanted someone and had absolutely [music] no idea of what to do about it? Whether to discern if it is a physical attraction or something that is deeper [music] than that, such as the thought of am I confusing how attracted I am to them with how much I actually like them as a person? [music] And why does it feel so difficult to tell the difference between the two? The answer might not be that you're confused, but you might just be [music] experiencing two different separate systems that are wired in your brain. They are doing two completely different things. [music] Study one, defining the brain systems of lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. In 2002, Helen Fisher and her colleagues published [music] a paper that basically mapped the architecture of how we love. They were trying to understand why humans experience the [music] way that they do when they're attracted to someone. And what they found is that there aren't just two states, but three. The first system being lust. Lust is driven by testosterone and estrogen. [music] It's the raw physical drive. Fisher argues that it's evolved to get you to seek out sexual [music] partners. Not any specific person, just someone appropriate. Lust is not selective. Lust is a general broadcast. [music] The second system is attraction. This is the one that fixes on a specific person.

[00:01:10]This is dopamine territory, the reward system. It's the obsessive thinking and the racing heart rate whenever they give you a text back. [music] Attraction evolves to help you focus your mating energy on one person rather than scattering it [music] everywhere. It's the system that makes you feel like this particular human being is special, irreplaceable, [music] and different from everyone else you've ever met. The third system is attachment. This [music] system inhabits the deep comfort of someone who feels like home to you. This is the system that keeps y'all there after the dopamine has been settled.

[00:01:39]Fisher's argument is that these three systems [music] can operate together, but they don't necessarily have to, and they don't always. [music] You can feel lust without attraction.

[00:01:48]You can feel attachment without lust, so on and so on. But yes, you can feel all three once [music] for the same person.

[00:01:54]In my my it's ideal. So when asking the question to yourself, [music] is this lust or is this real, it actually might be worded incorrectly because both are real. They just live in different parts of your brain, [music] and they want different things from you. Study two, emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire.

[00:02:13]In 2004, Lisa Diamond at the University of Utah published a paper arguing sexual desire and romantic love are not just [music] different in degree. They evolved for completely separate reasons.

[00:02:24]Lisa Diamond argues sexual desire was evolved in the context of mating, and it cares about physical attributes.

[00:02:31]Romantic love, or what she calls [music] affectional bonding, evolved in the context of infant caregiver attachment.

[00:02:37]It is the same system that [music] makes a baby bond to its mother. It evolved to create sustained closeness and [music] safety with a specific person. It is not inherently sexual at all, which means you can fall deeply in love with someone you are not sexually attracted [music] to, and you can be intensely sexually attracted to someone you will never love.

[00:02:55]>> [music] >> These are not contradictions. These are just two different systems doing what they are designed to do independently of each other, because lust and love want very different things. Confusing them is one of the most human things we can do.

[00:03:08]Now, speaking about this personally, from the times that I have confused one for the other, I learned that I was able to kind of cut [music] the conversation very short when I asked myself, how much curiosity do I truly have for this person? Do I have curiosity because I [music] like to be in their presence because I'm so physically attracted to them, or is it because I genuinely am being nourished soulfully and intellectually through our conversation?

[00:03:33]How deep am I able to access this person? [music] How deep are they able to access me? For both of us to pick up our shovels and just [music] dig down to the core root of who we are just through conversation, then that usually answers my question of whether if this [music] is, according to the structure of the first study. Lust, attraction, or attachment.

[00:03:54]I have heard the line, "What is it that you think [music] that they talk about?"

[00:03:58]I kind of ask that question to myself back. Not necessarily when I'm actually in the conversation with the person because [music] I can be quite hazy-eyed. In hindsight, past tense, elated jitters aside, and thinking [music] about, "What is it truly that we had a conversation about?" I guess guys, it just kind of comes down to what do you value in being in a relationship?

[00:04:18]And I don't [music] just say this for romantic relationships, I also implement this towards like my friendships.

[00:04:23][music] If you prefer to seek comfort or brutal honesty, like do you admire the fact that [music] they are so straightforward with you in the fact that you are able to grow so much faster because [music] of loving criticism that they are able to deliver to you without hurting you. I think that's a pretty cool friendship or partnership. Someone that can allow you to grow without you feeling like you're being cut down. Or do you desire to be in a relationship [music] of where the conversation doesn't have to be all that high stakes.

[00:04:51]The conversations don't have to always implement a source of knowledge, but more so a place for fun and silliness.

[00:04:58][music] Ideally, we have both. Ideally, we have all slices of pie from the circle, but it just really does depend on what it is [music] that y'all prioritize in interpersonal dynamics. So, yeah. That is what I have to say today about lust versus attraction. [music] Thank you so much my dears for joining me, and oh, I have set up the form on my website to enter a research video topic submission or a Q for the Q&A. Q as in question. I had a really fun time just like [music] casually talking to y'all through Q&A, but I also still like to do the weekly research videos, so I'm thinking maybe Wednesday be the research videos, and [music] sometime during the weekend would be the um Q&A's. Let me know what you think.

[00:05:43]>> [music] >> Thank you so much my dears, and I wish you a new bottle of sunscreen. Guys, I have been overheating on my face a lot and the texture of it has been almost getting rashy because I don't think I'm >> [music] >> giving it the proper like protection or nutrients that it needs. And a new favorite shirt. Guys, isn't this so fun?

[00:06:02]I hope I didn't make y'all dizzy with my new shirt, but I freaking like the color so much. Yeah, um I guess that's it for today. Um follow my films Instagram if you're curious about [music] my personal creations, but yeah, I'll see you next week, guys. Bye.